


What is Love

by AllThosePrettyThings



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Creamcakes, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Smut, barlliams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2018-05-20 23:29:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 189,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6029521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllThosePrettyThings/pseuds/AllThosePrettyThings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After coming out after so many years in the closet, Gary and Robbie promised each other they would continue to fight for their love, a love they shared so deeply for one another, a love no one could deny. Yet, as they would soon learn, promises can so easily be broken and however strong they thought their love was, love was always so much more complicated than they could ever expect! </p><p>Would their love have the strength to overcome any obstacle, like they hoped?<br/>They would soon discover the truth.</p><p>Disclaimer: The following is fiction. I don't own any rights, and it is not based on any person(s) actual real life, and is intended to be merely fictitious. No offence is intended.<br/>[Story updated most Saturdays].</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

****

****

 

It was a strangely warm November day when the news broke. One single solitary newspaper covered the story that day, after all they’d been granted the exclusive. The reporter in question had always been a supporter of them both, which was a bonus and was a considerate and principled journalist; never one for running rumours or exaggerating stories or just down right lying, and that was a rare trait amongst tabloid journalists – a rare trait indeed.

However, the story didn’t stay within the covers of that one newspaper very long, for soon the morning magazine TV programmes were covering it, the media websites and social media were drenched in the ‘scandal’, all shocked, and hardly believing there could possibly be any truth in the story. After all the band had another album due out soon, maybe it was all part of some strange publicity stunt. But if an ounce of it was even slightly true, it was the story to end all others in the pop world! The news quickly spread, and finally a TV interview was set up. They both appeared together on a specially aired episode of Piers Morgan’s Life Stories. They had vowed never to tell their truths in an interview like that, they wanted the particulars to stay private, to stay theirs. But Piers had a way of wrenching secrets out -  
They finally confirmed the rumours were true; Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow had come out to the world, and not only were they both gay, but they were in fact a couple, had been for years, and were very much in love.

The two page spread newspaper article which had originally the story, spoke about how they had fallen for each other a long time ago, but also about how it didn’t end well, how people got involved, words got twisted because more than one silver forked tongue spoke in their ears’. What had been the start of young foolish love had turned to bitter hatred and resentment, and they couldn’t move pass it for years. They were both stubborn, and Robbie was in particular, incredibly vindictive at times. It was because he loved Gary so much, he just couldn’t handle his emotions, and the result was venomously misdirected anger spat out like a shooting dart into the heart of his once lover. But that was all firmly in the past now, they had eventually settled their differences, admitted their truths, and later their love for the other, too. 

They fell, quickly and deeply in love, which hadn’t been incredibly sensible what with the album and tour still to go – both making their foray into the relationship more treacherous. They had wanted to keep it a secret for as long as possible, but their band mates soon caught on, and were sceptical of the whole thing to put it lightly, their management even more so. But the men continued to defy the critics around them, and instead their love grew more. Yet, even with the Take That lads all knowing, it was imperative the relationship was kept under wraps, or at least that’s what everyone told them - and Gary for his part had to agree. They had worked too hard to let this destroy their reputations, and then of course they had the other band members to consider. Gary was very aware of his responsibilities to the band, their record label, and their fans; he hated the fact he had to keep a huge part of his life secret, the half that made him smile when he awoke each morning, the half that filled his home with warmth, laughter and love, the half that made him whole – but he knew they simply had to keep it secret. He honestly wasn’t sure it’d survive the scrutiny of the British tabloids, and yet here they were, they’d bared it all.

So why after being so carefully shrouded in secret for so long, was it NOW in a newspaper for all to finally see?! Well, that would have a lot to do with Robbie. Robbie, unlike Gary, was not so agreeable to keeping everything quiet; he loved Gary with all his heart and wanted to shout it from the roof tops! But of course he couldn’t, he wasn’t allowed. He felt it was wrong keeping that part of them hidden, it felt like he was lying to his fans, or ashamed to be who he was, but he wasn’t. He worked on Gary for months, totry and convince him all would be ok if they came out. He enticed him with images of being able to walk through the park hand in hand, to sneak the quick caress, and even quicker kiss. Gary promised one day, but that one day was not coming quick enough for Robbie. He was sick of excuses, and as time went on he even started to worry it was all due to Gary not wanting to ever come out, not even contemplating it - because Gary was somehow ashamed of it, embarrassed or worse, not even as serious about their relationship as he was. The thought that the love of his life could feel any of those things about their relationship felt like a knife twisted deep in his heart, and it plagued him, embittered him. Gary was his, and yet no one knew. He wasn’t sure he could take no more, until Gary finally conceded after an argument following an encounter with a female TV interviewer who had openly and relentlessly flirted with Gary throughout a interview to promote their new album, on live National TV. Robbie declared he could take no more. He was sick of being Gary’s dirty little secret, he wanted a proper relationship, he wanted it all out in the open, he wanted the world to know their love - and he was sure they could handle it. He had therefore served Gary with an ultimatum, he didn’t want to but he was desperate; to come clean, or call it a day! He felt guilty for pushing Gary into it, and for a brief second he feared Gary would choice the latter option, but of course he didn’t, he agreed they’d admit their love to the world. 

It took great courage and continued resolve, but finally after days of pouring over a written statement together, they had met with the carefully selected journalist, and alongside their managers, publicists and PR; on a sleepy Sunday afternoon they finally regaled their hidden love story. 

The fall out had been intense and brutal but finally they were free! They certainly had a couple of rough months, which they expected - a lot of hate directed at them and a lot of jokes at their expense, but never from the loyal fans which brought great comfort to them. Finally, and ever so slowly, it seemed they were eventually accepted, some journalists, broadcasters and social media commentators would even remark that actually it was all so obvious, and that perhaps the in-tabloid-quarrelling of their past was simply denial of their true feelings for each other, if not just a simple lovers tiff!  
As if it was THAT simple. 

The truth of it was, that while attraction and infatuation had always been at the basic root of it all, it was so much more complicated than that. It had taken a long time and a lot of forgiveness to get where Gary and Robbie were, and in some ways their union still felt incredibly fragile because of it. They of course knew it had been a journey they had needed to take to get them where they were now, but they didn’t kid themselves; they knew they needed to continue to work at it, to stay strong, to remain united, to be assured they had the other’s support, had the other’s back. Being in love was easy; being part of a relationship, having a life partner and all the responsibility that comes with that – now that was hard, as it should be. Nothing that comes easy has any true worth, really. 

Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams knew what they had was worth it, and they knew what they were up against, they certainly didn’t go into anything with their eyes closed; they had been under the world’s spotlight far too long to be so naïve. They knew the fame and fortune could all melt away in a heartbeat, and so the only thing they needed to know of each other was the thing that could tear them apart: would they still be there for the other, if and when, everything else did disappear?!  
And so they made a promise to each other. A promise they silently echoed every day, when either was in a bad mood, feeling ill, or struggling with self-worth, when one was upset or depressed, full of self-doubt, and beaten down by the media, and every single time they wanted affection, reassurance, and eventually a promise of marriage; they promised to belong to the other, for the rest of their lives, no matter what.

And they lived happily ever after!

Except… 

What Gary hadn’t taken into careful consideration, was the ‘Robbie-problem’ – meaning those parts of Robbie’s personality that however endearing, undoubtedly threatened their precious union: his need for constant reassurance, his changeable mind, his pathological need for attention, and his partiality for pounding that self-destruction button all too often.  
So little did Gary realise, just how all those frustrating but lovable traits in Robbie were about to abruptly call time on their little bubble of happiness, and even threaten to destroy their heavily fought-for, already incredibly fragile but loving union, maybe even tearing it apart, forever.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Author's Note:  
So this is a teaser into a new story I am currently structuring. In case you are interested in seeing how it develops, I have the basic layout for about 20+ chapters and plan this story to have smaller chapters than my previous story thus hopefully helping me to update more often. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.  
Many Thanks xxx


	2. Where We Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner out, and dessert in! ;)

## Where We Are...

“Mum, you don’t need to do that!” Gary looked bemusedly at his own mother cutting out his and Robbie’s ‘coming out’ article from the newspaper, before watching her securely stick it into one of the many scrap books she’s filled with her son’s accomplishments.  
“I want to – I’ve been meaning to for months now, after all - this recognises an incredibly important time in your life Gary!” she spoke calmly and so matter-of-factly that it left Gary confused in a way he hadn’t anticipated, but she continued, “It was a major turning point! It took great courage to do what you and Robbie did, and that needs to be documented”.

Gary was still a little unsure, it was great that his mum had seemed to so easily accept him and his life choices, but that also meant his mum had accepted how her son had outright lied to her for over 20 years, and if he knew his mum, that didn’t seem quite right.  
“Mum – are you sure you are ok with this?! I mean I’d understand it if you felt hurt and somewhat betrayed, especially since I kept it secret for so long, but you have to understand it wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell you…it’s just –”  
“Darling”, she interrupted, “my darling boy, but you didn’t keep it secret. I’m your mother, and I assure you, there’s no keeping secrets from your mother!”  
Gary looked confusedly at the amused smile on the older woman’s face, “I don’t understand?”  
She sighed deeply, “I knew Gary, I always knew. I think I knew even before you really did! The point is, I’ve had plenty of time to get used to the idea of you being gay; and believe it or not, I may be old, but I am a modern woman who has a gay son, she is incredibly proud with, and nothing could ever change that.” 

Gary smiled, he was so lucky to have her, she had dedicated her life to her children, and supported him through everything. The absolute worst part of all this was thinking he had hurt her by keeping her in the dark, it had kept him up more than just a few nights before the article had come out. Yet, as he looked deep into the aging lady’s warm eyes, he knew she was telling the truth and it made him so relieved and happy.  
“Thanks mum – you are an amazing lady, you know that righ’?”  
“Of course I do dear, now be useful and pass me that tape, this corner’s lifting up a bit”.

Gary smiled and looked down at the news article that showed a large picture of Gary and Robbie taken a couple of years ago, both looking into each other’s eyes, and he inwardly chuckled, “You should know, Rob hates that photo they used, something about it showing up his grey hair!”  
The older woman chuckled, “Yep, sounds like Robbie alrigh’!”

Gary smiled and hugged his mum tightly, he was so happy, he couldn’t believe how lucky he was. 

**************************************************************************************************************************************

 

“Babe, the dogs! Have you taken them out yet?!”

Gary was getting anxious about the time, they were already late and he hated being late. Robbie was currently nowhere to be seen, but considering he could still hear the PS4 console still on but abandoned, in the living room, he imagined Robbie had just finally realised how late they were getting and was now currently panic-dressing upstairs. With no reply offered, Gary just rolled his eyes and grabbed the dogs’ leads, they were going to be so late for this dinner, which meant the paps would already be out and about on the lookout by the time they would get to the restaurant.  
That was all they needed, on tonight of all nights. 

**************************************************************************************************************************************

 

As soon as they were back through the door that cool night, Robbie ran up to meet the dogs who were already enthusiastically greeting them, in 3 seconds flat he was already on the floor playfully wrestling with them. Gary took his coat off and chucked the keys in the dish on the sideboard, before he surveyed with a smile, the scene before him.  
Gary walked into the kitchen, “It was nice of them to keep the table for us like that, wasn’t it?” he called back as he switched the kettle on.  
“Well, of course they kept the table - it’s us after all!” He replied while still wrestling with the dogs, before he paused a second and his face turned into a frown, “Or is that a dig at me? I said I was sorry about the time, we got a table – so what does it matter?!”

Gary didn’t answer, and it was a full 2 minutes before he came back into the living room with two hot steaming mugs of tea, “I’m not having a go, I was simply saying it was nice of them, it was a nice place, that’s all”.  
“Oh, ok – yeah it was.” He stopped playing with the dogs and took both mugs from Gary’s hands, meeting a small confused look from his lover. “But do you what’s even better?” Robbie said with a coy smile, which Gary met and quickly mimicked - he had an idea where this was going, “what I wonder?” he simply asked.

Robbie beamed before grabbing his boyfriend around the waste and dragging him down on to the floor with him. Crawling on top of him and pinning him to the floor, he breathed into Gary’s ear and whispered the words, “Where we are now”.  
The slowly spoken words sent tingles down Gary’s spine and he closed his eyes to intensify the sensation. He was however, quickly shaken from his blissful reverie by Robbie’s lips that wasted no time in smothering Gary with thousands of light kisses all over, before simultaneously tickling him affectionately; two actions that left him desperately fighting for breath, in a very good way! 

Already lustfully intoxicated, he looked however, slightly forlornly over at his second love – the neglected mugs of tea, but when a swift lick to his ear caught him off guard he was very much persuaded to turn all his attention to his horny boyfriend instead. 

The two untouched mugs of tea soon went cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is only a short chapter, but I've already written the next chapter and aim to hopefully update every Friday from now on. In next week's chapter Gary is busy with work, which only leaves Robbie time to start feeling insecure about their relationship.


	3. Thinking Out Loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary is busy, leaving Robbie to grow more insecure about their relationship.

## Thinking Out Loud

Robbie rolled over in bed, stretching out his arm to reach for flesh that wasn’t his - seeking warmth and a cuddle. All he felt however, was an empty pillow and cold exposed mattress where the duvet had already been pulled back, and tutted, “its bloody Sunday for fuck’s sake!” he moaned while releasing a yawn.  
“Yes, and I’ve got up especially early to make you breakfast in bed, you lazy arse – so you better appreciate it!” Gary swanned in before unceremoniously dumping the tray of eggs and toast on the bed. Robbie smiled and turned over before grabbing the man now standing beside his side of the bed, “Oh I do, believe me – in fact let me show you how much I appreciate it! He said seductively, with a wink. Gary rolled his eyes, “maybe later, can we eat first?!”  
Robbie, perplexed by how Gary could turn down morning sex, nevertheless simply shrugged and moved over to accommodate Gary on the bed. He pulled up the tray to survey the pickings, “emmm…ju-st the way I like it, mmm…thanks babe!” Robbie smiled with his mouth full.  
“It’s true what they say, a way to a man’s heart an’ all that!” Gary sniggered.  
“Baby, I’d love you even if you couldn’t make me eggs”, Rob said lovingly and received a gorgeous smile from Gary in return, “besides, we’d just get you cooking lessons wouldn’t we!” he winked, as Gary’s jaw dropped, scandalised. “You git!” Gary playfully shoved Robbie in the arm so that he dropped his forkful of eggs, “Mate, mind me eggs!” Robbie simply remarked before he winked at his lover once more. ‘Just wait till I get you in that shower’ Robbie mischievously thought to himself while continuing to dig into his breakfast.

Gary was a gentleman, everyone would agree on that. And although Robbie loved his little gentleman OBE, he also loved to make Gary moan and groan, and basically come undone in the most un-gentleman-like manner as he could. He loved to see Gary desperately horny, eager to please and practically beg to be released, which is why the scene before his eyes in the shower after breakfast was such a delight to him, he had Gary right where he wanted him, and although Robbie might currently be the one between his legs, that didn’t mean Gary was in charge, oh no, Robbie was in control, and that’s how he liked it.  
“Rob, Robbie, babe – I can’t…I can’t take…I can’t…I – oh god, I’m c-’!” Gary practically squealed, curling up his toes and grabbing harder into Robbie’s hair below him, as the orgasm took hold and sent electricity through his entire being. As he felt himself release into Robbie’s mouth, he could already feel the orgasmic sensation begin to leave him as quickly as it took hold. Robbie was quiet, being kept busy with dealing with the aftermath, which gave Gary time to recover his breathing, and for the swirling in his head to stop, allowing him to regain feeling in his limbs once more, “That was amazing Rob!”  
Robbie finally got back up on his feet, and grabbed Gary around the waist with the biggest grin on his face, “I am the meaning of the word ‘amazing’ personified Gaz, I think we established that long ago!”  
“Oh, here starts the boasting, and I thought this was to thank me for cooking you a lovely breakfast, not a chance for you to brag about your skills in the bedroom!” Gary playfully mocked.  
“eh – well, first of all we’re in a shower, not the bedroom, so I’m technically boasting my ‘shower skills’ and second of all’ are you saying you’re not satisfied Barlow?!”  
“Very satisfied thank you, although I can’t help but wonder if when we’re an old married couple, whether I can expect the same show of gratitude every time I make you breakfast?!” Gary innocently asked, his eyebrows raised quizzically.  
“Urgh bloody hell Gaz, why did you have to mention the ‘m’ word – now look you’ve scared off Lil’ Robbie!” He remarked, looking down as his hastily retreating member.  
Gary laughed, “I think you’ll find that’s the post-shower chill lad!”  
“All I’m saying is, I was rock hard, then you mentioned marriage and now look – I’m as flaccid as a slept-on arm!” Rob declared unabashed, pointing to his floppy male appendage.  
Gary couldn’t help but laugh, “Well, move over Droopy, I’ve got to get ready!”  
Robbie’s brows furrowed as he let Gary’s smaller form slink past him out the shower cubicle, “what’s the rush babe, it’s not as if we have any plans for today?!”  
“I need to pack for New York today, since I’ve got to leave so early tomorrow morning to record that interview, before I go”. Gary explained as he shoved a toothbrush in his mouth.  
Robbie regarded the man brushing his teeth, somewhat bewilderedly “but it’s not like you need to ‘get ready’ to just pack Gaz!” He commented as he stepped out the shower, before he moved behind Gary in the mirror, as his lover continued furiously brushing his teeth.

Gary was avoiding his eyes, he could tell, Robbie knew that meant he was keeping something to himself. “I know”, Gary eventually replied with a mouthful of toothpaste, “but I’ve got lots to do today, and it’s just well, I might do some work in the studio today…with Eliot”  
Robbie starred at the man before him while Gary finished up, and shook his head disbelievingly, “Are you kidding me, Gary?! It’s SUNDAY!!! You only came back from Sweden on Friday and you’re off to New York again tomorrow evening for god knows how long, yet you can’t even give me one measly weekend! All I want is some time with you, is that too much to ask?!”  
Gary immediately looked guilty, and turned to face Robbie, “I’m sorry, you’re right – I could call Eliot to cancel…except…the problem is, he’s coming down from Leeds so he’s likely left already”.

Robbie was trying hard to hide how annoyed he was, and he knew it wasn’t Eliot’s fault, but he couldn’t help feeling resentful about it, especially when he was sat eating the Sunday lunch he’d ordered in from a restaurant, all alone. 

Gary, for is part, did his best to keep his time with Eliot short that afternoon, since he could feel Robbie’s eyes burning into the back of his head for most the day. After he saw Eliot off at the door, he caught up with Robbie who was doing his best to stay angry at Gary, using the silent treatment strategy. Unfortunately, Gary was just too sexy and adorable to stay mad at for long, and soon they had made up and were cuddling up (with most of the dogs) on the sofa watching an old movie. Robbie loved it, he loved the feel of Gary’s arms around him, the scent of Gary’s clothes wrapped around him, he wished they could stay like this always.  
“Rob…I am sorry my work is taking me away so much right now, but it is only temporary, it’ll settle down soon, and then I promise I’ll make it up to you, proper make it up!” Gary ventured tentatively.  
Robbie simply huffed a response but after a small pause, playfully added, “too right you will, Barlow!”  
********************************************************************************************************************************************

 

Gary had been gone only a day and half, and already Robbie was completely bored. He had ran out of things to distract him after a mere 24 hours, and now there was literally nothing to take his mind off missing Gary. Before he left, Gary mentioned Rob should go visit Mark or one of the lads, and though Robbie was feeling too lazy to leave the house right now, there was still the phone. 

He’d been on the phone to Mark for all of three minutes before the conversation turned onto his and Gary’s relationship, and the word ‘marriage’ had once again crept up, despite his protests:

_Mark: Why do you do that?_  
Rob: Do what?  
Mark: Make some joke about marriage, like you don’t want to get eventually married…  
Rob: The key word there is ‘eventually’, all I’m saying is, I wish Gaz would stop bringing it up all the time, s’all!  
Mark: That’s because he’s Gary Barlow – anyone that’s known him more than 4 seconds will know how traditional he is, he wants to settle down. He wants to settle down with you!  
Rob: Gary ‘settle down’ are you serious?! – it feels like he can’t ‘settle’ anywhere for more than three minutes right now, he spends more time away than at home these days!  
Mark: That’s because he’s busy Rob, he’s got a lot of work on right now, but that won’t always be the case, yes, a lot of that work takes him abroad, but you know exactly how that is, after all you have the same bloody job as him!  
Rob: But we haven’t have we?! Because he’s somewhere working on a project one day, then off to a country to write music another day, then off to somewhere else to work on another show after that…  
Mark: Oh, I see - so this isn’t about Gary swanning off, this is about you being stuck here – you’re jealous of his work load!  
Rob: I am not!  
Mark: Yes you are, he’s busy and you’ve never known what to do with yourself if you’re left to your own devices.  
Rob: Maybe, but I’m not jealous. I just wish we could spend more time together. I wish he’d want to spend more time with me.  
Mark: Rob, I can assure you he does, he’s just busy. You just have to tell him, and he will make it happen. You are so important to him, Rob.  
Rob: Yeah, just not the most important, huh?  
Mark: Come off it Rob, you know Gary, he likes to keep busy and loves his work, you need to accept that!  
Rob: I do Mark, I just wish he’d slow down more, and make more time for us. It feels like he takes it for granted that I’ll be at home, waiting for him. It’s just like when before we came out to everyone, he was always making excuses, putting it off, wanting to go off and work rather than deal with ‘us’ – it made me so worried he wasn’t serious about our relationship…  
Mark: Rob! You know that’s not true, of course he’s serious! He’s the one talking about marriage and you’re the one that runs away from that conversation – so you’re a fine one to talk!  
Rob: At least when I run away, it’s just to the other room, and not another fuckin’ country!  
Mark: He’s NOT running away, but you’re clearly in danger of over-thinking this all too much, it’s not healthy.  
…hey, you know what you should do until he gets back?  
Rob: What?  
Mark: Work! Then you won’t have too much free time to over think, and to frankly feel sorry for yourself! You said the other day your manager was hinting about you doing some private gigs in Europe, you know, before you start writing in the autumn?  
Rob: umm…It was nothing much just some rich guy’s birthday and a couple of charity gigs.  
Mark: Yeah but it’s away; you’ll be busy, Gary will be busy, you’ll both miss each other like crazy and won’t be able to wait to come home to the other!  
Rob: I guess that’s not a bad idea, plus if we’re both away, you know what that means?!  
Mark: What?  
Rob: Awesome hotel phone sex!  
Mark: Too much information.  
Rob: Thanks Mark, I’m going to call Gaz now, and see what he thinks – you never know, maybe he’ll even be in a hotel room!  
Mark: Oh dear god!  
Rob: (chuckles) Sorry mate.  
Mark: I’m sure you are. Right, take care - lots of love to ya both!  
Rob: Yeah, bye little bud, love you all loads. 

Putting down the phone he immediately emails his manager to confirm the gigs, there’s even a charity gig he could do a surprise set on coming up in a couple of days, before flying out to a private gig in Prague.  
Smiling as he checked the time before pressing ‘call’, he realised it would still be pretty early in New York, so he hoped he didn’t wake Gary up.  
He needn’t have worried.  
“Gazza you’re up already!” Robbie remarked, surprised when Gary picked the call up after just one ring.  
“Yeah, got an early meeting before the cast arrive for rehearsals, how’s it going baby?”  
“Good, hey Gaz I’ve been thinking that –”  
There was a faint knock in the background on the other end.  
“- Gaz, is someone there?”  
“Yeah, don’t worry about it babe, I’m sure it’ll just be the morning newspaper”  
“Oh right, the thing is, well, I’ve got a –”  
Another faint knock.  
“Hang on Rob, I think I better get that…”  
Robbie heard the door open on the other end and the sound of voices exchanging words, although he couldn’t work out what they were saying.  
“Gary! Are you still there?!”  
“Sorry baby, it’s the Bell Boy, apparently there’s a car downstairs to take me to the meeting, already”  
“Oh, but I need to talk to you about something –” Robbie could hear Gary moving around in the background, it didn’t feel like he had he full attention.  
“…I’m still here babe!” Robbie bellowed down the phone.  
“Alright, I know – you don’t need to take my ear off, I just can’t keep the car waiting long”.  
Gary’s somewhat dismissive tone was wounding. Robbie felt his previous excitement fall flat. “Fine, sorry to trouble you, you’re obviously too busy to talk to YOUR boyfriend!”  
“Rob, don’t be like that, I’m here, I’m listening – tell me!”  
Robbie pursed his lips, and narrowed his eyes sceptically before resignedly sighing, “Ok, well, the thing is I was speaking to –”  
He was again interrupted, this time by the shrill ringing of the hotel room phone erupting in the background. He huffed as Gary predictably told Robbie to hold on one second while he answered.  
“Fuck sake! This is ridiculous!” He said, to more to himself than anyone else.  
“I know, I’m sorry baby – now what is it you wanted to tell me?”  
“A gig! I’ve got a gig, and I wanted to know what you thought....”  
There was a pause while he waited for a response, “Gaz – did you hear what I said?!”  
“Yep, babe, sorry I’m just getting a few things together - that car downstairs is pretty impatient, sorry”  
“Well, can you just listen a second - the gig that’s come up, I’ll be away a few days, what do you think?”  
“Yes, great news, have a great time”.  
“But I haven’t told you where yet!”  
“Sorry, Rob I really have to go, I’ll call you a little later alrigh’?”  
“Oh, but…”  
“I’m sorry baby, it’s just I’ve got to get going”.  
Rob sighed resignedly.  
“Yeah, of course, no worries – speak to you later”.  
“Yep sure thing.”  
“I love –”  
The phone line went dead before Robbie could finish, Gary had hung up already. Crestfallen, Robbie felt upset, but a few minutes after that all he felt was pissed off.

Why was he even bothering to call Gary back - when it was so obvious Gary had no time for him? He thought to himself. Yet, it was 12.45am and that’s exactly what he was doing. Robbie had made travels arrangements and was set to leave in the morning, and so figured Gary should probably know where his boyfriend was going to be… ‘if he’d only pick up the damn phone!’ Robbie felt his temper rising already.

Robbie wasn’t even surprised when Gary’s assistant picked up the call instead, and he even patiently waited while she put him on hold as she ventured off in search of the love of his life. When a voice came back on the line, Robbie was disappointed to find her gentle tone again, “Sorry Robbie – he’s a bit busy right now, I’ll get him to call you back in 5”  
Robbie sighed but was about to agree when he suddenly heard Gary’s softly spoken words in the background: “Actually, tell him we better make it in 15, half an hour is that’s ok – we really need to finish this up first”.  
Robbie narrowed his eyes, he was hurt by Gary’s dismissive words, and fuming about being let down AGAIN, “Actually tell you what – tell Gaz to not even bother, just thought I’d tell him what I was up to, but it sounds like he’s far too busy to even speak to me, so just tell him not to bother!”  
“eh…no, wait Robbie, I’ll get him for you - just hang on a minute –”  
But he had hung up.  
Robbie had had enough, he felt bad for her, she was only doing her job, and her voice had sounded incredibly distraught there at the end as if she’d just realised she was perhaps pissing off THE Robbie FUCKING Williams! …except she hadn’t pissed him off, her boss had.  
Robbie was sick of this, he was admittedly, a self-absorbed attention seeker, he’d admit that a thousand times over – which is why he wanted attention now, and was it really that unreasonable for him to want to be more than being a second thought to Gary, he figured. He was done with being the one doing the calling all the time, and with that he threw his phone across the room, his infantile-tantrum-loving side in full swing. The phone hit the floor, the impact breaking the back off, and sending the battery skidding along the floor.  
He looked at the contents sewn across the floor, and sighed as he bent down to pick it up again. Fitting the battery back he turned over the phone but paused from pressing the ‘on’ button, ‘No, fuck it!’ he thought out loud, and he shoved the still switched-off phone in his back jeans pocket, before he picked up his suitcase in the hallway and left through the front door.  
****************************************************************************************************************************************

 

The ringing ran out, filling the large spacious and very empty house with its high pitched shrill. Gary checked the time on his watch, confused at still getting no answer at home, after an hour and a half. Maybe Robbie had gone out after all, he thought, but then that wouldn’t explain why his mobile was switched off.  
Puzzled, he tried calling the mobile again, and was just leaving another voicemail when Eliot came up behind him laughing about something, it was so loud that he had to cut the message short, “El – mind out, I’m trying to get in touch with Rob, I’ve no idea where he’s got to!” he said after he had hit the ‘call end’.  
“Gaz, he’s probably in bed already, it is nearly 1.30am over there, relax, talk to him in the morning”, Eliot straightforwardly advised.

It was a sensible suggestion but it still left Gary baffled, and more than slightly worried about where Robbie could be, and why he wasn’t picking up the phone. But he decided to push all those thoughts to the back of his head, as he dialled their home number again, listened to it ringing, awaiting for message service to kick in.  
“Hey baby, just wondering where you are. Sorry I missed you earlier, I know I’ve been useless these last few days, and well, I’ve been working too much, but I’ll be home soon. Maybe sooner than you think! I…well, please can you give me a call back when you pick this up, I may be thinking out loud here but I just want to know you’re safe s’all. Miss you so much baby, and love you to the stars and back!”

Gary hung up the call with a frown, he just wished he knew where his boyfriend was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I didn't upload this yesterday - I fell asleep while editing it! Hope you enjoy, and don't fall asleep while reading it! ;) xxx 
> 
> Next chapter will see Robbie fall into a dark place as he struggles to cope without a very 'blind' boyfriend. The problem is, where that will take him could destroy them both, forever.


	4. It's What I Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being separated by continents causes further communication problems for Gary and Robbie's relationship, with far-reaching consequences.

## It's What I Do

“Prague?! Gary repeated down the phone line, confused and completely stunned. It had been nearly two days since Gary had last heard from his boyfriend. He had already left countless messages on the home phone, and many more voicemail’s on Robbie’s phones, to no avail. His next port of call was to call Mark, it was always to call Mark – where Robbie was concerned, anyhow.  
Gary sighed, even though he was still worried, at least he now knew something now…

_Gary: He didn’t say anything about going to Prague._  
_Mark: Hmm…are you sure? …Or maybe he did, but you didn’t hear him? I know he wouldn’t have gone out there without telling you._  
_Gary: Well…I guess that doesn’t sound like him, but that still doesn’t explain why I haven’t been able to get in touch, have you tried calling him?_  
_Mark: No, but I got a text from him last night, talking about some weird towel situation in his hotel room._  
_Gary: Are you kidding me?!?! I’ve not had a single reply and you get a text about towels!!!_  
_Mark: Gaz, calm down. You’re missing the point; he’s obviously ok so don’t worry._  
_Gary: Mark, Worrying - it's what I do, especially when it comes to Rob. Yes, I suppose at least I know he’s safe now, just ignoring me it seems._  
_Mark: It’s probably a bit of Robbie-style pay back for you being so busy recently._  
_Gary: I know I’ve a lot of work on lately but –_  
_Mark: Hey Gaz, I’m not judging or having a go, I know you love Robbie and would spend all your time with him if you could, all I’m saying is you know Rob, he can be a right infantile prat sometimes, but it’s usually because he’s feeling hurt by something, or someone._  
_Gary: Ok, Marko – I get the point, thing is I can’t make it better if he keeps ignoring me...but I can’t believe that he’d actually purposely ignore my voicemails. I mean, surely he’d know I’d be sick with worry about him…no, he wouldn’t do that, he just mustn’t realise is all._  
_Mark: I’ll text him, tell him to get over himself, and give you a call._  
_Gary: Thanks Markie, hey are you guys still ok for coming to ours for a small dinner party next week?_  
_Mark: Yep, we’re looking forward to it. Anyway, I best be off, the dog’s practically biting my leg off to go outside._  
_Gary: Aw bless – ok, take care Markie, my love to you all…and thanks again, I owe you one._

Gary put the phone down and sighed again. He loved Robbie to bits, but it did baffle him how a grown man could act so infantile sometimes….but he didn’t care, infantile or not, he just wanted to speak to him, to know his Robbie was safe and ok.

****************************************************************************************************************************************

 

Robbie looked down at him phone and read the text from Mark with a furrowed brow. He now knew the radio silence was having an effect, which would’ve made him inwardly smile with satisfaction, but from the sounds of it, Gary was actually really worried. He didn’t want to cause him distress, yet from the sounds of Mark’s text, that’s exactly what he was doing. 

He called Mark, who immediately told him to stop being a dick and to call his boyfriend. Robbie suddenly realised how immature he was being. He wanted Gary to take their relationship seriously and here he was, endangering it by acting so childishly. He wanted a grown up relationship, therefore he needed to act the grown up he was supposed to be.

He dialled his voicemail and went back through the numerous messages he’d received from his boyfriend, over the last 24 hours, or so:

_Hey Baby, sorry I couldn't take your call earlier, we were just at a bit of a crucial point in developing a new part to the first act. Please call me back, would love to hear your voice._

_…Babe, just wondering where you are and why your phone’s off, can you give me a call babe, love you._

_…Robbie, still not heard from you, missing your voice, please call me back as soon as you get this._

_…Rob, don’t want to sound the alarmist but I’m getting worried, please can you call me as soon as you turn on your phone on, please I need to hear from you._

_…Where are you Robbie? This is getting ridiculous, why aren’t you picking up your calls? I’m really worried and want to hear you’re ok._

_…Baby, please call me back, I’m sick with worry here. Love you so much, please just can you call so I know you’re ok._

When it finished he replayed the voicemails again and again, and with each message he grew more ashamed. What was he playing at, he wasn't even sure anymore! He had wanted to give Gary a piece of his own medicine - that was all. Robbie suddenly felt sick, when he had originally listened to them individually he had almost smirked at Gary’s concern, but now he could hear them all together and how really worried Gary had begun to sound. Mark was right, he had been a dick.

He swiped his fingers across his phone, about to press call on Gary’s name when suddenly his phone came to life in colour and light, with Gary’s name flashing before him. Gary was calling him. He immediately picked up the call:

 _Robbie: Gaz…_  
_Gary: Oh, Thank GOD!!! Are you ok?! Where have you been?! Why didn’t you answer my calls?! Where even are you?!!?_  
_Robbie: Woah Gaz, slow down – I’m fine, I’ve been doing a couple of gigs s’all –_  
_Gary: But why didn’t you call me back?! I’ve left so many messages, I didn’t even know where you were! Do you even know how worried I’ve been and how bloody hard it's been trying to find out if my boyfriend's ok?!_  
_Robbie: well, I guess you know how it feels then._ (Robbie immediately regretted saying words even as they left his mouth)  
_Gary: Wait, you actually did do this on purpose?!_  
_Robbie: …No, I mean, look Gaz –_  
_Gary: No, you said I should 'know how it feels’ now. I can’t believe it! Mark was right – you’ve been avoiding my calls on purpose, haven’t you?!_  
_Robbie: ...No, I meant I’ve been busy, too busy to talk - like how you always are._  
_Gary: So what? This is pay back?! I was just busy Robbie, I called you back straight away but no one was home! I can’t believe you’d be so cruel like this!_  
_Robbie: Me, be so cruel?! Well, I guess it's what I do, isn’t it?! And that would make it easy for you, wouldn't it? To say that, when I’ve been the one stuck at home all the time, trying to get five damn minutes of your attention, for how long?! Then when the roles are turned, I’m suddenly the one being cruel!_  
_Gary: You’ve purposely made me worried Robbie, that’s not fair. I’ve been sick with worry, thinking something’s happened to you and been feeling so completely helpless stuck over here. I didn’t get a single wink of sleep last night worrying where you were, I even changed my flight to come home early!_  
_Robbie: I’m sorry you were worried Gaz, I just want you to understand that if you’re going to be in a relationship then you need to take the time out of your busy schedule –_  
_Gary: What I understand is, you’re just as infantile as always, I’m not even sure you understand was a relationship is, when you pull crap like this!_  
_Robbie: Are you kidding me?! You go swanning away to a different country every other day, too busy to spend time with me, too busy to talk to me! Now you know how it feels is all I’m saying! I didn’t mean to–_  
_Gary: IT’S NOT THE SAME! You can always reach me wherever I am! I could not get hold of you anywhere, all sorts of images were going through my head, thinking you’d slipped in a shower and hit your head or something!_  
_Robbie: Bu..I...I’m Sor –_  
_Gary: It was excruciating being cut off like that, and then Mark says you’re probably just ignoring my messages, and I honestly think ‘No, Robbie wouldn’t do that because he’d know how much I’d worry’…_  
_Robbie: Gaz, plea–_  
_Gary: Turns out you did know how much I’d worry, in fact you were counting on it! Well, congratulations, I hope that makes you feel really happy, making me physically sick with worry for your well-being!_  
_Robbie: Of course it doesn’t! Gaz just hang on a minute-_  
_Gary: You know what, I’m done. Have a nice trip Robbie._

The line went dead, and Robbie was left in shock. It had all happened so quickly he didn’t have enough time to think, to process. As the shock began to wear off, all he could feel was his heart beating fast somewhere deep inside, making him feel sick to the stomach, while the words they just exchanged replayed in his head, particularly Gary’s last words. The words and tone Gary had used felt like an anvil dropping inside him, but he knew it wasn’t just what Gary had said that hurt him, it was his own actions too. Had he jeopardised their relationship with his foolish actions, what did Gary even mean when he had said _‘I’m done’._

“FUCK!!!” Robbie suddenly yelled and threw his phone away from him (albeit this time on to the soft mattress of the hotel bed, instead of the floor). He soon followed it when his legs crumbled beneath him, and he collapsed on to the side of the bed. He held his head in his hands, grabbing the hair on his sides, and squeezing it, pulling it until he felt the pain, then finally he let go and the tears suddenly fell freely from his eyes. He had fucked up, majorly fucked up, there was no two ways about it; of course, he was still pissed at Gary too, because he knew it was not all down to him, Gary had driven him to this, or so he reasoned with himself.  
“Fuck this!” he barked at the empty room, and dried his eyes roughly on his sleeve, before grabbing his wallet and strode over to the door. He glanced back at the phone still lying abandoned on his bed, downheartedly, before he shook his head and slammed the door behind him. A few seconds later, the bed covers began to vibrate, while a muffled buzz filled the air. The source of the vibration and buzzing: the abandoned phone, left behind.

 

Sitting at the bar in the hotel lobby, Robbie was sure he probably should’ve stopped by his Security/Minder’s room to let him know where he was going, but what did it matter, he thought, what did anything matter right now?!  
He ordered an orange juice at the bar, but then as that last thought hung in his head, he added a _‘fuck it’_ and asked the bartender to add a shot of vodka. Then another. Then another. After half an hour, he stopped ordering the orange juice altogether. 

“Wow – you’re a serious drinker aren’t you?” A sudden unfamiliar voice said beside him. Robbie tilted his head, paying very little attention to the tall figure standing beside him, and simply grunted a response. The stranger smiled, “and a dazzling personality to match, you really are quite the package aren’t you?”  
Robbie sniggered at that, “You have no idea!”  
“Sounds intriguing” said the stranger in a low gravelly voice, and he sat down on the stool beside Robbie, and ordered another two drinks pointing to him and Robbie.  
“No, I’m fine, I can pay for my own”, Robbie slurred, trying to bat away the offer of the drink.  
“Oh, I know you can, but I need a drink if I’m going to hear all about what’s brought you to this state, and frankly it’d be rude of me to ask you to buy me a drink, and even rudder of me to buy one for myself and not another for you”, the stranger smiled, offering a wide row of white, neat, shiny teeth.  
Robbie, still hunched over his drink on the bar, simply huffed, as if to say _’whatever’_ and took the offering of a new drink from the bar tender. Robbie could see the man beside him smiling as the man took a sip from his own glass. Robbie was not in the mood to entertain anyone. This happened a lot, people wanting to talk with him so they could say they had had a conversation with 'The Robbie Williams', so they could say they were ‘friends’ with him. Yep, he should’ve definitely knocked on his Minder’s door before coming down.  
Yet, after only 15 minutes of talking to this complete stranger, Robbie actually felt a little better, a half hour after that he was laughing a little too, and an hour after that he could confirm that yes, he was 100% drunk but he 100% couldn’t care, and he was having a great chat with this stranger. In fact nearly all thoughts of Gary were pushed back to the crevices of his mind…along with his conscience.  
He was getting along with the stranger, really getting along with him. He’d forgotten how fun it was to just drink and talk shit about things; like the state of the music business these days, politics, conspiracies and UFOs. Well, it wasn’t so much talking on Robbie's part, than it was slurring. The stranger didn't seem to mind, kin fact he seemed to find everything Robbie had to say, intriguing, plus Robbie found the man was very generous with his wallet, even holding Robbie’s hand down to prevent him from opening his own wallet.  
His touch was warm, and new.

He’d been chatting with the unknown man beside him, for well over two hours when the tall blond man suddenly stood up beside him, and said he really should be getting back to his room. Robbie nodded and said it was nice to meet him, but blond man then leaned up against him from behind, so close Robbie felt so intoxicated by the man's cheap aftershave that it sent his head spinning. The man however lingered by Robbie's ear before he gently whispered, “We could always continue this chat upstairs...if you like?”  
Not waiting for an answer, the blond touched Robbie’s hand on the bar again, ever-so-slightly stroking it as he pushed a room cardkey underneath into Robbie’s palm, then he left.

Robbie took a gulp of his drink, swallowing it hard and looked down at the card key. No emotions passed over his face, he wasn’t even sure he could feel his face...or his limbs, for that matter. He stayed hunched over at the bar for a time, but then a little while later, having gulped down the remainder of his drink, he clumsily shuffled off the stall, and left the bar.

The card key nowhere to be seen. 

***********************************************************************************************************************************************

 

“Gary, you can’t leave now. We’re supposed to be here another two days yet!” Eliot alarmingly advised as he watched Gary haphazardly packing his suitcases.  
“I know El, but you can do the rest on your own out here, while I work remotely from back home. It’ll be fine, trust me!”  
“Well, I’m sure it will be but what I don’t see is the point of all this, why leave now?!” He questioned the shorter man, who was himself, now darting around frantically looking for a plastic bag to put his aftershave and toiletries in, before stuffing that too in his suitcase along with his clothes.  
“I can’t leave it how I left it Eliot, he's not picking up the phone again, and I have to speak to him now, I want to be back home ready for when he comes home, I’m sorry – I know I’m landing you in it, it’s just –“  
“No, it's ok, no need to explain Gaz, I understand. Just…” he paused, “just have a safe journey home, and don’t worry about anything this end, I’ll sort it all out, no problem”, Eliot gently smiled.  
Gary smiled at him gratefully, he knew there was something else Eliot wanted to add to that but he appreciated with much love that Eliot was obviously holding his tongue, for his sake. Gary thanked his friend with a rough man hug and finished his packing, then grabbed his passport and left the room. Leaving Eliot to release a long sigh before he followed suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: well…Gary promises to put Robbie first, but what did Robbie get up to in Prague?
> 
> I aim to update this story on Saturdays because I’m just too rushed on Friday nights.  
> Thanks, and hope you’re enjoying it so far! xx


	5. Have I Told You Lately

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary returns home and awaits Robbie. It's time to make amends, but while Gary is happy to be home, Robbie's mind is in turmoil over something that happened in Prague.
> 
> Will Robbie's conscience let him move on?

## Have I Told You Lately

Gary stepped through the door, completely knackered. 

He just about managed to drag his cases in behind him, before he unceremoniously dumped his heavy laptop case on top of them. Stumbling into the lounge, he finally collapsed on the nearest sofa, and breathed out a relaxing sigh.  
He was glad to be home.

After a few minutes of quiet relaxation, he opened his eyes and looked around the room; by the looks of things, Robbie wasn’t yet home, which meant Gary had some time to get the place ready for when his boyfriend returned. He smiled to himself with just the thought of seeing Robbie again, but he also knew he would have some making up to do; and with that thought still fresh in his head, he finally got himself up off the sofa, and rubbed his hands together, “Right, time to get this place sorted!” he joyfully said to the room in general, before he set to work, whistling as he left to go into the kitchen.

**********************************************************************************************************************

 

Back in his own room, still in Prague, Robbie felt utterly sick to his stomach. Hungover was putting it lightly. His red eyes lingered on the sky outside the single window in the dingy hotel room, dawn was already fast approaching, and yet inside all he felt was darkness. Immediately inside his mind he could see Gary’s face, Gary’s beautiful, loving, trusting face. A face that will undoubtedly twist into heartache, hatred and betrayal, if he ever learnt of what Robbie had done last night... The sum of thinking of Gary AND the actions of the previous night was more than enough to make his insides curdle all the more. He crashed on to the bed, face down and there he stayed for some time, with his mind trapped in ‘replay’; flashing systematically between his disgusting betrayal, and the man he loves above all. His breathing shortened as he squirmed on the bed, crying and yelling into the pillow before roughly pulling his hands through his hair - he couldn’t believe what he’d done, why he'd done it, what if he'd just ruined everything. As those thoughts refused to leave him, all there was left to do was freely break down into floods of tears. And that’s just what he did, for how long, he knew not, but it was not enough to take the pain and anguish away.

**********************************************************************************************************************

The bed covers had been changed upstairs, the kitchen was tidy, so was the lounge – he had even got the fire place (which they hardly ever used) roaring with warm, licking, vibrant flames. He had just stepped back into the kitchen and was considering when to put dinner on, when he suddenly heard the front door close. Beaming excitedly from ear to ear, he left the pans and unprepared food where it was and rushed to meet Robbie at the door.  
“Surprise!!!” Gary brightly announced as he happily bounced into the hallway. Robbie was momentarily taken aback, he figured someone was in, but just assumed it was his sister, or Gary’s mum, come to check up on things.  
“Gary – you’re home!...I didn’t ex- …I wasn’t expecting you to be home already, I thought you were coming back on Saturday, I’m sure you said Saturday… I wanted to get the house ready for you”, a stunned Robbie rambled on, not sure of what he was saying but needling to say something, since Gary was standing there smiling widely at him, which only served to make him fill more sick inside. He was incredibly aware of the pair of sunglasses still perched on his nose, they had been busy concealing his red puffy eyes on the plane over, but he wasn’t sure how long he could legitimately keep them on in front of Gary, without raising questions.  
Gary looked down momentarily sheepish, “I know, I just…I hated how I left it on the phone with you the other day, I’m so sorry baby - you were right, I’ve been spending too much time away recently, and I promise to change that starting right now; I can do more work remotely, and that way we can spend time together here at home!”  
Robbie smiled, despite himself, “Babe, I don’t know what to say – that’s…lovely” he finished mustering the best smile he could despite the feelings stirring inside, without meaning to he also unconsciously removed the glasses to finally reveal the post-tears state of his face…  
“Rob! Are you ok?!” Gary asked with sudden concern, noticing the undeniable signs of spent tears. Robbie cursed himself for forgetting his glasses, and fought to immediately recover his composure, “Oh…just the lethal mixture of air con, and a soppy movie on the plane! No worries babe, but I think I might just go up and wash some water on me face” Robbie said, sounding slightly too overly-casual.  
Gary smiled sympathetically, he’d been in a similar predicament on his way over too. “Why don’t you hop in the shower and freshen up while I get the dinner on?”  
Robbie was pretty sure nothing on this Earth was going to make him feel fresh right now, after all he’d already had three showers today already, and needed another every time his thoughts lingered back to what he did the night before. A shower suddenly sounded a good idea, “you’re right, I think I might” he quietly replied while trying his absolute hardest to return and mirror his boyfriend’s smile. Gary seemed satisfied with whatever grimace was plastered on Robbie’s face, as he went back off into the kitchen. Robbie paused a short while on the bottom steps of the staircase listening to the sudden eruption of rustling pots and pans in the kitchen, and finally he sighed rather dispiritedly as he picked up his bags and ascended the stairs, slowly removing himself further away, step by step from Gary’s melodic humming in the kitchen as dinner got underway.  


Robbie looked around at his and Gary’s bedroom, _their_ bedroom, and there it was again, that instant nauseous feeling, rising in his throat. He dumps off his bags and dashes to the bathroom, slamming but failing to sufficiently close the door behind him, he just about makes it to the toilet bowl in time before retching, and consequently throwing up the plane food. 'I can't do this! What the fuck am I going to do?!' he frantically thinks to himself before he eventually mentally slaps himself and finding his feet, he walks over to the sink. A polished, sparkling sink, Gary had so obviously recently cleaned since his return. He rinsed his mouth and threw water in his face, but not being able to stand looking at himself in the mirror, he deftly avoids his reflection, and makes his way over to shower instead, and began to disrobe.

Downstairs, Gary had dinner well underway - the fish pie was now in the oven and the greens were in the steamer. When he heard the shower turn on, he knew that was his cue and so with all in hand in the kitchen, he walked lightly and carefully into the hallway, pausing at the stairs, waiting to hear Robbie’s usual shower singing, but no singing came. Untroubled, he made his way up the stairs, steeping lightly on the soft carpet, avoiding the creaky stair by treading on it’s fine-grained veneer sides instead, his smile growing with each new step successfully scaled, without so much as a peep. He let out a long covertly held breath when he finally reached the top, and made his way stealthily into the master bedroom. Walking towards the unmistakably sounds of running water in the ensuite, he began to remove his clothes, struggling a little with his zipper. Thankfully Robbie had left the door ajar, making Gary’s job easier as he stepped into the wet room, immediately being bombarded with hot steam, and air so thick with moisture, it felt of sauna proportions. He could barely see anything, through the mist, and the mirror dripping with thick condensation, yet on finding the shower, he could just about see a flesh figure beyond its door. Lastly, he removed his socks and opened the door, hoping Robbie would be facing away from the door, so as to not spoil the surprise.

Robbie was indeed facing away from the shower door. But the sudden onslaught of cold air making contact with his wet skin caused him to turn immediately around and was startled to find his boyfriend naked in front of him.  


“Thought I’d surprise you!” Gary smiled with glee, before he made his way over to Robbie and began dutifully kissing his neck, leaving little butterfly kisses from Robbie’s ear lobe to his Adam’s apple. Gary then began to kiss lower, following the soapy water spill down Robbie’s chest, he licked and kissed, venturing further down his chest.  
Robbie was immediately intoxicated by his boyfriend’s lips caressing his skin, but there was something strange about it, he didn’t feel exactly turned on, more queasy than anything. Gary seductively worked his way down Robbie’s navel and followed the happy trail, wanting to reach its end; all the time Robbie leaned his head back and tried to enjoy it, but try as he might, he couldn’t, it felt wrong, he felt wrong. Gary was pure and he was not, he didn’t feel he deserved this treatment, this love.  
He knew where Gary was heading, and as soon as he could feel Gary’s breath blow on his genitals, he knew that was it. He couldn’t stand here with Gary on his knees, and watch while Gary sucked his cock…not after what _he'd_ done. With a sudden and very unexpected (or at least it was to Gary) jolt, Robbie gentle pushed Gary away from him. Gary looked up at him with eyes mixed with lust and confusion, “everythin’ ok baby?” he innocently asked, trying to cover up any concern he had that Robbie may still not forgiven him for the phone saga.  
“I’m fine, I just…I’m not in the mood s’all.” Robbie tried to sound almost as casual as Gary tried to sound unconcerned. He gently pulled Gary up to meet him, “another time, ok Gaz?”  
Gary nodded but was left more than a little dumbfounded, “ok, but I just can’t believe you’d say no to sex, you never say no to sex – you’re always in the mood for sex, and THOSE are your own words!”  
Robbie could feel his face heating up, he felt cornered and claustrophobic all of a sudden, he just wanted out of the situation, “Gaz, I’m just tired, I’ve been travelling all day and I just wanted some peace and quiet in the shower, I wasn’t expecting you to barge in and –”  
Before Robbie could continue, Gary was already opening the door and shuffling out, “Sorry, I thought I’d…I’m sorry I’ll just…”  
“No, Gaz, I didn’t mean like that…” Robbie quickly followed Gary’s action and stepped out the shower.  
“No, it’s fine – I need to check on dinner anyway” Gary hurriedly said as he grabbed a towel (and in fact, the only towel), and made his way out the door into the bedroom.  
“Wait, Gaz…Gaz!!!” Robbie urgently called from the bathroom, dripping on to floor, he was unable to follow without drenching the carpet in their bedroom. He knew he needed to follow him, Gary was upset, Robbie could see that, and he could hear it in his voice.  


Gary was already out of the bedroom, when Robbie had finally shaken enough water off his body, and took his first shivering, naked step outside the warm confines of the ensuite. He grabbed a dressing gown off the back of the door and ran out the room, chasing Gary down the stairs. In his haste, Robbie soon discovered he’d picked up Gary’s much smaller robe.  


Finding Gary in the kitchen, Gary had been draining the steamer, but was still stood there hunched over the kitchen sink, the steaming vegetables left on the side.  
Robbie hated himself, he officially hated himself. He walked up to the lone figure, Gary's back still to him, and enveloped the smaller man in a hug, wrapping Gary up in his big arms.  
He felt a temporarily-startled Gary, soon surrender against his body, allowing Robbie to wrap his arms around him even more tightly. As Robbie turned Gary around to hug him probably, Gary tried to apologise again, and it was more than Robbie could take, “Stop apologising Gary, there is absolutely nothing you need to apologise for. Everything we said on the phone it was only testament to how much we love and care for each other”, Robbie softly spoke in Gary’s ear as the hug continued. He could feel that sick feeling rising again, but ignored it. “Let’s just forget it ok, and enjoy being home, together”. Gary broke the hug at last, and looked up into Robbie’s eyes and smiled,  
“Have I told you lately how much I love you” Gary simply told him, his voice full of love. Robbie couldn’t believe how lucky he was, and how sick that made him feel with himself at the same time. “Gary, I –”  
“Dinner’s ready!” Gary sharply announced, and after interrupting his boyfriend, he soon busied himself with getting the food dished up. Robbie stood there in a small dressing grown that wouldn't cover him up sufficiently, and watched the man he loved more than life itself, work to make him happy, once more. He wanted to smile, he wanted to pretend all was ok, but he couldn’t – because deep down he knew nothing was going to be ok again.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay - but I now have some time to work on updating this fic regularly. As it's Easter I might even update more than once a week...hopefully!  
> Next Chapter: Robbie's inside turmoil continues - what will he do?!


	6. It’s in Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie is slowly becoming more and more consumed with his guilt. Gary is starting to notice, and wants answers!
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to corazon9 and noma, who were very lovely, to leave a comment requesting a new chapter. Thank you for your kind words.

## It’s in Your Head

Gary awoke the next morning with a hard pressure pressing down on his chest. Opening his eyes, they fell on to the clasping arms holding him tightly under the covers. He was used to Robbie wanting to cuddle in bed, he loved a good cuddle too; but Robbie was really clinging on to him, in his sleep. Gary tried to move them, but they weighed a tonne, so he instead he tried to relax in his lover’s arms, except his need to pee was growing greater. From the snores, Robbie was still very much asleep, which the drooling also confirmed. Gary began to slowly wiggle against the muscular tattooed arms clamped around him. It was no good, “babe, hun…I need you to let me go, I need to go” he whispered at Robbie’s sleeping form. Robbie stirred in his sleep, furrowed his brows, mumbled but only clasped on tighter to him.   
Gary sighed, and felt his lungs being constricted, he didn’t suffer from claustrophobia but was growing a little anxious of how his breathing was being restricted. He spoke a little louder, although still soothingly, “Robbie hun, I really need to go, can you let me free now”.   
Robbie’s eyes flickered open and he yawned, making morning noises with his mouth, he nuzzled his nose into Gary’s hair before sleepily he replied, “please don’t leave me, Gaz – I love you so much”.   
“yeah I love you too Rob”, Gary said with short breaths “…but I really need to breath, and desperately need to pee!”  
Something in Gary’s words caused Robbie to properly stir awake, and although disorientated at first, he caught sense of Gary’s words, “oh sorry babe”, he offered as he released Gary from his grasp, “but come back yeah?!” he added with a wink.   
Gary whipped the silk duvet back, and stepped out of the bed, completely naked, giving Robbie an eyeful, to say the least! Robbie slid up the bed a little, propped up on an arm, he leaned, admiring Gary’s body, as he strode over to the en-suite. He smiled at the view, forgetting any troubles floating in his head from the night before. When Gary returned from the bathroom, good to his word he slinked back into bed, and straight into Robbie’s arms, nuzzling into the crook of Robbie’s arm pit. Robbie smiled as he reached around the smaller figure, his arms around him once more, enveloping Gary in a giant bear hug.

 

They finally left their bed over an hour later, not because they’d had a morning sex session but because they’d simply been enjoying the contact of the other’s warm body, and it gave them time to properly catch up with no distractions. Robbie loved how Gary talked about his work, it always brought a beautiful sparkle to the older man’s eyes, even though it led to him having a sudden pang of guilt for ever complaining about Gary working so much, when he knew Gary’s work was just simply a part of him, and made him so incredibly happy. To love Gary was to love his passion for working, it was as simple as that. That said, he loved ‘stay at home’ Gary the most – slobbing out in trackies, no plans, no deadlines, just relaxing – and that’s what he’d missed for a long while.   
Gary had noticed Robbie was avoiding a lot of questions about his recent gigs, but decided to let it go, and was busy making them some brunch in the kitchen while Robbie was checking the TV guide to see what was on - Robbie fancied a day just them, and the TV.

“Babe?” Gary casually inquired as he walked in with poached eggs on toast for them both, “where are our dogs?”  
Robbie grabbed a bit of toast off the plate offered to him, “Sally’s” he mumbled with a mouthful.  
“Oh, ok – shall we go and collect them? I’ve missed them so much” Gary said as he slumped into Robbie’s lap on one of their large sofa chairs.   
“Hmmm…later, maybe even tomorrow - I want to enjoy you to myself for a bit”, he growled into the crook of Gary’s neck, kissing behind his ear - the collision of whiskers tickling them both.   
“Ah Rob! I’m trying to eat here!” Gary giggled, while Robbie only responded by trapping Gary in his arms and hugging him tightly to him, kissing him furiously. Gary was still playfully trying to avoid his kisses, as to finish eating, when he heard the front letter box go, “the newspaper’s here” he confirmed, craning his neck round. Robbie suddenly froze…the newspaper. The momentary pause in thought, allowed Gary to wriggle free and detangle his limbs from Robbie’s. Standing up, he started in the direction of the newspaper, when Robbie suddenly grabbed Gary's wrist, preventing his progress.   
“Wait!” Robbie said somewhat alarmed, then upon realising the evident panic in his voice, he cleared his throat and more casually added, “I’ll get the newspaper, I think I just heard the kettle go – you go make us a brew?” his eyes looked up at Gary pleading him with that puppy-eyed look he did so well. Gary looked down at him and rolled his eyes, “what did your last slave die of?” he playfully chided but went off into the kitchen nonetheless.

Robbie checked Gary was at a safe distance in the kitchen then scrambled off the sofa and launched himself at the newspaper, after frantically checking the front cover, he wrenched it’s pages open - flipping through them at hyper speed; no photos, no gossip, no mentions, he was safe! He breathed out a sigh of relief, surely if there was any evidence it would be in today’s newspaper so hopefully that meant there was no eye witnesses to his drunken behaviour – other than the guy at the bar, of course. The moment his mind even acknowledged the existence of that guy, if only for a mere second, his stomach dropped, his blood ran cold and shivers were sent rapidly swimming up his spine - just picturing his face, his voice made Robbie was to throw up. How could he have been so stupid?! The fact there was someone out there with the power to destroy everything Robbie held dear, tortured him no end, but not as much as remembering his part in it all. Why did he take that stupid key card, why did he follow and use it, ‘why, why why?!’ he furiously screamed in his head.

“Rob are you ok, you look awful!”  
Robbie was quickly shaken out of his troubled, tortuous reverie when Gary’s concerned eyes suddenly darted in front of his face; holding two mugs of hot tea, Gary surveyed his boyfriend worriedly. Robbie looked at his hands, he still had the newspaper clutched in them, “eh yeah, I just got up too quick – blood rush, thought I was gonna faint for a second!”  
Gary smiled and shook his head, “You idiot, here – sit back down and take your tea” he gently ordered, guiding Robbie back to the sofa chair. Robbie did as he was told, and took the piping hot mug of tea offered by his partner. Hiding the shaking of his nerves, he concentrated on the cup, barely listening to Gary’s plans for the day which included picking up some food and chilling with a boxset for the rest of the day. Robbie simply mumbled his approval, while his head furiously thought about what to do, what should he do? Stay silent, or not?! He had no idea.

Robbie knew he was on a path that would only lead to self-destruct, if he wasn’t careful. He was consumed with guilt, to the brim but he realised he couldn’t let that take over. If he had a hope of burying this whole thing and moving on with life with Gary, he either had to simply find a way to get over it and move on, or confess to Gary. He didn’t want to confess to Gary. He knew Gary, and so he knew, if he told him, their life together would be over! And that he couldn’t have, he couldn’t take. Besides, he reasoned with himself, what Gary didn’t know, wouldn’t hurt him.  
****************************************************************************************************************

 

After going out and grabbing some food, they decided to leave the dogs with Robbie’s sister another night, and have a nice cosy night in, just the two of them. Gary felt so loved, being wrapped up in Robbie’s arms under a blanket on the sofa, it was a squeeze, which is why Robbie was probably holding on so tight (he reasoned to himself) - Robbie obviously didn’t want to let him fall off the sofa. That thought alone was enough to make Gary stupidly grin with contentment…yet, he was still a little confused; Robbie seemed happy, but incredibly quiet. Whenever Gary tried to ask Robbie about his gig in Prague, Robbie would shut down and shrug it off with a, “not much to say, it was a gig, and I didn’t really see much of Prague” kind of response. Usually Robbie would like to compare hotel rooms, and regale the gig song by song, talking about the audience reactions and what regrettable stage stunt, or cringe moment, he did this time. Furthermore, Robbie still very clearly wasn’t into having sex of any sort anytime soon, since every time Gary would start the foreplay, Robbie would unceremoniously shut him down. The response was always the same: “I just want to relax, babe – enjoy being with you s'all”, and when Gary would tell him, he just wants to show Robbie how much he loves him, Robbie would get even more distant and give Gary the brush off, “you don’t need to, I know that already – you tell me often enough!”.

Although Gary tried to leave it be, Robbie’s somewhat standoffish attitude continued to niggle at Gary’s brain, simply on the basis as he couldn't understand where it came from and how to fix it, and he wished he could fix it - he missed Robbie's touch, he missed being intimate. When they were getting ready for bed that night, he thought it only right he voiced his concerns about the apparent ‘sex ban’:  
“It’s strange though –”  
“Gaz – it’s been one day!” Robbie interrupts. They had both fallen asleep on the sofa downstairs and so rather much later than planned they had ascended the stairs to get ready for bed. Gary had just brushed his teeth and was getting undressed, as Robbie pulled back the duvet on his side of the bed, before jumping in.  
“Yeah, ONE day!” Gary declares, sitting on the opposite edge of the bed, “You don’t usually let 8 hours go by before you’re trying to maul me, and have your evil way with me Mister Williams, and yet here I am now, practically begging YOU for sex!” Gary complained, as he pulled down his joggers, leaving himself in only boxers, before he joined Robbie, sliding into bed, “Don’t you see how strange that is?!” he added, turning to look at his other bed occupant.  
Robbie shrugged, “Not really, firstly – it had to happen one day, and secondly - I’m obviously just that irresistible to you!” he finished with a smirk.  
Gary seemingly choose to disregard Robbie’s smirk, as he continued, “But I don’t get why you don’t want –”  
“Gaz – you are reading way too much into this, of course I want sex!” Robbie wearingly professed – “I’m just tired”.  
“But….” Gary still unconvinced and unsatisfied, furrowed his brows, "then why won’t you let me…I mean, pleasuring you requires very little energy on your part, and I just want to show you –”  
“Gaz! Just stop, okay?!” Robbie sharply retorted, exhausted and exasperated. “I’ve told you I don’t want to!” His voice was full of agitation. However, upon seeing the instant look on Gary’s face, like a child who's just been reprimanded for something it doesn't understand, Robbie immediately softened, swallowing a lump in his throat before he continued, “I love that you want to please me but I don’t need it right now, all THIS – it’s in your head, and it’s not helping! Just-", he huffed out a sigh, "…look, can we forget it for tonight, and just go to sleep?!”  
Taken slightly aback by the distress so evident in Robbie’s voice, Gary stilled the words forming at his lips, and closed his mouth. After a short while, thinking better of it, he tried to smile and simply replied with, “Okay. Of course. Sorry I didn’t mean to…”  
“It’s ok babe, let’s just get some sleep, yeah?” Robbie asked, and he certainly wasn’t going to let Gary apologise yet AGAIN. He turned the light off by his bedside, and snuggled down into the duvet on his side.  
“Yeah ok, night - love you” Gary sighed, before reaching under the covers to finally remove his boxers (rather sneakily secretly hoping to encourage Robbie to change his mind).   
Robbie had to disguise his sigh of relief, “Love you too” he whispered delicately as he watched Gary turn off his bedside light, pull the covers over and roll on to his side, his back to Robbie. Robbie audibly sighed this time, he could tell he’d hurt Gary, plus he could also very easily sense Gary’s bare nakedness under the duvet, suggesting Gary had far from given up on sex tonight. But Robbie was stubborn and could be strong when he needed to, and if that’s what it took to keep Gary safe, then that’s the way it had to be. He moved up behind Gary, spooning him, wrapping an arm around the smaller man. He detected the smallest of flinches from Gary before an arm reached around and grasped on to Robbie’s pulling it closer, enclosing him in love.  
Robbie smiled, yet still inside his head there was the continuing churning of bubbling turmoil - he loves Gary so much, and needs everything to be as it was, and to always be that way, but he feels so sick with himself, with what he did, the lies, the betrayal - and now having to deal with the guilt of Gary trying so hard to please him on top of all that! 

Long after Gary drifts off to sleep, Robbie is still far from a relaxing slumber. Wide awake, he listens to Gary’s contented snores, Robbie knows he can’t tell Gary the truth, without everything changing, without everything good in his life disappearing. He can’t lose what they have, not after all the years it took to first get where they are, and then to come out to the public. But he needs to find a way to ease Gary’s concerns about their sex life, without Gary thinking it’s something he’s doing wrong which only serves to add to Robbie’s guilt, and Gary's worry. When the truth is he can’t bring himself to make love to Gary, not when he’s so worried he’ll pass something on. In fact, he’s pledged to himself not to, not until he’s been tested. His need to protect Gary, trumps everything else, always.  
******************************************************************************************************************

 

“I think he’s bored with me” Gary worriedly relays his fears to Howard. Howard had called while Robbie was out picking up the dogs. After talking 'shop' for half an hour, the conversation quickly changed to Gary regaling his relationship woes to ‘Dr.’ Howard.

_Howard: Don’t be silly!  
Gary: I’m not, what with me working all the time, and well, he’s Robbie Williams - he loves excitement, and I’m just…well…me! Gary BORElow.  
Howard: Ha! That nickname still cracks me up!  
Gary: Doug!  
Howard: Sorry. Look, I think he’s right, you’re honestly reading too much into this, there’s no way there’s any truth in that, he loves the pants off you!  
Gary: Chance would be a fine thing!  
Howard: Um gross, thanks for the image - I’m actually eating here, but hey.  
Gary: Sorry… _(He sheepishly giggles)  
 _Howard: Yeah, you sound it! My point is, if you’re worried, all you need to do is spice things up a bit - if you catch me drift?!”  
Gary: I guess, but how?  
Howard: Use your imagination Gaz, I bet Robbie has a very vivid one, plus one or two kinks I should imagine, so you can’t go wrong with trying something a bit different in the bedroom is what I’m saying. Who’s usually the one in control, dare I ask? …and remember I’ve still half a sandwich to eat here!  
Gary: I guess him, although he does love it when I dominate, he likes the whole ‘Captain’ thing…  
Howard: Urgh, fuck sake Gaz!  
Gary: Well, serves you right for calling and talking on the phone with your mouth full!  
Howard: Bet Rob likes a mouth full, ey?!  
Gary: _(audibly tuts) _...And you had the audacity to call me gross!_  
******************************************************************************************************************

 

He was a very famous, very talented and successful Songwriter/Producer/Composer/Basically Musical Extraordinaire – so what precisely was he doing, he had no idea. That same question ‘why the fuck am I doing this at my age?!’ kept bouncing around his head the whole time he waited for Robbie to come home. Fact was, he’d seen this on a movie and it seemed far easier and quicker, than going to the incredibly awkward and embarrassing lengths of buying ‘special’ accessories for them, so here he was arse naked and oiled up, wearing food items on his bare skin, while lying flat out on their kitchen table. He didn’t know about this being exciting, but he knew his bum was numb, and even with the central heating and all the lit candles atmospherically placed around the kitchen, he was really starting to get _chilly around the willy_ – literally.

He was just about to give up when at last he heard the door go. He strained his ears and could hear Robbie’s voice in the hallway.  
Wait...he could hear Robbie’s voice - but couldn't tell if he was on the phone, or talking to himself? Gary instinctively knew the answer was ‘no’ to both those questions, and so the sudden unexpected appearance of another voice out in the hall (absolutely NOT Robbie’s) only served as confirmation of the fact.   
“Fuck!” Gary yelped as he darted off the table, why had he left the robe in the lounge. The adrenaline instantly flew through his veins, as he darted around the kitchen looking for something to cover himself up, and looking for an escape hatch! Beads of sweat quickly formed at his brow as he heard the voices grow nearer, well, from what he could hear over the dominant sound of his own heart beating so hard that it felt like it was in his throat!   
With one last desperate sweep of the kitchen he saw the tea towel hanging by the cooker and grabbed it just as the kitchen door opened, exposing his bare skin to the cool breeze in from the hallway. A mature feminine hand reached around and flicked on the main light, before an audible rapid intake of breath was heard and a startled shriek accompanied it. Her eyes fixed in shock, upon entering and discovering the sight in front of her - she couldn't tear her eyes away from the view of Gary standing there in the middle of kitchen, with the tea towel held below his waist.   
“Mum are you ok– ”, came Robbie’s perplexed voice from the hallway, shortly followed by the appearance of the man himself, and then by the dropping of his jaw when his eyes finally fell on Gary’s.

“Jan! Such a surprise, I wasn’t expecting to see you!” Gary shakily said, trying his best to smile.  
“And I wasn’t expecting to see so much of YOU Gary, darling!” Jan cheekily replied with a wink, before a horror struck Robbie, recovered enough to dart forward and cover his mother’s eyes, shielding them from his boyfriend’s modesty. Gary's cheeks were scarlet red, his chest was covered in whipped cream and there was still a chocolate Rolo stuck in his belly button.   
Robbie’s momentary shock turned to complete mesmerisation at the scene before him.   
He gazed on transfixed, while his mother tried to removed his hands from over her eyes, before he couldn’t help himself and finally Robbie barked out a massive laugh, hoping the spectacular view would be burnt on to his retinas forevermore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that! The next chapter will be up at the weekend, where a guilt ridden, Robbie pushes Gary further away, but reaches a decision about their future after a heart-to-heart with Mark. As always, thank you for reading. x


	7. Out of Reach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie confides in Mark, but what will be Mark’s reaction? AND will he finally confess to Gary?

##  Out of Reach

Four days Robbie had been withholding sex. For what reason, Gary still knew not, and Robbie seemed so closed up about it, acting like nothing was wrong, that Gary had all but given up on trying to get any sense out of him about it. All he wanted was to be intimate with his boyfriend, but after the naked kitchen incident, Gary had now firmly rejected Howard’s advice of spicing things up; he couldn’t take the embarrassment again, and he certainly didn’t think he’d be able to ever look Robbie’s mum in the eyes again, that was for sure!  
Little did Gary know, Robbie was struggling with the exact same urges.  
Robbie was tired; tired of thinking, tired of feeling like shit, tired of fending off advances from his own boyfriend, and really tired of having to deal with his own yearnings and horniness for Gary’s body. He wanted him so much, and it was agony having to say no, all the time. He’d fortunately been able to get a quick appointment at the clinic but after the humiliation of feeling like some stupid 17 year old being given a leaflet on safe sex, he was then told he’d need to wait up to four days for the results, and to avoid all sexual activity until he’d got the all clear. Thank god for the Hippocratic Oath, was all he could say at that point!

Apart from the lack of sex, things were otherwise okay between the lads, the dogs were back at home, and for Robbie, they were a great distraction from revisiting the torment burning inside him. Gary was busy working from the home studio, while Robbie set up meetings with his creative team in the accompanying study. They actually found a comfortable compromise in no time, working during the day before spending the afternoon together, or any spare 10 minutes they could. 

But still no sex. 

Robbie called the clinic, but still his results weren't in, and it made him nervous. 'What if they actually found something?', he frantically thought to himself, what would he tell Gary then?! The guilt plagued his mind, bringing tortuous thoughts, preventing sleep. The sad thing was, it would strike Robbie most, just when Gary was being his most attentive towards him. Every time Gary tried to show him love, it caused Robbie to inwardly struggle between just wanting to forget everything to appreciate Gary’s tenderness, and needing an escape route out of his emotions. Suddenly, he'd be feeling too much, overwhelmed, and he'd feel trapped - imprisoned in his own guilt; where Gary’s very affection felt like torture to him! He hated himself for consequently pushing Gary away, for pretending all the time, and for making Gary possibly think _he_ was at fault somehow. It all placed them in a perpetual cycle of hurt, for them both, and Robbie, for one, wasn’t sure how much more either of them could take.

 

The morning of the 5th day since he’d had himself tested for sexual transmitted infections, Robbie had a bad feeling inside him - he was almost sure he’d caught something now, and that mere thought, out of simple protection, caused him to shrink away from Gary’s every touch. Gary was hurt by being pushed away YET again - it confused him no end, and he'd had enough; he needed some time out of the house, and away from their situation. Eliot was back from NYC, and in London for a couple of days. The firm friends/writing partners needed a collaboration session on a new writing project, so Gary decided the timing was perfect, and left early that morning to meet Eliot, in London.

Robbie had waited all of 5 minutes after Gary’s departure, before making the call. The timing of the call, being so early in the morning, together with his dejected and admittedly pathetic tone, was obviously enough to cause Mark to drive quickly over. When Robbie greeted him at the door, it was with a slumped, defeated form, and a simple, “Sit down, I’ll get the coffee”. 

Mark was concerned. Robbie had not sounded himself on the phone, and now that he’d seen him, knowing how prone to depression he was – Mark was worried, because he was certainly now seeing tell-tale signs in his friend.  
“Rob, you know I love you”, Mark carefully started as soon as Robbie had returned with the fresh brew, “I love you both – and it’s because I’m worried, out of love for you both that I say this, I’m not trying to be judgemental, like I said, I’m concerned is all, and I want you to be happy, both of you-"  
“Jesus, Mark – spit it out would you!” Robbie snapped.  
“Fine!” Mark replied, a little hurt and taken aback by Robbie’s sudden snippy mood. He took a breath, considering his next words carefully, “Are you seriously thinking of ending it with Gary?!”  
“WHAAATT?!?!” Robbie’s stunned eyes were the size of saucers, having not expected that question at all, “Why would you even say that? What would give you that idea, Mark?!”  
“So, that’s a no, righ’?”  
“Of course it’s a fucking no! Jesus Christ Mark, how could you even think that, that’d be the last thing I’d ever want to happen! …I would never break up with him - he’s my life, that man – he is my absolute fucking life!”  
“Ok, ok, I get it”, Mark replied carefully, trying to sedate Robbie’s temper from flaring any further, “I’m relieved, really relieved!” he smiled, in the hope of receiving one back from Robbie. But Robbie was in no mood to smile…  
“What on earth made you think that to begin with?!” Robbie questioned, “Was it ‘cause I was mad at him for working?! ‘Cause I’m not anymore, that’s all behind us now!”  
But Mark suddenly went sheepish, shifting in his seat; “Um…no, it’s not that, it’s just…well, I was talking to Howard, and he seemed to insinuate-”  
“Wait! How the fuck would Howard– ….why would he even 'insinuate' anything like that…why would you two even be talking about it?!” Robbie practically yelled at the smaller man, unnerved that two supposed friends would be talking about HIS relationship to begin with, let alone that they’d seemingly put two and two together and come up with five. They had it completely wrong!  
“Alrigh’ calm down! We weren’t talking about it per-se, but well, Howard was concerned, because well, that’s what Gary told him! - well, they discussed it anyhow”, Mark continued, carefully watching Robbie’s eyes grow even larger, “Howard said that Gary thought that you wanted to end it with him.”  
Robbie was shell-shocked. Gary thought Robbie wanted to break up with him?! He couldn’t believe it! Plus, Gary would tell Howard that, without even talking to _him_ first!  
“I can’t believe it – I can’t believe Gary said that!” Robbie said, his inner thoughts reaching his lips, “I don’t understand how he could even think that, I really don’t!” He was completely flabbergasted.  
“Well, you were mad at him about the New York trip”, Mark calmly reasoned.  
“Yeah, ‘mad’ because I wanted to spend time with him, not split up with him! - Oh my god, do you think he still thinks that now?!”  
“I don’t know Rob…but…” Mark paused, considering his words.  
“But what?!?! Tell me!” Robbie demanded, his hysteria growing.  
“Howard mentioned that Gary said he was concerned you were bored of him…sexually.”  
Robbie furrowed his eyebrows, things were starting to make sense…  
“So because I said no to sex, it must mean I want to break up?! Is our relationship so fucking superficial that it’s just based on sex?!”  
“Of course not! Well, as far as I know – from the outside looking in...I just mean-”  
“Yeah, Mark I get it.” Robbie rolled his eyes at his friend’s struggle to find the right words. “But…so we’re not having sex right now, it’s just sex!”  
Mark bit his lip, and Robbie could tell Mark was choosing his words carefully again, like he was having to talk to a child. It irritated Robbie.  
“Yeah, but Rob–”, Mark spoke up, “there must be something up, if it’s true and you don’t want intimacy with him – YOU, who loves sex! That’s not right surely?! And that’s obviously where he’s got the idea from! Why else?!” he reasoned.  
“I WANT SEX!....God, how I want him so badly, I just can’t right now!...I mean, I’m…well, I’ve been stalling it for bit, yeah, but it’s only been a few days! I don’t understand why he’d go running to Howard - telling him all sorts about OUR relationship!”

Robbie was getting agitated, but Mark could see it wasn't just about Gary talking to Howard - he could sense it was because of something more, something he wasn't saying. However, he needed to calm his mate down first, before probing further.  
“I don’t think he was”, Mark levelly said eventually, “I think he just wanted advice from Dougie about how to, you know, spice things up in the bedroom…”.  
“You kiddin'?! He wouldn't even–” Robbie paused, and then he remembered, “Oh, wait – so that explains…”, Robbie couldn’t help but smile remembering the kitchen incident, the image as clear as day in his head. Gary wasn’t one for doing that kind of stuff, Robbie certainly was, but the fact Gary did go to those lengths for him, even though it made him so uncomfortable and incredibly embarrassed (as it turned out), it just made Robbie’s heart swell even bigger, for the man.  
“Look Rob”, Mark suddenly said, interrupting Robbie’s thoughts, “there’s obviously something up - Gary’s obviously thinking you’re somewhat out of reach to him right now, no matter what you say. He just wants to know how to fix whatever it is, so why don’t you let him? – Why are you ‘stalling it for a bit’ anyway? It make no sense, that!”  
Robbie’s smile quickly faded, as he averted his eyes from Mark’s interrogatory gaze.  
“I…I just am. I have my reasons”, he sighed.  
“Care to share them?” Mark was not letting up.  
“I can’t”, Robbie’s voice was barely audible but Mark heard him, and huffed in frustration.  
“So why am I here? Huh?!” Mark curtly asked, “Something is definitely up with you, you’re not even pretending to be ok, so what’s going on, Robbie?!” His words may have been blunt but it was because he was so worried for his mate. He needed to get to the bottom of it, for all their sakes.  
Robbie however, wasn’t sure whether discussing it any further, with Mark would be the brightest thing to do.  
“Look, we’ll be fine”, he simply said, trying to deflect Mark’s inquisition by sounding a lot more calmer than he was, “we're just waiting a bit s’all”. Unfortunately, rather than sedating Mark’s questioning however, it actually had the reverse effect;  
“You mean YOU'RE waiting! ...Waiting for what?!” Mark asked.  
“It doesn’t matter”.  
“Then why can’t you say?”  
“I can say, I’m just choosing not to, because it’s not relevant!”  
“Obviously it is, Rob, for you to get so irate and unresponsive about it, but if you don’t tell me, you have to at least talk to Gary about this, he…”  
“I can’t, ok?!”  
“Why not?”  
“I can’t! He’ll want to know why–”  
“Why what?! For fuck sake Robbie!”  
“Why I want to keep him safe, ok!”  
“Safe from what? I don’t understand?!”  
“It doesn’t matter, I just need to wait a little longer is all” Robbie ended glumly, looking anywhere but into his small buddy’s eyes.  
“Safe?! I don’t get it…keep him safe from what?” Mark paused, considering Robbie’s words, “So you’re not sleeping with him, in order to keep him safe” he mumbled, almost to himself. Robbie now had his face in his hands and offered no response, but Mark didn’t need it, he'd worked it out;  
“So this is about safe sex, isn’t it?” he rhetorically asked, rather triumphantly. “But why?” He continued, “I don’t understand –?!”  


“I…I caan’t tell you –”  
“Rob!”  
“You won’t understand –“  
“Rob, I swear to god, if you don’t tell me what–“  
“I just need to know I won’t make him sick, ok? It’s to protect him…”  
“That’s great, but why all of a sudden, why would safe sex even be an issue now?” Mark naïvely asked as he continued to survey his friend’s hunched over, deflated form. But then cogs started slowly turning in his head, and he didn’t like where his thoughts were leading him; “Wait…Rob, why would you think he might catch something from you now? 'cause that's why isn't it?” Mark carefully questioned, keeping his voice level, but already knowing, already fearing, the answer, “unless– ” (Robbie’s head was still nestled in his palms, his whole stance suddenly spoke volumes to Mark) “…Rob, what have you done?” But he knew the answer already. “Please tell me you haven’t…you haven’t –”  
“Just listen please, Mark, just listen…” Robbie finally lifts his head to look Mark in the eyes, and they beg for Mark to hear his side. Mark gives the swiftest of nods, but his face stayed set hard and stony, willing to hear Robbie's side but already knowing he wasn't going to like it.  
Robbie very slowly and barely audibly told Mark the full story of what happened in Prague, at least from the little Robbie could actually remember - what the alcohol hadn’t deleted from his memory. He wished it had deleted it all. Just to say it out loud caused his soul to twist in anguish, by sharing, it felt as if he was finally admitting to himself, what he’d done. He felt revolted with himself, and like a complete arsehole. And looking into Mark’s shocked eyes, Robbie was 100% sure Mark shared those same exact feelings towards him.  


The silence between them was deafening.  


“Say something,” he pleaded after a time, carefully watching the smaller man’s reaction to his words, “please Markie - say something!”  
“What do you want me to say, Rob?” Mark’s eventual response was unfeeling, sterile, robotic.  
“I know you’re mad”  
“Mad?! YOU’RE UNBELIEVABLE!” The smaller man suddenly exploded in anger, “I CANNOT believe you Rob, how could you do this to Gary?! After everything you've both been through!” Mark spat out vehemently, before turning his back on the man, unable to pity the miserable creature before him.  


All Robbie could do was sigh, and remember an angry Mark was at least better than a silent Mark. Robbie always feared the silent treatment from those he loved, it was the worst.  
“I know, ok” Robbie conceded. He knew he’d fucked up, and it haunted him daily but he was trying to make things better, and he needed Mark to see that now; “I’m gonna make it right though, like now – keeping him safe, keeping him out of reach until I know for sure I won’t pass owt on - I’m taking responsibility for my actions, Mark!”  
“Responsibility huh? So, when exactly are you going to tell him why you’ve been so responsible, and not slept with him? When are you going to tell him the truth?!”  


Robbie had feared that question.  
“Mark, I can’t tell him – it will destroy him!”  
“You have to tell him Rob, he has a right to know you’ve cheated on him!”  
“I didn’t ‘cheat’! Not like you think, Yes, I technically was 'with' another bloke but I just…it was the drink, I didn’t even fancy the guy, I just got caught up in…I was upset, see…but it was a drunken mistake, it means nothing, just a few minutes with a random guy – it WAS nothing, but it will very much BE ‘something’ if I tell Gary.” He knew he was likely to be officially the worst person ever but he knew he couldn’t tell Gary, and he just had to persuade Mark of that too; “Honestly, no good can come of telling him, Mark”.  
Mark shook his head, and turned to face Robbie once more, his features fixed in a furious glare that didn’t suit him, “Gary NEEDS to know, you cannot keep this secret, he will find out!”  
Robbie felt instantly sick, was mark implying what he thought he was?  
“Are you going to tell him?” he challenged, finally voicing his fear.  
But Mark simply rolled his eyes in disbelief, “I won’t even need to, he’s famous, you’re famous – this will be found out, you can’t keep it secret, someway, somehow it will find its way into the tabloids! It always does! Can’t you see?! That’s why you have to tell Gary now, you can’t let him find out from a tabloid!” Mark reasoned, his voice losing some of its anger, “Please Rob, you owe him that!”  


Rob miserably shook his head, tears forming in his eyes, “I can’t Mark, I just can’t!”  
“You have to Rob, you just have to – it’s not fair to him, not fair to you both to have this hanging over your heads like this! Look how its already affecting your relationship!”  
Robbie began to break down in tears, and at the sight of the pitiful man in front of his eyes, Mark’s anger eventually dissipated. He walked over to the sofa Robbie was perched on and put a comforting arm around his broad shoulders, “Hey, come on now –it’ll be ok, Robbie”.  
But Robbie couldn’t see how, “He’ll hate me, he’ll end it, for sure! I can’t lose him Mark, please - you have to understand!”  
“He’ll come round I’m sure, any fool can see how you two are meant to be together, yes - it’ll take time and work, you'll have to earn back his trust but you can get over this, I know you can! But it starts with being honest with him, only then can you find a way forward together”.  
Robbie’s face was flushed, his eyes held more tears yet to fall, he knew Mark was right, of course Mark was right, but that didn’t help.  
“It honestly makes me feel sick just thinking about him knowing. He is my life Mark, he is my everything, and he trusts me so much, I can’t bear to see that be ruined, for his faith in me to just disappear, and it will if I tell him, I'm sorry but I couldn’t bear that Mark!”  
“You have to do what’s right for HIM right now, and in the end, you’ll see it was the right thing for you both.” Mark encouraged with a more gentle voice.  
“But…”  
“Please, Rob – you have to!”  
“I can’t….”  
“You can, do the right thing – let it be your choice”  
“but…I….” Robbie paused, and stayed in silence for some time, unable to look at anything other than his hands, before in barely a whisper he mumbled the smallest, “Ok”.  
Mark breathed a sigh of relief. He knew the fall out was going to be awful, but secrets and lies were much worse, “Truly? You mean it?!” he asked tentatively.  
“Yes…I’ll tell him”, Robbie glumly replied, still unable to look up.  
Mark smiled sadly at the broken figure beside him, “It’s for the best, Rob”  
“We’ll see…” Robbie cynically huffed in reply.  


Robbie knew Mark had both their interests at heart, and maybe on some level Robbie even knew he did have to do the right thing and come clean, and so maybe on some level he knew Mark would convince him of that, which is why he had originally called him. But that was all a big maybe. The fact was, Mark knew now, and Robbie couldn’t take that back, so the choice he had struggled with, that he had torn his mind over for days, had now been removed. Instead, he was now on a deadline to come clean to Gary.  


After the anger and the tears, they spent the better part of the afternoon planning what Robbie was going to say, Robbie broke down in tears a fair few more times, cursing himself for his stupidity, for his recklessness. But Mark offered no further sharp words or resentment, only support and encouragement. Robbie came to realise that being honest with Gary, was the only way forward. He still racked his brains trying to think of a better argument for not coming clean, but he inevitably knew it’s what he had to do, he just wished he had Mark’s optimism about it!  


Mark eventually left at a quarter to five, after wishing Robbie luck, he reminded him he was still incredibly disappointed and pissed at him for firstly drinking, and then being a cheating dick; but that no matter what - he always had his support and friendship. Robbie was thankful for Mark; they hugged and parted, and that was that. Robbie was left at home, waiting for Gary to return. Now ready to come clean about his indiscretion, at long last. 

Or was he?

The longer he had to wait in the house, on his own, the more it all made him just want to curl up into a ball and weep forever. He kept pacing around, moving from room to room downstairs, going over what he was going to say, trying to find the words, the right words that might lessen it somehow, might make it all sound not really as bad as it was…or maybe he was just in denial, he contemplated to himself. Eventually, the nerves and the anguish caused him to retreat into a corner of their lounge, slipping down the wall, he fell on to the floor in a heap, feeling completely hopeless. And there he stayed.  
His head was still buried in his shaking hands when he heard the phone ringing a while later, and only just managed to drag himself up to answer it. 

Putting the phone back down a few minutes later, Rob stood still, in shock.  
He was free!  
The clinic had the results back and he was clean!  
He couldn’t hold back his smile, or the twitch that immediately came to his cock with just the mere thought of the sex ban being lifted. All thoughts of his conversation with Mark and subsequent dwelling, were momentarily shoved aside. With one weight firmly lifted from his over-packed mind, Robbie was now encapsulated in a bubble of euphoria! Was it therefore fortuitous that Gary then coincidently chose that precise moment to arrive home?  
As soon the door opened, Robbie literally lost sight of all that had transpired that day, the talks with Mark, the decision to confess, it was all gone. He had eyes only for Gary, as he watched his sex-starved boyfriend still stood in the doorway looking as gorgeous as ever. Robbie, now with his newly certified pass to sex paradise was already horny, and hardening quickly. Gary had barely passed over the threshold, when Robbie was already on him, dragging him inside, kissing his face, muttering how much he’d missed him, and how much he wanted him.  
If Gary was surprised but the sudden change of heart in Robbie, he wasn’t showing it, perhaps it was just out of sheer relief, or of not wanting to rock the boat, but he was more than happy to go along, “Someone’s suddenly in the mood!” was all he said, or managed to say before Robbie grabbed him hard, and pushed him up against the wall, pinning him, holding Gary in place, pressing up against him. Robbie was kissing him all over, and Gary couldn’t help his wide grin – he had no idea what was responsible for this transformation in Robbie’s sex drive, but he was very grateful for it.

When Robbie finally let him off the wall, merely with the intention of leading him up their stairway. Grabing Gary’s hand, both men practically flew up the steps, impatient to reach their private haven upstairs, impatient to _be_ with each other, finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Robbie pledged to Mark he would come clean, but faltered at telling Gary the truth. In the next chapter, Rob will find out the consequences of his actions when the other lads come over for dinner, and at least one of them knows things, Gary really ought to already know. 
> 
> Sorry, upon re-reading this chapter, it now feels a bit wordy and rushed, but thought I'd best update as I originally meant to update this story at the weekend. I'll do better with chapter 8! xx


	8. What Are You Waiting For?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary and Robbie are back on the same page, at least in the bedroom. But Robbie's inner demons won't stay silent forever.
> 
> Apologies for the delay, and for the smut in this chapter! ;)

# What Are You Waiting For

Once in the haven of their bedroom, things moved on incredibly quickly; clothes were ripped of each other, practically torn from their bodies, kisses were messy and urgent, as if they were devouring each other’s very essence. As their bodies were roughly rubbed up against each other, the friction created instant results; their anatomy was on fire - both men were horny and hard for each other. 

Both had wanted this since they had both returned home.

Gary was immediately rendered compromised by Robbie’s mere touches alone, and so the younger man knew who would be in control this time. He not so carefully guided Gary backwards on to the bed, playfully, if not a little too roughly pushing him on to the bed, before crawling on top of him, saddling him, pinning the smaller man beneath his strong thighs. For a moment, between the deep kisses and the pressure of Robbie’s weight, Gary had trouble catching a breath, and moaned, trying to wriggle free of the weight a little. Robbie loved to see Gary squirm and so playfully pushed him down harder, looking for Gary to submit to him. Gary was of course all for that, if only he could breathe a little, he didn’t want to spoil the moment, but he couldn’t help it, he needed Robbie to be a little less rough, “Rob! Please, I need air – I can’t breathe!” he finally yelped, conceding with his better judgement. 

Robbie taken aback, looked down at Gary’s anxious face and immediately backed off. He realised how rough he was actually being, it was just the impatience and his sexual craving getting the better of him of course, but he should’ve realised, he furiously thought to himself. Just like that, the sexual drive was rapidly leaving Robbie, and his mind began to be entangled in its own troubles once more. He started pulling away, hastily retreating from his lover. Gary could see all this in Robbie’s eyes of course, as the taller man’s frame began to annoyingly shrink away from his own. He wasn’t going to let that happen, he’d already waited as patiently as he could, but he wanted Robbie, he needed their intimacy back. Robbie was obviously fighting his own demons about something or other, Gary internally considered, and he knew if they could just _be_ together, if they could make love – he knew it would help Robbie, for sure! And so, Gary instinctively knew if he was going to get them back on track then he’d need to take the reins…

“Hey, what are you waiting for?!” Gary heavily breathed as he suddenly leant forward and grabbed Robbie back before he could retreat any further. Dragging him on top of him, kissing him hard, holding him to him; he could still feel Robbie’s reluctance and uncertainty, and so he turned the situation around and flipped Robbie on to his back, on the bed space beside him. Robbie released a sharp exhale, slightly winded by the impact (even with their soft bed), it was an opportunity Gary couldn’t miss, and he promptly climbed on to Robbie’s form, pressing their bodies together once more. Gary was a lot lighter than Robbie, and so the situation was a lot more comfortable for them both. They momentarily slowed things down a little, with lighter kissing and less rubbing, in order to just feel the closeness of the other’s body to theirs, to feel the yearning they both felt for each other.   
Gary began kissing down Robbie’s body, every inch of skin he could find. The tattooed man still had his briefs on, as did Gary; but Gary knew exactly what would really get Robbie in the mood – and so whilst still kissing and licking down Robbie’s chest, he began to brush a hand down the man’s torso, snaking a long light fingertip down the brunette’s happy trail, until he reached the tight elastic of the brief’s waist line. Slipping his hand under the light fabric, he carefully combed his fingers through Robbie’s soft public region, made easier by the tent Robbie’s erection had raised, and from there he immediately grabbed and massaged Robbie’s swollen member. At first, he worked on Robbie gently, still sweeping over his skin, leaving soft butterfly kisses; but as soon as he could see by Robbie’s body language that his lover was very much back into ‘feeling it’, the action turned rougher, more frantic, until Robbie was drawing deep lustful groans from both pleasure, and a growing need for more.   
The hand job, had worked its magic, Robbie was desperate for more, and although the hand job was perfect, it was however insufficient for him, right now – after all they effectively hadn’t ‘been’ with each other for over two weeks; Robbie needed Gary, that was his only satisfaction, and now that Gary had got the juices going he really needed to ‘be’ with his boyfriend - right now! He loved Gary in control, but Gary liked to go sensually slow, and although Robbie loved that too, right now he was too impatient for all that. Besides he loved being in control, but more than that he loved fighting Gary, for it, in bed.

Grabbing Gary’s arse with both hands he squeezed both cheeks before he tugged roughly at the thin material still clinging to them; needing to fill the flesh beneath, he yanked at the briefs, roughly pulling them down, exposing Gary’s bare buttocks. He slapped them. Gary who had until that moment, been preoccupied with kissing Robbie’s neck while simultaneously jerking Robbie off like his life depended on it, suddenly yelped from the sharp pain. Robbie loved the yelp, and so did it again, and sure enough Gary yelped once more, but this time it ended with a needful sigh like he wanted it again. Robbie smiled, for he knew Gary was now submitting to him and so took his chance, even with Gary’s hand still wrapped around his throbbing dick, Robbie propped himself up, causing Gary to do the same. They sat there with Gary on Robbie’s lap, face to face, and they starred into each other’s eyes for a moment, the lust and intent obvious in both. Robbie pressed his lips to Gary’s and caressed them, the kiss was gentle, waiting for Gary to respond; who did almost instantaneously with a soft sigh. As well as sounding outrageously sexy as hell to Robbie’s ears, it also gave him the opportunity to slip in his tongue and cause the kiss to grow deeper. Reaching a hand around to the back of Gary’s head, he pulled his boyfriend to him, closing any remaining space between them. Seemingly bewitched by the kiss, Gary relinquished his massaging of Robbie’s genitals, as he became stunned into submission. Robbie smiled widely into the kiss, before he took his chance and flipped them both over on the bed, causing Gary to be beneath him once more, and now it was his turn to massage his lover. He finally yanked those briefs down Gary’s thighs and threw them as far away as he could. Liberating Gary’s proud hardened member, he chanced a look at Gary one last time, his eyebrows cocked mischievously - before he leant down and immediately engulfed Gary’s erection. The wetness and the warmth of the mouth engulfing Gary immediately caused him to gasp with surprise, but Robbie continued regardless; and began to suck harder and relentlessly, needing to get Gary to where he was: _‘completely desperate for it’!_

From the deep harmonic moans being produced from Gary’s lips, Robbie knew he was close, and so he stopped, and hastily wiped his mouth before shooting upwards to claim Gary’s lips once more. The lingering taste, arousing them both.   
Robbie was ready, he licked two fingers and reached down past Gary’s genitals around the back feeling for the point of penetration. He slowly pushed a finger through the tight muscle and Gary groaned as if in pain, and when Robbie went to put a second finger through to follow it, Gary swore loudly yet willed Robbie on. Robbie continued fingering Gary, as he repositioned his lover; putting Gary’s legs on his shoulders, he hoped Gary was still keeping up his yoga, the angle was going to be difficult, and awkward for both of them but Robbie needed to see Gary’s face this time, he just needed that connection today.  
Gary was perhaps uncomfortable by the placement, but seemed willing to comply, and Robbie helped by supporting his legs, and keeping them in place with his broad shoulders.   
They were ready. 

For a split second, Robbie considered a condom, just to be on the safe side but he knew it would only raise questions from Gary, they hadn’t used condoms for a long time, not since they were both checked over. Besides, his results that afternoon said he was clear so there was no need. While they still caressed each other with kisses, Robbie pushed himself up against Gary’s backside - the pressure was always so intense to begin with. As Robbie penetrated Gary and pushed past the ring of tight muscle, Gary began to swear once more, obviously in pain and discomfort. Gary’s head swirled as Robbie continued to push into him, caught up in a storm of pleasure and pain – he knew once he was used to the sensation, he knew he would want more but to begin with, it was always painful. Robbie pushed still slowly in and then pulled slowly back out, while Gary moaned and groaned - throwing his head back into the pillow, his eyes screwed shut, creasing at the corners; his face was almost in a grimace. Robbie knew he should feel bad, it was obviously causing some pain but it felt too good, and he knew it would start feeling really good for Gary too, soon enough. 

Robbie continued patiently pushing in before pulling back out, allowing Gary to get used to him, it was so hard to control, when all he really wanted to do, was pound into Gary like there was no tomorrow. Luckily, Gary was getting used to the feeling and soon started quietly pleading, clearly wanting more; and of course Robbie obliged - pushing a little harder, a little rougher, a little deeper, thrusting faster, and faster. Robbie was already feeling close to the edge, there was a pull in his stomach, dropping lower… and for a moment, he was worried he was going to come too early for Gary, when suddenly Gary audibly took in a sharp intake of air, before releasing a long, deep pleasurably moan. Robbie had hit a spot inside him, _the_ spot inside him, and Gary wanted more. With every hard jerk Robbie gave, and every thrust of his hips, Robbie watched Gary’s face below him, grow more and more desperate…for more! It made Robbie grin with delight, and he suddenly felt in complete euphoria. The angle was still very challenging but with all his might, he started pumping into Gary even harder still, determined to bring Gary to the edge with him, plus it felt so good!   
He wanted to keep doing this forever, however – all too soon his stamina started waning a little, and he was trying so hard not to come, because he wanted to see Gary come first, after that he didn’t care if he collapsed from exhaustion, as long as he got to see Gary’s face, while in orgasm.   
Feeling the sudden urgency of the situation, he grabbed Gary’s cock roughly, frantically rubbing it up and down in time with his thrusts; causing Gary to immediately whimper, he curled his toes, and arched his back, “God Rob – I can’t...I can’t...” he desperately moaned through gritted teeth.   
“It’s ok Gaz, just come, come for me, let go!” but even as he said those words, Robbie felt his own limit breached; with one more thrust his body gave a jolt, and his orgasm hit him hard. With a deep moan, he released his load deep inside Gary. Gary moaned feeling the new warm sensation, and instantly began to shiver under Robbie’s body. Still under the throes of his own orgasm, Robbie continued thrusting his hand up and down Gary’s cock, “come for me baby, come!” he encouraged, but Gary was resisting. Robbie was spent, he was exhausted but there was no way he was going to finish until Gary did, he pulled out of Gary and immediately replaced his hand with his mouth and sucked hard. 

The shock and warmth of the moist mouth was enough, Gary hit his limit and came with thick spurts hitting the back of Robbie’s throat. Robbie smiled as he watched Gary be consumed by his own orgasmic ecstasy. Robbie released Gary’s already softening member and swallowed his mouthful, watching his lover struggle to recover - Gary was glistening with sweat, while his hair, totally dishevelled, had strands sticking out at strange angles; he was completely wreaked. And it was all Robbie’s work. Robbie couldn’t help his grin, even as exhausted as he was.

While Gary was still recovering from the act of love, Robbie crawled up his body and landed a massive kiss on older man’s forehead, before crashing beside him on the bed. Gary was still catching his breath, as he turned on his side to meet Robbie’s beaming gaze, “that was amazing Rob! God that was amazing!”  
Robbie was resting with his hands behind his head staring up at the ceiling. He smiled in response but stayed quiet, thoughtful – briefly reliving the blissful moment they’d just shared, before Gary’s soft shivers beside him, caused him to retrieve the duvet from off the floor and drape it over their naked bodies.   
“Goodnight Gorgeous!” Robbie mumbled affectionately into Gary’s hair, as Gary himself, snuggled deep into Robbie’s chest, a tattooed arm draped around him, keeping him safe.

****************************************************************************************

 

“What happened last night?” Gary casually asked Robbie the next day. It had gone midday, and they were still in bed together. To be more precise they’d had morning sex, taken a shower together then returned to their bed to make love again. Robbie was completely knackered, and was dozily drifting in and out of sleep, “Huh?” he replied through a yawn, before adding, “err…we had awesome sex, Gaz!”  
Gary was sitting up in bed watching the TV quietly, “I know that Rob, I mean last night, BEFORE we got down to business, there was a moment where you seemed to change your mind and retreat from me…”  
Robbie stayed quiet for a time, remembering that particular moment last night, “I dunno babe, but I wasn’t retreating, I just…I mean, I could’ve hurt you…I was worried about really injuring you, for real” he mumbled quietly, not really committed to or even comfortable, thinking about it, or recalling his thoughts at that point.   
“You weren’t going to hurt me, it was just a little stifling s’all, I didn’t mean for you to stop, babe!”  
“You couldn’t breathe Gaz, I saw your face – it was like you thought I was going to hurt you!” Robbie was admittedly sharing more than he would’ve liked, the truth was in that moment, his inner demons came back and he had remembered what he was supposed to do that evening, what he now realised he hadn’t, and couldn’t ever.  
“Nonsense, I just was overwhelmed, but I know you wouldn’t hurt me – I completely trust you!” Gary reasoned, while Robbie inwardly winced at those last words, “Besides…” Gary continued, “we’re always doing stuff like that – what with us both being muscly and horny!” he winked, trying to lighten the evident tension that had quickly filled the room.  
“Whatever…” Robbie simply breathed dejectedly.  
“No, Rob – not whatever! So, we get a bit too rough with each other sometimes, we’re grown men, we forget our weight-”  
“yeah, and I weigh a lot more than you!”  
“Hardly!” Gary guffawed, “Besides, Rob – I don’t worry about that, so please don’t either, you’re gorgeous and I love when you sit on my face!” he winked.  
Robbie couldn’t help but smile, he loved when Gary was dirty, “You filthy sod” he chuckled and threw a pillow at his boyfriend. 

 

*************************************************************************

 

“Babe – did you hear me?” Gary called up the stairs.   
Robbie was too busy clumsily stepping over one of the dogs trying to get out of the bathroom to hear what Gary was going on about. He grabbed a dressing gown and made his way downstairs. They’d had the most amazing couple of days since Robbie received his all clear, they were finally back in synch (in the bedroom department), they spent their afternoons with just each other, and he’d pushed the whole Prague thing to the far back of his mind, determined that it would stay there. Of course, there was the small issue of Mark knowing, but he would talk him round at some point, he was sure Mark would see sense, if he just explained it was better staying a secret. However, he’d forgotten one small detail…

“Ah, there you are!” Gary said brightly, as Robbie entered the kitchen, with their dogs in tow.   
Robbie grinned widely, obviously proud of himself for staying in bed till 11am.   
Gary shook his head but smiled, “nice of you to join me, did you hear what I said?” he asked.  
Robbie looked at him confusedly, “What?”  
Gary rolled his eyes, “I’ll take that as a no, then” he mumbled as he picked up his wallet, phone and car keys off the side, “I was asking if you could remember if Jason liked almond milk, or not?”   
“I…wha...how…what are you even talking about?! Why would even need to know that?” Robbie asked, even more confused.  
“Well, I just thought, I best get a large milk for tonight unless you think he’d share the almond milk with me - I’m sure he did last time”. Gary took a piece of scrap paper out of his back jeans pocket, as he finished, and scribbled something on it before stuffing it back in, followed by his wallet and phone.   
“I still have no clue what you’re talking about, is Jason coming over tonight?”  
“Oh my god you are so forgetful Rob, of course he is! All the boys are, we planned it ages ago?!” Gary replied rhetorically, shaking his head again. He walked past Robbie’s frozen form that was fixed with a confused stare, making his way in the direction of the front door. Robbie was more than confused, he was terrified, “you mean - all the boys? Including Mark?!”  
“Well of course, including Mark!”  
“Families too?” he tentatively asked, trying to mask his sudden nerves.  
“Eh no, Mark text me last night, he said he’d prefer it if it were just us lads for some reason, I think he wants to talk shop at some point”, Gary replied cheerfully, rubbing his hands with glee. He loved discussing anything and everything to do with making music, and especially Take That making music.   
Robbie smiled, despite feeling utterly sick inside. 

“Anyway, I’m off to buy tea for later, anything you want?” Gary asked as he opened the front door.  
‘yeah, one-way tickets to Australia for you and me, leaving today’ Robbie said in his head, while “nah”, was all he managed out loud. Swallowing hard, he smiled at his boyfriend, who waved and left. 

Robbie was in big trouble.

**************************************************************************

 

Mark hadn’t even said a proper hello to him since arriving. In fact all Mark had done since arriving at Gary and Robbie’s that evening, was shot ‘daggers’ at Robbie every time Gary’s back was turned. Mark was livid, Robbie could understand that, but he couldn’t care less if Mark was mad at him, as long as Mark didn’t tell Gary anything. Robbie waited for Gary to go out to the kitchen to continue getting the meal ready, before he rounded on Mark, or to put it more accurately, Mark rounded on him, “I can’t believe you’ve not told him! You promised me you would! You PROMISED!” the smaller man fumed. 

“Mark – I know I did, but let’s be honest Mark, it was under duress, mate. I carry the guilt with me, everyday Mark but it’s my burden to bear, there’s no need for it to cause Gary pain, I need to protect him from it, can’t you understand Markie?”  
“What I understand is, you are an unbelievable ‘cheating’ coward! I mean, honestly - ‘protect him’?! You just want to protect yourself more like!” Mark vehemently spat in Robbie’s direction, poking an accusatory thin finger at his chest.   
“Mark! – keep your voice down, and please, PLEASE don’t say anything, please don’t do this, I beg you!”  
Mark shook his head in disgust, but before he could even open his mouth to reply, Gary walked back in with a tray of appetisers. The two men went instantly silent, causing Gary to ask if he’d missed something. Robbie quickly said it was nothing, and then the doorbell went, so Robbie took the tray to allow Gary to go answer the door. Robbie offered Mark an appetiser, but Mark simply scowled at him. 

If Robbie naïvely thought Mark was his only problem that evening, he couldn’t be more wrong. Gary answered the door to Howard, and when Robbie came face to face with the oldest band member, it only took all of 10 seconds before he realised Howard knew too. Mark had told him, of course, he had told him. Howard said an incredibly curt hello to Robbie, that Gary - bless him, was thankfully too happily oblivious to notice. When Gary went back out to the kitchen, Robbie immediately followed him, asking what he could do to help, Gary of course said it was all in hand, but Robbie wouldn’t take no, for an answer; for starters he didn’t want to be left in the lounge with both Mark and Howard to have a go at him, and secondly, he wanted to stay as close to Gary tonight as possible, to ensure no one else had a chance to tell him anything. He was making the gravy lumpy when Gary finally had had enough of him getting under his feet (typical chef!), and sent him back out with the wine and soft drinks. 

Dragging his feet as he approached their lavish lounge, he was surprised to hear a new voice as he entered, and turned to see Jason greet him with a big grin, “Alrigh’ Robbie!” Jason said brightly. Robbie smiled, ignoring the glares from the other two and greeted the only one that was smiling at him, ‘at least it seems they haven’t told Jason yet’, he desperately thought to himself. Robbie started about pouring glasses of wine for them all (except him and Mark, of course), as Gary came in (with a tea towel draped over his shoulder) and joined them for a toast, “Right lads, so glad you’ve all made it, we’ve been looking forward to this, ain’t we Rob!” Gary happily declared nudging his boyfriend in the arm, Robbie simply nodded and did the best he could to plaster a fake smile on his face. Jason echoed Gary’s sentiment and said it was lovely to be back with the boys. As per customary, they all then put their hands in the centre, together, and chanted “Taaaaaake That!” – Gary had the biggest smile; being ever the fatherly figure in the band, it’s leader – there was nothing he loved more than having all the boys back together. While the dinner continued cooking, they all sat around chatting, catching up, enjoying each other’s company…well for the most part. There was so much tension in the room, Robbie just wanted to get out of there, he couldn’t believe he could feel so uncomfortable in his own home, that he could be _made_ to feel so uncomfortable, by his own friends, his ‘brothers’. He understood it, of course he did, but they had to understand, he would do anything to protect his and Gary’s relationship first, and foremost. 

Robbie was too preoccupied with his inward troubles and his grumbling stomach, that he didn’t even notice that Gary and Jason had both disappeared from the lounge. He frantically darted his eyes around the room, looking for his boyfriend, not wanting to be left alone with-  
“He’s in the kitchen, showing Jason some rice-cooking thing” Howard said dryly, guessing who Robbie was searching for.  
“Oh ok”  
‘shit’ Robbie thought, it was definitely not ok, not by the ‘daggers’ both Mark and Howard were currently giving from across the room. For a moment, there was only silence in the room – a cutting, incredibly uncomfortable silence sliced between them. Robbie swallowed hard, his throat was dry and rough. He was actually now seriously contemplating just running for it! 

“Robbie – we need to talk to you”, Mark said levelly, albeit with unsmiling eyes.  
“Not now, Mark alrigh’ mate. I know what you’re gonna say ok, but not now! Tonight’s not the time!” Robbie hissed, trying to keep his voice down.  
“Then when will be the time, I wonder?!” Howard seethed, he was not hiding his feelings at all, he wasn’t even trying. His face and stance said it all - he was fuming, and Robbie couldn’t blame him. He’d disappointed Howard, he’d disappointed everyone, but maybe he could still get them to understand his point of view, or so he thought.  
“Look – can we at least go outside, I don’t want Gaz overhearing something” Robbie pleaded, helplessly.   
“wow, yeah – god forbid he’d hear about how his ‘boyfriend’ fucked-”  
“OK” Mark quickly interrupted placing a calming hand on Howard’s shoulder, “Dougie…Rob’s right, here’s not the place, it’s not fair to G”.  
Robbie breathed a sigh of relief. Thank god for Mark.  
“Let’s go outside a moment” Mark suggested sensibly.  
‘oh crap’ Robbie thought.

Robbie very reluctantly followed Mark and Howard out the French doors, into the fresh night air. The hairs on the back of his neck instantly tingled, but he really couldn’t tell whether the cause was the cool evening breeze, or the fear of what was coming. He knew they were angry with him, he was angry with himself, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t anything to do with them, well, as far as Robbie was concerned; Gary and his relationship, was just that – THEIR relationship, and Robbie was doing all he could to keep it that way, which was all they needed to know, as far as he was concerned.

After walking to their elegant veranda at the bottom corner of the garden in complete silence, Robbie was confident they were at a safe distance away from the house, and shrouded in enough darkness, for them to talk without Gary seeing them. He was just about to voice these thoughts, when Howard suddenly grabbed Robbie’s shoulder, halting Robbie’s progress, “Rob! What the fuck!” Howard raged. Robbie was shocked by Howard’s aggressive tone, even if he had kind of expected it. He chanced a look past Howard’s towering form to see Mark’s shrinking one retreating behind, “Mark – I can’t believe you told him! I trusted you!” Robbie chided. But Mark just retreated further behind Howard, allowing the taller member of the party to respond, “Trust?! Like you’re one to talk! Besides, don’t blame Mark – how could you land something like that at his door and expect him to burden it like that, anyway?!” Howard demanded, his red face in full fury mode. Robbie had nothing to say to that, because he honestly wished he hadn’t said anything to Mark, at all.  
“I didn’t mean to burden you, Mark-“  
“Forget burdening me Rob, why haven’t you told him? You promised you would! So what are you waiting for?!” Mark interjected.  
“The situation changed, I will tell him, but now’s not the time, Mark”.  
Howard shook his head, “Are you kidding me Rob?!” he barked, “I can’t believe you’d be so selfish! You cheat on your boyfriend then act like he doesn’t deserve the truth! I knew you weren’t as serious about this, as Gary!”  
“Howard-”  
“No Mark, we’ve all said it before – Gary’s the one that’s always been talking about Marriage and the future, but you, well, now it’s obvious why, you still want to fuck around!”  
“I DO NOT!”  
“yeah, right! I don’t believe a word you say!”  
“I LOVE THAT MAN MORE THAN LIFE!! CHRIST, HE IS MY LIFE!!!”  
“Rob, he called me, he called me because he so worried you wanted to end it with him, worried you were bored with him – and then you do this – this is going to destroy him!”  
“Exactly – which is why I can’t tell him, not yet!”  
“You don’t have a choice, he has a right to know – if you don’t tell him I will!”  
“What?!??! But-”  
“I’m serious Rob, I’m not having these secrets and lies in the band, you’ll have to the deal with the consequences where you’re relationship is concerned, that’s all there is too it!” Howard finished, uncompromisingly.

“You can’t!”  
“I will, Rob-”  
“Um Howard…” Mark suddenly interrupted, strangely sheepishly.  
“No, Mark – someone has to make him see-”  
“No, Howard stop!”  
“What, Mark?”

Mark was pointing to something behind them….or more accurately - someone, standing a little away in the darkness. Someone, who unbeknown to them, had come out to find them to tell them dinner was ready, someone who had heard an argument and had walked up behind them before hearing their conversation, before Mark had turned and glanced around to finally discover his presence. 

All Robbie saw was a pair of shining eyes starring at him, shrouded in a mix of confusion, shock, anger…and hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the massive delay, I was away a lot longer than anticipated, and the internet connection was useless. I am committed to writing this story, and it will be updated regularly. In the next chapter, there is a very uncomfortable dinner, with ‘bandmates’.


	9. Is It True?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who heard Mark and Howard's confrontation with Robbie, and did they hear their whole conversation? A very awkward and uncomfortable dinner follows.

## Chapter 9: Is it True?

Robbie was frozen, in absolute silence; stunned eyes starred fixedly out at the figure before him. The man’s face was still shrouded in darkness due to the bright lights from the house, behind him; yet Robbie knew his silhouette, they all did.  
Mark and Howard were seemingly still in shock too, probably not knowing exactly what to do or say, none of them knowing what the other man had heard.  
That, however, they would very soon learn.

“Is it true?!” the figure angrily hissed, as he walked closer to them, until finally revealing his face, which wasn’t good news for Robbie, because now he could see the shock and anger so much clearly, but more than that – he could see the disappointment.

“I…what do you mean, mate?” Robbie feebly offered trying to keep it casual, yet his voice sounded somewhat strained with his mouth so suddenly dry.  
“You know EXACTLY what I mean, Rob! I heard you, I heard you all, AND everything you said!” He furiously snapped, “IS IT TRUE?!” 

Robbie looked at both Mark’s and Howard’s ashen faces, they were offering no help, and he expected none anyway. He could feel his heart pumping hard in his chest. He swallowed dryly, taking a deep breath before sighing sadly, “Ok Jay – yes, it’s true”. As Robbie admitted his infidelity to Jason, and explained the circumstances in which it happened, he watched closely as the slender man's face flashed with new anger and disappointment, but worst still, a sense Jason was actually unsurprised.  
“…Bu- but if you think for one minute that I don’t feel disgusted with myself, you're wrong…I know, ok, I KNOW how bad this is, but I am going to fix it, because I can’t lose him over this! So I promise you, whatever you think of me right now, I can guarantee I think ten times worse of meself!” Robbie honestly spoke. He felt he was between a rock and a hard place, and yet knew it could only get worse. His bandmates may hate him right now, but he couldn’t care much about that, when he first and foremost needed to do his best to protect Gary from hurt, “look, guys – I know I need to tell him, but I can’t just right now, we’re just getting back on track, I just need a bit more time ok, so can we agree on that, please, I beg you!” he pleaded with his friends, but was only met with cold hard stares, and a silent response.  
After the deafening silence Jason at last spoke, “I came out here to tell you, Gary says dinner’s nearly ready. I reckon he’ll find it righ’ odd if he finds us all out here like this”, he said curtly, before he turned around and walked back towards the house without another word. Robbie could only sigh as he, Mark and Howard silently followed suit.

 

“Ah, this is great lads!” Gary brightly surveyed the lads tucking into the spread he'd put out. He took his seat to join them at the plush dining table, opposite Robbie. Gary had made a Thai green vegetable curry with jasmine rice, pad Thai, and an assortment of sides including chicken satays, pork balls, and dipping sauces. Gary was positively beaming as he watched the boys load their plates, he loved times like this. It made him really happy to have everyone back together.  
It was perhaps because he was just so incredibly happy to be back with all the lads, that he remained oblivious to the tension that had quickly developed and hung heavy in the air surrounding the other four lads, at the table. Robbie felt trapped, the tension felt like ropes binding his body, ropes the other three lads were pulling, tighter and tighter. It was taking all he had to not run for it, knowing if he did, it would only give them the opportunity to tell Gary. Robbie looked around the table, Gary was talking to Jason, which left Mark and Howard quietly talking with their heads close together, and Robbie could only simply sit there and guess what they were mumbling about. He felt isolated, like he was on the stand in a courtroom, and Howard, Mark and Jason were his judge, jury and execution. His face was hot, he couldn’t breathe, and his leg muscles started to tense, ready to spring up and bolt for it…

“Rob, babe – you’re not eating, is everything ok?!” Gary’s sweet voice floated into Robbie’s buzzing ears, and he felt his muscles relax as he caught Gary’s lovingly concerned eyes meet his. He looked into them and smiled, before he then became acutely aware that everyone at the table had stopped talking and was looking in his direction.  
It took all his strength to smile back and brush off Gary’s concerns, “Fine babe, just taking a moment is all”.  
Gary didn’t seem entirely convinced by that, probably because he knew a fake smile when he saw one, but let the matter drop, and turned his attention to all the lads, “Look lads, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about a writing schedule, and when Mark asked if we could just make tonight us lads, I thought now would be a great time to discuss diaries….so, um any suggestions?” he unassumingly asked.  
“Look, Gaz – I’m all up for getting in the studio again, but are we even sure who’s gonna be on the next record?” Howard replied bluntly, “I mean, Jay’s not sure what he wants to do” he remarked a tad flippantly, “– and that’s fine” he hastily added after receiving a death stare from Jason, “but he’s not the only one, I mean, Rob’s always got a foot, an arm and a nose outside the door, and Mark – he’s worried that–”  
“Mark’s always worried, he’s never confident about anything” Gary commented under his breath.  
“Um, I am right here Gaz!” Mark spoke up, slightly offended.  
“I didn’t mean any offence Markie, you know I love everything about you, even how crazily unassured you are of your gigantic talent, all I’m saying is, being worried about what will be – well, it’s not an issue right now, let’s just start writing and see what happens, yeah? It’ll be magic!” Gary offered assuredly, with a warm smile.  
Mark couldn’t help but smile back at that – one of many great strengths Gary possessed was to be their confidence, it felt like a giant positive bear hug that protected you from all the outside pressures, critics, and mind niggles that picked at their insecurities.  
‘If only Gary knew’, Mark thought sadly, and couldn’t help but watch Robbie’s shrunken form at the corner of his eye, retreating further into his chair. Mark was of course always worried about if they would produce good music, Gary was right there - Mark had no confidence when it came to his writing; but that wasn’t Mark's main concern right now. It was the future of the band when Gary finally found out the truth, and the more he thought about it (sat at that table eating his Thai food), the more he couldn’t help but start to agree with Robbie – maybe it was best if Gary didn’t find out. It could potentially ruin EVERYTHING.

As Mark pondered further, he knew one thing for sure - he wanted to ride the Take That train as long as he possibly could; and so with a wide smile, he hastily agreed with Gary that they should start writing straight away.  
Jason had his reservations but said he’d be willing to at least get in a studio and see what they came up with. 

“Excellent guys! This is going to be epic! We’ll make some cracking tunes, I can feel it!” Gary grinned enthusiastically, radiating confidence. Robbie however, could sense confusion directed at him by his boyfriend, as to why he hadn’t spoken up yet. His face was growing hot, pressure was once again building, Robbie could feel eyes looking at him, and not just Gary’s now. Howard hadn’t agreed to anything yet either, and Robbie knew it was because Howard was waiting for what he was going to say.  
He swallowed dryly, feeling so lost and under a spot light. He wanted to say: ‘of course Gaz, I love being part of Take That and can’t wait start writing with you guys’, but the fact was, with all three of the lads knowing his dirty secret now, he’d never felt more ostracised from his friends as he did right now. He instead felt so uncomfortable in his own home (the place he should feel the safest), and it was all down to what he had done. He couldn’t blame the other lads, they were angry and hurt, and Howard in particular, was also incredibly protective of Gary. 

Gary had looked forward to this dinner, he loved all the lads together, and now in Robbie’s eyes, they were all ruining it. The tension was excruciating, the atmosphere anything but relaxed. How Gary had not sensed it by now was a miracle, or perhaps thanks to the copious amounts of red wine he had consumed while cooking. Whatever, the reason, Robbie was thankful that so far, that Gary remained safe from it all. 

So far.

Howard, it seemed, had grown impatient of waiting for Robbie to say something and so, suddenly spoke up, “I’m always up for getting back to Take That, you know me Gaz – I live and breathe making music! It’s righ’ boring without it in my life – but don’t tell the wife that!” Howard chuckled, and Robbie felt his heart pressure lower. Howard sounded happy, he didn’t sound like he wanted to rock the boat right now neither.  
Robbie incredibly thankful, inwardly sighed.

“However…” Howard continued after a pause, his tone turning hard and serious, “I need to know that no matter what happens the band will still be able to do that – stay strong and still continue making music”.  
Gary frowned at Howard in confusion, “What do you mean Dougie?! Of course we will – why?”

Robbie felt his pulse quickening, his blood pressure rising - but he didn’t dare look at Howard, only silently pleaded with him; hoping the older man could read his mind.  
He couldn’t.  
“Look, we all say at heart, this is a 5-man band but it’s more than that, we’re brothers, and for you two, it’s of course more than that still, and so I’m worried what that means for the rest of us…” Howard asked carefully.  
Mark and Jason immediately bolted upright, sitting up straighter - staring at Howard with shock, knowing full well (like Robbie did) the meaning behind Howard’s words. This was more than could be said Gary, who perplexedly furrowed his eye brows, his face falling serious, “We’ve spoke about this Howard, when me and Rob first got together we agreed, no matter what happens ‘personally’, it will not affect the band. Not ever. I will do everything within my power to ensure that’s the case, and I know Robbie feels the same”. 

Robbie swallowed hard.

After a moment Gary continued, “not that we need to worry about that, me and Robbie are doing fine, aren’t we Rob?!” he looked to Robbie for confirmation, Gary's smile shining brightly. Robbie wanted to smile back and agree with him, and he would’ve, were it not for the three lads also looking at Robbie as if looks could kill -very much in deep contrast to the look of love Gary had.  
Robbie felt sick, he wanted to agree, but with the pressure mounting from the other three sitting there, it was all too much, for him to comprehend.  
He couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak.  
Gary sensed Robbie’s hesitation and frowned, “Robbie, are you ok?”  
Robbie’s tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth, he was beginning to sweat like he was on a stage with hundreds of lights on him. They were all staring at him.

Gary’s eyes changed, and he suddenly looked worried by the lack of reply, “Rob babe – we are ok, aren’t we?” he quietly asked, his voice growing more unassured by the minute. Still Robbie said nothing. He couldn’t, he’d lost all capacity to communicate, but Gary didn't know that and was growing more impatient, he needed reassurance which Robbie wasn't giving him, “Robbie - say something! I thought we were ok?! I thought you’d forgiven me over the work situation, I don’t understand, you said we were ok–”

Robbie could feel tears forming - he had no idea what he was doing, he knew exactly what he wanted to say, to make it all better, but under the mounting pressure of the others' presence, he knew lying was not the way out of it.  
He took a steadying breath, willing his mouth to work…it wouldn’t.

“Christ – Rob, just tell him!” Came a sudden and unexpected outburst from Howard.  
Robbie looked at him in shock.  
Those words changed everything, instantly....

Gary instantly looked between the men; his lover and his ‘brother’, his eyes went wide with hurt and shock as he realised there was very much ‘something’ to be known, “ _tell me_ what?!” he tried to calmly ask, fearing the answer.  
Robbie shook his head. 

After firstly glaring at Howard for his outburst, Mark offered supportive encouragement, “You have to tell him now Rob, it isn’t fair”.  
Gary darted his eyes between Mark and Howard, “Tell me what?! – would someone just say what it is, that you all so evidently already know?!” He growled, the fear turning to anger to mask the hurt that they had all been keeping something from him.  
He never thought they’d ever do that.

“Maybe we should go, and leave you guys to talk” Jason interrupted, his voice calm and levelled.  
“No one’s going anyway, not until I know exactly what it is you all seem to know already!” Gary yelled, causing all three men to cower from his gaze, “Rob…what are they going on about? What do they know, that you’re not telling me?!” His voice cracked, losing its anger, to be replaced with upset and uncertainty.

Robbie looked into the eyes of the man he loved, he looked at the pain he was already causing inside them. “I’m so sorry, Gaz”, his voice croaked.  
Gary felt his stomach drop. “Sorry for what, Rob” Gary breathed, afraid where this was heading.  
Robbie hesitated. None of the others were glaring at him anymore, they had retreated in their seats, likely feeling incredibly awkward, and at a loss. Yet, he ignored them, he only concentrated on one face, and he knew there was no going back, it was time for the truth.  
“I…I love you so very much, I love you more than anything - you are my life Gaz, you know that – I don’t want to lose you, I can’t lose you…” Robbie stated quietly, the tears already falling down his cheeks.  
“What are you saying, Rob?!”  
“I…I’m so sorry Gaz, I am so sorry, you have to believe me!”  
“Sorry for what Rob – what the hell have you done?”

But Robbie couldn’t continue, he couldn’t say the words...

“Robbie! What has happened?! Please just tell me, you’re all scaring me!” Gary yelled, his emotions out of control, “Please – I need you to be honest with me!”, he urged the hunched-over form sitting opposite him, grabbing his hands to prevent Robbie retreating further away from him.  
“I…I…” Robbie couldn’t say it, he couldn’t.  
“Robbie, baby just tell me – whatever it is, we’ll work through it I promise! Just tell me what you’ve done…or what I’ve done wrong, please!” Gary begged, desperate to understand what was causing Robbie’s torment...

Robbie couldn’t stand it anymore, and instantly retracted himself from Gary’s grasp, twisting his own shaking hands in his lap, tears flowing freely down his face.  
He cast his eyes downwards not daring to look Gary in the eyes, he couldn’t.  
The other lads were of course still there but Robbie didn’t pay them any attention. All he could feel was his own heart beating furiously against his chest, to be matched only with the one sitting opposite him, the one he was about to break… 

“I slept with someone else”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave it there (till next week)! The next chapter will be the fall-out from Robbie’s confession.


	10. Understand Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At a table with his bandmates, and his boyfriend, Robbie has nowhere to run. The truth is out.   
> What will Gary's reaction be?

## Understand Me

_“I slept with someone else”._

As the words echoed around the room, and into the ears of everyone at the table, Robbie just wanted to close his eyes against the world. Having finally uttered the words he’d never wanted to ever say...to confess to Gary, to admit to himself, it felt like he was petering on the edge of dark black hole threatening to swallow his entire world up and destroy everything.   
“I don’t understand” a small voice spoke to him from across the table, and he had no choice but to look up and meet the eyes of the one he loved, and the one he had cheated on.  
Looking into Gary’s beautiful kind face, he saw only innocent confusion there and it wrenched at his heart.   
Robbie felt sick as he took a deep steadying breath before shakily he begun again, “I…I- I’m so sorry, Gaz – you have to believe me-”, he pleaded hopelessly as he watched Gary’s face change from one of incomprehension, to one of disbelief, shaking his head with a nervous smile, “No, you’re not serious” Gary simply said, not daring to belief there was any truth, “you’ve got to be joking – this is a joke righ’?”  
“Gaz-” Robbie started hopelessly…  
“No. You’re joking, you have to be!” Gary interrupted, his voice risen in pitch as a thinly veiled panic slowly begun to sink in; a panic that all he held dear to him was about to be torn violently away, “this can’t be true, it just can’t be”, he continued, “Why are you even saying this?! I don’t understand – why would you say that?!” he fiery added, almost rambling as the panic inside him grew. Robbie could tell however, it was all denial – he could already see the truth dawning in Gary’s eyes, see the hurt and heartache already emerging.   
And Robbie was only going to make it worse.  
“Because it’s true, Gaz – god I wish it wasn’t – baby you have to believe me!” Robbie beseeched, reaching out for Gary’s hands. Gary’s demeanour immediately changed, knowing Robbie was not lying, he wrenched his hands out of Robbie’s reach, pursing his wobbling lips, “How could you” he quietly demanded, but it was not a question, and Robbie knew that. Robbie hung his head in shame, cradling it in his hands. He wanted to pretend this was all a bad dream - that it wasn’t really happening, he’d wake up in a minute, wake up in Gary’s loving arms, and any memory of this would just fade like a wisp of smoke, as dreams do.

“How long’s it being going on?” Gary’s demanding voice piped up, still shaky but now quickly steadying with anger.  
Robbie took his head out of his hands to look up at Gary, and in his eyes. It was heart wrenching to see anger now mixed with the pain, but Gary's question left him confused.  
“How long’s what been going on?!” he asked Gary, perplexedly.  
“What do you think?! THE AFFAIR!! How long have you been at it behind my back?!” Gary coldly demanded.  
Robbie felt his jaw drop.   
Gary thought he was having an affair. In shock, his lips moved like a gulping fish but no words came.

Luckily for Robbie, the other lads suddenly made their presence felt, “Wooah no no!” They all practically said in unison, causing Gary’s attention to immediately switch to the others, with blinking eyes, as if he was just remembering they were still there.  
“Gaz – he’s not having an affair – he wouldn’t do that, he loves you, only you!” Mark beseeched, albeit sheepishly, faltering under Gary’s piercing stare.  
Howard cleared his throat, his eyes sad but determined, “Mark’s right Gaz, it was just a one-time thing, a lapse in judgement – a mega lapse in judgement!” Howard reasoned while giving Robbie a very pointedly evil glare.  
Gary however didn’t seem to notice the glare or care, he was too busy processing new information, “Wait,” Gary spoke his eyes not leaving the lads, “you all knew?!” he asked, the pain obvious in his voice.  
All three lads nervously swallowed in unison, their bodies physically retreating from the table, and from Gary’s rhetorical question.  
“I can’t believe it...My boyfriend’s been cheating on me, and you’ve all been covering up for him.” Gary swallowed past the hardening lump in his throat, there was only pain in his voice - he was beyond hurt, his whole world was collapsing. 

But Jason’s eyes widened at Gary’s misunderstanding, “Wait – I’ve not been covering up for anyone”, he defended, “I only found out tonight! I overheard them talking in the garden and made my feelings completely clear!” he glared at all three.  
Gary followed Jason’s pointedly stare, and rounded on Mark and Howard, “you knew, and you let me think…you let me make dinner and rattle on about future plans obliviously, like a stupid fool, you must think I’m a complete idiot! ...Christ I came to you for advice Dougie!” Gary’s voice cracked under the strain of his weighted emotions.  
“No, Gaz – I didn’t know then! Mark only just told me, when he realised Robbie hadn’t told you yet”, Howard hastily said, “and NOONE thinks you’re an idiot, we are here for you, to support you”.   
Robbie knew he should feel isolated by that but he couldn’t blame anyone for hating him right now, this was all his mess. His doing. But he didn’t care if the other’s hated his guts right now, because all he cared about was the thoughts of one man. He caught Gary’s eyes, and looked into them silently pleading, desperately, but was met with only a cold stare. It stabbed at his heart, to see Gary look at him that way.  
Silence cut through them, as if the white tablecloth was a vast no man's land that lay between them.

They stayed in uncomfortable silence for some time before Gary finally broke the silence with a very tentative, “When?”  
Robbie sighed sadly, he knew Gary would ask for details, even when he could tell Gary didn’t even really want to know (as much as Robbie didn’t want to say), or was afraid to know. But Robbie owed Gary the truth, the complete truth.  
“In Prague” Robbie quietly replied.  
“So that’s why you went? To shag around?!” Gary asked coldly.  
“Don’t Gaz”, Robbie said dejectedly, he was no match for Gary’s anger or hurt right now, he knew Gary was simply deflecting, but that hurt. “Please understand me - it was a mistake, one stupid mistake! I didn’t want to shag around, I don't, and never will - I only want you Gary!”  
Gary looked at him sceptically, failing to understand anything coming out of Robbie's mouth in that moment, “...Except it Prague” Gary remarked sarcastically.  
Robbie would bitterly laugh at how much HIS own habit to go on the sarcastic defensive was now seemingly rubbing off on Gary, if it weren’t so sad.  
“I went down to the bar and got completely drunk, I couldn’t tell you anything else, I didn’t even know his name, it was a stupid fucking mistake and I absolutely hate myself for it, I am repulsed by the whole thing, you have to believe me!”  
Gary narrowed his eyes and suddenly something changed in his face, until his expression became unreadable, “It was a man? You slept with another man?” he asked simply, his tone indecipherable.  
The question confused Robbie, not knowing why it mattered, or surprised Gary. He could only nod, “A bloke at the bar”.  
It was strange but it seemed to Robbie, that Gary looked more hurt than before, he didn’t know why exactly, but the knowledge that Robbie had cheated on him with a man, had somehow made it much worse. 

To Gary, it really did.

Gary had thought it was a woman, he didn’t know why exactly, he just assumed it had to be, especially since he personally had never looked at another man in a romantic or sexual way, he assumed it’d be the same for Robbie. He thought it made it even more special for them as a couple, sexual orientation meant nothing - love was love. But now that Robbie had cheated on him, with a man no less, he suddenly didn’t feel special. He felt like a fool. He had no idea where that left them, but he feared the worst.

Gary could feel heated tears threatening to fall. He’d been trying so hard to hold back, not wanting Robbie to see his pain, but feel his anger and coldness instead, knowing that would probably hurt Robbie more, and that he unashamedly wanted to do.  
“Why were you drinking again?” Gary coolly asked, deflecting to control his emotions - swallowing hard as he worked to compartmentalise them within himself.  
Robbie was concerned by Gary’s demeanour, he couldn’t read where Gary’s head was at, and that was worrying, particularly when it came to answering that question, “I eh…I was down and just I slipped off the wagon”.  
“So you’re blaming the drink?”  
“No, Gaz – I take full responsibility but I was compromised emotionally and intoxicated, we’d had a fight over the phone, I was distraught and alone, and I stupidly turned to drink.”  
“So it was because we’d argued on the phone?! You got drunk and cheated on me, throwing all we had away over that?” Gary’s voice shakily rose, his eyes glistening with tears, but still fighting to hold them back.  
“NO! Gaz, it was just the circumstance, not the argument – you know how much I hate being alone”  
“I didn’t realise it was acceptable in our relationship, to go fuck someone else out of loneliness.”  
“No, Gaz – you’ve got it wrong. I just meant with you working so much-“  
“How did I guess you were going to turn this around on me” Gary interrupted with a blunt tone.   
“I’m not, Gaz – please this is all coming out wrong-” Robbie implored  
“Well, the fact it’s coming out at all, wasn’t in the plan, was it Rob – honestly?”  
Tears were already freely running down Robbie’s face, as he pitifully shook his head. His chest was heaving with the emotion, “I just….I just didn’t want THIS to happen, I didn’t want you to be hurt my actions, I didn’t want this…”  
Gary’s face turned away from Robbie’s tearful one, "I came home because of that phone call, I came home early, to be here for you", Gary breathed, his voice slow and unsteady. "I tried so hard to make it up to you, I was so worried you didn't want me...and the truth is you didn't, and it confused me why you didn't want to be with me - I still don't understand..." his voice cracked but his face was still turned away - he wasn’t going to let Robbie see him wipe his own fallen tears away.  
"I was ashamed Gaz - I wasn't good enough for you" Robbie quietly sobbed.  
Into silence they both fell again.

After a moment, Howard awkwardly cleared his throat, breaking the temporary silent standoff, and carefully suggested he, Mark and Jason should leave and give them some space. Robbie faintly nodded but Gary disagreed.  
“No Howard, you stay – I really can’t bare all this food going to waste on top of everything tonight”, Gary dryly replied.   
“Gaz, you both need some time, it’s understandable-“  
“NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLE!” Gary erupted at Howard’s words, and the older man suitably shrunk away from Gary’s fury, but it didn't last...  
“I don’t understand any of it – we were happy, I thought we were happy…” Gary continued, his anger diminishing as quickly as it appeared. He looked at Robbie again, and let a single tear run down his face.   
“You know, so many people told me you’d so this, but I never actually thought you would, Rob. Not once”. Gary spoke slowly, his voice quiet and croaky, as he fought hard to push back the inflating emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. He breathed slowly, trying to steady himself but each intake of breath only caused more painful agony to erupt within him. It felt as if something was crushing his chest… 

“You’ve broken my heart” Gary’s voice finally broke. He hitched a breath, and finally the walls inside him began to breakdown. He could feel the threatening wave of emotion, breaking through, and he couldn’t take it any longer. “I can’t…I can’t be here – I need to...I need to leave” Gary suddenly stood up from the table, knocking the chair behind him on to the floor. In an attempt to remain dignified and strong, he leaped out of the room.   
It left Robbie behind in as much agony, together with the others that were still in shock, and a beautiful table of abandoned uneaten food left to turn cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will happen next, will Gary forgive Robbie? Will he even talk to him? Sorry for the sadness and worse to come, hope you're still enjoying it though! ;) feel free to comment below! xx


	11. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the far from relaxed band dinner, what will become of Gary & Robbie?

## Chapter 11: Home

Howard knocked on Gary’s door. There was no answer.  
“Gaz mate,” he softly spoke through the door, not really knowing what to say. This was why he was a bloke – he didn’t know how to talk about ‘relationship stuff’…  
“I’m sorry for what I was saying about the band earlier”, he feebly started, “I feel like I started this all mate”.  


Still no answer.  
“But you have to believe me, THIS is the last thing I wanted, I never wanted to upset you, I just felt like he owed you the truth”, Howard finished, his ear pressing up against the door, straining to hear movement from within the bedroom on the other side.  
Then suddenly there was a shuffle and a click. With Howard’s weight still on the door, it was all too quick for him to react and he fell into the room as soon as Gary opened the door. 

Gary looked down at him with red rimmed eyes, and made no reaction to Howard’s falling form clambering into the room. He sighed and returned to slump back on to the bed.  
Howard picked himself back up and walked over to the bed. Perching on the edge, he surveyed his dear friend; heartbroken, crushed and completely devastated. He was flopped on the bed, his face pushed into the soft crushed silk of their duvet.  
Howard looking on with pity for his mate, sighed, “Oh Gaz, I really am so sorry”.  
Gary still quietly sobbing, managed to reply between hitched breaths, “Don’t be Doug, I…I’m thankful at least YOU were honest with me…”  
They were quiet for some time after that. Howard did not quite know what to do, except knowing not to leave his mate on his own. Gary’s breathing began to soon calm but fell into deep long sighs instead.  
“I was telling the truth earlier”, Gary unexpectedly began suddenly, “– the band will be fine, no matter what. You have my word on that”.  
Howard shook his head remembering his earlier words around the table, and suddenly felt a bit of an arse. “It’s fine, you don’t have to worry about that now” he offered.  
Gary moved his head to look at Dougie with strength in his pained eyes, “But I do. It’s my responsibility, and all your livelihoods at sake, so I do have to worry about it, and I mean it – whatever happens next, the band will be fine, I promise”, he spoke with calm authority.  
Howard looked into his eyes sympathetically, but he knew Gary incredibly well, and knew to take Gary at his words, and so simply nodded in reply.  
Gary’s eyes then softened, and with Howard seemingly satisfied by his word - his mind turned back to his heartache and the hundreds of unwanted thoughts now surfacing…  
“Oh Dougie, what if he never wanted this at all” He sadly supposed.  
“Are you kiddin’ me Gaz?! You know that’s not true”.  
“Why not? Maybe all _this_ was just his way of getting out of it…” Gary spoke glumly.  
“No Gaz, come on, you know Rob – he just has this stupid self-detonate button! It’s so typical of him to sabotage the best thing that’s ever happened to him…”  
“I wouldn’t be so sure –”  
“Gaz - he knows he’s been a complete utter twat, but he LOVES you Gaz, he loves you like crazy! You can’t doubt him on that”.  
Gary shuffled on the bed until he was sitting up, his back slumped against the sleek leather cushion headboard. “No, he loves the idea of it all”, he pondered, “Just not the reality – this could be his subconscious way of finding an exit door out of this relationship….”  
Howard sat up higher on the bed too, kicking his shoes off as he moved to sit next to his friend, winding a comforting arm around him, “Oh Gaz”, he sighed, “What are you going to do?”  
“I don’t know, Doug…I don’t know.”

**************************************************************************************************

 

“I should be up there, not Howard”.  
“No Rob, its best you give him some space, besides Howard’s good with this stuff” Mark told him.  
They were both still at the table. The food still sat untouched, but they were alone. Jason had left soon after Gary had bolted from the room, but not before he had told them both quite honestly, how completely angry he was at both of them, Robbie for cheating and lying about it, and Mark for keeping it a secret, “We said no more fucking secrets!” He’d growled at the pair before he grabbed his coat and left the house.  
That was all over 10 minutes ago, and Robbie couldn’t care about Jason’s anger right now. He was consumed with guilt and hurt, and the only person he wanted to make it all better, he couldn’t have right now. Instead Howard was up there filling Gary’s head with god knows what, or so he thought.  
Robbie lifted his eyes and looked at Mark with some disdain at his last remark, “Are you serious Mark?! He’s awful at _this_ stuff! Christ, he started all this with what he said at dinner!” He commented unfairly.  
“That’s not fair Rob – he was just trying to be honest, someone had to – you can’t blame him for-”  
“I DON’T BLAME HIM!!” Robbie suddenly flared, his eyes glowering, “Mark – I’m the one to blame, I FUCKING KNOW THAT!! But you heard him at dinner, all he cares about is the fucking band! When this is my life Mark – my whole fucking life at stake! He shouldn’t be up there, I should…I need to talk to him!”  
Mark was slightly taken aback by Robbie’s outburst but looked at his desperate friend with pity and understanding. Yet he didn’t trust himself to reply rand so decided to simply offer his friend comfort instead. He left his chair and put a caring arm around his hurting mate.  
“Oh Mark, what a complete fucking mess, I’m such a fucking idiot…” he sobbed uncontrollably, falling into Mark’s arms, his head resting under the smaller man’s chin.  
Mark quietly cradled him, not knowing what to say, except knowing Gary needed time, and Robbie talking to Gary in this state was only going to make things worse.  
“Give him time, Rob – just give him time”, he soothed. 

**********************************************************************************************

 

“What are you doing?!” Howard asked alarmed as he watched Gary darting around the room with intent, harshly yanking open drawers and cupboards, grabbing handfuls of clothes before roughly stuffing them into a holdall.  
“What does it look like - I’m packing! There’s no way I can stay here tonight”, Gary replied.  
“But where are you gonna go?”  
“I dunno, a hotel I guess.”  
“No way, you’re coming back with me” Howard said determinedly.  
“No Doug, that’s sweet of you but I’m not imposing.”  
“Gaz, you won’t be – I’m not leaving you on your own in a hotel room, so either you come home with me or book a room for two! Besides the wife’s away anyway so there’s plenty of room.”  
Gary still looked unsure.  
Howard ignored him, “Come on mate, give us that bag.”  
Gary nodded, dejectedly, and relinquished his bag to Howard.

***********************************************************************************************

 

“Right, you go and get yourself in the car, I’ll let them know what’s going on” Howard softly ordered, handing Gary the car keys.  
Gary looked at him as if he wanted to say something but not quite, luckily Howard knew already, “It’s ok Gaz, I’ll just tell him you need time”, he said as he opened the door to guide the emotionally exhausted man out towards the car. When he was sure Gary was in the car he walked back up the hall towards the kitchen door that was still jar, hearing muffled voices from within. He sighed and pushed the door wide open, two heads immediately turned in surprise to face him, one concerned, one distressed.  
“Rob, em….I’ve got Gaz in the car, he’s coming back to mine for the night”. He spoke plainly, not wanting to evoke any meaning into his words. Not that it mattered because Robbie was immediately provoked to spring up out of his chair and dart past Howard in the direction of the door. Luckily both Howard and Mark had the reflexes and foresight to block him, “NO Rob – just give him space, he just needs some time to process ok!” Howard stressed, blocking Robbie’s path.  
“No, he can’t leave – we’ll sort this out, alone by ourselves – I don’t want you talking to him no more!” Robbie whined against the arms holding him, preventing his pursuit. If Howard was annoyed by Robbie’s words, he didn’t show it, “Rob, I have no interest in poisoning him against you, no matter what you may think, I don’t want you two to break up over this, which is why I’m saying you need to give him some time, and space to process this properly, otherwise it might go the way you don’t want it to, so just give him tonight, alrigh'?!” Howard reasoned, and when Robbie curtly nodded, he said a quick goodbye and left. 

As soon as he heard the front door close, Robbie broke down in fresh tears, Gary was gone. Mark tried to comfort him but Robbie shook him off. What he needed was Gary, he need to see Gary, to speak to him, but Mark was not going to let Robbie pursue Gary to Howard’s house, “You heard Dougie, Gaz NEEDS time Rob, you owe him that”. Robbie held his face in his hands, gently massaging his temples, taking long steadying deep breathes. He needed to think straight. This was all getting out of control, he just needed to talk to Gary and make him see, it would all be ok, HE could make it ok. They could get over this, he knew they could, but not if Gary ran away from it. He needed to straighten it all out tonight, before one night of ‘needing space’, turned into two nights, three, a week, a month, or forever. He visibly shuddered at that last thought, but after failing to convince Mark of the logic behind his intention to go over to Howards; he had no option, or did he..?  
“Maybe you should think about trying to get some sleep Rob, you look completely drained”, Mark carefully suggested, as he cleared the table of food - making sure to carefully wrap up the uneaten food into microwavable portions, for later.  
“I’m fine Mark, honestly”. Then a thought suddenly came to Rob, “Although, I guess I could do with a cuppa”, Robbie said, trying to keep his voice even so Mark didn’t suspect what he was actually thinking of doing.  
“Good idea – I’ll put a brew on while I finish clearing up here, why don’t you go and sit in the lounge” Mark smiled at him. Robbie simply nodded and promptly left the kitchen gently closing the kitchen door as he went. But he didn’t go into the lounge, instead he went to the front door, swiftly picking up his keys and a jacket. Softly opening the door, he checked the kitchen door was still closed and stepped out into the night, ever so quietly replacing the latch on the front door behind him. It was a good thirty minute walk to Howard’s from their house, but he didn’t care, he needed to talk to Gary THAT night. 

Meanwhile, Mark had just finished brewing two mugs of hot tea when something had suddenly dawned on him. He tentatively called out to Robbie asking him if he wanted milk and sugar (when he knew exactly how Robbie took his tea), but after receiving no reply he put the mugs down and dashed into the lounge. It was empty. He quickly checked the rest of the house, calling out Robbie’s name before grabbing his own jacket and following Robbie out into the cool night air.

Robbie was already half way up their long North London road when Mark luckily spotted him. Crawling the car up beside him in the dark of night, he let the electric passenger window roll down, and called out for Robbie to stop. Robbie of course did anything but, “Go home Mark, you’re not changing my mind – I need to talk to him, I’m not going back!” He said matter-of-factly.  
Mark rolled his eyes at his stubborn friend, “I know that Rob – I get it, ok. But Just get in, would you - I’ll take you there myself, ok?” He pleaded.  
Robbie stopped and looked sceptically at Mark, “You promise?”  
“Cross my heart, now just get in the bloody car!” he ordered with a caring smile. Convinced, Robbie opened the passenger car and got in. Mark pulled away from the kerb and set off in the direction of Howard’s, gently sighing as he worried what kind of reception they’d likely receive when they finally showed up.

**********************************************************************************

 

It had taken a lot of convincing but Howard had finally got an emotionally drained Gary off to bed. Listening intently at the door of the spare room, he could hear no sound from the other side. He wasn’t sure if Gary was asleep but at least there was no more sobbing, for now, at least.  
As he quietly stepped away from the door and softly padded down the stairs avoiding the creaking ones, he sighed, ‘what a bloody mess’ he thought, ‘maybe Rob had the best idea all along – no, Gary deserves more than lies - but fuck, what a mess...’. His head was still arguing with itself when he reached the bottom of the stairs, just in time to see car lights shine through the frosted glass in the front door. Frowning with confusion, he opened the door to find Robbie already jumping out of the newly parked car.  
“I know what you’re going to say Howard, but I NEED to speak to him!”  
“Keep your voice down, for fucks sake – he’s just upstairs!” Howard quietly growled under his breath.  
“I’m not leaving Doug”  
“I can see that Rob!” Howard frowned then turned his angry eyes to Mark who had finally caught up, “Sorry Howard, I tried to tell him!” Mark whimpered.  
“Don’t blame Mark – I made him drive me here!”  
“I get it, look just get inside – both of you!” Howard snapped, holding the door open to admit his two friends through.  
Inside the front room, Robbie and Howard stand there simply staring at each other in silence. Mark, sensing the tension, decided to make himself busy and offered to go make them some more tea. Neither answered him, so off he went, giving Robbie an encouraging look as he left.  
“Dougie – I know I’ve no right to ask this, but I just can’t let him walk out of my life over this! And I know if I leave him time to think that’s exactly what his brain is going to convince him to do. We just need to talk this through, please – it can’t wait even a single night!” Robbie pleaded.  
Howard’s hardened look softened, and he exhaled loudly as he flopped down on one of the sofas, “I get it, Rob – it’s ok.”  
Robbie was confused, it was not the response he had anticipated from the band’s oldest member. He slowly sat down on an armchair opposite Howard, “But I thought –”  
“I know Rob, and I’m still angry at you but I’ve been thinking about my own actions at dinner and I was it way out of line”, Howard recalled pensively.  
The confusion on Robbie’s face only grew, “No mate, I get it – you were right to call me out, I was a stupid prick for thinking I could just keep lying to him”, Robbie reasoned.  
“Yeah, but I had no right to out you over it, the way I did – ruining dinner and everything. I’m sorry mate”. Howard told him honestly.  
Robbie merely nodded and offered a soft smile, despite it all.  
“But”, Howard continues after a short while, “I should tell you, _warn you_ , about something Gaz said to me earlier…” he said gingerly. Robbie leaned forward in worried anticipation. “Gaz was saying that maybe you did what you did because you were looking for a way out of the relationship”.  
Robbie couldn’t believe his ears. With his mouth dropped open, he starred at Howard like he was mad, “What?!?! Are you kidding me?! Why would he even think that – I don’t understand – how could he even think that?!” Robbie demanded, a mixture of disbelief and panic rising in his voice.  
“I dunno mate, he thinks you're both in different places, and that on paper you liked the idea of a relationship but in reality maybe a long term commitment isn’t what you’re after.”  
“I…what?! I don’t get how he could…” a dazed Robbie spoke before he fell silent, dropping his face in his hands and moaned. Raking his tired hands through his hair, he groaned further into his palms, “fuck!” he exhales heavily, “I’ve completely fucked this up…” his voice muffled and incredibly forlorn.  
“No, you haven’t mate - well, not entirely…it’s fixable” Howard encouraged. But Robbie simply shook his head. “No Doug, I’ve been a righ’ fool,” Robbie admits taking his face out of his hands, “and I would give anything right now to put a ring on the finger of that man upstairs. I was just always worried he’d change his mind and realise he’s too good for me, I just couldn’t bear to be without him, Doug!”  
“Mate, I know–”  
“I’d literally give anything to be married to him, and make it so he couldn’t ever leave me!” Robbie pitifully spoke, his eyes filling with fresh tears.  
“Well, I wouldn’t lead with that Rob”, Mark gingerly commented, with a light smile as he came into the room holding a tray with four mugs of fresh hot tea.  
“I’m an idiot Mark, but I’m not that much of an idiot!” Robbie lightly chided, looking at the smaller man with affection. Mark smiled back and offered Robbie the tray.  
“Here, take one up for Gaz and yourself, you know how he loves anyone that brings him a fresh cuppa!” Mark encouraged. Robbie nodded anxiously and stood up to carefully pick two mugs up from the offered tray.  
“Remember we are all there for BOTH of you,” Mark reassured Robbie with a smile, “now go on…go sort it out and get back your man!”  
Robbie offered a small nervous smile in return, and left the room, leaving Mark to share a worried look with Howard.

Ascending the stairs slowly so as to not tip the full mugs, Robbie was also hesitating out of fear. At the door, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t scared to enter, because in fact he was downright terrified to go in and potentially await have his life destroyed.  
After taking a long steadying breathe however, he finally plucked up the courage to gently knock.  
There was no reply.  
He hesitated just one second longer before he decided to gently try the door handle, and quietly entered the room. One of the bedside lamps was thankfully on, filling the generously sized guest room in a dim but warm soft glow.  
From the lump in the bed covers, Gary was evidently in the double bed with a duvet securely over his head.  
“Gaz…” Robbie tentatively tried. His voice barely a decibel over a whisper. There was no response from the lump, and frankly Robbie hadn’t expected one.  
“Gaz, babe…please darling, I know you’re awake – we need to talk” he gently said, his voice getting stronger as he sat carefully on the side of the bed, and stroked the duvet covered lump.  
“I can’t…I can’t even look at you, right now” came a small muffled voice from beneath the covers.  
“I understand, then please just listen…”  
Silence was the only reply Robbie received, and so he chanced proceeding with the words that he had been rehearsing in his head since he’d left their home a short while ago. “Gary, you have every right to hate me right now, I have completely fucked up and let you down. I’ve let myself down and I feel absolutely sick to the stomach about it. I haven’t slept right since it happened, wishing a thousand times it hadn’t happened…wishing that I hadn’t been a complete idiot and gone down to the bar that night. I know I don’t deserve it, or deserve you, but all I want a chance to make it up to you, and prove to you that YOU are the only one I want for the rest of my life – you’re my Everything, Gary Barlow - my love, my life, my home”.  
As Robbie came to an end of his speech he was greeted with only silence in return. He cast his eyes down to the ground and shakes his head dejectedly, having no clue what to now do.  
Then, quite unexpectedly the form under the duvet shifted in the bed, and a moment later Gary pushed the bed covers off his head, allowing them to come face to face for the first time since dinner earlier that evening. What Robbie saw in Gary’s face broke his heart in two; the hurt, the disappointment he had expected but it still pained him to see it, but that wasn’t what stopped his heart, it was the intense vulnerability in Gary’s eyes. He'd never seen it before yet Robbie knew it that silently told him he held Gary’s whole world in his hand in that single moment. He knew it all too well because he was sure the same vulnerability was mirrored in him, with Gary as the keeper of his heart and the only true decider of what was to be done with it.

As he awaited his fate, he starred lovingly into Gary’s face, studying every inch of it, in case this was the last time he was allowed to. Gary’s beautiful eyes were red and puffy, his complexion pale, and there were still freshly shed tears sliding down through his stubbly jawline. Without thinking Robbie reached a hand up to wipe them away. In response to the touch, Gary gently pushed his face into Robbie’s hand until Robbie was holding it firmly, “I’m so sorry Gary, you have to believe me, the last thing I want to ever do is hurt you, and I have, but I love you so very much - you are my life, please let me prove it to you….please babe” Robbie softly spoke, caressing Gary’s face ever so gently.  
“Why Rob, why did you have to do this – was I not enough for you?” Gary asked steadily, his voice quiet but gravelly.  
“Of course you’re enough, you’re ALL I want, forever!” Robbie implored, “...it was a stupid mistake, I’m not using the drink as an excuse but you know it’s not me when I drink; it’s like I’m a different person - a depressive, destructive, self-hating person-”  
“So why did you drink? You said it was because of our conversation on the phone, so would that mean that after every small argument we have I can expect you to go out drink yourself into a state then end up in someone else’s bed?!”  
“No – absolutely not! I hate myself for what I've done to you, to us - I will NEVER do it again.”  
“How can I believe you?”  
“THIS, all of _this_ right now – this is my nightmare I'm living, worrying you could leave me because of this stupid fucking drunken mistake that I don’t even really remember! I am so scared of losing you over this, over my stupidity! I’m terrified because I don’t want anyone else, for the rest of my life, only you – you have to believe me. You are my life! We’re meant to be together, Gaz – you know we are!”  
“You’ve hurt me more than I ever thought possible Rob – I still can’t believe what you’ve done, I don’t even want to think about it!”  
“Don’t! Don’t think about it, please baby…”  
“I don’t know Rob, I need time”  
“I get that ok, but come home please – I know we can get through this together, we are so good together Gaz, just give us a chance, please I beg you”.  
“But Rob –”  
“I’ll give you all the time you need, I promise, if you just give me this chance to make it up to you, to prove to you how much I love you, we can get through this, I know we can.”  
“Rob…”  
“Come home please” Rob begged, but Gary was still reluctant to agree. Robbie caressed Gary’s face once more, his light fingers lacing Gary’s stubble. They starred intensively into each other's eyes, communicating without words, until finally it felt as if Gary was conceding, as he reached his own hand up to gently hold on to Robbie’s caressing one. Gary held Robbie’s hand firmly to his face, giving Robbie the signal and opportunity to swiftly put his arms around the smaller man, and envelope him in a deep hug. Gary melted surprisingly quickly into it, allowing Robbie to pull him into his chest tightly, even allowing Robbie to leave a series of butterfly kisses on his hairline… “I love you so much” Robbie declared.

There was a pause, and Robbie waited with baited breath…

“I may be a complete fool”, came Gary’s gentle tone, “but I love you too”.  
Robbie couldn’t help but smile into Gary’s hair, out of sheer relief, “You’re not a fool Gaz, I am. I’ve been a complete fool, and I’m paying the price for that foolishness but I will be better, I promise you”.  
Having reached a compromise (albeit still reluctantly, on Gary’s part), they simply sat there holding each other on the bed for some time, both still a little unwilling to leave the moment behind them, for different reasons.

****************************************************************************************

Downstairs Mark and Howard drank their tea quietly, listening out for but not hearing any raised voices, which Mark reasoned, must be a good sign.  
Howard was flicking through TV channels when Robbie finally made a reappearance downstairs. He was not a lone, Gary was with him, and from the look of the bag he was holding, he was no longer staying the night. 

Howard’s brow furrowed at the sight, he was glad they seemed to be ok and talking, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t shocked to see Gary agreeing to go home so quickly. “You’re both going?” He asked, to which Gary simply nodded in response.  
“Are you sure that’s the best thing right now? Why don’t you both just stay the night here, there’s plenty of room yeah?” Howard suggested.  
“That’s kind of you mate,” replied Robbie, “But I think we just need to be in our home, don’t we Gaz?”. Gary quietly agreed and thanked Howard for his help. Howard nodded curtly, still unsure. Mark however, cleared his throat in an effort to break the tension and offered the pair a lift home. Robbie thanked him and they left to get in the car. Before leaving, Mark looked at Howard who still looked far from convinced; “They’ll be fine Dougie” Mark said cheerfully as he left. 

“We’ll see...”, Howard said sceptically to the empty room, “We’ll see”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reworked this chapter, hence the delay – my apologies. I Hope you’re still enjoying it, even through all the sadness. They’ve still a long way to go yet. The next chapter sees Robbie and Gary trying to work through recent events.  
> Thank you so much for your comments & kudos, I really appreciate it. xx


	12. Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie and Gary need to work hard to mend their relationship – will progress be made, or is it hopeless?

## Different

Back in their own home from Howard's, they both didn’t know what to do with themselves. There was only silence as Gary left Robbie in the hallway, to go into the kitchen to clear up, only to find someone had got to that before him. “Mark kindly put all the food in the fridge”, Robbie gently said, guessing Gary’s confusion as he followed him in, “I can reheat some up if you’re hungry?”  
Gary stayed silent as he surveyed the room, too busy recalling all that had passed in that room earlier that evening, “I’m not hungry”, he eventually said, “Think I’ll just go to bed”.  
Robbie paused at the fridge where he had already been pulling back the tin foil on a container, investigating the contents within; but at Gary’s words, he looked up with uneasiness, “ok, we can go to bed,” he said, “Unless you want me to sleep down here?” he tentatively added.  
Gary turned to face him, “Sleep wherever you like”, he said emotionlessly, and headed straight for the stairs.

Robbie put the food back and closed the fridge, with a sigh. He didn’t know what to do, should he give Gary space and sleep on the sofa, or follow Gary to bed like he wanted to? He just wanted to get them back on track, like they were – and he honestly couldn’t see that happening if he started sleeping on the sofa.  
He mulled on this decision a few more minutes, until he could no longer hear any movement from the floor above, and so he quietly made his way up the stairs. He was surprised to find their bedroom door ajar, and took that as a good sign. Upon entering he immediately noticed Gary was already in bed and feigning sleep. Robbie walked over to the ensuite, the light for which, Gary had left on for him. After washing up and de-clothing, he slid gently into the bed, watching Gary’s form very carefully. Gary was on his side with his back to Robbie, completely rigid and silent, like a stone.  
Robbie rolled on to his side, and starred at the back of Gary’s head. His heart ached to reach out and touch his lover, but he sagely knew he couldn’t – he would need to earn permission, and that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. As he finally let an uneasy slumber engulf his emotionally drained mind, he couldn’t help thinking just 24 hours ago, how completely different things had been. 

****************************************************************************

Over the next couple of days, there was absolutely no progress. Gary seemed to be purposely avoiding Robbie; if at home, Gary would lock himself in the basement studio, not even answering the intercom, but mostly Gary found reasons to be outside the house. Robbie was at a loss as to what to do, he needed to make things right between them, he just didn’t know how to, so instead he fell a little more into a languishing despair each day; moping around an empty house, falling further down into himself, as the hours wore on and he was left alone.

“He just needs time and space Rob”, Mark sympathetically told him over the phone the next day. It had been three days since the disastrous dinner which had left only destruction in its wake.  
“I know that Mark – but I can’t make things better if he’s always avoiding me!” Robbie replied, feeling he was at his wits end.  
“Rob, you do realise this doesn’t just have an easy-fix righ’?! You can’t MAKE things better, just like that – it’s going to take time, mate”.  
“I know that Mark!”  
“Really? Because I know you, and I love you Rob, but you are not the most patient guy – in fact you’ve got the attention span of a Dalmatian puppy, and absolutely zero patience”.  
“That’s not true! I can be patient! –”  
“Yeah right! You're the kind of guy that's always got that Christmas morning feeling, it's adorable at times but exasperating at others...”  
“Regardless Mark, how can I make things right between me and Gaz – what do I do?”  
“Rob – there is no ‘one answer’ – you’ve got to just keep working at your relationship. Stop expecting so much from him so soon, he is still hurting. You’ve had loads of time to process what you did, he hasn’t – he’s still coming to terms with it, working out what he wants to do”.  
“Wow. That makes me feel so much better - so my boyfriend is deciding whether to break up with me or not. Thanks Mark”, Rob said sarcastically.  
“Well, this isn’t about you is it?! Get over yourself, you are trying to save the relationship for BOTH of your sakes, not just you!”  
“I know, but I also KNOW I’m right for Gary, because I honestly couldn’t love anyone more than I love him.”  
“I know Rob, and Gary knows that too I’m sure – just...just talk to him, and KEEP talking”.  
“Sure, if only Gary would be here, to allow us to talk” Robbie said grumpily.  
“Well, that’s simple – construct the time to talk, you could cook him a special dinner – well in your case, order take-out but you get the idea!” Mark offered encouragingly.  
“Hmmm…not a bad idea that – thanks Markie!”

After the phone call to Mark, Robbie felt rejuvenated in his quest to make things right with Gary. He was so determined to get things back to how they were, he literally couldn’t think of anything else. He’d avoided all phone calls and emails to put all his energies into fixing _them_ , even calls from his manager, assistants and publicists. He wanted to give Gary his full attention. 

But little did he realise the folly that would become from his actions.

************************************************************************************

 

Gary meanwhile, was putting all of _his_ energies into his work. It was either that or dwell on what Robbie did. He was still consumed by it all. Never did he think Robbie would be unfaithful, so much so that he had never even considered what he’d do in the circumstance Robbie did cheat. He didn’t want to give up on Robbie, he loved him so much – plus they had the dogs, the band, and the fans to think about. It made no sense to break up over this, they could get over it, he was sure they could…but he couldn’t help that small part of him that told him things are different now, that told him it was not the same as it was, and never would be again, and that he’d be unlikely to ever really fully trust Robbie again after this.  
That small voice in his head, was definitely getting louder.

Gary had been finishing some tracks for a movie soundtrack at Abbey Studios, and wandered home around 5pm. He heavily sighed as he put the key in the front door, he almost dreaded coming home these days. As soon as he was through the door, the dogs ran up to greet him as always, and that alone never failed to put a massive grin on his face. Until that was, Robbie came bouncing along with the dogs, with as much enthusiasm as his pawed pals, and it threw him. Robbie welcomed him home, taking his jacket and laptop case. Gary still a little bewildered, then allowed himself to be steered in the direction of the lounge where on the floor, a table cloth had been smoothly laid out across their cream carpet. On top was an assortment of picnic food (noticeably from M & S), a pair of wine glasses (one filled with Milk for Robbie), two plates and napkins. Robbie then momentarily disappeared into the kitchen but was back in a flash holding a tray of fruit, jelly and cream. Robbie still had the brightest smile on his face (hiding the anxiety he felt inside), as he ushered Gary to the ‘picnic’. Gary was hesitant – but eventually sat down on the carpet where Robbie joined him.  
“I thought you might be hungry but probably wouldn’t want a heavy take out, so I thought, ‘why not an indoors picnic!” Robbie declared.  
“Thanks, that’s nice of you.” Gary spoke sedately. Undeterred, Robbie offered him a plate of carrot batons with a hummus dip, while he grabbed a ham & cheese sandwich. They ate in quiet for a while, until Robbie built up the courage to start the conversation, “So, I saw on the calendar you have that charity gig tomorrow night”, he began nonchalantly (or at least trying his hardest to be), Gary merely nodded so Robbie continued, “I was thinking of going with you, if that’s alright?”  
That had Gary’s sudden attention. He stopped munching on the carrot sticks and looked up at Robbie with surprise, “Why?” he simply asked.  
Robbie ignored the blunt tone, and proceeded with his plan, “Just want to support you, be there for you s’all – that’s if it’s ok?” He asked sheepishly, genuinely worried about Gary’s response.  
Gary’s however, readily agreed, saying it’d be nice to have him there. Robbie was doubly relieved to hear it, especially since Gary’s response meant he was obviously 'trying' too. A small awkward silence followed while they both ate quietly, then Robbie proposed that they make a day of it, since the gig was the other side of London, they could spend the day there together.  
“You don’t have to do that Robbie, it's ok” Gary quietly said.  
“I know I don’t have to, I WANT to”, Robbie said slightly taken aback.  
“Rob…look –”  
“No, Gaz”, he sighed. Robbie knew exactly what Gary was going to say, and he didn’t want Gary to think he was just being that typical disingenuous cheating sort of boyfriend, who just trying to keep him happy before cheating again. “I know things are going to be different…for a while, but you have to understand I WANT to be different too, I want to be there for you, I want to share it all, and be boyfriend you deserve”.  
Gary smiled at that.  
“But Gaz, you need to know", he continued, "I'm trying, I’m really trying to be different, I promise you, because I want to prove to you, your heart is safe with me, that I’m not ever going to do anything like this again, not ever…but I need a bit of help, from you” Robbie carefully said, his voice small and unsure.  
Gary furrowed his eyebrows, not understanding, “what do you need?” he asked, perplexed.  
“…I…I NEED you to meet me half way” Robbie said.  
“I don’t understand –”  
“I mean, just please don’t shut me out Gaz, like I said - I am trying, but it’s hard when you’re not here, or you’re here but 'not here' – if you know what I mean?!” Robbie said slightly flustered, and from the look on Gary’s face, he didn’t know what he meant. “Just,” Robbie continued, “…I just need you to not keep it bottled up, it’s hard knowing you’re thinking on it all, but not saying what you’re thinking. We need to keep talking it out, that's all I’m saying”.

Gary pondered on that a bit and then nodded.  
Robbie exhaled deeply, relieved Gary seemed to understand. They continued with dinner, making a bit of small chat but nothing deep or serious. They put the TV on and watched that a while before Gary said he needed to make a couple of phone calls before bed, Robbie gave a weak smile and nodded. But then as Gary got up to walk out of the room, he stopped and seemed to reconsider something, “actually,” he suddenly started, “that can wait, we best clear this stuff up, and get to bed early if we’re gonna have a day out tomorrow” Gary said with a small smile.  
Robbie returned the smile but immediately got up and offered to do all the clearing up. Gary waved the suggestion off, “No offence Rob, but you’re a bit like a guest that wants to be helpful but doesn’t know where anything is, and so ends up a bit of a hindrance really” Gary grinned.  
“Jeez, thanks!” Robbie feigned offence.  
Gary softly chuckled (it was the first laugh, Robbie had heard from him since the band dinner), “how about you wash, I’ll dry?” he offered.  
“But we have a dishwasher…” Robbie asked before he caught Gary’s drift, “except I don’t know how to load it righ’?” he said, shaking his head.  
“There’s a particular way it has to fit, so…”  
“yeah, yeah - I get it, I'm useless in the kitchen – come on”, Robbie playfully rebuked as he took a pile of plates into the kitchen.  
When they finally got to bed that night, they talked a little under the covers, just ideas about what they could do the next day, but it was finally being face to face that meant everything to Robbie. As they were getting sleepy, Robbie reached out a hand to grab the duvet and pull it back over them both, and as he did he carefully laid an arm lightly over Gary’s sleepy form. He was filled with hope when Gary didn’t immediately reject it, and then when Gary purposely shuffled into Robbie’s arms, falling deeper against Robbie’s chest, Robbie was filled with such happiness. He wrapped a protective arm around his boyfriend and breathed into his soft hair, leaving light kisses. 

That night they both had the best sleep they’d had in nearly a week.

*********************************************************************************************

“Who’s taking the dogs today?” Gary mumbled with a mouthful of foaming toothpaste plus his toothbrush.  
“Sally – she’ll be here in an hour”, Robbie yawned as he stepped behind Gary in the ensuite, reaching for his own toothbrush. Both stood there starring into the mirror washing their teeth, shooting each other furtive glances, which caused Robbie to smile. It felt to him like they were finally getting back to how they were, at last.  
They’d had a nice morning out, checking out some new studio equipment and then a vintage record store. After lunch they relaxed in a park near the venue Gary was singing at later, because he needed to go for sound check in a short while. Adorning sunglasses to provide some disguise, they were not at all surprised when they were still stopped by members of the public for photos every so often, they didn’t mind in the least. The only time there was cause for concern was when Robbie spotted a pap taking photos from afar; “Lawd knows why – no one’s interested in two aging, recently uncloseted gay pop stars” Gary laughed, but Robbie wasn’t so sure. He could’ve sworn he saw the pap smirk at him. 

That night Robbie was a very proud boyfriend, as he watched Gary’s gig from the side of the stage, and as always he wanted to go out and join him – he loved and missed performing with Gary, and the rest of the boys for that matter. He hoped they would start on that new material soon, especially now that things had calmed down between him and Gary. There was a buzzing in his pocket while Gary did a quick encore, and he briefly checked it out, but as soon as he saw it was his manager, he turned it off.  
Tonight was only about his Gary.

 

When they finally got home, they rolled into bed meaning to go straight to sleep, but Gary was always wired after a gig, and not ready to come down off the high yet. Still riding his high, he innocently leaned forward under the covers, and kissed Robbie slowly on the lips. It was the lightest of kisses but the meaning behind it was so much more. After the kiss, a beaming Robbie starred into Gary’s eyes, immediately wanting more but knowing he didn’t have admittance yet. And so they simply continued to look deep in each other’s eyes, until it seemed they saw their own souls mirrored in them. Under the covers however, their limbs were already beginning to entangle and make a more intimate kind of contact. 

It was still a good five minutes before either made another move, Robbie had convinced himself, it had to be Gary to make the first move because if _he_ did, and was subsequently rejected by Gary for moving too fast or assuming too much, it would only cause the tension to flare up between them once more and destroy all the progress they had made. Gary meanwhile, was torn as he wanted to move forward with Robbie, but didn’t want Robbie to think he was too easy - he wanted Robbie to appreciate how hard it was for him to get over the pain and anxiety Robbie's unfaithfulness had caused him. At least that was plan, but when Gary was faced with a seductive combination of puppy eyes and a cheeky grin, he was immediately drawn in and melted into Robbie’s arms as if he had no will of his very own...

That night was all about the foreplay, taking time to rediscover and appreciate each part of the other’s body. Kissing, caressing, _feeling_ everything. Feeling safe, feeling wanted, feeling the other’s warm breath make their very skin shiver, having every kiss take their breath away, each pinch and clawing of nails leaving a mark as well as an erotic groan. They spent so long simply devouring each other that when they finally made love, it was slightly lazy and only served to provide a climax while really the ‘middle’ had been the main show that night. 

**********************************************************************************************

The next morning, Robbie awoke to find himself alone in the bed – momentarily he feared the worst - that Gary regretted the night before but then he found the note: 

_Need to go finalise a last track for the movie, will be back soon sleepy head! Xx_

Robbie smiled; two kisses – that had to mean good things. He was under no illusions that they still had a lot to work out but they were on the right track, he felt it, he really did, and it made him so very happy.

He skipped down the stairs two at a time, picking up his discarded mobile from the night before, off the sideboard and the newspaper off the mat, as he went. Without checking it, he flung it on the table in the kitchen and walked over to the coffee machine. Checking his phone, he shockingly found he had a lot of missed calls from his management, his publicist, his mum – and more besides. Robbie flicked down the deluge of messages left, choosing the newest one from his manager – a voicemail. His blood began to run cold, he had a foreboding feeling as he dialled to listen to the message:  
“Rob - where the hell are you, and why aren’t you picking up the phone - or returning my call?! We’ve tried to stall them as long as we could, we even threatened them! But they’re running it, I’m so sorry Rob, they’re running the story about you in the Czech Republic, they said they had enough. I’m so sorry. Just call me as soon as you get this, ok?!”

Robbie ended the call and his body froze in horror. There was a rushing noise in his ears, and he knew it was his blood pumping so hard and so fast he could physically feel his pulse rate rising, with the dread. He shook his head, ‘It couldn’t be, it can’t be, not now!’ he frantically thought. That’s when he remembered the newspaper on the kitchen table. He abandoned the coffee, put down his phone, and shakily stepped towards the newspaper innocently sitting there still folded. 

He was terrified. 

With shaky hands he began to unfold the pages, taking a deep breath to prepare himself, but there was really no preparation for the headline that awaited him:

# What a Shame… Robbie’s Loving Elsewhere Instead!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave it there – but you’ll find out more next week, and whether Robbie can race against time to protect Gary from hearing it from anyone else.  
> Thank you for your comments and kudos, they are very much appreciated, and I love to read them. xx


	13. I Know You Hear Me Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when things looks are looking up, they can fall right back down. It’s time to face up to some home truths!

__

# What a Shame…

__

## Robbie’s Loving Elsewhere Instead

_Has Robbie been cheating on his partner Gary Barlow already? The couple came out several months ago, to the surprise of the world, and their incredible large and dedicated fan base, and they appeared to put on a united front. However, it looks like it could be 'take that' for their union could be in trouble as it emerges Robbie has cheated on Gary with another man while spending time away from home. A source stated, “Robbie was on his own in a city, and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be a little naughty, he's still a wild one at heart!”_  
You could ask how deep is their love, when it is believed they have an agreement whereby Robbie is seemingly allowed to play away, but some suggest this is the tell-tale sign of boredom in a relationship some thought was a match made in heaven, but in reality never really worked… “They are completely different people” said another source close to the couple, “Robbie is high-strung and high maintenance, and I know Gary has had to put up with a lot but I don’t think Gary could ever really keep up. He’s always been a more of a ‘tea & slippers’ man who likes a quieter life. They’ve given a good try, but couldn’t make it work”.  
Time will tell whether the Patience singer will want Robbie back for good, or maybe Robbie has no regrets and will go off to entertain someone else. Neither was available for comment, but it certainly looks like love just ain’t THERE anymore. 

Robbie, finished reading the article, and stood there in complete shock.   
He didn’t know who those ‘blasted ‘sources’ were, but they were talking out of their arses’, he furiously thought to himself.   
Not that it mattered, with all this in the newspapers, and more similar headlines as he found when he scanned the other messages from his publicist and assistants, he was doomed. He didn’t care about the public perception, he knew he probably should but there was only one opinion that mattered. He depressingly dropped on to the nearest chair just thinking about how Gary was going to react, picturing his face when he found out.   
And all this frustrating happening, just after they had been getting along so well, putting the whole ugly mess behind them! Robbie was distressed, he knew this was all going to set them back, right back to the beginning. If he had a hope’s chance in hell, of softening the blow then Robbie needed to get to Gary before he saw the article himself. He needed to prepare Gary, and reassure him of the article’s false 'sources'.

He leapt up into action, calling the studio Gary was working at, but apparently Gary had already left, yet the person on the phone was sure Gary had mentioned he was stopping off somewhere on his way home first. Robbie was frantic! He didn’t have a clue where Gary was. He tried calling him but it went straight to his voicemail. He couldn’t leave a message in his state but just hoped Gary saw the missed calls and made his way home. 

Robbie felt sick as a dog.   
His publicist had sent more details of the other articles out in circulation, it was not good; although all centred around his infidelity in Prague, the story had been grossly distorted, some saying Robbie paid for sex, others talking again about how they have an open relationship, but the worst however, were the sources that insinuated Robbie had wanted out of the relationship for a long time, how Gary wanted marriage but Robbie didn’t, and this was Robbie’s way of getting out a relationship which had become ‘stale’. He knew that last comment was going to do the most damage to him and Gary’s relationship, since for some reason Gary already had unfounded anxiety about Robbie being bored. In reality it couldn’t be further from the truth, and Robbie couldn’t understand how these sources that alleged it so, had even come about…unless he had said something stupid when drunk perhaps?! But it didn’t matter, because he knew there was no truth in it – he loved his relationship with Gary, and never wanted to be apart from him.   
“Damn fucking lies!” he seethed in frustration and anger, he grabbed the newspaper sheets roughly, before screwing them up and throwing them across the room. “Aarghh!!!” he yelled out again in frustration, ‘how could all this be happening, now?!’ he angrily thought, but a little later the anger turned to tears, as he crumbled into a hopeless mess.

 

It had been two hours, and still Gary hadn’t returned. Robbie had tried calling everywhere he thought Gary might be, but to no avail. There were so many calls coming through from his publicist, and manager; mostly journalists looking for the scoop, as well as some looking for TV interviews. Robbie’s head was swimming – it was all getting too real, and yet all he could think about was Gary. Had Gary already found out, and was avoiding him?! It’d make sense – but that just made Robbie worry even more about Gary’s whereabouts. He wanted him home, he needed to be the one to break the news. He knew it was going to hit them hard, especially for Gary who he knew was going to feel humiliated and completely distraught by his personal life being in the papers. 

 

It was another hour before Gary arrived home. He came through the door very quietly and even before Robbie had a chance to climb up off the sofa (where he had been laying in foetal position), Gary was there standing in front of him, and the look said it all. Robbie instantly felt something ‘tear’ deep inside himself.   
Gary knew.

“Gary…” he said carefully.   
But Gary immediately interrupted him, “I was on my way home when I stopped for petrol”, his voice chillingly quiet and emotionless, “The crazy thing is you know I usually pay at the pump to avoid going in the store but I accidently pressed the wrong button on the pay screen. So I was just walking over to the store…and there it all was, there in the stands, all over the front pages.”  
“Gary…” Robbie tried again, standing up at last.  
“The things they’re saying!” Gary suddenly burst, his eyes filled with anger and hurt.  
“You know it’s not true” Robbie said before realising his words, “Well, I mean what the ‘sources’ allege – its complete bullshit, Gaz – you know it is”  
“But-”  
“Gary – it’s important we don’t let what they say affect us!” Robbie pleaded as he stepped closer to Gary, carefully placing a calming hand on his shoulder.  
“I’m trying Rob – but it’s hard, I don’t understand how they know”  
“Know what?! They don’t know anything! All that crap they’re saying – it’s just ‘em guessing, putting two and two together and coming up with six! That’s all it is, Gaz. I promise you”, Robbie reasoned evenly, while stoking a calming hand through Gary’s hair. He felt anything but calm himself, but knew it was to impetrative to keep things sedate and pretend the papers didn’t matter. They had to be united on this, if they were ever going to ride this storm.  
Gary immediately felt himself weaken under Robbie’s touch. He wanted to just go with it, and be taken into Robbie’s strong arms where the outside world didn’t matter. If it weren’t for his head…

“No, Rob!” Gary cried as he shook off Robbie’s affection, “you can’t just do that! You can’t ignore this, as if it doesn’t mean anything!”  
“I didn’t say it didn’t, but we can’t let this set us back – we…we’re doing so well” Robbie pleaded.  
“I know”, Gary said quietly relinquishing.  
“So don’t let this get to you”.  
Gary knew it was logical, and knew Robbie was being genuine, yet still something niggled in the back of his head, “But what they said –” he started.  
Robbie shook his head, “We’ve been over this, it’s bull shit!” he interrupted, knowing exactly where this was leading.  
“But they said you were bored…” Gary continued unabated.   
“Fuck sake not this again!”  
“Well, it’s a bit of coincidence isn’t it?!”  
No Gaz, it’s just them guessing, and it couldn’t be more wrong! How many times do we have to go over this?!” Robbie barked, completely exhausted with having to go over the same thing again and again. However seeing Gary instantly flinch at his tone, made him instantly regret quickening to anger.  
“Why are you yelling at me?” He simply asked.  
“I’m not, I’m just frustrated” Robbie said, straining to say even.  
“By me?” Gary asked honestly.  
“No, by everything, but mostly these bloody papers raking it all up between us!”  
Gary sighed, “It’s news Rob, news a lot of people will be interested in”, his tone somewhat deadpan.  
“I don’t care, I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks, only you – and here you are, still uncertain about me – why?”  
“Well, jeez, I have no idea why my confidence in you might be a tad shaken,” Gary’s voice was drenched in sarcasm, “-but hang on it could be because…YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEOME ELSE!!!” 

“Fuck sake, we can’t keep going over the same things, again and again.” Robbie was getting more aggravated, “I’m really trying here, can’t you see how hard I’m trying to fight for ‘us’? – why would I even do that if I were bored or wanted out?! It doesn’t make sense! It’s because I don’t! You know I don’t want out! I love you more than anything in this world – you are my world, you always have been! Why can’t you believe that?!” He beseeched.   
“I do…” Gary merely replied.  
“Then why question it again, huh? Because of crap that’s in the paper?! You can’t keep asking this, you said you were trying too!” Robbie challenged.  
“I know, I am… I just…”  
“What?! You just what?!”  
“I don’t know, Rob!”  
“What don’t you know?!”  
“I…I can’t just….”  
“What?!”  
“I don’t know…”  
“GAZ, you don’t know what?! Just spit it out!”  
“I can’t forgive you!” Gary yelped, immediately averting his gaze from Robbie’s.   
The words struck Robbie in the heart. “What?” Robbie asked, taken aback.   
“...I mean, I’m not sure I can...I don’t know”, Gary gently said as he finally looked up to face his boyfriend.

It stung so deep, Robbie could barely conceal his hurt, “But…” he felt his lips wobble, “I mean, I get it’ll take time, but we’re getting somewhere. It’s been great recently. I know we can get over this Gaz!”   
“Rob – I’m not sure we can”.  
“Since, the fuck when?!” Robbie couldn’t help his anger, he was scared.   
Gary could sense this, but had to be honest, “I’ve been thinking on it, I’ve not stopped thinking about it all – how can I?!”  
“I know, me too but it’s to be expected”, Robbie reasoned.  
“Expected?! No, it’s not the same Rob! You don’t know how THIS feels! Because you’ve not been cheated on, have you? You’ve not had all your trust, all your confidence in someone completely shattered! It's made me question everything…It’s hard Rob, I’m trying – but it’s so hard!” Gary said exhaustedly, and then collapsed on the sofa, holding his own head in his hands. 

Robbie swallowed hard. His hands were shaking with the adrenaline the conversation was causing, but he needed to calm the situation down. “Ok, I get it…” he said, gently sitting down beside his boyfriend, “but if we just keep working on it together, that trust will build back up, I know it will”.  
“I’m not sure it can” Gary mumbled quietly.  
“Please Gaz, just give it a chance!” Robbie begged, falling to a kneel on the floor in front of Gary. He grabbed his arms, “I can’t lose you!”, he pleaded.   
Gary looked into Robbie’s eyes, and saw the fear there, “I think, I just need some time…” he offered.  
“Ok” Robbie slowly responded, a little uncertain.  
Gary took a breath, “…and space”.  
Robbie, still on his knees nonetheless straightened his back with tension, “What do you mean?” he asked, affronted.  
Gary looked at him, keeping his expression and voice level, “Elliot and I, well, they want us back in New York. I wasn’t going to go, but I think now, it might be for the best”.  
“What?! No, you can’t Gaz!” Robbie said alarmed, and stood back up. “Can you imagine what the papers will say if you’re papped at some airport with a suitcase!”  
“I thought you didn’t care what the papers said?” Gary quizzed suspiciously.  
“I DON’T! But, you can’t leave – not now. We need to work on this – TOGETHER! If you go, it’s the exact opposite of _trying_ ” Robbie argued.   
“It’s already settled” Gary said quietly.  
“But you just said….and the paper today only came out today – how can it be already settled?”   
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while”, Gary sheepishly replied, “and then Eliot suggested it might be for the best if–”   
“Oh, of course Elliot suggested it! He can’t stand me!” Robbie seethed, shaking his head in disbelief.   
Gary was shocked, “That’s not true”. But Robbie looked sceptic. “Honestly, Rob, he’s rooting for us, but he just thinks it’s a good opportunity –”  
“Of course, this is what it comes down to,” Robbie angrily interrupted, “it’s not about ‘space’ at all, is it? This is just about you and your fucking precious work!”   
“Excuse me?” Gary said taken aback, and he stood up to meet Robbie in the eye. But Robbie continued undeterred, “You want to go, this is all just a perfect excuse to run away and work!”  
“THIS is anything but perfect! DO you think I want my life, my humiliation spread across the front page?!” Gary retorted, tired of Robbie’s immaturity.  
“I think, you were going anyway, whether it was in the papers, or not”.  
“I told you I wasn't, and all because I have been trying Rob – I’ve really tried!” Gary wearily said.   
“Yeah, right!” Robbie snorted.

That was the last straw for Gary.   
“You are unbelievable!” he yelled, “Even when it’s you at fault, you still find a way to play the victim. I have tried SO hard with you Rob! You first gave me grief for not wanting to come out when I didn’t even know for sure if I was gay, or if I had just simply fallen for you. But I _came out_ never-the-less, all because YOU asked me to, yet when I want more commitment from this relationship, you shoot me down every time! And now you have the audacity to ask why I might question your commitment when you go and fuck someone else! How dare you! Christ, I even cut down on my work, just to be with you, to make YOU happy - but still it’s not enough Rob, it’s never enough!” his voice screeched out of exasperation, before he turned his back on Robbie, making for the door. Robbie was shocked by Gary’s words but was quick enough to grab Gary’s retreating form back, and spun him around to face him.  
“Don’t you dare try to make out I made you ‘come out’ - we both decided together! I would never have forced you to do that! It had to be right for both of us - but all you were worried about was the fans, and the Labels, and what the press and everyone would say, and most of all - how it would affect your bloody work!” he yelled at Gary, unable to control his anger.   
“Oh, here it goes – let’s make this about my work AGAIN, anything to deflect from your infidelity!” Gary shakily retorted, feeling tears already forming in his eyes. He hated fighting.  
“My infidelity? What about yours?!” Robbie continued nonplussed.   
“What are you even talking about?!” Gary confusedly asked “– I’ve never cheated, I would never cheat!”   
“Maybe not, but that’s how it feels when it comes to you and your fucking work!” Robbie roared on, “All you care about is your damn work! I’m the one left out in the cold – then you wonder why I looked for comfort elsewhere!”  
Gary’s glistening eyes widened with shock, “Are you kiddin’ me? You’re trying to say I’m responsible for your cheating?!” his words trembled as he swallowed past a lump forming in his throat - which made him even angrier, he wasn’t going to let himself get upset.  
“No,” Robbie continued with little control, “but you weren’t there for me, and I wouldn’t have been in that predicament if it weren’t for you abandoning me in favour of work – I was upset because of you, I drank because of you, I fucked up and fucked some guy to get back at YOU! …and you know what, I’ve had to put up with your affair with your work every day, so I guess you now know how it feels!”

After his last words fell they were only met with silence. 

Silence out of shock was all there was, and it felt like his very last words kept ringing like an echo around the room, or maybe it was just in his head, but as he looked at the shock on Gary’s face, he guessed Gary was replaying those same words too.   
Robbie knew he had gone way too far. It wasn’t even true, it wasn’t even close to being true – he never set out to sleep with anyone. He only said that because, well, even he didn’t even why - it was just a ‘in the heat of the moment’ thing, and he instantly regretted it.  
“Gaz – I didn’t mean that! Any of it - it’s not true.” His voice instantly softened as he stepped closer to Gary.  
“Then why did you say it?” Gary asked curtly. Gary didn’t move one inch one way or another, but his stiff body language was clear – ‘do not get any closer’, and so Robbie backed off a little.  
Robbie struggled, raking a hand through his hair, he knew he had fucked up. “I don’t know – I s’pose to hurt you, but I don’t want to Gaz”, he said pitifully as he struggled to hold back his emotion “– it just feels like sometimes you just don’t get it?”  
“Get what?” Gary said, with a stoic face.   
Robbie felt sick, he was still feeling shaky with the adrenaline as he recovered from his regrettable verbal diarrhoea, and his heart was beating so fast he was sure it was going to burst out his chest, but he had to get Gary to understand him. “What it means to be in a relationship”, he said, “– it’s more than just a status, or the word ‘commitment’ – it’s being there, actually being there for each other. If by some miracle you’re not working, I still don’t get to have you completely, your mind is always somewhere else.”   
Gary narrowed his eyes, and starred at Robbie in disbelief, “So out the pair of us, you reckon you’re the most committed one?!”  
“No! You’re misunderstanding me!” He beseeched in a defensive manner, “But at least I’m honest and don’t hold back - I give you everything Gaz, my entire being, I put it out there! But…but you, it feels like you’re always holding back! Sometimes I don’t know what you’re feeling, if anything! You are so fucking closed off, all the damn time!” His voice became elevated in response to the incredulity growing on Gary’s face.   
“Oh here we go again, I’m the cold one, the unfeeling one – how can you still use that?!” Gary tiredly argued, “Twenty years ago, you used that – but still? Are you kidding me? If you honestly believe that then it only proves you don’t know me at all! You wear your heart on your sleeve, I don’t – does that mean I don’t feel?!  
“No, of course not!” Robbie said earnestly.  
“Then way say it?!” Gary said, not even trying to disguise his hurt, or the tiredness he felt.  
“Oh, I don’t know Gaz…I honestly don’t know” Robbie replied resignedly, “I don’t mean it! I don’t even know what I’m saying, I’m just so tired! I’ve been sitting here all morning so worried you’d see the papers. So scared how you’d take it, but then I go and shout my head off. I’m sorry Gaz”. He sighed and sat back down on the sofa.  
Gary looked at him with sympathy, before he cast his eyes downwards.  
“I can’t do this anymore, Rob”, he quietly spoke.  
“Me neither”, Rob reasonably replied, “let’s just take a step back – get something to eat, ok. Emotions are running high and tempers are flaring, it’s just because of the situation, it’s been a horrible morning is s’all”.

But Gary didn’t move, he didn’t look up. He stood stock still until finally he sighed.  
“No, Rob – I can’t do this”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a busy few weeks coming up and won’t be able to write as much, if you are interested in this story – please let me know if you would like much smaller weekly updates/chapters in the meantime, or one long chapter that may take a few weeks to be updated?
> 
> Thanks for reading xx


	14. Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are not looking good for their relationship right now, can Robbie talk Gary around again?

## Us

_I can’t do this_

The four simple words hang in the air, and as if on a continuous loop, it was all Robbie could hear in his head. 

He starred into his boyfriend’s eyes, trying to read the meaning on Gary’s face. Then the realisation behind those words hit him like a tonne of bricks. 

All he could do was shake his head in denial, but his panicky thoughts went into overdrive, ‘No, this was not happening!’. He could feel his chest tighten as his heart beat started pounding hard against his ribs. His limbs began to involuntarily shake, as adrenaline ran through his veins, trying to fight against all his fears that threatened to become reality. It suddenly didn’t fill like he was in even in his own body, it felt like this was all happening to someone else, it couldn’t be real. Gary’s words continued to hammer in his mind yet still he refused to believe it, ‘he can’t mean that, he can’t do this!’ his thoughts ran frantically, but he did not dare to voice his thoughts, not daring to confirm them.

“Rob –” Gary tentatively started after some moment’s silence. His voice quiet and well considered. But Robbie was already back on his feet, meeting Gary and grabbing him by the elbows.  
“NO Gaz! Don’t do this! I beg you” in contrast to Gary’s tone, Robbie’s was shrill and frantic, as he continued pelting into panic overdrive. But Gary could only look sadly upon him, shaking his head, “I love you but –”  
“I love you too!”  
“BUT…I can’t get over this Rob, I’m sorry”

Gary shook himself free from Robbie’s touch. Robbie felt instantly sick.

“No, Gaz – please! I beg you please, don’t do this! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!” He yelled out of fear, as he felt the fresh sting of tears in his red eyes. But Gary’s only remained sad, “I need some space, I need some time away from you, away from _this_ ”, he evenly said, while waving a hand in the direction of the remains that day’s newspaper. It currently sat in a dishevelled pile on the coffee table, while the actual pages with the story had already been torn out and destroyed by Robbie earlier on.  
The tears in Robbie’s eyes grew larger, clouding his vision, “No Gaz, please – we can get over this, I know we can!” He cried with an emotional shudder, heaving tight breathes as his hysteria grew.  
“I thought so too, but not now”.  
“Why not?! Things were going so well between us, last night was amazing!”  
“I know, I thought so too, but then today with the papers – for Christ’s sake Rob everyone knows now!”  
Robbie furrowed his eyebrows, and scowled at Gary “So because it’s now in the papers – that’s what you care about?!” He accused, with a sting of bitterness in his voice. Gary couldn’t miss the air of disbelief on Robbie’s accusatory face, and immediately pursed his lips, defensively, furrowing his own brows in response, “Don’t you dare spin this around on me Rob, it’s not that at all - it’s the constant reminder! And it won’t go away, not ever!” He retorted with a stern tone - his voice becoming uneven for the first time.

Robbie sighed.  
“But it will! In time, you just have to give it t–”  
“No Rob, don’t you see? Now it’s out there, that’s it – it’ll always be there, and the papers won’t let me forget it, not ever – they’ll bring it up every time! And I just can’t deal with that Rob. I can’t keep being reminded of what you did to us!” His voice cracked. And finally Robbie began to see the emotion Gary was hiding. He could hear the evident distress in Gary’s voice, and the unyielding wall behind the older man’s eyes was beginning to crack, and Robbie could see the pain swimming in them.

But Robbie couldn’t give up, he wouldn’t. He moved closer to Gary once more, trying to pull him back to him.  
“But if we just try,’ he started, as calm as he could, “We’ll get through this together – they’ll get bored eventually, especially if they see it’s not affecting us, I know they will! Please Gaz, just give it some time, please!” He begged, his voice now hoarse under the strain of the emotion.

Gary’s eyes now swelled with tears, enough to match Robbie’s.  
“I can’t Rob!” He cried, shaking his head, “I need space, I’m sorry. I just can’t be here with you. Howard was right, I should’ve taken some time to figure this out, it was too soon coming back here, trying to act, trying to pretend we were moving on from it!” He heaved a heavy sigh and finally took a step towards Robbie’s sad figure and continued with a sad gentleness, “It was just all pretend Rob, don’t you see?! And I honestly thought I was strong enough to deal with all this…but I’m not Rob – I’m sorry I’m just not!”

Robbie looked deep into Gary’s eyes, they both stood so close now and finally they were both crying. He grabbed Gary to him, squeezing him into his chest, wanting to console and comfort him but also needing to keep him there with him, refusing to let him free.  
“No, you’re the strongest man I know Gaz,” he quietly comforted between heaving breaths, leaving butterfly kisses along the shorted man’s hairline, “you’re so much stronger than me. You can do this, you still love me – you said so yourself, so please don’t give up on me, on us, please!!!” He softly but so desperately cried. 

Gary let himself melt once more in Robbie’s arm, melt as he always did. He felt so safe in Robbie’s arms, so loved. His heart wished he could just stay in them forever, just as his heart wanted to believe Robbie’s words. But his head knew it was all merely make-believe and to stay here in Robbie’s arms would only lead to more heart ache, again and again. His heart was already broken, he couldn’t take anymore. He slowly inhaled Robbie’s scent before releasing a heavy sigh, and untangling himself from Robbie. He stepped slightly away from the taller man, both were still compromised with tears. 

When Gary finally spoke it was filled with pity for them both, “Oh Rob…don’t you see?! It can never be as it was, I wish it could, I hoped it could, and I honestly thought we could make it, but every time I look at you I’m reminded of what you did – how you kissed someone else, wanted someone else, fucked someone else! It’s in my head constantly; you chose someone else over me, chose to cheat on me. I can’t not picture it; seeing your face as you fucked them, likely the same face you use when you make love to me, and I can’t deal with that. I thought what we had was the most special relationship I’d ever had, and I thought it was forever. But now I realise it isn’t, because it was obviously never special enough for you not to cheat on us, and knowing that kills me, it kills me a little more each day. I thought in time I’d be strong enough to get over it, because I didn’t want to lose you, but all THIS in the papers, it’s just proves there is no getting over it Rob…because I just can’t, not when I’m here reminded of what you did every time I look at you”.

Robbie sobbed uncontrollably, he already knew this was goodbye.  
“Gaz – you…you a-are the M...MOST SPECIAL, MOST PRECIOUS PERSON IN MY L-LIFE!”  
“So your words say Rob, but your actions something else”. Gary sadly said.  
“Pleaaase don’t d-do this Gaz, I beg you, please!”

Gary shook his head. His mind was made up.

Robbie stood in silent shock, tears flowing, matching those in Gary’s eyes, freely falling down his face. He knew he looked a desperate mess but he didn’t care, he now felt nothing but his heart being teared in two and it was the most immense pain he could ever imagine.  
“I love you Rob, but I just can’t be with you, not now.” 

Robbie had no more words, he wasn’t even sure his voice would work even if he did. Gary understood why.  
“I’m sorry Rob – it’s over”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter I know, it’s just a small update. But what will happen now?! …There’s soooooo much more to come!  
> Thanks for reading & commenting, it means so much xx


	15. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is entirely seen from Robbie’s PoV, post-break up.

“It’s over”  
…

May 18th  
_I still can’t believe he actually said those words, I feared but never dreamt he really would say them…why did he have to say them?!_  
_Except I know why - because I broke his trust, his faith, because I cheated on him, on our love. I don’t think I could ever really properly admit that to myself, until now, that is. Now, I can see the mess I’ve created for what it is. I have completely fucked up!_  
_Not that is matters now, Gary’s broken up with me, that’s it.  
_ _It’s over._

_It’s been over a week since Gary left me, or more accurately, I was forced to move out of my own home. Fair enough the house is technically Garys, but it shattered my already broken heart, leaving him there, and the dogs. Our little home, our paradise was suddenly no more._  
_To his credit, Gary didn't ask me to leave, and he could easily have immediately done so, but of course, he didn’t. After the initial fall out that day he ended it, I in fact decided I needed to leave straightaway. Yes, I was completely distraught and couldn’t handle it, but also I thought if I immediately packed and made to leave, Gary would have second thoughts, realise his mistake and tell me to come back._  
_He didn’t.  
_ _What he did do however, was to go out of his way to avoid me while I was packing my things, and as I said goodbye to the dogs, he stood at the top of the stairs around the corner, just out of view. I knew he was there though, just like how I knew there were the same tears in his eyes, as there was in mine._

_So now here I am. Lying in my lonely kingsize bed, in my big empty house in my countryside mini-estate, writing this. I hate this house, always have. I never stay here, and to be honest I would've stayed in London, but with all the media still running the story, I needed to getaway.  
For the first couple of days, I locked myself away and refused to speak to anyone, including my family, I just couldn’t handle anyone else’s opinions about it all. That was until I quite unexpectedly got a call from Jason, of all people. Jason is still very angry with me – I can tell, because he told me, “Rob, I’m still very angry with you”, not so much about the cheating (that’s a matter that should stay only between me and Gaz, he said), but the secrets and lies, that’s what got to Jase. Yet, he called because he was worried about me. He knew Gary had a lot of people around him, notably Howard, whom Gary was always close to, but he also knew I’d seek solitude to ‘wallow in my own self-pity’ as he put it, and he was right, of course. He then kindly sat and listened to me going on about it all for 40 minutes, which basically consisted of me blubbering on at him, full of my tears and woes, and of course, the aforementioned self-pity in bucket loads. After providing a sympathetic ear, he did however suggest I write my all feelings down. Now, I’m not one for diary entries, yet that’s exactly what he did suggest – that I write my thoughts down into a journal rather than a song. I think (because again, he told me so) he’s worried I’ll write a song that will be vindictive and hurtful AND will undoubtedly find its way out into the public arena one day, which I will inevitably deeply regret – and thus, a diary would be saving me from myself. Looking back, without starring, I can see his point._

 

********************************

May 20th  
_FUCK! Why did I have to fucking screw everything up?!!?!!! I always have to destroy my own happiness – I’m such a fucking massive tool! I’ve lost everything, I’ve lost everything. Why, why, why , why?!!! I’m such a stupid prick!!!_

*********************************

May 21st  
_I fucking hate it! I fucking hate feeling like this!!!! I feel so angry, I’m so angry at myself – but also at Gaz – why didn’t he try, he said he’d try, yes I fucked up and tried to keep it from him, but he lied too. He said he’d try, he said he loved me too much to leave me. What a fucking liar!!!_

*********************************  
May 22nd  
_The thing that really pisses me off, is him making out that he wasn’t going to go to New York, but then the story comes out and yet suddenly it’s all already arranged. My arse! He was always going to go! Mark text me today to say Gary’s spoken to him, and told him he’s leaving for New York in a couple of days. Like, What the fuck?! There’s the small issue of our dogs to look after, OUR dogs!_

********************************  
May 23rd  
_Another day, another story! According to ‘sources’ in today’s Daily Mail, me and Gary were never a real proper couple and it was all just for publicity and to make fans happy! Are they kidding?! Jesus, how dumb can people get?! Yes, we’d put ourselves and families through so much stress and potential ridicule, for publicity! Like we even need it!  
I wonder if Gary’s seen it. I think I’ll ask Howard._

*********************************

May 24th  
_I miss him sooooo much. I need him soooo much. I need his touch, his kisses, his warmth, his smile, his sexy arms and hands gliding over my body, his daft jokes, his geeky vices, his love. I need his love!  
I need him back. I just need him, just him. _

*********************************

May 25th  
_Received a message from Gary, asking if I’d look after the dogs while he’s away. But when I went over there, he’d already left for the States. His mum was there though, and was surprisingly supportive! She gave me a massive hug, and told me how angry she was at the crap the papers were publishing. I’m glad she’s not too mad at me. I told her I was deeply sorry for what I did, and she simply said, ‘of course you are love, I know you regret it, and Gary does too. He’s just hurt and needs time to lick his wounds but it’ll all be ok, you’ll see – I still have lots of pages in my scrap book to fill on you two!’ Those were her exact words, I kid you not! It makes so much sense, I didn’t give Gary enough time to compartmentalise things, which is his 'thing' – that’s what he needed to do. I was so afraid of losing him, I was actually suffocating him in the process, and so it got to breaking point. But it’s all fixable, I see that now. I actually feel like I have a renewed energy now, knowing Gary’s own mum is rooting for us! Mrs Barlow rocks!_

********************************

May 26th  
_I found a note in with the dog’s stuff I collected from Gary’s yesterday, it was from Gaz, and it was beautiful, I just had to copy it down here:_  
‘Rob, I hope you are doing ok. I think about calling you every day just to check how you are doing, as it feels so unnatural not talking to you. I’m sorry, I chickened out on not saying goodbye to you the other day, when you left. I just couldn’t find the strength to watch you leave, even though I was the one that technically closed the door on ‘us’; but I want you to know, I’m not going to avoid you now on. I want us to be grown up about this, and get on with it, for the dogs and the band, and the fans of course. The dogs have missed you so much, I reckon we can easily sort a system in the meantime, so they can spend equal amount of time with both of us, as it doesn’t seem fair on them, otherwise.  
I’m out of the country until 6th June, but I’ve spoken to the lads about setting up a band meeting to lay out some plans thereafter. I’m thinking maybe when I get back, you and I can talk before this and have a chat; I don’t want the lads to feel awkward around us when we do all meet up. We’ve been through so much Rob, let’s just get on with it, I don’t want to be a stranger to you, not ever.’

_I feel so relieved and happy. I get to have the dogs here, and Gary wants to see me! I feel good about this, I really do!_

*********************************************

May 27th  
_Actually had a good decent night’s sleep for a change. I feel better for it, refreshed somehow, even though I went to bed with a thousand thoughts swimming around my head, there was only one constant in my dreams last night, that man – that wonderful, gorgeous man.  
I am going to get him back, I will do everything humanly possible to get that man back in my life where he belongs. He is the one. I know that, I want that - I just have to prove that to him, and I haven’t done that, not yet – and that’s the problem, that’s why he feels like he can’t trust me. To my folly, I hid from the talks of marriage, but only because I was worried thinking about the future when I was so happy in the present. I can fix this though, I know I can. I just have to show him. Gary will be mine, and I will be his. We’re meant for each other._

**************************************

May 30th  
_I miss him more every day, I cannot wait to see him when he gets back. I have so many regrets, Prague is of course, my biggest, but I should’ve told him, I should’ve got it out in the open straight away – I drank, and what happened was all a product of my problem with drink. If I’d told him, we could’ve worked through it but I didn't give him that option, I was just so afraid he’d reject me - but surely that proves just how important he is to me?! I just need him to understand that, and the trust will come back in time, I know it will. We’re meant to be!_

***************************************

June 4th  
_Two more days till Gaz is back. I messaged him saying I saw the note and think it’d be a great idea to have a chat. I kept it simple, only saying the dogs missed him (SUBTEXT: I miss him). He replied saying he missed the dogs too (SUBTEXT: I think he misses me too!). I ‘m really excited about seeing him, talking to him. I wonder if he’s shaven or growing out his beard, I wonder if he’s been thinking and dreaming about me as much as I have of him._

***************************************

June 6th  
_Howard called me asking if I’d heard from Gary, I told him Gary had messaged me about meeting up for a talk which is promising. He told me not to get my hopes up. Honestly, I’m not, but I do have a good feeling about this. Gary wants to see me, he doesn’t want to forget I exist, he wants us to talk._

***************************************

June 7th  
_Gary messaged late last night, asking if he could drive up here this afternoon, to talk (and collect the dogs). I’m so excited but so nervous too – I’ve got to get this right, I’ve got to stop my stupid mouth from ruining my chances of getting Gary back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I know it's a bit of a crappy chapter, just so busy right now. But I wanted to do a PoV chapter at some point and so this seemed a good place as any. Next chapter will see Gary’s PoV too, and they’ll have their chat & band meeting.
> 
> Thanks for reading & commenting, bear with me - it ill get better in terms of writing, but as for Robbie & Gary - I can't make any promises there! ;) x


	16. It’s Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter was all from Robbie’s PoV, and so it's only fair that this one is from Gary's PoV. The lads meet for the first time since the break up.   
> Enjoy.

[May 25th]  
Having already texted Rob (which took me approximately 20 minutes to word then pause on before sending), I’ve now been sat here perusing a letter I’ve been writing for the last hour. A letter for Robbie that I’ve planned to sneak in with the Dogs' toys bag. I’ve been so close to scrunching the paper up and just chucking it in the bin, in fact been close to that about 20 times already.   
I’m just so torn…  
I miss him so much, in fact I miss him more every day; because every day I wake up, and for a split second or two I forget he’s not lying beside me, I even forget what he did, and it is bliss. It’s bliss for about 2 seconds. But then I remember; I remember why I’m in a bed alone, I remember what he did, and I can’t help but still picture it all in my head, him with some man-whore in a dirty hotel room, and it makes me sick to the stomach, in fact it makes me hate him!  
But then the hate eventually passes and the image fades, and all that’s left is my love for him, and I just miss him, I miss him so much. I want to call him, to talk to him, but I can’t. Every time I pick up the phone to call, I stop myself – but is it the hurt that stops me, and the unwillingness to forgive, or is it pride and stubbornness that keeps me from calling, I just don’t know anymore. 

I check the letter once more, it basically explains how I think we should equally share custody of the dogs, but it seems so sterile and formal; yet there is something I’ve been thinking of adding – I’m going out the country, and I hope that gives me time to think on this all, but I think I want to see Robbie, I want to talk to him. I hope he does too.   
Finally reaching a decision, I eventually add: 

_“I’m out of the country until 6th June, but I’ve spoken to the lads about setting up a band meeting to lay out some plans thereafter. I’m thinking maybe when I get back, you and I can talk before this, just to have a chat; I don’t want the lads to feel awkward around us when we do all meet up. We’ve been through so much Rob, let’s just get on with it, I don’t want to be a stranger to you, not ever.”_

I haven’t actually spoken to the lads at all, but I needed an excuse, and so if he agrees to it, I suppose I better actually set up a band meeting!

***************************************************************

 

[June 2nd]  
I received a message from Robbie today. He‘d seen the note. He thought it was a great idea to have a chat, which is a relief. It was a simple message, and I honestly don’t know what to make of it – I can’t tell if he’s ok, distressed or angry at me for ending it. The stupid thing is, he said the dogs missed me, and I accidently misread that at first and thought he’d said HE missed me, and in my haste I went to reply: ‘I miss you too’ – thankfully I reread it, and instead replied that I missed THEM too (meaning the dogs) – thus evading a very awkward and embarrassing situation!

***************************************************************

 

[June 7th]  
Work was great! I find getting my head stuck into work is the best way to forget about all the other troubles in my life – I can literally escape into my world! It’s brilliant! Plus, the time away was just what I needed, and in some ways I wish I had done that to begin with. I should’ve just stayed at Dougie’s in the first place like he said, and then left for a bit. Things might’ve been so much different now. Speaking of Howard, he called me shortly after I landed – said he’d heard I was going around to see Robbie which he said was a great start but to take it slowly. He also said he was surprised to hear it was primarily due to the band, as it was news to him that the band were even meeting up soon (yep, I’d forgotten to set that up with the other lads) but seemed glad and eager for it – he hates being bored does Dougie! 

I’ve been dreaming about Robbie a lot, and I really don’t feel prepared to meet him today, I suppose in my head I have no idea what frame of mind I’m going to find Robbie in. He might be in an ok mood, or he might be in a bitchy vindictive mood – I just hope either way, he’s reasonable. I messaged him earlier to say I’d be over this afternoon, except here I am still standing in the mirror, trying to figure out what to wear and whether to shave...am I dressing up too much?! Should I play it down?! I trimmed my stubble, so maybe that’s enough. I don’t think I should look too good, if you know what I mean.   
After settling for simple trackies and a hoodie, with fluffy hair but tidy stubble, I head out the door for the long drive up the M6. To say I had 'butterflies' in my tummy was an understatement – the mixture of longing excitement to see Robbie again, but with the nervousness and uncertainty of the outcome, was a lethal combination for my stomach, and made for an uncomfortable drive.

As I pull up the very long drive I see a figure quickly dash behind the curtain, and I can tell Robbie has been waiting, looking out for my arrival – I can’t help but feel a small smile creep across my face, at Robbie’s cuteness. I park the car and walk the remaining steps to the door, each filling me with more nervous anticipation. I take a last deep breath, still completely clueless on what I’m about to say to him, and ring the bell. He opens it in less than 10 seconds – he was obviously right behind the door waiting for me, probably feeling exactly the same.  
“Hi” I say, trying to sound brightly but not too chirpy.  
“Hi” he replies and I instantly feel his eyes look me up and down. “you look great, Gary” he shyly adds, and I suddenly feel self-conscious as I check him out too – he’s wearing my favourite top, the top I always get him to wear because I love him in it, and he knows that, and he’s wearing it. I’m completely flustered already as I try to avoid looking at it, and his body in general, because otherwise he’ll know that it’s done its job, which for some reason annoys me a bit, but it’s hard because he looks so gorgeous in that top! It really is my favourite.  
“Come in, the dogs have missed you so much”, he says as he beckons me into his home. I’ve not been here much before, we never spent time here as a couple on account that Robbie said he openly hates the place, which is why it surprised me that he chose solitude in it after the break up. But looking around it’s not bad.   
“Where are they? – the pups?!” I ask as I look around the spacious front room, incredibly bereft of canines. “They’re out the back”, he says, “I thought you might want to chat without them, but I can go get them if you want?”   
“No, it’s fine – good idea” I say, trailing off. A silence falls, and it's less than comfortable, as we both stay there standing in the entrance to the sitting room. Both sensing the awkward tension building up in the silence, we comically both simultaneously try to break it by accidently starting at the same time… “So –“ we say in perfect unison, a small apologetic chuckle follows before we both in chorus add, “sorry, you go –“ …more nervous smiles before he simply beckons me to sit down and asks me to start. I am still inwardly slightly flummoxed with not really knowing what to say or how to say it, so I start with the dogs. “So erm,” I begin, “– what I was thinking of is, with the pups, that we have a routine of you having them for 5 days and then I have them for 5, and so on. That way it shouldn’t disrupt them too much, or mean too much travelling for them, particularly with coming up here each week”.   
Robbie simply nods, “sounds great but don’t worry about bringing them up here, I’m heading back to London next week. Got an apartment sorted.”  
“Oh...ok,” I say trying to disguise my surprise, “Well that’ll certainly make things easier”. I gently smile, and Robbie smiles back. He’s got a lovely smile and it always makes my insides turn to jelly, and just makes me want to kiss him, kiss him all over.   
But I can’t.  
“I guess on to the band then…” I add after a minute or so of silence. I take a deep steadying breath, “so, the thing is Rob, I don’t want there to be any awkwardness between us in front of the lads, not while we’re going through this. I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable, after all we did promise them when we got together, we wouldn’t let it interfere with Take That”.  
“Absolutely”, Robbie agrees.   
“Good” I can’t believe how easy this is going. Robbie’s being so mature and reasonable, I thought he’d be more uncompromising than this, basically his usual emotional self, but he’s being oddly calm, and restrained. I continue, “I figure we can just get on with things Rob, just get in the studio and work. We can meet the guys and discuss how it’ll work but I don’t have any problem working with you, and I hope you have none working with me too”.  
“Of course, I don’t, Gary”  
“Good” I smile.  
“But –” he starts, and my insides freeze, “I was thinking, if it makes things easier, maybe I should do the honourable thing and back off a little, maybe not join in with this album, I mean it’s not like we’ve gone public with the plans, no one knows yet, I could just take a step back and no one would be none the wiser, I don’t mind.”  
I feel my eyebrows frown at that. It’s not what I want at all, “Well I do mind, Rob - I don’t want you to. You are, and always will be part of Take That!”   
Robbie smiles sweetly, “I know that Gaz, I really do, but I also know you guys can do it all really well without me too.”  
“Well, maybe I should be the one to take a step back for a change then, I mean I’ve got loads else on anyway, and we did say the Take That line up will be changeable from now on, that includes me”.   
Robbie looks at me as if I’ve grown two heads, “are you kiddin’ me?!” he laughs, more incredulously than harshly, “You can’t do that! You are Take That!”  
“That’s not true, we’re all equal in Take That”  
“Yeah, but seriously Gaz, we’re all equal in knowing you basically are Take That!”  
“No, I’m not Rob!”  
“You bloody well are Gaz, and you must realise that for Christ's sake, so stop talking ridiculous”  
“Ok, I lead on a lot but that doesn’t mean I can’t be replaced!”  
“YES, IT BLOODY DOES!!!” Robbie suddenly yells, as his whole calm exterior is stripped away in an instant, “You are COMPLETELY irreplaceable, you must realise that! No one could ever take your place, EVER!” His shrill voice cuts through the tension in the air, emotion filling every syllable, as it becomes quite obvious he’s not only talking about the band, if at all. He stops and takes a deep calming breath.  
“Besides,” he continues after a little while, now more composed, “You always said no one would be replaced.”  
I can’t help but smile at that, “True” is all I say.  
“You may find it hard accepting it Gaz, but you are the heart of Take That, and that much is obvious to us all”.  
“But if I’m the heart, then you’re the soul – all of you are” I reasoned, feeling my cheeks flush.  
“Fine – we’re ALL the soul”, he rolls his eyes at me, “but the point being Gaz, you not being part of the next album is out of the question, but me, it’s likely more accepted that I’ll not be part of it, than part of it” he says with a glum dejected expression.  
I leave where I’m sitting to kneel in front of him, and coax his head up until his eyes meet mine, “Rob – like I always say, you are and always will be part of the band, and I want you on that album, so unless you really don’t want to be part of it, I expect you to be there”, I say gently with a smile, hoping he agrees.  
He smiles at me, in almost a child-like innocent way, and agrees immediately, “I do too, Gaz – thank you”, he says quietly. We both pause there, at less than an arm’s length apart, looking into each other’s eyes, and it feels like the perfect time to reach across the divide and kiss. I want to kiss him, I want to fall into his arms and let it all be over – the separation, the anger, the heartache; and I know he’ll kiss me back if I do, of course he will…he will won’t he? …I really want to kiss him.   
But what if he doesn’t kiss me back?!   
What if this reasonable attitude he’s got, is because he’s accepted we’re over, and is even happy about it, I mean he did say he’s sorted an apartment.  
Still our eyes linger on each other, and the feeling of butterflies in my stomach refuses to let up. I think about making a move, I could always nudge my head a little forward to see what he does…  
But instead I wait, and then slowly I realise I can’t. The moment passes us, as I falter at the last minute and instead look away from him; I stand up, turning my eyes to the floor which is as painful as ripping a plaster off. As I clear my throat I feel his entire frame deflate somewhat and I turn back to him, to see his smile is gone, “So the pups?” I gingerly ask after a moment.  
Robbie seems to shake himself from his reverie and gets up from the sofa, still unsmiling, “I’ll go get them for you”.  
As soon as he leaves the room, I vent my frustration in a series of exasperated profanities; “for fuck sake”, “fucking idiot’, “what the actual fuck is wrong with me?!” …I literally have no clue anymore. I don’t even know what I want, except that I love Robbie so much, and I know my heart belongs to him, but… AND that’s it right there, there is always a ‘but’ now, and that’s my head, my head overruling my heart.   
I need to get out of here.  
As soon as the dogs enter the room, they are of course all over me, barking, jumping, licking, tails wagging so hard they’ll likely drop off, and my previous confused feelings are pushed to the back of my mind.  
We play together with the dogs for a little while and have a laugh, and then I realise it’s getting late and the drive back is long. When I relay this to Robbie, he looks like he’s about to ask me something but then changes his mind, I smile sadly at him and say I’d better be heading off. He kisses the dogs and says his goodbyes as they hastily run off to jump in the back of my Land Rover. They don’t know what’s going on, they just think they’re going home, they’ve no idea Robbie isn’t coming with us…  
– they’re lucky. 

As I follow the dogs and make to leave, I turn back to Robbie, having thought a few minutes on what I want to say to him, “Rob – I want you to know, I know this is complicated but will try my hardest to make sure there is no awkwardness between us; I want us to get along, to just get on with it, and I have full confidence in us, that we can do just that. I meant what I said in that letter – I don’t want to be strangers; we have the dogs, we have the band, our history and most importantly, our friendship – we can do this, I know we can”.  
Robbie finally smiles at me, but it’s a sad smile and doesn’t last long. It tells me that he knows we can get on with things too, but wishes it wasn’t all necessary. Once more, I regret not kissing him earlier. Now the moment's gone, I'm worried it’ll never come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience, sorry for lack of update last week, it was a very busy weekend and week for me. Next week will likely be the same, and so I can’t guarantee an update next week, but you’ll get double helpings each week from then on over the summer. In the next chapter, all the guys will have the first band meeting since the breakup, and begin to hash out plans for writing/recording a new album, but will things run smoothly between Gary & Robbie, as much as they hoped?  
> Thanks for reading and for all your lovely comments, it’s very much appreciated. Xx


	17. Trying to Move On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The band meets for the planning/writing/recording of a new TT album, but will things run smoothly between Gary & Robbie, or will resentment and hurt get the better of them?

Two weeks had passed since that talk between Gary and Robbie.   
It had taken nearly two weeks for everyone’s diaries to be in-sync, and finally get into a studio. The first meeting with the other lads had led to a lot of awkwardness, and tension. Robbie and Gary were trying to be both overly and overtly nice to each other, living by the pretence that ‘everything is fine’, while the other lads looked like they’d actually rather be anyway else. The tension was evident, and the play acting was obvious – they were trying to move on, but there was still a long way to go. That said, the lads were reassured by both Gary and Robbie, that they would try hard to ‘keep their shit together’ (as Robbie put it), to help things along more quickly. They above all, promised it wouldn’t affect Take That, not ever. Howard, and the others left that night, far from convinced, but were relieved to find Gary and Robbie could at least be in an actual room together; could even talk about working together, and seemed to be on the same page on that respect. It was at least, a good start. However later that first night, Jason shared with Howard, that he suspected where Gary & Robbie’s relationship was or wasn’t going – definitely seemed to be of differing opinion to both parties involved, well, at least if Jason could read people’s eyes, as well, as he thought he could.

 

A few days on, and Gary arrived at the studio first, as he always did. They had booked a conference room for 4 hours and then a sound desk & recording booth for an hour after that. Today, as every day, started with no pressure, but just about talking through ideas on direction and testing some sounds & lyrics.  
Carrying his beloved laptop, Gary walked through the familiar front glass doors of the small North London studio, and smiled at the receptionist on the front desk who was too busy engaged on the phone to talk, and so he made his way over to the lifts.   
“Mr Barlow” a nervous voice suddenly called after him as he made his approach to the lift’s open doors. Gary had already stepped inside but stopped the doors from closing, to allow a flustered young intern to catch up to him, “Mr Barlow–”, the nervy intern repeated, “there was a message left for you, for when you came in…” Gary nodded, allowing the young intern to hurriedly continue, “there’s a new studio account manager designated to Take That, and he said he’d like to talk to you if you get a moment today, if that’s ok?” said the stammering 20-something, to which Gary simply smiled and replied, “no problem – what’s their name?”   
“errr…” the intern faltered, and hastily checked through the pile of notes in her arms, “Lucas Harris-Turner, and he’s already upstairs waiting for you, if you have time that is”.  
“Thank you”, Gary grinned and even offered a wink, which made the intern smile with relief as she darted back to the front desk, still visibly shaking.   
As soon as the doors of the elevator closed however, the smile dropped and Gary sighed; so another studio bureaucrat to smile at, he thought to himself, and no doubt more forms to sign. Yet, he was confused as to why this new guy wanted to speak to him in particular, after all this kind of thing was usually what their manager, or his assistant, dealt with.

Gary took a sip from the Costa coffee cup he’d been holding, as he shoved his way through the door of the conference room they had been writing in lately. Stepping into the room, he immediately found himself not alone. Leaning on the desk, engrossed with his phone, stood a tall man with slick blond hair and an incredibly smart suit that barely concealed the contoured muscles lurking beneath. Gary assumed this was in fact, the new account manager the intern had told him about.  
“Ah good”, the smiling stranger brightly announced as he watched Gary enter. Mr Harris-Turner immediately put his phone away, and walked over to meet Gary; “Mr Barlow, it is a pleasure to meet you at last”, he said with a friendly air. Gary happily returned the smile, and they shook hands.   
“I imagine you’re surprised I asked to speak with you, and the honest truth is I never usually have direct contact with the artists, as I usually go through managers only; but since I’ve taken over this studio region (what with the closure of our smaller studio south of the river), I thought it’d be a great opportunity to build more of a relationship with those that actually use the studio, such as yourself, and consequently, hopefully, offer more of a bespoke service – more than you’ve previously experienced here”.  
If Gary was honest, he’d heard of this kind of sales talk before, the studio company was obviously experiencing some hard times if they’ve had to close down one studio already, and so basically want to make sure big artists like Take That will continue to use this studio, by laying on the personal touch.   
“That said, I have to admit the real reason I wanted to talk to you” Lucas Harris-turner continued somewhat sheepishly, “To you, in particular, I mean…see, I’ve followed your career, and I heard along the way that you know a lot about vintage music equipment – keyboards/synthesisers, and you’re even a bit of a pedal buff” Lucas said with a large smile, “…and well, when we closed down that smaller studio we found a load of old equipment there, and I wondered if there’d be anything there you’d be interested in, or anything you could give your expertise on, that you think would be worth auctioning? There’s some typical MXR & Maxon pedals but there’s a few interesting ones too”.  
Mr Harris-Turner needn't have tried to sell the idea to Gary, for the words, ‘vintage’, ‘synthesisers’ and ‘pedals’ all in the same sentence was enough to start Gary drooling already - it was his weakness, and absolute secret passion. Gary therefore nodded his agreement, so ferociously, he later worried it must have looked like his head was on a spring. But Lucas simply smiled, and rubbed his hands together, ‘brilliant!’ he exclaimed, we’ll have to get you over there!”  
“That’d be great” Gary replied, trying to act more casual, yet in his mind, he was already thinking on where to make spare room at home, for the added equipment.

“Well, it’s a date then...and I imagine it’ll be nice to get out of here for a bit anyway!” Lucas suddenly said. The suggestion was enough to pull Gary out of his reverie, and his brows furrowed perplexedly as he considered Lucas’ words. “I don’t know what you mean, there’s nothing I love more than being in the studio with the band!” he declared, honestly.  
“Well, of course!…but it can’t easy, working with your Ex, I mean.” Lucas remarked.  
Gary’s eyebrows furrowed once more, deepening the creases in his forehead, “I…we’re working on it, but it’s actually going ok so far, we’re staying mature about the whole thing”.  
“Wow – that’s honestly nice to hear, I’m really glad to hear that. I can’t imagine how it must be to have to work with my Ex, after he cheated and ended it with you like that.”  
“But I en– …I mean…look, I’d prefer not to talk about it, if that’s ok?”  
“Of course, sorry – I meant no offence”  
“None taken, it’s just best we don’t talk about it” – but even as Gary said that, he knew his own curiosity had the best of him, “…but…em…why did you think he was the one that _ended_ it with me, out of interest?”   
“Well, he cheated on you, didn’t he?! – he may not have directly dumped you, but him choosing to sleep with someone else, I mean, deep down that’s gotta tell you he wasn’t happy. He was in effect, choosing to hurt you rather than be with you, call it an excuse, but the intention is clear, HE likely wanted to end it with YOU – at least, that’s how I saw it when I was cheated on, anyway”.  
Gary would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it that way too, after all, that was his fear all along. He was afraid that no matter what came out of Robbie’s mouth, the apologies, the confessions of love; that deep down Robbie was only saying that to spare Gary’s feelings. Plus, Robbie really had seemed fine with it all when Gary went over to his to talk to him the other week, maybe it was because Robbie was actually relieved it was all over with now. It was then Gary became supremely thankful he hadn’t attempted to kiss Robbie that night after all, the rejection would have been just too much.  
“Look, I’ve spoken out of line – I didn’t mean to rake up the past for you guys” – Lucas said with seemingly genuine regret, after seeing how Gary's face had dropped.  
“No, it’s ok, really” Gary tried to reassure him, “but erm, how about you just let me know when you want to pop over to that studio”, he said, hoping Lucas would get the hint that the conversation was over.  
“Absolutely, I look forward to it", he smiled and offered his hand to Gary.  
Gary returned the smile and shook his hand. Lucas thankfully left shortly after. Gary didn’t mean to be rude, but the last thing he needed that morning was his head full of his and Robbie’s failed relationship.  
***********************************************************************************

 

“So, is that for the 2nd verse too, or just the 1st?” Mark asked, as Gary made adjustments to the chords on his laptop.  
“First for now, we can switch it later, but I reckon we should just leave that track for now, I don’t feel like we’re getting anywhere productive, with it today”, Gary reasoned with a commanding but unbossy tone, “Mark, how about we look at that track I sent you yesterday? What you reckon lads?” All the lads immediately nodded their agreement, and they proceeded to the next track. All of them would agree, one of Gary’s numerous strong qualities was being adept to recognise the general writing mood, and they all trusted his decisions in keeping the creative flow going. Plus, he was after all, confident at being the ‘authoritative voice of reason’ in the group, making the call, when others might sit on the fence, so to speak.

They continued working on tracks right up to lunch time, when a tall smartly dressed blond man suddenly waltzed in. The others all looked at the intruder with confusion, only Gary recognised him and waved a hand in his direction (with headphones on and engrossed in music, it was all he could offer in that moment). Lucas Harris-Turner greeted the other four lads, remaking of how a pleasure it was to finally meet them all, although he appeared to barely acknowledge Robbie. Once Gary was off the headphones however, his full attention turned to the Captain, “So Mr Barlow, as it turns out, you’re a very busy man” he remarked in a slow low tone. Robbie’s every sense was on high alert hearing that tone, he knew that tone very well, he used that tone, but what he didn’t understand was a) who the fuck was this guy, b) how was Gary already familiar with him, and c) WHY was this random guy using THAT tone talking to _his_ Gary. Ok, so technically he was no longer _HIS_ Gary, but as far as Robbie was concerned, that was only temporary.   
Gary however, didn’t seem to sense any special tone, or pay any attention to it, but that didn’t stop Lucas, as he continued, “I inquired with your assistant if you had a spare moment to join me over at the other studio, but apparently your schedule is chock-a-block, so I’ve come up with another solution!”   
“Oh?” Gary replied with curiosity, as Robbie continued to look on with a strange look, purposely hiding the mix of emotions behind his eyes.   
“I’ve asked an intern to go over to the studio, and take photos of the equipment for you to see – she’s already sent me photos of 20 items that might interest you”, Lucas spoke candidly, as he brought out his phone.  
“Oh wow!” Gary reacted with what can only be described as polite and quiet excitement, perhaps he was conscious of how the other lads would take the mick out of him if he went ‘full-geek’. He reached out a hand in Lucas’ direction, ready to peruse through the catalogue of photos, but Lucas’ whipped the phone back into a chest pocket, momentarily flashing his sharp pinstriped shirt that lay hidden under his slick grey suit.  
“Actually”, Lucas said with a wiry smile, “I thought we could have a look through them at lunch, you do take lunch right?” he asked with a raised questioning brow.  
“Sure, we were about to take a break soon, anyway – is that alrigh’ lads, if I go now?” Gary asked them. They all readily agreed, but one who stayed stoically silent. Jason took the other three lads’ lunch orders and left for a food run, shortly after Gary left to have lunch alone with the tall studio account manager. The ‘smarmy’ account manager, Robbie would’ve added. He did not like the guy in the least, and from what he could tell, the feeling was obviously mutual. 

When Jason had returned with food, Robbie could only sit there quietly seething while the others chatted around him; barely talking, his mind was instead consumed by the exchange between Gary and Lucas, and he didn’t like it. The others would throw a question at him, every now and then, but all he offered in return was grumbling more than anything. He felt pissed off, but without knowing rightly why, only that it was mostly directed at the Lucas guy, but also at Gary. How dare he go off like that, when they’re supposed to be working! This was majorly Gary’s idea, to start work now, and yet there he goes, swanning off to have lunch with random slimy guys! At which point Robbie had actually began to voice the thoughts running in his head, he knew not, but from the look of astonishment on Mark’s face, that’s exactly what he had just unknowingly done.  
“Rob, it’s just a lunch break – it’s not like Gary’s shirking work for crying out loud!” Mark gently scolded.   
“I know Mark, I just meant, it’s a bit cheeky of that account manager to usurp Gary’s only free time like that. I was looking forward to us all having lunch together.   
“We’ve had lunch together every other time we’ve been here, Rob, just relax would you, he’ll be back soon”, Howard advised, getting a vague idea of the meaning behind Robbie’s words. The younger man was obviously still struggling with recent events.  
Robbie didn’t have to wait long. Gary returned some 40 minutes later, cheerily talking about the equipment he’d just procured. Robbie was barely looking at him, not that Gary noticed. He was on a high, a high only the finding of rare pedals, induced.   
Back at work, the afternoon wore on, and more track ideas were laid down. But eventually the lads came to an expected ebb in the creative flow, and decided to take a tea break. Gary and Robbie hadn’t technically spoken to each other since before lunch. For Gary’s part, he wasn’t sure why, but Robbie seemed in a frosty mood, and he felt it best to not bring attention to it. From Robbie’s point of view, however, he felt like Gary was not validating his feelings; how Robbie must feel to see Gary getting on with everything like he’s completely over the two of them, when Robbie meanwhile, was still so evidently struggling with the separation. Then on top of that, to see Gary go and have lunch with a random guy who was outrageously flirting with him. It all had Robbie in more than a prickly mood, that’s for sure.   
Then suddenly, while they were all chatting and drinking a fresh brew, Gary finally broke the silence between the two of them, “Rob – I was wondering”, he began quietly, “Would it be ok if I drop the dogs at yours tomorrow night, instead of tonight? It’s just I’ve got a surprise appearance on later tonight, and timings are pretty tight, it’d just make things so much easier”.  
Robbie however, was not in a mood to make Gary’s life easier, far from it, he felt his vindictive side seeping in, “But that wasn’t the deal was it, Gaz?! You said five nights at yours, then five at mine!” He said uncompromisingly.  
Gary was taken aback, he had not expected that response at all, “um…yeah I realise that, but it would just be this once…” he reasoned gently, “– look how about they spend the next six nights at yours to make up for it, I’m away the beginning of next week anyway, so that’d really work for the best”.  
Robbie frowned, “Ahh, so actually you’re trying to palm them off on me but make it look you’re doing me a favour?!”  
Gary looked shocked at that, “No not at all, Rob – honestly, be reasonable!”  
Howard, Mark and Jason had all been retreating right into the back of their chairs, trying to physically shrink away from the quarrelling pair, staying deafly silent until Gary’s last word. After which, they collectively sighed, knowing it would serve only to aggravate Robbie all the more so.  
And true enough, it did; “Yes, because I’m always the unreasonable one!” Robbie yelled.  
“Well, right now you are, you must see that!” Gary implored.  
But Robbie wouldn’t listen, “I don’t see that at all. All I see is you dodging your responsibility to OUR dogs, and OUR agreement, just to suit you and your bloody precious schedule!”   
Gary glowered at that, of course Robbie would bring up his work schedule for the 100th time, he inwardly fumed, but that’s where it stayed, in his head. He took a breath, and in a calmer voice he offered, “I’m just trying to be fair, Rob, honestly – I thought you’d understand that, and love the chance to spend more time with them.”  
“Yeah I’m sure that was your first thought!”, Robbie retorted, “but whatever, I want the dogs at mine tonight, for 5 nights as originally agreed, so if you’re not back in time, you’ll just have to make other arrangements won’t you!”  
Having sat back in silence until now, Mark saw an opportunity to calm things down, “How about I pick the dogs up from Gary’s and drop them off at yours Rob, and then I can take them for a night ready for when Gary gets back?” He offered with a smile.  
“Thanks Mark that’d be amazing, mate!” Gary replied.  
Robbie looked between the two men, huffed and walked into the recording booth, carrying a sheet of lyrics. Gary could only sigh sadly, looking apologetically at the other lads, “Thanks again Mark, I am really grateful…and I’m so sorry you guys had to see that”, I didn’t want to cause an argument, I genuinely thought he’d be ok with it.   
“Don’t worry about it mate” Howard offered, “and if it’s any consolation, I don’t honestly think that was about the dogs, I think he’s just having a hard day.”   
Gary nodded his understanding but remained unconvinced. 

The rest of the afternoon passed without incident but the atmosphere was far from tranquil, or productive. Eventually, Gary left the studio to get to the planned surprise appearance, leaving his keys with Mark, who also left the studio shortly thereafter to collect the dogs from Gary’s. After Jason had also left, Howard was left alone with Robbie, and immediately took the opportunity to talk some sense into man, “Honestly Rob, what the fuck is wrong with you?!”   
A deflated Robbie avoided eye contact and fixed his view in front of him, staring into an empty glass on a table, “I don’t know what you mean?” was all he could offer.  
“I thought you wanted Gary back?!” Howard asked.  
“Of course I do!” Robbie immediately replied, finally flicking his eyes into Howard’s direction, sitting up straighter.  
“Then why are you acting like a completely immature git?!” Howard challenged.  
“I’m not!”  
“Are you kiddin’ me?! You were acting like a four year old throwing their toys out the pram, earlier on!”  
“Four, is way too hold to be in a pram, Howard”, Robbie smirked.  
Tutting, Howard wasn’t in the mood for Robbie’s jokes, “You know what I mean, and what was that all about anyway?!”  
“Nothing, I was just pissed off at him for going back on his word s’all. He’s all for being civil when he wants something, never mind MY feelings…he doesn’t give a shit about me!”  
“THAT is not true, honestly Rob, I literally have no clue what you’re talking about, - are you actually trying to say all that earlier wasn’t because of something else, or _someone_ else?!  
Robbie starred at him with confusion, “What’s that supposed to mean?”  
Howard rolled his eyes, “I saw you earlier, shooting daggers at that account manager when he was talking to Gary”.  
Robbie bitterly laughed at that, “What - you expect me to be happy when some smarmy guy, some fucking studio rep is blatantly hitting on my boyf- …on my ex-boyfriend?!”  
“He wasn’t hitting on him, Rob.”  
“He absolutely was Howard! I KNOW he was! He’s obviously gay, and he knows about me and Gary, and obviously fancies Gary, as of course he would! He was hitting on Gary right in front of me, and there was nothing I could do! Do you know how that feels?!” Robbie sunk into a nearby chair, feeling helpless and depressed, “…So I think I’m allowed to be more than slightly pissed off about it” he grumbled.  
Howard sighed and sat down next to Robbie, “But was Gary flirting back? Was he flirting with him?”  
Robbie sniggered at that, but a soft smile lingered on his mouth as his thoughts drifted to Gary, “Of course not, Gary doesn’t know how to flirt, and to be honest, is completely oblivious to anyone trying to flirt with him - why do you think it took 20 years for us to get together in the first place?!” he laughed at the memories.  
Howard smiled too. “True, but don’t you see, that only validates my point! – Why take it out on Gary, if he’s no clue or no part in you being angry in the first place? If you want to get him back Rob, playing the jealous, unreasonable and immature Ex, is not going to do it. He’s not interested in flirting with anyone else, he just wants to get on and make an amazing album, so give him a break and stop over-thinking would you?!” He implored.  
Robbie sighed and finally nodded, “Fine, but I know that guy’s interested in Gary!”  
“Well, then you best make sure you don’t give Gary any cause to wander to the dark side and get with a flamin’ studio rep of all people!” He winked mischievously.  
“It’s not funny Howard, this is my life! Yes, I was a bit of a dick to him just then but it’s only because I’m afraid of losing him for good!”  
“I get that Robbie, but Gary doesn’t know any of this, he only knows that you made a massive drama of having the dogs a day later”.  
Robbie nodded, inwardly kicking himself, and feeling sick to the stomach - for he knew Howard was right.  
“You have got to calm the fuck down Rob, otherwise if you keep acting like that then honestly, you do risk losing him for good, so I’m begging you to dial it back, because there’s nothing I want more than to see you guys back together, truly”.   
Robbie smiled sadly at that, and nodded. “I know….I know”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep I've introduced an OC, and he will be causing trouble for the 'lost' lovers!
> 
> Thank you for your patience, I've been so busy lately but this story will now continue with it's weekly updates, with also twice weekly updates on occasions over the summer break, starting with next week. Thanks for all your lovely comments xx


	18. Beneath My Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will things get better between the lads, as they are forced to work together? Will the other TT guys be able to maintain the peace?

## Beneath My Thoughts

After the little spat about their dogs, things actually settled down, and all the lads got down to work. Much to Robbie’s dismay however, Lucas was still loitering around, and as far as Robbie was concerned, it was far too much for a studio rep to be doing. Lucas’ excuse was he was providing a bespoke service. Not that Robbie believed that for a second, “yeah right, I know exactly the kind of ‘bespoke service’ to wants to give Gaz!” he angrily told Mark one afternoon, but received only a roll of Mark’s eyes in response. Robbie was still adamant that was Lucas was after Gary, to him it was just so obvious, but his bandmates were less than inclined to believe him, “He’s just being friendly, Rob!” the other’s would collectively tell him. “Yeah, real friendly to one band member only!” Robbie would retort, “doesn’t that concern you, at all?! I mean it’s like the rest of us don’t even exist to him!”  
“Are you saying you would prefer the guy give you more attention then, ey Rob?” Howard said with a knowing smile.  
“That smarmy git! No thanks! I just don’t get why Gaz lets the slimy prat monopolise his time so much – he was talking to him in the lobby for twenty damn minutes this morning!”  
“Oh my god, Rob – a whole TWENTY minutes! What was he honestly thinking?!” Mark said with a wry smile, and Robbie couldn’t mistake the sarcastic tone.  
“Ha ha, very funny, but it’s not like Gaz, he doesn’t stand around chatting with studio reps, or any reps for that matter!” Robbie moaned.  
“Oh, I see what’s going on, you’re jealous!” Howard’s knowing smile grew bigger.  
“I’m NOT! I just think it’s obvious–”  
“Look – I know where you’re going with this, and you don’t need to worry, Gary is not interested in him…” Jason said calmly.  
“Hah! SO you admit you think Lucas fancies him, too!”  
Mark rolled his eyes once more, “EVERYONE fancies Gaz, I mean, even me a little, and I’m only half-kiddin’! But that doesn’t mean you have anything to worry about, even if he is after Gary. If I were you, I’d concentrate on making sure Gary knows YOU still care about him! …oh, and get these bloody lyrics done too why you’re at it!” Mark joked as he threw a notepad in Robbie’s direction.  
Despite himself, Robbie couldn’t help but smile.

****************************************************************************

 

“Erm, Rob – we’re ready for you…whenever you’re ready” Gary gently called out to him from the sound desk. They (along with a sound engineer) were the only ones left in the studio. The other lads had gone home, since the lines left to record were all Robbie’s. The two ex-lovers had, perhaps intentionally, not been left alone together since that first talk before the band meeting. It was perhaps partly to avoid awkwardness (since they still didn’t really know how to act around each other yet), but also partly because of the tension it caused. They both sensed it – it was after all, the same tension that had encapsulated them both for 20+ years, pulling them together and tearing them apart in equal measure. And for nearly 20+ years they hadn’t realised the real meaning behind all that tension, only the fear it brought with it, but now, they knew very well what it all meant. They couldn’t help themselves, they never could. From stolen glances to long lingering looks, awkward silences to complete unadulterated ‘eye sex’, the other lads had all noticed it too, but it instead gave them secret hope that a Barlliams reunion would soon be on the cards! They all thought it was surely only a matter of time before one finally cracked and kissed the other. Gary often thought this himself too, he missed Robbie so much; talking to him, kissing him, cuddling him, just being with him - which is why most of the time he avoided alone time with Robbie, to simply save himself the pain of not having him.

Robbie, was desperate himself.  
He was so anxious to get Gary back that he was growing impatient; he just wanted to go over and grab him, he wanted to kiss him all over his stupid sexy face as he pulled Gary sharply into his arms, and then Robbie would seductively invade his mouth with his skilful tongue, until he withdrew a deep longing moan from Gary’s talented vocal chords – a sure sign Gary was giving into him. Robbie wanted to then kiss him all the more harder making Gary struggle for breath, but just enough to allow Robbie to gently coax Gary backwards until he tripped over and on to the studio sofa; where Robbie would proceed to lay him down before carefully climbing on top of him, straddling his hips. Robbie would then slowly stroke the older man’s strong muscular thighs, as he continued to kiss him deeper and more urgently, before he gently began to rock his pelvis against Gary’s groin, feeling him harden under his touch. The rocking and rubbing would continue, maddening them both till the point they ran out of impatience, and the teasing became too much. One would then take the initiative and instinctively start yanking at the other’s restrictive clothing, and the other would follow mirroring their actions; first the shirts would be removed almost delicately, before the trousers came off more roughly, as the urgency spiked, and so underwear would come off with it. They’d then momentarily slow down a little, taking the time to kiss and caress the other, building up to the next part, ensuring they were both ready. Then depending on how he felt, Robbie would either start to position himself first, directly over Gary’s groin, before riding him hard and fast; or he would first start on Gary’s swollen member by hand so as to coax Gary into a new position beneath him that allowed Robbie full access to enter Gary, and make love to him. However, that could all change if Gary decided he wanted to be in control this time – the point being they never knew which one would take control of the sex until the very last moment, but no matter who did, they would both be taken to the edge of paradise by the other, until they came crashing over, together or just after one another, allowing them to equally share the beautiful moment - making that moment in time, belong to them, and only them…

“Rob, I said we’re ready – didn’t you hear me?!” Gary suddenly said. Immediately, Robbie was sharply and very sadly yanked from his sexual fantasy, ironically interrupted by the real voice of his fantasy lover. The reality was they weren’t about to have sex, they were barely talking to one another. What they really were, were ex-lovers that now had to act like they hadn’t fondled each other’s naked bodies ever before, as they now awkwardly worked side by side. But presently, that was the least of Robbie’s problems – courtesy of his that erotic fantasy, he was now sporting an impressive hard on. And after a few moments sweating on how to avoid it being seen, he simply decided to sideways-crab-scuttle over to the recording booth. He hoped Gary didn’t notice, it would just be too complicated and embarrassing to explain that one.

Gary was slightly baffled, as he watched Robbie enter the recording booth; seeing Robbie bizarrely shuffle across the room, before clumsily stuffing himself inside, all the time holding his Gucci jacket in front of him with both hands, was quite odd, even for Robbie. Yet, even with the strange sight before his eyes, every fibre in his body wanted to reach out to Robbie. In some ways it felt like how it had been long before they had got together the first time – he had watched Robbie from afar, confused about his own feelings, wanting Robbie, but every time he came close to approaching Robbie with his feelings, his head would cloud with a fog of doubt. It was the same now, he wanted to talk it over with Robbie, he wanted to move forward with him, and take a chance with Robbie – after all he loved and missed him so much! But swimming around his head were doubts, they were different doubts this time, but they amounted to the same thing, could he risk his heart with Robbie? Could he trust him again? Why did he cheat? Would he cheat again? – does he even want a relationship, or does Robbie just not want one with him? …consequently with all that floating around his headspace, taking up room, it was understandable Gary always found enough doubt to keep his feet glued to the ground, and his lips sealed (for now at least). Thus, so it was, when Robbie finally emerged from the recording booth after finishing his solo parts, Gary simply let him go with a simple, “Great job, goodnight Rob”; seemingly dismissing his once lover with a single wave, before painfully turning away and back to his laptop, where shaking fingers began to click away, as he stubbornly refused to give in to his heart, which he could feel so clearly as if it was in his mouth. He daren’t even look up until he was positive Robbie had left; and Robbie had, with such sadness in his own heart.

To say Robbie was hurt by the causal dismissal he’d just received from Gary, was an understatement, after the fantasies and the eye contact they’d shared during recording, he was sure Gary would say something more to him, approach him, seek some alone time together to work things through, but as with all his fantasies, it seemed Robbie had let them go too far, until he believed it could actually happen. But not now, not now Gary had completely shut him down. Robbie felt his heart fill with hurt and resentment. A part of him was actually glad for the dismissal, since he couldn’t take being there for a single minute more. And so he dutifully left, as Gary so evidently wanted him to (or so he thought).

The next day, however things were back to being all politeness and civility between the two, as if this was both their chosen way of dealing with the difficulties of heartache. And so it seemed as if the moment where fantasies could come true, had well and truly passed them by.  
So cordial the morning had been, that it had been a productive one too – they had 18 finished tracks to choose from already, a few more and they’d call a halt for now. This caused a mix of emotions for all the lads, but one thing was clear they would all miss being in the studio with each other everyday – but for Gary and Robbie it was for a different reason. There would be nothing to bring them together and make them actually see one another, and that scared them both. That said, Robbie spent that particular afternoon being completely pissed off with everyone. The reason behind his silent tantrum: Lucas Harris-Turner. Robbie had come back from lunch to find Lucas back too. From what Robbie could tell there was no good reason for him to be there, and he actually felt like making some bold statement to that affect, under the pretence they needed to get on with work, which to be fair they did. He was just so sick of the smarmy sight of that man, he literally didn’t care what an arse it would make him look. That was however, all before Lucas made his own announcement; the smiling studio rep invited all the lads to a do, at a swish Mayfair members club, it was for all the artists who use the studio, as “a kind of thank you, for choosing to use our studios”, Lucas said with an alluring voice as his eyes momentarily focused on only Gary. Robbie felt his blood instantly boil. Lucas went on to tell them he had arranged a VIP booth for them, complete with champagne, and soft drinks. 

Robbie was trying hard not to glare at the man and his obvious (or so Robbie thought) self-serving so-called generosity. Robbie had a fair idea of the real reason for the smarmy studio suit’s lavish invitation – and as if on cue, Gary offered his gratitude with a smile and (to Robbie’s shock) a one-armed hug that _lingered_. Gary remarked to the lads, how great it would be for the band to have a night out together, and that it was a great way to celebrate the end of their present studio time together, for a while at least. All the lads readily agreed, and so it was all Robbie could do, to paste a fake smile on his face as he genuinely began to worry that maybe, just maybe, Gary actually did like the smarmy bastard back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry for the wait, I was away but I’ve now drafts of the next few chapters and so updates will hopefully be more than weekly for the next couple of weeks. In the next chapter, they go to the club, and drink brings out some home truths. Thanks, as always for your lovely comments. xx


	19. You Only Have to Open Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie comes up with a plan to prove to Gary exactly what he wants, but will it be enough?

## You Only Have to Open Your Eyes

“But, Rob, you’ve got to come!” Mark implored. He and Robbie were for a change and highly unusually, the first into the studio that morning. Being so close to the end of writing now, both Howard and Jason had seemingly decided to have lie in rather than come in early as normal. It likely had more to do with the fact that not even Gary would be in early. Gary had been at a gig in Newcastle the night before, and so was getting a morning flight back. It did all mean, Mark had Robbie alone to corner him about coming to the club that evening.

“What’s the point, Mark?! – I can’t drink, can’t talk or dance with the man I love, or even steal a drunken kiss from him!” Robbie argued, completely deflated.  
“You never know Rob, give it a chance”, Mark suggested with an encouraging smile, “– some time together in a chilled out atmosphere, it might be a good opportunity for you both to just relax with each other and let things happen organically!”. But Robbie shook his head, dejectedly, “No, Mark! I’m sick of waiting for things to happen, I just want my boyfriend back, I want everything back the way it was – I hate my life right now!” He moaned, letting out a long deep huff, before he collapsed onto the studio sofa, sliding down in to a slouch, his spirit completely deflated.  
“Rob, come on now” Mark sat down beside him, and draped a comforting arm around his mate, “– that’s not a very helpful attitude is it? Besides, if it’s meant to be – and we all know it is, then it WILL happen, you just need to be patient! Gary needs time, and if you just try to rush things it will only end up making things worse – BELIEVE ME!” Mark told him with a meaningful look.  
“I get that, and I AM being patient but how long do I have to wait, honestly, Mark?!”  
“Well, if you really want him back, then whatever, or how long ever it takes. Gary doesn’t talk to me much about it and I hate to say this, but I get the feeling, in fact I know, he’s still uncertain when it comes to knowing whether you actually want a long term COMMITTED relationship with him, Rob”, Mark told him honestly.  
Robbie was shocked.  
“Are you kiddin’ me?! Mark – l love that man more than anything!”  
“You’re not getting it Rob, it’s about more than love, it’s about life – Gary wanted to build a life with you, but your actions… I mean, can you blame him for doubting whether you want the same thing?”  
“– but of course I want the same thing! My life literally means nothing without him!”  
“Well…then tell him that”.  
“He won’t listen!”  
“Then you just gotta find a way to prove it to him, instead, don’t you?”

Robbie opened his mouth to argue, but with Mark’s last words, the cogs suddenly started to rotate in his brain, and he instantly began to shape an idea of how he might prove to Gary, just how much he wants to make a life with him too”.

***************************************************************

 

“Rob - you’re back! Gaz was looking for you earlier” Howard called out to him, as Robbie drifted by the open doorway to their privately booked conference room. Inside, they were getting to make initial album track choices later on that afternoon. Robbie, however, had taken an extended lunch break; after all, Gary hadn’t made it in till very late in the morning so not much was scheduled, plus he needed time to finish pondering over his conversation with Mark, earlier on; _“Prove it to him”_ … Yes, Mark was right, Robbie thought to himself – he needed to _prove_ to Gary, he was ALL in, and 100% deadly serious about having a long term relationship with him. A long consideration over lunch had all led him to one conclusion as to what to do; he was going to ask Gary to marry him! 

It made perfect sense to Robbie.  
After all, he recalled the numerous occasions Gary had hinted at wanting to get married in the past, and of course, like a prize idiot, Robbie had ran away from the suggestion. Not because he was a ‘commitment-phobe’, no – it was simply because he had been so happy with life with Gary, he didn’t want to spoil it – to be completely honest, he had worried things would turn sour and fall apart, and pretty much end up… well, where they were now. In hindsight, he could see what an idiot that made him, but then he’d been an idiot about a lot of things recently, for instance, _he_ being the actual thing to make them fall apart. But, looking back, it was also obvious to him why Gary doubted Robbie’s intentions for their union; particularly when Robbie had taken such an immature, cowardly standoffish stance to marriage, every time Gary bought it up – yep, a he’d been a complete idiot alright!  
BUT – it was all totally fixable, Robbie was sure of it! It was after all, just a miscommunication, one giant miscommunication! And over a BLT sandwich wrap in the studio lobby/restaurant, Robbie had therefore considered his next move, and that was to propose. The decision actually took all of five seconds to make, Robbie spent the rest of the extended lunch trying to work out how to pop the question to Gary, and more importantly, when.  
As it so happened, it looked like Gary was searching for him, himself – and so a perfect opportunity was made, plus that definitely seemed like a good sign, to Robbie.  
Robbie smiled to himself just thinking about it all, but while he was meditating over his own thoughts, Howard was still there, now staring at him strangely, and it was fair to say, Howard looked a bit freaked out.  
“Sorry How, I was away with the fairies just then –”, Robbie offered.  
Howard nodded understandingly, “Isn’t that the way you like it!” He said with a dirty wink.  
“of course”, Robbie agreed with a comedic smirk before adding, “but eh, where is he? Gaz? I’ll go find him now”.  
“Him and Mark went to pick up some lunch from that vegan place down the street, but they’ll be back shortly”, Howard told him.  
“Excellent!” Robbie said chirpily. He smiled as he left Howard there still watching his now retreating form down the corridor, with more than mild confusion.  
But Robbie honestly couldn’t help the spring in his step, and he was practically skipping to the men’s toilets down the hall. He felt so good about this decision, and the timing was perfect – it was all coming together!

******************************************************************

 

His palms were now sweaty. So sweaty, he didn’t know what to do with them.  
What was he going to say to Gary? He’d completely forgotten, and so racked his brain frantically searching for the right words.

With Howard and Jason still in the conference room, he decided to place himself in a pokey room next to one of the recording studio rooms they used, down the hall. Gary and his assistant used the room to work out from a lot, it was empty now and he so hoped they’d have some privacy in there. 

Time tricked by, and he shot a swift nervous look to entrance door. His panicked eyes darted back and forward between it, and the old clock on the wall. It had been ten minutes already, and he was growing more nervous by the second. But in his heart, he knew this would finally fix them, fix everything, and prove to Gary how much he loved him, which was exactly what Mark had been harping on about, earlier. Five more minutes later and Robbie was still alone with his thoughts; but he was sure now - he knew Gary wanted commitment, and if this didn’t prove to Gary that HE wanted that too, then nothing would! 

He didn’t have to wait much longer though, as soon he heard two quiet voices in conversation in the corridor, “But all I’m saying is, please whine in the direction of Jay, because he came up with that line”, Robbie heard Gary’s gravelly voice, drifting closer.  
“Yes, but we both know if I do that, you know what he’s going to say!” Came Mark’s small insistent voice, in reply.  
“Yeah, that he loves you, because you always look for the detail in everything we do, and that’s why it’s always so brilliant?! Because it’s true we all love you for that Marko!”  
“Yeah, yeah – trying to silence me with compliments again Mister B?”  
“What can I say? Except, like I said – go talk to Jason about it”, Robbie was sure he could detect the faintest of smirks in Gary’s voice - he loved winding Mark up. Gary knew Mark was too wussy and nice, to be direct enough to do that.  
“Um, but –”  
“No, Markie – your idea, you tell him!” Gary continued, softly chuckling as he finally opened the door to unknowingly expose Robbie’s hiding place.

As soon as Gary walked into the room, Robbie rose immediately from his seat, like a dork. He couldn’t tell you the biological mechanics behind it, he was simply in automatic drive now, there was no going back! As he stood up and held Gary’s gaze however, a thousand butterflies suddenly launched into flight inside his stomach, and he suddenly felt like the tremendous bag of nerves he was.  
“Ah, Rob - I was looking for you earlier”, Gary said as his eyes held Robbie’s. Even as they stood there in front of each other rather awkwardly, his words were still said with such brightness, it made Robbie’s swell. There was however, still that slight tentative air between them, as there always was these days, but Robbie hoped to fix that, and was incredibly thankful that Gary had somehow not noticed him weirdly coming to a stand. “I just wanted to say…”, Gary continued, sounding even more coy, “I…er…just that well done on that track, amazing stuff, I loved it!” He finally said with a bright smile.  
Robbie was taken aback. He had completely forgotten about the track he had stayed in the studio till 1am trying to finish. “Erm, great, thanks!” was all Robbie could muster as the nerves set further in. Gary smiled that gorgeous warm smile of his that made Robbie’s insides completely melt, so now he felt like he had a thousand fluttering butterflies turning into slushy goo, inside him.

Mark, who Robbie had completely forgotten was there, slid past the shy gawping pair to unceremoniously flop on to the small sofa inside, and began to unwrap his lunch. Gary smiled again, and unexpectedly turned to leave just as quickly as he entered.  
Robbie had to stop him, “Wait, Gaz!” He called out a little too urgently, that it caused Gary to immediately snap his head back in Robbie’s direction.  
Mark, looked up from his lunch with sudden curiosity.  
Robbie looked from Gary to Mark, and audibly cleared his throat, looking pointedly in Mark’s direction, as if to say _‘clear off mate’_ , but Mark, for some reason, was not getting the hint. Robbie huffed slightly under his breath, but then on second thoughts, he thought better of it, considering this was all basically Mark’s idea, perhaps it didn’t matter he was there.

He cleared his throat dryly, “ I erm…I’ve been meaning to t-…talk wi-...with you”, he began with a slight stutter. He was conscious his shaking was visible and too obvious, plus the gooey butterfly mess in his stomach was nearly unbearable.  
“O-K” Gary slowly said, concern starting to show on his gentle face, “is everything ok, Rob?” he asked sincerely.  
“Er, yeah, em – yeah” he managed, trying to _‘calm the fuck down’_ (as he told himself to, in his head), but his crawling gut would not let up. “I’m…er…I was, AM hoping everything will be more than ok, actually”, Robbie tried to say with a small smile through the nerves. Gary stayed silent, listening expectantly, if not a little confusedly. There was a loud thumping in Robbie’s ears - his heart furiously beating against his rib cage. It was all quickly getting too much for him; and so with a deep breath Robbie decided to just come out and say it quick; like ripping off a plaster, he just wanted to get it over with –  
“See, Gaz – I’ve been thinking about well, us...and I, more than realise what a tool I’ve been in the past when it comes to not showing you, not proving to you, how much I wanted a committed relationship, and well, it’s stupid because that’s all I’ve ever really wanted, see!” Robbie knew he was babbling a bit, then again at least he was thankfully, not yet blubbering, but he could already feel the emotion building up inside him, and so suspected it was only a matter of time. He needed to get this done.  
“…And well, thing is,” Robbie continued, trying to keep it together, “Mark said, all I need to do is prove it _now_ , see so…” he said looking in Mark’s direction, but was momentarily taken aback to see his small friend purposely gawking at him, his eyes as large as saucers; staring at him as if he’d grown two heads! …what if he was trying to relay a message?! Robbie thought, but he couldn’t stop to wonder about that, not right now he’d finally built up the nerve –  
“…I, er…so I guess what I’m trying to say is”, he took a deep breath before he let only earnest words spill from his mouth, “Gary Barlow, will you marry me?”

Robbie stood there, with a gormless geeky smile in front of the man he loved (before he hastily remembered he should be down on one knee). He quickly sank down to kneel on one knee, only to look up and see Gary’s shocked face - his jaw had literally dropped open, so much so, Robbie was sure he could fit a fist in there. Robbie suddenly didn’t feel like smiling anymore. 

Meanwhile sitting nearby, just to the right of Gary’s side, Robbie’s peripheral vision showed Mark with a strange look on his face; like Gary, he was in shock but there was also something else there too, an expression as if to say, _‘you fucking idiot!’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave it there, but I'm a bit sleepy and not long till the next chapter - it'll be up by mid week, next week. Thanks so much for your lovely comments xx


	20. I’d Wait For Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie’s given his question to Gary, but what will be his answer?

## I’d Wait For Life

“Wha…what did you say?” Gary timidly asked, with a look of obvious astonishment. Robbie suddenly and immediately regretted blurting it out like that, he should’ve realised it would take Gary by complete surprise, what with them just having popped out for lunch!  
Yet, now he’d said it, Robbie knew, there was no going back.  
“I want you to marry me, Gary.”  
“Oh”, was Gary’s only reply, then he retreated back to silence. Robbie cleared his throat, and continued, “Look, I realise this is a bit of a surprise but –”  
“A BIT of a surprise?!” Gary interrupted, “Rob – we’re not even together!” Still with a look of utter amazement on his face, yet Robbie couldn’t miss the tiny tinge of anger to Gary’s voice.  
This wasn’t going the way Robbie wanted it to. “Look, I get that, and I know it’s extreme but I wanted to show you just how much I want to be with you”.  
Gary narrowed his eyes slightly, as if pondering Robbie with sceptic eyes. “You do still want to be with me?”  
“Of course I bloody do! How could you think I wouldn’t? I was devastated you ended it – I still am!”  
“But I thought you… I mean you seem so…together, I just assumed –”  
“Appearances are deceiving, Gaz - I miss you like crazy, I want you back so much, you are the love of my life!”

Gary considered the man before him, making such a massive declaration, his soul was laid bare; and it was definitely no joke - Robbie was genuine and vulnerable with it, Gary could see that. In that moment, Gary could see himself saying yes, them getting married and having a wonderful long life together. It was simple. It was perfect.  
But was love and life that simple?

“Why couldn’t you have done this earlier? When we were actually together.” Gary quietly asked whilst trying to hide the mix of emotions now swelling inside him, “I don’t understand why now? When you always acted like marriage was the last thing you ever wanted?!”  
Robbie stood up, “Because I’m an idiot…but I’m an idiot that’s completely and utterly in love with you, and wants to share his life with you, and so I’m asking you now – please answer me Gaz.”

As Gary contemplated Robbie’s offer of marriage, he stood there playing with his thumbs. Robbie knew Gary only did that when he was nervous and uncertain, not that Gary would either admit that. Yet, Gary stayed silent, as he thought on Robbie’s question, the meaning behind it. He knew Robbie just wanted this whole mess to all be over with; the heartache, the loneliness, the longing, and in truth so did he. He had been worried Robbie was already over him, but now he knew that wasn’t true. He wanted Robbie back, and Robbie wanted to be back. It would just be so easy, three letters, one word…

Gary had an urge in his head, an overwhelming urge to say yes. But no matter how much he wanted to say yes; throw himself into Robbie’s arms and kiss him all over – _could they really start a marriage like that?_ He thought. _Forever being asked just how Robbie popped the question, and thus being constantly reminded of why he did…but so it’d be awkward and hard sometimes, at least he’d be able to wake up each morning with the man he loved, right?_  
“Rob…I –“ he finally began, all he had to say yes, he could do this, they could do this, just say yes his heart told him. Robbie looked him with nervous puppy dog eyes.  
How could he turn down those eyes! How could he turn it down now that Robbie finally wanted marriage too!  
_….but why exactly did Robbie want to marry now, when he had avoided it like the plague before?!_ Gary contemplated, _was it just to get back together, to fix everything? Did Robbie seriously think he could use marriage as a quick ‘fix’?!_  
But maybe it would fix them. He could see them getting married, their happy faces, and everyone’s happy faces. They would be happy, they’d make sure of it! 

All he had to say was… ‘yes – just say yes’ said a final voice in his head, and so he opened his mouth, took a deep breath and said….

“No.”

As Robbie’s mouth fall in reaction, Gary watched confusion and hurt enter those puppy dog eyes.  
“I’m sorry Rob, but no, not like this – we couldn’t get married just to fix this. It’s not that easy, it wouldn’t mean anything.” He sadly told Robbie.  
Dumbfounded, Robbie gently shook his head with disbelief. Soon, Gary couldn’t bare it, he wanted to tear his eyes away from Robbie’s, but they stayed on Robbie’s - watching them become dull and pale as realisation and devastation set it. Robbie remained silent throughout, but Gary needed Robbie to understand it was just not the right time to be talking about marriage, “You have to realise –”  
“No, I don’t realise anything!” Robbie suddenly interrupted with spike of bitterness to his voice, “You always talked of marriage, I thought you wanted this?!” he rhetorically questioned.  
“Yes”, Gary said gently, “when we were together. Rob, it’s just not appropriate to be talking about marriage right now, you have to see that!” he implored.  
“Well, I don’t – you either want to marry me now, or you don’t want to…ever!” he said a little childishly. He knew that but then again he was just fighting back a massive whack to his heart, and it hurt.  


Gary frowned. Robbie was just not getting it.  
“Do you realise how much you’re asking of me, Rob?! You are asking me to be with you no matter what you do, no matter my trust issues with you right now, no matter what may come, for the rest of our lives! Because that’s what marriage means, so is that what you’re asking me, Rob?!” Gary spat, his voice cracking with anger. Robbie’s immaturity never failed to trigger a simmering rage to boil up inside him.  
Robbie for his part was slightly stunned and recovered only enough to say, “Yes?” His tone anything but confident, in fact it was the least convincing ‘yes’ in the world.  
Gary picked up on it straight away, and it did nothing to dampen his annoyance, “ _Yes?_ Are you telling me you understand, or are you asking me if you do?! – see! This is exactly what I’m talking about!” he argued, before pausing to take a calming breath. With a more controlled tone he began again, “You say you want this Rob, and I’m sure you _think_ you actually do…but maybe you just want it in the moment, and then once you’ve ‘achieved’ in getting it, I fear you’ll get bored”  
“Wait, do you think you’re just some notch on my bedpost?!” Robbie asked with disbelief, finding his voice at last.  
“I think you like the chase –”  
“You honestly think me so shallow that I would ever get bored of you?!” Robbie couldn’t understand how Gary could think so little of him.  
Luckily (or maybe not), Gary was about to remind him, exactly why…  
“Rob, you were bored! You must’ve been - to do what you did!”  
“I WAS DRUNK!!!” An impatient Robbie argued.  


Gary however, shook his head and sighed sadly, “You don’t get it – it’s not the fact you were upset & drunk, or even the fact you lied to me and tried to keep it secret; it’s the fact that YOU followed HIM to his room, you knew exactly what you were going for, and could have thought of me and changed your mind at any point, but you made a choice! Either you didn’t think of me at all, or when you made your choice, it was to not choose me.” His voice was solemn, and when Robbie opened his lips to protest, Gary wordlessly silenced with a look before adding, “No doubt you probably saw it as exciting and daring, and that I can even accept, because that’s who you are. And in time I could forgive that, and get over it – IF I honestly thought you would never do it again”.  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean, I don’t trust you Robbie…not entirely, at least not right now. I’m sorry, I wish I could just turn it back on, but that is exactly why I need time - to get my trust in you, back!” Gary said, watching Robbie’s eyes begin to glisten with emotion. He sighed, “Rob, I honestly still do love you to absolute bits, and as I stand here in front of you, with all my heart I still want to say yes to you; I want to kiss you and marry you, all because I love and miss you too, and want you back in my life, I truly do! And we’d be happy….but I honestly worry deep down it would only make you happy for a short while...” Gary sadly said, swallowing hard past the lumps of emotion in his throat, finally bringing words to the fears he wallowed over during all those sleepless nights. Robbie’s eyes looked so miserable, and Gary shared his pain, it was such a difficult thing to tell Robbie, but Gary felt he owed him the truth.  
“How can you say that? In fact, how can you say you love me, and that you want to marry me, only to then take it all away?!…Why give me such hope, only to trample all over it?!” Robbie asked solemnly, “I would be happy forever, Gaz, I promise you!”  
“You have to understand Rob, it’s just the way I feel _right now_ , I hope it will change, but right now I can’t trust you when you say all those things that make me want to marry you; I can’t trust you not to get bored and cheat on me again, and again; and I can’t live like that. I just can’t, Rob – its not fair to either of us”. As Gary finished, his voice was barely a whisper, he felt so awful. It was a truth he had hoped not to have to tell Robbie, he had wanted to deal with his trust issues, without Robbie knowing how he honestly felt.  
Robbie, beyond devastation, felt numb by Gary’s words but desperate to convince him otherwise, “I wouldn’t Gaz. It was the biggest mistake of my life!”  
“Yes, and the next time it happens you’ll say the same exact thing again.”  
“You have to believe me –”  
“I can’t! That’s the whole point! Besides, I can see it in your eyes Bob, even you don’t completely believe your own words – see, you don’t trust yourself! So how can you expect me to?!"  


Robbie could say nothing, words failed him.  
“...Maybe, it’s because deep down, you don’t really want to be with me, you just think you do because you love me so much.” Gary pondered.  
“That makes no sense, Gary! It’s because I love you, I WANT to be with you – I always want to be with you, I never want to be apart - why can’t you get that?! How can I convince you, how can I get you to believe me with that, to trust me again?!”  
“I don’t know, Rob – I’m not sure you can.”  


There was a long pause, while both allowed those last words to sink in, coming to their own conclusions.  
“Fine, I get it – you love me and want to be with me, but won’t marry me because you don’t trust me! Well, sorry for wasting your time!” Robbie harshly told him.  
“Rob – please don’t be like that, I’m just trying to be honest - to help us move forward, you’re the one who sprang this on me after all! What do you expect?! Plus, it once again shows how incapable you are of giving me time, the only thing I have ever asked for – ”  
“At least I’m trying Gaz, which is more than you’re doing! What do you even need time for?! Apart from making me wait around for you!” he vehemently spat as the emotion churning inside him began to swirl into a vortex of anger and resentment that was slowly taking him over.  
“That’s not fair Rob!”  
“No, you know what Gaz, have it your way then! Have all the time you want but don’t expect me to waste any more time waiting for you – if you can’t trust me, then fine – I’m done”. He said bluntly, and without really thinking.  
“W…what?!” Gary stammered with shock.  
“If you can’t see us ever getting back together then why I am here, wasting my time?”  
“But I never said that…” Gary quietly replied, too quietly for Robbie to hear right - what with such bitterness already busily bubbling around his head.  
“You know what I think, I think you like the thought of me waiting for you, pining away for you!” Robbie said spitefully.  
“That’s not true at all,” Gary tried to sedate the situation, “I hate this, but I –”  
“That’s just it, there’s always going to be a ‘but’ with you!” Robbie quickly interjected, “Let’s face it – you’ve given up on us, so you know what, I do too! I give up, I’m done!” He practically yelled now a shy two inches from Gary’s face.

Gary’s breathing suddenly hitched, as he took in a sharp breath. He had no retort. The words couldn’t even form on his lips. He was fighting back too much emotion, too many unshed tears; and so they stood there in silence, in shock. Their bodies were practically touching they were so close, but the proximity was not sensual, only confrontational. After a moment, Gary swallowed past the engorged lump in his throat, with difficulty and took in a sharp, shaky breath, “if that’s how you feel…” he said, albeit sounding more like a question.  
“It is.” Robbie replied. However, Robbie knew it wasn’t. In fact, he wanted to take it all back immediately, everything he’d said. None of it was true in the slightest! Seeing Gary’s face drop with obvious hurt gave Robbie no satisfaction, he just wanted to hurt Gary enough, to shock him into changing his mind – he thought that maybe an ultimatum was all that Gary needed to see sense! 

Again, silence fell between them, and Robbie was starting to realise he really needed to take back what he said, yet stubbornness and intrigue as to Gary’s reply stilled his lips - he didn’t have to wait long for Gary’s response this time.  
“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. All I wanted was time. I thought that everything was going great, we were working so well together, so much so that...I…well, I just didn’t want to rush things. It’s not that I can’t see us getting back together Rob, of course I want that, it’s just not that easy – that’s all I was trying to say”. His voice was small, with no strength left in it.  
Robbie opened his mouth to reply but was beaten to the punch by Gary, “Look I…I can’t….” he continued before a short sigh escaped, “I have to get back to work now”. Gary saw no good in staying, he didn’t have the energy left, and wanted to save them from any further arguing; and so made to leave. A temporarily stunned Robbie however, soon found his voice, as his anger flared up by Gary’s mention of ‘work’, “That’s right, run off when things get tough, like you always do!” He yelled at Gary’s hastily retreating form down the corridor, “That’s why we’re in this mess Gaz, it’s not me, its YOU picking work, over us every fucking time!”  
But there was no one left to yell at, Gary was gone.

Robbie turned back into the room, and immediately kicked over the bin, before swearing loudly in both anger and frustration. He could barely believe what had just happened. He exhaled deeply trying to calm himself down, when he glanced around and was somewhat surprised to see Mark still sitting there clutching his lunch. He had completely forgotten Mark was there, had been there the whole entire time!  


Mark said nothing at first, but fixed Robbie with a glare, while subtly shaking his head. Robbie was still calming down and was in no mood for one of Mark’s lectures, “Don’t start Mark!” he warned him, bluntly.  
“What, or you’ll yell at me too, I suppose?!” Mark replied dryly. But Robbie had no energy to retort back. “What were you thinking?!” Mark continued, “It’s like you live in this enchanted ‘black and white’ world or something, dismissing the idea of shades of grey; then you spit fire as soon as someone even mentions the possible existence of anything grey!”  
“What the fuck are you even going on about?!” Robbie said, both ill-tempered and exhausted; he was in no mood for Mark’s loquacity right now.  
“YOU! You just never listen, you’re in denial, you never consider… you never wait! I’m not even going to bother asking you where you got the crazy idea of proposing from, but before you say it – it wasn’t me!” Mark said defiantly.  


Robbie cocked an eyebrow as he looked at his small friend with astonishment, “You said _prove it_!  
“Oh come off it Rob, _THAT_ is so unbelievably far from what I meant – but even with all that put aside a moment, why say you’re giving up on him like that? I know it’s not true, but that shit only validates his doubts about you! Why can’t you see that?! AND then you have to go for the ‘jugular’ every time, when you know you’ll regret it later, you always take it too far – he was completely crushed by that!” Mark questioned him.  
“I was crushed by him, too!” Robbie retorted. He paused, sighed heavily and raked a hand roughly through his hair, “…Mark, I don’t fucking know alrigh’?! It seemed perfect in my head. Obviously, I thought it’d go so differently, I thought it’d fix everything!”  
“It’s not that easy, I’m afraid” Mark said sympathetically.  


“So, I keep being told” Robbie commented dryly, rolling his eyes. He then huffed out another sigh before sinking onto the sofa beside Mark. He put his head in his hands, and swore again. “I just …Ugh! He just gets under my skin Mark, He is singularly, the most important person to me, I just want to hold him and be with him for the rest of my life, and yet he infuriates me so much sometimes, I just want to tell him to do one! I don’t get!”  
Mark smiled knowingly at him. A look which irritated Robbie, “what?” he spikily asked Mark.  
“You’ve just described love Rob, it’s maddening at times and can drive you up the wall, but when you have it, you do right to cling on to it. You and Gary have real love, we can all see that. You will find your way back to one another, I’m sure of it”.  
“But Mark –”  
“No, listen - love hurts, it’s hurting you both and you’re both having to find a way through that. You want to fast forward through it, I get that, but Gary can’t catch up to you when you go so fast, not yet - because he’s got his own stuff to work through. So, you’ve got to learn to slow down, take a step back, and actually be patient for once in your life, because Gaz is right, if he really is the one for you, you’d wait, like he would. He’d would wait for life, for you, he really would.”

“ _Wait for Life_ ...hmm…sounds like a song that.” Robbie said lightly, finally cracking a smile, despite the heart ache he felt inside.  
“Yeah, there was another on the same album, funnily enough, called PATIENCE! You might want to take some inspiration from that one, and try it sometime…” Mark feigned annoyance, although the frustration was real, “…you know, before proposing again!” he added, with a wink, before picking up his unfinished falafel wrap and exiting the room; leaving a sulking Robbie in there, alone once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! My apologies, as I had originally intended to update this mid week but I revised the next two chapters and in the end had to amalgamate them into one very long one, but hopefully it now flows better. So, subsequently, there was a lot of angst for the ex-lovers in this chapter, and sorry, if you’re disappointed by the outcome, but this story is about their love being obvious & eternal, yet anything but easy. Still so much to come though, so hope you’re still enjoying it. Next chapter will be the fall out and a night out, but some will have more fun than others.   
> Thank you for your lovely comments xx


	21. What Do You Want From Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the TT lads head out to an exclusive social/night club in Mayfair, to try and recover from the dramas earlier in the day. Surely nothing else can go wrong?! ;)

## What Do You Want From Me?

It wasn’t long before news of an argument between the Take That lads got around those that worked in the studio, and no doubt likely it would find its way into a tabloid newspaper, in due course. After hearing from Mark what had happened between Robbie and Gary, Howard and Jason decided to put off their track list decisions for the day, and instead helped try to relieve tensions by taking up Lucas’ invite to the swanky social club in Mayfair.

“Have you spoken to Rob since?” Jason asked Gary, as he sat down to join 'The Captain' in their private booth, at the club. Gary was red-eyed and pale, obviously still reeling from the afternoon’s events earlier on. He was still both in shock from Robbie’s proposal, and their subsequent fall out. Already, there was regret in his heart, but he just couldn’t decide if that was regret of the way he handled it, or from his decision itself.  
“I’ve not seen him”, he glumly responded to Jason’s question after some pause, “I’m not even sure if he’s coming tonight or not, not that I’d blame him if he doesn’t – I just hope he’s ok”, he said quietly concerned. He wanted to make amends with Robbie, he just didn’t know how. But he knew he couldn’t leave it how it was; he didn’t want to fight with him, and he didn’t want Robbie to hate him. Gary knew he’d said some harsh things earlier, but so had Robbie. He just found it so difficult with Robbie sometimes, the youngest band member’s simplistic all or nothing view was envious at times, but down right infuriating at all other times.

“Maybe he just needs time to cool down”, Jason spoke up after a while, interrupting Gary from his self-pitying reverie, “you know Rob - ” Jason continued, “he does these things spontaneously, without really thinking, and then when things don’t go his way, he needs to take himself off and lick his wounds.” Jason reasoned.  
“He thinks from his heart. He always has.” Gary said forlornly, “I love that so much about him.”  
“It’s an enviable quality for sure, but a far from flawless one” Jason commented pensively, “but it sounds like you were too, it’s good that you were honest with him; honest about how you feel”.  
“I dunno Jay...when has the truth ever really helped anyone?” Gary pitifully sighed.  
“Well, I can think of a time when two good friends of mine finally came out with their _truth_ ”, Jason said, offering a supportive smile.  
“Yeah, and look how well that turned out!” Gary scoffed, taking a gulp of red wine.  
“Look Gaz, you did the right thing, you had to be honest with him”, the lean man said matter-of-factly, helpfully removing the glass from Gary’s hand before he downed the whole glass.  
Gary let Jason take the glass from him, gladly; he didn’t want to get drunk, he didn’t want to be numb. He wanted to feel this pain; the pain kept him feeling close to Robbie. Robbie, who likely wanted nothing more to do with him, _‘That was what Robbie implied after all’,_ Gary thought to himself.  
“Maybe I was too honest though, or…I'm thinking I shouldn’t have turned him down, I mean we could’ve worked it out…maybe”, Gary eventually pondered aloud, yet still mostly to himself. But Jason looked at him like he was stark raving mad, “Are you kiddin’ me?!” Jason said bewilderedly, “you can’t start a marriage like that! I can’t believe you were even considering saying yes, seriously?!”  
“I know, I know, ok”. Gary replied, slightly irritated by Jason’s cynical tone, “I KNOW you’re right – I just wish I’d spared Robbie’s feelings somehow, and any embarrassment I caused him” he continued, “I think that’s why he reacted the way he did. It’s all certainly made things so much harder now, for the band too”, Gary worried.  
“The band will be fine Gaz, and so will everything else – Robbie will just deal with the truth for once, he’s a big boy Gaz; he’ll be fine.” Jason reassured him.  
“Yeah I guess so” Gary replied unconvincingly, sighing dejectedly once more. 

Jason rolled his eyes at the pitiful sight before he spotted a passing waitress with a tray of elegant champagne flutes, complimentary of course! He silently beckoned the pretty waitress over, taking two fizzing glasses from the proffered tray. He handed a glass of bubbly to Gary, who gratuitously accepted it with a small smile (which didn’t quite reach the eyes).  
“Let’s just have some fun tonight, hey Gaz?” Jason simply offered, trying to raise his mate’s spirit, before raising his own glass ceremoniously. Gary smiled a bit wider, raising his own glass to meet Jason’s with a chink; but as he took a small sip of the champagne, he couldn’t help but furtively dart his eyes around the decadent Mayfair club, hopelessly searching for a certain tattooed once-lover.

****************************************************************************************

 

Robbie was in fact at the same club. He’d decided to go there, against his better judgment, if only not to lose face.  
As it so happens though, just as Jason and Gary were chinking their champagne flutes, Robbie was hidden in a corner, watching Gary closely from across the room. With a mix of longing and anger, but mostly anger, Robbie watched as his ex-lover inconspicuously searched the room with his own eyes, no doubt looking for him; and that thought brought a small smirk to Robbie’s lips. Not that it lasted long; as he watched Gary, he saw the sadness in the man’s eyes, a sadness that crept into his own heart and was mirrored in his own eyes too. 

Robbie decided enough was enough, he needed to go over and speak to Gary, to clear the air at least. He was just standing up to make his way over when his progress was halted by an unwanted presence, that instantly made Robbie's insides squirm in disgust.  
“Nice of you to make it, Robbie”, Lucas Harrison-Turner said with a thin smile. His blond hair was slicked back, and Robbie noted Lucas had partnered his shiny grey suit with a pinstriped shirt, red tie, and gold cufflinks. Robbie felt his own lips curl, everything about the studio rep, spelt out ‘vile smarmy bastard’ in Robbie’s books.  
“Yeah, well, a night out’s a night out”, Robbie said curtly. He didn’t care if he sounded rude, he just wanted the slimy git to _piss off_.  
“Yeah, and free booze, is free booze, I bet!” Lucas said with a knowing smile.  
Robbie was steaming, in fact he was boiling like a kettle already, he literally wanted to fist the man right in his ‘stupid male-groomed face’!  
“Actually, I’m tee-total” Robbie struggled to say evenly.  
“No problem, I knew so this tray is alcohol-free champers, I ordered it in especially for you and Mark too, as well as a few others. It’s amazing how many ‘pop stars’ can’t drink for various reasons", Lucas said with that thin smile of his.  
_’The smarmy self-righteous, condescending bastard!’_ Robbie thought furiously to himself, as he dutifully took a glass with a fake smile, mostly to get rid of the sod. He honestly could not stand the man. Fortunately, it seemed to quickly work; as Lucas simply smiled as Robbie took a sip, before he put the tray with the rest of the alcohol-free champagne down on Robbie’s table, and abruptly retreated.  
Silently seething, Robbie downed the rest of the glass. The fizz was sharp in his throat, but the taste was welcoming. Even though he knew it was alcohol-free (albeit a very convincing one) it helped, somehow. He took another glass and gulped it down in two mouthfuls. He could at least pretend it was dulling his pain.

*********************************************************************************

 

“Rob – for Christ’s sake, just come over would you?!” Mark sternly told him, now completely exasperated with the younger man. Robbie had been sat by himself for more than an hour, drinking his way through the fake champagne flutes on the tray. “We’ve got a lovely booth in the VIP section” Mark tiredly encouraged.  
Robbie glanced up at his ‘friend’ who had finally ventured over to see if he was ok, “No thanks Mark! I’m fine here, don’t want to spoil all your fun!”  
“Don’t be a kid Rob, we didn’t even know you were here until Ga– …er, _we_ spotted you over here, sitting on your own, drinking – wait…is that alcohol?! Are you drinking?! Mark asked worriedly.  
“Nah, it’s just some alcohol-free shit. I’m fine Mark, so just leave me alone would you?”  
Mark sighed, “Look Robbie, Gary saw you was here ok, he’s really worried about you. He feels so bad about earlier on, so would you just be an adult and talk to him, please”, Mark tiredly beseeched.  
“yeah right…”  
“He wants to clear the air, Rob!”  
“Make himself feel better, more like!” Robbie stubbornly replied.  
“Rob, you know that’s not fair – he cares so much about you!”  
“He turned me down, Mark!”  
But Mark had had enough of all the self-pity and wallowing, “That’s because the entire notion of you guys getting married right NOW, was utterly ridiculous!”  
“Thanks, _'mate'_.” Robbie said cuttingly.  
“Oh, for goodness sake Rob –”  
“It was YOUR ‘utterly ridiculous’ idea, in the first place!”  
Mark was staggered, “You cannot still be serious with that!”  
“YOU said, PROVE it, so I did!” Robbie spat.  
“Yeah, and I meant with persistence, showing you can be trusted, showing his love in you is warranted and safe”.  
But Robbie shook his head, “You don’t get it –“  
“No, YOU don’t get it, Rob!” an exhaustedly irritated Mark interrupted, “you can’t cheat on a guy, lie to him, give him no space when he asks or it, THEN propose marriage to him, only to get in a hissy fit when he says it’s not appropriate!”  
Robbie looked at Mark, and stayed silent for a moment, considering the smaller man's words.  
“hmmm…well, when you put it like that…” Robbie said thoughtfully.  
“It’s the only way TO put it, because that’s what happened!” Mark replied agitatedly.  
“Yeah, I guess it does sound kinda crazy”, Robbie reasoned.  
“Certifiable, mate” Mark sighed.  
“Fuck, I’m such a moron!”  
“Possibly, and yet Gary is still sitting over there, staring at you, wanting to talk to you and sort this mess out”, Mark told him with a more gentle voice, “so please, for the love of all sanity, just go talk to him!”  
“I can’t, Mark” Robbie moped.  
“Yes, you can” Mark instructed, “…or you can stay here drinking yourself stupid!”  
“I told you, it’s alcohol-free, Mark – here try some” Robbie said, offering him a glass off the tray.  
Mark turned his cynical nose up, at the proffered glass, “I’ll just stick to my orange juice, thanks” he said, and left Robbie alone once more. so Robbie returned to drinking alone, while surreptitiously watching Gary from afar, only to sense Gary’s gaze now and then, linger in his direction too. 

********************************************************************************

 

“I can’t take this! I’m going over to talk to him”, Gary told the lads, with just a note of apprehension in his voice.  
“Bad idea Gaz, just wait till he’s ready to come over and join us, he’s still sulking”, Mark said with little sympathy.  
“I guess…” Gary grumbled.  
“Gaz, what do you even want from him?!”, Mark asked bluntly, “I mean he was an idiot to propose like that, and he now realises that but what do you want to happen? I mean, marriage proposals aside one moment; I know you want him back, but I also know you’re not ready for that now, so what’s the point of aggravating him further with this, tonight?” Mark asked him, sounding quite irritated now. Mark just felt they’d had enough drama for one day, and he was honestly getting tired of it now.  
Unfortunately, for Mark however, Jason had contrasting advice of his own, for Gary; “The way I see it, you may see yourself being with him again, but what you both want right now is incompatible; yet what you both want for your future, however, is the same. You’ll both just have to compromise to find a way around that, but it is possible. So if you honestly, see your future is with him, telling him that would be a good start.”  
“I don’t think he wants to hear that right now though Jay, he said he was done!” Gary said, deflated.  
“Yeah, only because he thinks you’re done too - but that you're just too nice to say so”, Mark interjected, “he just wants to _save face_ but if you -…well, can you honestly see yourself with him again?” he asked Gary, candidly.  
“Oh, only every night in my dreams, Mark”, Gary replied dryly.  
Mark still thought it was a bad idea trying to sort it out tonight, he was sure Robbie needed time to sulk, but the other two lads were readily encouraging Gary to ‘be the grown-up’ and go sort it out; mostly because no one wanted to see Robbie sitting by his self in the corner, like that. So against his better judgement Mark smiled and joined in the encouragement, giving Gary the ‘thumbs up’ to proceed.  
Howard however, was a bit more direct than that, and actually pushed Gary off the seat, and out of the booth altogether. Gary took the hint, and simply said, “Wish me luck”, before he left the booth and headed directly over in the direction of Robbie’s hunched over figure.

Upon inspecting Robbie’s dishevelled appearance, skulking in a darkened corner, clasping on to an empty glass, he suddenly worried – _‘had Robbie been drinking?’_ …but nevertheless, albeit apprehensively, he cleared his throat to get Robbie’s attention. Sitting hunched over, and still fondling the empty glass, Robbie said nothing but looked up with a raised eyebrow, expectantly. He'd watched Gary venture over, out the corner of his eye.

Gary was the first to talk, “So rumour has it, I’ve got something to do with why you’re sat over here on your own, instead of joining your band mates over there?”, Gary tried to sound facetiously bright, yet he couldn’t help but hear the fakery in his own voice. This was hard.  
Robbie merely sneered in response, “No shit Sherlock!” and took another glass off the tray. Gary looked immediately concerned, a look which didn’t escaped Robbie, “Don’t worry, its non-alcoholic”, Robbie answered the rhetorical look.  
“I don’t think it is, Rob”.  
“Well, not like it’d matter – I’m free and single now, I can do the hell I want, and with no one can nag at me!” Robbie retorted with a smirk, “but if it reassures you - although I’ve no idea why you care…but your dear friend Lucas whats-his-face himself, was the one who –”  
“Look Rob”, Gary impatiently sighed, “I’m trying here – just please come over to the booth, I want to talk to you”.  
“So talk here.” Rob replied dismissively.  
There was a pause of silence as Gary decided how to proceed.

“Alright.” Gary took a breath, “I wanted to say I’m sorry”.  
“And what are you exactly sorry about, I wonder?!” Robbie enquired with a cynical air, “that you don’t want to marry me, or that you had to witness me acting like a stupid fool, asking you to?!”  
“You weren’t a fool, and I shouldn’t have been so blunt.” Gary offered sympathetically, "I really am sorry, for how it all came out, like that".

Robbie looked up at Gary for the first time, and seemed to consider him a moment.  
After a pause, he finally sighed and conceded, “No, Gaz – it was stupid of me to ask…to just spring it on you like that and expect you to…well, you know, I do understand that now”.  
Gary gently smiled and nodded, “its ok, Rob - let’s just pretend it never happened, yeah?”, he said thankfully, and for which he even received a small smile from Robbie in return. That was all before, Gary innocently (and without really thinking) added, “and well, if it’s any consolation, you were very hard to turn down”. Gary smiled, but he was the only one.  
Robbie’s smile had instantly vanished, as he took a double take to make sure it was Gary who had actually said that.  
“Are you serious?!” He looked Gary deep in the eyes, and he found his answer, “You DID consider it, didn’t you?! I can see it on your face!”  
Gary suddenly felt caught in the headlights, he’d already given too much away, “I, well…I mean, for a moment I–”, but realising the mistake of his flippant remark, he quickly tried to remedy the situation; “…look let’s not talk about it now, ok?”  
Robbie’s face immediately grew serious.  
“No, I want to hear you say it! So tell me the truth, you wanted to say yes, didn’t you?!” Robbie demanded.  
Gary was stuck between a rock and a hard place – he knew exactly where this was going… “Rob, please, it does no good to –”  
“F-fuck sake! Fuck that! Just f– TELL ME!” Robbie yelled, while half slurring his words.....but in anger, or drunkenness? Gary wasn't sure.  
Gary looked at him with caution, Robbie was never a good drunk; he just hoped he wouldn’t remember this tomorrow… “Fine, Rob! YES! …For a moment, I wanted to say yes”. He watched Robbie’s pupils dilate, “but then sense kicked in, and I realised I couldn’t!” he quickly added.  
Robbie was flabbergasted, “I can’t believe this! But we could’ve been –”  
“But what does it matter now? You said you regret asking now anyway.” Gary reasoned, calmly.  
“No, I didn’t!” Robbed yelled, his voice becoming shrill, “It was because of what you AND Mark told me! …You could say that ‘sense kicked in’ there too; because I was made to realise it was ridiculous of me to ask! BUT if you were thinking about saying yes, then it can’t have been all that ridiculous!”  
“Rob, its best we don’t go over it again” Gary said, still trying to sedate the situation.  
“I thought so too, until you told me you wanted to say yes! What am I supposed to do with that now?!” Robbie glowered at him, his eyes bright with anger.  
“I’m sorry Rob, I shouldn’t have said that, I wasn’t thinking.”  
“You mean, you weren’t letting your h-head get in the way of your heart, f-for once!” Robbie scoffed.  
“Oh, don’t start that again!” Gary said bluntly, now irritated by Robbie’s drunken words. Robbie however, was in no mood to stop…  
“But it’s bloody true! …You always do this to me!” he continued to yell.  
“What does that mean?!” Gary questioned, with exasperated confusion.  
“YOU! You always fuck with my head like this! Whenever I think I’m getting a handle on things, you just come and…well, it’s not fair, Gaz – you can’t do this to me, again!” his voice broke.  
Gary cast his eyes downwards, and heaved a sigh, “I’m sorry…I’m honestly trying not to. But’s it’s not like I know where I exactly stand with you, I don’t know what you want from me, neither.”  
But Robbie scoffed at that too, “Oh come off it, Gary! It’s _obvious_ what I WANT! Anybody can see that!” He reached up and clumsily grabbed Gary's top pulling him down to sit opposite him, while accidently knocking the empty glasses over on the tray at the same time (not that he noticed).  
“Look…I get it,” he started, more calmly as he reached his hands over to Gary; “I fucked up, it was the biggest mistake of my life, and I regret it every single day! AND then I thought I made another stupid mistake proposing to you like that, but if you…I mean you did just turn around and tell me you were going to say yes, so now I’m thinking…well, I don’t even know!” Robbie said, while looking intently into Gary’s eyes, without really focusing, “What am I supposed to think, Gaz?! I’m so confused!”  
Gary was helplessly torn, as his eyes fell on to Robbie’s hands still placed over his own. “I know, I’m sorry”, he said quietly.

Robbie’s demeanour changed, “Stop saying sorry, and just tell me what you want!” he said irritably, brushing away the words, and removing his hands from Gary’s. “Can you see a way for us, or not?! I NEED to know n-now!”  
“I…I….” Gary stuttered. He honestly didn’t know what to say for the best, but pausing only allowed Robbie time to jump to conclusions…  
“Oh, I get it!” Robbie seethed, “Am I supposed to just wait around for you, waiting for you to toss me some crumbs?!"  
Gary furiously shook his head, “I….I’m not asking you to do that, Rob!”  
“No, you’re not. Not directly anyway – yet here I am! Pinning all my hopes on a slip of your tongue!” Robbie grumbled. 

Exhausted by the confrontation, Gary could only sigh and be honest, “I just want us to stay friends Rob…right now, I just want us to look after our dogs, to be able to work together, to show the others we can, and then maybe we–”  
“Well, I can’t Gary!” Robbie suddenly blurted out.  
Gary looked at him in confusion, “What do you mean?” he asked tentatively.  
“I can’t just BE friends with you”, Robbie bluntly told him, “It doesn’t work! I don’t think I can even work with you”.  
Gary’s confusion grew, “But we’ve been doing so well…” Robbie raised his eyebrows, “well, we were ok until now, at least” he added.  
“No, YOU’VE been ok, Gaz! I haven’t!” He cast his eyes downward, staring into an empty glass still before him, trying to focus.  
“I’m not blaming you Gaz, but you make it so much harder…I just can’t get over you! But…” He paused before he quietly added, “well…it seems like I have to. So you know what, for my own self preservation, I’m done.”  
Gary’s eyes widened with shock, “Wait, Rob, just let me…”  
“No!” Robbie interrupted, “I waited 20 years last time, and I am done waiting for something that may never happen now! If you can’t give me what I want now, then it’s time for this 'circus show' to all be over, so what's it gonna be?!” Robbie asked on automatic drive now, at least his harsh mouth was; it had ran away from him, and Gary couldn’t keep up…  
“Rob, I…I can’t just say –”  
“Then I am fucking done with you!” Robbie huffed vehemently, completely fed up with Gary’s excuses, “I’m done with YOU!  
“Rob!” Gary cried, as the hurtful words hit their target and sank through his heart, like a dagger.  
But Robbie wouldn’t let him explain, he wanted Gary to feel his pain, “No, I’m finishing it this time, so get that through that thick head of yours, and your cold heart!” He said acidly, “and I hope it brings you comfort Gary, because no one else will! I honestly don’t even know how I put up with your shit for so fucking long!” 

There was silence.  
Gary starred at the man before him;there was a strange look in his eyes, like Robbie was shocked at his own words. A dead silence stayed between them which therefore only left Robbie’s last words to replay in both their heads. The more it hurtfully replayed, the more the cold acidic words stung; and built an invisible wall between them. 

Gary was in shock.  
He didn’t know what to do, or what to say, if in fact there was anything left to say after that. He felt his chest tighten with emotion, and could only bring his head to slowly nod his acceptance.  
Feeling the emotion quickly overcoming him, he quickly cleared his throat dryly, “Well, I…erm, I think you should still go over to the booth, and be with the other guys – they want to make sure you’re ok.” He quietly offered, standing up from the table.

A look of comprehension, suddenly dawned on Robbie’s face, like he suddenly registered what he'd said and instantly it softened his expression. Yet, when he opened his mouth, no words came.  
Robbie was at a loss for words.  
He felt in a daze, still in complete denial of what had just happened. He had no idea what had come over him, he couldn’t believe what he’d just said, had he even really said all that? Robbie hadn’t even recognised his own voice, it just had all cascaded out of his mouth like a verbal avalanche and once he’d started, he couldn’t stop himself.

Gary turned his eyes away, focusing them elsewhere, anywhere but Robbie.  
Yet before departing, he looked back (but without looking Robbie in the eye), “If it makes things easier, I don’t think I’ll be staying much longer anyway”, he said steadily but quietly, and then he was gone. 

Still in complete shock, Robbie didn’t even see that Gary had already walked away, and faded into the crowd where Robbie couldn’t find him.  
A sudden darkness came over him, like a veil, it wrapped itself around him and began to tighten, squeezing him until he felt sick and couldn’t breathe. All the time the words, _his_ own ugly words repeated in his mind, they wouldn’t stop; his head was swirling so fast.  
He went to stand up but instantly felt a whoosh of light-headiness, it took all he had to stumble over to the booth. 

The other three lads were there, but no Gary.  
He craned his neck around, searching but sadly not finding the dapper green eyed man, then Mark suddenly yanked him by his tee shirt and pulled him down beside him; “Nice to see you’ve finally decided to join us!” Mark said with mocked annoyance.  
“Er….yeah, have you see Gaz?” Robbie asked, trying to keep his voice even but still furtively darting his eyes around, looking for the man in question. It was something that didn’t escape Mark, who narrowed his eyes, “why…?” he asked slowly.  
“I just need to find him, did you see where he went, or not?” Robbie asked, now growing impatient under Mark’s scrutiny. But Mark knew him too well, “What did you do, this time?” Mark asked, not even trying to hide his frustration.  
“It doesn’t matter”.  
“Well, then – you best just stay here Rob, you’re in no fit state for talking sense now anyway”, Mark said seriously, “here – have a lemonade and try to sober up!” he added, handing over the glass to a confused Robbie.  
“But I AM NOT DRUNK!” He argued…except he did feel drunk...was he drunk?!

********************************************************************************

 

As it turned out, Gary was still in the club, he was at the bar and he was not alone. 

He had only made it as far as the cloakroom, when his progress had been hindered by a tall, well turned-out blond in a sharp grey suit, with a red tie.  
“You can’t be leaving, already?! Lucas Harrison-Turner asked.  
“Yes, sorry I am”, Gary apologised, “I’m just so tired” he lied. The truth was, he was literally just about holding it together after Robbie’s strong words, but he wasn’t sure exactly how much longer he could stand it without completely breaking down.

"But you've not even had a drink with me yet, come on!” and with that, Lucas physically guided (and thus coerced) Gary, by the arm, back towards the bar. Gary was a bit surprised by the familiarity Lucas showed him, considering they’d only spoken a couple of times, but even so, he allowed himself to be guided to a stool at the bar. Lucas called a bartender over, and instantly a large glass of red wine was placed in front of Gary. In fact the remainder of the bottle was also brought over, which Gary suspected, was a very bad idea!  
“Thanks, but I don’t think I’ll be very good company to be honest” Gary said earnestly, while trying to stay professional.  
“Why, has something happened? Let me guess – Ex-boyfriend stuff, right?” Lucas asked with sincere eyes. The question immediately had Gary on his guard – had it been obvious from his face that he’d had an argument with Robbie, he honestly didn’t think he was that readable!  
But there was no point in lying; “yeah you could say that, nothing major though, we’ll be fine” Gary lied, he was adept at making sure he never gave any potential ‘ tabloid sources’ any ammo that could lead to printed lies. 

“I know how hard it is to work with your ex-boyfriend. Mine used to work at the studio we just closed”, Lucas offered freely.  
But Gary was confused, _‘did he mean he had an 'ex' or an ex-boyfriend, was he gay?’_  
He felt awkward about asking, so simply replied, “Sorry, I didn’t realise you were just getting out of a relationship too, you hide it so well”.  
Lucas smiled knowingly at Gary, as if he could read his mind.  
That thought terrified Gary.  
“You didn’t realise I had a recent Ex, or that I had a recent Ex-BOYfriend?” he asked with a confident smirk.  
Gary couldn’t help but feel flustered, he always worried he’d put his foot in his mouth with this type of thing, “S-sorry, I’m…I’m not good asking stuff like that....Not that's it's any of my business, of course!” He said nervously. He didn’t know why, but something about Lucas suddenly made him feel naïve and socially inept.

“Well, how about we just get it out into the open Gary”, Lucas said with a commanding tone, “Yes, I’m gay, and I know how it is to work with a recent ex - so I can assure you, you’re in good company right now!”.  
Gary still felt uneasy though, “Well, I still think you’ll be regretting buying me this wine soon, I’m just not much fun to be around”, he said trying to drop the hint. He just honestly wanted to go home, and dwell on the complete mess that was that day.  
But either Lucas, didn’t get the hint, or he was just ignoring it, as he refilled Gary’s glass and told him, “What nonsense! I’ve been wanting to talk to you all evening, I just couldn’t get you on your own”.  
“Oh, was there something you wanted to discuss regarding the studio? Because we’ll be finished there by the weekend, for a while at least anyway –”  
“No, it’s not that” Lucas said with a smile (actually he was smiling at Gary’s sweet naivety), “See, how do I put this –”, Lucas continued still flashing that confident smile of his, “you’re the only one I want to talk to, in fact this whole evening has kind of been orchestrated around that intention, well, at least semi-organised with that intent”, Lucas told him.  
Gary would’ve admired how Lucas seemed to speak so easy, so unrestrained; if it weren’t for the fact that Lucas was also making Gary feel more and more uncomfortable.  
Lucas seemed to notice this immediately, “Not in a weird stalker-ish way, can I add! I just meant because you’re such a hard man to tie down!” he said with a dirty look, “I thought this would be the perfect excuse to get you on your own”.

Gary looked at Lucas with more confusion, he really had no idea why. “I still don’t understand…why did you want to talk to me, on my own?”  
“Oh, Gary, you’re adorable but seriously don’t you get it already?!” Lucas asked him, “…..I like you. I like you A LOT.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave it there, for now. I do wonder what you think of Lucas though! ;) ….thanks for reading, and for all your lovely comments, lots more to come! Sorry again, for the long chapter, but the next chapter is shorter I promise! :) xx


	22. Make You My Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Robbie’s drunk, Gary’s been dumped, and Lucas has just confessed his feelings for him – could things possibly get any worse?

## Make You My Own

_…..I like you. I like you A LOT._

“Huh?!” was the only response Gary managed as Lucas’ last words rang in his head. He was sure he’d heard wrong, or misunderstood somehow. But Lucas simply chuckled softly and repeated himself, “I said, I like you”.  
“Oh, ok - what like…huh?!” The words were slowly sinking in, but the meaning behind them was still unsure, and it made him nervous.  
“You’re so cute when you’re freaked out!” Lucas commented with a gleaming smile, “I mean, I like you, in a ‘you’re-such-an-adorably-cute,-sweet,-talented-guy,-who-I-find-attractive,-and-would-like-to-get-to-know-more’, kind of way!” he said, proudly and unabashed.

“Oh, I see… wow! That’s so sweet of you…I…I’m sorry, this has just taken me by surprise somewhat”, he awkwardly said, feeling his cheeks instantly flush, “it’s a lot to take in.”  
“I completely get that, I mean, I know you’re going through some stuff right now –” Lucas started.  
“ _Stuff_ ?! – I literally just very publically broke up with a very famous boyfriend!” Gary interrupted, immediately taking offense to Lucas’ off-hand comment about HIS relationship.  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you, I just meant, I get that; and I’m honestly not expecting anything back from you, I just couldn’t not tell you how I felt – especially since _certain people_ have made you feel so bad about yourself recently, with cheating, and everything….I just wanted to tell you someone else does like you, you know, so don’t feel bad about yourself.” Lucas finished, so awkwardly trying so hard to remove ‘his foot from his mouth’, that Gary thought it endearing.  
“That’s really sweet of you”, Gary told him honestly, “…and actually kinda really brave too, I mean, I don’t want to sound egotistical, but I’m a –”  
“Famous celebrity superstar?” Lucas interjected.  
“Well, yeah…I guess”, Gary reasoned, “It’s brave of you to admit that, like that…I honestly wish I was that brave”.  
Lucas smiled perceptively, and a glint flashed in his eyes, causing Gary to blush without knowing why. Then an uncomfortable silence fell between them, causing Gary to fidget with both his thumbs and the now empty glass he was rolling between his fingers. Lucas watched him closely, particularly his body language. Gary felt Lucas’ eyes looking him over, and it made his face burn, as his cheeks furiously blushed once more.

“Wow, I’ve made things incredibly awkward and uncomfortable for you, haven’t I?” Lucas teased, after a moment. To Gary’s surprise, he didn’t sound nervous and apologetic, if anything, he sounded pleased with himself. “I’ll understand if you want to leave, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, like I said, I just wanted to make you feel better about yourself” Lucas added.  
Gary honestly did want to leave.  
He felt incredibly awkward, absolutely uncomfortable, and something about Lucas just put him on edge. Besides, he was in no mood to make small talk, when his heart had just been destroyed only minutes ago. Gary wanted to excuse himself so that he could leave with dignity, before he went home and frankly, cried his eyes out.  
….but then, he thought to himself, _‘Lucas did just admit his feelings, which must’ve took some courage, I mean most people can’t even approach me…and well, he did buy me this wine’_ he further contemplated. The wine was really nice too. He genuinely felt bad for the guy; Gary wasn’t interested in him, in the slightest, but he couldn’t just up and run like that – it’d be rude and ungracious, and that just wasn’t him. 

Upon realising Lucas was actually expecting an answer, however, Gary rushed to break the silence and stuttered, “nnnnoo…no. It’s ok,” he told him with a weak nervous smile, “I’ll stay. I mean, especially considering you’ve bought this bottle of fine wine, the least I can do is stay and help you drink it!” Gary said, flashing the famous dazzling smile he was so adept of producing on demand, even when he didn’t much feel it inside. Lucas appeared to buy it, and seemed incredibly satisfied with Gary’s suggestion, “that’s very kind of you Mr Barlow”, he said with a low tone, “and with that in mind, let me refill your glass”, Lucas offered with a wink, congenially smiling as he picked up the bottle, and swiftly refilled Gary’s and his own glass one more; albeit pouring nearly twice as much in Gary’s glass, than he did in his own. Gary noticed this too, and instantly got a strange feeling, but nevertheless smiled graciously back at the suave blond. 

 

At first, Gary still felt too painfully awkward to say much, which was fine because as it happened, Lucas seemed to have a lot to say for himself, but as more wine flowed; the easier he felt. Robbie and the day’s heartache seemed to drift further away from him, with each new sip. Lucas in particular seemed very pleased with himself, as he noticed that the more Gary drunk, the more cheery he became. 

 

From across the room, through a small break in the crowd Robbie watched them both: the love of his life, with an ill-chosen slime-ball of a drinking companion. The fact that Gary hadn’t actually left or returned to the band’s booth, hurt Robbie. As far as the other lads were aware, they had all assumed Gary had left, only Robbie knew different. He didn’t tell the other lads though, because they’d tell him to stop looking, but he knew he had to keep an eye on Gary. 

Knowing he had to look out for Gary, quickly sobered Robbie, especially after Lucas sent a smirk in his direction - intentionally catching Robbie’s eye from across club. Robbie instantly knew his game; Lucas was trying it on with Gary, and he was making sure Robbie could see everything. Robbie sent a look of complete contempt his way. He felt immediate hatred for the smarmy Lucas Harris-Turner who had obviously decided to not only use tonight to crank up his flirtation with Gary, but to also cement a solid wedge between Robbie and Gary too. Robbie now more than ever, suspected Lucas had stitched him up with the so-called non-alcoholic champagne, and consequently fuelled his and Gary’s latest spat earlier on. But on top of that, to now watch the slime ball so obviously leer at his Gary; to cosy up to him, pouring him glass after glass – it all made Robbie’s blood boil! 

Barely listening to the conversations around him, including those involving him, all he could do was stare at both men, as one brushed up against the other, then as their knees knocked together when they shared a laugh. Under the table, Robbie’s fists clenched tight, painfully boring his nails into his skin; but it was all he could do to control himself from going over and dragging the slimy rot-bag away from Gary. He continued to watch Lucas lightly brush Gary’s arm, then his wrist. The more he watched, the more his hatred of Lucas grew, and the more he felt helpless. Until finally, ‘did he just touch Gary’s leg?!’ Robbie furiously thought to himself as he craned his neck to get a better view; and once confirmed, his seething increased ten-fold. He wanted to go straight over there and _’punch Lucas firmly in his stupid square jaw, the boyfriend-stealing bastard!’_  
…except as that last thought soaked in, Robbie forlornly realised he couldn’t, because he owned no right to Gary anymore, his own earlier (and now very regretful) words had sealed that. 

There was nothing he could do but painfully watch another man attempt to steal his Gary away from him, maybe forever.

 

************************************************************************************************

“Your ‘Ex’ keeps looking in this direction! I don’t think he’s too pleased to see me drinking with you. He’s looks completely hammered too!” Lucas said barely concealing his glee. Gary unfortunately was too intoxicated himself, to sense the pleasure Lucas was taking from his and Robbie’s situation. – Not that he could care a rat’s arse about Lucas, for in that moment all he heard was ‘Robbie’ and ‘looking’, and Gary’s attention was immediately sent elsewhere.  
Something that Lucas did not fail to notice…  
“He’s whaaa –” Gary hiccupped, suddenly straining to look behind him into the crowd.  
“DON’T LOOK!” Lucas hastily told him, “or he’ll think we’re talking about him!”  
Gary completely ignored him, he needed to see whether Robbie had indeed seen them. Lucas frustratingly noticed this too, “…but I bet he’s the type that would actually love it if we WERE talking about him, no doubt he loves his ego being massaged like that!” Lucas continued.  
Gary immediately turned back to Lucas, “He’s not really like that! You don’t even know him!” he sharply spat. Lucas was surprised by that response from Gary, “ok, so obviously not ready to ‘Ex-boyfriend bash’ yet – my mistake, I apologise – that was completely out of line, of me!” he offered.  
Gary’s face immediately softened as he realised the alcohol now coursing through his veins, had caused him to be a little harsh, “sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so hostile, I just – well, it’s still all very raw”, he reasoned.  
Lucas smiled, undeterred, “Of course, I just thought, because you know…what with him having cheated on you, you’d hate his guts!”  
Gary quietly chuckled a little at that. “No – I could never hate Robbie”, he said it so matter-of-factly, like it was inconceivable, and to him, it was. 

Having tried and failed again to spot Robbie in the crowd however, Gary could only spin back around and fondle his wine glass in deep thought instead. Except the sudden motion caused him to feel incredibly lightheaded and queasy – he was suddenly feeling the effects of copious amount of alcohol he had consumed so quickly. He needed to just go home, “I’m sorry, but I think I better go” Gary said, “thank you for the wine, again”, he added as he moved to stand up. But as he got to his feet the world suddenly shifted and he wobbled, barely staying vertical as he lost his footing.  
“Woooah there!” Lucas caught him, “you’re not going to make it far…on your own”, he added in a low tone as he held onto Gary’s elbow, supporting him. “How about I take you home eh? I mean, I don’t really know if there's a protocol for just shoving superstars into the back of a taxi cab, but I definitely don’t think you should go alone” Lucas told him, with a small smirk crinkling at the corner of his lips.  
Gary was mortified by the suggestion, “No….th-that’s sweet of you to oof-fer but I….I’ll be fine, really!” he told him. But Lucas rolled his eyes at Gary’s drunken speech, “Yeah, it really sounds like it!” he mocked, “besides, I’m not taking no for an answer”, he said, before in a whisper, he added, “I promise no _funny business_ if that’s what you’re worried about”.  
“No!” Gary said a little too quickly, trying to cover up for the fact that he was concerned about Lucas’ intentions, particularly considering the man had already succeeded in getting him to first stay, and then get very drunk too. YET what also worried Gary, was the ‘visual’ of a drunken popstar leaving a swanky London club, completely trounced, and clinging to the arm of a _‘mysterious man’_ , and getting into the back of a taxi cab with said man…he could already see the tabloid headlines!

“Really, I’m fine!” he tried again. But Lucas was already obliging him, still with a firm hold on Gary’s elbow, the tall blond led him through the club, and towards the exit – but thankfully not the front, it was to a side door, ensuring he could at least escape the lurking paparazzi …but unfortunately, not his band mates. As Lucas half guided/half dragged Gary to the side exit, it took them right past the booth where they were met with the baffled and concerned eyes of his band mates. Gary flashed by the table so fast he just barely had time to slur out “see you to-tomorrow lads!” – but it was met by only confused stares, from all except Robbie who’s fixed expression was unreadable. 

Then Gary was gone, and the stuffy noisy blur of inside the club, gave way to the quiet cool sobering air outside. Gary took a deep breath and tried to settle his spinning head – the gentle brush of cold air felt so good across his face. He opened his eyes and saw Lucas smiling at him, and suddenly Gary felt more conscious of his surroundings; of what he was doing, of where he was going. His first thought was that he needed to go back inside, with the lads.  
Lucas however, had hailed down a cab, and ushered Gary into the back of it, all before Gary’s feet could catch up with his head. Lucas asked where he lived, and at first Gary was apprehensive about divulging his address, but then considering the alternative was probably to go back to Lucas’ instead, he thought better of it; and learning forward, he relayed the details to the driver. 

As he sat back down to join Lucas, he still felt the effects of alcohol still surging through him. Lucas draped an arm around him, resting it on the back seat behind his head, and smiled down at him. Gary was honestly bewildered on how the night had progressed from Robbie telling him, he was _‘done with him’_ , to now having drunk himself so far into submission, that he, Gary Barlow, was now heading back to his house with a guy he barely knew. Oh, and a guy that had only that night confessed his feelings for Gary. His head was certainly spinning; it was all happening so fast, and he had no idea what would happen when they reached Gary’s – except he knew one thing for sure, he was definitely not going to sleep with another man. 

They reached his road, and parked outside the house. Lucas was already paying the driver, leaving a confused and still drunk Gary, to consider his options, as best he could. Could he simply say ‘thanks’, and quickly retreat inside alone?! That’s what he wanted to do for sure…. _’but wasn’t that rude?’_ , he wondered to himself; the guy had after all, just brought him safely home. ‘Maybe I should at least invite him in for a cuppa’, Gary considered.  
He worried Lucas might perceive that as an invitation to his bed, but then Gary remembered that Lucas, himself, had promised, _‘no funny business’_

…so what could it hurt?

 

_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’ll soon find out what happens, in next week’s chapter! Thank you once again for reading and all your lovely comments – they always help motivate me to get started on the next chapter right away, so thank you! Xx


	23. Losing Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary wakes up with a painful head the next day, but is that all? ;)

## Losing Control

Gary woke up with a head so painful it felt like someone had been sitting on it until his brain squeezed against his skull; he was in other words, so completely hungover. He groaned assessing the situation - his mouth was dry and sticky, his eyes would barely open and the arms clenched tightly around his waist were hot and stifling...  
It only took a split second for a hideous moment of realisation to hit him as he realised _those_ arms wound around him, did not belong to him; and as the memories of the night-before subsequently began to slowly flood his mind, the bottom fell out of his world.

*******************************************************

_8 hours earlier…_

Gary couldn’t recall how it had started, all he knew was one minute he was switching on the filter coffee machine, then the next minute as he put out two mugs, a pair of moisturised lips were already on his neck. They Kissed him softly on his pulse point, and then moved upwards to behind his ear, caressing his skin with little butterfly kisses; it was all just like Robbie used to do when he’d surprise Gary by tiptoeing downstairs in the morning and creeping up behind him. Robbie knew ears were Gary’s weak spot.  
And so, Gary was already completely intoxicated. The sensual sweet caresses, stopped however when suddenly the lips left his skin; so where once was warm lips and hot breath was now bare skin left moist, allowing cool air to brush against it, invoking a wave of arousal to shower over him, as well as an eruption of goose pimples. He involuntarily moaned from the stimulating sensation, being completely taken in by it; but left with no time to savour it as he was quite suddenly (and somewhat forcibly) spun around by a pair of strong arms that had ensnared him, and pulled him into a deep kiss. Those long arms wrapped themselves around, pulling him closer, kissing him harder – Gary remembered how Robbie always loved doing that.

The kissing very quickly became more desperate and urgent.  
But it was not about the intense feeling the other’s lips, or every sensual arousing touch, and the building of an intimate connection between them (like with Robbie), no - it was pure carnal desire. Gary’s body was in control now, his head was too intoxicated, and as another’s body pushed him backwards out of the kitchen and into the wall of the hallway, roughly pushing him up against a wall at the foot of the stairs; all his body could do was release a deep lustful moan of content. 

As bodies continued to collide, and rub up against each other, the lust rose to biblical proportions until clothes was being tugged at, and torn, desperate to unleash the flesh beneath. Gary later had no recollection of whether it was his idea to go upstairs or his companion’s, but soon he was being guided up the staircase – or was he pulling the other up to join him?! Was he undressing himself, or was the other doing it for him; he wasn’t sure. 

Clothes were flung off, as if in a whirlwind, cascading down the stairs, draping over the banister in a clumsy manner. By the time they arrived in the bedroom, Gary now leading the way, they were both bare, save for their briefs. As soon as they were in the bedroom, the door was slammed and Gary was hastily driven backwards across the room, his feet barely touching the plush carpet, as he was forced back onto the bed. His head, dazed, remembered how much Robbie loved to do that, to show he was taking the control.  
Falling into his soft duvet, grabbing at the silk sheets, as a hot and now bare naked body clambered unceremoniously on top of him, Gary remembered it was Robbie who had bought these sheets; he’d gone one of his impulsive online shopping sprees, and bought several duvet sets, seven to be precise. That thought caused him to smile as a tongue invaded his mouth all the more.  
Gary’s mind was still on the sheets…and on Robbie, all the while another's body was busy smothering Gary’s skin with wet kisses, while clawing at his chest with the intention to leave marks. Gary felt the other body’s pure want, and carnal need as a pair of hips pushed roughly up against his own, impatiently driving a hardened member up against Gary’s own. Gary instantly felt his own desire mount inside him, in response, and he desperately groaned once more. The hips gyrated with excitement, pushing harder and more frantically against him, causing the friction to become so insane, Gary worried something would catch alight. It felt intoxicating, if not a little too rough, for Robbie's doing. Not that Gary cared, his mind was presently lost from the arousal of a hand as it suddenly reached in between the sweaty bodies, and under the elasticated waist band of his tight dampened briefs.  
Gary hitched his breath as he felt the soft fingers make contact with now very swollen shaft.  
The long fingers fondled him with zealous, bringing a welcome but strange touch he’d never experienced before. The difference triggered something in his head, and he thought about the sheets again, Robbie's indulgent sheets. 

...It all felt so different, too different, and Gary suddenly wasn't so sure. But before he could object (and perhaps from sensing a change in Gary’s demeanour), the other's hand cupped Gary's testicles, massaging him desperately fast, and causing an instant reaction in Gary.  
His mind went blank, as a pair of lips smothered his own once more, but it was all getting so heavy, too fast.  
Gary was incredibly aroused but stifled too. He was not used to the different weight that now laid on him, it made him feel smothered and hot. He shook his head from side to side, trying to supress the relentless lips, trying to free himself, but all the while a messy and desperate hand job continued below. It was quickly reaching a peak, Gary could feel it, and he struggled to take in a breath, because it was all getting too much for him at a same time…Robbie would always sense Gary’s 'mid-erotic-liaison' panic and slow down until they were both more comfortable, but there was no slowing down now. A hot sweaty mass was on top of him, stifling him; constricting and suffocating, while delivering a rapid and desperately chaotic hand job. Gary needed an urgent release – from either the body on top of him, or from the explosive orgasmic build up within him! 

Just as Gary thought he could take no more, the hand job suddenly stopped, as did the gyrating, and the weight - he was released. Except now he didn’t want it, he wanted ‘release’ of a different sort. Feeling incredibly needy, he bucked his hips up against the man still hovering over him, but the hint was ignored. With his eyes glued shut against the world, Gary only heard a satisfied snigger, before his lips were claimed once more, allowing Gary only a moment to catch a small breath before a tongue was pushed into his mouth, causing Gary to fidget and moan against it. The contact however, was pulling him upwards away from the bed, with his legs pulled towards the bottom of the bed, until Gary was finally in a seated position at the end of the bed.

The lips left him once more, and Gary opened his eyes to watch a head of now messy blond hair, dip and fall into his lap, while large hands spread his thighs apart.  
Gary expected it but was still surprised when it came; he took in a shocked sharp intake of air as a warm wet mouth suddenly took in the length of his rigidly stiff and swollen throbbing cock. The mouth immediately took in as much length as possible before slowly pulling off it, grazing the sensitive skin with his teeth. Gary groaned in new chords, and as soon as the cool air hit the wet saliva now coating his cock, Gary reached new decibels in his groans, so erotically sprung, and desperate for more.  
And he was given more, as his member was taken in all over again, bit by bit, sucking him off, with relish. It was all Gary could do, to grasp the bobbing head of hair between his legs, in need, in desperation to be released. He grabbed the hair, pulling it, and drawing it through his fingers, as he guided himself further into the warm moist busy mouth - it was pure pleasure!  
Gary soon felt that familiar sensation building up inside him, he held on to it - feeling that pull somewhere below his navel causing his cock to throb even more, and then came the little sparks clouding his vision; and he groaned deeply, feeling himself coming hard. The mouth must’ve felt this too as it suddenly gave one final hard suck and Gary immediately felt himself accelerate at warp speed into an orgasmic explosion. He gave one final loud gruff as he spilled himself into the mouth of his companion in his lap, before he succumbed to exhaustion and collapsed back into the soft duvet behind him, completely spent. 

Gary closed his eyes in relief; still seeing the tiny glittering sparks of erotic ecstasy, as the remnants of his orgasm lingered a moment before dissipating completely. As he began to recover his ears picked up two sets of heavy breathing, and soon he was joined by his skilful companion, who crawled back up the bed and collapsed beside him. Lucas slithered a sweaty arm across Gary’s bare chest, gently walking his fingers up through the tight curly golden strands of chest hair that glistened with tiny beads of sweat. Feeling the new sensation, Gary turned his head and looked straight into the gleaming eyes of Lucas Harris-Turner, lying there beside him.  


A sobering moment of chilling realisation hit Gary like a tonne of bricks.  
There was no doubt, he wasn’t with Robbie, all his comparisons were now only a memory. Robbie hadn’t just gone down on him, Lucas had. He’d just had a sexual encounter with another man! Lucas – a guy he barely knew!

Gary felt dizzy. He tried to furiously work his head around it all - how he’d gone from Robbie proposing to him just that afternoon, to having oral sex with the studio rep in the space of a few hours!  
As his mind worked itself into an inward punishing frenzy of confusion and guilt, it inevitably drifted back to Robbie, and Gary felt sick to his stomach; ‘How would Robbie take it?’ ‘What would he say?!’ Gary’s mind was flooded with thoughts of Robbie’s reaction, as it spun itself into a vortex of turmoil.  
He knew Robbie would likely hate him forever, regardless of Robbie’s cheating and lying, regardless of the fact Robbie said he was done with him, Gary knew this would destroy him and any chance of a reconciliation.  
It was all too much to take in! A storm of emotion controlled his head, threatening to break free. He couldn't believe what he'd done, he couldn't take it in, he couldn't even remember to breathe! He struggled a little, feeling suddenly claustrophobic from the restraint of Lucas’ body wrapping itself him, as well as from the weight of his mental guilt.  
In a bid to calm down, he tried to wrench himself free and pull himself up from the mattress but a strong pair of arms ensnared him, halting his progress and tightening its suffocating grip, “Hold on there, where are you going?” Lucas suddenly started, his voice seductively playful, “I’m not finished with you yet!” he smiled.  
Lucas began kissing him again, and Gary’s body fell into the embrace, and even strangely calmed, as did his breathing. Any mental struggle became inward once more; as a set of busy lips caressed his collar bone, before a tongue moved to trace the vein in his neck. Gary, now held in Lucas’s seductive clutch, felt instantly weakened – and all too soon completely under Lucas’ power once more, and the suave studio rep knew it, “Round Two I’d say...” Lucas breathed into Gary’s ear, before launching himself at Gary in another raw erotic, practically animalistic attack. 

*************************************************************

 

_Back to 8 hours later…_

After detangling himself from a still slumbering Lucas, Gary left him in _his_ bed, and silently made his way downstairs; lightly padding down the stairs and avoiding the creaky ones – frankly wanting to put as much space between him and Lucas, as possible. 

He felt so dirty. Guilty. He felt almost a stranger to himself, he didn’t recognise himself at all!  
Yes, he’d had one night stands with girls back in the day, but never with a bloke. Robbie was his first, and he had hoped, his last and only. But that was the other problem; one night stand aside, he may not know Lucas all that well, but he was not some stranger he picked up, Lucas worked in the studio and they (the band) still needed to spend the next couple of days there while they made final adjustments. Gary and Lucas were bound to awkwardly bump into each other! But even that wasn’t the real problem – Robbie, (and the other lads) finding out would be much worse.  
Gary knew Robbie had to know, and _he_ needed to be the one to tell him. It would be hard, and Robbie would hate him; for Gary knew that whether they were together or not, _this_ still wasn’t right, and would definitely hurt Robbie to hear.

He was suddenly stopped in his intensely self-loathing reverie, interrupted by the sound of movement upstairs. _‘Crap!’_ he frantically thought, staying stock-still to listen harder. Gary had a massive hangover, and could barely recollect what they exactly got up to last night, but from his soreness, he knew they’d had quite a bit of rough sex after the initial blow job. That thought sent a shiver down his spine, how the hell were they supposed to act at the studio – they’d likely have to awkwardly avoid each other, it was the only option!  
That final resolution lingered in Gary's mind, just as a smiling Lucas bounced into the kitchen with a bright grin.  
“Morning Gorgeous!” Lucas said with a wide grin. With a spring in his step, he walked up to Gary and placed a gentle peck on Gary’s now very flushed cheek, “hope you don’t mind but I’m already late for work”, Lucas started apologetically (and Gary inwardly breathed a sigh of relief predicting Lucas was about to rapidly excuse himself…thankfully), “so I’ve ordered a taxi”, Lucas continued (and Gary smiled), “…for us both, to the studio - since I figured you’d still be over the limit to take us in, it’ll be here in 30 minutes”, he declared with a smile, before he turned away to grab a spare mug off the side.  
Gary's smile dropped, _‘Oh shit!’_ Gary screamed in his head - completely stunned, he instantly knew things were about to get a lot more complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really sorry, as I know that’s not what a lot of you wanted to happen, but even GB can make mistakes. You’ll have to wait till next chapter to see how Gary deals with the aftermath when he faces the music with the other lads at the studio - and how Robbie will react when he finds out?! ;)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and commenting, as always I appreciate it so much xxx


	24. Hope You Hear Me Thinking Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary has a lot of explaining to do. (I keep meaning to say my apologies for the strong language sometimes used.)

## Hope You Hear Me Thinking Too

Gary was somewhat confused. Well, perplexedly stunned would be more accurate. He knew he wasn’t a frequenter of one night stands, but he was sure it didn’t include going to work together the next day.  
He wasn’t sure what to do, maybe he should make some excuse for not going to the studio, he thought to himself.  
Lucas turned back to him, having filled his coffee mug, and smiled. Gary felt himself flush, he felt so alien in his own skin, “Erm…right” Gary said trying to be as nonchalantly as possible, particularly as Lucas approached him and tried to cuddle him, “I better go take a shower then”, Gary quickly said, avoiding Lucas’ embrace as he made a beeline for the stairs.  
“Shame, I’ve just taken one – otherwise I would’ve joined you!” Lucas called, to which Gary could only shyly laugh in reply. However, Gary's fake demeanour dropped as soon as he was out of view. In fact he felt a slightly indignant scowl form on his face as he ascended the stairs; – Yes, he may not be used to all this but, _‘surely first asking to use someone else’s shower, before actually using it was the etiquette thing to do?’_ , he silently considered. He wasn’t too sure his en-suite bathroom was even ‘guest-ready’ – _‘wait – was Lucas even a guest?’_ he pondered. But once up the stairs, only a worried frown could be found on his face as he surveyed the damage; messy bedsheets and scattered clothes strewn across the room produced an instant queasy feeling as he was reminded of the previous night’s activity, in mere memory flashes. Then he saw it, a used condom screwed up, no doubt discarded at some point, post-coitus. From the soreness of his backside, Gary was pretty sure he knew who’d ‘topped’ last night, and so it was actually with massive relief he saw Lucas had been responsible enough to use a rubber, at least. 

Finding his discarded jeans, he plucked his abandoned phone out of the back pocket, miraculously undamaged; and it was with a horrid mix of nausea, shame and guilt that he observed how many calls he’d missed that night, four from Mark alone! But Gary couldn’t worry about that now, there was only one name he was searching for. Closing the door to the bedroom, he scrolled to the name he needed, and tapped call before he entered the en-suite, and locked the door behind him.  
Luckily the phone was picked up after just two rings;  
“Doug?” Gary tentatively asked.  
“Gaz – thank god! Mark tried calling you –” came Howards worried voice.  
“I know”.  
“Well, are you alright?” Howard asked with genuine concern, “Last night you were ‘two sheets to the wind’, I thought that maybe you'd-, I mean, you did leave with –”  
“I know, I’m fine” Gary quickly interjected a little shortly, not sure how much he wanted to disclose on the phone, “Look I can’t talk much right now, but I was thinking that we don’t really need to go into the studio so early today. It’s only a couple of changes to a couple of songs anyway, and last night was a late one, so how about we just meet up there later, say around –”  
“Er…Gaz, we’re ALL already here! We’ve been waiting for you since 9am! After all you’re the one that suggested yesterday that we should get in early”, Howard told him.  
_'FUCK!'_  
“I…er…yeah, you’re right...I forgot”, Gary tried to sound normal but inside his head he was yelling profanities – how could he have been so stupid to let this happen?!  
His stomach squirmed, and he was sure he was going to vomit. He couldn’t get out of it, and yet he couldn’t let Robbie see him arrive with Lucas.  
“Doug, I need a favour”, Gary continued, thinking fast and knowing he instantly had Howard’s attention, he took a breath, “I need you to promise me two things: one – please don’t ask me why, I will explain everything later…”  
“O…K….” Howard slowly replied, sounding anything by reliable, to Gary’s ears!  
“And secondly”, Gary continued regardless, “I need you to keep Rob busy, and nowhere near the front of the studio, just long enough so he doesn’t me see come in s’all” he asked, trying to conceal the desperation he felt pounding in both his head and his heart.  
“What?! I don’t understand…why can’t he see –”  
“Please Doug, I’m begging you, please don’t ask me why!” the vomit was definitely rising now, “I just can’t let Rob him see me…” he sighed sorrowfully before adding, “I can’t let him see WHO I’m with”. He felt his face instantly flushed with both frustration and shame, finally admitting what he had done last night was a reality.  
There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line, and then Gary heard Howard take a sharp intake of breath, in realisation, “Oh Gaz…”  
“I promise I’ll explain everything later, just please do me this one thing, for Robbie’s sake, if not for mine”  
“Gaz, of course I will, just… I mean, sooner or later –”  
“I know Doug, but I have to be the one to tell him. I’ll be in by 10am”, Gary told him, before saying his goodbyes and ending the call. 

Now left alone in the en-suite bathroom, Gary took off the dressing robe – the only thing concealing his naked body, and looked at himself in the large mirror above the sink unit. More flashes of last night invaded his memory, and he felt of wave of nausea cascade over him once more; he felt so gross, and dirty. He pitifully sighed with hopelessness as he grabbed a clean towel and stepped into the shower.  
He knew he’d made a fucking mess of everything; and no shower, no matter how long, was going make him feel clean right now.  
But currently that was all he had.

**************************************************************************

 

The taxi cab had barely stopped moving when Gary practically dived out of it. He glanced up at the large glass frontage of the studio building, and hoped to god Doug had followed through and kept Robbie away. He was at the entrance door when Lucas annoyingly caught up with him, “Wow – you trying to get away from me or something!>” he said with a chuckle. Gary gently laughed along with him, while in his head he yelled, _‘absol-fucking-utely!’_.  
“So how about lunch at 1pm, I can come up and meet you.” Lucas asked, but without it sounding really like a question at all. Gary’s eyes grew wide, and he felt himself fluster, “errr…I…” he stuttered, but also in tactical delay for he knew he just needed to get past the reception desk and into the elevator, and away from Lucas!  
But Lucas wasn’t letting go that easily; and as soon as Gary stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for their studio floor, Lucas rapidly stretched his hands out on the door sides, preventing its closure, and effectively trapping Gary,  
“You know I’m not taking no for an answer, Gary!” He said with a knowing smirk.  
Agitated and flushed, Gary felt like his back was to the wall – he just needed to get rid of Lucas and quick, he knew his head would begin to clear and he'd be able to work out how to fix all this, if he could get away...  
“Lunch, yes…I’ll see you then”, he replied and tried to smile. Lucas’ grin grew and he finally let the door go. The doors closed and Gary was finally alone, enclosed in the ascending metallic box. He exhaled deeply, and raked a hand through his hair; he was away, but not free - and he knew somehow, the day could only get worse, a lot worse.

******************************************************************************

 

“I Just don’t understand Gaz, how could you let this happen? Do you like the guy?! Well, you must to have slept with him, but I don’t get it, I thought you still loved Robbie, I thought –”  
“Woooah Mark, slow down lad. I was upset from everything with Robbie yesterday, and a bit tipsy…and well, Lucas was just comforting me…and then he offered to take me home. I didn’t mean for it to go as far as it did, I can’t remember how it even happened, but I’m completely embarrassed that it did, not to mention ashamed with myself, honestly I am”. Gary sheepishly told the smallest member of the band. They were the only ones in the room. Robbie, Jason and Howard were still in one of the recording booths, laying down some backing vocals for the changes they’d made to a song. Gary's head was more clear now, but not his conscience. Mark pitifully looked at the bowed head of the dishevelled man sitting before him, “Gaz…Gary – look at me” Mark asked, but Gary could only hang his head in shame. “Honestly Gary, there’s no need to feel that way. I mean you’ve done nothing wrong – technically you’re not even with Robbie anymore, and sex is just well, sex. Don’t be so hard on yourself G! You deserve to throw it all to the wind once in a while anyway! I mean, it was just a one night thing right?”  
“Of course it was, I don’t even fancy the guy, he was just being nice, and I was…”  
“Completely hammered?!”  
“Well…yes –"  
“Y'know, I was so worried when I saw you leave with Lucas. I mean, for starters, I didn’t even realise you were still at the club; but mostly I didn’t want you to get yourself into a difficult situation, or do something you’d regret. But actually – you know what, I think this is a positive thing”, Mark said brightly.  
“How on earth is that?” Gary asked him, completely bewildered by the smaller man's words.  
“Well, now you’ve slept with another man. You’d only ever been with Robbie, but Robbie hadn’t only ever been with you – at least now, you know something different is out there. It’s whether you want that ‘different’ or not, to be honest, and that will help you figure out what to do next”, Mark told him thoughtfully.  
Gary pondered on Mark’s words; he hadn't really considered that. “Yeah….I still can’t believe it, I never thought I’d sleep with another man." Gary said truthfully, "It’s weird, I never knew for sure whether I was really into men (in general) - or just that I’d fallen for Rob, who just happened to be a man...but now I think –”  
“You like dick!”  
“Mark! You don’t have to put it like that!”  
“I’m sorry”, Mark said with a glint in his eye, “Look Gaz – the point is, did you like ‘different’ or not?”  
Gary stood up and looked out the window, a pensive look fixed on his face, “I guess it mostly ticked all the right boxes…but”, he paused.  
“He was no Robbie?” Mark gingerly offered.  
Gary turned around, and with a sheepish grin, he nodded.  
Mark beamed, “But that’s brilliant!”  
“Mark, it’s not that simple; he said he’s ‘done with me’, remember?! And after last night, I don’t think he’d even –”  
“No, don’t start trying to guess what’s going on in Robbie’s head” Mark argued, “You know better than anyone, the minefield that goes on in that stubborn man’s head!”, and Gary offered a look of agreement to that.  
“And I do know exactly what Robbie said to you last night Gaz, because he rang me up at 2am in tears, telling me – and I know I shouldn’t really be saying all this, but I’m just so frustrated with you both, that I’m telling you now, he completely regrets saying that”, Mark voiced in earnest.  
“But Mark –”  
“No! No buts! Come clean about everything last night, I know you’re not ready to trust him again yet, but that won’t come back unless you guys actually talk to one another…and keep talking!”

Gary remained silent while he surveyed his caring friend a moment, before he let a small smile creep across his face, “You know, you’re pretty wise when you want to be, Marko!” he said lightly whilst picking Mark’s trilby hat off the coffee table and placing it on the shorter man’s head, “- and you’re right”.  
A look of relief washed over Mark’s face, as he took the lead and pushed the hat more securely down onto his own head.  
“I just need to cancel the lunch with Lucas, first” Gary said quickly, more to himself than Mark.  
Mark looked confused, “lunch with Lucas?! But I thought you said it was a one night–”  
“I know, he just got the wrong impression…look, it doesn’t matter, I’ll just tell him I can’t, and that will be an end to it!” Gary said, honestly feeling the happiest he’d felt all morning.

Unfortunately for Gary, someone else had already found Lucas first…

******************************************************************

 

“Lucas – mind if I have a word?”  
Lucas was talking with a colleague in the lobby, when he turned to meet the unexpected glare of Robbie Williams. He momentarily glowered back before he fixed a photoshoot-ready smile across his face, “Why of course Mr Williams, come this way”. Lucas led him into his office on the bottom floor; it was a small, cramped L-shaped room that instantly had Robbie on edge.  
As soon as Lucas closed the door behind them, Robbie rounded on the tall blond 'hair-gel lover', “Look I don’t know what’s going on between you and Gaz, but –”  
“You don’t?” Lucas interrupted, looking quizzical. “But I thought it was quite obvious”, he then sneered.  
Robbie inwardly shook as he felt his fears realised, but the triumphant look on Lucas’ face only provoked anger within him, “Look - Gary’s vulnerable right now, and no matter the issues we’re having, I don’t want anyone taking advantage of him.” Robbie said with a hard voice, and a stern face. Meaning every word.  
Lucas seemed to consider Robbie's words a moment, “You think that’s what I’m doing, taking advantage?” he raised his eyebrows questioningly, “…Well, not that I see it as any of your business now, but I suppose I am taking advantage of the situation a tad, I mean, I wanted Gary; and when you fucked up, I made sure I got him”, he said with a conniving smile, “but - my intentions are completely honourable, I assure you”.  
“Honourable? Are you kidding me?!” Robbie scoffed, feeling rage in every fibre of his being.  
“Look I understand your misgivings, being his _Ex-boyfriend_ , but he’s fine, I’ll look after him, don’t you worry”.  
“Pardon me?” Robbie seethed, he literally wanted to flatten the bastard; he knew exactly how Lucas was planning to ‘look after’ Gary.  
“I just really hope things won’t be awkward for you now” Lucas slyly replied.  
“What would be awkward?” Robbie asked dismissively, not wanting to give Lucas any satisfaction.  
“Well, what with Gary being your EX an’ all” Lucas cleared up, heavily emphasising the ‘Ex’, “I can understand how it might make you feel awkward to be around me, AND Gary now, for that matter”.  
Robbie felt sick but his anger pushed him on, needing to know the truth, “How exactly so?!”  
“Well, I don’t want to go into details, in respect for Gary, but I obviously did go home with him last night, you have to know that surely!” He mocked, “And if I were you, I know I’d certainly feel weird around the guy that had _given it_ to my ex-boyfriend the night before!”  
Robbie swallowed hard, hiding the shock he felt course through his soul; hearing those words hit him so squarely in the chest, he might as well have been stabbed in the heart. If Robbie was honest with himself, he had known it the moment Gary had left the club with the vile snake last night, but really hearing it, was much worse, and more than he could take…  
“YOU FUCKING LIAR!” Robbie violently blurted out in denial, no longer able to conceal his bubbling anger.  
“I assure you I’m not. Do you want a description?” Lucas taunted.  
Robbie’s insides crushed in on him - the walls pushing against him on all sides. He couldn’t breathe just thinking about it - picturing Gary with this scheming smarmy bastard in a suit… _‘How could Gary do that, how could he sleep with that slime ball?!’_ , he furiously thought to himself, _‘No, he wasn’t in the right mind! Lucas seduced him!’_  
“Smirk all you like - YOU ARE NOTHING TO HIM!” Robbie roared.  
But Lucas wasn’t going to get into a shouting match with him; still cool and collected, he simply raised his eyebrows in a mocking look, “Funny, I didn’t get that impression last night”.  
“YOU FUCKING–”  
“Yes I was”, Lucas coolly remarked, “and I gotta say, he was fucking amazing…or should I say, amazing to fuck!” the tall blond really did smirk then, “…I’d be a fool to let him slip through my fingers now, that's for sure!”.  
Robbie swallowed hard; hurt, angry, and regretful. 

A soft knock suddenly interrupted them.  
Lucas looked through the glass pane of the door, and beckoned the person in. From the angle Robbie was stood, he couldn’t see who was out there. But upon hearing the easily recognisable voice, Robbie felt a sudden lurch somewhere just below his stomach, before a sharp pain arrived in his heart…for that voice now caused him only pain to hear  
“Lucas I was looking for you”, Gary softly said, “I was wondering –”  
“My, I am popular!” Lucas interrupted him, pointedly looking away from Gary. Confused, Gary followed the direction of Lucas’ gaze around the corner in the tight L-Shaped office... “Wha –….Robbie!” he exclaimed, completely stunned to see him there. 

Seeing Gary's horrified face just made Robbie more angry. He pushed the hurt and anguish down deep inside himself, allowing only rage to float to the top, “Surprised to see me?” he spat, shooting daggers at Gary. 

Suddenly confronted with the worst scenario possible, Gary felt a sickening sweet taste in his mouth, feeling his heart pump harder beneath his ribcage. He literally wanted to bolt right out of there! “N-no, I…did I interrupt something?” Gary nevertheless asked, his voice trembling.  
Lucas smiled sweetly at him, “No, me and Robbie were simply comparing notes”, he chided.  
“Excuse me?” Gary instantly flushed, his eyes growing the size of snooker balls as they darted in Lucas’ direction.  
Seeing Gary’s reaction, Lucas chuckled, and airily brushed away the comment with his hands, “It doesn’t matter Darling, you wanted to see me?”  
Gary’s stomach dropped further, inwardly frowning at the ‘Darling’ part, “Er….yeah” he replied, “I, erm…lunch, it’s a bit tight today so I –”  
“You want to take a rain-check?” Lucas offered, and Gary gave a small nod, trying to watch Robbie in his peripheral vision. “No problem, I assumed that might be so.” Lucas happily said, “Another time. Now please excuse me…” Lucas added as he looked pointedly at Robbie, before he turned and kissed Gary on the forehead. Then he left, and suddenly Robbie and Gary were left in his office alone.  


Gary didn’t know where to look, but in his head, he breathed a sigh of relief, _‘well, at least that’s the Lucas problem dealt with’_ , he thought to himself, and far more easily than Gary expected - he'd finally caught a break, for once! Gary would’ve smiled, had he been alone. But he wasn’t, and with a deep breath, he turned to Robbie - ready to face the consequences, “Rob, I’m so sorry I…” he started.  
“What for, exactly? Robbie shortly replied, his voice full of resentment.  
Gary expected that. “Well…I don’t know what you’ve heard but –”  
“What should I have heard?” Robbie challenged, not letting Gary have it easy.  
“I…”  
“I’m guessing….” Robbie went on, not letting Gary talk – “I probably should have heard that the man I asked to marry me only yesterday, who turned me down BUT did actually consider saying yes; went and let some vile slimy arsehole studio rep fuck him completely senseless!” Robbie’s voice dripped with bitterness, “Though whether he had any sense to begin with is very questionable!” he sneered at Gary….but Gary knew it was a front, he could see the hurt in Robbie’s eyes. Robbie was just deflecting as usual.  
“I wanted to talk to you first, Rob – you have to believe me.” Gary tried.  
“Well, I don’t, Gaz. You’ve had all morning to tell me!” 

Gary ignored that remark, after all Robbie was hardly the fine example of ‘coming clean’, he thought. “It was a stupid thing I did, I know” Gary offered, “but I was drunk and he was helping me to…”  
“Oh, he helped himself more like!” Robbie spat, a sarcastic smirk forming at the corner of his mouth. “Though doesn’t that all sound so familiar: a stupid simple drunken mistake. In fact that sounds exactly like –”  
“Oh, stop it!” Gary suddenly shouted. He knew exactly were Robbie was trying to go with this.  
“No, no I get it Gaz - it’s one rule for you, but another for me! Or maybe you thought you’d just do the exact same thing to get back at me, I mean, I got drunk and fucked someone, and so you did too – well, I guess that makes us even, right?” Robbie mocked. 

Watching that sardonic expression creep across Robbie's face upset Gary. It felt to Gary, like Robbie was making cruel fun out of the situation, “Don’t you dare compare last night to what you did! We were in a committed relationship then – or so I thought!” Gary spat.  
“So you DID do it to get back at me, to hurt me!” Robbie said with a victorious air, “I never thought you’d sink so low, Gaz!”  
“I wouldn’t!” Gary yelled, angrily defiant, “I’d never _purposely_ sleep with anyone…god, Rob you’re unbelievable! How you could even think that? The truth is I felt absolutely sick to the stomach with guilt and concern for you this morning. Stupidly, I just wanted to protect you from being hurt by this. It was my main concern!”  
Robbie’s eyes responded: softening for a split second, before he seemingly brushed Gary’s remark aside, “Well, don’t worry, because I’m not.” He said, and in actual fact incredibly hurtfully, “So I guess you’re free to fuck whoever you want, as am I!” Robbie smirked.

As those words soaked in, Gary could only shake his head - partly in disbelief at Robbie’s childishness, and partly to disguise the hurt he felt encircling his own heart. “Well, I guess that clears that up then, doesn’t it”, Gary told him before he quickly made his exit out the tiny room; not knowing he left a broken man behind him. Robbie was more than devastated, he was completely crushed - but as usual he couldn’t handle Gary seeing it, and so of course had chosen to be a dick to him, instead.

***************************************************************

 

Things went from bad to worse, straight after that. No longer talking or even looking at each other, Robbie and Gary could barely tolerate being in the same room as one another. Gary was hurt by Robbie’s words, and Robbie was hurt by Gary’s actions. It seemed they were finally at an impasse. The only time they were forced to communicate was for the weekly exchange of the dogs’ care; which quickly just became a simple swift and stoic exchange of dog leads.

Nevertheless Robbie continued to call Mark, and groan about how much he missed Gary and how he just wanted him back. Mark was completely driven to distraction, if he thought he had been frustrated with the pair previously before, if was nothing to how he now felt; he just couldn’t understand how two people who loved each other so much, couldn’t find their way back to one another. For his part, Mark shared Robbie’s view point and secretly blamed the continuing occurrence of Lucas on the scene. As far as Mark was concerned, the man just would not leave Gary alone.  
“He was outside our studio yesterday, waiting for Gary. I could tell Gaz was trying to stall from having to go outside, but then Lucas finally called him over and he had no choice but to go out and talk to him”. Mark was telling Robbie on the phone, after Robbie had left early the day before. The band’s work on the new album would be adjourned for a couple of months after tomorrow. They’d gone back over more songs than they had anticipated, and that had set them back, but Gary was convinced they could do it better, and he’d been right – the new versions sounded fantastic.  


_Robbie: Yeah, but he still went out to him nevertheless. He didn’t need to do that, it just leads the twat on - Gary just doesn’t get it! Unless he wants to lead him on…_  
_Mark: Rob – I know where you’re going with this!_  
_Robbie: Lucas means nothing, literally not a thing to him, I know that Mark, I know it!_  
_Mark: Here we go!_  
_Robbie: The only reason why he’s leading him on like this is to get back at ME._  
_Mark: And there it is!_  
_Robbie: Mark, make fun of me all you like, but I’m still upset about it! I can barely think about that slime ball kissing Gary, let alone groping him, and fucking him – it makes me sick!_  
_Mark: So you keep saying mate…in great detail!_ (mark said tiredly)  
_Robbie: But it also means we’re quits, Mark! We both messed up, but that makes the score even, so I don’t get why he keeps leading him on, if not to keep getting one over me. He knows it hurts me to see him with that stupid blond artichoke!_  
_Mark: Robbie, Gary would not do that. He never would do anything to intentionally hurt anyone, let alone you! For his part, I honestly think Gary thought it’d be a one night thing; it's just the guy, Lucas, obviously sees things differently. I think he really likes Gary._  
(There was a pause on the phone line, as Robbie stayed pointedly silent.)  
_Mark: I know that’s not what you want to hear._  
_Robbie: No, I know twat-features LIKES him. Lucas practically told me that himself, that’s why he stitched me up with the alcohol in Mayfair!_  
_Mark: God – not this again…_  
_Robbie: He did Mark! It was all part of some slimy conniving plan to get his hands on Gary, he fucking said that, or implied it! But I honestly blame Gary for now leading him on, I’m sorry but I do. He should have already told him to just fuck off already._  
_Mark: You know he is never going to do that – HE’S NOT YOU FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!_  
_Robbie: Alrigh’ Markie, no need to shout – I’ve only two ears you know!_  
_Mark: Sorry, I just…_ (he huffs a frustrated sigh), _“I just think you need to stop speculating on it all, and let Gary deal with it. Even if Lucas does want to take things further, Gary doesn’t. I know that. But Robbie, you have got to let this go, or talk to Gary himself about it, because I’m sorry but I love you both, and when you talk to me about these things, it makes me feel so uncomfortable, because I just want you both to be happy - but I feel like you’re putting me in the middle, and –_  
_Robbie: Mark, it’s ok. I understand. I’m sorry._  
_Mark: Good, well, then all I can say is to just be careful Robbie, control your temper or else you might just push him further away…and straight into someone else’s arms._  
_Robbie: Yeah…yeah, ok._

When Mark put the phone down that night, feeling completely zapped of energy, he just wished Gary would tell Lucas to leave him alone, for all their sakes; so Robbie would have peace of mind, and so _he_ could finally get some sleep not interrupted by Robbie’s frantically forlorn phone calls.  
He hoped to god that Gary knew what he was doing.

In the same city, not that far away, Gary was lying in his bed trying to figure out how he had got there. The day before, Lucas was waiting for him outside the studio, and kept waiting until Gary knew he had no choice but to go speak to him. Lucas wanted a promise of dinner out with Gary. But when he saw that Gary was visibly hesitant (because inwardly, Gary was completely against the idea, but just didn’t know how to say so), Lucas laid on the charm and blatantly refused to take no for an answer, again. Gary was seemingly left with no choice, and eventually submitted to Lucas’ will once more. But just how dinner had led to seduction, and more sex – he had no idea. 

But either way, Gary knew his stupid libido had just made everything 100% more complicated. 

**********************************************************************

“We still need two more on there, and I’m not sure about this one”, Gary said pointing to a song title on the board. All five lads were there at the studio, sat around the table in the mini-conference room they had been using for their band meetings. Gary had in actual fact arrived an hour before anyone else; since, before his second indiscretion the night before, Lucas had driven them both back to Gary’s house, and therefore of course offered to drive them both in that morning. So Gary made sure to avoid anyone seeing them, by arriving extra early. Gary was just glad that after today at least there would be no reason to be back at the studio for a fair few months, meaning he’d be able to successfully avoid any further seduction by Lucas.

“Let’s hear the build-up after the second verse again, Gaz”, Jason commented. Gary nodded and opened the song's file on his laptop. While the other lads were listening, Gary suddenly noticed his laptop case was missing, had he left it at home? _'That’s annoying’_ he simply thought to himself, before bringing his attention back to the song.  
“Yeah, I don’t know either, mate – I still can’t see that fitting well”, Howard remarked, once the song had replayed.  
“Well, it’s still just the demo so let’s send it with the others, and see how it comes back after production”, Gary offered. The song discussions continued until they had finally a potential album list of demos to send to their producers. The morning had run smoothly, and they were just wrapping up for lunch when an unexpected visitor turned up...  
Gary watched as a look of hate instantly spread across Robbie’s face, before he himself turned his head to come face to face with Lucas, holding up his missing laptop case. “You left it in my car this morning”, Lucas said with a smirk, handing the case over to Gary.  
“Oh, erm….sorry, thanks” Gary mumbled, completely mortified, and incredibly conscious of those around him. Lucas said something about seeing him later, but Gary was barely listening, as his embarrassed eyes sought only Robbie’s. When Lucas finally left, Gary chanced a look at the other lads too; Howard and Jason had looks of complete bewilderment as they put two and two together, while the look on Mark’s face can only be described as ‘sad-disappointment’. But none compared to Robbie’s; Robbie was more than shocked, he was hurt, disgusted, and completely livid. For a moment, a shocked silence hung heavily around the room, but only for a moment…

“You slept with him?!” Robbie spurted out accusingly, “you fucking slept with him AGAIN?!”  
“Rob, mate –” Jason tried, hoping to calm Robbie down, but it was a lost cause. His face was deeply flushed with anger, his eyes bulging with rage – but with tears too, although he tried to force them back, tears had quickly broken through his defences.  
“How could you?! How fucking could you!” he spat at Gary, his face puffed and his nose running.  
Gary could only shake his head, at a complete loss.  
Lost for words, Gary was helpless to fight against the raw bitter emotion Robbie now directed at him, and he felt he deserved it. The other lads rallied around Robbie trying to calm him, but he shook them off, and walked around the table, squaring-up to Gary. Gary took an instinctive step back, “Robbie, I’m…s…so –”  
“Don’t you dare say sorry, you lying arsehole!” he seethed through gritted teeth, still advancing on Gary and now barely an inch from his face; before he suddenly shoved the shorter man out of the way, and stormed out the room.

**************************************************************************

 

“Are you going to see him again?” Mark asked Gary, as they packed up their remaining gear at the studio. The other guys had left a couple of hours ago, shortly after Robbie’s outburst. Mark had since tried calling and texting Robbie, but to no avail. 

Gary considered the question, and although he wanted to say no, he couldn’t lie – it was likely he would. Not out of choice, but somehow Lucas just had this indescribable hold on him, and he wasn’t sure he could fight it.  
“I dunno, Markie…I honestly don’t know, mate”.  
Mark looked at Gary with sorrowful pity. Mark felt like there was something not quite right, but he didn’t press further – it had already been an emotionally charged day, enough. Just then his phone buzzed, and he took it out of his back pocket. It was a message from Robbie:  
_“Sorry Mark, I just can’t take being around him after this – I need to get away for a while. I’m going back to LA. I’ll email when I land. RW x”_  
Mark read the text message, shaking his head with sadness; before he released a long sigh, “Oh Rob…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me! I know I’m being horrible to them right now, what with Gary with another guy and Robbie in LA - but it all has to happen that way, unfortunately...but...well, find out more in next week’s chapter (if you bear with me, and are still reading this! ;)) . Thank you for reading and commenting – it’s appreciated so much xx


	25. Twist of Separation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie's been away far too long...

## Twist of Separation

_Two months later_ …  
Among the hustle and bustle of the busy airport, Robbie made his way to the exit, dragging his hefty suitcases. His driver was already outside waiting for him. “Where to?” the driver congenially asked. “Home”, Robbie said naturally. “Eh…which one would that be?” the driver questioned further.  
Robbie paused at that. He knew the one place he truly thought of as home, but there was no way he was welcome there right now, no matter how much he wanted to see the dogs. “Home, up North home – I’m gonna pop in and see my mum first”, he sighed, and the car pulled away.

***********************************************************************

 

“So, Gary’s popping by with the dogs later”, Robbie told Mark. It had been a few days since he had returned to the UK, and he was now back in his own place. 

There was a pause on the other end of the phone line, as if Mark was considering his words carefully;  
_Mark: That’s great you guys can get along better now…._  
_Robbie: Yeah, I guess. It’s better than nothing I suppose. I just… I know really fucked things up, I just want a chance to fix things now. When I think about my actions, I can’t believe I acted so stupidly, I mean proposing to him like that! What was I thinking?! But being in LA, it’s given me time to think…and when I think of what I had with him, so preciously perfect; my heart hurts all over again. Just waking up beside him each morning, having lazy days with the dogs, arguing over what to watch on the box that night or him telling me off for being a lazy sod – I want it back! I want it all back, so much! I’d give anything to have it back. And I’m truly worried I might have no chance of getting it back, in fact I’m fucking terrified about it._  
_Mark: I’m sorry Rob – I know it’s not easy moving on._  
_Robbie: I’m NOT moving on! You think I went to LA to move on?_  
Robbie heard an old familiar sigh of exasperation on the other end of the phone line. He knew what Mark was about to say.  
_Mark: Robbie, I think you’ve just got to move on…for the mean time anyway._  
Robbie shook his head, knowing Mark couldn’t see. That was 100% not happening. But for sake of Mark’s sanity, Robbie didn’t tell him that.  
“Have you seen much of him?” Robbie instead asked after a short pause.  
_Mark: Now and then…I dunno – but he’s been pretty distant recently. I call him and no answer, and then he doesn’t even call me back._  
That causes Robbie to frown, as suspicions form in his mind.  
_Robbie: What about that twat, Lucas? You said in your text the other day, you think he’s still lurking around._  
_Mark: Afraid so. Howard went around there a few days ago, and Lucas answered the door. Gary wasn’t even there, Lucas said he was out walking the dogs, yet Howard swore he had heard a dog in the background, and according to him, Lucas looked like he’d very much made himself at home!_  
Robbie could feel his blood begin to boil with refreshed anger and hatred of that man.  
_Robbie: You mean, shoved himself in!_  
_Mark: Robbie, don’t ok? I know it’s not what you want to hear but you’ll just have to accept it…for now, at least._  
But Mark just didn’t get it, or so Robbie furiously thought to himself.  
_Robbie: I can’t! The slime ball is a calculating, conniving life-ruiner, and I’m going to prove it._  
_Mark: It’s a bad idea Rob, you just got to let it go…let Gary go._  
_Robbie: Are you kidding me?! No! Never. He’s bad news Mark, I just know it. If Gary simply doesn’t want to be with me then I’d have to accept it, not that I think that’s true for one minute! But with Lucas still hanging around I feel like he’s the one building this wall between us, speaking poison in Gary’s ear, not giving us any chance. There is something about that man, that just sets me on edge…you know, other than the fact he’s a total boyfriend-stealing, scummy douchebag!_  
There was another pause that Robbie hadn't been expecting, until finally Mark mumbled...  
_Mark: …hmmm_  
_Robbie: ‘Hmmm’, what?_  
_Mark: I must admit I’m not 100% sure Lucas is all that nice either, to be honest. I mean I don’t want to speak bad of anyone but…_  
_Robbie: But what?!_ His ears pricked up at Mark’s words, expectantly.  
_Mark: Well, Howard did say, Lucas was a bit rude to him that day. Like, he told Howard to speak to Gary when at work, telling him there was no point going around there if he hadn’t called first._  
_Robbie: What the fuck?!_  
_Mark: I know, Howard never calls anyone first._  
_Robbie: Mark – don’t you see! He’s a control freak! It makes perfect sense! I knew there was something twisted about him…I mean apart from him being a complete slimeball; I knew there was something else! He DID get me drunk on purpose that night in Mayfair, he set me up so I’d make a prat of myself - I just know it! He told me he wanted Gary all along, and so set out to get what he wanted! He’s a fucking control freak! We need to get Gary away from him!_  
_Mark: Woooah hang on Rob, don’t start shooting your mouth off, it won’t do you any favours._  
_Robbie: But this is Gary we’re talking about, we need to do something!_  
_Mark: I know, but I think we need to know more before we say anything._  
Robbie could tell Mark was trying to sedate him on this, but now the seed had been planted in Robbie’s head and he knew what he had to do!  
_Robbie: I’ll find out more, don’t you worry about that! I’m going to prove how much of a slimy controlling arsehole he really is._  
Robbie could tell Mark wasn’t convinced but he didn’t care, he was now a man on a mission.

***********************************************************************

 

“There they are! My babies!!!!” Robbie exclaimed with glee as three elastic dogs bounced up his drive to greet him.  
“They’ve missed you so much” Gary remarked congenially, surveying the scene with a smile; the dogs were jumping and climbing all over Robbie who had immediately joined the dogs on the floor, kissing them all over.  
It made Gary’s heart warm.  
“Looks like it!” Robbie managed to say, between dogs licking his face.  
Gary stayed silent for a while, not knowing what to do or say, so instead just watched Robbie and the dogs play. After a while Robbie threw a toy and the dogs all went bounding away, after it – leaving the two men alone. 

After an awkward pause, Gary finally cleared his throat, “It’s good to see you back, you look good.” Gary cheeks flushed as soon as he realised what he'd said, “….I mean, the tan, LA suits you” he said as he attempted to rescue his dignity.  
“Thanks...and yeah I guess LA does, but there’s no place like home”, Robbie said gently, making sure to keep eye contact with Gary, willing him to read his mind.  
They smile warmly at each other, and suddenly Robbie’s heart begins to fill with hope.  
Unfortunately, Gary couldn't read minds, “Er…I better get going” Gary hesitantly said, and Robbie was sure he could detect a hint of sadness too, or maybe it was just him. Robbie’s smile dropped, “When shall I bring the dogs back to yours?” he asked.  
Gary suddenly had a strange look on his face, a look Robbie couldn’t decipher...was it fear, anxiety? “They’ve not seen you for a long time, so no rush, honestly” Gary said hastily.  
Robbie’s eyebrows furrowed, “Well, how about I bring them back a week on Friday then?” he ventured before he saw a look of disappointment flicker on Gary’s face. Robbie was growing more confused, Gary was acting incredibly strange.  
“Erm…actually I can just pick them up from here, I’ve got a gig the night before, so I can just pop by on the journey home”, Gary offered.  
“OK, suit yourself”, Robbie simply shrugged.  
“So you’ve any plans, now you’re back?” Gary suddenly asked, eager to redirect the conversation...and Robbie knew it, he knew Gary inside out, after all.  
But choosing to feign ignorance of that instead, Robbie simply replied, “A few yeah. Got this charity dinner on Saturday first… in fact you’re going to that too, aren’t you? After all we were both invited together, when we were still…um, you know”, he sheepishly said.  
Gary flushed once more, “Err…yeah, I…well maybe, I’m not sure if I can”.  
“Why, you’ve got other plans?” Robbie asked bluntly, he was counting on Gary going.  
“No no….but I’ve not checked with - I mean, I...er...just need to double check s’all” Gary stammered.  
Robbie’s insides crumbled with disappointment, knowing full well Gary meant he needed to check with Lucas, which meant he was taking Lucas. Nevertheless, he quietly replied with, “Well, I hope you do go, it'd be nice to see you there”.

Gary left shortly after that. Robbie watched the car drive away from him, and he longed for it to just turn around and drive back to him. But no, he knew Gary was driving home to be with another man, the same man that made Robbie’s insides burn with hatred, and the same man Gary was likely going to take to the charity dinner. “Well, two can play that game!” Robbie said to himself, _‘if he’s taking someone else, then so am I!’_ he viciously thought.

As Gary drove away, in the rear view mirror he watched Robbie’s figure shrink into the distance, and his heart felt heavy – as if he'd left part of it behind with all he loved; his dogs AND Robbie.  
The honest truth was he didn’t want to go home, but he knew Lucas was practically timing him (after making Gary give an exact time he would return, before he had left). Gary sighed just remembering what was awaiting him at home, and for the life of him, he couldn’t work out how. He didn’t want Lucas there, he didn’t even like Lucas, so why on Earth was he letting the man share his bed?! He had no clue, but it just felt like he had no strength to say no, like he was too weak to tell Lucas to go!  
How ever he had accomplished it, Lucas had somehow firmly wormed his way into Gary’s life and Gary felt he had no one to blame himself. Even though all he’d done was have sex with the guy, he still couldn't understand how it had led to this, it was never supposed to be like this. The man had practically moved himself in, and used what Gary referred to as ‘bewitching powers’ but was more accurately sex, to imbed himself further in Gary’s life.  
The sex itself, was just that, sex and nothing more, and it wasn’t even great. It was raw, rough, and over as soon as Lucas was done. Gary was not used to that, Lucas was a complete dominator in the bedroom, and Gary felt nothing. It was all too different, completely different to how he and Robbie would make love…and oh, how he missed that.

Gary knew he’d made this mess, and had to face the consequences – but he was just glad the dogs were now safe with Robbie. After all, there was another reason why Gary wanted rid of Lucas: a few days ago, Gary had been in the shower upstairs, washing the touch of Lucas away, when he'd heard the doorbell go. He turned the shower off and tried to listen out for voices, but hearing only mumbling, he jumped out and began to rapidly dry himself off. It was when he wrapping a robe around his bare skin that he heard Molly barking out the back. He ran downstairs to find the front door already closed and no sign of a visitor. Barking and shouting was however, still coming from the back garden. He could hear Lucas shouting Molly’s name to stop barking, and in a moment’s fret for Molly, he quickened his pace. As soon as he opened the door to the garden, he watched in horror, as Lucas aimed a foot at Molly; but luckily being slight and quick, Molly jumped out of the way, with only a little yelp. Seeing Gary emerge from the house, she immediately darted over to him, and jumped into his arms. Lucas had then turned and looked into Gary’s shocked eyes, with only mild surprise, and largely indifference. For a spilt second Gary had been lost for words, but he soon found his voice again, “Were you about to kick MY dog?!” he raged.  
Lucas looked at him, like he was dealing with a simpleton, “Gary, darling – of course not, I was just kidding, I wasn’t actually going to kick it”  
“Her!” She’s not an ‘it’! AND she’s MY dog who lives in MY house, and she can bark all she likes!” Gary seethed. Lucas however, simply smirked at him, and coolly said, “of course, I was only thinking of the neighbours, darling. I honestly love Molly, and the other two as well – and I love how much you love them animals, it’s adorable really.  
Gary glared at the condescension in Lucas’ words. But just wanting to get a shaking Molly out of Lucas’ way, he sensibly opted to not retaliate, and instead simply took his smallest dog inside with him, and away from Lucas.

As Gary continued to drive the long way home, still thinking back to that day and Lucas' attitude, he decided then and there that he didn’t care what Lucas thought, he was going to the damn charity dinner! In fact he wasn’t even going to bother telling Lucas about it at all, otherwise Gary knew Lucas at worst, would want to go, and at best, find a reason to stay at the house to wait upon Gary’s return (just to make sure he did return)!

Gary’s mind dwelled on his own unhappiness for most of the journey home. That was until he thought back to seeing Robbie’s retreating figure earlier on, and he then began to think about seeing Robbie at the dinner too. That thought was enough to lift his spirits a little; maybe he would have a chance to talk to Robbie, to say sorry, to explain the complicated mess he’d made of everything, and maybe Robbie could even help him get rid of Lucas? He smiled at that last thought as he took his final exit off the motorway.

When Gary finally approached the house, he was shocked to see a home security company’s van parked in his drive way. Lucas was outside talking to a guy in the same company's polo-shirt, but waved at Gary when he saw him parking up on the drive, just beside the parked van. The other man shook Lucas’ hand and got into his van, nodding to Gary before he made his exit.  
Gary got out of the car.  
Lucas was waiting for him with expectant arms, but Gary stopped short of his reach, “Who was that?” he bluntly, asked.  
“Just a guy I know, he works in security”, Lucas said putting an arm around Gary, directing him towards the front door. But Gary shook off Lucas’ arm, “What was he doing here? He had his tools out – what’s happened?!”  
“Don’t worry about it, I’ve just made a few changes to the security alarm system you’ve got set up, which I’ve got to say was abysmal – I couldn’t believe how little security you had in place”.  
“Well, it’s not like fans queue out here anymore, those days have long past, besides I’ve always felt safe here, so I didn’t feel like-“ Gary stopped as the words reached his brain, “….wait – what changes?!” he suspiciously asked.  
“It’s just an upgrade, and a few more gadgets here and there, some extra zones included, and he threw in a new front door lock for free” Lucas hastily said, petering off somewhat, at the end. But Gary caught it, “A new lock?! You’ve changed my locks?!” he was beyond astonished at Lucas’ nerve.  
“Darling, calm down – it’s a better lock, a more protective lock, and a fresh start, you don’t need to worry about who might still have a key –”  
Now Gary understood, “You mean Rob, because he still has his key”, he said still taken aback by the length Lucas had gone to.  
“Well sure, I mean he had a key, and now that’s a useless key…but darling I just want to protect you, is that so wrong?” Lucas said while pouting his lips.

Gary was angry, in fact he was beyond angry – “Of course it’s wrong! This is MY house, making changes to it, is MY decision! I can’t believe you would do something like this without asking me, I….” he paused, and raked a hand threw his hair. He looked at Lucas, and he could see the man before him didn’t care one ounce how angry he was, and Gary had no energy to try and get him to understand of care, “So what about keys?” Gary sighed resignedly.  
“Here”, Lucas said with a smile, handing over a key. Gary looked down at the key with furrowed brows, “Just one key? He gave you one key for a new lock?!” he remarked incredulously.  
“Well, he did do it for free, so I didn’t really want to press him for spare sets, besides - you can make copies”, Lucas said with a simple shrug.  
“THAT is not the point, can’t you see this isn’t right – you shouldn’t have done this!” Gary yelled.  
“Well, it’s done now – but if you’re really not happy I can call him back and he can dismantle it but that will leave you without any security at all!”  
Gary simply shook his head, “unbelievable!” he muttered as he went inside

If Gary thought Lucas would get the hint and leave him be for a while, he was wrong. Lucas was the only one that knew how the new system worked and so he reasoned it was best he stayed over until they’d talked through it. Gary was ok with that, until it seemed Lucas would find any excuse to keep putting that particular talk off. Meaning it quickly got to Saturday, the day of the charity dinner, and Lucas was still very much around but Gary had said nothing of the dinner… _’and why should I?_ ’ Gary reasoned with himself. He didn’t owe Lucas anything.

Gary told Lucas he was going to an industry dinner, but didn’t elaborate on details. Lucas asked if all the other Take That lads were going, and Gary responded honestly, that he didn’t think ALL other band members were going. It was sly but it cut short any further questioning.  
Gary spent a lengthy time getting ready that night, he was nervous that the three piece charcoal grey tailored suit might’ve been over-dressing, but he wanted to look his best. For what exact reason, he wasn’t sure. Sure, there might be cameras if the media were covering the event (which was highly likely),…but he knew that wasn’t the only reason. He wanted to talk to a certain someone there, and he wanted to look damn good when/if he did.

**************************************************************************************

 

There were a lot of people at the charity dinner, many celebs and other VIPS, and also as Gary had predicted, the media were heavily covering the event. For the first half an hour he made his way around, saying his hellos, catching up, yet he couldn’t help his eyes scanning for a certain tall dark tattooed man. He was hoping the night would serve as a good opportunity to talk to Robbie, really talk to him – to clear the air, to start to rebuild some bridges, and then who knows.  
As Gary took a new glass of red off a nearby waiter’s proffered tray, there was suddenly a gap in the crowd and through it, he spotted Robbie, looking scrubbed up in a dashing blue suit. Hoping to talk to him, Gary immediately made his way through the crowd and approached Robbie, who only seemed to notice Gary just moments before he was upon him, but then it was incredibly crowded, and Gary reasoned that Robbie likely forgot that he may've been coming tonight. 

“Hi”, Gary said once he’d reached him.  
Robbie looked pleased. Although, was it pleased to see Gary, or pleased with himself? Gary couldn’t tell.  
“Gaz – great to see you made it, honestly.”  
Gary smiled at him, “How are the pups?”  
“Great, I missed them so much when I was LA, it’s nice to have some time with them. Thanks again, for that” Robbie said, a little coyly.  
“Oh, it was no problem – and as I said, if you want them to stay with you a little longer, I really don’t mind!” Gary enquired, hopeful.  
“Well, actually –“, Robbie started, but Gary never got to know where that ‘actually’ was leading to, as they were interrupted by a dark haired, tanned and incredibly toned younger man, carrying two drinks.  
“Sorry Rob, no Cola, only Pepsi – so I got you the Max, to avoid the sugar, obviously.” The young man offered, passing a glass to Robbie, who smiled his thanks.Robbie then turned to Gary and with the smallest of smirks he introduced the man to him, “Gary, this is Ryan – he’s from LA”. 

From award ceremonies and X Factor, Gary was highly trained to cover his emotion and shock well, you know, just in case a camera was to do a shot on him – and he used all that training now, even when he felt like the wind had just been smacked out of him, _Was Ryan, Robbie’s date?_ he pondered, alarmingly.

Gary noticed Robbie was looking at him carefully, and so he averted his eyes to Ryan, “Nice to meet you Ryan”, he said coolly, “How do you guys know each other?” he innocently asked.  
“I’m his Personal trainer, he invited me over a few days ago to push him on reducing his sugar intake, plus do some body sculpturing”. Ryan told him with a friendly air.  
“Wow, well – good for you” Gary directed to Robbie.  
“Thanks, I’m feeling better already!” Robbie told him with his classic smirky smile.  
_’Bet you are, especially after all that resistance training, I bet you have a different kind of cardio workout of your own!’_ Gary thought bitterly.  
“Where’s Lucas?” Robbie suddenly asked, interrupting Gary's jealous thoughts, and instead looking around for the blond limpet.  
“Not here, I didn’t come with him” Gary admitted.  
“You’re here on your own?!” Robbie said with an edge of surprise and what felt like pity, to Gary. However, it was actually spoken with a pang of sadness that Robbie couldn’t conceal, because he'd only invited Ryan on the assumption that Gary would bring Lucas along.  
“I wanted to come on my own”, was Gary’s quiet but defiant response.  
It was followed by an awkward silence where Gary felt like he was under a spot light, when all he wanted was just to shrink away into a snail’s shell somwhere. Luckily he was saved by a very loud dong that rang out from somewhere, announcing the seated dinner was now ready to be served in the adjacent dining room. Inwardly incredibly relieved, Gary made his excuses and rushed off into the crowd to (“find my seat”), but more to escape the sudden embarrassment and hurt he felt inside. 

During the dinner, Robbie shot furtive looks in Gary’s direction, trying to catch his eye. But Gary’s eyes were fixed away from his. Gary himself may’ve even appeared ‘ok’ while occupying his time chatting during dinner and the auction, but it was only the appearance of ok, because he very much wasn’t. Suddenly, the night he’d looked forward to, he now wanted no part in. He’d had so many hopes, but now he could see what a fool he had been. Robbie of course would have moved on to someone new as soon as Robbie thought Gary had moved on, with Lucas.  
Gary shuddered just thinking about Lucas.  
He really didn’t want to go back and find Lucas at his place, having had the wind taken out of his sails already tonight, going back to Lucas would be the putrid cherry on top of a very stinky, mouldy melted ice-cream sundae....but alas, he knew he couldn’t stay; And so after the dinner he made his excuses and left soon after.  
He didn’t see or seek out Robbie again, to even say goodbye.

Robbie quickly noticed Gary’s absence, and felt his heart drop.  
“He’s gone Rob, I asked the Maître d, and he said Gary had left soon after dinner”, Ryan said, guessing the reason behind Robbie's sad frown.  
Hearing that, Robbie’s eyebrows furrowed, trying to work out why Gary had left so suddenly, but luckily Ryan was there to clue him in, “So it looks like your plan worked, if only a little too well!” Ryan dryly suggested, cocking an eyebrow with suspicion.  
“What plan?” Robbie asked, feigning innocence.  
“Your plan to make him jealous! I had no idea that was why you invited me tonight!” Ryan said, not sounding angry but more bemused than anything.  
“No, of course not!” Robbie said sounding as about as trustworthy as a Bank Manager.  
“And there was I, thinking you’d got me over here to work you hard, so you could get in shape and win Gary back – that is what you said wasn’t it?!” Ryan teased.  
“Yeah of course, but I just wanted to see his reaction I guess, you know, make him realise what he was missing…stupid I know”. Robbie mumbled.  
“Well, yes - definitely stupid, but I’d say it worked, if not a little too well, I mean I bet that’s why he left early,” Ryan guessed with a sympathetic look.

Robbie sighed, disheartened, “yeah”. It was all he could reply, in barely a whisper too. It was another mistake to add to the ever growing list of stupid mistakes he'd recently made when it came to Gary.

*********************************************************************************

 

It wasn’t the fact Robbie had come to the dinner with someone else that had caused Gary to leave, early, it was the fact that he knew he couldn’t talk to Robbie the way he had wanted to. He felt miserable for that, and bad for not at least saying goodbye. He thought about dropping him a quick message or email when he got back, he owed him that, at least, it wasn't Robbie's fault he felt this way.

As he drove on to the drive, he noticed the lights on inside the house – Lucas was still there and apparently still up, but then it was only 11.15pm, Gary noticed by his watch.

“Ah, you’re home early!” Lucas called as Gary closed the front door behind him, “well, at least earlier than I expected considering all the fun you must’ve been having!” Lucas said sounding somewhat sarcastic.  
Gary was puzzled by the tone, but couldn’t care less, “it wasn’t all that fun”, he offered to simply keep the peace.  
“Hmmm….that’s funny, because Twitter gives a completely different impression” Lucas said with a cutting voice.  
Gary had no idea what Lucas was going on about, and he didn’t want to know – he just wanted to go to bed and forget tonight. “I didn’t go on Twitter all night, so I don’t know what you’re seeing”, he said, already making his way to the stairs.

“Where are you going? Come here!” Lucas said with a low voice, but it didn’t sound seductive, if felt like a command, and it immediately had Gary on his guard. He stopped his ascension, and instead walked into lounge, finding Lucas standing with a whiskey glass in his hand, and a hard look on his face.  
“What’s the matter?” Gary quietly asked, not really wanting to know.  
Lucas plastered a fake smile, and with one finger, he gestured for Gary to come closer, while still clasping onto the now empty glass. Gary did as instructed, but did so with mounting apprehension.  
Then he saw the phone in Lucas’ other hand.  
“I’ve been watching twitter this evening, see there were these showbiz reports coming from some big charity dinner”, Lucas began, and Gary inwardly shook, “and although I thought it couldn’t possibly have been the same dinner you were attending, I read down through the tweets, and low behold I found one saying you had been spotted - imagine my surprise at that!” Lucas continued.  
“It was just a dinner” Gary reasoned as an excuse, without knowing why he felt the need to give one.  
“…and then suddenly I see a retweet from Robbie declaring himself at the very same event! What a surprise indeed!” Lucas said with eyes of stone.  
“Was he? I didn’t know” Gary said, without thinking.  
“You didn’t know he was there?! That’s funny because the Daily Mail published some photos a little while ago, and I got to say, in one of them you two look like you were having a very cosy chat! – in fact, if my recollection serves me right, that’s even what the caption below remarked! - you telling me you don't remember that?!” Lucas commented, his tone dripping with sarcasm.  
Gary didn’t like it.  


“I meant I didn’t know he was going to be there!” Gary lied.  
“Or did you just not purposely tell me your Ex was going to be there? …You’re actually going to tell me you got dressed up like that, for what? your self-confidence or summat, did you?” Lucas probed.  
“It was a showbiz thing, I had to put in some effort – look I even don’t care what pictures you saw or what you read, I stayed for the dinner and the auction and then I came home, - and now I’m going to bed” Gary defiantly told him and turned to leave.  
“That’s it just walk away!” Lucas called after him.  
“Yeah I will, after all this is MY house!” Gary yelled, “and I can do what I –”, but he was suddenly interrupted by the sound of smashing glass. He spun around and leapt back into the lounge to find Lucas with a handful of glass shards and blood. He immediately ran over to him, “What did you do?” he asked with genuine concern.  
“I’m fine, just leave it!” Lucas argued, with whiskey heavy on his breath.  
“I can’t just leave it, you could have cut an artery – this needs to be looked at!” Gary insisted, trying to take a look at the hand.  
“I said, JUST LEAVE IT!” Lucas shouted, violently shoving Gary away from him, before tugging his arm back out of Gary’s reach. Startled by the sudden force, Gary lost his footing and fell back against a side table, knocking into a lamp.  
The lamp toppled and crashed to the ground, and was quickly followed by Gary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I’m being mean to them again, but they’ve still a lot to learn about their love for one another, but in the next chapter, Gary realises he is the one that needs help now, but who could he possibly turn to?! ;) ….this bit is now a bit of slow build to something big…might be good, might be bad! ;)  
> Thank you for your lovely comments, even though I’m being so cruel to G & R right now! I truly appreciate your comments and opinions, and I love to read them, so thank you to the moon and back! xx


	26. All That's Left to Say to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the fall, or was it a push?! Sorry it’s a short chapter. See end for A/N.

Completely stunned by what had just happened, Gary stayed where he was, looking up at the man that had brought him floor with one shove. 

“Oh my God, Gary are you ok?” Lucas leaned over him, with concern, and offered a hand.  
Gary honestly wanted to bat the thing away from him, and tell Lucas to get lost. But for some reason, he feared it wouldn’t be wise to do so, and so took the proffered hand - but as soon as he was back on his feet, he let go, immediately.  
“I’m so sorry, baby – I don’t know my own strength, it was a complete accident!” Lucas implored.  
But Gary didn’t say one word, he just wanted Lucas to leave so he could go to bed alone.

“Baby, it was an accident – you know that don’t you?” Lucas continued, and Gary let him, for he knew Lucas was after some kind of verification from him, but Gary wasn’t going to give it to him.  
“It doesn’t look like there’s any damage at least, but I think I better get something for this cut though” Lucas went on to say, before he left Gary standing there, while he went into the kitchen to clean up the cut to his hand from moments ago.

Now alone in the lounge, Gary realised he was shaking, but whether it was from shock, anger or fear – he couldn’t put money on. He was still standing there when Lucas re-entered, complete with a fresh plaster on his hand from the glass cut. He surveyed Gary stilling standing where he’d left him, and gently shook his head.   
“Oh honestly Darling,” he said, rolling his eyes, “It was just an accident, you need to get over it.” Lucas said with almost a tired droll.  
“What does that mean?” Gary asked him, irritated by the dismissal in Lucas’ tone.   
“I’m just saying there’s no need to sulk about it, it was a silly accident, that’s all”, Lucas said calmly, in a tone best used when speaking to a child.  
“I’m not sulking, I know that!” Gary seethed, through gritted teeth.  
“Well, then say it” Lucas requested.  
“Say what?”  
“Say, you know it was an accident” Lucas demanded.  
“Why? I just told you –”  
“I want to hear you say it, then I’ll know you believe it true. So go on, ‘it was an accident’- say it back to me” Lucas commanded with a strange tone.

There was that feeling again – Gary felt a chill run up his back, he knew he was making Lucas angry again, but he didn’t know why - he just wanted the bastard to get lost pronto…  
“Fine! It was an accident Lucas, is that better?”   
“It’ll do, I suppose.” Lucas commented as he approached Gary, with a seductive look in his eyes.

Gary felt his back immediately stiffen, as straight as a board, the moment he felt Lucas’ hands glide up his sides - even the lightest of touches making his skin crawl. He turned his head just in time to avoid a pair of hungry lips, but If Lucas noticed, he didn’t let on, as his lips landed on to the bare flesh of Gary’s neck instead, and left light kisses there.   
“Let’s go to bed” Lucas purred in his ear.  
Gary felt sick, sex tonight was the last thing he wanted, in fact sex with Lucas was the last thing he wanted ever again!  
“Actually –” Gary began, as Lucas continued hungrily kissing his neck while snaking his arms around Gary, “I think I just need to go to sleep alone tonight, I think its best you go home”, he said, trying to sound brave.

Immediately the unwanted lips left his neck, and Gary would have felt relief, if he didn’t feel so uneasy.  
“Come on, baby – there’s no need for that, let’s just go to bed” Lucas said, using that same patronising tone again.

Gary felt a wave of irritation brush over him, and it sent a rush of courage out his mouth, before his brain could catch up, “Look, I just want you to go home…AND I want the security code to MY house before you do!” Gary demanded, and instantly felt a proud relief to have finally said it…well, he was until he saw the change come over Lucas’ face.   
Lucas’ facial expression turned cold and hard, as he surveyed Gary carefully, as if he was trying to read his thoughts - Gary honestly got a chill, fearing that he actaually could read them.   
“Where did that sudden outburst come from?” Lucas said in a quiet but serious voice.   
A definite shiver shot up Gary’s back with that, but he knew he had to stand strong, “It’s my house Lucas, it’s not right you keeping that information from me, it’s like you’re purposely avoiding telling me the security code to my own house!”  
“Now, why would you say a thing like that?” Lucas said in a chilling tone.   
Gary was sick of his questions, he just wanted him to go, “I…you….just t-tell me the damn code!” he yelled, his adrenaline getting the best of him.  
Lucas stood there stoic and unreadable, and as the rush of adrenaline was spent, it left Gary with only worry as to what Lucas would say next, or do…  
But Lucas simply smiled, “ok darling, calm down. I’ll tell you everything you need to know”, he said.  
Gary was shocked, he hadn't expected that. A small wave of relief washed over him, but he also knew it couldn’t be that easy, surely!  
“But since it’s so late now, how about I go through the whole thing with you tomorrow morning? It’ll be much easier to show you in the day light”, he reasoned.  
Gary felt himself frown with suspicion, but it was better than nothing he supposed, “You promise?” he asked Lucas.  
Lucas’ smile grew wider, “Cross my heart and hope to die. Honestly, I will. So let’s just go bed, and we’ll sort it all out tomorrow” he said.  
Feeling unsure on whether he’d won the argument, or Lucas had, Gary nodded his consent nevertheless.  
“Good”, Lucas said with satisfaction, “That’s sorted. Now get up them stairs, there’s a good boy”.

***************************************

 

Gary sat at his desk with a hot mug of tea. He’d woken up that morning sore and aching from the night before, to find a note from Lucas saying he’d had to shoot off to see a family member. Lucas had never talked about any family before, not that Gary cared. But Gary knew somehow Lucas would get out of telling him the security code, and so he was not even surprised, if anything he was glad to be alone for once, and he wanted to keep it that way. 

He'd decided to call the security company himself, and try and get them to talk him through changing the code, but predictably, they said he needed the current code to change it; they could send someone around but it wouldn’t be until the end of the week. But Gary was determined to get the code himself, it was getting ridiculous that he’d let a man he didn’t have any feelings for have so much control over him.   
…the only problem was, he just didn’t know how. 

He’d never been in a situation like this. Like Robbie and the other lads, Gary was used to being the star that everyone liked to please; and so having someone dominate and control him like Lucas did, just sent him right back to feeling like that naïve 19 year-old again, who'd just joined a band under the control of a domineering manager.   
If he was honest, he wasn’t sure how to get himself out from underneath Lucas, if he even could. He actually worried, he couldn’t…at least, couldn't by himself, maybe he needed help?

Well mulling over his problems, his mind always drifted back to Robbie, and how much he missed his life with him, their life together. He then remembered wanting to email Robbie to explain why he left the charity dinner so early the night before.   
Sat at his laptop, he opened up a new email message, took a swig of rapidly-cooling tea, and began to type…

_Hi Robbie…_  
[DELETE]

_Dear Robbie…_  
[DELETE] …

_Robbie_   
_Hope your head isn’t too sore this morning. It was a great dinner last night, and it was nice to meet Ryan – he seems like a nice guy, which you deserve._

He paused there, thinking about the words; Robbie did deserve to be happy. True, he’d cheated and lied at the end of their relationship, and it still broke Gary’s heart, but before all that, Robbie had always treated Gary well, he’d loved him as his other half, as his equal. He missed that, he missed it a lot, but at the end of the day, it’d been his decision to end it with Robbie, and now that Robbie had found someone else, he needed to be happy for him.   
He just hoped they could still be friends, he honestly didn’t know if he could bear a life not talking to Robbie again for another 10-15 years. 

He sighed and approached the laptop again.

_I just wanted to apologise for not saying goodbye before I left last night. I had a headache earlier on and so wasn’t really in a good mood for socialising to be honest. In fact I know this sounds strange but I only really went last night to talk to you, but when I saw you with Ryan, I didn’t want to impose._

Gary paused…it was a small lie, but he couldn’t say he was jealous. Gary reread the paragraph before huffing in frustration.

[DELETE] [DELETE] [DELETE]

_I was sorry not to talk to you more, I would love for us to talk Robbie. Talk without arguing, I mean. The truth is I miss talking to you, most of all._

Gary was thinking of just signing off there, and pressing send but then a thought struck him and he began to type once more…

_I know we’ve both messed up, it wasn’t just you - I messed up too. But now I’ve messed up again, and I can’t seem to get myself out of it. I guess it hurt seeing you so happy last night, because I’m so unhappy. I just don’t know what to do, I think I need some help._

Gary shook his head and let out another frustrated sigh, he knew he couldn’t say that…

[DELETE] [DELETE] [DELETE] [DELETE] [DELETE] [DELETE]

He started again…

_Robbie_  
 _Hope your head isn’t too sore this morning. It was a great dinner last night, Ryan seems like a nice guy, and I want you to know I’m happy you found him, you honestly deserve nothing but happiness._  
 _I wanted to apologise for not saying goodbye before I left last night. I didn’t feel all that well, and wasn’t really in the mood, so I thought I’d better slip off. But I was sorry not to see you, or talk to you more, because I miss that a lot_.  
 _Best wishes, Gary x_

He re-read the message about ten times before he clicked send.   
The it was finally gone.   
He sighed, and hoped he’d done the right thing. He took a last swig of the now stone cold tea and was about to stand up when he saw he’d that second, received a new email. 

It was from Robbie.

_‘That was fast!’_ Gary thought to himself, a little shocked at the speedy reply...

_Gaz – great to hear from you. I wondered why you’d left so early. I hope it wasn’t because of me being with Ryan, because…well, he is just a friend. There’s honestly nothing between us. I took him as a thank you for working me so hard these last few weeks, that’s all. I was actually hoping to have talked to you more, if truth be told.  
Rob xx_

Gary read the message and smiled, and immediately started furiously typing a reply back… 

_Me too - I was sorry not to talk to you more, I would love for us to talk Robbie. Talk without arguing, I mean. Thanks for explaining about Ryan, I was more than a bit jealous if truth be told. You just seemed so happy with him, and I’m anything but that right now._   
_Gary xx_

He sent the message quickly before he could rethink it too much and press delete again!

A few moments passed before Gary received a new message from Robbie…

_What’s going on Gaz? What do you mean you’re not happy? I knew something was wrong - you don’t seem yourself right now, is it Lucas? It is, isn’t it? You can tell me, please just talk to me. RW xx_

Gary sighed reading that – could he tell him? He’d wanted to, and still did, but was it fair to tell Robbie this stuff now? It was his own mess, he needed to sort it out, and it seemed really perverse getting his ex to help him out with his now ‘lover’ – not that Gary saw Lucas as a lover, but he knew that was how it appeared from the outside, and to Lucas too. 

He began to type…

_I just need to sort some things out is all. The truth is, it’s all a bit of a mess right now, and I know I’ve got myself into it, so I have to get myself out of it, and I didn’t know how, but I think I know now. But please know I’m sorry to have messed you around, I always wanted us to stay friends, I’ve missed that so much. I’m sorry how things ended before you went to LA, I never meant to hurt you. Like I said, you deserve only happiness. Thank you for caring about me_ ...

[The doorbell rang downstairs].

Gary was about to add to it, but instead glanced over it and quickly clicked send. He ran downstairs to open the door, finding both his face and heart fall the instant he saw the slick blond hair and gleaming white teeth standing before him, in the doorway. 

*****************************************************************************

 

Robbie read the email, over and over, and fear filled his heart. He felt so helpless, that he couldn’t drive straight over. He needed to see Gary!   
He called his driver over, and was already waiting for him with the dogs in tow, outside on the front drive.  
“Where to?” his driver asked.  
“Home…Gary’s, as quick as you can”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, I’ve had a really busy week but wanted to at least post something this week. Hope you still enjoy it, much love and thanks for your lovely comments! Xx


	27. People Obscure The View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie races over to Gary, and is not happy with what he finds, but things can only get worse. So sorry for the delay! See end for A/N.

## People Obscure The View

Robbie was still on the motorway but there wasn’t far to go. While his driver tore down it doing 85mph on the outer lane, Robbie checked his emails again. Noticing there was still no response from Gary yet, he frowned. He knew he was jumping to conclusions, and was frankly acting a bit silly, but he just needed to know Gary was ok. Lucas was an arsehole, but he was also an arsehole with a creepy vibe, and Robbie couldn’t help feeling there was more to be cautious about when it came to Lucas. Robbie looked at his dogs, _their_ dogs – he’d brought along for the ride. He really didn’t want to hand them back over to Gary so soon, but he needed the pretence of bringing the dogs back to have an excuse to be going there, to begin with.

In no time at all, his driver was pulling up on to Gary’s spacious driveway. Robbie immediately spotted Gary’s Landover, and nestled beside it was a pretentious-looking slick black sports car that Robbie would bet his millions belonged to Lucas Harris-Turner.  
Knowing Lucas was indeed there too immediately had him on edge and Robbie hesitated before walking up to the door – what if Gary’s not happy to see him? – what if Lucas opens the door? – what if he’s got this all wrong and this was all a big mistake? ...the numerous thoughts flooded his head and continued to swirl as he slowly out-stretched a finger towards the doorbell.

He thought he heard raised voices inside, but after only a moment's pause he finally pressed the doorbell, and silence fell. He stood there waiting for the door to open, and briefly pondered on whether he should just let himself in, he still had his key after all. He waited a little longer before he removed his bunch of keys from his jacket pocket – sure Gary might be mad at him for invading his privacy, but then Gary was the one ignoring the bell. Just as he had located the key however, the man in question finally opened the door, if only by a narrow slit.  
“Robbie! What are you doing here?” a startled Gary breathily asked him.

But Robbie was prepared for this, he’d already tied the dogs up at the side of the house, but now gently tugged on their leads and brought them around for Gary to see. Immediately the dogs went crazy at the sight of Gary. They knew they were home. Robbie watched Gary’s reaction closely as it changed from surprise to elation and happiness, before a strange darkness then clouded over it, and left only worry in it's wake.  
“I don’t understand”, Gary eventually said, “why have you brought them back so early?” he desperately asked, “I said they could stay as long as you like – it’s been so long since you’ve spent time with them”. Gary looked confused, but Robbie saw a hint of something else in his eyes, too.  
“I know”, Robbie replied, trying to sound casual, “but see – I’m actually coming back down to London permanently, and I thought it’d be easier to leave them here with you, while I do”, Robbie lied – he completely made it up on the spot, although as he considered his own fabrication, it actually sounded like a good idea, after all why should he stay away- he needed to be here where he could keep an eye on everything…and everyone, “but Gaz that’s not the only” Robbie continued, dropping his voice to barely a whisper, “…I…I was worried – that email you left earlier – what did you mean and why didn’t you reply to me?!” Robbie questioned, he’d been so worried about Gary. However, it seemed to him, all that Gary cared about was why the dogs were there, not the fact that Robbie had travelled so far with them, to see him.

But Robbie couldn’t have been more wrong. In actual fact, the moment Gary saw Robbie through the window his heart had inflated with longing, he'd give anything to tell Robbie that but of course he wouldn’t, he couldn’t, and especially not with Lucas just beside him, hidden, on the other side of the door, listening intently. Gary hoped he hadn’t heard the part about the email. Although it pained him greatly he knew he had to get Robbie away.  
“Is there any chance you can take the dogs back with you?” Came Gary’s strange request, completely and very pointedly ignoring Robbie's questions; and Robbie very much noticed that.  
“Why?” he asked, irritated by Gary’s standoffishness.  
“I just think they need to spend time with you, in a place they’re saf- I mean, familiar with”, Gary sheepishly replied.  
“What does that mean? They’re safe with you too, aren’t they?” Robbie asked somewhat dumbfounded after guessing what Gary had meant to say.  
But before Gary could answer, Lucas came up beside him from behind the door, and Robbie was momentarily startled but tried to hide his surprise.  
“Well, of course they’re safe here" Lucas instead told him, "– but what Gary meant to say was, is that he thinks you should be taking some of the responsibility too, after all they’ve been here the entire time you’ve been away. It’s about time you did your share.” Lucas said with a smirk, and yet there was an obvious note of irritation and impatience to his voice.

Robbie was infuriated, did Gary really think that? “Is that what you think Gaz?” he glared at Gary, his jaw set.  
Gary shook his head, “NO! I just want what’s best for the dogs, and that’s sharing time with both of us. I never said –” but Gary left that last sentence unfinished as he felt Lucas’ hand slide behind his back before it suddenly gripped the back of his arm and pinched him hard, “owwerrr….please just take that dogs Rob, they need to spend time with you”, Gary said, trying to cover up the sharp pain he felt from Lucas.

Ignoring the widening sneer on Lucas’ face, Robbie fixed his stare on Gary. Something wasn’t right, there was a pained pleading look on Gary’s face...maybe Gary really did want the dogs to stay with him, Robbie thought, but why? His instinct told him to take the dogs, but also not to leave Gary.

Unfortunately, that decision was taken out of his hands when Lucas declared it was all sorted, “Well, now that’s agreed, I guess we’ll be seeing you”, and before Robbie or Gary could say otherwise, Lucas unceremoniously closed the door on Robbie and the dogs.  
Robbie instantly heard arguing on the other side of the door, but he wasn’t waiting to wonder what was going on, he knew he needed to see Gary. With his keys still in his hand, he checked the dogs were secured, and then threw caution to the wind; turning his old familiar key in the lock, he wasn’t sure what excuse he was going to use when he entered uninvited, but to hell with it –  
…except, he couldn’t turn the lock, his key wouldn’t fit.  
He checked the key, but it was definitely the right key. He stood there momentarily confused, while all the while the dogs whined, hearing the shouting from within, possibly detecting Gary’s distress no doubt. Then Robbie realised it was a different lock, the lock had been changed. Gary had changed the lock. The hurt was immediate but so was the bitterness, _‘How could he change the lock?! Does he want me out of his life that much!’_ he thought with much hurt.  
His hurt soon gave way to resentment, as he slickly pulled the key out, before coolly placing the bunch of keys back in his pocket. He grabbed the dogs leads, and turned his back on the shouting, walking up the drive, back to the car, and away from Gary, once more.

********************************************************************

 _Robbie,_  
_I’m sorry for what happened the other night – you just took me by surprise, but I know I’ve got a lot of explaining to do. I’m sorry for how Lucas was so rude to you, and for turning you away when you’d come so far. I hope you can forgive me. Gary x_  
...

 _Hi Robbie_  
_I get that you’re still mad at me for the other night. Rightly so, I guess. Lucas was so rude to you, and I shouldn’t have let him. But I honestly think the dogs are best with you right now, I can’t explain why, but I hope you understand somehow. I am sorry for everything. Gary x_  
...

 _Rob_  
_I get it, you’re ignoring me. I can accept that. I just want you to know, if you feel ready to talk to me, I can be reached by email. It would be nice to hear from you. Gaz x_  
...

_Hello Rob_  
_I don’t know what else to say, but know I need to try. It’s been 6 days and I honestly don’t know if you’re even reading these emails. You’re probably just deleting them, so I’m not sure why I’m still writing to you but I guess it’s out of hope. I hope you and the dogs are ok– I miss them like crazy. G x_

That last email Robbie had received from Gary, was from a couple of days ago.  
It’d been over a week since the fiasco with the dogs on Gary's doorstep, and still Robbie hadn’t replied to Gary’s many emails, regardless of how many times a day that he read them, and that was at least 4 or 5 times each.  
Robbie was mad at Gary, for so many reasons but that wasn’t what kept him from replying – well, maybe for part it was out of pure stubbornness; but a part of him also liked the fact it was Gary chasing him for once, and was it so bad that he enjoyed that? …well yes, it was – or so he conceded to himself, and so he let Gary stew for only one more day without a reply before he finally replied…

_Of course the dogs are OK with me, I at least look after them, and frankly I’m happy to keep them permanently, if that’s what you honestly want, and from the impression I got, it feels like you want to cut all ties with me, and I guess that includes the dogs too. RW_

Robbie knew it sounded harsh, but he was looking for answers, but also to spark a reaction out of Gary in order to get that. Predictably, he didn’t have to wait long for a reply…

 _Cut ties?! I don’t understand_ \- was Gary’s short reply.

 _Dumping OUR dogs with me, and changing the locks to what was once OUR home, are pretty clear signals._ \- Robbie quickly wrote back. 

There was no reply for a day after that, which only served to worry Robbie, that his theory was actually correct. Then at last came a short message from Gary…

_I know it doesn’t make sense, I just know the dogs are safe with you, and I can’t say the same for them if they are here with me, especially while Lucas is still around. He doesn’t like them. So until I’ve sorted everything out, it’s best for them to not be here while HE is. I can’t tell you more than that, I’m sorry to cause you problems, I really am – but you know I love them dogs with all my heart, they’re my babies – I just want to protect them. Gary x  
… _P.S – I didn’t change the locks, Lucas changed them AND the security system when I was out not long ago, I would never have done that. You have to believe me – cutting ties is the last thing I’d want, ever_. _

Robbie reread that email maybe 40 times. It made him both happy and baffled in equal measure – the situation with the dogs still confused him but if what Gary said was true, then Gary didn’t want to cut ties, and that was a very good sign, but ‘what the hell was Lucas playing at?!’ Robbie said to himself, _‘And how on Earth could Gary let Lucas get away with changing so much?!_ he thought, frustratedly. 

****************************************************************** 

Over the next few days, Gary and Robbie began emailing each other more, and the conversation was a lot more relaxed. Robbie told Gary not to worry about the dogs, that he’d look after them, and that Gary was welcome to pop over and see them anytime. Robbie also confirmed that he was indeed moving back down to London, and Gary seemed to be very happy to hear that.  
They talked about the band, and what still needed to be done with the album, but it would still be a couple more weeks before everyone’s calendars synched in time to head back into the studio.  
In the meantime, Robbie was scheduled to do some writing with a couple of song-writing pals, which Gary said sounded great, and wished him luck. 

Then on one breezy, dull morning, everything changed when Robbie found himself at the offices of his manager to get more details on the writing, and check on a few other things too.  
He was just leaving a small conference area he’d been using, when he spotted _him_ coming out of another room, shaking the hands of some execs. Lucas Harris-Turner was well turned out as usual, this time sporting a navy blue suit with a pinstriped shirt and a yellow tie with matching handkerchief. 

Robbie was in two minds as to what to do – one very strong urge he had was to simply go over and knock the snake’s head right off. As far as Robbie was concerned, the guy was toxic, and the more time Gary was with him, the more Lucas sank his teeth into Gary, poisoning him, controlling him.  
However, the other part of him, just wanted to not even make eye contact with him, on account of the instant vomiting sensation that provided him with. 

Unfortunately, the choice was removed from Robbie, when Lucas spotted him, and with only a faint glimmer of surprise he smirked and proceeded to walk towards Robbie.  
Robbie clenched his teeth tightly, frowning at the approaching man. He was in no mood to even play-act being civil. Lucas seemed to guess that but only raised his eyebrows inquisitively at Robbie while he walked on by, straight past Robbie, and into a nearby empty room. Slightly bewildered, Robbie turned around and found Lucas subtly beckoning him over to the room. Without thinking, Robbie followed him over, but entering the room he found it was little more than a storage cubicle. Nevertheless Lucas closed the door behind him, and suddenly Robbie felt an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia; trapped in a tiny room with the human he disliked the most, in the world. 

Lucas had that same nauseating smirk on his face, obviously revelling in Robbie’s discomfort, “How unexpected to see you here, I was meeting a potential client of the studio here, but what a nice surprise”, Lucas said.  
“Is it?” Robbie spikily said, practically grinding his teeth.  
“Sure – in fact you might call it serendipitous, see I was meaning to talk to you”, Lucas casually said, keeping his tone level.  
Robbie didn’t want to know what Lucas had to say, for he had a lot to say to the rat, himself. Lucas was right about one thing though, this was a fortunate opportunity; in fact the perfect chance to see Lucas off and out of Gary’s life for good. For some reason, Gary couldn’t shift the creep – but Robbie knew he could! 

Except Lucas was the first to speak, “Look Robbie, I know you’re having a hard time letting go, but that's exactly what you need to do – let go. Gary’s not yours anymore, he’s mine, and believe me when I saw I will do about anything to keep it that way”, Lucas said his voice no longer cool, but chillingly serious.  
If Robbie was a little taken aback by that, he didn’t show it, “Excuse me? He’s not anyone’s! He is his own person! And if anyone needs to let go, it’s YOU! He doesn’t want anything to do with you – I can’t believe you can’t see that, so why do you insist on trying to push yourself into his life?” 

Lucas’ lips thinned into a slit, and Robbie knew he’d touched a nerve, and so persevered, “I know all this is just a game to you, after all YOU told me you wanted him, so you got him. Except we both know you purposely gave me alcohol, in order to do just that!”  
“Ha! And you say I should let it go!” Lucas laughed harshly, “You’re a fucking joke – you know that!”, he added with a sneer, “the best thing you can do, is keep your distance!” 

Robbie shook his head, “No way, I’m not going anywhere – and you know why?! Because Gary doesn’t want me to, he wants me in his life – which is more than I can say for you!” Robbie stung back.  
Robbie saw a flash of something close to rage in Lucas’ eyes, only for a moment and then it was gone, and suddenly that cool exterior was back, “Keep believing that if you like, but we both know I’m the one in his bed, not you!” Lucas sneered.  
“Oh please, have you ever stopped to ask Gary if he even wants you there? Or are you just scared of how he’ll answer?” Robbie smirked back. 

“You’re just jealous –" 

“Jealous? What of you being so desperate that you push yourself into someone’s life without waiting to find out if you’re actually wanted there?!” Robbie savagely mocked, becoming more and more agitated by the blond slime ball’s confidence when Robbie knew he had no right to it, if only he knew the real truth. 

Lucas smiled like he’d not even heard Robbie’s jibe, “You’re so jealous, you can’t breathe. And frankly, I can’t blame you, I mean I’d be jealous of the man giving to my Ex too, the Ex I was still in love with too!” Lucas smiled knowingly, as he saw Robbie’s own sneer drop. Robbie's back stiffened, as he felt the words stab in his chest.  
Revelling in the response of Robbie’s body language, Lucas continued to brag, “Yeah every single night I’m with Gary, all the while you’re just sat at home on your own, just begging to be with him”. He paused then to lean near Robbie’s ear, before he added in a whisper, “But I’m the one who is, ploughing into him each night, sometimes twice – because that lad can take it well” Lucas continued to smile, while anger dominated Robbie’s face all the more. Robbie felt bile rising in his throat. But he was so angry, he couldn’t even retaliate. He was livid of how Lucas was using the mention of his having sex with Gary to get to him, where it hurt; and Robbie was even more furious that it was working….’well, two can play that game!’ he mused to himself. 

“You may be in his bed, but I’m in his heart – and I can guarantee he’ll be thinking of me every time he’s with you!” He said victoriously, not knowing if that was actually true but hoping it was. Seeing the glimmer of doubt cloud over Lucas’ face was enough to encourage Robbie to go on, “In fact I know it! – You’re nothing to him Lucas, so get that through your thick over-gelled head! He doesn’t even want you there!” He taunted, before (without thinking) he added, “he’s told me that himself!” 

That did it. 

Lucas went from relatively irritated, to downright dark. Without thinking but just hoping to get one over the smarmy confident slime ball, Robbie had let slip he was communicating with Gary, and now those last words hung between them, in the air like a never-ending echo, repeating again and again in both their heads.  
Lucas stayed stoically silent for some time, likely considering Robbie’s surprise revelation. Perhaps absorbing the words, and shaping a meaning behind them; he had afterall suspected Gary was still talking to Robbie, and he knew that couldn’t continue. 

“You need to stay away from him”, Lucas suddenly said. His tone was quiet but commanding. There was a dark look in his eyes like he wanted to hit something. It unnerved Robbie because Lucas was currently standing between himself and the only exit. But he wasn’t about to show weakness in front of Lucas, “I’m not going anywhere, Lucas” he daringly returned, but mainly out of stubbornness. 

Lucas shook his head like he was having to deal with an idiot – “You need to stay away, for your own good. You think giving you alcohol is the worst thing I can do?! You have no idea!” He sneered dangerously. 

Robbie’s eyes widened at the mention of the alcohol – had Lucas just admitted he had intentionally given Robbie a tray of alcoholic drinks, after all? He felt momentary jubilation, but it did only last a moment however as he recalled the rest of what Lucas had said…had Lucas really just threatened him? 

"You did stitch me up with the alcohol that night! Just so you could take Gary home?!" Robbie said shooting daggers at the blond man. 

“Let’s just say that maybe I got the drinks mixed up, and maybe I didn’t, but I didn’t make you drink them, and I certainly didn’t make you argue with Gary,” Lucas told him, with a visible glint in his eye, “I just knew I had to give you time to fuck it up with Gary all by yourself, and then swoop in and take him for my own”. 

Robbie had heard enough, he had known Lucas had stitched him up that night, and it had ruined everything between him and Gary, and no one had believed him neither! 

The anger proceeded to build up inside Robbie, until he was visibly shaking. He swallowed hard and could taste the sickly sweet adrenaline now pumping around his body. He heard Lucas snigger at the effect his words had obviously evoked, and suddenly Robbie couldn’t take any more; he lurched forward, pulling his right fist back ready to land a punch that would wipe that smirk off Lucas’ face! 

…But Lucas was ready for him, and in a flash he had avoided the punch and switched it all around, pulling Robbie towards him before spinning him around and pinning him against the wall.  
Robbie was winded, in shock, and pain at how tightly Lucas was holding his wrists against the hard cold door. Lucas laughed in his face as Robbie struggled to free himself from the hold, but Lucas was too strong for him and pushed him further against the door, almost toying with him, like a cat with a mouse. Lucas brought his mouth to Robbie’s ear, and laughed cruelly, calling him a joke then breathed, “He is mine Robbie, I can promise you that – and no one is going to take him away, but especially not you! So if you know what’s best, you will stay away from Gary, for good!” 

There was no time to react or retailiate, as with that final word, Lucas pulled Robbie off away from the door, and shoved him roughly to the side as if he was nothing, before he opened the door, and deftly left though it before slamming the door behind him.  
Robbie was left in there alone.  
A little shaken, and he wasn’t afraid to admit, he was scared. Robbie was actually scared - but not for him, no, he was scared for Gary. Lucas was way too possessive and now he knew he was aggressive too. 

He wished he hadn’t let slip that he and Gary had talked, if only in emails. He now feared Lucas would confront Gary with it, and though he worried it would mean an end to their emails, he was more worried about how he’d landed Gary in it. What would Lucas do? 

One thing was for sure, threat or no threat – he wouldn’t rest till Gary was safe away from Lucas. But he knew he needed to be smart, and fight fire with fire. Lucas had showed he knew Robbie’s weaknesses and could use them against him, so it was about time Robbie found more out about Lucas Harris-Turner. 

_************************************************************************_

When Lucas arrived at Gary’s, he could tell Gary was not pleased to see him. He knew he didn’t hold Gary’s heart, he could see that, and it upset him, but that only made it even more of a challenge. The hostility, the disdain, the resistance; it all served to drive him on. Gary could be manipulated and controlled, and Lucas knew he would break him eventually too.  
BUT he also knew Gary was still talking to Robbie, and THAT couldn’t continue. 

Gary told him he needed to get back to work in his little basement studio, to which Lucas smiled, and told him, “well, of course…but if I could just have a quick word before you do”. Keeping his voice and demeanour cool, he led Gary into the dinning room, and quickly closed the double doors behind them. Gary frowned at the closed doors, and was about to ask what Lucas wanted, when he suddenly looked up into Lucas’ eyes, and saw _that_ look.  
Gary froze, instantly knowing something was wrong. 

“What have I done?” Gary quietly asked, as a chill swam down his back. 

“Oh, you know”, Lucas quietly told him, and locked the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, so sorry for the delay – I was so busy last weekend, and so this chapter was left unfinished for days. Thank you for your comments, and I know this was another dark chapter, but I promise you’ll like the next one, where finally, FINALLY, after so many miscommunications, and unmeant words, R & G talk it out, and… ;) xxx


	28. Just Listen to Your Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he notices Gary acting strangely, Robbie is determined to show up smarmy Lucas for the dangerously controlling man he is, and turns his hand to sleuthing.

## Just Listen to Your Heart

Robbie emailed Gary, but received no reply. He tried calling, but the phone went to voicemail every time. He wanted to go over there, but knew that would only make things worse. He just couldn’t get over the dangerous look he’d seen in Lucas’ eyes, and the menace in his voice. _’What if Gary was in real trouble? What if Lucas hurt him?’_ the thoughts continued to swirl around his head, _’Maybe, that’s what Gary was hinting at with the dogs, that Lucas hated them so much he’d hurt the dogs. But with the dogs not there, who would he take his anger out instead?’_ That thought made Robbie more than shudder, in fact it damn right terrified him.

After a couple more days of sleepless worrying, he couldn’t take it anymore – what if Gary really needed him? Gary may not technically be _his_ actual boyfriend right now, but in Robbie’s heart, he never stopped being it, and he would never stop loving Gary…ever!

On the third day, an idea speared into his mind like a strike of lightening; what if he was to arrange a work thing – then Gary would have to be there. As the idea grew in his head, a calculating smile accompanied it, he could be damn smart when he wanted to, if he said so he himself.

Howard told Robbie he would get the message to Gary, after Robbie dropped the hint that he still felt a bit awkward contacting Gary. Howard had sounded bemused at the time, “I thought you were ok now, what with the to-ing and fro-ing with the dogs?” Howard had questioned, but Robbie convinced him, it would just be easier this way.

A date was set for in two days’ time, and the lads all met at Mark’s house. It was the first time they had all met up in months, except it wasn’t all of them…Gary wasn’t there.  
“What do you mean, he’s ill?” Robbie asked, his tone short, as he felt his plan crumble.  
Howard looked at him quizzically, “As in, he’s ill, Rob – or does that word mean something else now?!” he slightly mocked.  
“Yeah smart-arse - I get that part, but…I mean, did he tell you that personally, or did _someone_ else?” Robbie continued, trying to sound calm, but feeling his recent resting state of ‘agitated worry’ sink back in.  
“What do you mean, by that?”  
“I mean! Did Gary tell you he was ill, or did someone speak for him, someone like…Lucas, for instance?” – He was still trying his hardest to sound casual. But Howard saw straight through it…  
“Oh Rob, for crying out loud”, he tiredly replied.  
“No, Doug – don’t ‘oh Rob’ me! Did you speak to Gary, or not?!” Robbie asked in earnest, ignoring the rolling eyes that met his concerns.  
“Yes, alrigh’! I spoke to him, and HE said he couldn’t make it because he was full of a head cold”, Howard reasoned.  
“But did he actually sound like he had a cold?” Robbie wasn’t letting go so easily.  
“I guess…yes, he did”.  
“But Gary’s never ill, or at least when he is, he’d still usually make it in, I don’t understand” Robbie quietly commented, almost to himself.  
“Rob, don’t read too much into it, and give him a break - the guy is allowed to be ill, it doesn’t always have to be about you, you know!” Howard said, rather bluntly.  
Robbie felt his eyebrows furrow with irritation, “I know that! I’m just worried about him, or is it illegal for me to still do that, now?!” he angrily challenged.  
“Of course not”, Mark’s small voice piped in.  
“Look lads, let’s just get a new date for the studio booked in, ok?” came Jason’s wise calming voice.

They all agreed on that, but it didn’t stop Robbie worrying. He knew Gary, truly knew him, and so he knew nothing save being on the operating table would keep him from work, especially when it came to Take That work. But he kept his concerns private - at least until Jason and Howard had gone home, and he was left alone with just Mark, whom he hoped would be more sympathetic of his concerns…  
“I need to do something – I know no one will believe me, but Lucas IS bad news, Mark – and I have a horrible feeling if we don’t do something to get Gary away from him, we’ll regret it!” Robbie told the smallest band member.  
Mark frowned with concern, “what do you mean?” he asked.  
“I told you how he cornered me the other day, well he DID admit he planted the alcohol, and he DID threaten me…. Or at least I hope he did!” Robbie told him.  
Mark looked confused, “what do you mean, you _hope_ he did?”  
“I mean, I hope it was ME, he was threatening, and not Gary”.  
“Why would he threaten Gary?”  
“For fucks sake Mark! – Because he’s a fucking psycho! He’s controlling…he’s manipulating…he’s taking over Gary’s entire life! Plus he knows me and Gary are growing close again, and of course he doesn’t like it!”  
“You and Gary are getting close again?” Mark asked, sounding hopeful.  
“Jesus – that’s what you took from all that?!” Robbie snapped.   
“Look – I get you don’t like the guy but –”  
“No, I hate him Mark! But that’s not the point! I’m telling you the truth – why you won’t believe me?!” Robbie beseeched, so deeply frustrated. He just needed someone to believe him, to validate what he knew to be true.

….and that’s when another idea popped in his head.   
“Look buddy” Mark started, momentarily interrupting Robbie’s thoughts, “I get how you must be feeling, but if Gary felt something was up, he’d have already sorted it by now. He’s strong, Rob – he always has been – he can look after himself”.  
“No, he can’t! You just don’t see it, Mark!” Robbie yelled, before adding in a much quieter, calmer voice, “...but you will”.  
Mark cocked his eye at that. “What does mean?” he asked, curiously (and slightly worriedly).  
Robbie smiled, feeling proud for thinking of the perfect solution, “I’m going to hire a private detective to find proof! Then you’re all believe me!” he said triumphantly.

*************************************************************************** 

 

So Mark had looked at him as if he was crazy for having the suggestion, but the very next day, Robbie had put his ‘crazy’ plan into action.   
It was his assistant that actually got the guy’s details, but Robbie insisted on communicating with the private investigating consultant himself. It was time to find out exactly where Lucas Harris-Turner came from, and what past he was hiding.

*************************************************************************** 

 

Gary stayed stock still, his trembling fingers still hovering over the keyboard, and he stared at the screen. He had read all the emails from Robbie, every single one. He had also clicked ‘reply’ so many times but deleted them just in case he was caught. BUT now he was alone and this was it, his chance to email back, to tell Robbie he was ok, to tell him he was thinking about him too.  
…but he couldn’t.   
Lucas was still downstairs, and didn’t want him to communicate with Robbie at all.   
_”If he doesn’t leave you alone, then just know I can make life incredibly difficult for him, Gary”_ Lucas had intimidatingly told him. No phone calls, no emails, no contact at all - those were the rules, and Robbie would be fine.   
Gary had thought he could do it, out of love, and acceptance of what was now his life, he thought he would be able to keep to what Lucas said, and keep Robbie safe – but it was so hard when all he wanted to do was speak to Robbie.

Slowly, however, he ultimately withdrew his hands from near the keyboard, still staring at the empty email message box, before he closed the laptop screen down altogether, and made it all disappear.   
But his hands still trembled.   
He knew he was the definition of a broken man, Lucas had broken his spirit, and now he simply had no strength to even try to defy the domineering blond, _’what was the point?’_ He had concluded. The dogs were gone, he hadn’t spoken to family or friends for ages and Robbie probably thought he was ignoring him, and hating him for it - Robbie probably thought he (Gary) deserved it. 

He had no idea what to do, or what would become of him.   
But then as if by some divine intervention the phone rang, and somewhere in the house he heard Lucas talking. Gary stayed where he was, watching the door, until a few minutes later when the talking had seized and he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. They approached the door to his bedroom, the bedroom that had until now been his refuge of solitude today.  
Lucas opened the door, and although Gary’s natural instinct was to feel on edge, he down-played it and smiled at Lucas congenially, as he walked in. “Ah, here you are – why are you hiding in here?” Lucas asked him with a smirk.  
“I’m not, I was just resting.” Gary said trying hard to sound natural rather than defiant, as that usually just made things worse, “who was on the phone?” he asked carefully feigning only moderate interest.   
“One of your bandmates, Howard. Apparently, you’re due back in the studio on Friday. I said I’ll drive you in”, Lucas told him, and to Gary, he even sounded in a generously, good mood for once.

******************************************************************************

 

Robbie was the first at the studio that Friday, then Howard, then Jason, and as they waited for the small members, Gary showed up with Lucas in tow. Lucas put on the charm in front of the other lads, making gently fun as 'being Gary's taxi driver!', and all but completely ignored Robbie the whole time. Then he thankfully left, but not before whispering something quietly in Gary’s ear, something that made Gary’s eyes instantly flicker over into Robbie’s direction, if only for a split second.

Robbie felt his heart hurt just looking at his past lover. Gary looked tired, his eyes were red and glassy. His brow pale and clammy. There was still care in his appearance, but the oversized dark green hoodie made him appear so small and delicate, that Robbie simply longed to pull him into his arms, and keep him there for eternity.  
“Wow, Gaz – you still look awful, are you sure you’re well enough to be here?” Howard commented meaning to simply poke fun, but Gary felt instantly affronted, “I’m fine!” he snapped back, “shall we just get on with it?” he added and proceeded to get his laptop equipment out.  
Howard looked slightly boggled by Gary’s mild outburst, he had only been kidding and Gary would normally get that, but seemingly not that morning, “Of course Gaz, I just…well, you still look a bit peaky is all, I don’t want you getting worse by trying to sing still full of cold”.   
Gary looked up at him, and sighed, his eyes instantly softened, “Sorry Dougie, I didn’t mean to bark at you, I’m just still a bit tired but I can do it, I promise”.   
Howard still looked concerned but nodded anyway, and for that Gary was grateful.   
To tell the truth, Gary was anxious after Howard’s comments because he secretly knew he hadn’t even been truly ill; he just told the guys that, so for Howard to insinuate he _still_ looked ill, had him unnerved and slightly miffed. But he managed to shrug off those concerns once little Markie had finally arrived, and they were all set to get to work.

Gary knew the direction of his eyes and body language gave the impression he was concentrating on the task at hand – putting some existing vocals to another track after they’d changed the lyrics to its predecessor - it wasn’t working though, the lyrics were dead in the water; and he honestly didn’t have the energy to try very hard. But more than that he was busy focusing on how a pair of pensive eyes kept boring into the side of head, from across the room. He knew Robbie wanted answers, he deserved answers…but with Lucas’ threat against Robbie still ringing in his head, he knew he couldn’t chance it. The only thing to do was swallow down the hurt and longing, and turn his attention back to the screen.

From across the room, Robbie watched the tired man’s brow furrow in concentration. He knew something was wrong, Robbie needed to talk to him, and somewhere Lucas wouldn’t find out.  
However, Robbie wasn’t the only one to notice the obvious difference there was in Gary, the other lads visibly noticed how Gary had barely voiced an opinion all day. Instead he was quiet, inwardly thoughtful and somewhat lethargic. They however, took the assumption he must still be ill, particularly when Gary took more than 2 seconds to decide whether to have a brew later that afternoon – _that_ type of indecision was unheard of, even when he had had the flu one time!   
Inwardly, Robbie was getting more and more frustrated. By first seeing the strange behaviour in Gary, and secondly having the other lads simply shrug it all off, for he knew it was significant. He kept giving Mark exaggerated pointed looks every time Gary did or said something very ‘un-Gary-like’, and Mark would return the look but then would visibly shrug it off, with a gentle shake of his head or a small shrug of the shoulders, as if to say ‘ _yeah I see it too, but it’s nothing to fret over_ ’.   
Except, Robbie did fret.

It wasn’t until later that afternoon, when Jason had asked Gary to be the tie-breaker in a decision on whether or not a verse should be included, that things took a turn; Jason and Mark thought it was better without it, while Robbie and Howard liked the addition, “So, Gaz – what will it be?” Howard asked.   
“I don’t know, someone else decide” was Gary’s lame response.  
“But it’s a tie, which is why we need you to have the final say…ok Gaz?” Mark chipped in.  
But Gary didn’t want to, he didn’t want two of them to be upset with him as well, and so he shook his head, “I told you, I don’t know” he meekly responded.  
Mark looked at him confused, “but…you always know.”  
“Well, I don’t know now”, Gary huffed and went back to his laptop, beginning to become agitated by the attention of the other lads.  
“Give me a break, you do know, but you’re just not saying – you always know – so what’s different now huh?!”, Robbie question, now beyond frustration, he suspected he may need to forcibly ‘pull the poison’ out of Gary.   
But frustratingly for him, the other lads put a stop to that.   
“Ok Rob, calm down. It’ll wait”, Mark said trying to calm the rapidly forming tension in the room. Everyone was looking from Gary to Robbie, no one wanted to witness another fight that would only add to testify that it was perhaps too hard for ex-lovers to work together.  
“Yeah, it’s ok Gary, we’ll talk about it later” Jason interjected, always the voice of reason.

But Robbie knew he couldn’t let it go – it was one more symptom, in a long line of worrying indications that Gary was not right at all. He knew for Gary’s own good, he did indeed have to force it out of him - “No, Jase - we’re talking about it now!” He said with a sense of authority, “we’re talking about how ridiculous you’re being Gary! I mean look at the state of you! You look a mess, and you’re not right, all of it isn’t right, and I know why! Its ‘cos you’ve got Lucas’s poisonous words seeping into your mind, he’s in your head so deep, you can’t think for yourself!”   
Red in the face, Gary was stunned by the outburst, as were the other lads, “I….wha…that’s not true!” Gary weakly tried, knowing full well it was near the truth but he couldn't admit that.  
“Fine – then just make the damn decision – go on!” Robbie fired back, refusing to give.  
“Rob!” Mark implored, “Please just let it go, we’ll discuss it again later, ok?”  
“No, we’re discussing it now, he needs to listen, he needs to see what that arsehole has done to him, Mark!”  
“What do you mean?” Howard piped up.  
“He means nothing, I’m fine!” Gary glared at Robbie.  
“Please!” Robbie savagely mocked, “You are far from fine, look at how weak he’s made you!”  
The words instantly stung in Gary’s heart, but he refused to listen, “I’m NOT weak!”  
Robbie let out a thundering fake laugh at that, “Are you kidding me? no one can barely recognise you, you’re so fucking weak!” 

The room went silent.  
It was too far. The lads stared at Robbie, shocked and appalled by his words, but Robbie couldn’t care, he knew he had to rattle Gary if only to get some human reaction.  
He got one.

Gary swallowed a lump down hard. He felt the heat instantly rise in his face and so bit down on his lip; he felt so embarrassed and self-conscious. The words were still ringing around the room, and Gary’s eyes never left Robbie’s. The strained look in them, was obvious to them both. The shock, the hurt, it pained them both; the one that received it, and the one that had said it. Robbie then realised he had in fact gone too far again, but he thought he had needed to, he thought he needed to shock Gary into realisation, he thought that was the only way to help him.  
However, Robbie now knew he was wrong.   
He loved Gary with all his heart, and that’s what Gary needed, that’s what would help him – not more anger, but love.  
…if only Gary would let him in, but Gary averted his eyes from Robbie's – he wasn’t about to let anyone see, or know more than he was willing to give up.

“Gary, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that”, Robbie gently said, as he tentatively stepped closer to Gary’s mortified form. From somewhere behind him, there was a cough followed by a pointed clearing of the throat; the other two lads got the hint, and all three very quickly (and quietly) left the room to give the ex-lovers some space.

Now perfectly alone, a stillness remained, and a deafening silence lingered, but it was strangely not uncomfortable, in fact it was almost calming as it allowed the tension that had risen in the room between them, simply dissipate.  
After some silence however, Gary took a deep shaky breath, and spoke five unsettling words, “ _he_ says I’m weak too”.  
Robbie’s insides rapidly chilled. He felt his heart stabbed by what had been his own words to Gary, words that had unintentionally matched that of Lucas’. He felt sick, “Gaz –“  
But Gary interrupted his starting...  
“I thought he was just saying it, but if you think that too –”  
“No! I don’t! You’re not weak Gaz!” Robbie cut him off, “You are the strongest man I know, whatever he says to you, it’s not true – none of it!”  
“I hope so…” Gary said quietly, thoroughly downbeat. 

Robbie kept his eyes on the man he loved to the moon and back, but also one he now barely recognised. Gary was skittish, and on edge, like he was afraid of his own shadow. There was no fire in his eyes, no laughter in his voice.   
He was broken.

“Gaz, why are you still with him? I don’t understand? I know you don’t feel anything for him…do you?” Robbie spoke shyly, as if he was actually afraid of how Gary would answer that.   
“I’ve told you before I don’t. I just don’t know how to get him out of my life. I don’t understand how he’s crept his way in…I don’t know…but I just can’t seem to get him out of my house! It’s not because I feel anything for him, it’s because he somehow evades it so well. So I guess that does make me weak, after all.”  
“YOU ARE NOT WEAK!”

Without a second thought or moment’s hesitation, Robbie cut the distance between them in one stride, and instantly captured Gary’s pale face in his hands, immediately forcing Gary’s eyes to meet his once more, as he looked into them intently.  
“You are in no way weak, Gary – you have to believe me”, Robbie softly told him as he gently caressed Gary’s tired face; holding the beautiful and unshaven jawline that still felt at home held there in Robbie’s warm inked hands.  
A spark of electricity coursed through Gary’s veins like lightning, and Gary immediately leaned into Robbie’s touch. Instinctively he brought one of his own hands up, and placed it over Robbie’s to keep it held there against his own cheek. Absorbing the warmth of the soft touch, he felt comfortably at peace and yet incredibly stimulated all at the same time; he felt like he was home.

Robbie was mesmerized by the scene before him, as he watched Gary hold on to his hand, keeping it firm against his warm whiskery cheek. The effect was overwhelming; Robbie felt an intense pull in his stomach, a deep yearning from within – he wanted to kiss Gary, he needed to kiss him…

Robbie gently nudged his whole body closer to Gary, and felt the smaller man follow suit. Robbie began to lower his head towards Gary’s, effectively halving the distance between them, but needing Gary to officially close the gap. Gary was nearing him, slowly but surely, and their eyes never left each other. It took all of Robbie’s will power not to lurch forward and claim Gary’s lips with his own hungry ones. It had to be Gary, it needed to be Gary to make the first move.  
Gary’s eyes were swimming with so much emotion. The more Robbie stared into those eyes, the more emotions he saw; anguish, anxiety, fear, yearning, hunger, insecurity, love…if they weren't so that familiar; that beautiful blue-hazel-green mix, he would have sworn they belonged to someone else, as he was not used to seeing such a look in Gary’s eyes.  
Robbie wanted to take it away, take away all the pain and anguish, take away everything that had happened in the past, to them both, and make it better. He knew he could make it better if only Gary let him.   
All it took was a kiss, and they could start again.   
One single kiss.

They inched closer to each other, their own lips searching for the others…  
Gary slowly parted his lips as he finally closed his eyes, still drifting closer to Robbie.   
There was intent…

…but then there was a tiny pause and suddenly a different look came over Gary’s face; Robbie saw a frown set in, and a wash of nervousness and uncertainty crawled its way over Gary’s beautiful perfect features, tainting them. Gary stopped reaching forward, his lips stilled, and he bowed his head slightly, dropping his face away from Robbie’s. Robbie released a sorrowful sigh as he realised their moment had passed, unfulfilled.   
Needing to grab anything he could however, he reached forward to allow his lips to make contact with Gary’s forehead. After planting a soft warm kiss there, he let his own forehead rest against Gary’s. Gary moved closer in, revelling in the warm close contact, and Robbie simultaneously pulled him into his chest, wrapping his muscular arms around Gary, holding him close; safe and protected. 

So maybe it wasn’t a kiss like Robbie had hoped for, but in actual fact it was still something special; the physical contact, the closeness was intensely intoxicating, and in a lot ways instantly remedying. They hadn't hugged like this since before the break up, and with different wounds to heal, that small private moment they shared, just the two of them; there seemed to be a silent unspoken realisation - the healing they both needed, could and would only come from them both together.   
So maybe no kiss yet, but the hope of one was very much there, and so much more.

They stayed like that, in an incredibly intimate hug, for how long? They did not know. No words were needed, no explanation, just their bodies intertwined, and their foreheads resting against each other. They were the perfect fit, they always had been.  
Removing themselves from the moment was incredibly hard, but when they eventually did and Gary had left a little later after that, it left Robbie with more questions than answers. But it also left a tremendous feeling of hope, and that made Robbie feel the happiest he’d felt in a very long time.

Upon finding that the other lads had also left for the day, Robbie began to gather his things together too, when his phone began to buzz, vibrating in his back pocket. He pulled it out and looked down at the screen. He frowned with initial confusion at seeing the name that flashed up, before realisation hit, it was the private detective.  
“I wasn’t expecting a call from you so soon” Robbie remarked as he picked up the phone, full of intrigue. And he was right to be so; the private detective informed him, that he’d found Lucas’ ex-boyfriend and was about to make contact with him.   
Robbie frowned pensively, “No, actually – if it’s ok, I think I’d like to go talk to him, myself. I promise all will be fine, but I’d really like to know what he’s like”.   
The private detective provided Robbie the address, and wished him well in finding his answers. 

***************************************************************************

 

Robbie held the woollen beanie tight over his head, being recognised was the last thing he needed as he walked alone down the unfamiliar suburban street. He checked the address he’d scribbled down on a screwed up piece of paper, and knew he’d found the house he was searching for. It was nothing out of the ordinary; a semi-detached with one car on the drive, a white garage and a matching front door, it was all pretty benign.   
He approached the door slowly, still not knowing exactly what he was going to say, but knowing now he was here, there was no going back, he needed to know more about the man Gary was sharing a bed with, and an ex-lover was frankly the best place to start.

A tall dark-haired guy answered the door, and it took all of five seconds before the guy standing before him recognised there was a popstar standing on his doorstep. Robbie watched with the usual inward humour as the guy look at him curiously, before a look of recognition dawned on his face that quickly went from shock to disbelief to almost embarrassed shock, and then if it had been a woman it would usually turn to flustered happiness, but this guy just looked downright confused, “why is Robbie Williams on my doorstep?!” he asked, looking around behind Robbie for a camera.   
“Erm…Josh Jenkins?” Robbie quietly asked, while hitching up the neck collar of his jacket, wanting to ensure no one else would recognise him.  
“No, I’m Mick, Josh is my partner. Has he won a competition or something?” Mick pleasantly asked, the shock and disbelief still evident on his face.   
“Er…no, afraid not…well, not that I know of”, Robbie added with a soft chuckle, “I just wanted a quick chat with him about a shared acquaintance, if that’s alright – is he here?”  
“Hang on”, and with that Mick left, and unexpectedly closed the door on Robbie, although he could still hear voices somewhere behind it.  
The voices became louder on approach and when the door was finally opened once more, it was to reveal a good-looking, fair-haired well-groomed shorter man with glasses and a 5 o’clock shadow, “oh my god – you weren’t kidding!” the man said, but Robbie could tell he wasn’t talking to him. Sure enough Mick reappeared behind Josh, “See told you! _The_ Robbie Williams, at our front door! I need to get the camera!” Mick exclaimed.

Slightly panicked, Robbie whipped his head around to check the street was still clear, “please, it’s best I’m not seen otherwise you’ll get a load of women trudging up your front lawn, are you Josh?” Robbie spoke with a hushed voice. Josh looked at him curiously, “yes, what can I do for you?”  
“I wanted to ask you about an ex-partner of yours, Lucas Harris-Turner”.  
“Partner?!” Mick butted in, “that guy you used to work with at the old studio?” he asked rhetorically, looking at Josh for confirmation, “they worked together, but they weren’t business partners”, Mick directed at Robbie.   
Robbie exhaled slowly, feeling awkward, “No, I…er, look I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I meant partner as in rom–”   
“Look I only worked with the guy, and that was ages ago now, sorry I can’t help you but honestly, I hardly knew the guy”. Josh hurriedly said, shutting Robbie down rather dismissively.   
“But…” Robbie started, but stopped himself. It was no good, even if Josh did know something it looked like he was going to remain tight-lipped. Robbie sighed before he apologised and sharply made his exit before Mick could ask for a photo which would be very hard to explain should Lucas find out.

With his collar hitched up once more, Robbie made his way back down the street, frustrated and disappointed. He’d have to contact the private detective again, and try another angle since it seemed he’d met a dead end here.   
Or so he thought.  
Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He spun around and was surprised to find a flushed Josh Jenkins breathing a little heavily as if he’d just run to catch him up.   
He had.  
“S...sorry, to be so rude back there, what made it even worse was knowing I was lying to a celeb! But see, I couldn’t say anything, not with Mick standing there – in fact he thinks I’ve just caught you up to get a selfie!” Josh timidly explained, still catching his breath.  
“Why did you lie? Doesn’t he know about you and Lucas?!” Robbie asked impatiently.  
“No, and I’m more than a little mortified, to find out you know about me and Lucas, in fact I damn-right near shat myself when you mentioned his name! Did Lucas tell you, about me and him?” Josh asked with an alarmed but stern look, “I mean I read in newspaper about him and Gary Barlow, but I don’t get how you’d know-”  
“Look, I do – that’s is all you need to know and I won’t tell anyone else, but him now being with Gary IS precisely the reason why I’ve come looking for you – I need answers!” Robbie bluntly said.  
“I get that – I mean, I think I know why,” Josh sheepishly replied, “but you have to understand no one and I mean especially Mick, can find out that me and Lucas ever existed!”  
“Like I said, they won’t, at least not from me”, Robbie told him, “just please, I need your help, I need to know more about Lucas. Look, I’ll level with you, I hate that guy, and not because he’s with Gary, well, not _just_ because of that; there’s just something not right about him and I’m worried for Gary!” Robbie beseeched, with pleading eyes.  
Josh looked down, unable to meet Robbie’s eyes. He sighed sadly, “You should be”.

Robbie's worst fears were realised, validated and yet he felt no triumph. Still on an open street, Josh led him somewhere a bit more private before he proceeded to tell Robbie about his affair with Lucas, “I didn’t mean it to happen, but me and Mick were going through a rocky patch, and Lucas was just so charming and charismatic, it was seductive…HE was seductive. But he soon turned obsessive about me, and so controlling too; he got me into bed, and then he wouldn’t leave me alone. For a while, and I’m not ashamed to admit it but I actually enjoyed it, I revelled in the attention; the feeling of knowing he wanted me so badly – I mean, having someone obsessed with me was pretty flattering, it did wonders for my ego at first but only for a short while …as I quickly began to see the ‘darkness’ in it all. He got more and more controlling till I didn’t even know who I was without him telling me, he just had this way about him, I felt like I was always in the wrong, always apologising, always trying to keep him happy, never wanting him to be angry with me, and all the while I was so worried about Mick finding out - and he used that against me!”   
“How did he use it against you?” Robbie asked, unnerved.  
“He used it to get me into bed, every time I thought we were done, every time I thought I'd got rid of him, he’d show up and I’d have no choice but to bend to his will, just to keep the truth from coming out”, Josh said, his voice full of self-hate. He shook his head and visibly shuddered as he recalled the horrid memories.  
“How did he treat you?” Robbie asked, already disliking how familiar it was sounding to Gary’s emails.  
“Fine for the most part, he saw me as his boyfriend, and would pretty much worship me when he felt like it, it was actually nice when he was in a good mood, and I played into it a bit too much, it was just a relief when he was in a good mood, you see”.  
“But what about when he was in a bad mood?” Robbie unnervingly asked Josh.  
Josh took a moment and raked a hand through his hair, before he sighed heavily, “Frankly, and I don’t want this to sound like he was some sort of monster, he was charismatic but it was masking his dark side, and at times that side of him scared me. He never hurt me, but I always had the distinct feeling it was all leading somewhere dangerous. He just had such a tight grip on me, and he didn’t like to let go, in fact he refused to!”  
Confused, Robbie frowned, “So how come you got away?” he asked, “I mean, you said he didn’t like to let go, but he obviously did, eventually!”   
Josh paused once more, perhaps thinking about his next words, “He got bored with me – it was as simple as that, and I was so grateful for it that I didn't wait around to ask questions. See, I could tell he’d already set his eyes on someone else anyway, it was after the studio we worked at, had closed and we saw less of each other as he suddenly became distant and standoffish. Then he just told me one day it was over between us, that we’d had fun but he was done”, Josh said, “I was just so thankful to just get out of such a destructive forced ‘relationship’ that I didn’t care. I was relieved it was over. It was a mistake, a horrible mistake and it had threatened everything I held dear - I was glad to have gotten away, scot-free, or near enough”.   
“Do you know who it was that caught his eye?” Robbie asked, but already suspecting the answer, the timing made sense after all.  
“….I didn’t…but reading the papers and seeing you here, I do now.” Josh simply said with a look of pity.  
Robbie exhaled slowly, before nodding his head, “Yeah. But I know Gary doesn’t even want to be with him”.  
“Well, neither did I”, Josh commented, “yet somehow he clawed his way in, and made it just about impossible to get away from him. I just feel lucky that he got bored of me, and forever thankful it has somehow managed not to ruin my relationship with Mick”.  
Robbie nodded, but that didn’t help his situation right now.  
“Look I’m sorry”, Josh said, interrupting Robbie’s thoughts, “But I’ve got to go, or Mick will ask questions. It was nice to meet you, although I wish it’d been under better circumstances, I’ve always been a fan of you guys…so… just remember what I said – and if you still love Gary as I suspect you do, then I pray you get Lucas out of his life, because if Lucas is like how he was with me, then Gary is going to need your help.” 

Robbie felt a chill strike his heart, and he couldn’t tell if it was in response to the ominous tone to Josh’s voice, or the unsaid meaning behind his words.  
“Is Gary in danger?” Robbie bluntly asked, afraid of the answer, yet already knowing the truth.  
Josh met his eyes at once, with strong resolved look, “All I can say is, there is something not right with that man”, he sternly warned, “Yes - he’s controlling and domineering, but it’s his obsession you’ve got to worry about. There were times I was worried he would eventually do something, either to me or someone I loved, because he was just so obsessed he couldn’t see sense".  
Robbie nodded, and Josh made his retreat: slowly backing away from Robbie to return home, but not without leaving one last warning, "...Like I said, I’m lucky he got bored with me – my advice to you, get Gary away from him, because he might not be so lucky”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave it there for now ;) ...but lots more to come soon! Also sorry for the delay again, it’s been a busy few weeks, but I aim for the next chapter to be up next weekend as usual. In the next chapter, having heard what Josh had to divulge about Lucas, Robbie knows he needs to do something, but will anybody listen to him?   
> Thank you so much for your patience and comments. It’s much appreciated – much love  xx


	29. Teach Your Heart to Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now in the know about Lucas’ dark qualities, Robbie needs to act.   
> Author note: This chapter was taking so much time, and wasn’t actually finished but after the hideous tour presale yesterday I decided to put it up early as a smaller chapter, to cheer us up! Enjoy, and good luck to those trying for tickets tomorrow! xx #WonderlandLive2017 (see end for further A/N)

## Teach Your Heart to Feel

_Hey Gaz_   
_Hope you’re doing ok, I know you probably won’t answer this – and that’s ok because I think I know why, but if you see this then please meet me at ‘our’ old special meeting place, tomorrow at 4pm. I will be there for an hour at this time on the off chance you can make it. Please try to come, you can tell Lucas you’re popping over to see Mark, I’ve set it up so that if Lucas decides to check up on you, and calls him, Mark will confirm your story. I know it might not be easy for you but please try – I really do need to talk to you._   
_And I really would like to see you._   
_Rob xx_

Robbie reread back through the email; there was so much else he wanted to write, but he would save that for when he saw Gary…if he saw Gary. He hoped Gary would see this, and more than that - Robbie hoped his beautiful man would make it.

He finally clicked send and sighed, as he fell back into his overgrown desk chair. He let it gently rotate of its own accord, so that he could simply sit back and watch the room slowly spin around him, as he contemplated everything that had happened since he had met Josh Jenkins…

His first call after the encounter with Lucas’ ex, had been to Mark. Robbie met him over coffee this next day and had divulged the whole conversation. Yet, frustratingly, he was still met with some scepticism from Mark.  
“It’s not that I don’t believe you, or this Josh – but you have to surely realise it’s not as simple as that”, Mark had told him, “I mean, what exactly are you going to say to Gary, ‘Oh Gaz, by the way, I know this may make me sound like a raging stalking EX-boyfriend but just to let you know, I got a private detective to investigate the man you’re sleeping with. Oh, and you're going to find this so funny and completely believable but I also spoke to his ex-boyfriend and surprise, surprise, he said to leave him!’ ….I mean, Rob – that’s not going to play out well, is it?” Mark said matter-of-factly.   
Robbie rolled his eyes at Mark's mocking, “Well, when you say it like that…yes, it doesn’t sound great but Mark, I HAVE to do something. I can’t just sit on this – what if, god forbid, something does happen. I can’t live with that, and most of all, I need Gary to be safe, even if he hates me for it. I know you think me selfish sometimes, and I am, but this isn’t about me, I promise you.” Robbie told him, unabashed and incredibly determined.  
Mark opened his mouth to respond but then closed it without saying a word, and instead seemed to quietly ponder Robbie for a moment.   
“Actually", Mark eventually spoke, "I was about to say, that’s the most unselfish thing I’ve heard you say”, Mark told him earnestly, “I mean, you know I love you Rob, but sometimes you can be a bit selfish, particularly when it comes to what you need from others to keep you stable and happy, it can be very-one-way usually…but honestly, it sounds like you’re now growing up at last!”

Robbie’s eyes scowled slightly, unsure of how to take that back-handed compliment, but he shrugged it off; “Well, completely ignoring the insult AND the patronising tone, thanks little buddy! – now will you help me?” he furtively asked.  
“What do you need me to do?” Mark frowned with confusion.  
“Quite simply - to be a ruse!”  
“Huh?”  
***********************************************************************************

 

It wasn’t much to look at, and it was certainly far from comfortable, in fact inside it was down-right freezing! But it would do, it always had before. Robbie looked around the abandoned band space that had often used for rehearsing choreography for Take That tours in the past. But to him and Gary it held different memories altogether. When they had first started out seeing each other, this was _their_ private meeting place. 

After a series of stolen kisses and a mountain of meaningful looks shared between them, Robbie had unashamedly pursued Gary, wanting answers; no longer satisfied with the status quo, needing more than just spending their lives 'dancing’ around the subject of _them_.   
It had taken a long time, but one day Gary eventually conceded and asked Robbie to join him at this place, and although they first shared a few cross words (notably Gary accusing Robbie of forcing him into something he was not ready to do, and Robbie being passionately adamant Gary wasn’t being fair to either of them by holding back), it was there in that dingy cold band space that they finally confessed their true feelings for each other.

Robbie smiled at the memories evoked by his surroundings, particularly when his eyes fell on to an old dusty sofa in one corner. That sunken worn sofa with a duty throw draped on top. An onslaught of pleasurable memories around that sofa bombarded his mind - it had certainly seen a lot of action, particularly when they had began meeting here in secret more and more, hiding their affair from the entire world. If only Robbie had known at the time where it would all lead, he would’ve cherished those moments more, he suddenly thought to himself.   
Still contemplating those memories, he shook his head, disturbing his own blissful reverie, _‘No – it was the lazy mornings in bed together, and the comfy nights in, full of cuddles that I should’ve cherished – not just some horny rampant groping on a sofa, you idiot!’_ he inwardly rebuked himself.   
He tore his eyes away from the sofa and the images it conjoined, and looked up at the clock on the wall. It was 4.05pm, and already Robbie was beginning to lose faith – Gary was never late for anything!

It was 4.14pm when he heard a noise. He looked around him and sure enough to absolute relief, he found Gary carefully peering around the door. Robbie smiled, but his relief sudden churned into nervousness – he still hadn’t properly decided how he was going to say it, he just hoped Gary wouldn’t be immediately dismissive.

“Hey – you showed!” Robbie called jubilantly, ignoring the bristle of nervous tension brushing just beneath his skin.   
“Of course", Gary smiled, "I couldn’t leave you just waiting here, could I?” he said casually, although the smile was only slight. He didn’t look angry, he looked worried, if anything.  
“Thanks for coming – I wasn’t sure if you’d see the email or not”.  
“I saw it, I saw them all Rob – I’m just sorry I couldn’t reply.” Gary dropped his head, and Robbie instantly felt his heart ache.  
“It’s ok, I understand”.  
“No, it’s not Rob!” Gary said as he lifted his head to reveal pleading eyes, “I know I owe you an explanation, I need to explain…please just let me explain” Gary implored, his voice becoming jittery and strained. It had Robbie confused and concerned, “Hey, hey, calm down, its ok – don’t worry about it, I get it” – Robbie whispered as he drew closer to Gary’s defeated form. Putting a hand gently on the shorter man’s shoulder, “I know it’s not because you didn’t want to, _he_ didn’t want you to, right?” he asked Gary carefully.  
Gary shuffled uncomfortably, “It’s just difficult. He can be difficult –”.  
“Difficult?! - that’s putting it mildly! He threatened me to stay away from you, and I’m guessing he used the same thing on you! - you didn’t reply because he told you not to, ‘or else’, right?” Robbie asked him.  
Gary surveyed Robbie a moment. “…but I’m here now,” he quietly offered in response. Being greeted with only raised eyebrows and overly dissatisfied look on Robbie’s face, however, Gary felt his face drop once more; Robbie deserved more, “he feels threatened by you….and with good reason” Gary added sheepishly.  
“Good reason?” Robbie’s eyes lit up with renewed hope, but Gary didn’t see them - he still cast his eyes down towards the floor, as if in shame, not daring to look Robbie in the eyes .  
“He knows I… I mean, he can see…” Gary offered, keeping his voice muffled and quiet -  
“He can see what?” Robbie pushed him on, with one hand still on Gary’s shoulder, he brought his other free hand to rest beneath Gary’s whiskery chin, gently lifting it until Gary’s eyes met his own.  
Gary sighed, “He can see what you still mean to me…and he doesn’t like it”.

Robbie only let the smallest of smiles creep over his lips, he didn’t want to look like he was gloating, even though Gary’s small amount of words were everything he’d wanted to hear, everything he’d hoped for.  
“What do you mean?” Robbie dared…  
“He found out about the emails, he didn’t like the fact we were still in contact – I tried to tell him it was just about the dogs but he said with the dogs at yours now, there was no reason to reply to you, unless I wanted to cause you trouble”, Gary briskly told him.  
Robbie had actually wanted Gary to clarify what he had mean by the ‘what you still mean to me’ part, but he couldn’t press him on that, not right now, and especially not with Gary’s last words still ringing in his ears. Lucas’ controlling nature on full view, had Robbie instantly on edge but he just still didn’t understand why Gary let him…  
Gary looked at him quizzically, “I know what you’re thinking – why am I still with him? Well, I can honestly say I don’t want to be anywhere near him, I just don’t know how to get rid of him, and I know that sounds ridiculous and I can’t even explain why exactly…” he said pitifully, “I just know he doesn’t want to go anywhere! I’ve made it so blatantly obvious I don’t want him there and still he won’t take the hint, or he’s ignoring it - but I just can’t get rid of him!” Gary paused as he sighed dejectedly, “…though I know I don’t then help things by giving into him all the time, but it’s just the easiest way of keeping him from being angry with me. It just feels best not to rock the boat with him…and before you ask why, I don’t really know why, I just -” 

“I do” Robbie gently interrupted.

Gary looked at him a little bewilderedly, before a frown set in, too haste in guessing a meaning behind Robbie's words, “I’m NOT weak, Rob!” he yelled.  
“No, no, I wasn’t going to say that” Robbie put up his hands in defence, not wanting to start another fight with Gary, “I know you’re not weak Gaz, I honestly do – in fact it’s nothing to do with you, it’s actually all to do with him”.  
Still frowning slightly, Gary furrowed his brows further, “I don’t understand?”  
Robbie nodded and took a deep breath, it was confession time! He just hoped Gary wouldn’t turn on him for interfering, and going behind his back...

“Don’t hate me” he pleaded with the shorter man, “but after Lucas cornered me the other day, I decided to find out a bit more about him, so I found his ex-boyfriend, well…. ‘ex-lover’ - they weren’t really together from what I could tell.”  
“You mean the ‘Ex’ that cheated on him?” Gary asked casually, although the word ‘cheated’ made Robbie inwardly wince. Lucas had obviously spun a Gary a story, and Robbie needed to set him straight.  
“Cheated?!” Robbie snorted, “No, they were having an affair, and Lucas wasn’t cheated on by him, BELIEVE me – is that what he told you?”  
“Well, yeah – he said he understood what I was going throu –“, Gary stopped himself, not wanting to rake up the past, “…er, well, what did _this_ guy say about him?” he asked Robbie, genuinely interested.

Relieved that Gary didn’t seem to be angry about it, Robbie proceeded to relay what Josh had told him about Lucas; the possessiveness, the obsessiveness, and of course his controlling nature. And in all honesty, Gary’s response was not as Robbie had predicted…  
Although he had left out the part of the private detective, Robbie still had expected Gary to be angry at him for interfering, and to all but dismiss Robbie’s concerns. Instead he got a brooding look from Gary, a dark ashamed look that took over Gary’s features; there was no denial to be heard, no headstrong defensive remarks, no stubbornness, only inward quiet, pensive thought. Robbie didn't like it.

A train passed somewhere nearby, the sound carrying into the large empty room, and yet between them silence settled – and it worried the hell out of Robbie.  
The fact that Gary didn’t even deny Robbie’s concerns or what he had uncovered about Lucas, only highlighted that unsettling unspoken question that now sat there between them. While, Gary continued to dwell on his own thoughts, the silence in the room slowly but tightly laced itself around them, almost stiflingly, and Robbie for one, couldn’t take it any longer – there was something still unsaid, that he just had to know –   
“Gary, I’m sorry but I really need to ask”, Robbie began gently, finally breaking the silence, “He hasn’t…erm…see, his Ex hinted that Lucas could be aggressive and he was afraid of where that could lead...physically. Do you understand what I mean?”  
Gary shook his head and looked confused, causing Robbie to shift on his feet, awkwardly. Gary wasn’t making this easy, but Robbie really needed to know the truth, and would settle for nothing less.  
“He hasn’t hurt you, has he?” Robbie finally asked, carefully.  
The question was met with a pause of silence as Robbie let the question sunk in. Gary began to process it’s meaning, when a mortified look surfaced on his face, and Robbie could saw it was a good sign, or so he thought.  
“No, no! He hasn’t!” Gary said defensively.  
Instantly relieved, Robbie began to feel the tension in his shoulders be slowly released, as the weight of worry began to be lifted. A small relieved sigh had already escaped his lips but still he needed to be sure; “So you understand what I’m saying; he hasn’t hit you, or pushed you around? He hasn’t been forceful in any ‘other’ way?” Robbie asked, needing the clarification.  
Gary paused for a split second, “No”, he then replied. 

Robbie stopped and starred at him, sensing something not quite right, “Are you sure?” he ventured.  
“Yes”.  
The tension began to creep back into Robbie’s shoulders, as a frown set on his face, something was definitely not right. “I mean literally anything", he pressed on, "ANY aggressive behaviour towards you…”  
“I said no -”  
Robbie didn’t believe him. 

He knew Gary could be headstrong and definitely as stubborn as himself, so he also knew Gary, the ‘compartmentaliser’; would put on a strong façade and keep it to himself, like he always did. Unless he was pushed over the edge.   
Gary just needed a gentle ‘pushing’...  
So unconvinced, Robbie ‘pushed’ on, “No matter whether he was in a bad mood with you, or angry at something you did, or whether he said it was an accident… are you absolutely sure?”  
There was that pause again, it was not a good sign.  
“I…I said no, didn’t I?!”  
“I don’t believe you!”  
“I don’t care – it’s the truth!” 

The gentle ‘pushing’ wasn’t working.

Robbie frowned, “It isn’t the truth though is it, Gaz?! I can see it in your eyes! He’s hit you hasn’t he?!”  
“NO!”  
“Well, he’s definitely done something, I know you - I can tell! ...Di...did he force himself on you?!”  
“WHAT?!” Gary looked horrified.  
“Did he hurt you?! Grab you? Was he rough with you? Shove you?!”  
“I…I….no, please Robbie, just…just drop it, please!” In a small voice, Gary beseeched Robbie to stop digging, but Robbie shook his head defiantly,  
“How can I?! I know he’s done something otherwise you wouldn’t be so cagey, plus you’re doing that thing with your mouth – you only do that when you’re nervous!” Robbie barked, losing his patience, “So just tell me the truth and I promise I won’t press any further, but until you come clean –”  
“OK! Fine!” Gary roared, finally defeated, but then followed that with only silence. Robbie tutted with frustration and was about to push Gary on, when Gary finally spoke, “OK, yes he's a little aggressive", he told him, "but only sometimes” he quickly added in reply to Robbie’s raised brows. He signed and took a deep breath, “he’d sometimes grab me roughly in frustration or anger, but it was only VERY rarely, I promise”.  
“What else?” Robbie demanded.  
“Nothing else! ....much. I mean, he might’ve accidently shoved me on one or two occasions but that’s it…and I know what you’re going to say, but it WAS an accident”, Gary said quickly and quietly.  
“Yeah right!” Robbie scoffed.  
Gary dismissed Robbie’s jeer, “I was trying to help him with a cut, but he’d had a lot to drink he clumsily shoved me away, but didn’t realise it was a little too forcibly. I fell, but it was nothing.”  
Robbie narrowed his eyes with suspicion, “Did he tell you it was an accident? Did he apologise? Did he say it’d never happen again?”

Gary felt uneasy with Robbie’s line of questioning. The memories of that evening flooded his mind, and he remembered how Lucas had insisted _he_ repeat back to him that he knew it was an accident, after Lucas said Gary had been sulking about it (which he hadn’t at all).  
Burying the memories and uneasiness deep down, Gary cleared his dry throat, “It was an accident, and in fact it was my fault, I should’ve –”  
“Oh my god! Could you sound anymore like a battered housewife?” Robbie mocked.  
“Excuse me?!” Gary was in disbelief.  
“You’re making excuses for him Gary, I bet you even apologised to him when it happened!”  
“I did not!...I don’t think I did -”  
Robbie laughed harshly, “you don’t think?!”   
He didn’t mean to sound so harsh, he just couldn’t believe how much work Lucas had already done on Gary. Robbie didn’t know much about domestic abuse, only what he’d seen in soap operas but from what he had already heard, Lucas was sounding more and more like an abusive partner, and it scared the hell out of him. He'd allowed Lucas to get with Gary - so as far as Robbie was concerned, this was all on him.

“Look, you wanted the truth, well, now you’ve got it”, Gary said briskly, interrupting Robbie's thoughts, “So can we just stop it now, Rob”. Gary could hear how embarrassingly feeble he sounded – making excuses for Lucas like that. It made him ashamed although he explain why.  
Robbie gently nodded, conceding. But then something popped into his mind…  
“Wait – you said, one or TWO occasions, when exactly else did he ‘accidently’ _shove_ you?”

Gary’s body language instantly changed; he crossed his arms and shifted his eye line away from Robbie’s gaze. “It doesn’t matter”, he simply responded.  
“Eh…I beg to differ! It does matter because you’re obviously trying to hide it!” Robbie countered, determined to uncover the whole truth.   
Gary however, gestured with a wave of a dismissive hand, that he really didn’t want to talk about it any more.   
Robbie was not having it, it was now his turn to fold his arms, in frustration. 

Gary steely remained dismissive, “it honestly doesn’t matter. It was nothing and I’ve had enough of talking about it if you don’t mind,” he told him, “besides, it won’t help”.  
“But it will help me!” Robbie implored, "you don’t understand how much I’ve worried - the thoughts that have been running in my mind…allsorts! – I need to know, Gary!”  
“Then it definitely won’t help” Gary tried.  
“I want to know, Gary!”  
“I promise you, you don’t”  
“Why not?!”  
“It’s just best you don’t, so please just stop pushing now!” Gary practically begged, he really didn’t want to say.  
“Please just tell me”  
“Rob, please –”   
“No Gaz, I told you I won’t rest until I know, so why not tell me?”  
Gary shook his head with his face in his hands.  
“Gaz...GAZ!"  
“Because it was you!” Gary suddenly blurted out, the sound vibrating through the hands in front of his face.  
“What?!” Robbie gasped, confused.

Gary removed the hands, and looked up at Robbie with narrowed accusatory eyes, “You had to tell him we were talking, didn’t you?! AND you told him how I felt about him too – how did you think he was going to take it?! How did you think that was going to end for me?!” Gary yelled, his face now flushed in anger and upset.  
Immediately wounded by the words, Robbie took a step back, “What happened?!” he warily asked. He knew all too well what Gary referred to; Robbie knew he had said too much to Lucas during their heated confrontation at the Manager's office. He had shared too much, had gloated in the one-upmanship. He knew all too late the trouble he had caused Gary by letting the words spill from him. He felt sick with himself.

“He was furious we were talking to one another, he went completely ballistic!” Gary told him, “I tried to explain but he was manic. He said I was making him look like an idiot, playing him for a fool! I said it was a mistake, it was just once, but he called me a liar". Gary paused then continued quietly, "he grabbed me hard by the back of my neck and pinned me down. He held my head against the table so hard, that I ended up with a mark on my neck and cheek”, Gary’s voice was meek as if he felt ashamed, “I couldn’t leave the house for a week, just so I could avoid the questions! But the worst part, the absolute worst part was he threatened YOU, Rob! I felt sick to the stomach as soon as he whispered the menacing words in my ear; telling me exactly what he’d do if he found out I was still emailing you! He basically told me if I didn’t stop communicating with you, he’d come after you.”  
“Oh Gaz….”   
“Is that what you wanted to know? Does that make you feel better?” Gary challenged as he looked up at Robbie with red-rimmed eyes.  
Robbie matched them with his sympathetic ones, full of sorrow and apology, “No, of course it doesn’t, Gary…but-”  
“Now you know why I didn’t want to tell you!” Gary interjected.  
“And I get that, but however uncomfortable you think it is, please understand I needed to know the truth.” Robbie spoke in all seriousness, “And for what it’s worth, I’m so sorry, Gaz. That time when Lucas cornered me, I let my mouth shoot off as per usual but instead of landing me in trouble, trouble found you instead”, he said remorsefully as he bowed his head in shame, “– I just wanted to wipe that smarmy look off his face for once, but the last thing I’d ever wanted to do was cause more problems for you – you have to believe me”.  
“I do, Robbie” Gary said softly, as he looked at Robbie with now calm eyes.  
“I just want to protect you”, Robbie whispered quietly.  
Gary smiled, “It’s ok honestly, besides that perpetual smarmy look he has on his face is partly my fault, so I can‘t blame you for wanting to wipe it off his face – and don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s not your job to protect me”, he smiled sadly.

Robbie furrowed his brows and stepped closer to Gary once more. He placed a supporting hand on each of the smaller man’s upper arms, “It will always be my job to protect you”, Robbie told him carefully, “whether I’m your boyfriend or not, I will be there for you”. He swallowed hard, knowing he had to say it before he lost the nerve, “….Gary, you have to know, you are the love of my life! There is literally no one I hold dearer in this world, and for whom I would fight to protect, at all costs!”

Gary was Gobsmacked. He has not expected those words, but nonetheless he looked at Robbie questionably, “What – even now, after all this trouble?” he asked warily.  
Robbie smiled at Gary’s stunned features, and without a moment’s hesitation he breathed, “Always!”

Gary was transfixed in shock, in awe. All the while Robbie held his gaze, his hands still on Gary’s arms, gently rubbing his firm sculptured biceps.  
Silence rested between them.

As the shock of the revelation faded, Gary's eyes sought to keep Robbie's gaze. He starred into them so intensively, that Robbie felt like Gary could see through his skin and was scanning his very soul for the truth.   
Robbie watched in wonder as both uncertainty and equal need, collided in Gary’s eyes, filling them with an unfamiliar darkness. It was only fleeting however, and the darkness simply and unequivocally drifted away, like storm clouds after the rain. Still with a look of intent, Gary’s eyes glistened and softened as they smiled at Robbie in such a way that Robbie suddenly knew everything was finally going to be alright. The bond, that connection they had had; it was still all there, and now it shone like a flashing beacon between, drawing them in, allowing them to find each other, and the truth in one another, again. 

Robbie knew it was now or never, he couldn’t let the moment pass again, and yet, as Gary still beheld Robbie’s eyes, it was _he_ who made the final leap. All at once, Gary reached up and ensnared Robbie’s lips with his own. Though surprised, Robbie was more than welcoming, and immediately responded, passionately. As he felt Gary’s soft warm kiss caress his lips, he immediately wanted more – the familiar taste, that familiar feel, it was like finally coming home.   
He pulled Gary closer, wanting to feel it all, and so much more.   
As the kiss intensified, it pulled them together, deeper into the tightest of embraces, and Robbie couldn’t help but let a tiny smile break into their magical kiss. Robbie just couldn’t help it, he was so happy.   
Never wanting to be apart again, Robbie continued to hungrily kiss the man he had longed to be reunited with, for so long; and it was with a very thankful heart, that he guessed that whatever Gary had been scanning his soul for, Gary had finally found. And for that, Robbie felt in very moment, that he couldn’t have been any happier if he tried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think that’s the end – you are wrong, as there's still more to come - a lot more! ;) But I hope this chapter may’ve made you cc fans happy - thank you for reading, and always for your lovely comments. Next chapter: Gary and Robbie struggle to keep their reunion secret!


	30. Let it All Begin (again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie and Gary are back together, but no one else knows. How long can they keep it a secret, and will Gary finally shift Lucas out of his life? (Be warned, this chapter has very steamy smut/adult content). Sorry for the wait - see end for A/N.

## Let it All Begin (again)

Robbie wakes up with Gary in his arms, and suddenly a massive smile spreads over his face. He is definitely the ‘cat that got the cream’ this morning; true, they didn’t have sex; but they had kissed, and cuddled and chatted for hours, until they fell asleep in each other’s arms, clothes still very much in tack. They spent the whole night curled up together on that dusty old sofa in their secret meeting place. It was actually freezing in there that morning; the air was so startling cold, Robbie could see his breath, but he didn’t care because his heart was warm, and with Gary curled up against his chest, he couldn’t care about his cold nose. He stayed there, not moving, not daring to wake Gary up; he wanted to live in the moment forever. He wanted to cherish the feeling of Gary’s body, entwined with his own, Robbie felt secure and was intent in ensuring Gary did too, secretly hoping Gary would stay asleep a little longer, so that Robbie could just enjoy this part, cherish it….just in case. Because secretly, he was worried of Gary waking up and taking it all back, taking this all away from him, and leaving again. In fact Robbie was petrified of that, and so instead he stayed still, feeling Gary’s warmth, listening to Gary’s soft snores as the smaller man slept on, unaware of the current turmoil consuming Robbie’s heart.

It was nearly a whole hour before Gary awoke. He simply stirred for a while, stretching and yawning, before he finally opened his eyes to find Robbie smiling back at him, full of hope, disguising the fear he felt in his heart. For a moment confusion fell over Gary’s face, and Robbie took in a sharp intake of breath, as he mentally prepared himself for the worst…   
Still a little dazed, Gary looked at Robbie and time stopped, then suddenly as if his memory was rebooted, he smiled widely and leaned forward for a kiss. Robbie was more than ready to catch that kiss and pulled Gary closer to him, ensnaring him in his arms, kissing him all over, in sheer relief and happiness. He was at perfect peace…well, he _was_ until Gary pulled gently away and sadly told Robbie, that he had better head back home. Feeling his heart drop, Robbie playfully shook his head and refused to let Gary go. Frankly, Gary didn’t want to leave their little happy warm bubble either, and so neither began to make a move. But reality was nipping at their toes, and as soon as Gary looked at his watch, he sighed and detangled himself from Robbie, standing up, he straightened his clothes.   
Staying on the sofa, Robbie could only look on; his head hitched up, resting on one arm, as he surveyed Gary with hungry eyes and watched him as Gary tucked in his shirt, before pulling the dark green hoodie back over his waist line.   
“What are we going to do, Gaz? I mean - what happens now?” Robbie quietly asked, a slight tinge of apprehension more than evident in his voice. Gary looked at him, and smiled, “I’ll break it off with Lucas for good, then it’ll be a proper fresh start for us, Rob. I mean it, I really want a new start for us,” he told Robbie earnestly.  
Robbie grinned widely, “Nothing would make me happier, Mr Barlow! Nothing in this whole world could make me happier than that – it’s all I want!” he continued to beam. Hearing those words come from Gary, after everything they had been through; the lies and betrayal, the heart ache, the hurt, the arguments, and all the lost time – a fresh start with Gary was all he had ever hoped for, he literally wanted to cry with joy.  
Gary beamed back at him, with a smile that shone like he had little rainbows in his eyes - Robbie had always loved that gorgeous smile.  
“There’s just one thing”, Gary said (and Robbie suddenly felt his pulse in his throat), “I think until I’ve sorted the situation with Lucas, we might need to keep this all a secret, is that ok?” he carefully asked, worried how Robbie would take keeping their reunion a secret from everyone.  
But he needn’t have worried, and neither should’ve Robbie. Robbie was more than willing to keep it a secret for a while. But Robbie knew he needed something from Gary, just as Gary would need something from him - they were both a little scared, Robbie could feel it in his heart, and he saw it in Gary’s eyes; they needed to find their ‘groove’ again, they needed to get to know each other again. Things that had been so natural before, were still a little uncertain, they just needed time to get to know each other again.  
“I just want access Gaz, some time together, you know - proper time to _‘be’_ with each other properly”, Robbie said frankly.   
Gary instantly knew the meaning behind the words, and he agreed - yes, they needed more time together to get to know each other; emotionally, but also physically – they needed to ‘be’ with each other, and by that they both knew they meant sex. They needed to make love, not because of their libidos (although they craved each other like crazy), but for the connection.  
“How about I come by yours tomorrow night? That’ll give me enough time to have spoken to Lucas”, Gary offered.  
“Sounds perfect!” Robbie grinned and got up from the sofa to give Gary a proper kiss goodbye, a kiss that would have to last them until the next night.

****************************************************************************

 

With his hair still dripping water from the shower, Robbie was dousing himself in aftershave before he checked out his appearance in the mirror. He had been wearing a cooling face mask for an hour, earlier on, and he was happy with the result. Call him vain, but he wanted to look good for Gary, particularly since Gary had the ability to look good no matter how tired or dishevelled he was, in fact he often looked hotter for it.

He had just finished getting dressed when the intercom for the front gate buzzed. It was Gary. Robbie buzzed him in and quickly ran a hand through his now dry hair, trying his best to fix it into a quiff. Then he ran down the stairs just in time to see the outline of a figure appear on the other side of the front door.  
Excited and nervous at the same time, knowing exactly where he wanted this night to go, he raced to the front door before the bell even rang.   
Although surprised by the door being all of a sudden whipped open, Gary beamed from ear to ear the moment he saw Robbie, that smile albeit was a little concealed however, by a mass of material around Gary’s neck.   
Robbie looked at him, confused. Gary was wearing a beany on his head, as well as a big leather jacket and a large scarf wrapped several times around his neck. The weather outside was far too mild for such attire, hence the confusion.  
“Gaz, why didn’t you just buzz through the gate? You know the code; and why are you dressed so – ”  
“I know, the scarf is a bit too much, but I’m in disguise, that’s why I didn’t want to just come right in, there could be reporters!” Gary told him.  
“But –”  
“I know I’m being paranoid, look just let me in before I’m seen!” Gary playfully huffed, as Robbie chuckled and let him in.  
Gary went in and the door was closed; and for a moment they just stood there in the hallway starring at each other. They felt like they were teens about to do _it_ for the first time. They both knew what they wanted, they both knew they REALLY wanted it, but they just didn’t know how to proceed.  
“I’ll put the kettle on” Robbie said as he held his hands out for Gary’s coat, scarf and hat.  
“Thanks, a brew would be perfect” Gary said rubbing his hands together, before he disrobed and handed Robbie his coat.  
“Why don’t you go find the dogs – I’ve put them in the back room tonight, they’ll go crazy when they see you! They’ve missed you like crazy!” Robbie brightly told him, and so Gary immediately went off in search of their dogs - he was dying to see them, he’d missed them a great deal too.

After he put the kettle on, and while Gary was busy with their dogs; Robbie went into the lounge to set things up, he wanted to create a ‘mood’ and so lowered the lights and put some background music on, and even though it wasn’t particularly cold, he turned the electric fire in the wall on, for flame effect. Glancing around, he was pleased with the result, and returned to the kitchen to make the tea.   
…  
“Gaz! The brew is ready!” Robbie called a little later, carrying two mugs of hot tea.  
“It’s alright, I’m in here already!” Gary called from the lounge, and sure enough he was now making himself comfortable on the sofa. Robbie smiled and sat down beside him, placing the two mugs on a small coffee table.   
“Can you believe we’re here, together?!” Gary asked rhetorically, his face smiling.  
“I’m so relieved for it. It’s taken so long…” Robbie said with a note of sadness for all the wasted time.  
“Well, that’s my fault – I’ve made some mistakes Rob, I know!” Gary started, but Robbie shook his head, “No, Gaz! I’m the one that made the biggest mistake, and then some!” Robbie insisted.  
“We both have Rob – I just want to put that behind us now. I don’t want to waste any more time being without you”, Gary told him with a serious look.  
“Well, that’s something we can both certainly agree on!” Robbie said with a grin. Gary smiled back and reached for a mug of tea. They sat there talking for well over an hour, all the while music quietly played on, and the light from the fake electric flames danced around the room. They were both comfortable with each other and the talk came easy, as it had always done. And yet, secretly, they both knew they were hungry for something else too…   
Every accidently brush of skin as they sat next to each other, every gentle knock of the knees, it was incredibly stimulating for them both. And it was quickly becoming overpowering, as their senses and reactions went into overdrive - Robbie could feel his member twitch just looking at Gary, he was that sex-starved! The final straw however, came when Robbie had innocently reached over to brush a bit of dog hair off Gary’s shoulder; Gary watched Robbie intently, their eyes locked in a deep intense look. They instinctively knew the time had finally arrived... 

With his hand still on Gary’s shoulder, and his cock twitching in his pants, Robbie moved forward and Gary did too, they moved in for the kiss together, and although the actual meeting of lips was a little haphazard, neither cared – they were both desperate for contact.  
Gary immediately fell into the kiss, feeling Robbie’s arms wrapping around him, as the taller man’s tongue pressed softly but urgently against the smaller man’s lips. Gary slowly parted them obligingly, beckoning Robbie’s busy warm tongue into his mouth. Robbie went to work, swirling his talented muscle inside Gary’s mouth, extracting more than the odd soft sensual murmur from Gary. Gary sat up to reach his hands up into Robbie’s hair, and pushed himself deeper into Robbie’s embrace, evidently needing more. The kiss was pleasurably intoxicating, but both knew they needed more than just that; they needed more contact, more stimulation, more pleasure.

Gary took the initiative and pushed things along, incredibly desperate for things to progress quickly. He reached up and pulled the light grey sweater up Robbie’s chest, his hands quickly crawling underneath to rub against the soft cotton t-shirt he found beneath it. Robbie’s cock twitched again as blood began to violently rush into it. Robbie momentarily broke the kiss, to pull his sweater off over his own head and at the same time took his t-shirt with it. Gary starred at Robbie’s now bare chest and smiled as he scanned it - taking an internal picture of the mass of dark chest hair, lightly concealing the numerous but incredibly familiar ink work beneath. He had certainly missed those two swallows. 

While Gary continued to stare, Robbie grew inpatient and so ravenously assaulted Gary’s neck with rough kisses, grazing the skin with his teeth and light whiskers. The sensation caused Gary to take a sharp intake of breath before releasing a long helpless groan. Al the while, Robbie had his hands on Gary’s shirt, and was undoing the buttons from bottom to top. Fiddling to get the very top buttons undone however, he huffed with frustration and drew his lips away from Gary’s neck momentarily to look at the buttons, “Why do you have to always button right up to the very top Gaz?!” he grumpily said as he struggled to undo the last top button; his frustration making him more desperate and horny.   
Gary smiled mischievously, “Well, why don’t you stop struggling, and I’ll undress for you” he said with a seductive wink. Robbie looked up like a dog who’s just seen a treat coming, “A private show? Fuck yeah! …but eh it better not be a strip ‘tease’, Gaz!” he said with a pointed look.  
“Oh no, don’t worry – there will definitely be sex afterwards!” Gary added with a knowing smile as he stood up from the sofa and slowly undid the last button on his shirt. He slowly opened the blue plaid shirt away from his chest and lifted it over his shoulders before letting it gracefully drop to the ground. The removal of the shirt exposed the tight white vest he was wearing underneath. Although Robbie wanted to see bare skin, he had to admit the way the clean white cotton material clung to the toned abdominal muscles below, was pure erotica, and in an instant he was completely sprung. He went to grab Gary, wanting his body immediately, but Gary grinned and jumped back, out of his grasp, “No, I’m not finished yet, cheeky!” he said slowly in a low growl.  
“Gaz, I’m rock hard already – I need you!” Robbie whimpered pitifully, already a slave to his own lust.  
Gary smiled, “you’ll have me in a minute, but you decide what goes next – the vest OR the jeans, only one will come off though so –”  
“THE JEANS, THE JEANS! FUCK NOW!! I beg you! Get ‘em off Barlow!” Robbie implored, by now so desperately swollen in the constraints of his own pants.   
Gary nodded and with a wink his hands went down to the buckle on his belt, and slowly he began to undo it. Robbie starred transfixed and practically drooling, as the belt came undone, and then the long fingers were on the zipper. Robbie swallowed drly as the zip was slowly pulled down, “FUCK GAZ!”  
“Soon, Rob, soon…” he said seductively low.  
He placed his gifted hands at his own waist and using only his thumbs he slipped the digits beneath the belt line and slowly pulled it down, over his firm peachy bum, before slightly wiggling the jeans down his legs. He stepped out of them and was about to place his fingers under the waist band of his CK briefs when Robbie suddenly grabbed him and unceremoniously yanked him down to join himself on the sofa, “No way mate – I get to do that part!” He growled in Gary’s ear. Robbie spun him around until Gary was underneath him, allowing Robbie to crawl on top of him, like a tiger looking for his meal. He purred in his ear, and pushed his now very swollen cock against the cotton clad stomach of the smaller man beneath. He heard Gary release a deep groan and so he did it again, “Oh Rob!”  
Hearing those words speared Robbie on, he moved his hands to Gary’s briefs sliding his tattooed fingers under them and with a final tug they slid easily down exposing Gary’s mass of public hair and causing his very swollen member to immediately sprung forward.   
Gary moaned softly with relief from the restraint.   
Robbie immediately sank down Gary’s body, past the white cotton that still clung to the chest, before arriving at that inviting mass of dark curly hair with a very full swollen cock aching for attention. It was like greeting an old friend. Gary immediately arched his back needing Robbie to make a move, willing him to take him in. Robbie watched it all with deep relish; it was beautiful, and he wanted to take it slow, to drink it all in and cherish every moment but he knew he wouldn’t last long once they got going. He needed Gary to be where he was too, and so he immediately took Gary’s hint and obliged... 

Sinking his welcoming mouth slowly down around the impressive girth, his lips tingled as he brushed past the sensitive skin of Gary’s hardened member. Robbie plunged his warm mouth straight down to the base of the cock, and it was a very full mouthful he got! The impressive length immediately tested Robbie’s gag reflex, and for a moment he struggled, but he pushed through and clasped the tight skin with his lips before he slowly pulled himself back off the erect length. Gary whimpered and called out to Robbie for more, and so Robbie obliged by sinking back down the thick length before sucking and lightly grazing his way back up it, right to the tip. As he encircled the delicate tip with his talented tongue, he immediately tasted the clear oozing pre-cum, and it was deliciously familiar. He wanted to take Gary in again, but watching Gary’s whole body shiver in desperation and stimulation, wordlessly told Robbie, Gary was close to the edge already. Robbie knew he needed to work fast, it seemed neither were going to last long tonight; making love was certainly not going to be a sensually slow affair, at least not tonight. They both simply needed this to abate their longing, to satisfy their lust, and as if to concrete ‘them’ back together – by having that intimacy, that final connection that bound them to each other in every way possible.

Robbie pulled his head away from Gary’s groin area and the now saliva-coated exposed erection. He proceeded to kiss down Gary’s bare legs, gently tugging on them, encouraging Gary to change position and sink down on to the floor beside the sofa. Robbie was already been on his knees from the quick blow job, but now as he sank further to the floor, Gary came with him, landing on top of him where they continued to kiss, and grope each other. The contact and wild friction ignited a static charge of arousal between their bodies.   
Robbie still had his trousers on, and his erection was now reaching painful proportions. He needed release urgently. With Gary on top of him, now taking control, Robbie saw his chance to free himself from the material prison and so yanked his joggers down, pulling the tight briefs with them. He moaned as he felt the cool air make contact with his exposed and incredibly engorged genitalia. 

No sooner had his own member sprung free, it finally met Gary’s. Both cocks slid up against one another’s like a pair of old friend’s meeting and embracing one another. Both men groaned, breathing fast, understanding what they wanted, and knowing they needed release from their sexual desire, with more and more urgency.  
Robbie acted first, and pulled Gary down closer to his own body before he spun both of them around to ensure he was back on top and had Gary wriggling and moaning beneath him.   
Gary could sense Robbie was looking to top, and although Gary really wanted to top too, he was happy for Robbie to have control. Besides Robbie had already pleasured him orally, and was admittedly more sex starved than he had technically been (albeit no recent sexual encounter with Lucas could be deemed as pleasurable). Gary wanted to give Robbie this, he wanted to give himself to Robbie.

The friction was becoming erotically unbearable; skin was sticky with sweat, and stiff cocks were fit to burst. Gary was preparing himself, with Robbie frankly using a pre-cum and saliva mix for lubricant, before Robbie began repositioning himself. 

On the floor in front on his sofa, Robbie finally reached around the man’s chest and pulled Gary’s back towards his own chest. Gary was now leaning on his knees - ready and waiting and so Robbie finally initiated. He pushed his hard member against Gary’s entrance, and what lubricant there was helped ease the passage past the ring of tight muscle, but the friction created, still made it raw and sore for both. Robbie pushed further into Gary, until his cock was surrounded by the hot feeling of Gary’s body; the sensation was intoxicatingly overwhelming. It speared Robbie on as he got the urgent need to pull out and do it all again, and again, and again - needing to experience that sensation over and over, becoming stronger and more intoxicating every time.   
Gary groaned with each push, gently pushing his backside out to meet Robbie. They were clumsy at first but quickly found a rhythm, and when they were both comfortable and numb to the rawness, Robbie begun to speed up.   
Even with Robbie panting heavily in Gary’s ears, the sound of deep grunting and the soft clapping of skin on skin filled the room. And still Robbie went harder and deeper, pounding into Gary with a little more roughness, a little more speed every time - faster and faster! Every fibre in his being was being stretched like elastic bands, pulled into one spot; he could feel himself arriving at that familiar sensation, with every push and grunt sending him there faster - he knew he wouldn’t last much longer. Robbie reached around to find Gary’s hard, leaking member. He grabbed it roughly and began to pump it clumsily quickly in time with the erotic impaling he was currently giving Gary. Everything was so hot and sticky. The panting was loud and heavy. Desperation and pure lust were taking them both over and soon everything just became erratic as they raced to an end that would long-satisfy them both. Robbie was barely hanging on, he could feel himself about to erupt and pushed faster while still haphazardly pleasuring Gary around the front, willing him to follow suit…

Gary suddenly groaned loudly, “Rob, I’m coming!” he yelled in a high voice, arching his back as he felt himself peaking. “Thank god!” Robbie groaned and fit to burst he did just that, with one last hard push into Gary, the orgasm spilled over and he came hard, deep inside Gary, he felt cum explode from him, and held Gary close to him keeping him in place, as he convulsed with wave after wave of erotic pleasure. It was an indescribable pure sensation, complete unadulterated erotic pleasure! The feeling of Robbie coming inside him, was the last straw - it sent Gary over the edge too; he spilled his load right into Robbie’s large waiting hand. Robbie held on to his lover as Gary’s muscles contracted and he erratically trembled with the sensation, riding his own orgasm. 

They stayed in place for as long as they could, enjoying every last bit before Robbie finally pulled out. Both men immediately and very unceremoniously collapsed on to the soft plush carpet beneath their hot sweaty bodies; breathing hard, hearts racing, completely spent. 

Utterly exhausted, they both stayed there on the floor for some time, in peaceful reflection. Both caught up in their own thoughts and feelings as they continued to catch their breath and allow their heart rates to return to normal. Robbie was caught up in a mix of emotions; he was so overcome by the euphoria of what they had just did that he felt like he might actually cry – for one thing, he hadn’t had sex at all since Gary had left him, and secondly, to then rediscover how fucking amazing their sex was; it was all too much to take in.  
Gary turned around to face him, and smiled, “that was beautiful” he breathed, still panting a little. Robbie beamed, “it was fucking hot too!” he declared, “….although how you managed to keep that bloody vest on, is beyond me!” Gary softly chuckled at that. They stayed there on the floor for a while, just talking but soon Gary began to drift off, so Robbie got him up off the floor and led him upstairs to his bedroom. They both needed a decent night’s rest after that intensive physical workout. Locked in each other’s arms, sleep came easy.

**********************************************************************

 

Robbie awoke to the sound of faint rustling. He slowly opened his eyes, only for them to be assaulted by a source of bright light in the room. He grumbled and squinted around the room until he located the source of the light, it was the en-suite.   
Confused, he turned over to find Gary’s side of the bed empty. Looking at the clock, he read it was 5.45am, _‘what the fuck was Gary doing up so early?’_ He thought to himself.

Bleary-eyed and grumbling over the aches he felt all over his complaining body (it really had been quite the strenuous workout), he got out of the bed and walked over to the bright light of the en-suite bathroom. After rubbing his eyes, he found Gary standing in clean undies and his vest, struggling to open a new toothbrush still in its vacuum-packed packaging.  
Feeling a little put out since he’d been looking forward to a traditional morning snuggle-fuck, Robbie took the plastic packet out of Gary’s hand, “what are you doing up so early?” he asked Gary, “It’s still dark out!”  
Gary smiled as he noticed Robbie now trying to open the toothbrush for him, “I know – sorry Rob, I didn’t mean to wake you, I was just –“  
Robbie caught a strange look in Gary’s eyes, and suddenly realisation dawned, “Wait – were you getting ready to go? Were you going to leave?!” he asked with a slightly panicked voice; was he sad or hurt? He didn’t know himself…maybe a bit of both.   
“I was going to leave you a note” Gary told him, “it’s just…I need to get back, but I can come back later”, he added quietly as he watched Robbie, with frustration, aggressively tear at the toothbrush packing with his teeth until it finally gave.  
“But why are you leaving so early though, I don’t understand?” Robbie asked him, handing back the now ripped open package.  
“Eh…I just need to get back”, Gary said, distinctly cagey.  
“I don’t understand, have you got plans?” Robbie prickly asked him, feeling a little used.  
“Eh…not plans…it’s just, just -”

Then it clicked.  
“Oh no, Gary, no…”  
“What?” Gary asked unconvincingly innocent, sensing his secret was actually out.  
“He’s still there isn’t he? At your house!”  
“Erm, I- ”  
“Don’t Gaz, don’t tell me Lucas, is still in the picture!” Robbie asked incredulously, his voice rising with irritation, “He is, isn’t he?!”  
Gary sighed, it was time to come clean, “I didn’t get a chance to tell him!”  
“You didn’t get a chance? You had practically two days Gaz!”  
“Yes, but I didn’t get around to telling him yet”. Gary meekly said, retreating a little.  
“I don’t understand why not – why didn’t you tell him straight away?” Robbie quizzed him.  
“I…I don’t know, I just didn’t have time”.  
“Bullshit!”   
“Robbie, I wanted to, I meant to…it’s just there wasn’t a good time, but I will do it!” Gary retorted although he knew himself, his voice sounded anything but confident.  
“What is a good time exactly?”  
“I don’t know, anytime he’s not blowing a gasket!” Gary remarked, off the cuff – he was getting a little frustrated by Robbie interrogating him.   
“Are you afraid of him?” Robbie squarely asked. 

There was a distinct pause.  
“No.” Gary meekly offered.   
A narrowed-eyed Robbie saw straight through it. “I’ll come back with you – I’ll tell him”, he told Gary matter-of-factly.  
“NO!”  
“Why not?”  
“I can do it myself!”  
“Yeah right – if that was true, you’d have done it already” Robbie scoffed.  
“I said I will, and I will….it’s just a bit hard s’all!” Gary reasoned.  
But Robbie laughed harshly, “Please! You don’t even like the guy, plus he’s a complete arsehole – frankly, it should be the easiest breakup in history, just stand up to him and get rid! How hard can it be?!”  
“It’s…you… it’s hard to explain” Gary dithered, he knew what he wanted to say but he just couldn’t, he knew it didn’t make sense. He did want rid of Lucas, he just knew it had to be softly, he couldn’t risk Lucas being really upset with him, more than he was already, of course.  
Robbie sighed heavily, “If you’re afraid of him, it’s ok, I understand – you’re not strong enough –I get it, so I’ll do it for you!” Robbie told him simply, like it made perfect sense to everyone in the world except Gary.

All Gary heard was Robbie telling him he was ‘afraid’ and ‘not strong enough’, “Excuse me?!”  
“Look, Gaz – you aren’t up to it on your own; and that’s fine, I want to help you! But you telling me you just didn’t have the time, is complete bull crap, and you know it!”  
Gary’s mouth fell open, he was lost for words – did Robbie really think him that weak? Gary knew he would do it, he just needed to find the right time.   
“So I’ll come back with you and we’ll do it together.” Robbie continued, disrupting Gary’s thoughts.  
“No!” Gary told him, “I’ll do it on my own like I said I would – please Rob, I need to do this….” He insisted. Frankly, the last thing he needed was Robbie making everything 100% worse, even though it was with good intentions. But Gary knew Robbie would not be able to button his trap!  
“Why? There’s no need, it just needs to be done Gary, we can’t have a proper new start until it is done, you must see that!” Robbie kept on.  
“I get that, I really do Robbie, I just –”  
“Well, I don’t GET why you wouldn’t want to do all you can to ensure that, to give us the best chance possible, but getting that giant twat out of our lives for good!” Robbie argued, “….or…wait, maybe you actually like the fact that two men want you?! What is it – do you like me chasing you, wanting you for myself, while he obsesses over you so possessively?! DO you actually get off on it?!” Robbie spat, glowering at Gary. 

It was more than Gary could take.  
“How dare you!” Gary erupted, “YOU have no idea! How could you even think that?! I can’t relax in my own home, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything without him knowing and checking up on me! What - you think this is some game? It fucking isn’t! It’s my life Robbie, and you don’t understand what he’s like, you don’t understand at all! How could you!” Gary felt hot tears in his eyes, Robbie’s words had really hurt, “You don’t get how he REALLY is! I just can’t believe you’d say that, think that! You complete arsehole!” he yelled and threw the damn toothbrush on the floor, unused.   
Seeing the pain in Gary’s eyes, the hurt in his voice – Robbie realised immediately he’d gone too far, “Hey. Hey ….Gary, I’m sorry, I was just frustrated – I didn’t mean it, I don’t know why I said it!”

Gary wouldn’t look at him, leaning on the sink’s edge, his head bowed as he breathed fast, he laughed harshly, “No, you never do, do you Rob?!” he finally looked up to meet Robbie’s remorseful eyes, “See, this is why I worry about us Rob. I want you so much, and I love you to pieces but when you act like this, when you say things like that – it feels like nothing has changed; you talk first, and think second AND you always do it to hurt me. I must be a fool to think things could be different!” he quietly said. There was no anger in his voice, only hurt and sadness.   
Robbie was speechless. 

Gary picked up the discarded toothbrush and placed it gently on the side, and sighed, “I’m going to just go”.  
Robbie instantly sprang into action, “Don’t go! Please Gary don’t go! Please – don’t leave angry. I beg you! Stay, please!”  
“Rob I’m not leaving angry, I’m disappointed, I just need to go”, Gary said solemnly, and made to walk past Robbie who was blocking the doorway.   
Robbie reacted by reaching out and grabbing him hard by the waist, but Gary yelped a little, and Robbie’s instinctive reflex was to let go which gave Gary the opportunity to get past him and whisk out the door.  
Robbie could see his world crumbling and couldn’t bare it, “GARY I beg you don’t leave me again! Please!!!” he cried, in desperation.   
Gary stopped, and turned around. He saw the anguish in Robbie’s eyes and immediately his heart ached and his knees weakened. He ran back to Robbie and pulled him into his arms, “I’m not ‘leaving’ you Robbie, I’m not!”, he whispered into Robbie’s ear as the sobbing taller man cried deeper into his shoulder, “But you can’t keep doing this Rob, I can’t do this! If you’re going to go off the deep end all the time; I just don’t know how we can….I mean, when you say these things to hurt me, it makes me worried that there is no hope for us in staying together properly, because we can’t have a proper future that way, you need to understand that”, Gary told him earnestly, still holding the taller man to him close.   
Robbie heaved a sharp breath, he pulled his arms around Gary’s neck, never wanting to let him go, “I do Gaz”, he implored, his voice slightly muffled, “We CAN do this, we can do this together, I know we can, I promise we can!” he said, pulling back to look Gary straight in the eye, silently begging him to believe him.   
Gary pondered him only for a second before a timid smile broke through and shone on his face, “come ‘ere you big hopeless lug!” and he pulled Robbie towards him once more, ensnaring the tattooed man’s lips with his own.  
They kissed until they had soothed away all the previous tension and slowly they began to relax once more.  
“How on earth did you find your briefs downstairs?” Robbie suddenly pondered aloud as he sadly surveyed how Gary’s nether regions were now concealed from his hungry gaze.  
“I didn’t. I’ve borrowed some of yours.” Gary smirked.  
“mmmm…that is sexy.” Robbie murmured seductively low, with a cheeky wink, as he looked Gary up and down, “I still don’t know how you managed to keep that bloody vest on the whole time though – I should’ve ripped it off you, in fact I’m surprised you didn’t yeself! – I mean, it did get hot – real hot…literally”.  
“It did”, Gary said with a wry smile, very much enjoying the reminiscent thoughts flooding his mind, until Robbie interrupted the super sexy memories with a question he was trying to avoid…  
“Why did you keep that vest on?” he asked seriously, “It’s not like you to keep any clothes on during sex, my Captain!” Robbie winked again, but Gary could tell Robbie was actually pondering him carefully, and he suddenly felt himself self-consciously blush, “I just forgot about it,” he feebly offered. Unconvinced, Robbie narrowed his eyes with suspicion, and Gary panicked; he could see the cogs turning behind Robbie’s eyes, so he quickly diverted the conversation, “Oh well, I best get going I s’pose” he quickly said.  
“But Gaz….”  
“I just need you to trust me Rob, to sort it MY way”, Gary interrupted, not wanting to get into a new argument but knowing they needed to settle this.  
“Gaz - I just want to help you s’all”.  
“I know, but I need to do this on my own, please understand”, Gary beseeched, willing Robbie to do just that.  
Robbie sighed, “I’m trying, but I still just don’t get why”.  
“It’s hard to explain”. 

Robbie said nothing for a time, until he finally rolled his eyes with an irritated acceptance, “Fine!” he huffed, but sounding anything but satisfied, and anything but sure; “Still, just know that you don’t _need_ to do it on your own, because you have me now. We ARE in this TOGETHER Gaz, there’s no need for you to go through anything all by yourself, not anymore, and that’s all I meant”.  
Gary smiled at how hopelessly sweet Robbie sounded, “I know Rob, and I appreciate that, I really do.”  
“Then please, Gary, let me – ”  
“No, I’m sorry Rob – I’ve made up my mind, so let’s not get into it again, please”, he asked, “Look, I’ll see you soon…we’ve got that meeting at the PR office on Friday, I promise it’ll be done by then.” Gary told Robbie, somewhat stern and final. 

Robbie would’ve felt happy to hear some of the old Gary confidence back but as his brain slowly ticked, he realised the meaning behind Gary’s words…   
“What? So I won’t see you until then?!” He asked, astounded by disbelief, “Gaz, I need to see you, I need to know you’re safe. I can’t take it knowing you’re with HIM! You have to realise how that makes me feel!”  
Gary sighed sadly, “I know, I do get that….”  
“Then why are you going?”  
“Please Robbie, I just need to get back….” But even as he said it he didn’t even know why himself. He paused, sighed and the continued, “ok, I’ll make an excuse, a photoshoot or something and I’ll pop by tomorrow”. 

Robbie wanted to dispute it still, he didn’t want Gary to go at all. He wanted his man to stay with him, he wanted to have a nice cosy morning in bed, then a lazy late breakfast and a chill out in front of the TV, just like the old days. But he knew they weren’t _there_ quite yet – and he couldn’t risk another disagreement right now, besides Gary said he’d be back tomorrow, so he supposed for now that would have to do.  
“I still don’t like it Gaz. I mean, how will I know you’re safe?! ….But if I really can’t stop you, then I guess you better go” Robbie said sulkily, “Just get away as soon as you can, even sooner than tomorrow, if possible…please”, Robbie knew there was worry in his voice, and he hoped Gary would hear it, and feel just a tiny bit guilty for causing it. 

Gary put on a strained smile, he knew he was causing Robbie to worry, and he did feel guilty; but that just made him feel all the more determined to get it all sorted once and for all.  
“It’ll be fine”, Gary promised with a smile - although he felt anything but confident, “Robbie, you have to trust me – I will do this, we will be finally free of him”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive apologies for the delay - I didn't realise it's been 3 weeks. I'm really busy at the moment, so up until xmas, the chapters may be a bit sporadic in updating, but it will be updated, please rest assured. Thank you for your patience, and as always thank you very much for reading and leaving lovely comments. xx


	31. Until You Understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My Christmas present to you - hope you enjoy, and very sorry for the long wait. Have a very merry Christmas, much love xx

## Until You Understand

Gary looked around the kitchen cautiously, but everything seemed just as he left it.   
He checked the lounge, the living room, in fact all the rooms downstairs before quietly making his way upstairs. No sign, there was no sign anywhere that Lucas had been there or stayed that long after Gary had left. He hadn’t wanted to leave Lucas in his house ‘unattended’ but he had been so desperate to get to Robbie’s that he just made his excuses and his escape. Lucas hadn’t been happy about it, he knew; he could sense Lucas’ every emotion by now, but mostly his temper; but at the time he just couldn’t have given a damn, he wanted Robbie and nothing was going to stop him…at that precise moment, at least.

When he had awoken that morning, all he could think about, all he could worry about was Lucas finding out – not because he cared about Lucas’ feelings, no. It was because he was genuinely afraid of what Lucas would do if he found out, before Gary could break up with him.

Gary gave one final look around and then released a deep breath; a deep breath he hadn’t even been aware that until that point he’d been holding. Now satisfied he was truly alone, and also relieved, he was however, quite disappointed that as it turned out he had left Robbie’s side prematurely and needlessly. For a moment, he even considered quickly driving back to be with Robbie, but decided that might just lead to more questions he wasn’t ready to answer.

Going back to the kitchen, he put the coffee on, and went upstairs to grab a shower. It was just after 7.30am when he came back down, fully dressed and ready for the day. Wandering back into the kitchen, Gary grabbed a mug and poured himself some fresh coffee, he was just about to take a sip when he strangely spotted a pile of post on the side of the breakfast bar. Curious and confused, he hadn’t remembered seeing them there before, and on closer inspection he realised why, they were that morning’s post.   
He stopped stock-still as a shiver ran down his back, he immediately checked for other signs, inklings he was no longer alone, and then he heard a noise, “Lucas …is…is that you?” he tentatively called out, honestly secretly hoping it was a strangely helpful burglar, instead. There was more noise as the intruder made his way into the kitchen and Gary didn’t feel any less unease upon confirming the face of his trespasser. 

“Hey Beautiful!” Lucas said brightly as he stepped over to Gary and wrapped his arms around him, not seemingly batting an eyelid at the fact that Gary didn’t move one inch to hug him back.  
“How did you get in here?” Gary asked carefully, not wanting to sound vexed or annoyed, as he carefully monitored Lucas’ mood.  
“Darling, you left the door on the latch again" Lucas told him tiredly, "– you really need to be careful about that – I could’ve been a psycho maniac roaming around out there!” He said with a chuckle but the darkness in his eyes said something else.  
“I was sure I closed it”, Gary innocently said, now unsure.  
“When was that?” Lucas asked shortly.  
“When was what?”  
“When did you close the door?” Lucas clarified. Gary looked at him, and finally knew what the dark look was alluding to, Lucas wanted to know when Gary got back.  
Gary hesitated, not knowing whether to lie and say last night, or go with the truth. Knowing there was however, a tremendous possibility Lucas may’ve actually camped himself outside in his car somewhere, possibly up the road with a pair of binoculars just waiting for Gary’s return; Gary decided the truth was his only option…well, half-truth.  
“Around Six Thirty, I guess – me and Eliot had a lot of work to do on the songs for that US show, we worked all the way through to 5am”, Gary lied…..and he hoped, convincingly.  
Lucas narrowed his eyes, and cocked a well-groomed eyebrow at the smaller man, “Eliot? ...I thought you were with your sound guy? That’s what you said before you seemingly fled the house yesterday.” Lucas questioned, his eyes full of suspicion.  
 _‘Fuck!’_ Gary yelled inside his head, for his sheer dumb forgetfulness – he was just no good at this lying game…  
“Yeah, Ryan was there earlier too”, he quickly said, thinking fast, “but he left just before midnight, the slacker!” he chortled, looking at Lucas carefully, trying to decipher what the blond was thinking while also attempting to hide his overwhelming nervousness.

Lucas starred hard at Gary for a moment, and Gary silently braced himself for the worst.   
“Well, I’m just glad that means you can’t possibly do any more work today, thus meaning I have you all to myself, for once!” he smiled.  
A tense ball of anxiety that had been entangling Gary's insides, dispersed a little as a sense of relief flushed through him. Although the prospect of having to spend the day with Lucas was anything but inviting. Nevertheless, he offered Lucas a coffee.   
“I’d love one” Lucas said brightly, still smiling.  
Gary managed to return a small smile before he turned back to the coffee jug, and began to pour a second mug. 

With his back now to Lucas, Gary failed to see that smile instantly fall off Lucas’ face. 

*****************************************************************************

 

It was 4pm when Robbie got a text:   
_“Sorry Rhino, we’re going to leave that sound editing on the second track till tomorrow – something’s come up. Talk to you tomorrow, G x”_

Only for a split second did Robbie honestly believe Gary had texted the wrong person. No, the cryptic message was for him, to tell him, Gary wasn’t coming over after all. Deflated, didn’t even begin to describe how he felt.

Days passed by and still Gary hadn’t showed up. Robbie couldn’t understand how Gary couldn’t just use the excuse of a photoshoot like he said he would. It made no sense. And yes, Robbie was hurt by that…as well as frustrated…and quite annoyed - but that was nowhere near to how fretful he was.   
He just needed to know Gary was safe, and the only way he could be sure of that would be if Gary was with him. 

Gary left so many profuse apologies of course; in emails and more secretly obscure texts in which he still referred to Robbie as “Ryan”. Robbie knew Gary had obviously edited his number with a different name, just in case Lucas saw; meaning Lucas was obviously still very much a factor, and Gary was stalling yet again. But more than all that, it meant’ that for another night Gary wouldn’t be in _his_ arms, he’d be with another man instead.

******************************************************************************

 

“I was saying there’s a photoshoot I’m supposed to have for a magazine, tomorrow”, Gary was telling Lucas who was in turn busying himself with dishing out two full dinner plates.  
Satisfied with the generous portions Lucas threw a tea towel over his shoulder and picked up the two hot plates with his bare hands, “Is that so”, Lucas quietly replied as he placed one of the plates in front of Gary at the table.  
Gary looked down at that plate, inwardly turning his nose up at the staggering volume of pasta before him; he’d told Lucas fifty times he didn’t eat pasta anymore, let alone solid food after 2pm. Yet, still Lucas would make him a whole heap of pasta, only to then act really pissed off if Gary didn’t eat it all.   
“Yeah, I’ll be out for most of the day so, I’m guessing there’s no point waiting around here for me, because I won’t be around...here, I mean” Gary commented, and trying to sound as casual as possible.

“Nonsense – I don’t mind waiting for you, I’ll work remotely tomorrow and have dinner ready for when you’re back” Lucas smiled, as he sat down opposite Gary.  
The smile curdled Gary’s insides, “But I don’t know how long it’ll be, it could run well into the evening”, he gingerly tried, being desperate to both see Robbie, and get rid of Lucas, if only for a day.   
“So let me get this straight, you’re proposing a photoshoot will take the best part of the day and then evening too, really?!” Lucas merely commented, although Gary caught a certain look pass Lucas’ eyes.   
Lucas didn’t believe him.  
“I could be wrong – I just can’t remember the time”, Gary mumbled.  
“Well, I’m sure your assistant can fill you in, I can call her if you like”, Lucas said, carefully watching Gary, allowing a small smirk to slowly creep over his lips.  
“No, it’s ok – I’ll call her tomorrow morning”. Gary quickly said. Deeply frustrated, Gary then grew quiet, inwardly seething at his own stupidity.   
Lucas began to eat, but Gary could only stare at his plate of food, raking his brain, trying to find another excuse. Yet it was no use, it never was – Lucas always managed to see through everything. 

So maybe it was time, maybe he should just come out with it straight…   
“Look Lucas - I need to talk to you about something”, Gary started, as a sudden surge of bravery steered him on.   
“What about?” Lucas said casually as he stuck a fork into his own plateful. He then twisted it around and shovelled it into his mouth, before pointedly scowling across the table in Gary’s direction.  
Gary took the hint and picked at his own food with a fork, “I eh…I just thought…well, I think we need to…eh”  
“Oh, spit it out Gary – the words, not the food – you don’t eat enough to keep a small budgerigar alive, as it is!” He mocked.  
Gary swallowed dryly, determined to conceal any annoyance he felt at that comment. But still, and very determinedly he went on -  
“I…I do enjoy your company – don’t get me wrong, but I think it’s time we…” Gary stopped, at the sound of silver hitting fine china.  
Lucas had dropped his fork and was looking at Gary with a mixture of shock and anger, “Are you trying to break up with me, Gary Barlow”, Lucas asked, slowly and dangerously.  
Panicked by that look he knew so well, he immediately went into ‘damage-control mode’, “No, no – I er, I was just thinking it was time we talked about having some space is all”, he ventured but already knew he’d lost.   
Lucas moved the dropped fork off his plate and placed it slowly back down beside the plate.   
The silence was deafening.

After a few moments he slowly looked up to catch Gary’s timid gaze,  
“I don’t want space…do you?” Lucas bluntly asked him.  
Gary instinctively shook his head before his brain and mouth could catch up, “I…no, but I just…I think it will do us good to have some, nevertheless”, a small protective inner voice was screaming at himself to stop, but he was trying to be brave, for Robbie.  
“Well, I disagree” Lucas said. His voice stern and final.  
“Ok”. Gary said quietly, realising his endeavour was folly and would only end up somewhere bad for him, if he didn’t stop now.  
Lucas looked at Gary strangely, “OK? Is that all you have to say?” he mocked with unkind eyes.  
“Yes”, Gary swallowed dryly once more, “it was just a suggestion” Gary said looking down at his plate, all the while feeling Lucas’ intimidating eyes piercing into his head.  
“A stupid suggestion” Lucas commented.  
“I get that, I just thought you were tiring of me” Gary replied, wishfully thinking.  
“Well, I’m not – are you, Gary?”  
“N…no, of course not” Gary practically squeaked.  
“Good, well, that’s settled”, Lucas said picking up his fork once more, “Frankly, Gary I think it was a stupid thing to bring up while we’re eating. I can’t lie - I’m disappointed. In fact it’d be a good idea if you didn’t open your mouth at all while we finish dinner, and when I say finish – I mean I want to see that whole plate cleared”. 

Shocked by Lucas’ response, Gary was frankly staggered at being talked down to like that, like he was a child!  
…and yet – he stayed silent, he knew it was for the best. He risked a quick glance at Lucas and saw the blond was still carefully watching him through steely eyes, from across the table.

Feeling his heart in his throat, Gary could only nod as he picked up a forkful of soggy pasta.  
Satisfied by Gary's compliance, Lucas suddenly cleared his throat, “Now about that ‘photoshoot’…”

*******************************************************************************

 

Friday at last arrived, but Robbie had not seen Gary at all.   
Robbie knew he should be mad, and he was but more than that he was worried. 

He was sat in one of the comfy chairs of their PR office, with the other 3 lads, and Gary was late. Not only had Gary not come to see him, but now he was the last to arrive; and if you knew Gary, you knew that was not a Gary thing to do. Robbie did know Gary, and so the situation was not abating his concerns in the least.   
Yet, as he sat quietly contemplating what horrendously horrible thing might have happened to his lover to stop him being on time, the man in question all of a sudden, and very casually strode in and took a seat.  
Gary apologised for being late of course, but offered no reason, and then in another very un-Gary-like fashion, he proceeded to remain quiet throughout the discussions. They talked for 2 hours; FOUR members of a band with the PR reps and their manager, but not the fifth, not Gary. He sat there offering nothing towards the press release and promo statements, nothing on the proposed schedule and no suggestions on what interviews they should do first. It was odd, but at least, at last, and to Robbie’s great relief it looked like the others were finally seeing the strange change in Gary too. Perplexed looks were shared among the other lads and the manager, as they all silently agreed something really was up with Gary Barlow. Sure, he smiled and laughed, but it was all insincere, anyone could see that – it was like he was on autopilot and not taking in anything anyone else was saying. But unlike Robbie, it felt like they were all choosing to ignore it, hoping they were reading too much into it all, Gary was fine, Gary was always fine.   
After all, he was strong, he could deal with anything, couldn’t he? 

Robbie knew different of course, he knew Lucas was very much the root of whatever was going on in Gary’s head. He figured Gary couldn’t have told Lucas yet. It would explain why Gary was doing his very best to avoid Robbie’s eyes; in fact Gary had spent the whole meeting all but completely ignoring Robbie, not looking in his direction even once.   
Robbie was worried, and hurt too. Plus he felt bitter after missing Gary so much and wanting to see him so badly.   
He needed to have it out with Gary, in private.  
Luckily for Robbie, just as he thought it, the opportunity arrived. They decided to take a break, and grab some coffee. But not Gary, he immediately darted out of the room, heading in the direction of the toilets. With his departure, the other lads began to immediately comment on what they’d noticed of Gary’s odd behaviour. It was confusing and worrying they could all agree on that, but before they could discuss it further, Robbie shook off the lads, and followed Gary into the toilet, too impatient to confront him.

“Gary, what the hell?!” he yelled as he stepped in. Then remembering himself, he checked around him and the cubicles to check they were actually alone, and thankfully they were. It was then his eyes fell on the pitiful form of Gary Barlow…  
Gary had his hands resting on the edge of the sink, his only support as he stood hunched over it with his head drooped below his shoulders.   
“Gaz!!” Robbie impatiently barked, he…no, _they_ didn’t have time for the silence – and he needed answers.

At the sound of Robbie’s voice beside him, Gary’s head shot up, but at seeing Robbie’s angry face reflected back at him in the mirror, he instinctively spun around and backed off as if startled, “I’m sorry Robbie…I…I…I know I owe y…you an ex…explanation, I just…”, Gary’s voice was shaky, his face as white as a sheet.  
Robbie’s anger dropped immediately as a sudden sickening feeling bubbled in his stomach, “Baby, what’s the matter?” he anxiously said darting forward, catching a tense Gary in his arms.  
“He knew there was no photo shoot“, Gary mumbled against Robbie’s welcoming shoulder.  
“How?” Robbie questioned, holding on to the man, soothing the stiff body in his arms.  
“I don’t know, I think he checked with my assistant, even though I told him I would. I had to then make out I’d got it wrong by mistake…bu...but he didn’t buy it. He wouldn’t let me out of his sight.”  
“So, why didn’t you just tell him? Why didn’t you just get it over and done with for crying out loud Gary?!”  
“I don’t know!” Gary whined as he pushed himself out of Robbie’s warm sedating touch and took a step back, now out of reach. The defensive body language was obvious.   
“Gaz – I don’t understand!”  
“You think I do?! - I don’t Rob, I don’t know what he’s done to me, but it’s so hard…”   
“Well, I know what he’s done to you! – he’s worked at you since day one Gaz! He’s been grinding you down, making you shrink into yourself, stripping you of your confidence and making you question yourself. But most of all, he’s dampened that beautiful inner fire I’ve always admired in you! That amazing fire in your eyes that tells me you won’t ever give up, I’ve seen it lessen day after day and now that sparkle is all but gone, leaving only dullness, and it scares me Gary, it scares me to death, because if he’s done this to you when he supposedly loves you, what is he going to do when he’s pissed at you for breaking with him I fear – but you have to, because he is KILLING you!”

The words were strong, Robbie didn’t want to scare Gary or make him feel any worse that he did but he knew he had to be tough to get through to him. And the hard words seemed to have successfully penetrated through to Gary, but he nevertheless appeared to visibly shake them off defensively.  
“I know Rob, don’t you think I know all that – I can see I’m different – I can see you all look at me like, like… but I’ll sort it, I promise. I got myself into this mess, I will get myself out of it!” Gary said with stern eyes.  
“Because you’ve done such a good job so far!” Robbie harshly laughed.  
The words struck true, and Robbie instantly regretted them as he watched Gary’s eyes widened with hurt and even his bottom lip wobbled before he firmly bit down on it.  
“Baby – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that Gaz - I just get so frustrated!” Robbie softly spoke as he took hold of Gary’s arms in his hands once more. He half expected Gary to flinch out of them, but he didn’t.  
“Frustrated with me?” Gary quietly asked, defeated.  
“No! Frustrated with the situation Gaz”, he sighed hard, “and frankly I’m furious with myself for…. it doesn’t matter”, Robbie racked a hand through his hair in an exasperated fashion, he could never hide his feelings well.   
A moment’s pause between them stilled the air and subdued the tension, all before Robbie unexpectedly broke it; “Fuck this, I’m doing it!” Robbie suddenly declared.  
“No!” Gary cried, immediately understanding the intent.   
But Robbie was serious.  
“Gary – we are ending this, he needs to know, and get the fuck out of OUR home!”  
Gary stayed silent, and cast his eyes downward in despair and hopelessness, “It won’t help”.  
“Gaz – it will, so please let me help you – you need help, I mean, Jesus christ - look at the state of you, he’s done this, he’s done this to you – you can’t keep letting him do this!” Robbie beseeched, begging Gary to face the truth, to realise he couldn’t keep going on like this, _they_ couldn’t.

Gary sighed and looked back up at Robbie, his eyes tinged red as if sore with tiredness, “I know, I do know. I… just…can you hold me please”, he whimpered.  
The words broke Robbie’s heart, and once more he dashed forward to claim the broken man in his arms.  
“I always will” he whispered in Gary’s ear.

How long they stayed like that, neither could say but finally Robbie felt Gary completely relax in his arms.  
“Ok” Gary quietly whispered.  
Robbie’s head shot up, and he gently forced Gary’s eyes to meet his, “Ok? Seriously?” he questioned, his voice full of restrained hope.  
“Seriously”.

Robbie sighed heavily, as the relief flooded through him. Knowing he had Gary’s permission to intervene, to help, was a massive positive step in the right direction.  
Robbie bent down and kissed Gary’s forehead gently but with so much affection, as his arms remained clamped tightly around the shorter man, holding on to him so securely.  
He completely forgot they were standing in the men’s toilets', and at any moment someone could just walk in on them, but he cared not – he could stay like that forever.   
But to his disappointment he felt Gary’s head pull slightly away, he looked down at the man of his dreams and smiled. Gary smiled back before he reached up to catch Robbie’s lips. The sudden kiss was sensual and satisfying, like quenching a thirst. 

When Robbie felt Gary gently pulling away, he grabbed on to the back of his head, pushing his fingers through the soft hair, he found a grip and pulled Gary’s head further to his. Full of lust for each other - the kiss immediately intensified and they quickly began to lose themselves in it.  
Their hands began to wildly grope at each other as fingers fumbled with loosening items of clothing. The room began to be filled with soft moans and heavy breathing between kissing as soon one, or maybe both of them began clumsily dragging the other into a toilet cubicle. Gary walked backwards inside, and pulled Robbie in to join him, before he playfully pushed Robbie backwards to force the door closed. 

Gary pressed Robbie up against the door, and kissed him deeply. Tongues feverously thrashed against one another, and bodies rubbed hard as they pressed up against one another, until they began to melt together from the friction-conjured heat. Gary soon began to yank at Robbie’s waist line, needing more, undoing the belt buckle with urgent clumsy fingers. Robbie smiled into the kiss, enjoying Gary taking control this time.

A door somewhere opened.

In the heat of the moment, they nearly didn’t hear it, but then a soft whistling tune suddenly stirred their outward senses, reactivating them, and immediately they stilled their bodies. A series of light footsteps walked by their cubicle, and all the while they stood there stock still trying to silently regain their breath, while intensely listening to the movement in the men’s room. They kept the eyes strictly on the other’s, not breathing a word, until Robbie a little carelessly shifted, looking suddenly uncomfortable while giving Gary a very pointed look. Gary understood immediately, Robbie was suffering from a semi hard-on, and frankly Gary felt himself swelling in his own pants too. They smiled knowingly at each other, as the unmistakable squeak of a cubicle door swinging closed, was heard a little away from them, followed by the turn of a lock. They wanted to both breathe a sigh of relief that the visitor didn’t simply want to take a piss, but daren’t chance it in case they were heard.   
Slowly, Robbie opened the door, protectively holding Gary back. Still trying to be completely silent. Robbie peaked out, and to his much relief the coast was clear, and so he sharply grabbed Gary and together they made a silent run for it.

Still catching their breath down the hall, Robbie leading, he took Gary away in the opposite direction of the meeting. Upon realising this, Gary yanked on Robbie’s arm to halt him in his tracks, “Rob – the meeting’s the other way”, he said with mild confusion.  
“Fuck, I know that – but no way am I sitting there with a semi, now you’ve got me all riled up, Gaz!”  
“But –”  
“Look, I’ll go back and tell them, and meet you there – I won’t be long”.   
Robbie quickly checked down the hall for anyone watching, and satisfied he quickly grabbed Gary’s face between his hands and kissed him daringly, but fleetingly. He grudgingly let Gary go and gently shooed him to get going.

Once Gary was on his way out, Robbie turned around straightened his clothes and tried to get Robbie Junior to calm down below, with not much success. Attempting to be as nonchalant as possible, he softly whistled as he made his way back to the meeting and the other lads.  
All but Mark was there.

“Markie’s in the loo, where’s Gaz? Is he alright?” Howard asked Robbie as soon as he walked through the door, and scanned the room.  
Robbie inwardly collapsed with relief that they’d escaped the toilet without Mark catching them, but was abruptly brought back to reality by Jason’s next words,  
“Something is not right, we should leave this for today, and go talk to him” Jason suggested soberly.  
“NO!” Robbie blurted, without thinking.

The lads looked at him with a mix of shock and curiousness. Robbie felt bad, the lads cared for Gaz, but frankly his own sexual urges and desires were presently so much stronger than his guilt for what he said next.

“I caught up with Gaz briefly, he’s just tired, he had a rough night, I told him to go home and get some rest – said we’d catch up again, next week.  
“Well, ok I guess”, Howard commented, “– as long as he’s ok. He’s just been awfully quiet all day, it’s not like him to -”  
“I know Howard, and we will talk to him about it but I’ve got to shoot off right now”, Robbie said impatiently, “the…er…dogs will need a walk, I’m sorry but I really got to go. Give my apologies to Markie!” Robbie said already backing out of the room ready to leave them still very much confused.   
He then turned and fled down the corridor at such a briskly rate, it was almost a gallop.

******************************************************************************

 

Robbie rolled over on to his side in bed, his eyes immediately falling on the dishevelled and exhausted form of his lover. Gary was on his back, sweat on his brow, and breathing heavily -his chest rising and falling rapidly. He was completely spent.   
Robbie smiled, still feeling the remnants of his own exhilarating orgasm still tingling inside him. But it was seeing Gary lying beside him, completely worn out from the throes of making love - that was the real thrill.   
He still couldn’t believe they were here, back together, after everything. It still felt like he was in a beautiful dream, except for the fact any moment Gary and his cute little naked butt would dart out of bed, claiming he needed to get back. That was what he had grown to dread these last few days.

After the band meeting the week before, Robbie and Gary had met back at their secret meeting place where things got very frisky very quickly, as they pretty much immediately continued where they had left off in the Gents toilets earlier that day. However the cold hard floor was not kind to their backs and after that they decided they needed to leave their old place behind. So instead, Gary began to get more creative with this excuses and made it over to Robbie’s nearly everyday for the next week. Neither he or indeed Robbie had actually said anything to Lucas yet, quite frankly, presently they cared not, they were too busy enjoying being together again.   
But Robbie did dread Gary leaving, and Gary did leave – every time.  
So Robbie would cherish this part, cherish Gary being with him for however short it was.   
“Would you stop staring at me, you freak!” Gary playfully chided without even looking at Robbie, Gary knew he was staring at him, as usual. He knew why, he knew Robbie was appreciating them being together before he had to leave, and it honestly killed him to leave Robbie, especially in order to go back to Lucas. Gary knew it wasn’t fair, he knew Robbie deserved better, but he couldn't risk talking to Lucas yet. He couldn’t risk it when Lucas was angry, his temper was so volatile at the best of times, but presently it was explosive; and Gary worried it was because Lucas might already suspect something was up. But similarly, when Lucas did by the off-chance happen to be in a good mood, it was so rare and of such a relief that Gary didn’t want to spoil it, and so it went by day after day, Gary sneaking to see Robbie, and then getting back before Lucas could grow more suspicious.   
A real pressing issue however, was the bed situation. Robbie quite rightly didn’t want Gary sharing his bed with Lucas anymore. He’d made his sentiments quite clear on it the night before, and Gary couldn’t argue against it – besides he didn’t want to, after all, sleeping with Lucas made his skin crawl at the best of times.

Robbie, still in Gary’s peripheral version, chuckled softly and admitted he couldn’t help staring at a beautiful view.  
“Stop it or you’ll make me blush, you soppy idiot!” Gary smiled back before turning on his side, away from Robbie’s gaze.  
“I don’t care – you bring the soppiness out of me, Mister Barlow!” Robbie mumbled as he reached over and pulled Gary towards him in his arms. Gary fell against Robbie’s warm chest and pushed his back tighter against it, nestling in until with Robbie’s arms wrapped around him they stayed there, comfortably spooning. There in Robbie’s bed they stayed for as long as they were invisible to the world. Just them, plus their dogs who joined them on the bed an hour later.   
It was perfect, and all Robbie had wished for, for so long.

They managed to get out of bed just after 1.30pm, when Gary went down to feed the dogs and make up some lunch for the pair of them. Robbie wondered just how long Gary would be able to stay for that day. He hoped till the evening, at least.

Robbie got out of bed and went to take a shower, but no sooner had he turned on the shower head that he heard Gary pad back into the bedroom with a tray of something no doubt delicious.   
“You’re taking a shower now? You kiddin’ me?! Gary yelled into the en-suite, sounding a little irritated. 

Unfortunately, Robbie’s favourite pastime was to wind Gary up, lovingly of course – he just couldn't help but be a little cheeky, and he knew Gary loved him for it, really. So although he was completely naked, he stayed stood-still out of the shower but kept the shower head on full blast – “Sorry Gaz, you haven’t made anything special have you? I’ll likely be in here for oh, twenty or so minutes” he called from on the other side of the door, barely concealing his mischievous grin.  
“YOU are kidding me! I’ve made eggs Benedict for us! I’ll be cold by then!” Gary yelled back.  
Robbie stifled a laugh, “Sorry babe, but don’t worry I’m sure runny poached eggs taste ok stone cold, and the Hollandaise will be lovely congealed!” he called back, wondering how long he could keep going.  
Not long as it turned out.  
“Congealed?!” Gary barked in disbelief as he barged through the door of the en-suite to his much confusion as he found Robbie outside the shower, very naked and clutching his stomach trying to supress his laughing. The immediate confusion melted quickly away as it dawned on him, Robbie was having him on.   
“You git!” he rebuked.  
“Sorry baby – I couldn’t help it, I’ll come eat and then WE can have a shower!” he said with a wink.  
“No – I’ll eat breakfast – you carry on with your shower and then have your ‘cold poached eggs’ with your ‘congealed’ Hollandaise!” Gary playfully scorned as he closed the door on Robbie, with a sly grin.

********************************************************************************

 

“Why didn’t you join me?” Robbie moaned an hour later after breakfast and a shower… sadly, alone. “You always loved shower sex, yet we’ve not done it in there not even once since being back together! It’s weird.” Robbie muttered grumpily, he knew he sounded a bit whiny, he just couldn’t hide his disappointment.  
“Sorry baby, maybe next time!” Gary winked and went back to absently clicking the remote, to flick through the channels.  
“Yeah, right! Chance would be a fine thing!” Robbie guffawed, “you do realise I haven’t see you properly naked yet, and you’ve seen me naked loads!” he continued.  
“Yeah, that’s because you’re an exhibitionist, Rob! And what are you even talking about – I’m naked all the time!” Gary retorted.  
“In bed! Under the covers – the rest of the time, you either keep a t-shirt on, or a bloody vest – and don’t get me wrong you look fucking hot in both”, Robbie added as he saw Gary’s mouth open to protest, “But…” Robbie continued, “I wanna see you in full nakedness, you’ve worked so hard on sculpturing your body for me not to see it, really!” he reasoned, with as he thought, sound logic.  
Gary laughed, “you’ve got a point, ok – next time I’m here we’ll –”  
“Well, why not now?” Robbie interrupted and slightly suspiciously, “We could sit down, watch Netflix, butt-naked, or to be more precise, chest-naked” he challenged.  
“Don’t be absurd.” Gary simply said and turned his attention back to the TV.  
“I’m being serious”, Robbie told him as he walked to stand in front of the large flat TV screen on the wall, blocking Gary’s view.  
“Oh, I know that – but it’s still absurd”, Gary said under his breath, starting to feel agitated.  
“Absurd or not, you know me by now, so you know I won’t give up, so you might as well just give in, and get naked – come on!” Robbie said stubbornly, as he removed his socks before struggling with the tie string to his joggers…  
“Oh stop it!” Gary scoffed, not giving in.  
“I’m serious, and I’m getting naked, and so are you – so come on Barlow – whip your clothes off, and I mean EVERYTHING!”  
“No.” Gary said defiantly, and if Robbie was mistaken, he was sure he saw a glint of nervousness in those green eyes staring up at him.  
“What are you trying to hide?” Robbie asked, his tone changed - he was both irritated by Gary’s defiance and concerned because of it.  
“I’m not hiding anything!”  
“Then take your top off”  
“NO! And you can’t make me – so stop trying to push me around, you’re being just like _HIM_!” Gary yelled as he got up off the sofa and started looking for his coat.  
“What are you doing?” Robbie asked frantically, knowing he’d pushed Gary too far.  
“I’m going”, Gary told him, “Honestly, all I wanted to do was have a nice afternoon curled up on the sofa, I don’t need the interrogation or the ordering around – not from you, too!” he yelled, locating his jacket and checking the pocket for his keys.  
But Robbie was fast, fighting the shock he felt at Gary’s last words, he whipped past and stood in front of the door, blocking Gary’s exit, “Don’t go! Please don’t go – you’re right, I’m sorry, we can still have a nice afternoon together!” Robbie begged, inwardly kicking himself for not keeping his mouth shut, “Please Gaz, a relaxing afternoon with you and the dogs in front of the TV is all I want”, he affirmed, chancing a small smile.  
Gary looked at him for a long moment but then allowed a small smile to creep across his face, “That’s all I want too”, he said gently, and placed his coat back on the peg by the door.  
Robbie sighed with relief, and walked Gary back to the sofa. He was still confused and concerned about the whole vest thing but there was no way he was going to start an argument, so he knew he had to let it go…for now. 

"Robbie, I'm sorry for what I said", came Gary's quiet voice, a little later as they sat on the sofa watching the Suits boxset.  
"What you talking about?" Robbie asked him, looking up confused. He was lying in Gary's lap, while Gary played with his hair.   
"Comparing you to _him_ \- you're nothing like him, and he's nothing compared to you, you do know that Rob, don't you?" Gary asked seriously.   
"I know it now babe...and apology accepted", Robbie said grinning a little smugly as he turned back to watch the TV as Gary bent over and planted a small soft kiss on his brow.

 

Gary had stayed till later that evening, and after all the ‘vest-gate’ palaver, they still managed to have a lovely afternoon, just like the old days. They played with the dogs, snuggled and smooched, and Robbie ordered in a take away, it was simple but perfect.  
Robbie really didn’t want to send Gary home to Lucas, but he knew he had no choice. Even after agreeing they would talk to Lucas together, Gary was still hesitant to do it yet. He would always suggest giving it a little more time. It frustrated Robbie no end, but he knew Gary must have his own reasons, and what those were concerned him even more!

********************************************************************************

 

Gary was back at home with Lucas, red in the face but completely silent.   
Lucas was angry, furious in fact, “You lying bastard – tell me where you were!” the usually suave and well-turned out blond seethed. Lucas however, now looked manic as his cool and collected façade had once again slipped. Gary swallowed dryly, this was going to be bad he knew, Lucas didn't believe his recent tale of where he had been, and he was quite simply, ballistic.   
Gary was just tired of having the same argument, going through the same motions. So much so, that he came to a decision right then and there… _‘how could it get any worse, anyway?!’_ he reasoned with himself, as he figured he might as well finally get it all out and over and done with. Then he could finally be with Robbie properly. Besides, he knew it was the right thing to do - but right or not, that wasn’t going to prepare him for how hard it would be to finally face Lucas with his truth.

“Lucas – look, I have something I need to tell you, and its best it comes from me before you hear it anywhere else.” Gary started, trying to sound brave and calm as he crossed his arms in front and puffed out his chest, it was supposed to be a stance that showed he meant business so to speak, but actually it served to conceal his shaking palms.  
“I’ve been thinking about our situation for some time, and I’ve come to realise that we really can’t keep doing _this_!” He beseeched in earnest.  
“Doing what?!” Lucas demanded.  
“THIS! – you checking up on me every five minutes because you think I’m up to something!”  
“That’s because you are! I know you are, you’re a conniving, lying piece of shit!”  
Gary laughed harshly, “Then what exactly are you, Lucas huh?! ...and why do you even want to be with me?!” he challenged, feeling either brave or foolish.  
“Excuse me?!”  
“You heard me, I don't get it - you treat me like crap, and after everything you’ve done - well, I’m not putting up with it anymore, you think I’m just going to stand for it, because you think I’m weak but –“  
“YOU ARE WEAK!”  
“Well, weak or not, I am done Lucas”, Gary yelled, “and well, we are done!” he added, although it came out a bit squeaky.  
“Oh, nice try!” Lucas said with a smarmy grin, completely undeterred by Gary’s words, “We’re done, when I say we’re done!”  
Gary was momentarily stupefied by Lucas’ words, and unfortunately that hesitation was all Lucas needed to get the upper hand again, “You best shift whatever ridiculous idea it is in that your thick head of yours Gaz, because I’m going nowhere, and you definitely aren’t. Why do you always have to try my temper like this huh?” Lucas said in a dangerous low voice as he stepped closer to Gary.  
“I…I…I’m serious Lucas!” Gary tried, but still Lucas came closer.  
“You just have to face facts, this is over, and it has been for a very long time!” Gary added, holding his head up high but also bracing himself for the consequences.  
“Shut your mouth, or I’ll -”  
“You’ll do what?!”, Gary knew he was goading Lucas, and he knew it was dangerous, but he also knew it was time for this to all end - one way or another, he'd come too far to back down now. There was no going back.

Lucas stepped closer once more, his face mere inches from Gary’s, his tall statue dwarfing Gary’s as he smiled wickedly, “Or I’ll –”  
The doorbell suddenly rang, and frankly Gary welcomed the interruption - he didn’t care if it was Jehovah's Witnesses, he was glad for the reprieve. He made a move towards the door, before Lucas grabbed his arm, preventing his progress.  
“Don’t you DARE open it!”  
Feigning bravery once more, Gary smiled sardonically at the Blond before he called out, “Coming!” in the general direction of the door. He knew he had just made Lucas even more incensed, but he ignored it. He calmly tried to remove Lucas’ grip on his arm, _‘It’s my house, I’ll open it if I want’_ he had wanted to say, but as if he didn’t feel intimidated enough already, the heavy breathing he currently felt on his skin, told him Lucas’ outrage was so close to the tipping point, he needed to tread carefully. He thanked god, that at least Robbie wasn’t there too – that would’ve just made things 1000% worse, he was sure of it, now.  
“Whoever it is will worry if I don’t open it now – the cars are out front and they’ve already heard me, so just let me open the door and see them off, ok?!” Gary reasoned in a hushed tone, looking Lucas dead in the eye, refusing to give in.  
Lucas smiled dangerously, like he was amusingly wondering to himself just how on earth Gary had got one over him so easily.  
The doorbell rang again, “Yep, I’m coming” Gary quickly called out once more. Lucas immediately let go of him, but grudgingly didn’t budge one inch, meaning Gary had to wiggle free from under Lucas' threatening stance, before he could walk towards the door, straightening his clothes and flattening his hair as he went.  
Gary drew in a calming breath, before he opened the door by only a crack.   
He carefully peered through it, ready to greet the caller, only for complete shock and horror to suddenly strike his face when he saw just who was standing under his porch before him.  
 _Yep, things are about to get worse!_ , his only thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, so sorry for the long wait – life has truly been hectic recently but I’m going to try catch up on writing this story's remaining chapters over the xmas break to try and help me to update it more often during the busy times. Thank your so very much for your patience, hope you’ve enjoyed this chapter – still lots more to come! Have a lovely Christmas :) xx


	32. A pain, or a cure?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So who’s at the door? ;) …as promised, a new chapter – sorry it’s a bit shorter than usual but hopefully you’ll like it! xx

“What are you doing here?” Gary frantically whispered as he pulled the door tighter to him, to try and ensure Lucas wouldn’t glance the visitor.   
The visitor raised their eyebrows, “What do you think I’m doing here, Gaz?! We agreed to –”  
“I know, but not right now please Rob!” Gary tried to hush him, but Robbie was not having it.   
“Why not?!” Robbie now whispered but already irritated, “You can’t keep ducking out of this, Gaz!”   
“I know” Gary told him hurriedly, “and believe me, I’m not…in fact right now, I’m just –“  
“No! No more ‘just wait’ or ‘but give me more time' – I’ve had enough of it, Gaz!”  
“I know, but I’m trying to tell you I’m –” Gary tried.  
“No, I said - no more ‘buts’!” Robbie stubbornly told him.  
“Fuck sake! Just listen would you!” Gary rebuked with frustration, “It’s not a ‘but’ - I’m just trying to tell you I’m doing it right now!” He quickly and very quietly said, before suddenly he strangely felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. 

“Doing what?” Came Lucas’ sudden and unwelcome voice, as he interrupted them from beyond the door. “Who is it? Lucas asked, all sickly sweet as if said with a smirk, or so Robbie imagined.  
“Erm…it’s…”, Gary stumbled as he felt his body involuntarily freeze in response to the mere touch of Lucas as the blond slithered up behind him. Grabbing Gary hard at the hip, Lucas looked past Gary, and pulled the door open to see who was being concealed on the other side. He couldn’t hide his distaste, let alone annoyance when he discovered who exactly was there looking back at him with a fixed scowl.

“What’s HE doing here?” Lucas spat, but to whom he was directing his question, Robbie wasn’t quite sure.  
“ _HE_ ”, Robbie therefore decided to respond, and motioning to himself, “is here to…” but he paused after chancing a look at Gary’s pleading face and suddenly he changed his mind - he knew Gary’s eyes begged him to not proceed. He could only inwardly sigh resignedly before he finally continued, “I’m here to…bring Gary the album proofs he left at the meeting the other day”.  
“Oh!” Gary replied, so obviously surprised and relieved, “thanks” he brightly said, looking incredibly grateful.  
“Then where are they?” Lucas smugly asked, raising an inquisitive brow as he observed Robbie’s obviously empty hands.  
Robbie’s eyes momentarily widened as he furiously tried to think on his feet, “Er…in the car”, he replied, his voice a little higher than usual.  
“I’ll come get them”, Gary offered quickly, but he was immediately restrained by Lucas who pinched down hard on his hip,   
“No,” Lucas commanded, “ _he_ said _he_ brought them over, so _he_ can go over and bring them to you”, Lucas demandingly spoke in Gary’s ear, but not bothering to keep his voice to a whisper, and he kept his eyes on Robbie throughout – the one he was truly speaking to, “We’ll wait here” Lucas smiled falsely.

Robbie was seething, he wanted to immediately wipe the smile off the tall blond's face, with a swift hard punch! However, when he looked at Gary for some confirmation, or in fact, any idea of what to do (preferably, he hoped, the ‘punch in the face’ idea); Gary offered nothing but a simple plea for compliance. 

Disappointed, and defeated, Robbie walked over to the car, with no idea what he was going to retrieve. He opened the front passenger door, only to be greeted by his surprised driver who looked at him with moderate confusion when Robbie began to immediately rummage around the front of the car.  
“Have you got a CD or something, mate?” Robbie ventured in a whisper, while he stretched to grab a folder from the back seat. Inside were some papers from his assistant, that would do nicely. Yet, still utterly bewildered, his driver nevertheless found an old CD in the glove compartment and handed it over to Robbie, bewilderedly.  
“Thanks!” Robbie silently mouthed, before he left the car and walked back over to the two waiting men - but this time it was with a renewed smile plastered all over his face.  
“Here you go” Robbie said, as he proudly provided the items, playing the game. He decided to give them directly to Lucas who was waiting with a hand offered.  
Lucas appeared satisfied but offered no verbal response, and so Robbie spoke instead, “Gaz - are you sure you don’t want to go over that last track now though, you mentioned you weren’t too sure about it, and the deadline is coming up?” Robbie creatively suggested on the spot.  
“No, I’m ok, I’ll go over it myself”, Gary replied, his voice sounding slightly strained.  
 _‘what is he playing at?_ ’ Robbie furiously thought to himself, since from his perspective he was providing Gary with the perfect excuse to use.   
Completely dissatisfied, and convinced Gary hadn't quite understood his intention, Robbie persevered; “Are you sure?”, he said more slowly and carefully pronounced. His eyes widened slightly as if silently screaming for Gary to take the hint.  
Gary didn’t. “Yes, I can sort it on my _OWN_ , thanks”, Gary simply replied, putting massive emphasis into his response, knowing Robbie had no understanding of what he was trying to do.  
“But _you_ agreed that as a _band_ we should be making these kinds of decisions together, as you weren’t sure you –”  
“I know what I said!” Gary sharply interrupted as if irritated, “…but - I need to listen to it on my _own_ ”.  
“But – ”  
“Trust me, ok?”

“What the fuck is going on?” Lucas suddenly barked with irritation, and his eyes darted between the two men, suspiciously, “He said he’d listen to the damn music on his own, so what’s your fucking problem, Williams?!” Lucas demanded.  
But Robbie didn’t respond to Lucas, he’s eyes stayed on Gary, willing to receive some signal on what the actual fuck was going on in the older man’s mind; and Gary’s worrisome eyes looked back at him, but only apologetically before Gary finally cast his gaze downwards.  
Robbie was lost for words.   
But Lucas was not. “So, unless there’s anything else and I’m guessing not, we’ll be seeing you then!” Lucas savagely smirked.  
“But –” Robbie had started, as he put out a halting hand, except it was too late; Lucas had already slammed the door in Robbie’s face.

Robbie got back into the car, and slowly closed the door. A little shell-shocked, he didn’t really know what to do, but knew he couldn’t just stay there parked on the driveway, so instead asked the driver to get going. When they were safely out of the driveway however, he instructed his driver to park half way up the street and stay there. As soon as the engine was turned off, Robbie immediately texted Gary. At least, he was still confident he was safely under the guise of ‘Ryan’ on Gary's phone. He had no idea what his lover was playing at, but after seeing how Lucas was with Gary, he positively knew he had to get Gary away from him, fast.

 _“Gaz – just remembered we need to go through the final sound edits on those final tracks, can you come in today? Ryan.”_  
He didn’t have to wait long for a reply, but he didn’t like what he read:

 _Sorry - no time today Rhino. I’ll catch up with you tomorrow. Please don’t worry. It will be ok, we’ll get all the edits done, I promise._  
Robbie starred at the phone, and tried to decipher some sense from the message formed on the screen.   
But there was none to decipher, not from where he was concerned. Cryptically, it told him Gary had once again decided to go at this alone, and lawd knows when exactly!  
“FUCK!” Robbie suddenly yelled as he slammed the phone across the car's back seat, in complete frustration. He hated feeling useless and unneeded - yet that was pretty much what Gary was telling him he was, in such a blasé message. Robbie was convinced Gary was stalling, and had given in, AGAIN!

 

Robbie had been sat in the car for 25 minutes – nervously poised as if sitting on a knife edge, all-the-while his slightly bewildered but nevertheless nonplussed driver simply sat in the front, reading a paper. Robbie threw his head back irritated, and crashed against the back seat with a heavy sigh, grumbling profanities under his breath; as he contemplated whether he should just drive off and leave, after all.

When suddenly the discarded phone beeped to indicate a new text message had been received.   
With some difficulty he reached over, and retrieved the phone from where it had landed, on the back seat car mat. Frantically checking for the sender, he paused – it was from Gary. He took in a sharp breath and tentatively opened the message, although he honestly expected just another excuse, another delay, another reason why they couldn’t be together just yet…  
But it wasn’t any of those things. 

Robbie could barely believe his eyes as he read it, and so reread it...twice! Just to make sure; but it was true – there was no pretending to be Ryan anymore, Gary’s message was clear and direct to the point...and Robbie could barely contain his joy to read it:  
 _“It’s done. I know he's angry, he's not showing it but I know he is - but no matter, it’s done, and I've done it! I can’t believe! He’s upstairs packing his stuff right now! And I know you’re parked up the road so please can you just stay a little longer? I’ll let you know when he’s gone. G x_

Struggling to contain his feelings, Robbie immediately released a loud whoop as he simultaneously punched the air, while kicking his feet with joy.   
Disgruntled with the sudden bouncy vibrations sent coursing through the vehicle by Robbie's celebrations, his driver gave Robbie a disapproving look as he pushed the paper he had been reading aside.  
But Robbie didn't care, and he couldn't keep his joy in. He was practically doing the Can Can on the back seat! Like uncorking a bottle of champagne, he couldn't contain it! The sheer relief, and excitement he felt, and that complete euphoric sense of finally reaching a goal when it felt like everything was working against you. Robbie felt it all!  
It was one giant step closer to them being back together as a proper couple, and he couldn’t wait for the future, their future! 

Finally, regaining some control however, he eventually texted back:  
 _“YIPPPPPEEEE!!!! I’m so proud of you, Gaz! I’ll stay as long as you want. Xxxxx_

It was barely a minute later that his phone beeped again:   
_“ Thanks – I’m still in shock, I still can’t believe I’ve done it! But make sure he doesn’t see you when he leaves, hide somewhere if you can. It’ll just save us the aggro xxx_  
Robbie beamed down at the message, ‘save _us_ the aggro’ – that was it, officially they were an _us_ again! It was there in that simple message - his dream had come true! In fact, Robbie was sure that if he hadn't in that precise moment, needed to purposely slouch down in a Beamer to avoid _his_ Boyfriend’s ex, he would have simply just burst through the roof of the car doing a gigantic fist-pump leap into the air, Breakfast Club style.

 

He waited, and waited – as patiently as he possibly could in the circumstances and at length, he finally received the signal he’d been waiting for, as his phone beeped once again. It read just two little words:   
_He’s gone_

Two sweet, welcoming, words that allowed his heart to positively soar as it filled with joy, lighter than the air he breathed.  
Robbie however, momentarily slouched further down lower into the back seat, all the while he surreptitiously spied out the back of the car window. Robbie mused contentedly on , how he wished he could have had the chance to see the slimy tall blond twat leave, and finally see that smarmy smile wiped off his stupid face. But, and somewhat unfortunately but not really at all, it appeared he had missed it all, because the next thing he knew, and to his complete and very happy surprise, Gary had opened the side door of the black BMW and in a flash, had hopped in. Gary ignored Robbie's startled look, as he landed a perfect kiss on him. But Robbie wasn't startled for long, when the tall brunette looked deep into Gary’s eyes, he finally saw there was a sparkle there once more, the spark had finally come back to them – at last!   
Robbie was so proud of him.

“I hope you don’t mind, but even with him gone, I’d much prefer staying at yours tonight, if that’s ok?” Gary asked somewhat timidly.   
“Are you kidding me?! I’d love that – let’s get the fuck out of here!” Robbie beamed. Gary smiled and secured his seat belt as Robbie informed his driver to get going. When he sat back down, he put on his own belt then reached over and took Gary’s warm hands in his, with the biggest grin on his face. Holding on to them dearly, Robbie kissed each hand delicately before he pulled Gary gently towards him, and affectionately planted the softest of kisses on the side of his head. Gary smiled back at him, with obvious adoration in his eyes, both so happy, at last.  
The driver pulled out into the road to start the journey, home.

However, obscured from view, and well-hidden from their sight, a lone figure peered out. Seeing the coast was clear he stepped out from behind a tall overgrown Hawthorn bush in a neighbour’s yard, and watched the black BMW drive off. Lucas watched Robbie drive off with Gary.   
Stoic and in silence, it was only his clenched fist that gave away the anger that entrenched his soul. With a dark determination and desire in his eyes, it was far from over, where Lucas was concerned.

******************************************************************************

 

"I still can't believe he just accepted it though!" Robbie beamed, with a big grin on his face, as he walked into his lounge to join Gary. The older man was already on the sofa, lounging with one of the dogs.  
"I know!" Gary said with a smile, "He looked at the CD and called me a liar, amongst a deluge of other cruel and belittling names that he spat at me. I knew I'd had enough and had to go through with what I'd started. I just snapped and told him I'd had enough, I said, ''I don't love you, Lucas and I want you out of my house! Am I lying now?!' - he was gobsmacked! I'm just so glad he left without too much of a fuss, it could've been bad. For ages, I worried how bad it would be, but I'm glad he saw sense enough to just go quietly", Gary proudly said, sounding thoroughly relieved.  
Robbie grinned down at him, and Gary grinned back, before his brows furrowed, "Eh Rob, you don’t have to walk around here naked all the time, you know? I mean, I appreciate the effort but you must be cold mate!"   
Robbie winked and playfully dismissed Gary's concerns, "Nonsense – I’m just airing the little fellow, it’s important you know! Besides don’t tell me you don’t like it!"  
"I didn’t say I didn’t like it", Gary reasoned, "but I’ve been talking to the dogs, and frankly they said they find it awkward" He continued, while rubbing the small dog on his lap, affectionately behind the ears.  
Robbie looked scandalised "What?! But they’re naked all the time!"   
"Yeah, and they have loads of hair to cover -"  
"Eh - so have I!" Robbie said proudly with a cheeky wink.  
"Don’t I bloody know it!" Gary laughed, "Ever thought about shaving your back?!" he chuckled  
"Hey, you cheeky blighter!" Robbie playfully rebuked, before he collapsed on to the sofa with such commotion it caused the small dog to yelp with surprise and dart off and out of the room.  
"There, problem solved!" Robbie grinned wickedly devilish, and he grabbed Gary and pulled him into his arms for a kiss and a cuddle. Gary didn't object in the slightest. 

"You know, it would less awkward if you joined me in the nakedness…hint, hint!" Robbie quietly suggested as Gary sat in his arms after the quick make-out session, absentmindedly tracing the tattoos on Robbie's arms with his long soft fingertips.   
He let out a small laugh at Robbie's suggestion.   
"…No, Rob - I'll leave the role of being ever the exhibitionist, to you - besides it has it's advantages!" Gary reasoned.  
"How?" Robbie asked, confused.  
"Well, this way I get to admire you, and get turned on, and that's what you like, besides you’re always turned on Rob - so you don't need at extra help or encouragement, to be fair" Gary said diplomatically.  
Robbie thought a moment on those words, before he motioned his agreement, "Fair point!".  
After a slight pause, Gary momentarily stopped the stroking and sat up. He turned to look at Robbie with a serious face, "Look nakedness aside – I’ve been thinking about calling the lads to let them know about what happened, what you think?" he asked Robbie.  
"What, and tell them about us?" Robbie was surprised, and to be honest wasn't ready to leave the cosy bubble they were currently in together, just the two of them.   
"No, just about Lucas", Gary corrected.  
"Oh. Is it in the papers yet?"  
"No."  
"Then why bother?"  
"Because they might like to know" Gary ventured, "and besides I know I’ve got a lot of explaining to do about my behaviour recently, so –"  
"No, you haven’t!" Robbie declared in all seriousness, "– not to them, not anyone!"  
"But -"  
"Gaz - they’ll understand that you'll tell them when they need to know, which means you don’t need to tell them yet. Besides, for purely selfish reasons I’d prefer it if you didn’t", Robbie added sheepishly.  
"Why?" Gay asked him with an innocent, quizzical look.  
Robbie smiled, "Well, if you call them, then for starters you’ll be stuck on the phone with them for hours explaining it all, and then even after all that you just know Mark will come around, if not all of them. It’ll be confusing for them to know what you’ve been going through all this time, without them having had very little idea. They've only just started realising something was up, it's going to be a hard hit! It’ll certainly be more than just a quick phone call, that's for sure...and frankly I‘m not up for sharing you right now! Call me selfish, but I just want some time to have you all to myself" Robbie candidly told him, before once more pulling Gary back into a warm hug.  
Gary put up no resistance to that, he felt curiously honoured to be wanted so much, "I have to say that’s actually awfully romantic of you", he told Robbie, "and I suppose it won’t hurt to keep it quiet a little while longer. But I should let the PR know soon, just in case Lucas decides to do something stupid like contact a journalist".  
Robbie couldn't argue with that ,"Fair enough - but let’s just wait and see, yeah?"  
"Ok", Gary graciously agreed.

"Now, let’s get back to this naked thing", Robbie said with a wide grin as he held Gary close to him, his chin resting on the shorter man's head, "I have a question for you: do the dogs say anything else about me?"  
Gary grinned a smile so rich with happiness and love, "You silly bugger!"   
"You love it!" Robbie teased as he began to playfully tickle and kiss Gary all over.

************************************************************************************

 

"I wish I didn’t have to go tonight". Robbie moaned as he splashed on some aftershave.  
"Not gonna lie, I kinda wish you didn’t have to either", Gary agreed grumpily. Gary had been staying at Robbie’s ever since Lucas left. After two days of wearing Robbie’s stuff, they had gone back to the house to pack a few things up and check the house over, but Gary was adamant he didn't want to be back there, just yet and so they returned to Robbie’s for a while longer.  
Robbie was more than obliging.  
Things had been going swimmingly, they’d had lots of quality time to get to know each other again, and plenty of privacy to simply enjoy each other’s company. Things felt easy, like they had before...in fact it felt like before, but still there were some unsaid realities. They knew there were things to be discussed, that needed to be voiced, but they also knew they had some making up to do, for all the lost time, inside the bedroom, and out.

Yet, they couldn’t do any more of that tonight; Robbie had a planned appearance and performance to go to at a private function. He wasn’t currently promoting any solo album or tour, so it would be a simple job: a ‘few old classics, some Robbie Williams dialogue, a few photos and then off', that's what he'd told Gary to reassure him, and himself.   
Yet, still he was hesitant to leave Gary.   
All day Gary had been acting strangely about it, asking questions about who was going to be there, and how long it would be, and at precisely what time would he be back. Robbie has answered it all truthfully, and Gary appeared satisfied, but Robbie was left unsure whether the root of the inquiries was out of a hesitation at being alone, or lack of trust still.  
“Do you trust me Gaz?" His mouth responded to the thoughts, and just came out and said it before his brain could stop him. "I can understand if you don’t yet, but you need to know you don’t need to worry, I would never do anything to jeopardise us ever again – “  
Gary firstly looked confused by Robbie's words, but then his eyes widened as he read between the lines; “No! It's not that – It’s…I dunno, I just feel better when you’re here with me".  
Robbie smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes, "I will be" he told Gary as he put on his Giorgio Armani jacket, "I’ll be back before midnight, I’ll make sure of it. You just stay cosy in bed, put the tv on, and I’ll be back before you know it!" he said, with wishful thinking.  
"About that – where’s the remote?" Gary asked, looking amongst the dishevelled bed covers for it.  
"Oh, I think it’s on the floor on my side of the bed – I think I knocked it off this morning, during all the sweet love making!" Robbie winked, as he did one final check of his hair in a small handheld mirror on the bedside table.  
Gary smiled and leaned over to reach for the fallen remote. The stretch caused Gary’s vest to ride up at the back, offering Robbie, who had looked past the mirror, a quick glance at the flesh beneath, and it wasn’t good. In the briefest of flashes, Robbie saw something that looked like a…well, he wasn’t sure but it didn’t look good, and it had him thoroughly concerned. But knowing better than to bring it up just before he was set to go out, he kept his frown and thoughts to himself for the time being, and finished getting ready.

 

Upon his return that night, there was only one thing on Robbie’s mind, the same thing that had been playing on his mind all night.   
Yes, he worried that Gary still didn’t completely trust him, but that was a problem for another day – right now he needed to know what was hidden under that vest.   
Determined on his quest, he quietly opened the bedroom door, and was delighted to find Gary fast asleep. He was glad he had convinced Gary to go to bed early - at the time he didn’t have an actual alterative motive; but now that he had found Gary already fast asleep, Robbie knew he had the perfect opportunity to take a proper look at Gary’s back. Yes, he knew it was considered an invasion of privacy, but as far as he was concerned; health and safety trumped all that!

Robbie slipped into bed beside the slumbering Gary Barlow, and slowly moved closer to his lover’s sleeping form. Gary was helpfully on his side facing away from Robbie, allowing Robbie to take out his phone and slip under the covers. Feeling part detective, but also part arsehole for doing it without Gary’s consent – he turned on the phone’s torch and gently lifted Gary’s vest. Unfortunately, it was a bit too bright to see clearly but it was enough for Robbie to see the extensive patches of dark purplish colourations, reaching around from his hip to what possible looked like the other side, at least. On closer inspection, he found the dark spots all the way up Gary’s spine too. They were bruises, and he had a fair idea of how they got there. Feeling sick to the stomach, he hesitated before he made the decision – but he knew what he had to do…  
*click* he took a photo, and then another, *click*. He wished it wasn't so loud. He felt awful for doing, and suspected Gary would be really pissed at him if, or when, he found out he had taken the photos, but Robbie knew he must do this to protect them both, from Lucas. If Lucas was capable of this, then Robbie didn't want to know what else he did, or still could do. He truly hoped that evil man had the sense to take a giant and very permanent leap off a very tall cliff somewhere, out of their lives for good.

Robbie was just repositioning the camera to get another shot when Gary unexpectedly stirred in his sleep and shifted, probably sensing the coolness of the night air on his bare skin. Robbie did have his vest rolled up, after all.   
Panicked, Robbie replaced the vest immediately, and slid back up from beneath the covers, popping his head back up just in time for Gary to roll on to his back and blink one eye open - his slumber temporarily broken.  
“It’s alright babe, it’s just me – I’m back now”, Robbie softly murmured as Gary shifted again. Gary murmured and stretched out one arm on to the cool pillow beside him. Robbie immediately snuggled into the space Gary had made for him; his head rested on Gary’s stretched out arm as he rolled into the nook of Gary’s armpit and left a soft sweet kiss on the bearded man's neck.  
Gary mumbled something indecipherable and went back to sleep. Robbie snuggled further into Gary; he was as cosy as could be, but he knew it didn’t matter, how could he sleep with so many thoughts flying around his mind, unwelcome thoughts to torment his sleep, of how those bruises came to be.

 

As the sun finally creeped through a thin break in the curtain, Robbie turned his tired eyes away from its piercing brightness. He had barely slept a wink all night. He had so many questions he needed to ask Gary but also knew he didn’t want to ask a single one. More than ten times during his restless night he had been so close to waking Gary up, ready to demand answers but each and every time he faltered; for one thing, Gary looked too peaceful to disturb, and for another forcing Gary awake only to interrogate him, is something Lucas would’ve done, but not him, not Robbie. He was determined to be nothing like that piece of putrid vermin. But there was another reason why Robbie was hesitant to broach the subject; after all Robbie could predict exactly where it could all lead if he did indeed confront Gary about the bruising:   
_“I saw the bruising”_  
 _“How?”_  
 _“In bed – how did you get it?”_  
 _“I….er…slipped.”_  
 _“Yeah, because that sounds convincing!”_  
 _“I slipped Rob – I don’t care it if sounds convincing or not, that’s what happened!”_  
 _“Well, what did you slip on?”_  
 _“I don’t know, just something - I slipped and hit a kitchen unit, a cupboard…the corner of it._  
 _“I don’t believe you!”_  
 _“Well, then I can’t help you!”_  
 _“Gary!”_  
 _“Robbie, I slipped ok. It doesn’t even hurt now! It’s not important.”_  
 _“So why have you kept that bloody vest on, if not to conceal it?!”_  
 _“I haven’t!”_  
 _“Of course you bloody have!”_  
 _“Rob, just drop it!”_  
 _“No, I need to know!”_  
 _“Rob, I said drop it, or I’ll leave – I promise you that!”_  
…and that’s what Robbie feared, Gary leaving him again. 

He suspected Gary still didn’t completely trust him, and all this wasn’t going to help matters, but Robbie knew if he pushed Gary too hard, too soon, and let his mouth shoot off and say something stupid as per usual, then he knew he could risk losing Gary all over again, maybe forever - and that thought terrified him.

Still consumed by the whirling vortex of his own thoughts and fears, Robbie sighed tiredly. He looked down enviously at Gary still sleeping soundly, and instinctively Robbie pulled the sleeping man closer to him, to hold him near, and safe. He was determined that nothing was going to take Gary away from him again, not Lucas, and not his own stupid mouth – so if that meant he needed to keep the knowledge of the bruises to himself, and along with Gary pretend there was nothing to the seemingly permanent fixture of the vest, then so be it. That’s what he’d do - for now anyway!

To keep Gary, he’d do anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your kind comments – I am now writing a draft of the remaining chapters to make updating that bit easier and hopefully, more regular again in 2017.   
> Wishing you all a wonderful new year, and a very happy 2017!   
> What a time to be a Take That fan! x


	33. Feeling Your Frustration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter, Robbie was left trying to deal with the bruising he had uncovered. This chapter finds him still distraught after the bruising revelation, and even more so when Gary asks if they can ‘talk’. Will truth's come out? Is honesty always the best policy? 
> 
> So sorry this has taken so long! Also beware - this is a long chapter, and there is smut at the end - you have been warned! xx

## Feeling Your Frustration

It had been a couple of days since Robbie’s disconcerting discovery, and he was still struggling with his own demons about it – leaving things unsaid was not a good idea, in his experience. He still wanted to know how exactly they came into being in the first place, although he had a fair idea, but his imagination was running overtime and he didn’t like what it was coming up with. He wanted to have it out with Gary, demand to know what when on between them, but at the same time, his better judgment kept reminding him that it would likely do no good, and in fact, if he wasn‘t careful, it could put everything he currently had, in jeopardy.  
But try as he might, he just couldn’t get over it. He wondered how long it had been going on, how much had Gary concealed for him? From everyone?! He continuously berated himself for not doing something sooner, he knew Lucas was trouble; and after speaking to the ex-boyfriend, he should definitely have done something then - he should’ve got that abusing prick as far away from Gary as possible!  
But above all, he wished Lucas hadn’t just gotten away with it all, like it appeared he had. He’s gone, and that’s great, Robbie tried to content himself with, but still there was that niggle at the back of his mind that he couldn’t shift; oh, how much he wished he had seen Lucas gotten his comeuppance! 

As more days trickled by, and still unable to tear his thoughts away from Lucas’ hidden abuse of Gary, he called Mark. He, of course wanted to tell Mark about him and Gary, but he knew he couldn’t – not yet, and not without consulting Gary first. But Robbie just couldn’t take the secret torment anymore, he wanted justice for his man. But after taking the chance and calling up Mark, he quickly realised how difficult it actually was trying to talk to Mark, without telling Mark they were sleeping together:

_Robbie: Mark, what would you do if you knew someone was being hurt, like physically, by someone they were seeing?_  
Caught completely off-guard by the swift shift in conversation (from football to domestic abuse), Mark took a moment’s pause to consider Robbie’s question…  
_Mark: Oh…er….well, I’m not sure, what have they told you exactly?_ he asked lightly.  
_Robbie: Well, so far, nothing. but I’ve seen some bruises and I know they’ve been trying to cover it up, and act like they’re fine, but it’s killing me not being able to say anything, or not knowing whether I should do something, even if it means they’re going to be mad at me for it!”_  
Mark slipped into silent reflection on the other end of the phone. But after only a moment, he slowly began to speak again, slowly as if he was choosing his words…very carefully:  
_Mark: Rob, is this about Gary, by any chance? Do you think Lucas is hurting him?_  
Robbie froze. Stunned into silence; flabbergasted at how quickly Mark had worked it out. Had he been too obvious?! He didn’t think he had. He’d even pre-written out the words he was going to use, before picking up the phone. He immediately scanned his hastily scribbled ‘script’, to confirm the subject of his inquiry wasn’t too blatant. Satisfied he hadn’t, he could only conclude Mark was a witch  
He cleared his throat.  
_Robbie: Erm….it doesn’t matter who it is but…. why would you even think it’s Gary? Has he said anything to you?_  
Mark nodded to himself. It was about Gary. But even he couldn’t dispute how anxious he was about the band leader. Something was not right, that was for sure… so could Robbie be right?!  
_Mark: He’s not said owt to me, Rob, but I know something is up with him, the way he’s been acting, it’s just so un-Gary-like! And by the way you were talking – so passionately, I knew it had to be someone you cared for deeply…it is Gary isn’t it? – is he ok? Is there anything I can do? How sure are you? Should we call the police?!_  
Mark was going 100miles per minute, and it was too fast for Robbie to catch up, he was still getting his head around how transparent he’d obviously been. But then came Mark’s next line of questioning:  
_Mark: How do you know? Has he said something? Did you see something?_  
_Robbie: No! I…._ (he sighed painfully, knowing he had to lie) _I just think...I mean I’ve seen the change in him too, and I think….I suspect it but…can’t prove it. He’s not said anything to me about it_ (and he wasn’t even lying about that).  
_Mark: hmmmmm_  
Oh no, Robbie knew that sound – he could tell Mark wasn’t buying it. So after stuttering some more he knew there was only one way to go; he decided to at least admit he was fighting to get Gary back. But again, Mark went silent, and when the smallest band member finally broke his silence, it was not what Robbie had been hoping for:  
_Mark: So, do you hope he’s being hit around just so it makes it easier for you to, what - jump in and rescue him? Are you trying to convince me he is, so I’ll help you do that, Rob? Because otherwise, I honestly don’t get what you’re saying? I thought you were being serious?_  
Yep, calling Mark had been a mistake.  
_Robbie: Wait – no, this isn’t some ploy – I’m being dead serious Mark! Me wanting him back aside, I’m asking you if I suspected he had been abused, what should I do?_  
_Mark: Nothing! You stay out of it, ok? No offence but you’ll only make things worse, but maybe I should go around and see him – just to make sure all is ok, and help abate any concerns you have, and now what I have too – what you think?” ___  
Now Robbie was truly panicked.  
_Robbie: NO! You can’t!_  
_Mark: Why ever not?_  
_Robbie: Because, he’s….he’s…not…there. Yeah, he’s not there. He’s gone._  
_Mark: Gone where?_  
_Robbie: Gone…to…his…mum’s. For the week. He’s gone to his mum’s for the week!_  
_Mark: O-K, how comes? Is everything alright with Lucas, is he still with him?_  
_Robbie: I wouldn’t know, I only know he’s not at home, so I wouldn’t bother going there, you could call him though, if you want to check on him._  
_Mark: Yeah, ok – I’ll do that. Look Rob, I’m not sure what’s going on, but I can understand you still feel deeply for Gary, and you’re worried about him, but making things up just to suit you isn’t going to win him back._

Irritated and exasperated, but too tired to argue, Robbie mumbled an agreement and said goodbye. Putting the phone down on Mark, Robbie sighed deeply. He had to deal with this secretly, it was the only way; bury it, and ignore it just like Gary obviously was, and just get back to enjoying the fact they were back together. 

Later that night, after just stepping out of the shower, Gary frowned with somewhat confusion when he listened back to the odd voicemail he’d just received from Mark: 

_Mark: Hey Gaz, was just trying to catch up with you to check everything was ok. Robbie mentioned you were at your mum’s, which I think is a good idea. If you need anything just let me know, I just want to know you’re safe and well, ok? Remember, call me anytime…no matter the hour… seriously! Ok, Gaz? Lots of love!_

**************************************************************************** 

For the next few days, Robbie and Gary enjoyed A LOT of alone time, just the two of them, and with their dogs of course. Although, the bruises were constantly at the back of his mind the whole time, the matter was only brought to the front of his mind again every time he was confronted by the sight of that white vest at night.  
Gary, who had always enjoyed sleeping naked, said that since being with Lucas he had taken to wearing clothes in bed, and it was now simply a habit, and he liked it.  
Robbie didn’t buy that for a moment. BUT he played along and accepted whatever cock and bull story Gary gave him for not being naked, and to Gary’s credit, it appeared that even he was shocked at how Robbie was so willing to accept the perpetual presence of the vest, and especially the significant lack of shower sex without further complaint, even though it was a personal favourite. 

Gary however assumed Robbie was not bringing the matter up again, because he didn’t want to rock the boat, not when they were getting along famously, but still also getting to know each other again. He suspected Robbie was worried he’d leave again, and although Gary hated to think Robbie was worried to bring up such concerns, for the time being however, it served to at least postpone a lengthy and difficult explanation, and allow him to hide his ‘shame’ as he called it. 

However, in succeeding to evade any conversation about the vest and what it was possibly hiding, there was a bigger issue that needed to be confronted, a glaring ‘elephant in the room’, as Gary saw it.  
They were back together. Yet until now the focus had always been about Lucas, but with demon Lucas gone, it did however mean that they now needed to confront their own demons. The issues with their previous relationship; how it had ended, and how to now move forward.  
Although there were things Gary was still unwilling to talk about (namely his scars resulting from Lucas’ ill-treatment), they did need to talk. But the very thought of bringing up the past once again, frankly made Gary’s insides curdle. He really didn’t want to go raking it all up again, but something told him they needed to, they needed to open up to each other about it. He could already sense a tension building in the room, born from all the unsaid things inside their heads. It was so easy to ignore it; make out and have sex, but if they were going to be in a proper relationship again, then they had to be ‘all-in’, which meant they had to air out the demons, if they stood a chance of having a future together. Gary wanted that more than he had wanted anything. He never thought he’d want anything more than his wish to be on Top of The Pops, or to reach number one in the charts, yet there was something bigger than all that - a future with Robbie. 

To get to that future however, there were obstacles and challenging terrains to traverse first, and the longer they stayed hiding away from it in their cosy sex cocoon, Gary knew the harder it would be to talk about it later on, and by then it would likely only serve to damage them in the long-run. He suspected they could comfortably sail along for a few months like this, maybe even a year, but eventually the ‘unsaid’ things would come back to bite them in the arse, and damn it – Gary wanted more than a year, he wanted a life time!  
But did Robbie want that too? Was that what he was looking for? Gary honestly wasn’t sure.  
From Robbie’s past avoidance of the word marriage, to what happened in Prague, their break up, and then Robbie’s ‘spare of the moment’ ill-timed proposal, it didn’t paint Gary a confident picture and that terrified him, because he couldn’t bare to be parted from Robbie again.  
Is it possible Robbie had grown since then though? He wondered. There was evidence he had – yes, he still was impulsive at times, and damn reckless at others. He would still say things without thinking but Gary had definitely seen an improvement in the frequency of such occasions. Of course, he was still hot-headed and impatient – but those traits, Gary knew were just part of Robbie, being Robbie – no matter how old his body got, underneath Robbie would perhaps perpetually always be a child in many ways. Gary found that both frustrating and endearing, but it always made him smile, his Robbie, the man-child! 

So Gary was just as happy for the time being to simply continue to enjoy the moment they were currently in; feeling loved, and cared for - but there was no escaping, eventually he knew, as did Robbie (deep inside) that they would need to have _THE talk_...well, ‘The Talk 2.0’, considering their history. 

It was however another whole week, before such an occasion to talk came up. They were still at Robbie’s – it had just been easier; to avoid paparazzi and the like. Thankfully, it seemed Lucas had decided not to go to the press, and although Gary had spoken to the band’s PR Company about the break up with Lucas, he still hadn’t told anyone else. The only other person who knew they were back together was Gary’s mum, who was so overjoyed that she insisted they come up to visit her for a long weekend. But they had to regretfully decline, for on Friday the band were to meet up back at the studio for the final album track decisions  & sample hearing, and so finally there was a deadline because both lads knew there was no way to get out of telling the other lads then. That gave them three days, only three last days to enjoy their little bubble before they were forced to ‘come out’ (again). 

It unfortunately presented more of a deadline than Robbie possibly knew, but Gary knew THE talk was fast approaching on the ever nearing horizon. Gary felt Robbie could also sense the palpable tension it created between them, since both would often start to say something but then at the last moment hesitate and woss-out, making for more than a couple awkward silences. What had been so easy was quickly becoming painful, and that terrified them both – Robbie, because he seemingly couldn’t understand why, and Gary, because he understood all too well. 

With less than two days to go, Gary knew it had to be done, and if Robbie wasn’t going to bring it up then he guessed he’d have to be the grown up, and just ‘rip the plaster off’ or so to speak; “Rob – are you around tonight?” He asked as Robbie was hurriedly munching on a piece of toast flicking through the emails on his phone. “Huh?” Robbie replied, not overly paying attention. He hadn’t even looked up from the phone.  
“I said, will you be around? – I know you’ve got stuff on today, but have you got ‘owt on tonight, or will you be back for dinner?” Gary pressed him.  
“Er….” Robbie dithered, while he finished reading a press article about his recent appearance at a ‘secret gig’ for Heart FM a couple of days back.  
“Rob?”  
“Yeah?”  
Slightly irritated at being ignored, Gary put his hand on his hip, “Rob are you even listening to me?”  
“Of course!” He said, still paying his phone more attention.  
“Robbie we NEED to talk!” Gary blurted out, thoroughly exasperated with playing second fiddle to Robbie’s phone.  
That had Robbie’s attention in a flash.  
“Whhaa…what do you mean, _talk_?” he said in a panic, terrified of the intention behind Gary’s words, particularly considering (as he then discovered) Gary’s present irritated demeanour. It was true, things had been a little tense between them recently but still, as far as Robbie was concerned everything was damn right near perfect!  
Phone laying on the side, discarded in an instant. Panic now flashed in Robbie’s eyes that were finally now looking directly at him, only him. Gary would’ve been pleased to have his attention at last, if it weren’t for the obvious (and very irrational) fear that he now saw in those puppy eyes staring back at him so intently - as if furtively trying to read his mind. Luckily, Gary was more adept in reading Robbie’s mind, and so he immediately cottoned on to what Robbie thought he had meant...  
“No, no – Rob, not that kind of ‘talk’, it’s just that Friday is nearly here, so we need to work out how we’re gonna tell the lads, and what exactly too….and well, we just need to ‘catch up’ – don’t you think?” Gary suggested, carefully. He didn’t want Robbie to completely understand the entirety of what Gary meant by that – he didn’t want to scare him further.  
“Oh, yeah, of course. Well, I don’t need to leave for half an hour yet, we could discuss it now?” Robbie said timidly, and Gary suspected maybe Robbie wasn’t entirely convinced by Gary’s explanation neither.  
He was right. Robbie wasn’t.  
“No, it can keep”, Gary said with a convincing smile, “How about I cook us pepper steak, sweet potato and greens for dinner, and we can chat about it all then, ok?” Gary said overtly cheerily, trying to keep it all light as possible.  
“Sure”, Robbie said glumly, reading something deeper into Gary’s words. Gary stared at him blankly, before he raised an inquisitive eyebrow, _’you’d think he was awaiting sentence!’_ he thought to himself, “Dinner for 7pm then, is that ok?” he further asked.  
“Ok, whatever you say”, was all Robbie could muster.  
Yep, Gary was completely convinced Robbie knew they needed to ‘talk’ too, and was obviously worried about it, which then made Gary worried about it too. 

Gary spent the whole day planning for the inevitable conversation later on. Gary knew he was steadily building up a back log of work though, and should really be doing more useful things. The fact was, he had been playing it low key since being at Robbie’s – cancelled meetings, workshops, and was still only taking the calls his assistant couldn’t deal with. He knew it wasn’t healthy, he was quickly becoming a hermit crab; and he wasn’t sure who was to blame. Yes, he was still feeling a bit shaky from ending it with Lucas, and something still felt uneasy about it all, but Robbie had been acting strange too, or at least had been the last week, or so. 

Gary needed to get out, and so did Robbie – properly. They needed to stop hiding, they needed to go walk out in the sunshine, and they especially needed to tell the other lads. And for that they needed to discuss exactly what they would tell the lads to sedate their curiosities, especially Mark who would want to know everything. 

*********************************************************************************** 

The dinner sat in the still warm oven, waiting to be eaten. 

Gary sat at the table, watching the candle he’d lit some time ago, and still it danced in the dim light, solitary and carefree, delicately licking the air. He drew his hypnotised eyes away from the flame and looked up at the clock, for about the tenth time already…it was now 7.33pm. He shook his head and was about to release another sigh, when suddenly he heard the front door go and the dogs bark with excitement.  
“Baby – I’m home!” Robbie called, and Gary smiled. Moments later Robbie came bumbling through to the large kitchen-diner, trying not to trip over the dogs still jumping up at him excitedly, “Alright, alright puppies – let me have a moment with daddy, ok?” Robbie sedately said as he extracted himself from the dogs, to slide over to where Gary was still patiently seated at the table.  
“ _Daddy?_ \- what kind of kinky nickname is that?!” Gary asked with a wry brow, and a sly smile.  
“A real sexy one!” Robbie purred in his ear, before he reached down and stole a soft kiss, “I’m so sorry I’m late, Gaz” he added as he pulled away.  
“It’s ok – but we better eat before the dinner gets any colder”, Gary pointedly offered, getting up from his seat to retrieve the plates from the oven.  
“Oh, god – Gaz, I hope it’s not ruined, I really am sorry - and you wanted to talk and everything. I guess we better do that another time, now” Robbie said apologetically.  
Gary frowned and spun around, “No, Rob- we’re still talking tonight, we need to”.  
“But Gaz –”  
“No, Rob. I’m serious. We NEED this! It has to be tonight!” Gary ordered, with a glare that told Robbie, the man would not be moved.  
“FINE!” Robbie huffed with irritation, admitting defeat, “Well, go on then, what do you want to talk about?”  
“Hang on -” Gary said, putting the rapidly cooling plates down on to the placemats before them, “Let’s eat first, ok?”  
“No, you wanted to talk – so talk!”  
“Robbie, would you at least take a bite, it’s still warm but you can put it in the microwave if –“  
“Oh forget the damn dinner, would you!” Robbie suddenly yelled, “I’m not even hungry!”  
Robbie hadn’t meant to yell, and as soon as he saw Gary flinch with shock (or at least he hoped it was with shock), he felt awful. He was taking his worried tiredness out on Gary - even though it could be argued _he_ was the reason for it, but seeing the look on Gary’s face instantly made Robbie feel sick with himself.  
“I’m sorry Baby – I’m just tired.” Robbie remedied, more gently, “The dinner looks lovely and smells completely delicious – let’s eat then talk”, and with smiling eyes he motioned for Gary to join him. Gary offered a small smile in return and picked up a forkful of luke-warm food. 

Robbie tried to finish the delicious food Gary had lovingly made him, but with every mouthful he found it harder and harder to swallow. He worried what Gary wanted to really talk about. He worried about what to say if Gary was about to finally open up about the bruises, but he worried more that Gary wasn’t. 

Meanwhile, watching Robbie carefully during dinner, a frown had set on Gary’s face. Forget that he saw his hard labour practically discarded as Robbie futilely pushed the food around the plate looking for somewhere to put it other than his mouth; Gary was convinced Robbie was trying to come up with some excuse to avoid the conversation they so desperately needed. Old wounds created by Robbie’s past commitment fears were threatening to reopen again – Gary could feel them. The tall brunette just looked so worried, Gary was genuinely afraid Robbie was already deciding upon his exit route. 

Gary knew it was now or (maybe) never….  
“Robbie, I know I said we should eat first, but I’ve lost me appetite and looks like you have too, so can we have that chat now please?” He tentatively asked, feeling a bit like a child asking an adult for pocket money.  
“Gary…I….err” Robbie paused, he racked his brain but had no excuse. He sighed with resignation, “what is it you want to talk about?” he asked, trying to disguise the apprehension.  
Gary could tell Robbie was nervous, and thought Robbie already knew what, and was already getting cold feet. _‘Shit – this might be a bad idea, maybe I’m jumping the gun here?! I mean, things are going so well right now – what if I ruin it all?’_ Gary frantically wondered to himself. His hesitation must’ve been obvious, because he then saw a similar frown set in on Robbie’s face, “Gaz….what is it, honestly – you can tell me. I just want you to be honest with me. I want us to be open with each other”.  
“That’s what I want to!” Gary said with some relief – it sounded like they were on the same page. Gary watched a strange knowing look come over Robbie’s face, like he indeed already knew the conversation they were about to have. Maybe he did.  
He didn’t. 

"Robbie, I’ve been thinking all afternoon, of what to say to you. I don’t want to ruin what we’ve got going on, but….”  
Robbie could feel something pull inside him, like elastic being tightly wound, bracing himself for what he did not know, but was already dreading.  
“….but Rob, that’s just it – I don’t know exactly what we’ve got going on. I know what I want, but is it what you want too, I just need to know.”  
“Gaz –”  
“But at the same time I don’t want to pressurise you, I’m not expecting anything, I’m honestly not…”  
“Gaz”  
“It’s just I think we both have felt a little tension arising between us recently, and I think it’s because we never said what we wanted out of this, and as time goes on, it feels like we are under pressure to label it, because…  
“Gaz, I get that”.  
“But what I’m trying to say is, I don’t want you to be scared or put off about that, I don’t mind if you just want to fool around, I’ve missed you so much that frankly, I’ll take anything I can get at this point!” Gary said with a lop-sided grin, trying to make a joke.  
But all Robbie could muster was a frown.  
“Is that what you think I want?! To fool around?! Are you kidding me, Gary?!” Robbie asked, in disbelief.  
“No…I hope not, is what I’m saying, but if it was then I understand”.  
“Well, I don’t understand! – is that what you honestly think of me?!” Robbie demanded stunned and upset of how little Gary must think of him….or (more accurately) how little he honestly trusted him.  
“NO! But Lucas said….”  
“Oh, fucking Lucas AGAIN! Are you fucking kidding me Gary! After ALL that shit bag did, you take his word as gospel – I can not believe you!”  
“I don’t, it’s just…”  
“Just what, huh?! Well, come on what did he have to say?” Robbie asked, embittered and irritated.  
With that reception, Gary was very apprehensive to continue, but knew he had no way out but to go on, “It’s nothing really, but when I think he was cottoning on to something going on between you and me, he would talk about your past, and play into my insecurities, and well….”  
“It’s just poison, Gaz – he spoke poison in your ear, and it worked I see!”  
“No! It honestly didn’t, Robbie – please just let me explain, please!” Gary urgently begged, the conversation was already getting way out of hand.  
“Well, go on – what did he imply about me, what did he rake up, huh? or should I guess?”  
Trying to think of how best to word it, Gary watched as impatience steadily grew across Robbie’s face, and so he just blurted it out, “Lucas said you like the chase, that you would want me back, to have won that over him, but then you’d get bored and cheat on me all over again”.  
“AND YOU BELIEVE HIM!” Robbie’s eyes bulged with fear disguised with anger, it was everything he had dreaded.  
“NO! Robbie, I honestly don’t!” Gary automatically reached over for Robbie’s hand, needing to hold it, to reassure him – and thankfully, Robbie didn’t immediately pull it away. “Robbie, it’s not that I believe him, I don’t – but I also don’t know what it is you exactly want out of this, you do have a unpredictable side Rob, and maybe you don’t even know what you truly want.”  
“Of course I know what I want! I WANT YOU! I’ve always wanted you, and will always want you! I wish I couldn’t imagine a life without you Gary, but I can because for the best part of the last year, I’ve had to live it, and hated every minute of it! I want to be with you, just YOU - so tell me please, how can I get that through to you, so you know it too?!”  
“You’re all I want too!” Gary insisted, holding on to Robbie’s hand ever more tightly.  
“So what’s the problem? – He’s a fucking liar, a fucking abus- …..arsehole!” Robbie carefully corrected himself, and luckily it appeared to have had escaped Gary’s ears.  
“I know.”  
“Yet, his words obviously mean something for them to still be in your head”.  
Gary gave no verbal reply, only a sigh.  
Robbie studied him more closely, trying to read his lover’s mind - “Is this still about what I did? Because I thought you’d forgiven me?”  
Gary’s eyes grew wide, “I have!” he said, a little too quickly.  
“Oh god, Gaz - you know how sorry I am, it’s the worst decision I made in my life, and I paid for it dearly – but I thought us, getting back together, it meant we were over that, over what had happened in the past. I thought I was forgiven for being an idiot, I thought we had forgiven each other”, Robbie said sadly, hoping against hope that he wasn’t about to lose Gary all over again. But how could he and Gary have any chance of a future together if Gary couldn’t forgive the past? He worriedly pondered.  
“I HAVE forgiven you Rob! I forgave you ages ago! So long ago, I can’t even remember exactly when, just one day I woke up and knew, I had forgiven you. It’s not about that, it honestly isn’t.”  
Robbie was relieved, but there was something off about the tone of Gary’s words, and then he got it – he understood at once...  
“But you don’t trust me” Robbie asked rhetorically.  
The pause was audible.  
“I will get there, Rob.”  
“Oh, my god – how can we be together, if you don’t trust me?!”  
“It will come back, I know it will!”  
“You forgive me, but don’t trust me?! – I don’t get it, it’s all the same thing!” Robbie argued, confused, and hurt, but most of all terrified his world was about to indeed crumble around him once more.  
Gary could sense that too, but was no way going to let it go without a fight, “LISTEN TO ME ROB! It’s not the same thing! I love you, and forgive you. People say if there’s no trust, then what is there – but I know it’s not true, because we have everything Rob, we do – we have a future together, a life, our life, I know it in my heart. Like a wall, trust can be rebuilt, and it will be, I just need time.”  
“But Gaz – “  
“No, Robbie – I won’t let you make excuses for yourself!”  
“What does that mean?!”  
“THAT’S what I’m talking about – you want to know why I can’t trust you completely, why Lucas’ words still ring in my head. Honestly, it’s because you are your own worst enemy Robbie. You say you want these things but the next minute you’ll throw them away out of spite. You fly off the handle, when you hurt, when things are a bit difficult – you always reach for the easy route. To you the world is so black and white. But it’s not Rob! I love you, and forgive you – that’s the easy part, for me. The hard part is the trust but as long as love is there, I know it will come back – it just takes time, as long as you’re willing to be patient and take that time”.  
“I am 1000% committed to this relationship Gary, you have to believe me!”  
“I do!”  
“But you said –“  
“I believe you at your word, for what it is _right now_ ”.  
“But you think that will change - that I’ll change my mind, righ’?”  
“No, but I worry it might, because of MY own demons, not yours. Please understand Robbie, I need time to rid those demons in my own head, and the trust will come back with it, I know. It’s my own silly insecurities, really.”  
“Insecurities, I’ve created.”  
“Not just you.” 

Those words hung on the air between them for a moment, as they both silently sat there on opposite sides of the table, and starred deeply into each other’s eyes.  
“I don’t know Gaz, how does this work? I mean if you don’t trust me – does that mean I can’t go out without you thinking I’m going to get drunk and sleep with someone else?!”  
“No. It’s not like that, it’s more about trusting you know what you truly want. I want a partner, and you say you want me always, but I worry you still don’t quite truly understand what that means. I need time to be reassured, and I need your patience and understanding to get that time.”  
“I get that”  
“Are you sure? Because in the past…”  
“I know that, I rushed you last time. I won’t do that again, I promise. I just want us to be an ‘us’ Gaz! You have to believe me!”  
“I do believe you”.  
“Do you? But you don’t trust me?!”  
“I’m trying Rob! I really am. I have some issues to work through I know that, but with time, I know I can work through it - ”  
“No, Gaz – _we_ will work through it. We are in this together! …look, I know I was a flake with the commitment thing the last time, I was an idiot and I learnt that the extremely hard way. But I want the same things you do, and I know it’s just words right now. But I will prove it to you. You can trust me with your heart Gary, I will look after you. I don’t want to lose you, not ever! I can’t lose you. I want us to be together, always!” Robbie delicately said, his voice cracking with the strain of unshed tears being held back.  
“shhhh….it’s ok”, Gary instantly smiled at him, and brought his lips to Robbie’s hand. A warm gently kiss he left there, “I want that too, I want it so much, and we will have it. We have all the time in the world, Rob – and I promise I won’t get carried away with my work again, too – you’re my priority, and always will be.”  
Robbie smiled. 

"I love you so much, Mr Barlow!”  
“I love you too” Gary’s smile grew wider.  
Robbie couldn’t wait any longer; he immediately reached across and reached for Gary’s whiskered cheeks. His fingers grabbed at the light bearded jawline, holding it and simultaneously pulling his lover towards him.  
Like a pair of magnets, their lips found each other’s and made instant contact.  
After all that hard talk, that had left Robbie momentarily scared he was about to lose it all again, the relief began to flood through him; he wasn’t losing anything, he was in fact gaining everything instead! Gary was his, he was now certain of that. They had so much to work through he knew that, but as Robbie began to kiss his lover hard and with such desperation and hunger, he knew he officially had his boyfriend back for good.  
And tonight he needed all of Gary, and he needed him right now – to taste him, smell him, feel him; every inch of him….to just be with him completely.  
Gary felt the exact same way. 

A deep yearning was quickly taking them over, both were now on their feet. Hands grabbed at hair, flesh and yanked at clothes, as lips clashed like there was no tomorrow. Robbie urgently forced his tongue forward and through Gary’s already parting lips, far from being sensual, his goal was to extract a delicious intoxicated groan, and it did just the trick. Already breathless and full of lust, Gary sweetly moaned and pulled Robbie closer to him, wanting more, demanding more. Robbie immediately allowed himself to be dragged forward but the force and weight was unfortunately enough to destabilise them both. Gary stumbled back, losing his balance, and while he struggled to find his own feet, Robbie took full advantage - he pushed on Gary a little harder, until a hard sounding impact up against the fridge freezer, was heard. Gary released a grunt at the force of the contact but completely overpowered, he put up no struggle. Feeling Gary go slightly limp with lustful intoxication, Robbie pushed forward and pinned Gary’s smaller frame flush against the fridge unit using his own much taller body. His slightly rougher fingers reached through Gary’s more elegant digits, and held him tightly up against the cold metallic door. Gary arched his back and gasped as Robbie kicked it up a gear, and quickly began to ravish his boyfriend’s body – grinding hard up against him, while simultaneously assaulting Gary’s neck with rough kisses, lightly grazing the stubbly skin with his teeth. Sensually seduced and overwhelmed with stimulation, Gary immediately struggled for breath, particularly when he felt Robbie’s already hardened member push pointedly (literally) against the constraints of the clothes lying between them. Another sensual soft groan escaped him, as he pushed his own body off the fridge-freezer to meet Robbie’s grinds, craving more friction as he felt his own cock fill and quickly gorge in the process. Robbie was in the driving seat, but fuck that move caught him off-guard.  
“Fuck Gaz!" He yelped in Gary’s ear, as he felt the smaller man’s hips dig hungrily into his own groin. He rutted against it sharply, and immediately felt a wetness between them. Had he come already?!  
He looked down, and seeing no stains reassured him. Still holding Gary firmly against the fridge-freezer, so tightly there was barely light between them, he continued to grind harder, rougher, until he heard Gary gasp and whimper - the friction between them unbearable, and arousing them both to newer limits! With his back still arched, Gary’s breath immediately hitched when he felt Robbie’s hand cheekily reach around him and grab his arse, squeezing it hard. He swore he heard Robbie snigger too.  
Robbie was extremely hungry for it, Gary knew it, but so was he, and he wanted Robbie to know it. Having had enough of submitting to that man’s lustful torture, and with a burst of strength he energetically pushed forward, and spun them both around – it helped that it caught Robbie completely off guard. Gary heard a thud and a gasp escaped Robbie’s parted lips. 

Still in shock, Robbie now found himself pinned against an adjacent wall instead.  
Gary smirked at the look of surprise on the taller man’s face, before he quickly initiated another kissing session, to seal the deal! In this new position, the kissing quickly grew harder once more, the groping a lot rougher, as bodies were pushed flushed against the other - both hot bodies sweating with desire, stifled with the layers of clothing that still lay between them. Robbie loved a ‘dominating Gary’, but he wasn’t quite done yet neither; so entangled in the rush of lust and carnal hunger, he grabbed Gary around the waist, practically picking him up as he forced the smaller man backwards once more. This time they practically trapesed across the kitchen, haphazardly making their uncoordinated way across the kitchen; their limbs still entwined, and locked in a passionate embrace, they drifted all the way over to the other side of the room, until eventually they bumped into a kitchen counter by the sink.  
Gary released a soft grunt of obvious discomfort as the edge dug into his back and suddenly Robbie stopped, pulled back, and released his arms from around Gary, his eyes immediately full of worry. Slightly confused, at the concern in Robbie’s eyes, Gary laughed it off, “Babe – don’t be silly, come ‘ere!” Gary calmed him and pulled Robbie’s face towards his once more. 

Robbie soon fell back into the kiss, especially with Gary’s gifted finger’s hypnotically lacing their way through his hair. He reached past Gary, still kissing him deeply and grabbed on to the kitchen counter’s edge behind - keeping both him and Gary in place, but removing some of the pressure off Gary’s back.  
Having surrendered to Robbie’s will, once more - Gary had seemed to gladly relinquish his dominance (for the time being at least). Still with his hands entangled in Robbie’s dark mane, he stopped the kiss momentarily to get his breath back. Robbie pulled back too, and they starred at each other breathing hard in silence. Gary’s hands slowly made their way down from his hair to around the back of Robbie’s neck, before drawing one hand around to stroke the front, lacing his fingers down Robbie’s throat. In reaction to the ticklish touch, Robbie released a deep yearning moan as he felt an electric shiver wash down his back. 

If the sensation of Gary’s fingers were hard enough to handle, the shorter man went in for the kill and brought his lips to Robbie’s throat, kissing it softly before licking it – painstakingly, and so sexily slow, Robbie thought he could’ve ‘released’ into his pants right there…  
“FUCK, Gaz!” he whimpered, as Gary’s talented tongue continued its erotic assault on his senses. Robbie couldn’t take it, he pushed his groin forward again, firmly grinding up against Gary until he heard another grunt escape Gary’s lips, and Gary bucked his own hips forward to meet Robbie in reply. Speared on to press forward, Robbie grabbed Gary’s hips and lifted the lighter man up and on to the side, until Gary was in a sitting position on top of the kitchen counter. In this new position, Gary instantly threw his muscular legs around Robbie’s hips and bum, ensnaring him, pulling him closer once more. There, they continued to kiss, lick, and bite whatever flesh they could, while the clothed parts rubbed until they were sure the sheer friction would set them a light (if the raw sexual energy didn’t get there first!)  
But just as things were reaching boiling point, and with quite the cocky grin on his face, Robbie pulled his head back a little, ending the kiss momentarily, as he took Gary’s chiselled, whiskery jaw in his hands, and surveyed the situation. Both were completely breathless, and extremely flustered in their layers of clothes. In between Gary’s legs, imprisoned by a pair of strong thighs, Robbie smirked knowing full well, he needed to remedy the clothes situation quick sharp; and so he pulled Gary’s jaw towards his own once more, but this time began to only lazily kiss him, as he concentrated on removing Gary’s attire instead. First he undid Gary’s shirt for him and pulled it down; first off his shoulders, then smoothly off his strong muscular arms. 

Of course that left the vest, that damn vest that had plagued and tormented Robbie’s mind with worries. He’d had more than enough of the sight of it, and so he gladly grabbed it before Gary could protest and pushed it up off Gary’s body too. Gary, however, made no move to stop him, and instead, very surprisingly momentarily removed his own hands from around Robbie’s neck to raise them up, and allow Robbie to pull the vest top up and clean off him.  
As soon as Gary was freed from the vest, Robbie threw it as far away from them both as possible, consciously and very symbolically ridding them both of the last memory of Lucas left between them. With that last ‘hurdle’ now overcome, Robbie took a moment to step back and admire what he hadn’t seen properly for quite some time; toned abs, hard pecks, a sprinkle of curling hair strands – Gary’s chest was perfect, and he had missed it sorely. He was also grateful to see no sign of bruises there, they had healed. There was no sign of Lucas left – no visible sign, at least. 

Gary noticed Robbie was momentarily transfixed with the view of his own bare chest, and so with a lopsided grin, he took advantage of the opportunity to leap off the side, and force his weight against Robbie, forcing him back once more. Off-guard and overwhelmed, Robbie was knocked out of his stupor and was immediately sent stumbling backwards, now towards the table instead. Gary pushed Robbie against the side of the table, the cloth being dragged off it, and fell to the floor taking the glasses, cutlery and plates with the leftover dinner, along with it. Unperturbed by the sounds of crashing china, they kissed and struggled to stay upright as they still wrestled for dominance over the other; until at last – it was Robbie who had no choice but to get on top of the table, but he made sure he pulled Gary down with him. Robbie was soon lying quite uncomfortably on top, across the table, but having Gary lean over him, still such a dark lustful intent in his eyes, made his feel very comfortable indeed! 

Robbie was still fully clothed, and it was stifling, he needed to get out of his material prison, fast. He began to shift to try and get his top off, and Gary took the hint and gave Robbie just enough space to remove his thick top, at least. But as Robbie struggled with the garment, there was suddenly a loud creak as the table suddenly strained under the weight resting on it.  
“Er, Gaz – no matter how fucking hot it would be to have sex on the kitchen table, I’m pretty sure it’s not up to taking the weight of two fully grown men going at it, on it!” he chuckled.  
Gary took his weight immediately off it, and gave Robbie room to get down off the table, “good point”, he said breathlessly as Robbie straightened up, “So…how about up against it instead?” he cheekily added with a wryly smile, and a wink.  
Robbie had to do a double take to make sure it was Gary that had suggested it, and not him!  
“Fuck yeah!” Robbie yelled with delight and in 5 seconds flat had already dropped his trousers and pants, leaving him completely exposed, and his erect length now proudly standing free.  
A raw animalistic glare, turned into a mischievous grin before Gary grew impatient and immediately launched himself at Robbie once more, it was still a little clumsy, and chaotic, but just what they needed, and in no time at all, Gary had Robbie bent over the table, and was pounding into him hard and relentlessly, gearing up to that sweet euphoria that they both yearned for. Feeling such need and desire for immediate release, Gary kept up the pace, thrusting harder each time, faster and faster, each new thrust liberating a hard grunt from deep within. Robbie gasped and groaned with pleasure as he took the pounding, but it wasn’t until Gary reached around and began to simultaneously stroke (in time with each thrust) his palms up Robbie’s engorged length, that Robbie truly began to lose it. He moaned as the sensation sent electricity up through the very core of his needy body, and frantically he fought back against the pulling he felt within him each time his sweet spot was struck, again, and again, and again. He didn’t want it to end, not just yet, and yet he also craved to reach the pinnacle and feel the exhilarating crash of his own orgasm.  
It was a mute-point however, because he was sure he couldn’t take much more at this rate anyhow! In fact they both felt themselves draw ever closer to their limits, the thrusting, the rough and hurried hand job, it was all getting too much, and pushing them closer and closer to their peak; that deep pulling, the light-headiness and dizziness; closer and closer it took them, pinching at their insides until suddenly without warning and very unceremoniously one after the other, they reached their tipping points. That deep tightening feeling within them both broke free as if the elastic had reached its limit, and suddenly snap! One followed the other as they were propelled into an euphoric pleasure, and wave after wave, crashed inside them, as they let go; coming hard in hot sticky spurts – one over the table, the other still buried deep within – having had no time to pull out. 

Gary collapsed onto Robbie’s back, panting hard as he struggled to regain his breath. Hard grunts had given way to ragged breaths, yet Gary felt triumphant - he had won out tonight, and got his man!  
However, even though after the initial struggle for dominancy, Robbie had indeed surrendered – he had to admit he had secretly let Gary top in the end – like he said, he just so loved a strong dominating captain, now and again. 

A little while later, but this time in the bedroom, the intimate session continued, albeit a little less of frenzied sex fest, and more sensual love-making; they took their time, kissing, feeling, and pleasuring each other in every way possible. 

In the midst of it all, while perched on top of Robbie, Gary rested just below Robbie’s hips and gently rocked back and forth while his lips were kept busy kissing Robbie’s neck. Gary made sure to grind slowly up against Robbie as best he could, ensuring Robbie was in sheer heaven – the contented smile on his face, said it all! Robbie would never have believed a few months back that’d he’d be here again, here with Gary Barlow on top of him, making love over and over again. Robbie smiled at that beautiful reality, but it quickly turned to a deep throated moan when the present caught up with him and Gary began to sensually lick him behind his ear. 

In sheer ecstasy, Robbie dug his fingers into Gary’s hips before slowly he scrapped his finger nails up Gary’s back, he hoped he didn’t leave a mark (well, only kinda hoped) just not the sort of mark like Lucas had left; but he was at least, now reassured that any bruises Lucas had left there were now all but gone, or fading fast  
…the only bruises left now were those still in Gary’s head, and Gary was right – in time they would heal too. 

Robbie would make sure of that! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again my biggest apologies on how long it has taken to update this story. I was away for most of January which made it difficult and then this month was not much better! I wrote this chapter a little too fast, so fear it is not to usual standard, but thought it best to get something up sooner rather than later!  
> Hope you still enjoy this story - more to come, and it's time to tell the other lads about their reunion.


	34. Creating What We Can't Reverse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day of the band meeting - but first Gary has a surprise for Robbie, and then later at the meeting there's another surprise to come.

## Creating What We Can't Reverse

(That same night…)

Robbie rolled on to his back and starred up at the ceiling, with a fabulously gormless smile on his face. He knew he must look a prize-pranny, but he cared not. He just wanted to smile, and keep smiling…   
“Fuck that was HOT!” he suddenly professed to the room that was still filled with the deep collective purrs of heavy ragged breaths. Gary made no reply, he was still fighting to recover his own breathing.   
“I mean we have hot sex” Robbie continued, “but that was _volcano_ hot! Literally – ‘lava spewing everywhere’, hot!”  
Gary chuckled at that.  
“I don’t think that was lava, Rob - I think it was an eruption of a different sort!” Gary gently chortled, still sounding breathless.

“Yeah, I think some cum landed in my ear at one point” Robbie proudly pointed out.  
Gary turned on to his side to face Robbie’s smiling horizontal form, his eyes dark, and the corner of his mouth curled, “You should have told me, I would have licked it clean out”, he purred near Robbie’s ear.  
“Jesus!” Robbie gasped, being fired up once again.   
Gary laughed again, and turned on his side away from Robbie. He was ready to sleep several days after that extreme carnal workout. But even as he shut his eyes, he felt Robbie turn and shift in the bed, as a warm naked form wriggled up behind him, and he was not alone - Robbie’s length began to harden against him, poking him in the lower of his back.  
“Oh, for fuck’s sake Rob! You are too easy to get hot under the collar, I can feel you getting excited again already!” He laughed incredulously.  
“Oh yeah, the little buddy is hungry for ya again alrigh’!” Robbie declared, and began to softly kiss Gary’s shoulder, tickling the sensitive skin on Gary’s neck with his dark mane of hair.  
Gary’s breath hitched at the sudden stimulation, as he struggled (between the sensation and tiredness) to coherently reply, “Are you on a Viagra drip or something?! How can you still be horny?! H…HOW is it possible?!” he laughed, as his breath hitched.

Robbie smiled and momentarily ceased with the butterfly kisses, to lace his tongue down Gary’s spine instead. As predicted it extracted a deep soul-wrenching groan from the older man. Satisfied with the effect – Robbie removed his tongue and wrapped his arms more tightly around Gary’s small frame, seeking out Mr Barlow’s own lengthy companion.  
Gary yelped with surprise as the roaming hands found what they were looking for, but it was no good. He was completely knackered! “Down boy! I’m exhausted, Rob! - Remember I have three years on you, lad!” he candidly mocked, with self-deprecation.  
Robbie barked a laugh, “Oh come on, you’re much fitter that me, Captain – now come here so I can have my wicked way with you again!” he coaxed. His low voice vibrated on Gary’s skin, causing the hairs on Gary’s neck to instantly spring up, to attention.  
But Gary, with honest reluctance, wriggled out of Robbie’s grip and turned around to face his sexually-charged boyfriend. However, Instead of initiating further sexual exploits and erotic favours as Robbie had hoped, Gary instead pressed a solitary finger against Robbie’s lips, “plenty time for that!” he softly sedated, with a smile.  
Like taking a toy treat from a puppy, Robbie sulked and whimpered his obvious disappointment. Gary was just too tired, but he felt sorry for the lad. Seeing Robbie’s crestfallen face before him, he tried to explain; “Look, we need to wake up early, there’s lots to sort out” Gary reasoned, “BUT let’s compromise - if you let me sleep now, then I’ll repay you with some shower action in the morning, before we head off!” he offered, with a wink.  
Robbie’s mood and facial expression immediately shifted.  
“Hot shower sex?! Fuck yeah!” Robbie chirped up.   
Yet, that mere thought (and pleasure to look forward to) had him even more hot under the collar, and drove him on to persist in getting Gary aroused again too.  
“Oh my god, you’ll like a dog with a bone!” Gary laughed, and playfully slapped him away.  
“Bone-r, more like!” Robbie grinned, far too pleased with himself, and still refusing to concede defeat. But Gary had already retreated away from him to the edge of the bed, and firmly facing away from Robbie; he hated doing it but he was just far too tired for any further erotic exploration for the night, “Please Rob – I need sleep”.   
Immediately not liking the pleading tone in Gary’s voice, and especially disliking the physical space now left between them, a dark thought flashed through Robbie’s mind, _’I wonder if Lucas used to bug him for sex?!’_ ….but that very thought turned his stomach – he didn’t want to think about that arsehole, and especially didn’t want to think about (and imagine) Lucas and Gary together in bed. It did no good to dwell. It was over. He was now supposed to be gaining Gary’s trust back; he had to get serious about that, and so Robbie finally conceited.   
Lying on his back, still trying to fight his inner thoughts about Lucas and Gary, another thought struck his mind, “Shoot! – Gaz, we didn’t get round to discussing what to tell the lads tomorrow!”  
Gary immediately turned around, and rolled on to his back beside Robbie.  
“Well, we did get a bit distracted!” He said with a grin, “Hmm….well, I think we should get on with work as normal, and then when we break for lunch or even later on that afternoon, we can tell them about the break up, and when they ask why – we’ll tell them about us.”  
Robbie nodded his approval, but then a frown set in. There was still something that niggled at him, and if he didn’t say anything now, he knew it would just eat away at him, which would not be good for their relationship.  
“– you know they’ll ask about what happened when you ended it with Lucas”, he started carefully. “It’ll be odd if it appears like it’s the first time I’ve heard too.”   
Gary turned his head to look at Robbie, and Robbie watched his face carefully trying to gauge what Gary was thinking, before he continued, “So what I’m asking….what I’m hoping - Gaz, please can you tell me what happened when I left that day you ended it with Lucas? I don’t want to bring up old memories, and spoil the good time we’ve been having but I need to know”.  
Gary sighed, “Rob – I’m tired.”  
“Yeah, and I’m a Port Vale supporter! I won’t give up, Gaz. I’m sorry but I need to know, and as your partner, I think I deserve to know, to be honest!” He said more firmly, losing patience.  
Gary looked away from him, choosing to look up at the ceiling instead, “There’s nothing much to say”.  
“Oh, don’t give me that – the way he was going off when I was at the door. What happened when he closed it on me?” Robbie asked.  
“Honestly, nothing really.”  
“Gaz – come on. How angry was he with you; did he shout, did he threaten you? did he…er…do anything else?”  
“What?! NO! No. He didn’t”, Gary told him. “Honestly, I promise you”, Gary added in response to Robbie’s sceptical look.   
“Truth is Rob, I almost wish he had, just so I knew where I stood, but he didn’t at all; he just shook his head almost comically, approached me with this look in his eye like he was about to go ape….but then he didn’t!”, Gary said candidly, “and somehow it was more unnerving than if he’d blown up at me”.  
Robbie was not sure what to make of it, “What did he say to you?”  
“He just said I’d be sorry, but I ignored him and said I’d stay downstairs while he packed his stuff. He then turned a bit nasty, talked down at me the best he could, with that sickly smirk he always had, but when I didn’t rise to it, he just said fine and went to pack up his things. It was a strange ending….almost like it wasn’t a really ending to him.”  
Robbie didn’t like the sound of that. If he knew Lucas, and he was pretty sure he had the blond slimeball’s number down alrigh’, then he knew Lucas was arrogant enough to think he’d still have a shot with Gary.  
“He probably thinks he’s still in with a chance”, Robbie said out loud, speaking his mind.  
“Hmmm….well, I guess that’s why I think, I mean I have this strange feeling sometimes, like it’s not quite the last we’ve heard from him”.  
“Is that why you’ve not gone back to the house, or even gone out much?” Robbie asked carefully. Robbie was a house hermit, but Gary wasn’t. He loved having Gary all to himself all the time, but he also knew how much Gary loved working, and getting out and about. It wasn’t right for Gary to be stuck in the house, still with very little belongings as well.  
“I…I just want to avoid any confrontation, if possible”, Gary replied timidly, “I know it’s stupid - he’s likely forgotten about me and moved on already, but I don’t know, I’m just not ready yet. I’m sorry, I know I should be stronger than that, and I’m trying but –“  
“Hey, hey, baby – don’t worry about it!” Robbie said, immediately rolling onto his side and pulling Gary’s nervous frame towards his. He wrapped his arms firmly around his boyfriend and breathed in his scent. “Don’t you worry about him Gaz. He’s out of our lives, whether he likes it or not. Forget him, Gaz. I’ve got you now, and won’t ever let him or anyone else take you away from me.” Robbie softly assured him.  
Gary smiled, and nodded graciously. Cosying into Robbie’s hold, he was grateful for Robbie’s attempt to reassure him, and he wished that it was all true, but something told him, that would all be just too easy.

*****************************************************************

 

“I still can’t get over how hot last night was!” Robbie gleefully spoke as he sipped on a hot mug of coffee the next morning.   
“Careful – otherwise I’m gonna start thinking you only want me for my body!” Gary said with a wink, as he poured some almond milk into his own steaming mug. They were in the kitchen, and it was still very early. They had both had a very good sleep after the chat, and now today was the day they were going to finally tell the lads.  
Robbie smirked at just the mere thought of how much he wanted Gary’s body, “Well, although it’s no lie I would completely destroy you 24/7 if I could, you know I love you for so much more than just your body, Gaz – you do know that don’t you?” he genuinely asked.  
“Of course I do, Rob.” And he reached over and planted a quick peck on the lips that made Robbie grin from ear to ear. Gary then went back to finish stirring his hot drink, while Robbie looked on behind him, thoughtfully surveying the man before him.  
“Gaz – I do just wanna say thanks for being the grown up in this relationship, and making us talk at dinner – you were right, we did need that”, a rather coy Robbie remarked.  
Gary smiled, still facing away from Robbie, “No problem at all, Hun, and by god, did we sort it out! Have you seen the scratch marks I’ve got this Morning?!” He playfully chided, but added a wink as he turned to face Robbie, and took a sip of tea.  
“Yeah, sorry about that, I’ll be careful in future!” but he couldn’t help returning a cheeky wink. They both drank their morning hot beverages in a short silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Gary was thinking over the previous night’s activities, but Robbie’s thoughts were a little darker. His eyes grew hard and dark as he starred at the mess on the kitchen floor from the left over dinner “….you know though, for a moment, when the talking was deep – it felt like it was getting away from me, unravelling in my fingers, and I was so afraid I was about to lose you, again, Gaz. It was so scary!”  
Gary put down his mug and walked over to where Robbie was standing with his eyes blankly surveying the table cloth and its contents on the floor.  
“Robbie – let’s get one thing straight”, Gary said sternly, as he grabbed Robbie’s face with both of his hands, and held it firmly in place in order to force Robbie to make eye contact with him, “I know it’s frustrating and I’m asking a lot – but everything that’s going on in my head, I WILL sort it out. I will get past this trust thing, it’s my problem, I’ll sort it, I promise – but know this: there is no way you are going to lose me, no way! I’m not going anywhere Williams. You have me Robbie, and I have you – that’s all I’ve ever wanted, and want from here on out! You have to believe me!”   
“I do! …and me too, Gaz – oh my god- how much I’ve wanted this. I’ve dreamt of this for so long, so much so that I’m almost scared to open my eyes when I wake up, in case I find out it was all a dream.”  
“It’s not Robbie”, Gary said with a kind knowing smile, finding Robbie’s insecurities as endearingly adorable, as they were frustrating.   
“I know. I just – you’re truly my ‘everything’, Gaz, and I know I go on about the sex all the time - which is truly awesome sex by the way, but that’s nothing compared to the feeling of waking up with you in my arms, I’d give up sex forever, if it insured I’d wake up every morning for the rest of my life, with you”.  
“Aww….you soppy git! Well you don’t have to give up a life time of sex, I’ll be beside you in bed each night, every morning, and wherever else you need me” Gary soothed, picking his mug up again.  
“I love you so much Gaz, and I know I am a soppy git…but I also have a good memory, and it’s a good job I don’t need to give up sex for life because I remember a certain someone promising me a certain glorious, long overdue act, this morning, an incredibly sexy and wet one!” he raised his eyebrows seductively.   
“Oh god – must we?” Gary joked.  
“You owe me Barlow!”  
“Fine, go one then – I’ll be up in a minute.” Gary feigned a faint annoyance, for fun, of course.  
Not that Robbie noticed or cared, he was already flying up the stairs two at a time, before Gary had even put down his mug. 

***********************************************************************

 

Robbie nearly skidded and fell over the smooth floor tiles of the bathroom door, in his haste to get in the shower. He turned on the shower head only to leap out again from the coldness. The shower luckily soon warmed up and it was only a minute or two before he heard Gary making his way along the upstairs hallway to the master bathroom with its very spacious round shower.  
Robbie stood under the warm running water, and kinkily watched through the Perspex door, as Gary removed the robe he was wearing (one of Robbie’s old ones), to reveal his full nakedness. The steam was already building in the room, as was the condensation on the shower door. Robbie wiped it away the water that was already obstructing the beautiful view. Gary teasingly lingered outside the shower, allowing Robbie to quickly harden in anticipation.  
“Fuck Gaz – get in here! I need you!” Robbie called out over the sound of the water, when his impatience won out.

Gary smiled to himself, the desperation was already evident in Robbie’s voice that echoed in the room. He made his way to the shower, slid the door open, and was greeted by Robbie grinning like a Cheshire cat. Gary cocked an eyebrow as seeing how hard Robbie already was, and swiftly closed the shower door behind him.   
Robbie wasted no time, and immediately flung his arms around Gary’s strong shoulders, and pulled the shorter man towards him. The kiss was urgent and messy, but it mattered not. The water cascaded down over them, washing, lubricating; covering up the sloppy kissing. Robbie reached down to fondle with Gary’s manhood, intent on getting him as excited as he so evidently already was himself. But Gary battered away the wandering tattooed hand. Robbie had already been so patient considering the lack of shower sex, that Gary was adamant this was all for Robbie, a little special treat.  
“Baby – let me, ok?” He whispered in Robbie’s ear, “It’d be my pleasure to, well, to give you some well-deserved pleasure right now.”  
“Fuck yes!” was all Robbie good manage before Gary planted one long sensual kiss on Robbie’s lips before he very quickly sank south.  
On his knees, Gary wasted no time in getting down to business. He also wasted no time in teasing Robbie, neither. He took Robbie’s hardened length in his hand and gave it a firm stroke up and down, before he placed the tip to his lips. Robbie exhaled slowly, anticipating Gary to take him in slowly, lick the shaft and tip painfully slowly before fully taking him in.  
But he was wrong.

Gary really wanted to give Robbie a surprise. With that, he took him in, quickly and straight to the back of the throat in one swift smooth movement. As Robbie felt his full length immediately slide into the warm welcoming mouth, he gasped in astonishment.  
“FUCK, GAZ!” He gulped.   
Gary smiled and got to work, working his way up the shaft, softly sucking and then sliding back down and practically fully off the tip, to allow the shower water to hit the soft sensitive skin, causing the tingle to be magnified. When Gary heard a deep groan exude from Robbie’s throat, he would start his way up again, licking the underside of Robbie’s cock before making a seal with his soft, warm lips. Sucking, lightly grazing, before nearly pulling off it completely, he was already going at quite a pace, Robbie was already struggling to keep up. He struggled staying upright for one! He slammed his hands on the cold wet tiles behind him, sliding his fingers down them, needing to find a grip, but only achieving a high pitched squeak instead as he felt his finger-tips slip. Each time Gary went for it, Robbie had to push hard back on the tiles, and pointlessly grab at nothing that would help support him there.   
Arching his back in ecstasy and need, every time Gary drew his teeth lightly over Robbie’s arousal – he was already a fucking mess! He wanted to thrust himself, buck his hips forward, deeper into Gary’s warm busy mouth, but Gary was ready, and wouldn’t let him. Gary kept his own hands firmly on Robbie’s hips, keeping them in place, while he kept up the blow job, getting faster, and a little rougher each time. Robbie was going crazy. He couldn’t take it. The feeling was building up inside him. It just all felt too good; he wanted it to last, to live in that sensation forever but it was so overwhelming, he could already feel his orgasm threatening to be ripped from his body in one massive deep throated groan….  
“FUCK! Gaz – I’m comin’!!”  
“I’m ready, Rob” – Gary breathed.  
The sensation from the vibration of Gary’s voice on his saliva-coated, and very engorged cock was nearly enough to tip him over completely, he was that close. That tight need and threatening release so near the surface already, that Gary only needed to take him into his mouth one more time, before masses of stars erupted in front of Robbie’s blurring vision, and his knees buckled, his ears filled with an intense buzzing, and as all at once, the ‘want' inside him converged into one point and he was ready, so ready to let go….  
Gary sucked one last time, and that was it. Half-spitting/half-moaning through gritted teeth, Robbie swore loudly as his own desperate orgasm tore from his body, and he thrust forward, releasing himself into Gary’s waiting mouth. 

The water continued to cascade down their bodies, cleansing them both. Robbie, still pushed up flush against the shower tiles, was fighting to regain his breath, while Gary lathered up a sponge, ready to wash them both, clean. 

************************************************************************

 

“We gotta do that at least once EVERY day Gaz! – that was beyond words!” Robbie declared, a little later. They were both dry out the shower, and were getting ready in Robbie’s bedroom.   
“At LEAST once?” Gary questioned, raising his eyebrows, “Of course, that’s completely feasible, isn’t it?” He added sarcastically albeit playfully, as he applied some aftershave along his stubbly jawline.  
But Robbie just smiled as he watched Gary put a black jacket on over a tight white t-shirt, “You look so good Gaz - you smell so good, too!”  
Gary smiled gingerly, “You want some?” he offered, holding up his favourite aftershave bottle.  
“You offering to douse me, Mr Barlow?”  
Gary nodded and did indeed lightly dab some aftershave on his hands before applying it softly to Robbie’s jaw line and neck. He then smartened up the collar of Robbie’s Prada jacket, and smoothed the material out over Robbie’s broad shoulders.   
It was such a simple but loving act, and when Robbie caught his eye, they looked at each other, holding each other’s gaze a moment, and smiled contently.  
“Here we go, Gaz! This is it!” Robbie declared, snaking his arms around Gary’s waist.  
Gary took a calming breath, “Let’s do it!”

*********************************************************************

 

“What about this one?” Jason enquired, looking at a song sheet, one among many scattered on the small conference table in their studio suite, “Have we said a definite no to this one, or shall we take another look at it?” he asked the other occupants in the room. Howard and Mark were looking through the loose sheets too, but at Jason’s words they looked up to check what song he was referring to. But not Robbie. Robbie was too busy studying the man sitting in a chair in the corner hunched over a laptop. They had been at the band meeting all morning, it had supposed to be final track decisions day, but things were not going well. They were still in disarray, now looking again at songs they had already long dismissed.   
And Robbie knew why.

The other lads were scrambling to check all the long forgotten song sheets from over the past months, but Robbie kept his eyes on the cause of it all…Gary.  
Gary hadn’t told them to do it, the problem was Gary hadn’t said anything at all! He had offered no input whatsoever; no suggestions, no guidance, no nothing – which had consequently led the other lads to now doubt their previous album track decisions. The lads had looked to Gary, as always, for his expertise, and leadership in the matter but instead they found a distracted and somewhat detached Gary. They needed his confidence in the decisions, but now without it, they were floundering.   
Robbie could not understand it. It was as if all of a sudden, Gary had taken a massive step back, and he didn’t know why! Yes, Lucas had stolen Gary’s confidence and self-worth, but Gary was rid of Lucas now, so he should be better! Or so he figured.  
Robbie watched Gary continue to work at the laptop, barely looking at any of them. It was so frustrating, he was perfectly fine before they got here, or so Robbie thought, and he very pleasantly recalled their morning; the amazing shower, the cute exchanges in the bedroom, it had been perfect – so how had it gone so wrong? He just didn’t get it.

Then it struck Robbie that maybe it was the studio that was the problem; after all Lucas works in the same place, and although he wasn’t there, it likely had still affected Gary. As soon as they had arrived, Robbie had checked at the front desk on whether Lucas was in, but they said he had not been in for weeks. Robbie had thought that it was all fine then…but maybe he’d been wrong. He recalled Gary had become quiet after that, contemplative, and somewhat unresponsive. Robbie kicked himself for it, he thought he was doing the right thing by asking about Lucas at the studio, but instead it seemed like all he’d done is rake it all up again.  
He needed to fix it.  
“Hey, I just realised, we still haven’t made the final decision on the title, lads!” Robbie suddenly voiced, “We better get that done, so they can crack on with the artwork – what you say?” he asked them all.  
The lads agreed and approached the conference table. They knew it was between two choices, and so as Mark suggested, they put it to a vote. Annoyingly, as Robbie could have predicted, it was a tie, him and Howard were sold on one name, while Mark and Jason had plugged for the other.   
They needed Gary to split the tie. 

But of course, seemingly no longer the pillar of strength and confidence they relied on, he told them he was not sure. Frustrated and confused, the other lads pressed him to make a decision. But he insisted he couldn't decide just yet. Unfortunately, they pressed him further, “Gaz – come on! You must have an opinion about it! What do you want it called?” Howard asked him, sounding slightly exasperated.  
But Gary simply shook his head, and told him there was still plenty of time for them to decide later on. Jay and Mark didn’t agree, they knew it had to be now to stay on schedule with the label. They told him he needed to make a decision, today.

Gary still refused, and Robbie began to worry he had made a mistake in bringing the matter up, as the others were insisting, almost pushing Gary to give an input, he was unwilling to provide, “Lads I’ve already told you, I don’t know – either is fine by me – you lot decide” Gary said, he voice automated.  
“Gaz, snap out of it alright! You know we need you to break the tie, so just make a damn decision would you?! – it’s ridiculous now! What is wrong with you?!” Howard demanded.  
“Howard –” Jason started, but Howard shook his head,   
“No Jay! We’re all thinking it! It’s not right! Everyone can see how much he’s changed except him!” Howard continued, undeterred.  
“Hey!” Robbie yelled back defensively, “He’s fine, he just needs everyone to stop having a go at him alrigh’?” he spoke up at once.  
“Sorry, Rob – but you’re a fine one to talk! You were the one trying to convince us how much he’d changed, in the first place!” Mark hit back.   
Gary shot a questioning look at Robbie, and Robbie gently nodded back, but cast his eyes downwards. Gary didn’t know what to do; looking up at the other lads, they were still expecting him to break the tie. In his head, he honestly didn’t know why he was being like this. He’d been feeling so positive about the meeting before they got to the studio; and yet since being at the studio, he’d just had a feeling he couldn’t shake, a voice in his head he couldn’t silence. He didn’t know what to do, he just wanted to go home, go home with Robbie. He thought he was ready to get back to things as normal, but in that moment he was really missing just being with Robbie in their love cocoon.   
He just couldn’t relax, couldn’t think straight: what if he made the wrong decision? And he likely would, in this state, then it’d be his fault for breaking the tie, or so he thought to himself. Yes, he convinced himself, the lads would blame him, the media would blame him, the fans would blame him too – he was the band leader after all, when it suited everyone that was. In fact the more he thought on it, the more it began to irritate him – why was it him that had to lead all the time, why did it have to fall to him to guide the band, to take the responsibility?! Well, maybe he didn’t want to any more.

He shook his head, such dark thoughts – what was he thinking?! He didn’t recognise himself! But feeling their frustrations, as well as his own, he continued to crumple under their questioning gazes, and couldn’t take anymore. He needed to take a break, to escape…’just get some air, that’s all’, he convinced himself.   
Gary immediately flew from the room, mumbling almost incoherently something about a bathroom break. The other lads still sat around the table, looked on in silent bewilderment, reflecting on what had just happened - the change in Gary’s confidence now finally obvious to them all, and a clear and present danger to the band. They needed his confidence, for without it, fears began to grow and take root in their heads, ‘maybe the album wasn’t good enough….maybe they’ve got the concept all wrong….what if the fans don’t like it….what if the critics slay it….what if, what if, what if!’ – yep, the severe lack of Gary’s confidence affected them all.   
But even as that same thought was swimming around their individual heads, it was Robbie that began to put thoughts into actions. His thoughts had obviously been a little different to the other lads, for he knew the reasons behind Gary’s demeanour, but he didn’t understand it – Gary was with him now, surely that meant he was fixed, right?! He only knew he needed to see Gary, and so he instantly made to follow him, out the door.   
Except a tall slender form of Jason, suddenly stood in the doorway, blocking his way.  
“Jason, move out the way – I’ll speak to him!” But even as Robbie barked his order, another pair of hands held on to his arms, pulling him back. He turned to find it was Mark’s firm grip that held him there. He shook himself out of the smaller man’s hold, “Gerroff, Mark! I need to speak to Gary!” He yelled, shooting daggers at the smaller man. Mark reactively let go, but only for Howard to take his place, and take a stronger grip on Robbie, “No, Rob calm down! – You need to let him have space, something is obviously wrong. Just let him some air – he doesn’t need you chasing after him, making things worse!” Howard told him firmly.   
Robbie felt anger filling up inside him, they didn’t understand – HE was Gary’s boyfriend! It was HIS job to make sure Gary was ok!  
“NO! I NEED to speak to him! You don’t understand!” Robbie implored, struggling against Howard’s firm hold.  
“Robbie, please you’re just make things worse! He’s not your boyfriend anymore, just let him come back when he’s ready.” Mark beseeched.  
On hearing Mark's words, Robbie suddenly went limp in Howard’s arms, unable to look any of them in the eye, especially Mark, he dropped his head and averted his gaze to the floor. It was useless - they wouldn't understand until they knew the truth! If only they knew the truth, but then would they be hurt when they finally DID find out about him and Gary being back together and not telling them? Would they see it as deceit?!   
Oh, fuck it! He couldn’t care about that now! He reasoned with himself, he needed to make sure Gary was ok!  
“You’re right Markie” Robbie lied, playing the game, “I just…I wanted to make sure he was ok, was all”, he added, still not looking at anyone in particular.  
With a sad smile, Mark nodded and then shot Howard a look as if giving an instruction to let Robbie go.  
“I know you mean well Robbie, but we just need to give him time and space, you understand yeah?” Mark gently asked as he went back to his seat.  
“Yeah, I understand” Robbie said solemnly, still looking down at the floor.  
Jason appeared satisfied and moved out of the way of the door.   
Without even looking up, Robbie knew his way was now clear. But to divert their attention, he made his way to sit back down again as well. Feeling a little calmer, the others went to join him too, but even as Jason pulled his own chair in, Robbie saw his chance. He couldn’t help the Machiavellian smile erupt on his face as he suddenly leapt up from his seat in a flash and dove out of the room, as the other lads could only look on, somewhat dumbfounded.  
“Sorry guys – I will explain!” Robbie yelled over his shoulder as he exited the room and ran up the hall. 

He ran all the way to the Gents toilets’, and unceremoniously staggered through the door, somewhat out of breath, but was relieved to find Gary’s hunched form standing over a sink,  
“Gary! Thank god!”  
Gary made no movement, and acted as if he hadn’t even noticed Robbie’s arrival.  
Robbie frowned as he walked over to Gary, “Why are you still acting like this? I thought you were better?!”  
Gary didn’t even look up, he had been expecting Robbie to come find him. In fact he was surprised it had taken him this long. But he sighed, knowing he owed his boyfriend an explanation…even though he really wasn’t sure he had one.  
“I know Rob,” he started glumly, “Except, I don’t know. I just…it’s not a quick fix thing Robbie, it’ll take time to get my confidence back. I realise Lucas is gone, but just because he’s not here physically. It doesn’t mean he’s completely gone up here”, Gary told him, pointing to his head.  
“Aww I know that Babe – believe me, I do. But you’re with me now. You weren’t like this at mine this morning, you were so excited for this band meeting - so what’s got you on edge, huh? Is it because we’re here? Is it because I brought Lucas up, when I asked if he was here?, If it is, I’m so sorry darling, I didn’t mean to remind you” Robbie gently spoke, and wrapped his comforting arms around Gary’s waist, trying to calm him.  
With his gaze still pointed downward, Gary hunched his shoulders in reply, “It wasn’t that but…oh, I don’t know”, he added, before he looked up, and surveyed himself carefully in the mirror. He hoped to see more than just his reflection staring back at him, he hoped to perhaps find some sense, some hidden insight into the turmoil in his mind, so he could find a way to rid himself of it.   
Finding nothing, he sought and found Robbie’s reflected gaze instead. Locking eyes, he looked lovingly into Robbie’s worried ones. “It was just words Rob, I know - but his words, in some way they’ve stuck fast and I think it’s gonna take some time to dislodge them”. He found Robbie’s hand at his waist and squeezed it affectionately, “I think I just need some time, and your patience Robbie, if that's ok”, he asked gently, “I know I keep asking that of you, but I am trying, I promise you, I really am, I just– “  
“Hey, it’s ok baby” Robbie gently said, “– you take all the time you need”.  
Gary turned around in Robbie’s arms, to fall into a deeper hug.  
Robbie left a soft kiss on Gary’s brow, before he added, “I just hate the fact that man is still having such an effect on you – the bastard! I wish I could give him a piece of my mind, I wish he would get his comeuppance! ….but most of all I wish I could just wave a wand and delete him from your memory, my love”, Robbie told him, hugging the smaller man tightly, before he felt Gary slightly pull away.

Gary looked up into his eyes, and he saw such love there. He smiled sweetly but sadly, “Me too Rob, but its foolish thinking like that, what’s done is done. I got myself into that mess, so I just have to deal with it, and get over it, that’s all! But I’ll get there, Rob – I promise you, eventually the memory will fade into nothingness, I’m sure of it.”  
Robbie matched the sad smile, but it was masking a pensive frown, “I hope so, but maybe…”  
“Maybe, what?”   
“M-a-y-b-e…we should think about you talking to someone about this?” Robbie carefully suggested.  
“What do you mean?” Gary questioned, not liking the sound of where the conversation was going.  
“Well, I want to be the one you talk to about it, and I wish I could be all you need in that respect but I don’t think I’m enough baby, I haven’t the expertise that may help you most. So I think someone more professional would best help”.  
“What, like a psychiatrist?!” Gary was shocked at the suggestion.  
“A counsellor. Just think about it, ok?”  
“But…”  
“I just think, you’ve got some stuff to work through, and you need a place where you are free to talk about it all, and I mean _everything_ , you know, without worrying about what I will say. Maybe a place you can open up about everything, including _anything_ that you’re having trouble sharing with me.”  
“But I’m not hiding anything”.  
Robbie felt his stomach curdle slightly, as he inwardly recoiled - knowing full well, Gary had just lied to him.  
Trying best to ignore the feelings of hurt that caused him, Robbie added, “I’m just saying I’d understand if there was, honestly. And although, I wish you would tell me (IF there was anything to tell), I’d understand if you couldn’t. Just think about it, ok?”  
Gary fell back into Robbie’s arms, suddenly unable to look Robbie in the eye, “OK” was all he managed to say.

 

A little while later when Gary was calm and felt able to return, they made their way back into the studio where the other lads were still sat waiting for them. Robbie had cheekily talked Gary into backing his album title choice. He knew it was cheeky, but he felt it was the best choice, and if Gary had been in his right mind, he would have chosen it too. He was sure of it. Mostly.  
Gary led the way back into the studio as someone caught Robbie’s attention to ask if they needed anything. Momentarily ahead of Robbie, Gary stepped through the door, and as expected the lads were waiting there, looking on with concern.  
Gary knew he had some explaining to do, “I’m sorry lads, I just had a bit of a loopy moment, but I’m ok now, so-“  
“Eh, Gaz – there’s someone here to see you.” Howard interrupted him, and pointedly looked over in the direction of the standing visitor.   
“Who…” Gary began to ask as he followed Howard’s gaze, to the corner of the room behind him, only for them to fall on to a tall, blond and very ‘unwelcome’ male visitor.

“Lucas!” Gary gasped.  
“So here, he is – the fucking, little lying shit!” Lucas yelled, to complete shock of the other three lads in the room. At the sound of that voice, however, Robbie darted in to the room, knowing exactly who he would find there. In a protective manner, immediately and very instinctively moved around to stand in front of his boyfriend, acting as his shield.   
Lucas certainly noticed it.  
“Oh, here he is! I should’ve known you’d be with HIM too, you cheating piece of shit!” Lucas spat at Gary, as he came face to face with Robbie.   
Adrenaline immediately forced its way through Robbie’s veins, and upon looking at that abusive slimeball’s face, Robbie really wanted to punch it. Fortunately, Gary had guessed, and discreetly tugged on to him from behind, “Don’t”, he whispered.   
But Robbie was about to find it very hard to comply…  
“Exactly how long have you been fucking him huh?” Lucas spat at Robbie. But it was Gary that answered, in an attempt to stop Robbie doing or saying anything that could make it worse.  
“We…we…haven’t Lucas!” He tried.  
Lucas rounded on Gary, “Oh don’t give me that, I know you have – what are you so fucking desperate?! – it’s almost like you want to be screwed over by him, again!” Lucas harshly scoffed, his hateful eyes boring into Gary’s timid ones.  
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Robbie intervened.  
“I do!” Lucas yelled, “I was there to pick up the pieces last time, I made him happy – then you come in and destroy all that; seduce him, until you’ve proper got him wrapped around your finger again!”  
“I did no such thing! He’s his own man. He chose to be with me”  
“Please!” Lucas roared sarcastically, “ _He_ made the choice?!” Yeah righ’! You told him to end it with me! Well, no fucking way! You don’t get to win!”   
“WIN?!” Robbie scoffed, “It’s not a fucking game! – WE are in love, you thick plank! I didn’t tell him to do anything, I only wanted him safe, and he was anything but that with you!”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Lucas glared, but at Gary this time. His sharp eyes pierced like they were searching Gary’s for answers.   
But Robbie adjusted his position to ensure he was still stood firmly between Gary and Lucas, and blocked his view.  
“You’re a fucking deluded arsehole, Lucas! That’s what I meant, and Gary is well rid of you!” Robbie retorted, successfully drawing Lucas’ attention away from Gary, and back to him.  
“Oh, he’s not! I’m not going anywhere!” Lucas declared.   
“Oh my god! You really are dumb! HE doesn’t love you, he never did - he loves me, and always has!” Robbie barked back.  
“Bull shit!” Lucas roared in Robbie’s face, squaring up to Robbie; his clinched jaw baring two rows of sparkling white teeth, and now only mere inches away from Robbie’s face.  
It was Gary that intervened this time, he slinked from behind Robbie’s tall form to stand in front of him, and with one hand on Robbie’s chest, he firmly pushed him back away from Lucas, to a safer position.   
“Lucas”, Gary spoke calmly, “I’m sorry, but I am with Rob, and I love him. He didn’t make me do anything. I wanted to be with him”.  
Lucas shot Gary a dark look, “You’re lying”, he seethed at the smaller man, his eyes alight with anger.   
“I’m not, me and Robbie are together now - please accept that”, Gary beseeched, but Lucas was past reasoning.   
Lucas lunged at Gary, grabbing a handful of his shirt, “You're trying to make me look like I fool huh?!” he yelled, as he grabbed harder, pinching the flesh beneath it, which caused Gary to yelp out in pain.   
Robbie immediately pulled Gary away, while the other three lads who had been watching in astonishment up until this point; suddenly leapt out of their chairs and charged at Lucas, pushing him away from Gary.

“Get the fuck off me!” Lucas barked, but the lads held him firmly to the wall, safely away from both Robbie and Gary. Robbie wrapped his arms securely around Gary, wanting to both shield him, but also to stop himself from laying into Lucas, and landing them in more trouble.  
“You ungrateful shit! After everything he put you through, you go back to him – well then you deserve to be cheated on!” Lucas spitefully spat from his new position against the wall, “Well, you can make yourself look an idiot, but you’re not going to make me look a fool - so get that straight in your weak little brain! I’ll make sure of that!”   
“Don’t you dare threaten him!” Robbie pounced and Gary could barely hold him back – the other lads were still holding on to Lucas, but with Gary struggling to keep Robbie at a distance the proximity between the two foes was rapidly shrinking, “You stay the fuck away from him!” Robbie fiercely argued, “You hear me Lucas! You don’t touch him, NOT EVER AGAIN!”  
Lucas shot a furious glance at Gary, and seeing Gary’s jaw slightly drop, his eyes narrowed. Gary shook his head, but Lucas was already convinced of his suspicions.  
“You fool, Williams – soaking up whatever ridiculous sob story he’s fed you! It’s all lies, whatever he’s told you about me, he’s lying!” Lucas growled aggressively, his livid eyes never leaving Gary’s.  
Robbie saw red, he couldn’t hold it in, “No, you’re the fool Lucas - he’s told me nothing! But I know what you truly are! And what you’ve done!”  
“Oh really?” Lucas sneered.   
“You’re a bullying piece of scum Lucas! I wanted to kill you the moment I saw your handy work on him, but I know Gary would’ve stopped me, not for your sake but for mine, and our future together. But YOU so much as touch him again, I swear I’ll –”  
“It’s ok Rob”, Gary interrupted, his face flushed, “he’s going to go now – aren’t you Lucas.”  
“No. Robbie was just threatening me, and you all witnessed it. So if you have more to say Williams, then I suggest you say it!” Lucas challenged him.   
Gary panicked. Robbie sounded like he knew something, but Gary was sure he’d been so careful, “Rob – please, let it go!” he asked, but Robbie’s anger was fixed on Lucas, he wanted Lucas to pay for what he had done, he wanted to shame him – for everyone to know him for the monster he truly was!   
“I saw what you did to him! I saw all the bruises!”  
The room went still.  
“Rob -”  
“No, Gaz - no more excuses, I saw them, I know!”  
Gary’s form shrank and Lucas, immediately rounded on him again, “What lies have you spun? –“  
“He told me nothing Lucas!” Robbie replied for him, “But look here – see!” Robbie said after taking his phone out, he showed the photos he had taken that night while Gary was sleeping, “EVIDENCE! And I spoke to your ex too, I know exactly how you work – you bullying arsehole! I promise you, if you don’t leave us alone, I will hand these over to the police Lucas, then you can’t hide. Then everyone will know what you are!”   
“And everyone will know what a pointless weak pathetic mess _he_ is, which I doubt will go down well with your precious fans!” Lucas scoffed, still unwilling to be silenced into submission, or admit defeat.

Robbie however, merely smiled knowingly, “that just proves how wrong you are, and how little you know my Gary - he’s the strongest person, I know!” he proudly said.   
Lucas laughed harshly at that.  
“Wow, you really are desperate to get in his pants, aren’t you?! It’s pathetic. Besides, we all know you’ll get tired and cheat on him again! You can’t help yourself”, Lucas said coldly, momentarily directing his venom at Robbie, before he refocused his attention back to Gary once more, “And he will help himself Gary, to other cocks and other one-night stands as soon as your back is turned. And you know why? Because that’s all you’re worth to him darling, and frankly for taking him back - you deserve it! Let’s face it, he's stolen you from me, to get back at _me_ for taking you in the first place! I know people like him, it’s the chase he’s interested in. No matter what comes out of his mouth, you know he’ll change his mind! He will use you, and break your heart all over again! You know it yourself, I can see it in your eyes. BUT if you come back with me now, I will take you back, and in time, forget about this betrayal, as you are so easily misguided, aren’t you! I will forgive you, Gary.”  
Lucas’ voice had weirdly softened as he spoke to Gary, there was even something that could be described as love in his eyes; they looked so intently at Gary; as if they were calling out to him, like a lost puppy, so gently trying to coax Gary back to him.   
But Robbie knew it wasn’t love, it was infatuation and possession. 

Robbie sought and found Gary’s hand, causing Gary to look up at him, instead. Robbie could see the pain and confusion there, and suddenly realised this was how Lucas has done it, this was how he had wormed his way into Gary’s life. _’Well, no more!’_ he inwardly promised. Standing back in front of Gary once more, but now the pillar of strength and calmness he knew Gary needed him to be, he turned his attention to Lucas, “Don’t you dare pollute his air with your poisonous words, Lucas!” He growled, “You’re nothing but a manipulative scum bag! Don’t think I don’t know what you’ve been doing – wearing him down, talking shit, making him feel worthless and stealing his confidence to feed your own insane needs - but its over Lucas. Gary has escaped you! He is with me, and I will keep him safe from you! You are nothing to him. You never were! So why don’t you just fuck off, because no matter how much you try to beat him down, abuse him and bully him into loving you, you are never going to have him, he is NEVER going to love you like he loves me!” He finished triumphantly, with his own sneer directed at Lucas, who had strangely lost his. 

Without warning, the usually smarmy, blond suddenly lunged at Robbie, but the other lads reacted quickly and held Lucas back more firmly, “I think it’s about time you sod off mate, before we call the police”, Howard calmly but not so quietly spoke in Lucas’s ear.   
“This isn’t over!” Lucas yelled.  
But Gary, taking strength from Robbie’s words, gently shook off his boyfriend’s protective arms to face Lucas right in the eyes, like he knew he had to, “It is over Lucas, whatever this ‘disease’ you and I was, I’m over it! I’m over you manipulating me, controlling me, hurting me - so just get out of my life, I don’t want to ever see you again, get it – I’m pressing charges and getting a restraining order! Is that over enough, for you?!”  
The three lads then proceeded to drag a temporary dumbfounded Lucas outside the room to where the studio’s uniformed security that Mark had already rang for (during all the commotion) were already pelting down the corridor, to meet them.   
Lucas was unceremoniously escorted out the studio, protesting the whole time of course, and calling Gary and Robbie all the names under the sun, still claiming it wasn’t over. They still heard him as he was dragged down the hall while a security radio crackled into life to advise them the police were on their way. Yet, Robbie cared not, he just took hold of Gary, and hugged him tight, comforting him before they allowed their lips to meet in a soft, soothing kiss. They didn’t even notice the other three lads quietly walk back in, nor their bemused expressions when they found the two of them in such a loving embrace. 

“You did it babe, I’m so proud of how strong you were – you did it, you stood up to him!” Robbie murmured into his boyfriend’s hair as he planted a series of small sedating kisses on Gary’s head. They stayed like that for a moment, before Gary felt he had to ask Robbie about the photos on his phone.   
“Robbie – how did you get those photos?” Gary plainly asked, slightly pulling away from their embrace.   
Robbie surveyed the cool space now between them. Gary was likely mad about the photos, he had foreseen that, but he still didn’t regret taking them for a second!  
“Yes, ok, Gaz - I took them without you knowing, but just so you know I felt damn sick to the stomach about doing it, you have to believe me!” Robbie implored, “I just knew you were hiding something – I mean that constant fucking vest and absolutely no shower sex, are you serious?! So YES, I invaded your privacy which was a real dick move but I had to, I had to! …But how you could compare that and me, to him and what he did to you –“  
“Hey, Hey….” Gary calmed, holding his hands up in peace, with a congenial expression on his face, “I’m not! I’m not comparing it, Rob – not at all, I promise! I just…I meant that…well, I just want to apologise for making you do that and having to keep it to yourself like that, I’m sorry. Besides, I guess it was smart to think about taking photos. To be fair, I wouldn’t have thought of that. I just wanted to pretend they weren’t there, if I’m honest”, he finished quietly.  
“Oh, ok….but Gaz – why didn’t you tell me, we could have sorted this out a long time ago, if you’d just told me”, Robbie gently questioned. He didn’t want to upset Gary, but he was damn frustrated.  
“I dunno”, Gary shrugged, “I guess I was embarrassed”.  
“Embarrassed?!”   
“Well, yeah, to be honest I was embarrassed AND ashamed” Gary gingerly replied, “To have let him do that to me, to let him get away with it like he did. Not really knowing why I was keeping it secret but at the same time knowing I had to. I guess, I was confused - I don’t know what he did to me, but I really hadn’t put up any fight with him, I just let him and I felt so ashamed about it. I was disgusted with myself to be honest, I didn’t recognise what I had become, because of him”, Gary sombrely spoke, casting his gaze down to the floor.  
Robbie shook his head gently, surveying his broken man. He stroked a gentle hand across Gary’s jaw line, before he placed a finger under the whiskery chin, and lifted Gary’s gaze to meet his, “Don’t you EVER feel ashamed or embarrassed” he spoke softly but seriously, “You have no reason to, but he does – he deserves everything coming to him. It was his fault; he manipulated you, and he abused you. He made you feel that way so you would keep his dirty little secret, but not anymore!”  
“You mean –”  
“Yes, you’ve got to go to the police now Gary, just like you said – you have to go through with it. I’m asking you to press charges against him”, Robbie told him.

Gary momentarily starred at him, his eyes transfixed and wide, with both shock and fear. He’d said it to Lucas in the heat of the moment, but wasn’t sure he could actually go through with it if he were honest. It would make the papers, people would look at him differently, and there’d be so many questions. But even as he considered all that, he kept his eyes on Robbie, and looked deep into them. There was strength there; strength he could ask to lean on for a while, just until he got his back - then he might be able to get through it. Gary felt his head slowly nod, before he realised he had already agreed. it just needed to be done. That was all there was to it, and with Robbie by his side, he knew they’d get through it, together. He smiled, and Robbie beamed down at him, before he pulled him into another tight hug. 

“Er guys – I don’t mean to interrupt, but…well, I think you’ve kinda got some explaining to do?!” Mark gently suggested, although he couldn’t help the massive smile radiate from his face, as he watched the two secret love birds embrace before sharing a tender and incredibly loving kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait - things are still busy but hope you're still enjoying it. Chapter 35 - Lucas is arrested, they come clean to the lads, and the press have a field day. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. xx


	35. Don’t Give Up On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. As soon as I heard the Don’t Give Up On Me song on the album, I knew I had to use it for a chapter title ;)  
> Enjoy. x

Gary and Robbie quickly separated, and faced the other lads with sheepish grins.  
, before Robbie finally answered, “You’re right Markie, we do have some explaining to do, I get that – but Gary has to go call the Police first”, his tone slightly more serious.  
“It’s ok – security have already done that”, Howard piped up, “Gaz can go talk to them when they get here, so you’ve plenty time to tell us how all this came about?”, he reasoned, while his face remained neutral.  
Robbie couldn’t tell if Howard was in fact as ecstatic as Mark and Jason so obviously were. It put Robbie somewhat on edge – it wasn’t that Howard seemed unhappy at the revelation, more like he was worried or something.  
“There’s not much to say really”, Gary replied instead, “We’d never stopped loving each other, we just needed for the other to know that, and some time to sort it out really”.  
“But when did it happen? Where? How? I had no idea! I mean, I’m so happy for you guys, I really am, I'm just – I’m surprised!” Mark declared elatedly, barely taking a breath.  
“Wooah, Mark – calm down, it’s only been a little while, we’re still finding our feet.” Robbie replied happily.  
“What’s ‘a little while’?” asked Jason with a strangely steely look in his eye.  
“Eh, just a couple of months, more or less” Robbie offered innocently.  
The atmosphere in the room changed immediately.  
“TWO MONTHS?!” Mark exclaimed in shock, “Two months?! I thought you were going to say two days, or two weeks! But two months?! How is this possible?!” He demanded, his excitement rapidly changing to irritation.  
Gary and Robbie glanced briefly at each other, suddenly shamefaced and unsure what to say for the best. They had been so lost in each other in their little love cocoon, that they honestly hadn’t considered whether it was that unacceptable to keep the news from the lads, for so long.  
“We…er….it was _complicated_ ”, Robbie tried to reason after a moment's reflection.  
“Complicated, how?” Marked retorted, now looking more annoyed than Gary or Robbie had seen him long in a long time.  
“Well, Lucas for one thing! Gary was still technically ‘with’ him so to speak, so we had to keep it quiet, until he broke it off”.  
“So, were you having an affair?” Jason asked rhetorically.  
“Ha! Hardly!” Robbie guffawed, “Gary would have had to be in a proper loving relationship, for it to count as cheating, and besides, he was with me first, so…” He left the senence hang. The logic was after all, pretty sound in Robbie’s mind.  
“What does that even mean?" Jason enquired further, "Gary – weren’t you in a proper relationship with Lucas?”  
Slightly stunned by how the conversation had very quickly shifted, Gary looked blankly at Jason and the other guys. He didn’t have a clue what to tell them. “Well…I, yes I was - but not in the way you think”, he started. Yet seeing their confused faces simply stare back at him none the wiser, Gary knew he had to divulge more, he knew he owed them that; “Basically, Lucas thought we were more than what we were, but I never really cared for him, he just had a really strong personality which made it difficult to be straight with him”, he told them.  
“And that’s putting it mildly!” Robbie added.  
“Well yes, but the main thing is – I wasn’t over Robbie, and although it took us some time and anguish, we just found our way back to each other, and that's what's important”, Gary continued, smiling sweetly in Robbie’s direction, “I’m just sorry it took so long.”  
“Don’t be baby – we’re together now, that’s the main thing!” Robbie grinned back at Gary before turning his attention to the other guys, “And lads – you have to believe us, we honestly were going to tell you today – this afternoon, actually”.  
After a pensive pause in which Mark shared a look with the other lads, a smile finally spread over his face, “It's ok, Rob – like I said, I am over the moon for you both”, Mark reassured him, his mood having fully altered, “we all are – but I am a little confused because the other day on the phone you said you were still trying to get Gary back –“  
“Yeah Mark, that’s because I couldn’t tell you I had Gary back, obviously!” Robbie said, playfully making light of Mark’s naivety.  
“Yeah, I know that Rob!” Mark counted with a roll of his eyes, “But you made it sound like Gary was still with Lucas, especially when you said about Lucas hurting him” Mark said, airing out his confusion, but without really thinking about what he had let slip.  
Gary picked up on it immediately, “Wait – you told Mark?” he asked, as he spun around to face Robbie with an accusatory look.  
Seeing a questioning look of hurt and betrayal rapidly develop in Gary’s eyes, Robbie could sense where this was going. His hands immediately sprung up in a reflex gesture of peace; he did not want to upset Gary or escalate the situation, but he had to be true. He couldn’t risk damaging the trust he was carefully rebuilding with Gary.  
“Gaz – just let me explain”, he hastily began, “I knew you were hiding bruises but you wouldn’t talk about it, and I didn’t want to make you. But I didn’t know what to do for the best, so I went to Mark for advice that’s all, I didn’t say anything else to him, I promise”, he explained, hoping Gary would believe him. Gary narrowed his eyes at first but slowly smiled at Robbie. It was a sad smile, but Gary did believe him.  
“Yeah, pretty bad advice, in hindsight”, Mark chipped in, “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, Rob”.  
“Don’t worry about it mate”, Robbie smiled, “and guys – seriously, we’re sorry for keeping it secret, we were just…you know”, he grinned.  
“Yeah we know, alright!” Howard laughed with a knowing wink, “You were enjoying yourselves a bit too much ey?”  
All the lads had a good chuckle at that, while Gary naturally reached for Robbie’s hand, and held it tight.

**********************************************************

 

“So – did they say he’s been charged for owt?”  
Robbie asked as Gary got off the phone with the police. They had just walked through the door of Robbie’s house after the fiasco at the studio, and were immediately greeted by the dogs.  
“No just arrested, they’re not sure what they can charge him with”, Gary simply said as he and Robbie were bombarded with 'doggy cuddles'.  
“Oh, for fucks sake!! – are you kiddin’ me?!” Robbie yelled, putting the dogs down to face Gary.  
“It’s my word against his Rob.” Gary reasoned, “Photos or not, it’s hard to prove. They said they will try to charge him with harassment and assault, but likely it’ll be for ‘aggressive behaviour in a public place’, it’s just the way it is!”  
“So he gets away with MONTHS of mental and physical abuse?!” Robbie said, feeling more than angered that Lucas was going to get away with everything. There was no justice as far as he was concerned.  
“To be honest Rob, at least this way I reckon we can keep the bulk of the details out of the press”, Gary said matter-of-factly. “I just want to forget about it all, and forget Lucas even exists! Besides, either way – they're confident I can get a restraining order against him”.  
Robbie could at least be happy with that final point. Besides the last thing they needed right now was the press raking up the past again, and he knew it would be if what had transpired between Gary and Lucas did make it into the press. Gary was right, he realised; the most important thing was they were rid of Lucas, for good.  
That suddenly gave Robbie an idea.  
“You know, either way we are rid of Lucas now. It’s time we start acting like that. It’s time we go home, Gaz”.  
Robbie beamed at Gary, the picture of positivity and confidence. Something that Gary didn’t quite share, yet he knew Robbie was right – they had to get over the past. So maybe, it was time to go home.  
Gary just wasn’t sure whether it would still feel like home.  
“I know you’re right Rob”, Gary started, “but I dunno, maybe we should wait a little longer before we –”  
“Move back in together?! Do you not want me there?” Robbie suddenly fretted.  
“What?! No, of course I do. We’ve theoretically been living together already, and I’m more than fine with that…but that place, I’m not sure I’m ready to go back there and face it all yet”, Gary explained.  
“I understand, but Gaz, it was our home first, and I know it’s easier for us to just stay here and pretend it doesn’t exist but it’s OUR HOME, and it’s time we claimed it back!” Robbie reasoned.  
Gary still looked unsure, but nodded anyway, “Fine, but what if _he_ – “  
“Gaz, I will look after you. I’d rather die than let anyone hurt you, can you at least trust me on that!” Robbie told him.  
“Of course I know that, but just don’t okay?" Gary insisted, "Because your fans would crucify me if anything happened to you, especially on account of me!” , he said with a warm smile.  
“Good! I’m glad that’s settled then”, Robbie beamed, as he grabbed Gary around the waist and pulled him into a bear hug, “Let’s go home Gaz” he softly said as he planted a loving kiss on his boyfriend's head.

**********************************************************************

 

“Aggression and Suspicion of Assault! Is that it?!” Robbie was flabbergasted as he read out Gary’s text message from his manager. It was the next day, and Gary was busy reverse-parking the Range Rover into their garage, at Gary's house. He closed the garage door, and walked back over to Robbie, who was already standing by the front door waiting for Gary to let them into the house. Finally both back at _their_ home, together.  
“Yeah, I know Rob, but did you see – they’ll make a call on the restraining order tomorrow, so seems he’ll not be released on bail until then at least!” Gary said sounding more than a little relieved.  
Robbie watched Gary carefully, he still seemed a little skittish about being back to the house; Robbie hoped he had made the right decision.  
As they opened the door, even the dogs were acting a little strange like they were expecting Lucas to come around the corner and yell at them, or something. But it didn't last long, within about 3 minutes of being home, the dogs had made a lap of the ground floor; sniffing every inch until they were satisfied it was indeed a Lucas-free zone. They then ventured outside and were fine after that. But for both Gary and Robbie, it would take a little more time.

“They’re not in there anymore”, Gary said, as his eyes followed Robbie hunting for the coffee filters, “Luc- …er, well, they were moved. But we can move them back to where they were, in fact I think the whole kitchen needs a reorganisation again”, Gary suggested, as he recalled the ‘improvements’ Lucas had made to how the kitchen was previously organised.  
“I’ll say!” Robbie responded, with his head in a food cupboard, “–the cans are in both colour, alphabetical, and date order! Who the fuck does that?!”  
“I know, sorry. We’ll put it all back right!” Gary said, and hastily he began to pull cans out of the cupboard, and swap them randomly around; mentally ridding himself of any remaining trace of Lucas. Robbie noticed Gary working frantically to undo Lucas’s obvious work, and it was more than a little disconcerting. He now realised it was a little too soon after all; the events of yesterday at the studio, were still pretty raw in both their minds.  
“Gaz, stop! It’s ok, we’ll fix it all, but no rush – relax baby”, Robbie murmured as he took hold of Gary’s hands to stop the older man in his actions.  
“Sorry, I just want things to be as they were”, Gary said, his voice quiet and tired.  
“Look, you put the kettle on and go sit down, I’m just going to take these cases upstairs”, Robbie suggested, trying to be helpful. Gary quietly nodded, abandoned the cupboard and started busying himself with the kettle.  
Robbie took the bags he’d packed for the time being, and ascended the stairway he knew well but hadn’t climbed in quite some time. Luckily the bags weren’t too heavy; he’d go back and get the rest of his stuff in a couple of days. Upstairs, he waddled into the master bedroom with a little difficulty and unceremoniously dumped the bags down, hoping to catch his breath. Not before he made a mental note: he really needed to do more cardio.

Robbie dragged one bag up on to the bed, unzipped it immediately, and was about to unpack, when suddenly something on the bed caught Robbie’s attention. The pillows and cushions were organised like they were ready for the queen; arranged so perfectly aligned, and so perfectly symmetrical.  
Both he and Gary were, ‘chuck the duvet on, smooth it over straight-ish and that’ll do because it’ll get missed up later’ kinda guys. But these bed covers were so straight, so pristine, not a crease to be seen.  
Robbie instantly felt vomit rise in his throat. He figured, it was definitely Lucas’ handy work again, but that wasn’t the biggest problem; as Robbie scowled at the bed, his mind began to immediately wander to when Lucas last made the bed, and when Lucas was last in it…with Gary. His imagination very quickly becoming his own worst enemy as he dwelled further on what they had potentially been up to in the bed. The unwanted imagery, very quickly reawakened relationship anxieties, as he felt a maddened jealousy begin to boil in his blood. 'How could Gary let that piece of shit touch him?!' he inwardly seethed. Lucas' smug face flashed into his mind and Robbie lost control – in one swift movement he threw the suitcase off the bed to crash to the floor with a loud thump. Robbie grabbed at the bed duvet and yanked it off, throwing it after the suitcase. The bed sheets swiftly followed, as did the pillows and cushions – one by one sent hurtling across the room. With the bed now bare, Robbie paused and surveyed the mess he had made; he felt more than nauseous, he was actually going to vomit. He ducked into the en-suite bathroom, and ran to the sink. But instead of throwing up his breakfast, he instead took a deep breath. He knew he needed to calm the fuck down. Standing in front of the mirror, he had gripped the sides of the sink in an attempt to steady himself. Four pristine towels on the rack were lined up to military straight precision; he grabbed one roughly, dampened it under the cool running tap, and pressed it to his brow. He took a deep breath, and tried to clear his head. But then he caught the glimpse of a figure standing in the reflection of the doorway behind him.

 

Gary had just been pouring hot water into two waiting mugs when he had heard a loud thump from upstairs. He called up to check if Robbie was ok, but having had no response, he went up to check. Upon opening the door, he was more than a little confused to see the bed completely stripped of its covers, while the pillows strewn across the floor and Robbie’s suitcase abandoned in a heap. He intuitively wondered if Robbie had found something else out of place, and in fact he mentally kicked himself for not coming upstairs first, to check.  
He heard ragged breathing coming from the en-suite, and found Robbie hunched over the sink in there, but when his eyes spotted Gary’s in the reflection of the mirror, Gary could only gulp. He knew something had definitely upset Robbie, but what, he knew not. However, he didn't have to wait long to find out...  
“Exactly how long ago did you last sleep with Lucas?” Robbie asked Gary’s reflection bitterly. Robbie had not turned to face Gary, but still starred intensely at him in the mirror. Gary however, stayed silent, not knowing what to say for the best.  
“Answer my question Gary, when was the last time Lucas was in your bed? …OUR bed!” Robbie seethed through clinched teeth.  
Gary’s eyes widened, “Rob, I know what you're thinking. But come on! You know I wasn’t ‘sleeping’ with him after you and I got back together!” Gary tried to reason.  
“Do I?!” Robbie replied coldly.  
“You told me you didn’t like me sharing a bed with him, so I made excuses to deter him, and it mostly worked, but even when it didn’t I certainly didn’t have sex with him, I wouldn’t do that to you!” Gary explained, in good conscience.  
“You mean, like what I did to you? Because I’m the only one in this relationship that can’t be trusted righ’?!”  
“What’s that supposed to even mean? What are you insinuating?” Gary asked, genuinely confused.  
“It means, it’s not like you could stop him doing much else to you, is it?! Are you honestly telling me you were able to say no to him, and actually keep him at bay! I doubt it!” Robbie snorted, “And frankly all the bruises, would testify to that! The same bruises, might I add that had you lie to me for months, by covering up with that bloody vest!” he fumed.  
Upon reflection, a little too severely than what he meant, or felt.

Gary tried to mask his shock but failed, “That’s not fair, Rob!” he snapped.  
“NO! You know what’s not fair – finding that sorry excuse for a man’s ‘calling card’ on everything that _was_ ours! Do you realise how much that hurts?!” Robbie cried, his voice cracking with the emotion.  
“I know that Robbie, but it’s over now – he’s out of our lives, he’s in the past – just like YOU said!” Gary tried, and stepped closer to Robbie in hope of defusing the situation. But Robbie simply flinched away from him, and averted his eyes downwards - not even willing to look at Gary’s reflection in that moment. “I know what I said Gary, but it’s hard when I walk in here and see how perfectly cosy he’s left the bed, he blatantly slept in, with you!”  
“How he’s left the bed? – what are you on about?” Gary asked, even more confused.  
“He obviously made it, it had his tell-tale signs all over it!” Robbie claimed, assuredly.  
“That’s not possible”, Gary reasoned, although he spoke so quiet, he was almost talking to himself.  
“Gary – this isn’t even about the bed! I can’t help thinking about you and him together, picturing you together in bed. I hate myself for doing it, but I can’t help it. It makes me sick to think of that man’s hands on you!” Robbie admitted painfully.  
His admission was however, met by silence.  
Gary simply didn’t know what to do.  
Instead, the words hang in the air, and in their heads, until eventually Robbie himself broke the tense silence that now lay between them.  
“Maybe I was wrong – we shouldn’t have come back here so soon”, Robbie said glumly, still staring into the empty sink.  
“I don’t know what to say, Rob – do you want me to sell the place? Because I will.” Gary told him.  
“Don’t be stupid, this is our house. I just…I’m not as ok about you and Lucas as I thought I was”, Robbie said quietly.  
Gary was at a complete loss, but was forced to voice the one deep concern that had crept into his head, “So where does that leave us, Rob?” he asked, but not knowing whether he actually wanted to hear an answer.  
“I dunno Gaz – what do you want me to say? That I’m ok, when I’m not?!” Robbie huffed.  
“No. I just don’t understand what you want me to do.” Gary replied, his voice strained to sound even, “You knew I’d been with Lucas when we got back together, so I don’t understand what’s changed?”  
“So you think this is MY problem?! The fact that I’m finding it hard to deal with you choosing to sleep with a manipulative, conniving, abusing psychopath! The onus is still on me, as fucking usual!” Robbie yelled, finally turning to face Gary with flushed cheeks.  
“I didn’t say that”, Gary retorted defensively.  
“You’re making me feel like I’m at fault for feeling something I can’t help!”  
“I’m not, Rob! You’re the one that’s managing to have an argument all by yourself” Gary told him with a levelled tone.  
“Because you're the one who's basically invalidating my feelings!” Robbie argued back.  
“I’ve done no such thing. I said, I’d sell the house – how is that not validating it?” Gary reasoned.  
“What’s the point?!” Robbie huffed, as he turned back to the mirror once more, “It won’t solve anything, not really” he added.  
Gary quietly observed the man in front of him. A man he deeply loved, but couldn’t fathom sometimes. “Don’t do this Rob – I know it’s a bit complicated, but you sound like you’re already giving up on us.” His voice quiet and pleading.  
Robbie scoffed and tuned back to face Gary, “Me giving up?! You’re the one who says you can’t even trust me! Now tell me who's given up!” Robbie retaliated.  
“Rob - I said I need time, and you said you’d give me time. If you had a problem with it – why did you agree?!”  
"Because now I’m wondering if you will actually ever trust me”, Robbie said, looking Gary in the eyes, as he searched for an answer.  
“I will Rob...I do, it’s just...well, it’s hard to explain” Gary tried.  
“Try”, said Robbie, simply but firmly.  
“Well, for starters – you said you hate picturing me and Lucas together. Well, it’s the same for me, with you and that…guy.”  
“Except I know what Lucas looks like!” Robbie commented under his breath.  
“That doesn’t matter.”  
“It does! It’s not the same Gaz!” Robbie implored.  
“No, you’re right! We were together in what I thought was a committed relationship, when you shagged someone else!” Gary shortly replied, now irritated.  
“Yeah, and you ‘shagged’ someone else to get back at me, and don’t pretend you didn’t!” Robbie mocked.  
“I won’t!” Gary yelled, before he paused and took a cleansing breath.  
A new silence fell between them.  
“Oh! This is so stupid, Rob." Gary suddenly said with a sigh; he didn’t want to fight with Robbie. "We’re going over the same old stuff. We can’t keep doing this.”  
“You’re right” Robbie tiredly replied after a moment, His head bowed, his face in his hands, “….maybe we’re kidding ourselves”.  
Gary looked at him in shock, before he pulled Robbie’s hands away from covering his face, and looked him straight in the eye, “There you go again! Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing! What you always do!” he muttered.  
“What’s that then?” Robbie asked, as he folded his arms defiantly.  
“Changing your mind – after everything you said, everything you promised – you’re going back on your word!”, Gary's voice cracked.  
“ME going back on MY word?!” Robbie harshly laughed as he shook his head in disbelief, “You say you’ll trust me but you never will – admit it! I saw your face when Lucas was spouting rubbish about me 'liking the chase', saying that’d I’d cheat on you again. You believe him, don’t you? – you genuinely think I’d cheat again!” Robbie accused him.  
“That’s not true.”  
“Don’t lie!”  
“I’m not lying, Robbie. I know you won’t cheat on me again”.  
“Then why do you need time, huh? If you know that already, why don’t you fully trust me now?!” Robbie reasoned.  
“I…I just need -” Gary stuttered, “I need to be sure s’all…so you don’t take me for granted again”. It wasn’t how it was meant to come out, and Gary immediately knew how bad that sounded, or more accurately - how Robbie would take it.  
“So you’re playing with me, making me sweat all this time, just to get back at me!” Robbie yelled in hurt.  
“No I'm not! That just came out wrong” Gary struggled, “Look - this is so stupid! I didn’t mean it like that! Just hang on, let me explain”.  
“No, maybe you’re just finally speaking the truth!” Robbie countered, “You know what, I can’t do this! I need air, and some TIME myself!” He told Gary, as he moved towards the door.  
Gary followed him, “Rob – don’t do this, you promised you wouldn’t do this to us!” he beseeched.  
“Do what?! Speak my mind!” Robbie challenged as he made his way to the staircase.  
“No”, Gary replied, as he darted in front of Robbie and blocked his way from going down the stairs, “Please don’t Rob - you promised –”  
“Get out of my way Gary!” Robbie demanded and watched with mild surprise as Gary did immediately dart out of his way but continued in his pursuit;  
“Rob! Don’t do this please!” he called after him, as Robbie was already rapidly descending the stairs.  
“I need air, Gaz!”  
Gary, having followed Robbie down the stairs however, darted straight towards the door, desperate to stop Robbie from leaving through it.  
“Don’t go, please! This is so silly. It was just a bed!” Gary begged, his weight pushed against the front door, blocking Robbie’s exit.  
“I need you to get out of my way! …and don’t dare follow me, just stay here.” Robbie ordered coldly.  
"No, Rob - don't leave me!"  
“Gaz…I'm not, but don't you get it?! I just need some space from you, before I say something you really won't like!”  
Robbie hadn’t meant it to sound so harsh, and immediately regretted his words when he saw Gary visibly shrink from him like a scolded child. Robbie wanted to take it all back but a sickly sweet taste in his mouth, wouldn’t let him go back. So as soon as Gary stepped away from him, he continued out of the door, and didn’t even look back.  
Although it had killed Robbie to do it.

 

Gary was so confused, how had everything gone sour so quickly, he dwelled. It didn’t make sense. But he grudgingly closed the door once Robbie was out of sight, however still feeling insecure, in more ways than one, he armed the alarm. He didn't linger long; he left the undrunk mugs of hot tea still in the kitchen, and walked back upstairs.  
Once back in the bedroom, he picked up the pile of bed sheets to put in the laundry basket, before finding a clean set of sheets in the drawer. He then proceeded to re-make the bed. He just had to do something.

 

Meanwhile, downstairs; the front door opened quietly. The alarm was triggered but also immediately disarmed with a code. Gary’s abandoned phone still on the kitchen counter where Robbie had left it, was swiftly switched off and delicately placed in a drawer, while the French doors were bolted locked, leaving the dogs safe outside in the back garden by themselves.  
Gary, still upstairs in the master bedroom, continued making the bed up, regardless of the additional presence now unknowingly inside his house.

**************************************************************************

 

Robbie honestly didn’t know what he was playing at. He didn’t want to storm out like that, he didn’t want time away from Gary, and he certainly didn’t want to break up with him. The situation had just become too much for him, and especially the feelings it invoked. Gary had been in a relationship with another man, a despicable man, and there was no accounting for Gary’s taste – he, himself was proof of that, he conceded. But even though he knew sex was part of the parcel in that relationship; being confronted by the reality of it, seeing that bed with Lucas’ ‘trademark’ all over it – it just got to him, more than he realised it could. He simply hated the thought of Gary with Lucas. Meaning moving back to where he would be reminded of it all would certainly be more of challenge than he had previously contemplated. He now regretted first suggesting the idea.  
But it had been HIS suggestion, he recalled; and now he was seemingly blaming Gary for the repercussions of that decision.  
It struck him how he really was an arse, sometimes.

Having already walked a fair distance away from the house already, Robbie instinctively turned around to immediately head back when he felt his phone vibrate in a back pocket. Retrieving it, he then noticed he had two missed calls already, and Mark was presently calling him.

“Hey Mark” he said, picking up the call, and rather unenthusiastically it had to be said.  
_Mark: Rob, everything ok?_  
_Robbie: Everything’s fine_  
Mark wasn’t convinced.  
_Mark: Look Rob, I wanted to apologise if I dropped you in it with Gary yesterday, when I mentioned you had spoken to me about Lucas hurting him._  
_Robbie: Don’t worry Markie, you didn’t. He was fine about it actually. It’s certainly the least of my worries now._  
There was a pause where Robbie released a loud involuntary sigh.  
_Mark: Are you sure you’re alright? You sound strange – what’s going on?_  
_Robbie: I said everything’s fine. I’m just being an idiot as usual. I better go back and sort it out with Gaz, I was a bit of an arse to him._  
_Mark: Well, as long as you do sort it out rather than get into another argument._  
_Robbie: What do you mean?_  
_Mark: Rob, I more than anyone, am so happy you and Gary are back together. I couldn’t be happier, but once again it reminds me how much WE’RE ALL heavily invested in your relationship – particularly with the new album coming out._  
_Robbie: Nothing will affect our work, and Take That. You know Gary is really adamant about that, even if I’m a bit of a numpty from time to time!_  
_Mark: Yeah, but Gary isn’t himself right now. He’s lost a lot of confidence since this stuff with Lucas, and well, I don’t want to put him under added pressure_.  
_Robbie: I don’t want that either! I’ll look after him._  
_Mark: I know, but he only yesterday had to deal with the confrontation with Lucas, plus then speaking candidly to the police about it all; yet today you’ve already had an argument and walked out on him. Can you honestly tell me you’re in the right frame of mind to talk to him sensibly right now?_  
_Robbie: How did you know I’d walked out?_  
_Mark: I can hear the traffic_  
Robbie huffed and sighed once more. He needed to speak to Gary about it, but maybe using Mark as a sound board first wasn’t a bad idea.  
_Robbie: I got a bit upset thinking about Gary and Lucas in bed together, it’s stupid I know – of course they slept together but I can feel Lucas’ presence in that house. It makes my skin crawl, and makes me kinda resent Gary, which I know isn't fair but he did let Lucas into our home in the first place._  
Mark was silent, contemplating for some moments, and long enough for Robbie to consider whether Mark was still there at all.  
_Mark: It’s something you’re just going to have to get over, otherwise it’ll eat you up on the inside, Rob._  
_Robbie: Yeah, I know._  
_Mark: Look, I’ve got an idea! Pop around here for a bit - so you're not just festering on it all inside you own mind, like you're prone to do, and you know that's true! Besides, It'll give you both some space, and clear your head proper!_  
Robbie was hesitant, in his heart he just wanted to immediately go back home to Gary, but his head knew Mark was right. The last thing he wanted was to get into another argument with Gary. He needed to clear his head. 

A little while later, Robbie was in a taxi cab and on his way to Mark’s. For a moment, he considered calling Gary to let him know, but knew that would only raise more questions from his boyfriend; questions he wasn’t ready to answer sensibly yet. So he let the moment pass. 

********************************************************************

 

“I know you love him, Rob – but we also have to think about what Gary needs right now, and that takes more than love”, Mark said evenly.  
As soon as Robbie had arrived at Mark’s, he wasted no time in relaying what had happened. Mark had been understanding, and supportive without judgement. But there was no denying, Mark felt strongly, just as they all did, of each band member’s welfare; and right now he worried Robbie and Gary were going too fast, trying to make up for lost time, or pretend it never happened. He didn’t think it was in their best interests, and by extension, the band’s.  
“Mark – I know he needs more than love, but he does need me - just as I need him! He needs my strength when he has none, just like I’ve relied on him to help me back up to my feet over the years. I will do the same for him.” Robbie implored.  
“I know all that, and I don’t deny it,” Mark told him, “but don’t you realise the mixed signals you’re giving him?! Because, you’re right, he does need you, and you’re saying all the right things to me here, just as you said them to him at the studio yesterday, but then your actions today say something else.”  
“I know, but I just can’t shut down my emotions, and my imagination for that matter - I’m only human! I can be foolish, and I have an ego – and yes, I just don’t like the thought of him being with another man”, Rob conceded.  
“I know, it’s natural”. Mark offered.  
“But it’s not just that. It’s everything that’s happened, Mark. I feel responsible, and I’d give anything for him not to have gone through what he has at the hands of that putrid excuse for a human being!”  
“I know you would, but you can’t turn back time, Rob” Mark reasoned, “He made his choices, as did you. But you've both chosen to be with each other, and what he needs right now is to be able to depend on you, and trust you, and for that, you need to trust him too. I know he kept the bruises from you. But do you honestly think he’d do anything to hurt you, or intentionally betray you? Has he ever given you any cause to think he would?”  
“No”, Rob said truthfully.  
“He needs to know the same about you, and he needs time and evidence of just that, so cut him some slack, trust him, and he will trust you, Rob”. Mark said bluntly, his words strong but his voice even.

Robbie considered Mark’s words for a moment, before he very unexpectedly started, like a lightbulb had been switched on somewhere...  
“You’re right” Robbie cheerily told the smaller man, “I’ve been waiting for him to trust me again, but it needs actions, not words!”  
“Well, sure”, Mark said sounding unconvinced, “But –”  
“Our love is strong enough to keep us together, and he’s always got it, unconditionally. No matter what I say when I’m having a ‘Robbie moment’, but he needs to know even in those times, I’ve got his back, and I’ll never let go of him again.” Robbie said resolutely.  
“Well, good”, Mark said sounding unsure, “But when you say ‘actions’ – you don’t mean proposing again, do you? Because we’ve been there before, and –”  
“No – I’m not stupid Mark. Well, at least not stupid enough to do it twice!” Rob, said with a roll of his eyes, “I just mean I need him to know I have his back. Before all this, I’ll admit what we each took from this relationship was pretty one sided, because I needed so much from Gary, but now it feels like we’re equal – not because he needs me, but because now I know I can give him what he needs, but I have to prove that to him...I just don't know how”. Robbie pondered earnestly.  
“But he does know it Robbie, I firmly believe that” Mark told him, “I mean, I don’t know the ins and outs of what went on between him and Lucas, but for him to stand up to him at the studio, and say what he did - it was because he knew YOU had his back, he knew he wasn’t standing alone”.  
“You’re right!” Robbie said more brightly, “But I just hope I haven’t ruined that by what I said today” Robbie suddenly worried.  
“I’m sure you haven’t – I think you just have to step back sometimes, and appreciate what you’ve got; take a moment and see how far you’ve come - I’m proud of you Robbie, I’m so proud of you both, and you should be too!” Mark said brightly.  
“Thanks mate! Right, I’m heading back – got some making up-sex to do!” Robbie said positively.  
“Thanks, as always, for over-sharing and for the unwelcome visuals too!” Marked commented dryly, but as always, was happy for his mates.  
Robbie got up off the sofa to put on the jacket resting beside him. Mark meanwhile picked up the used mugs, now empty of beverage; but just then his home phone began to ring. He went off to answer it while Robbie took out his own phone to call for a driver to pick him up. Checking the missed calls log, he noticed they weren’t all from Mark after all, He had missed two calls from Howard.

“Oh, hi Howard”, Robbie then heard Mark coincidently say into the cordless phone by his ear as he walked back into the room.  
“Have I heard from Gaz? No. Why?” Mark talked looking at Robbie questioningly.  
A pause followed while Howard spoke to Mark on the other end of the phone. Robbie could only look on in wonder.  
“.....Ohh no, I don’t think –” Mark paused, “Hang on, Rob's here - I’ll ask him” he continued, catching Robbie’s eye, “Oh…ok – hang on.” Mark acted on instruction, and handed Robbie the phone, “Howard wants a word, sounds a little annoyed to be honest” he warned him.  
Intrigued, Robbie took the proffered phone, “Howard – what’s up mate?” he asked casually.  
_Howard: What’s up?! I’ve been trying to call you and Gary since this morning – don’t you ever check your phones!_  
'Wow, Mark was right', Howard did sound pissed, or so Robbie thought to himself.  
_Robbie: Sorry mate, stuff happened. What you want with us?_  
_Howard: Nor me or Jonathan or anyone has been able to get through to Gary’s land line, and like you, he’s not answering his phone. Have either of you been at home today? Or…_  
_Robbie: Nah mate, well - I mean I’m not, but Gary should be – what you need? As I’m just about to head back, meself._  
Howard hesitated then, like he was considering what to say next.  
_Howard: Its just, a liaison officer with the police called Jonathan. He was torn about telling Gaz to be honest, but obviously Gary should know. I don’t want to worry him, but he should know._  
Robbie was confused, but he felt a strange feeling build up inside him too. He didn't think he'd like where this conversation was heading.  
_Robbie: He should know what? Howard what are you saying?_  
_Howard: Lucas. He got bail._  
Robbie fell silent a moment  
_Robbie:…What?! But, how? I don’t understand – was he charged? ...and there was supposed to be a court ordered restraining order?! It wasn't supposed to be till tomorrow!_  
_Howard: I know, but there was a push by his solicitor. However, there is a restraining order, he’s not allowed near Gaz._  
Robbie felt a dreadful mix of anger and fear surge up from his stomach and burn the back of his throat.  
_Robbie: As if that will stop him!_  
Robbie felt his hands tremble. _Howard: What you think he’ll try to see Gaz?_  
_Robbie: See him??! You heard him! He’s pissed and wants to get back at Gaz, at both of us. I don’t know what he’ll try to do._  
_Howard: Calm down Rob. He’s not an idiot. Surely he wouldn’t risk anything? I mean he’s a twat but…_  
Robbie shook his head in disbelief.  
_Robbie: YOU DON’T KNOW HIM LIKE I DO! You don’t realise what he’s capable of!_  
Met with stunned silence on the other end of the line. Robbie huffed out a sigh, raking a shaky hand roughly through his hair. He needed to think fast.  
_Robbie: When’s he getting out? Do we know it's definitely today? I mean, I gotta prepare Gaz. I dunno but maybe we can go way for a while, or something._  
The silence on the other end was only momentarily but it was deafening. Until finally Howard tentatively replied…  
_Howard: Er…Rob, we couldn’t reach either of you. We’ve been trying all day!_  
Robbie now felt that sickening feeling inside him take form hold. An intense tingling spread through his core as a deep shiver was sent colliding up his spine. He already knew in his heart, but denial made him ask the question he was afraid to hear the answer to…  
_Robbie: Is he already out?!_  
_Howard: He was released this morning._  
_Robbie: This morning?!_  
_Howard: It's ok Rob_  
_Robbie: How is it ok?! I’m still at Mark’s, I’m at least 20 minutes away! Can you get over to Gary now?_  
_Howard: I'm too far away - I’m in Hampshire!_  
_Robbie: Hampshire?! FUCK!!_  
_Howard: I'll leave now_  
_Robbie: No - can you keep trying Gary’s mobile. And tell him I’m on the way…and tell him to keep the alarm on…and to lock the doors…and not answer the door!_  
_Howard: Of course I will, but Rob try to stay calm. I’m sure he’s fine, honestly._  
_Robbie: Yeah right!_ His voice a mix of sarcasm and contempt aimed perhaps unfairly at Howard, but actually masking his fear for Gary’s safety.

Robbie ended the call and handed it roughly back to a shocked but evidently worried Mark Owen. Robbie honestly hoped Howard was right, but couldn’t share Howard’s optimism because he knew Lucas, and ultimately he was afraid of just how well he did. With his hands still trembling, he dialled Gary’s number. No answer. He needed to get back to Gary, quick. Mark was thankfully one step ahead of him, and had already dashed for his car keys as they both dashed out the front door to Mark’s car. 

*****************************************************************************

 

Gary was still upstairs. He had been daydreaming while fluffing the pillows in their clean cases. Daydreaming too heavily to notice a figure had walked up the stairs. He didn’t even sense someone was watching him from behind, as the figure lingered in the door way. When Gary did eventually turn around to face the doorway. It was empty.

With the bed now changed, and the cushions sufficiently scattered, Gary decided to helpfully unpack Robbie’s cases. He had just finished one case when the dogs barking outside caught his attention. It sounded almost like they were in distress. Concerned, he walked over to the nearest window that overlooked their back garden, and looked down to see the dogs barking in the direction of the French doors.  
With a furrowed brow, his eyes followed the dogs somewhat frenzied jumping at the glass doors below, when suddenly he heard a noise downstairs – “Rob is that you?” he called out, hopeful.  
There was no answer.  
Hesitant due to the neglect of a response, but nevertheless acting on the assumption Robbie was giving him the silent treatment after their little tiff earlier, Gary his way downstairs.

As he made his way downstairs, he pondered on what he should say to Robbie. He wished Robbie would be satisfied with what he said about the trust thing. It was such a small thing in the grand schemes of things. Once love was lost, it was lost of good, but he never lost that for Robbie, and never would – so everything else was negotiable as far as Gary was concerned. It was easier to give up, when trust was damaged, and at first he had done just that but he’d had since learnt (the hard way) that as long as there was still love they could find a way back to what they had. What was done could be forgiven, and what was damaged could be repaired, trust was a part of that – it just took time, understanding and patience, was all. Words that were likely not big players in Robbie’s personal dictionary, Gary feared, yet some way he was sure they’d get there, eventually.  
Until then, they just needed to get back to being on talking terms.  


“Rob – do you want a brew?” Gary called out as he walked into the kitchen, having seen no sign of Robbie in the downstairs hall. He went to attend to the cold forgotten mugs of tea from earlier, except they were missing. The mugs were in fact empty, washed and on the draining board.  
The confusion he felt only lasted a few seconds however, and came to a foreboding abrupt end when his eyes spotted something else instead; the pile of post that had been sat on the door mat since their arrival that morning, were now in fact laid out in a straight neat pile on the top of the kitchen unit. Gary knew he hadn’t got around to picking it up that morning, and severely doubted Robbie would bother to pile it so neatly. In fact, the only person that would ever bother to was…  
Gary stopped dead in his train of thoughts.  
His heart leapt into his mouth, as Gary felt that old familiar chill run down his back. He knew he wasn't alone. His pulse immediately quickened until he could feel the blood rushing in his ears, while the hairs stood up not only on the back of his neck, but everywhere else too. He turned to see the dogs helplessly yelping at him from the other side of the glass. Now poised on the edge of fight or flight mode, there was no point pretending - he already knew there was someone now standing behind him, and he already knew exactly who that person was. But with nowhere to go, he hitched a shallow breath before he forced himself to stay calm; unwilling to give that man any more power than he had already taken from him. In fact he was determined to not be 'weak' anymore! So he took a slow breath, and slowly Gary turned to face him…  
“Hello Lucas”, he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so I struggled with this chapter and still not happy with it but needed to post it, and please don't hate me! I know, I'm evil, but this story is rapidly approaching it's end (only around 5 more chapters left), and I can't end it without a bit of drama! ;) ...hope you don't hate me too much, but to make up for it, I am planning to upload the next chapter next week, as it's quite a short one. Thank you for reading xx


	36. Too Many Words to Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy St. Georges Day! Here's a new chapter as promised! :) It continues where things were left in the last chapter (uploaded on Tuesday).
> 
> So things are about to change for Robbie and Gary....dramatically. Lucas is in Gary's house. Robbie is not there. What does Lucas want? and will Robbie get back in time?  
>  _Warning: This chapter contains violence that some may find upsetting. The intention is not to upset anyone, it's to explore the darker side of people's characters, and only fiction :) xx_

_“Hello Lucas”_  
The words hung in the air, heavy and empty. Lucas smiled knowingly. Maybe he knew the effect he already had on Gary.  
Gary hoped not.  
Even though Gary had instantly known it was Lucas who was in his house, actually seeing him standing there wasn’t any easier. Particularly not when he recollected all that had been said between them at the studio. He was just thankful Robbie wasn’t here. He hoped he could at least defuse the situation and get rid of Lucas way before Robbie back, and thus be none the wiser.  


The dogs were barking again, enough to temporarily draw Gary’s attention away from Lucas’s sickening smirk. Gary watched helplessly as he saw the dogs pacing back and forth outside the doors, they looked distressed, and wanting.  
“Leave the dogs outside, its best they stay out there”, Lucas simply said. There was no anger in his voice, only the command.  
Gary faintly nodded but kept his eyes determinedly on the dogs. He flat out refused to give Lucas the satisfaction of seeing how unnerved he genuinely was. Trying to get a grip on the situation, and his nerves, Gary swallowed dryly, trying to bury the chills he felt deep inside him; he knew he had to dig deep. After all, he had no idea why Lucas was here, but now that he was, it was time to deal with Lucas once and for all…  
“Exactly how long have you been letting yourself into MY house, Lucas” Gary asked the blond man straight out. His voice was firm, but his stern face started to waver as soon as Lucas had decided to start slowly approaching him.  
“I don’t know what you mean” Lucas replied, amused, while his smirk deepened.  
“The bed…I’m guessing that was you” Gary said, physically recoiling from Lucas’ advance.  
Lucas barked out a laugh, “Well, you really never did learn how to make it correctly, in fact you never learnt how to do much correctly, really –did you?” He mocked. It was a rhetorical question that Gary had no intention of answering anyway.  


Lucas kept his eyes steely on Gary, and advanced in his approach. He drew closer to Gary until there were only mere feet of air between the two men. “Besides, you have to ask yourself Gary, what kind of cowboy locksmith would only give you one key after you’ve had your locks changed?!…definitely not the one I used–”, Lucas smiled as he held up a key, the spare front key to Gary’s house.  
Gary could only shake his head in disbelief, “So you had a key the whole time?”  
“Yep, it seems I did”.  
“Exactly, how often did you use that key?” Gary challenged, his voice was even but for a thin lace of anger.  
If Lucas could sense the anger, he didn’t show it; or maybe he was inwardly revelling in rattling Gary.  
“As often as I needed to check up on you, darling” Lucas simply said, “– you certainly were cosied up in HIS house a long time though, I was hoping to see you sooner.”  
He took another step closer to Gary, they were in such proximity now - too close for comfort. “You can see why I got so impatient that I had to catch you at the studio, and my word did that end ugly. I was very disappointed with how that turned out. I am disappointed in the route you decided to take, Gary". His face suddenly altered as he dropped the smirk;  
“But…I am going to give you one more chance, out of the goodness of my heart.” Lucas told him.  
“The goodness of your heart?! Give me a break!” mocked Gary.  
“Don’t tempt me!” Lucas spat. His tone suddenly dark and serious, the smile had definitely disappeared, as he dropped the cool suave demeanour completely.  
A pause was left to linger between them. Gary didn’t know what to say, and Lucas to recover and regain his plastic smile, “I’m of course kidding my darling. But I did mean what I said, and you know it’s true, all of it – you can’t trust him Gary.”  
“Why would you care if he did cheat on me again? – it’d serve me right, wouldn’t it?” Gary probed with narrowed eyes, all the while strategically taking a safety step backwards.  
“I care about you, a lot. I have to look after you”. Lucas spoke quiet, meanwhile taking another step forward.  
Gary shook his head. “No, you don’t! And I don’t even want you to, I never wanted you to.” Gary told him straight. He took a further step backwards but was abruptly forced to come to a halt when he made contact with the glass panes of the French doors behind him.  
“Hmmm….I get why you’re pushing me away Gary. _He’s_ got in your head – I can see that” Lucas observed, his voice now strangely calm, “But he will hurt you, and he’ll do it all over again, again and again, and you know it!”  
“You can say what you like Lucas, but that doesn’t mean I will listen, let alone believe you!” Gary said defiantly, “Robbie loves me, and I love him. I’m sorry Lucas, but there’s nothing else to it. I’m truly sorry you got hurt, but it was never going to work out anyway. In the long run, you’ll see that and know this was for the best, I promise you”. Gary tried hard to sound sincere, but he honestly just wanted the man out of his house, and life. He didn’t care if Lucas did feel better about it all, in the future or not.  
Lucas starred blankly at him a moment, before he slowly shook his head, “Or maybe you like someone making you look like a fool” he suggested, having seemingly ignored Gary’s last words, “But then you always were a push over. Always playing the victim – aren’t you Gary. You need someone to walk over you, to rule over you, and control you…” Lucas’ tone vibrated heavily. Lucas menacingly leaned over Gary, and closed the last remaining gap between them. Gary pushed his own body flush to the French doors. He felt trapped.  
He was trapped. Without warning Lucas grabbed Gary’s biceps and squeezed them tightly until it hurt.  
“What’s the problem Gary you seem nervous, a bit like you did that night you first brought me home”. His face was square with Gary’s, his smile sardonic and calculated. Gary shifted trying to avoid Lucas. “What? You think I’m going to try it on with you?” Lucas asked, as he suddenly leaned closer still. Lucas’ lips were unexpectedly and very unnervingly right by Gary’s ear…  
“Honestly, I would, but for the fact I can smell that pig of a man all over you!” The tall blond mocked, his tone derisive and full of contempt, “It’s disgusting!” he added.  
A new anger pumped through Gary’s veins, and with it a renewed strength. He quickly shoved Lucas away from him, “Don’t you dare talk about Robbie! He is a thousand times the man you’ll ever be!” he seethed.  
But Lucas simply laughed in his face.  
Gary didn’t care, he was tired of Lucas’ mind games and cruelty. “Lucas – what do you want?!” He asked, “One minute you say you want me back, the next you say I disgust you!”  
Lucas shrugged his shoulders, “I said I’ll take you back – but I want to hear you beg first”.  
“I’m not going to beg you Lucas. I don’t want anything to do with you!”  
“I think you’ll change your mind….I think you’ll realise how you really do love me” Lucas said.  
“Lucas – you are clinically insane! You are mistaken if you think anything that has happened between us, is love” Gary yelled in complete disbelief, “I DO NOT LOVE YOU, I LOATH YOU!”  
But still Lucas would not be deterred…  
“Come now, Gary. You wouldn’t be half so passionate, if you didn’t feel something for me You must!”  
Gary was astounded. “Oh my god – you are mad!” came his retort, “Are you forgetting how you have mocked me, belittled me, bullied me, and pushed me around? - the only things I feel for you Lucas, are hatred and despise!”  
“I had to do those things!” Lucas casually shrugged looking nonplussed, “It was for your own good!”  
The anger in Gary was near breaking point…  
“It was for my own good that you punched me in the ribs?!” He yelled in Lucas’ face, “That you trod on my back?! That you tormented me with your cruel words?! You’re a bully Lucas, plain and simple!”  
Lucas smiled dropped and became a sneer. It seemed he had finally grown tired of the pretence…  
“You deserved it!” He spat, “You just have to learn not to get me so angry is all!”  
Gary shook his head in bewilderment, “You seriously don’t see it, do you? You have issues Lucas, you need help!”  
“What I need, is you to do as you’re told. End it with Robbie.”  
“No!”  


A deep frown set on Lucas’ face. He had well and truly lost his patience…  
“I’ve tried to be fair Gary, I’ve tried to make you see sense, I’ve tried to ask you nicely. Don’t make me do something you know I don’t want to, don’t force my hand, Gary.”  
“Just you try it Lucas! I dare you! You don’t scare me anymore – in fact you have no hold on me anymore.” Gary told him with a defiant and determined look.  
“Oh, just you fucking wait and see – you think I can’t fix you good?!” Lucas dangerously challenged, “What would you do if something was to happen to your precious Robbie huh? Then what would you do?” He sneered.  
Gary felt his blood boil. “Don’t you dare threaten Robbie! You touch him, I will kill you Lucas! I will kill YOU!” he spat.  
Lucas simply laughed, “Too late!”  
“What does that mean?” Gary fearfully pleaded, suddenly frantic as to what Lucas had potentially done to Robbie. Besides Lucas had been waiting outside, Gary realised, and the blond had then crept in thereafter. ‘What if he had hurt him’ Gary frightfully thought, ‘What if Robbie was lying somewhere really hurt?’.  
“You bastard – what have you done? Where is he?” Gary yelled, voicing his fears.  
But Lucas just smiled. He knew he had Gary right where he wanted him.  
“Just calm down, and I will take you to him.” He said placidly.  
Gary nodded. However, he didn’t believe Lucas for a second. But he knew he needed to feign a calmness, just enough to convince Lucas, he was going to do things Lucas’ way.  
He wasn’t. Gary just remained calm long enough for Lucas to back off him, and finally remove his body weight off of him.  
As soon as he was free, and without a moment’s hesitation, Gary immediately sprang into action; leaping away from Lucas, he dashed for the home phone to call Robbie.  
Lucas however, remained where he was, with a simple amused expression on his face. He didn’t even move a muscle to hinder Gary’s escape.  
Instead he laughed.  
He first laughed at Gary’s confusion on hearing the engaged tone on the phone, he then laughed when Gary tried it again before realising it was useless. He laughed even longer as he watched Gary scan the room trying to locate his mobile phone. When Lucas knew he wouldn’t find it.  
“You idiot – always too eager, too presumptuous Gary”, Lucas cruelly mocked.  
“Where is Robbie?” Gary demanded.  
“Not here. I watched him walk out Gary! I saw him walk out on you, and not even look back. It’s quite comical, because if he had simply cared enough to look back, he would have seen me. But he didn’t care, and certainly not enough to protect you!” Lucas taunted, “Don’t you see how little you mean to him?! He doesn’t deserve you!”  
“He was angry, that’s all. It was your fault! But he’ll be back, don’t you worry about that!” Gary told him.  
“Good, I look forward to it - see I’ve got a nice surprise for our Mr Williams!” Lucas snidely remarked.  
“Don’t you dare threaten Robbie!” Gary defensively yelled, as fear for Robbie filled his heart, “He’s done nothing except love me!”  
“He cheated on you, you fucking moron!” Lucas barked out a laugh.  
“He made a mistake – and we’ve both done that! You, are the single biggest mistake of my life!” Gary retaliated, anger surging through his veins.  
Lucas just smirked, “He’ll soon think the same about you, when he finds out what trouble you’ve caused him!” He coolly remarked, “I’m going to make sure he regrets it all, but especially you! Just you wait and see, Darling!” He laughed cruelly.  


Gary finally snapped. He bolted at Lucas, and furiously lashed out on the offense, throwing as many punches as he could aim at the despicable creature that was Lucas Harris-Turner. Lucas manically laughed as they launched into a brawl; Lucas tried to grab and get a hold of Gary, while Gary kept up the fierce attack - hoping enough punches would land, and make their mark.  
But Lucas easily fought back against Gary’s strength, and being the taller man his punches packed more force. Gary however, did have the better centre of gravity and old martial arts instincts that at least meant he managed to block the majority of punches, but struggled to land a damaging hit. Suddenly Lucas grabbed him by the wrist and yanked him trying to unstable the smaller man, but Gary with tremendous force whacked Lucas’s wrist away. Lucas was hurt and caught off guard just long enough for Gary to land another hit square on Lucas’ chest. It was enough to wind Lucas and cause him to fight for breath. Momentarily stunned, Lucas clumsily stumbled back and accidently tripped over a stool by the breakfast bench. He immediately lost his balance, fell back and audibly hit his head hard on the corner of the kitchen unit. He landed on the floor with a thud, and to Gary’s incredible shock, was immediately out cold.  


Gary stood still, in shock. He couldn’t believe it - Lucas was out for the count. He could even be dead for all Gary knew! That knock to the head had to have least done some damage, Gary figured. Shaken to the core, adrenaline still flooding his veins, he was too panicked to think what to do. He figured he better check if Lucas was alive or not, but decided he should find his phone first and call for help. A prolonged stare at Lucas’ chest confirmed a steady rise and fall, so Lucas at least wasn’t dead. Relieved, Gary moved his attention to finding the phone. He had a quick scout around the kitchen, doing his best to avoid going anywhere near the unconscious Lucas, but couldn’t locate it at all, he was sure Robbie had left it here, but either Robbie had taken it with him, or more than likely Lucas had hidden it.  
It was as that last thought ran through his head that another idea entered; Lucas may have the phone on him, or even his own phone. Should he dare check Lucas?! Gary instinctively didn’t like the thought of that, and visibly shook his head as if to convince his own mind against doing it. Maybe he should just leave the house, and go get help from a neighbour, he carefully considered. But quickly realised a problem - what if Robbie came back? He fretted. Gary realised he couldn’t leave the house without risking his boyfriend’s safety.  
There was only one choice - check Lucas for a phone.  


Completely on edge; with every nerve on fire and every muscle shaking, Gary approached the still form of Lucas laid out on the floor where he fell. Involuntarily shaking his head at his own stupidity for doing it, he nevertheless slowly leant forward over the unconscious blond. A faint murmur escaped Lucas and Gary instinctively froze, momentarily unable to move. A complete bag of nerves, a loud rushing was heard in his ears was slowly compromising his concentration as he slowly lowered his long twitching fingers towards Lucas’ jacket opening. He ever so slowly lifted the left side lapel to expose the inner jacket pocket that nestled next to Luca’s chest; and felt an instant mix of both relief and dread when he saw a phone there. It wasn’t his, but it would do. Now, he just had to remove it; although he had no idea how he was going to do that without waking Lucas.  
But he had to try.  


Checking Lucas was still very much out of it, Gary very slowly moved his hand towards the phone. He clasped the corner in between two fingers and held his breath as he began to pull the phone from its snug jacket pocket, moving slower than a glacier. It very slowly began to surface but it was difficult without tugging it. Gary could feel a bead of sweat forming at his brow, the phone wasn’t moving any further – it was caught on the pocket liner; “FUCK!” Gary inwardly swore.  
But then by some small miracle, he heard it. A faint but very distinctive humming, or more precisely a vibration. Gary was instantly sure it was his phone. He moved swiftly but quietly away from Lucas and continued the hunt for his phone, elsewhere. He followed the faint intermitting hum, but couldn’t locate it, until he traced it to a set of drawers, that were unfortunately positioned just above Lucas’ head.  
He had no time to think about it, he just had to do it. He leaned over Lucas once more, but this time directly over his face. He looked down and checked; Lucas remained still, his eyes tightly shut to the world. The coast was clear. Gary reached for the edge of the drawer and tugged it lightly open, until it gave way. He checked on Lucas once more, before he began to slowly slide the above drawer free, momentarily obscuring Lucas face from view. Nestled on top of a roll of sellotape in the drawer, he indeed found his phone. He smiled with relief as he picked up the buzzing device, and deftly closed the drawer shut. The action swiftly brought Lucas’ face back into view and to Gary’s utter shock and horror, Lucas’ open eyes were now starring up back at him.  


Stricken with absolute panic, Gary darted away from Lucas as if by reflex, and accidently lost grip and dropped his phone. No longer vibrating, the phone slid across the floor. Gary dashed after it, but as he did a strong hand clasped onto his ankle and pulled him back. He immediately lost his balance and fell forward, slamming his body forcibly onto the floor. Winded but unharmed, he immediately scrambled to get a footing but Lucas was already up, and with both hands he pulled Gary towards him before he shoved him backwards into the kitchen cupboards.  
As Gary was sent crashing into the side of the kitchen unit, Lucas had enough time to stand up straight, and clear his head. His eyes found Gary’s and stared down at him, breathing so heavily he was practically snarling, like a man possessed. Lucas reached around the back of his head, and seethed with pain as his fingers found the wound there from the knock to his head. When he brought his hand back around, he surveyed the blood left there.  
“You trying to kill me, Gary?” He spat, no longer smiling.  
“No, it was an accident!” the smaller man implored.  
“Yeah right! You lying piece of worthless shit!” Lucas roared, “By god, I’ll fix you!” he barked and charged at Gary like a ferocious animal. He furiously slammed Gary’s back into the cupboards once more, but this time he had knee’d him in the chest area with such force, that Gary had immediately heard a horrendous crack on impact. His chest flooded with an intense pain. Lucas had practically stamped on his rib cage.  


In agonising pain, Gary nevertheless fought back, he punched and kicked Lucas away, just enough to give him the opportunity to try to scramble away. He slid and squeaked on his hands as he struggled to retreat from Lucas. His body slipped along the polished kitchen floor, as he desperately tried to get back onto his feet. Lucas however, was already recovered and had the upper hand. From behind Gary’s crawling form, he charged at Gary and wrapped one strong hand around Gary’s throat, and squeezed.  
Gary yelped, but it was silent. No sound could leave him, no sound could pass the tight hold Lucas now pressed against his voice box and more dangerously, restricting his windpipe. The pressure stemming from his neck was instantly unbearable. It was excruciating. It was relentless. With very little to be done to fight him, Lucas easily turned Gary around and pinned him from firmly to the floor. Gary squirmed and scratched at the hand holding him, but it was simply held too firmly around his throat.  
Just when he felt all hope was lost, and was about to black out, the strangling hand suddenly released him.  
Gary was left spluttering and choking, as he took a desperate intake of air. Lucas hadn’t moved; and still had Gary firmly pinned beneath his body, as he watched Gary struggle for breath, as an amused smile crept over his face from seeing Gary in such discomfort and pain.  
Gary looked up at him, and saw strange look emerge in Lucas’ eyes, like he’d just figured something out. Something was wrong. Whatever idea was now in Lucas’ head, Gary was sure it wasn’t good.  
“You know I was thinking of all the things I could do to get my own back on Robbie; something public, something that could destroy his career. Convinced that’s what he only truly cares for the most. It would prove it to you, too.” Lucas spoke, so matter-of-factly. “But what’s the point”, he continued after a pause, “You said it yourself – you’ll never love me, not like you’re supposed to, not like I need you too!” He spat, salvia dribbling from his mouth and eyes bulging.  
Gary feared what was coming.  


He immediately tried to get free, but the pressure was too great; the force of Lucas’ body was too large to budge. He felt his heart pumping so hard against his confined chest; the restricted space and existing pain in his chest, making him struggle to draw breath. But little did he realise how worse it was about to get.  
“I worked so hard to get you to love me, and how do you repay me? – you go back to him, because you think he _loves_ you”, Lucas continued, scathingly mocking the helpless man beneath him. “But he will never love you, not like how I love you, Gary”, the threatening tone deepened, as eyes grew darker. “Know that Gary! I did love you, but you ruined that, you ruined it all!” Lucas yelled. He moved a hand closer to Gary’s face, causing Gary to instinctively flinch away from his touch. Lucas ignored the flinch, but paused in his motion, to gaze at Gary’s face, considering it a moment, before he reached a hand towards it again, and caressed it gently. He stroked a delicate hand down along Gary’s stubbly jaw line, “This is your fault” Lucas whispered, sounding strangely more calm, but no less menacing. “All you had to do was love me back. But now, there’s no going back”, Lucas told him coldly, “So I think I’ll settle for just taking it all away from Robbie instead….Because if I can’t have you, then he certainly won’t!” Lucas growled, and launched both hands at Gary’s exposed neck once more, clamping them firmly around Gary’s throat before he squeezed.  
The pressure was immediate and excruciating for Gary.  


His desperately pleading eyes looked up into Lucas’s crazed eyes balls still bulging out of their sockets. The forceful fingers at Gary’s throat caused an instant painful pressure to fill his head until he could feel it pushing behind his eyes. He felt like his head would explode. He needed oxygen, he needed to breathe! He couldn’t take the painful force, he needed to be free! He frenziedly struggled in Lucas’ hold and managed to free an arm, and sent it flaying in front of Lucas’ face in blind panic, trying to push Lucas off, trying to free himself anyway he could; but all the while the unbearable pressure intensified. Somewhere he heard Lucas’ maniacal laugh above him, but the dark purple dots that now obscured Gary’s view as he was starved of oxygen, at least meant Gary was saved that sight, at least. He didn’t give up, he wouldn’t. He desperately and futilely flared one hand in the direction of Lucas’ face trying to scratch him, or poke him in the eye, he didn’t care. It was his last chance to save himself.  
He managed to aggravate Lucas. In trying to avoid Gary’s hand, Lucas shifted his body weight, and suddenly, Gary’s other arm became free! Gary immediately grabbed at Lucas’ hands still tightly wound around his now heavily damaged throat. He frantically grabbed at them, trying to free himself. But he couldn’t budge them. Even as he dug his finger painfully into the flesh that held him, he knew it was an attempt in vain. He already felt himself losing strength. His hands strangely didn’t even feel like his own anymore. He was losing grip. He was losing feeling. He was losing everything.  
He had no strength.  
He had nothing left.  
He knew this was it. He was going to die.

He strangely knew he should be afraid of that fact but actually all he felt was regret. The pain was so immeasurable that he could no longer think straight, he just wanted release from the pressure in his body, and the pain. He shut his eyes tight, not wanting to see Lucas. He wanted his last thoughts to be of Robbie, his mum, the band and all he’d accomplished. He thought he could hear Robbie's voice, he could see Robbie’s face in his mind, and he fought like crazy to keep it there, but even that was getting away from him. His life was leaving his body. He could feel himself going as he heard his arms drop hopelessly to the floor. The encroaching darkness had all but consumed his vision, but weirdly he longer felt any pressure at his throat anymore, or even pain for that matter….in fact he felt nothing.  
He had lost. He was done.  
_’Robbie’_ was his last remaining thought as he finally gave up, and allowed the eternal blackness to consume him.

*****************************************************************

Robbie yelled at Mark for the seventeenth time to speed up, but Mark was going as fast as he could. The traffic this side of London was horrific during the daytime. After 15 minutes, they were finally on the main road that led to Gary’s house but it was a long one, and the traffic lights had slowed their progress.  
“Mark! This is ridiculous, just go through the lights, for god’s sake!”, Robbie irritably yelled from the passenger seat.  
“Robbie, calm down. Gary will be fine. We’ll be there soon, and a lot sooner IF we don’t get pulled over by the Police in the meantime”. Mark said restraining his voice. He knew why Robbie was anxious, but Mark personally thought Lucas had to be crazy to try and see Gary straight after being released on bail.  
Robbie conceded and instead sank back into the seat, sulking into a worried silence. He knew Mark thought he was overreacting, and he honestly hoped to god he was. But he had a horrible sinking feeling inside him that he couldn’t shake. He thought back to that morning when he left the house, he’d been such an idiot. He shouldn’t have left, but he should have no way left Gary in that house on his own.  
But what was done, was done. There was no way to change that now. But from now on, he would do things definitely; he would look after Gary and prove to him that he could be trusted to not go back on his word, he would protect him and their life together, always.  
That thought made him smile for a moment, before he was swiftly brought slamming back to reality. He could see they were close now, the house was only a few hundred metres away. He sighed as he began to relax a little, but knew he’d feel so much better when he saw Gary was actually safe and ok. He had already decided he would then take Gary to LA for a couple of weeks, until things died down a bit.  


The car drew closer but the hindering traffic grew also too, until it was at a standstill once more. Robbie fidgeted with anxiety until he just couldn’t take it anyway, not now they were so close, “For fuck sake!!” he yelled in frustration.  
“It’s ok, Rob. It’ll clear in a moment”, Mark said optimistically. But then just as he said that, he had to reactively break as a car abruptly began reversing on to the road in front. It then attempted a 3-point turn, but ‘attempt’ was apt.  
As the car in front struggled in its manoeuvre, Robbie reached the pinnacle of his motoring patience, “That’ it!” Robbie yelled. He couldn’t take any more delays. Acting on impulse but also instinct, he threw his seat belt off in an instant, and jumped out of the car. “You carry on Mark, but I’m getting home to Gary now!” he shouted through the open window, before he immediately set off at a pace - as fast as his legs would take him, to get home to Gary.

With much relief he reached the turning for Gary’s house, and pelted up the drive as he rummaged for Gary’s front door key in his coat pocket. He’d luckily grabbed it as he left earlier. He couldn’t find it in there though, and panicked when he couldn’t feel it in the other either. He started checking all his remaining pockets and with a stroke of luck found it in his back pocket. He turned the key in the lock just as Mark finally pulled on to the drive himself. Robbie ran inside the house, not wanting to wait for Mark to catch up. With equal desperation and trepidation, he called out Gary’s name. Upon hearing nothing but his heart furiously pumping, and the dogs incessant barking from out the back, Robbie headed for the kitchen.  


The sight that awaited him there, stopped his heart in an instant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah – I did that. What can I say? I love drama! ;) I’m so sorry if I upset anyone with those violent scenes, and even more so to leave it on a beast of a cliff hanger like that. I won’t keep you in suspense too long.  
> Hope everyone is buzzing for the tour, and thanks as always for taking the time to read this story x


	37. Only You Can Save Me Now.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the cliff-hanger I left you on, with the last chapter. In this one, we start exactly where we left off when Robbie had entered the house. Will he be able to save Gary, or is it too late?! Thanks for reading x

“Get the fuck off him!” Robbie screamed as he pulled Lucas’ hands clear off Gary’s throat. Taken by complete surprise, Lucas simply hadn’t been ready to defend himself from Robbie’s onslaught. Which worked for Robbie.   
“I will fucking kill you!!!!” Robbie cried hysterically, his voice both breaking with anger and shaking with shock. It was as if he was possessed with terror and equipped with super strength; he grabbed Lucas’ clothes, and yanked the tall blond off completely off the unmoving and incredibly limp Gary. 

Robbie’s fears were now his reality.   
He didn’t know what he was doing, except he was suddenly punching and pummelling the figure before him. With such tremendous force and anger, Robbie punched Lucas hard in the face over and over again. He wanted to destroy every inch of it, he wanted it to stop smiling. Stop it smirking forevermore! He yelled out in anger, pain, fear, distress and kept punching. He tried to stop but he couldn’t, he wouldn’t…not until it was done.

It was Mark that stopped him from outright killing Lucas.   
Mark had shortly followed Robbie through the door, and followed the sound of yelling and commotion. The blond having already taken a relentless pounding from Robbie, was knocked-out, completely out cold. Mark, although horrified by the scene before him, for Robbie's sake he managed to pull Lucas out of Robbie’s reach, “Rob! Forget him! Gary! Check Gary!” Mark yelled as shock set into his core. With an unconscious Lucas now in a dishevelled heap on the floor, and Robbie running over to Gary’s fallen form, Mark immediately pulled out his phone out to call the Emergency services.

Although he almost couldn’t bare to know the truth, Robbie had rushed back to Gary and checked his vitals.  
“Noooooo no no…come on baby! Don’t do this, don’t leave me!” His voice helplessly strained as he struggled to detect a pulse, but he already knew one thing; “He’s not breathing Mark! He’s not breathing!” he cried out in blind panic. And without a second thought, he bent down and began to give Gary mouth to mouth resuscitation. It was rushed and at first ineffective; he was shaking too much and unsure of what to do, but then something inside him just suddenly switched, and a stillness strangely enveloped him like he’d never experienced before. It was like he wasn’t even there, that what was happening wasn’t real, but he instinctively knew what he had to do. He paused, then bent down again, cleared Gary’s air way, before he covered Gary's whole mouth with his own. Ensuring it was sealed, he blew two large deep breaths into Gary’s awaiting lungs.   
Nothing.   
There was nothing. No reaction. So he did it again…and again…and again.  
“Come on Gary, come back to me!” he whispered between breaths, utterly terrified. Somewhere behind him he could hear Mark shakily talking with an emergency dispatcher.  
“Mark – what do I do, ask them! What do they say to do?! He’s slipping away, I can feel it!” he frantically cried, checking Gary’s pulse again.  
“Just keep going Rob – they’re on their way” Mark told him.  
Robbie nodded. Tears were steadily pouring down his face, and his hands were shaking, but through it all Robbie continued breathing for Gary.

Gary who hadn’t moved, hadn’t stirred, hadn’t breathed since Robbie had found him. A darkness started to consume Robbie’s soul, as his heart began to over spill with dread.   
“Please hurry! Please!” Mark was heard yelling into the phone with blind panic, before he swiftly joined Robbie on the floor by Gary’s side. Mark shakily rechecked Gary’s pulse.  
Robbie watched, and his eyes grew wide with fear as he saw Mark’s face suddenly become grave.  
“No! Mark! Don’t say it, ok?! He will be fine, he’s strong!” he stubbornly barked, refusing to accept anything but that outcome. Mark simply nodded and instantly began compressions.

Three minutes later there was no change.  
“Rob…”  
“Don’t you dare give up on him! He would never give up on you!” Robbie begged breathlessly, still undeterred, as he continued the mouth to mouth. He was quickly tiring, and yet he knew he'd easily give his own last breath to Gary if he needed to.  
“I’m not giving up, I won’t!” Mark said without hesitation “– but Rob, Lucas is stirring!” Mark chillingly informed him between compressions, pointing in the blonds vague direction.  
Robbie didn't even look up. “Let him fucking stir, I will kill him if he so much as tries something! He just needs to give me a reason!” Robbie roared with the fury of thunder. The renewed anger provided a new spike of energy to rip through his veins and aided him in his efforts to breathe for Gary. But for how much longer would that energy last, he could only dread.  
Time was not on their side.

Luckily, sirens suddenly burst into life somewhere nearby, starting quietly then steadily increasing in volume and frequency.   
“Thank God!” Mark breathed, completely shattered and in utter despair. The sirens were right outside and tyres were soon heard grinding to a halt on the gravel outside. Things then began to happen so incredibly quickly…

Police rapidly flooded into the premises, and were swiftly followed by the paramedics. Robbie and Mark were quickly shafted out of the way as the Paramedics took immediately over. They didn’t need to ask for any names, they immediately recognised all three men. The police on the other hand were asking for Lucas' name and even for a paramedic to attend to the blonds injuries.  
“Help him? He doesn’t deserve help!” Robbie roared at the Police. “He was strangling Gary! He’s likely kill-“   
“Mr Williams, calm down” An officer advised him, firmly.  
“Calm down?!” Robbie screamed back.  
But thankfully, Mark grabbed hold of Robbie and held him as firmly as he could, given the size difference – it was a struggle but both out of need to offer comfort and restraint, he managed to hold him back. “Robbie, just let them see to it, now. We need to be there for Gary, he needs you Rob, _he_ needs you now!” he painfully implored, not wanting to cause Robbie further anguish, but he had to make Robbie see sense. Lucas didn’t matter now, only Gary did.

Robbie solemnly nodded and darted straight back to Gary’s side, while the paramedics worked at lightning speed to save Gary’s life.  
“You hang in there, Baby –” Robbie whispered, tears once more filling already red raw eyes.   
“Don’t you go anywhere, you hear me! …after everything, all we’ve been through! It is NOT going to end like this. We are supposed to be together forever, you can’t give up - you need to stay here with me, please! Please…I beg you” He breathed, “You can’t leave me, Gary – you just can’t!” 

***************************************************************************

 

“Rob…Robbie, mate – sorry to wake you”, Mark softly said as he gently prodded Robbie awake. Robbie shifted slightly from his hunched up position on the chair and opened his tired, swollen red eyes to see Mark’s blurry face watching him with concern. However, Rob’s momentary and almost blissful confusion, only lasted as long as it took for him to yawn and the room to come fully back into crystal clear focus. With it, his heart sank as the memories of that day came flooding back into his mind. Mark could literally see the renewed pain emerging in Robbie’s eyes…there was little he could do to comfort him, and in fact he now wished he could spare Robbie from adding to it.  
“Mate, I’m sorry to wake you” Mark started, “I know you’re knackered but the liaison officer was just here speaking to Gary’s family. Basically, Lucas admitted to everything. He’s been charged”, Mark told him with a simple note of finality in his voice.  
“Is that supposed to make me feel better, Mark? Because funnily enough, it doesn’t.” Robbie replied glumly.  
“I know, Robbie. I just thought you should know.” Mark said. Then his face turned a little sheepish as he continued more delicately, “Also…there’s still no word on whether he’ll be able to press charges against you for assault. They think it’s unlikely, so that’s good”.  
“Oh, yes – whoopee!” Robbie said sarcastically, “Mark - don't you get it?! I don’t care if he does, or doesn’t! In fact, I hope he does press charges, I hope we end up in the same prison – because there I’ll finish what I should have done earlier, and kill the cowardly strangling bastard!” Robbie raged.   
“Rob – that’s not helpful. I know you’re hurting, we all are. But working yourself up into a frenzy is not going to solve anything” Mark remarked soberly.  
“That’s funny, because actually I reckon it’ll make me feel a whole lot better” Robbie told him, “It’s about the only useful thing I can do, right now. I was useless at protecting my boyfriend, I was useless at saving his life –”, Robbie was unable to finish, as his voice cracked under the emotional strain.

Mark looked at his younger friend pitifully, his heart ached for him. “No, you weren’t Robbie, you did all you possibly good. None of this is your fault!”  
“It’s ALL my fault!” Robbie yelled, “All of it, Mark. At least let me burden the shame I SHOULD be feeling; the shame I own, me. Because one way or another, I am responsible for what happened to Gaz.”  
“The only man who is responsible is now locked up, and there’s no chance he’ll be getting out any time soon”, Mark reasoned. He knew Robbie was very quickly defaulting to self-destruct mode, which entailed wallowing in self pity and blame, but that wouldn't help anything right now.  
“Mark just leave me alone mate, please - I know you mean well, but you don’t understand”, Robbie told him.   
He just needed to be alone.  
Mark sighed sadly, but nodded. “Ok mate, I’ll leave you be for a while, but we’re not going anywhere”.   
“Whatever”, Robbie mumbled divisively in reply, then turned his head to one side to curl up and sleep again. 

Mark left Robbie where he was, on one side of the waiting room, and instead went and joined Jason who was sitting in contemplative silence on the other side. He barely looked up when Mark joined him.  
“Did you tell him?” Jason asked Mark.  
“Yeah, not that it did any good” Mark responded under his breath.  
“I wouldn’t imagine it would. I doubt anything about Lucas could possibly bring Robbie any kind of comfort right now”, Jason offered reflectively.  
Mark slowly sighed, before nodding. “I keep thinking back to all those times Gary was acting differently, all those times in the studio when Gary was obviously keeping something to himself – why didn’t we do something earlier?!” Mark remarked sadly.  
“Mark, don’t you start too.” Jason reproached.  
“I know Jay, but I can’t help it” Mark told him earnestly, “– I know if it was the other way around, Gary would’ve noticed something was up –”  
“True – but even then, how do we know that would’ve changed anything? Lucas was a mad man, Mark, a psychopath who was darkly obsessed with Gary! That never turns out well”.   
Mark gave a small nod but it was all he could muster. He was tired, and didn’t even know what to think anymore. He could still barely take in what had happened, and that all this was actually real. He was still hoping they’d all simply wake up from this nightmare, and laugh with relief that it was all just a bad dream. But that wasn't going to happen.  
Perched on a hard hospital waiting room chair, Mark felt a chill and so brought his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and rested his head on his knees. Still contemplating the events that day, still reliving it all - he fell deeper into his unsettling thoughts, regardless of Jason’s reasoning, Mark couldn’t shake the feeling they all could’ve done more to prevent it all, just like Robbie had said.

 

Howard had just got off the phone. With his back resting against a cold wall, he sighed. He was so exhausted from all the driving, the worry, the emotional stress and upset; he was ready to collapse. Yet, he knew even if he put his head down he wouldn’t sleep. He picked up the tray of fresh coffees on the counter and made his way back to the waiting room. It was a lonely walk down the hospital corridors with their sterile cool lighting and grey walls. They all looked the same except for the changing signs giving the directions. He idly checked his watch and saw it was 10.45pm. He still couldn’t believe what had happened. He should’ve tried harder, he should’ve done more. He felt his insides squirm with guilt, and felt physically sick, just thinking about it all. He’d let Gary down, he knew that. He’d had suspicions, but never did he consider Gary was in such real physical danger. But he had been wrong, they all had.   
Except Robbie.

Howard arrived back at the waiting room. A section had been cornered off for them, and friends, while Gary’s immediate family were in a family room nearby. Howard got busying himself handing out coffees. Robbie looked asleep so Howard simply left a cup nearby, before he took a seat and sat down next to him. He took a hot sip from his own cup before he raked a tired hand through his own hair, rubbing the sleep out if his eyes in the process. His mouth was dry, the lump in his throat now a constant painful presence. He wondered how long it had been since someone had even last spoken to them, here. Would someone come speak to them - he had no idea, and not a clue what to do. Should they perhaps go home, even? he contemplated, and yet, Howard knew Robbie wouldn’t go anywhere even if he was told to do so, even if he was dragged. Robbie wasn’t going to leave Gary, and so neither would they.  
So instead, with nothing else to do, they all fell deep into their own individual thoughts, all the while the coffees grew cold, and time ticked on. That's how they stayed; Jason had begun to doze off, Howard still had his face in his hands, and Mark was staring blankly at some STI posters on a notice board, while Robbie with his eyes shut to the world, pretended to be asleep. 

Robbie was actually just beginning to drift off in his pretend slumber when his ears picked up part of a conversation from down the corridor. His eyes immediately flicked open, as his brain switched on at full power to process his surroundings and more importantly focus on the three people talking. It was Gary’s mum, Gary’s brother and a figure in white. Although it was difficult to pick out the words; he watched on with interest, and resting against the chair with his head leaning to one side, it at least gave him a good view of the exchange. At first confused, he looked on with increasing comprehension, as he saw Gary’s brother take a clipboard handed to him from the doctor in the white coat, and deftly signed it. He then gave his (and Gary’s) mum a hug as he handed back the clipboard, with much forlorn.

A weight dropped in Robbie's stomach. Immediate alarm bells were tripped in every crevice of his mind and Robbie sprung up from his chair faster than jack-in-the-box, before managing to dart down the corridor in three seconds flat, “What was that you signed? What you done? I have a right to know!” He yelled at the three figures now standing before him. His desperate eyes bulged at them, demanding, but terrified too.  
Robbie initially directed his order at the doctor, but the doctor in turn simply looked to Gary’s mum for confirmation. She nodded at the Doctor with a sadness so intense, it stopped Robbie’s heart in an instant, “No! No! You can’t! He’ll get through this! I know! You just can't! You just have to give him a chance!” Robbie yelled, in a frenzy of panic and desperation, “Please! Don’t give up on him! I beg you, please!”   
“Robbie calm down” Gary’s brother instructed. But Robbie wouldn’t listen. He demanded to know what was on the sheet they’d signed, he demanded to know what they'd discussed, he demanded to see Gary. He had to have rights, he argued with them, he just had to!

“Robbie – Darling, it’s ok” Gary’s mum Marjorie, told him, “Come with me – there’s a good lad” she soothed as she took his shaking hand in her own, and led him away from the other two men. Calmed into momentary silence, Robbie followed her without complaint, and watched on as she led him into Gary’s room on the Intensive Care ward.

Robbie looked to Gary’s still form lying so peacefully on the bed. He didn’t care for the medical paraphernalia surrounding his beautiful boyfriend, his eyes stayed only on Gary’s eyes that were just so sweetly closed to the world, seemingly untroubled, unknowing, and undisturbed.  
“Robbie, sweetheart”, Marjorie Barlow’s voice broke through the brief tranquillity of the moment, “you need to understand, Gary’s poor body has been through so much – it’s hurting, he's tried so hard, I know that. I know my son’s a fighter, I know”. She said with a sad proudness.  
“So why are you giving up?” Robbie asked glumly.  
“I’m not.”  
“I saw you! You signed something. Is it to switch off his life support?” Robbie turned to face the older woman with accusatory eyes.   
“His life support?!” She looked at him, her confusion quickly melting into abashed shock, “Darling, we’re not turning his life support off – we wouldn’t do that!” she told him in all seriousness.   
“But then what was that form?” Robbie asked still not willing to trust the relief quickly flooding his heart.  
“It’s just procedure, that’s all. Permission has to be given for them to do things in case something happens when we’re not here – that’s all, I promise you”, she told him.  
Robbie was still confused though, and wanted answers, “but that look you shared, what did the Doctor tell you? He told you something – you discussed something about Gary, I know! I have a right to know Marjorie, I’m his…I’m –”  
“It’s ok Robbie. I know how important my son is to you, and all that you are to him too. You have every right, just not a legal one as far as the hospital is concerned, but I will tell you everything you want to know, I honestly will.” Marjorie spoke with such sad kindness, Robbie instantly knew to trust her at her word. Robbie looked on as Marjorie pulled a seat up beside Gary’s bedside, and took his pale limp hand in hers. She then silently beckoned Robbie over to join her.   
He pulled up another seat beside her, and let his tired eyes fall on to Gary’s peaceful face once more, and for a fleeting moment Robbie shared in that peace. 

“Dearest, I am so grateful for all you’ve done for my son. He has been so happy these last few weeks and it’s down to you. He loves you so much. So very, very much”, Marjorie sweetly whispered. “I am so thankful he has had so much love in his life”.  
“Marjorie –“  
“He has been blessed. I have only ever wanted him to be happy, and he’s always been happiest with you” she continued, ignoring Robbie’s attempt to interrupt her. “You’ve done so much for him –”  
“I should’ve done more –”  
“You saved him!”  
“I wasn’t there! I should’ve been there, it shouldn’t have happened!” Robbie cried, utterly miserable and full of gut-wrenching guilt that still threatened to consume him whole.  
“Shoulda, woulda, coulda!” Marjorie simply stated with a dismissing wave of her hand, “What is the point in thinking like that? What is done, is done. You were there when it mattered Robbie, you saved he life of my son! The Doctors, said if you’d turned up even half a minute later, it would’ve likely been too late. He’s still got a fighting chance, and that’s all down to you, my lad.” She beamed at him, her eyes full of love and gratitude, but sadness too. 

“But –”  
“No buts! We owe you so much, you saved our Gary.” Marjorie reassured him.  
“Then why won’t he wake up? What did the Doctor tell you?” Robbie asked impatient, now.  
There was a poignant hesitation, a pregnant pause. Robbie knew something was up. He knew there was something Marjorie wasn’t telling him.   
“You have to understand, Robbie. Even if Gary does wake up –“  
“You mean WHEN he wakes up” Robbie corrected her.  
“No, Robbie, Darling. I mean _if_ …” Marjorie continued with a great and straining sadness in her eyes, “he may not be the Gary we knew, his body has been through so much”, she told him gently.  
“I don’t understand, the Doctors –”  
“The Doctors, are doing all they can, in fact they HAVE done all they can. They tell me the rest is down to Gary now. They will keep him comfortable and on support but if he's going to pull through, he's got to do it. But the problem is he lost so much oxygen to his brain. We don’t know yet the damage if any, that’s caused him. The Doctor was telling us he could have significant, sizable brain damage...or he may not, they can't be sure until he wakes up”.

Robbie furrowed his brows. He still wasn’t sure what Marjorie was telling him…  
“But I was breathing for him. I gave him mouth-to-mouth” he weakly replied, his mind wrestling to comprehend the information.  
“I know, Darling, You did wonderfully, you really did! You’ve given him such a good chance.” She spoke with a soft smile, as she took Robbie’s hand in hers, and squeezed it tightly.  
“I fully belief he will be fine, because I know my boy, I know he’ll fight, and I know he’ll come back to us. But Robbie it might not be a smooth journey. I mean, the ribs will heal, and so will the puncture to his lung, and of course the damage to his trachea. But there could be bigger battles to face. We need to be prepared, that’s all.”  
“I will be, Marjorie, I won’t let him down again.” Robbie told her earnestly.

She smiled and brought his hand she was still holding, up to meet Gary’s still hand on the bed, and together they held tight on to it. Holding on to their hopes and prayers along with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s just a little chapter I know, but I didn't want to leave you hanging too long, not going Gary's fate...although this is kind of a cliff-hanger too, while I think of it...sorry about that! ;)   
> With the tour coming up, I may not be able to update regularly, but there are 4 chapters still left of this story, and the next one I’ve already started to write, so I will try to get it posted when I can. Thank you for reading, I hope you are still enjoying it, and I really hope I didn’t upset anyone too much with that last chapter, I know it was very dramatic and intense in parts.
> 
> Thank you as always for your amazing comments, they mean the world to me. xx


	38. Only You Can Heal Me Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How is Gary? How is Robbie coping? Can anything else go wrong for the love birds?! ...always ;)  
> Thanks so much for your lovely comments so far. The end is nigh for this particular story, but still loads to happen! :) xx

## Only You Can Heal Me Now

Robbie was exhausted. He hadn’t been home for four days now. He hadn’t shaven or even brushed his teeth. He’d thought about it but aside from grabbing a bit to eat and popping to the loo, he just couldn’t risk leaving Gary’s side.

After the first two initial days in intensive care, the doctors had tried to remove the ET tube and take Gary off life support. But it had not gone well, his ECG became irregularly fast as it was discovered he had developed a blood clot in his lungs. He was rushed into surgery to deal with the pulmonary embolism, and they had nearly lost him again.

It had been a scary time for everyone. The other lads had been home when a distraught Robbie had called to inform them of the developments. They themselves were already feeling the emotional strain and physical drain from travelling to and from to the hospital, and so were sent into complete and utter shock when Robbie relayed the events that had already stilled his own heart so fearsomely. 

He had been with Gary, holding his hand hoping his lover would awake, when instead the alarms had suddenly sounded from all directions, and people in scrubs had hastily bustled into Gary’s small room in the ICU, and just as hastily escorted Robbie out of it.  
Scared, and left out in the cold, all he could do was watch and pray as the doctors worked fiercely to save Gary’s life. Marjorie had quickly grabbed his hand; since out of everyone, she had of course been his only other companion beside Gary’s unconscious form, the whole time. Watching them treat Gary, she had simply squeezed Robbie's hand tight, and he had squeezed just as hard back. Both in fear, both in panic, and both utterly terrified they were to lose their Gary.

Thankfully the operation had gone well, but Gary had remained intubated on life support ever since. Worst still they had kept him in an induced coma. There was no chance of Gary opening his eyes any time soon, and yet, Robbie still couldn’t bear to leave his side.

 

It was two days after the surgery that Doctors finally began to convey some optimism regarding Gary’s condition. There had been a promising improvement in his vitals, so much so they were happy to try taking him off the ventilator again. Marjorie and Robbie had shared a look of concern, but diligently stood by while the doctors made the decision to withdraw the barbiturates that were keeping Gary in a coma. They carefully advised Gary’s loved ones that the withdrawal would need to be gradual, and so they shouldn’t expect him to regain consciousness for a couple of days yet. Yet neither Robbie nor Marjorie would budge from Gary’s side, especially when only a day after that the doctors said they were ready to remove his life support. No longer on the ventilator, no longer intubated, they could only wait on extremely nervous tenterhooks as to whether Gary would take a breath on his own… 

He did.  
It was small breath, and slow but it was a beautiful sight, and was quickly followed by both Robbie and Marjorie’s collective sighs. A padded neck brace still supported Gary's bruised throat, an oxygen mask remained fixed over his face and an IV drip was a constant companion, but for the first time in days, Gary had colour in his face, and began to resemble his old self. Without all the tubes and machines, he now just looked like he was sleeping.

Robbie was so relieved, but knew he wouldn’t rest until Gary awoke. Not until Gary looked into his eyes and smiled – and he needed to see recognition and love there. He was so terrified of what Marjorie had said about the possible damage to his brain, he hadn’t wanted to think about it before now, only praying Gary would survive. But now as he watched Gary’s steady breathing continue, he hoped with all his heart Gary would be ok.   
Either way, he knew they had a long journey to full recovery ahead of them. And he would be there, through it all. He would be by Gary’s side no matter what – that much he was certain of!

It was 27 hours after Gary had been successfully removed from the ventilator that finally a sign of life emerged. Marjorie had slipped out to get a couple of coffees, while Robbie kept his constant vigil by Gary’s side. Sat with his elbows resting on the bed, he was reading an e-book on his Kindle with one hand while his other held Gary’s hand, as always. Feeling drowsy, Robbie’s eyes had began drooping as he struggled to finish reading the last line of a paragraph, and then upon realising he’d not taken it in, he reread it, and again - or at least tried to, before Robbie finally shut his eyes and began to slip into a calm sleep...  
Then suddenly, with a jolt, his eyes snapped opened and he was fully awake in an instant. He didn’t need to wonder what had startled him into wide awake mode, he knew. Gary’s hand had twitched, not much but definitely twitched in Robbie’s light hold.   
With wide expectant eyes Robbie sat bolt up-straight, not even noticing he’d accidently dropped the Kindle on the floor. With a mix of excitement and apprehension his eyes flicked between Gary’s face and his still hand. Willing it to move again.  
“Come on, Baby – I know you can hear me, can’t you. Please Baby – it’s time to wake up now, please, baby – open your eyes”, Robbie softly pleaded.  
No response.   
Gary’s eyes remained shut to the world.  
Robbie dropped his gaze, his hopes falling with it. Disappointed that he must’ve imagined it, he slouched back down into his chair, with a deflated sigh. 

Moments later, fingers curled in his hand. Fingers that were not his.   
Robbie’s eyes sprang wide open again as he took Gary’s hand in both his hands, and gently allowed it to rest in his palms, he watched as the fingers then uncurled against his palm. Holding his breath, his heart stilled as he watched the delicate long fingers in silence, he felt almost scared to mutter another word just in case it somehow spooked Gary into stillness once again.

Robbie drew his eyes away from the delicate fingers that lay in his hands, to instead inspect Gary’s face. He stared intensely at the eyes that had been asleep for so long, willing them to open…long minutes passed by with nothing, but at last he was rewarded for his dedication as Gary's eye lashes began to flicker.  
It was shortly followed by Gary’s eyes flickering open but only lasted for mere moments before they shut again. In fact it was so quick Robbie even wondered whether he had all but imagined it.   
Then at last, his doubt was removed when the eyes opened again. Robbie watched Gary’s dilated pupils’ contract as the room's strobe lighting forced bright light into his eyes. They flickered in protest against the light once more before at last they opened again, and stayed open - simply staring up at the ceiling, perhaps unfocused but working.  
Gary was finally awake.

“Gary – you’re awake, you’re really awake!” Robbie breathed his needless declaration, but hoping the words would somehow help make it true, as his heart filled with happiness.   
Gary however, made no response, and only continued to stare up at the ceiling.

Robbie leaned forward to ensure he was in Gary’s eye line, “Gary, it’s alright – you’re ok. You’re in hospital but you’re ok. I’m here…and so is your mum. She’s just gone to get coffees. She’ll be here soon, and will be so happy to see you awake!” Robbie beamed, he knew he was wittering on, but the relief he felt in his heart was slowly turning to a sickening nervousness as Gary seemingly continued to ignore his words, almost as he hadn’t even heard them at all.  
Growing impatient as well as fearful, Robbie continued to stare down at Gary, trying to obscure the older man’s view of the ceiling, thus attempting to force Gary to look directly at him; trying to see any kind of hint of recognition in those beautiful green-blue eyes.

Nothing.

“Gary, please can you look at me, so I know you understand, please Gaz – just look me in the eyes...” Robbie could fill tears filling his own eyes, now.   
Gary blinked but still looked forward as if he were simply staring through Robbie.  
“Please Gaz – I need you to look at me now, I need you to see me”, Robbie implored, his voice now a little stronger, a little sterner, “Please baby – look at me!”   
Gary’s eyes immediately darted to his. Robbie held his breath, just as Gary held his gaze, “Baby – you hear me ok? You understand?” he timidly questioned.  
Gary starred at him a little longer, with a slightly confused look on his face, and Robbie felt his own heart squeeze painfully inside him.  
“Gary, you know who I am, righ’?” he quietly asked, “you know me, baby - don’t you?”   
Confusion, only confusion was conveyed in those lovely eyes.  
Robbie felt a tear escape and drop directly onto Gary's cheek below.

Gary blinked with the stimulation, and looked Robbie directly in the eyes - the confusion instantly faded. Robbie at last saw the recognition in Gary’s eyes, he had been praying for, and his entire body flooded with relief as he felt Gary’s fingers wrap around his own hand still resting be Gary’s side.   
Robbie smiled as he held on to Gary’s hand, and gently stroked its delicate skin, before he brought the hand to his lips and kissed it softly. Gary continued to look at him and even tried to smile, but the mask placed over his mouth prevented it. Instinctively, Gary reached up to grab the mask and remove it, but Robbie stopped him, “No no, baby – you need that. You need to keep that on, for now”, he smiled sadly. Gary removed his hand from the mask, and simply laid there staring at Robbie. Robbie moved to sit on the edge of the bed beside him. Still holding Gary’s hand, he stroked a few strands of stray loose hairs off his boyfriend’s brow with the other, “I love you so much Gaz, I love you so very, very much – you are my everything”, he sweetly smiled.   
Gary merely blinked in reply, but it needn’t matter, in Gary’s eyes Robbie saw all that he needed to see…  
Love.

***********************************************************************

 

“Robbie, they just need to do their work and check him over, it won’t take long”, Marjorie Barlow told Robbie calmly, as they were ushered into the waiting area outside Gary’s room, “they’ll let us see him when they’ve finished, it’ll be ok – just a little longer, and then we’ll see our lad”, she beamed.   
“I know Marj, I just…I just want him to know we’re still here, so he knows we’ve not left him”, Robbie said, feeling more than a little impatient to be back by Gary’s side.  
“He knows we’re here dear – besides, it won’t be long now” she replied, “in fact, why don’t you go make some calls, let the others know”, she helpfully offered.  
Robbie numbly nodded, not really wanting to, but needing to do something to distract himself nevertheless.   
All he truly wanted was to be by Gary’s side, and never leave it again.

***********************************************************************

 

“Gary, just because you’re in hospital, doesn’t mean you can get away with cheating!” Mark laughed as he found the ‘Ace of Hearts’ playing card covertly hidden amongst Gary’s bed covers. Gary grinned rather sheepishly but returned to surveying the hand of cards he was currently holding. 

It had been two days since Gary had first awoken, and Mark had come to visit again. He had brought fresh clothes for Robbie, and was currently keeping Gary company while Robbie freshened up.  
“Have they told you when you’re likely be moved to another wing?” Mark asked him slowly. Gary was recovering well but was still struggling a tad to process what people said, one of the nurse’s had referred to it as ‘a kind of sleep drunkenness’.   
Gary simply shrugged his shoulders.  
“It’d be nice to have some windows in here, s’all. It’d give you something to look out at”, Mark suggested, keeping his words slow and clear.   
Gary put down his cards, and picked up the pad and pen beside him. He scribbled upon it for a moment, before he turned the page around for Mark to see.  
Mark read back the message Gary had written there, aloud, _“I don’t mind, but Robbie could use it”_  
“Hmm, yeah – he certainly has been here a long while. The whole time in fact!” Mark commented.  
Gary took the pad back in order to scribble another message. He’d been using a pad and pen to communicate, ever since the doctors warned him his throat was still incredibly bruised and would need time to heal. That meant no talking.   
Finished scribbling, Gary held the note pad up to show Mark again:   
_I know, and he needs a break from this place. Can you try to convince him to go home for bit, or go outside for a walk?_  
But Mark shook his head, “I would if I could, but he won’t go Gaz, I’ve already tried. He wants to be here with you.” Mark told him, “Besides, there’s still a lot of reporters lurking out the front, not to mention the steady number of fans that have been camped out there since the news broke. It’s probably best he doesn’t go out and have to deal with it. I don’t think he’s quite up to that yet.” Mark remarked.  
Gary nodded, somewhat sombrely, and returned to the playing cards.

A little while later, Robbie returned looking somewhat fresher in clean clothes, although his face was still sunken and pale, there was dark circles under his eyes plus several days’ worth of whisker growth, and Robbie did not grow beards well.  
“Rob, Gaz was just saying – well, writing; that you should have a proper freshen-up back at home, give you a chance to have a proper kip too”, Mark carefully suggested, as he shared a side look with Gary.  
“Impossible, mate", Robbie told him straight, "– they’re gonna move Gary soon. I need to be here for that”, he said with a note of finality in his voice.   
Ignoring the ‘shut-down’, Gary furrowed his eyebrows and picked up his pad to scribble a stern response:  
 _Rob! You NEED a BREAK!!! I’ll be fine!_ it said.  
But Robbie shook his head, “I don’t need a break” he told them both defensively.  
“You do, Rob!” Mark interjected.  
“And what if they move you while I’m not here?!” Robbie questioned Gary.  
Gary simply pointed back at his pad with his pen to further emphasise his point, specifically the part where it read: _’I’ll be fine’_.   
Robbie looked at him and sighed, “I can’t leave you, Gaz – they said you need stimulation to help with your…you know, brain speed”, he told his boyfriend carefully as to not offend him.  
Gary huffed out a sigh and fell back against the pillows, defeated.  
“Well”, Mark slowly interjected with a ponder, “I was reading something yesterday about how people use music with coma and Amnesia patients, and well, I know you’ve not got amnesia Gaz, but it still might help”, he reasoned, “Would you like that, Gaz? Would you like to listen to some music?” he asked Gary slowly.  
Gary beamed brightly with much agreement, nodding his head enthusiastically (or at least, as well as he could given the neck brace); he loved the thought of hearing some music – especially since there was nothing of the sort in the ICU, apart from the steady beeping of hospital machinery, here, there and seemingly bloody everywhere around him.

Robbie looked between them, sceptically. He still didn’t like the thought of leaving Gary, but equally knew he couldn’t trust Mark to pick out suitable music for Gary.   
“Fine, but I won’t be long!” he huffed, feeling he’d been somewhat manipulated by them both.  
Mark and Gary shared a knowing smile.

*************************************************************************

 

Gary loved the music Robbie had brought him back. It helped him relax, but more importantly, Robbie too. Robbie had been taking such good care of him, but was paying the inevitable price for it. Even with the small rest time at home, Robbie still looked a shattered wreak. Don’t get him wrong, Gary knew he equally looked a mess; the small reflections he’d surreptitiously caught off doctor’s shiny equipment waved in front of his face, had shown him he was a sore sight to see. For one thing, his eyes had looked severely bloodshot from the strangling, and he knew that wasn’t the only mark left from Lucas’ attack.  
Lucas. Gary didn’t ever want to think of that man again. He still couldn’t believe this had all happened. He could have died, he could have been murdered by Lucas! It still terrified him at times, particularly when he was trying to sleep at night.  
…and Gary wasn’t the only one to be terrified by that thought.

Robbie was dozing in the chair. He wasn’t really sleeping. It was more like he was revisiting his thoughts while his eyes were shut to the world. Sometimes he still couldn’t grasp what was reality and what was merely a dream, or more correctly, a nightmare. All he knew was he was so extremely lucky - Gary was alive, and considering all that’d he’d been through, Gary was also recovering well.  
There was suddenly a bang from somewhere that disturbed Robbie’s uneasy slumber, and it was rapidly followed by the crashing sound of shattering glass. Robbie’s eyes flicked open like a light being switched on, and the hospital room came flooding back into blurry view. He turned to his side to horrifyingly see Gary learning over the side of the bed, reaching down to try and retrieve the broken glass.  
Robbie immediately flung into action.  
“Gaz! What are you doing?!” Robbie gasped with alarm, “Don’t you bother with that, I’ll sort it. What were you even trying to do?” he questioned sternly.  
Gary didn’t bother reaching for his writing pad, instead opting for his own brand of sign language which involved him using a gesture to indicate drinking.  
Robbie furrowed his eyebrows with deep concern, “You should’ve waited for me to help you, rather than try that yourself…in fact I shouldn’t have been sleeping, at all!”  
Gary frowned and rolled his eyes, knowing Robbie needed to take it more easy on himself, but being helpless to tell him so. Gary felt his boyfriend was taking for too much upon himself, and needed to relax a bit, and above all look after himself.   
As if he could read Gary’s mind, and by now Robbie indeed felt he generally could. Robbie frowned back, “I know what you’re thinking, that I’m making a big deal of nothing, and fussing too much, but Gaz – I’m just worried for you, and want to look after you, s’all”, Robbie reasoned.  
Gary’s lips twitched into a sad smile, he knew Robbie’s intention was true, but still couldn’t help the look of the concern in his eyes.   
Robbie shook his head, he knew Gary was worried about him over-doing it by being at the hospital all the time, but he also knew Gary didn’t understand how it felt to have come so close to losing the love of your life.   
Could anyone blame Robbie for now not wanting to be apart from Gary?!   
Gary had nearly died. It had come too close to think about it, but Robbie did – constantly.   
And he still blamed himself, for it all getting so close – he should’ve been there, he shouldn’t have left Gary on his own, he should’ve tried to get Lucas out of Gary’s life earlier, he should’ve not helped Lucas out by driving Gary away and into that creep’s waiting arms, he should’ve given Gary time and not foolishly proposed to fix everything, he should’ve not lied to Gary. He should’ve NEVER cheated on him in the first place!   
Yes, Robbie’s mind went from ‘zero to sixty’ in two seconds flat, and it always amounted to the same thing for him, that it was somehow, all _his_ fault.   
He was to blame. 

Now it was Gary’s turn to read Robbie’s mind.   
He knew Robbie still blamed himself for what happened. Which was stupid, Gary figured, since Robbie was the one who (along with Mark) had saved his life! Both he and Robbie had made mistakes, and yes, some were massive – but the only person to blame for recent events was the man now locked up, and awaiting trial for attempted murder.   
Gary shook his head lightly with that thought, and gestured for Robbie to come nearer. He smiled as Robbie squeakily scrapped his chair across the floor, to bring him in closer proximity to Gary. Gary smiled as he looked at Robbie with that hopeless puppy dog look in his eyes, and motioned for Robbie’s hand. When Robbie conceded and offered a hand, Gary grasped it in both of his, and squeezed it gently and affectionately. No words were said, none were needed. They simply looked into each other’s eyes and found the peace and understanding they needed, then and there.

 

Marjorie Barlow watched the couple for the window in the door. She had popped in for a visit, and brought Gary some fruit to eat but stopped in her track to watch the wordless exchange between the two men in the hospital room. She watched with a knowing smile as Gary released Robbie’s hand and opened his arms, motioning he wanted a hug. Robbie was more than happy to oblige, and whilst still leaning from his chair he nevertheless fell into Gary’s arms.   
He melted against Gary’s warm chest in an instant, pressing his ear against it as his head rested under Gary’s chin; and feeling further relief as he heard that steady heart beat echo from inside. Reassured, he smiled and wrapped his arms around Gary further, before clambering slightly haphazardly on to the side of the bed to continue the comforting hold on his partner.

Still watching the loving exchange, Marjorie remained smiling and very much on the other side of the door. In fact, instead of barging in on them, she figured she would do best to go and get herself a coffee, first. 

******************************************************************************

 

“Aw this is more like it, Gaz! You’ve got windows and even a TV in this room.” Howard said with glee as he walked into the new hospital room, “How are you feeling, mate?” he asked as he took a seat next to Rob on one side of Gary’s bed, while both Mark and Jason occupied those on the other side. Gary smiled, happy to have all the lads around him.

It had been a fair few days since Robbie had started playing music to Gary, following Mark’s suggestion. The doctors had moved Gary out of the ICU, and he had undergone a series of tests and the doctors had told him the results were continuing to be promising; his cognitive abilities were steadily improving, and although still a little jittery, his coordination nevertheless showed little damage. Gary had even begun physiotherapy, and no longer needed an oxygen mask. The only issue was his neck and throat which very clearly showed the trauma he had suffered at Lucas’ hands. The skin was still heavily inflamed and now the neck brace had been removed, the extensive degree of bruising was incredibly evident. It was quite a horrific sight, and Robbie was just glad Gary couldn’t see it, or the blood shot eyes that were yet to clear up. It would all heal, Robbie knew that but currently it only served as a constant reminder of how close they all came to losing Gary forever.

Robbie couldn’t dwell on that, he knew he shouldn’t (Gary was after all, still keeping a close eye on him to make sure he didn’t dwell on it) but it was hard. Robbie knew he needed to concentrate on the future, and the fact that despite the bruising, Gary had already made it through so much, especially having miraculously escaped permanent brain damage after the lack of oxygen he’d suffered.  
Robbie had so much to be thankful for. He had also been informed that charges would not be brought against him for assaulting Lucas. The police weren’t happy with the large extent to which Robbie acted to defend Gary, but were satisfied enough to let him off with a warning.   
It still made Robbie angry though – ‘so what, Lucas had a black eye? He nearly killed Gary!’ Robbie would often think to himself, still unconvinced Lucas had paid enough for his abusive actions. Robbie replayed the dark thoughts and memories of that man – the man he hated more than anyone on the planet. And the deeper he fell, the darker the thoughts became. Luckily, there was always someone there to bring him out of the poisonous reverie…  
A warm, soft hand suddenly grabbed his, and Robbie automatically turned to see his boyfriend smile into his eyes. It was beautiful. It was real. It was life.  
In an instant, the dark thoughts were gone. He held Gary’s hand back and gave it a reassuring squeeze; so thankful he actually could. 

The lads chatted for a few hours about things, and had a great laugh; gently ribbing Gary’s handwriting when they had trouble reading his illegible scribbles. It was great for the lads to all be together, and just be ‘normal’, albeit for Gary’s missing voice but hopefully that would return in time too. The last week had been one of the worst they’d had as a band, and now they all just needed to heal, and this was how Take That did that, just as they always had – together, as a band, having a laugh.

Robbie checked his watch, he knew Gary’s mum was coming in and was expected to talk to Doctors about Gary’s progress. Robbie had no legal right to know such medical information from the doctors themselves, and was overall okay with that but it was frustrating for someone as impatient as Robbie, to await for Gary’s mum to tell him. The doctors would encourage Gary, and diligently informed him on how well he was doing. But it seemed there were still things they wouldn’t tell him, maybe as to not deter him on the road to recovery.

 

It wasn’t until a hour later that Robbie noticed Marjorie outside the door, talking to a doctor, as predicted. He watched the exchange carefully, while the lads’ friendly chatter continued around him. His eyes narrowed slightly as he watched the body language change, and Gary’s mum suddenly gasp bringing both hands up to her mouth. Robbie’s blood suddenly chilled. He continued looking at the pair outside the door, absentmindedly squeezing Gary’s hand just that little but tighter.  
Robbie watched on with fear entering his heart, as Marjorie herself looked deeply saddened. She simply nodded her head at the doctor then turned her attention to the room, where she locked eyes with Robbie in an instant.   
Robbie gulped.  
“Hello boys”, Marjorie greeted the occupants in the room as she entered, keeping her voice carefully even. She was not alone, the same doctor she had been speaking with accompanied her into the room. She approached the bed and provided Gary with a soft kiss on the cheek, before she turned to his band mates, “Sorry boys, but do you mind if we just have the room a moment, the doctors need to do a check-up”, she calmly asked. Robbie instantly knew it was a lie, and as if she could read his thoughts, she turned to meet Robbie’s eyes, and silently communicated for him to stay.  
“No worries”, Howard said, “We’ll be outside”, and with that the three lads deftly exited the room. That left Gary with his mum and Robbie, as well as the doctor.  
“Gary, sweetheart – the doctor just wants to have a word ok. I don’t want you to worry, we will get through this", she told him, her voice strong but saddened.  
Now both Robbie and Gary were really worried. They turned to the Doctor, with grey, ashen faces resembling that of someone awaiting judgement.

“Mr Barlow”, the Doctor began – his voice level, “We’ve finished analysing your recent test results and examinations, and we are very happy with all but one aspect of your recovery”, he said matter-of-factly. Neither Gary nor Robbie had time to celebrate the positive news in that statement, since both were instead transfixed by the negative connotations _“all but one aspect”_ brought to their minds. Robbie swallowed a dry lump, and squeezed Gary’s hand a little tighter still.  
Gary gently nodded his head at the Doctor, gesturing for the man in the white coat to continue.  
He did.  
“There is still a great amount of inflammation around your throat area. The damage to the trachea overall, is superficial and will heal, but around the Pharynx and in particular, the Larynx; we are now able to visualise a more accurate picture of the injury you have incurred there, and the extent. There remains a lot of pressure on your vocal cords, the Larynx has taken on a lot of damage. When the swelling goes down we will get you into surgery to help strengthen that area, which should allow you to start talking again.”  
Gary nodded slowly, sensing there was still something yet to be said. Robbie looked on at the doctor, fearing exactly what that ‘something’ was.  
“Although we are very optimistic with regards to you gaining your speech back after the surgery”, the Doctor continued, “It may never be as it was, in fact any added friction on the larynx could cause further irreparable damage, particularly if extensively used”.  
Gary was confused, he was still having trouble processing but at the same time feared he had understood only far too well. Robbie on the other hand needed clarification, “What are you trying to say?” he asked, sounding a little irritated; he just needed to know what was going on in _layman’s terms!_   
The doctor momentarily paused before he audibly cleared his throat, "Singing professionally will be incompatible with ensuring permanent recovery. Mr Barlow - even with regaining your speech, it is unlikely you will be able to sing professionally, ever again”.

Gary’s heart jumped into his throat. A deathly cold shiver coursed through every vein in his body as the words slowly sunk in, and chillingly settled into his soul.   
He was never going to sing again.  
 _‘No!’_ inwardly screaming, but physically only able to shake his head; furiously unwilling to accept the Doctor’s words.   
_'It just couldn’t be true! It couldn’t!'_ He wanted to cry out but of course couldn’t even do that!  
He was trapped in silent torment, and couldn’t take it. The tears began to fall from his painfully distraught eyes, and he could do nothing, would do nothing to stop them. The pain in his heart was far too great.

All Robbie could physically do was throw his arms around his boyfriend, and hold him close; rocking him gently to try calm the tearful man, and console him best he could. Yet in his heart he shared the devastation, he could feel Gary’s great pain radiate out from his fragile body and into his own; it wasn’t long before his own tears joined Gary’s.   
‘Was it true?’ Robbie’s mind inwardly begged, ‘Was Gary Barlow never to sing again?!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who said there always has to be a happy ending?! ;) ....luckily there's still 2 chapters and an epilogue to come yet, so all is not lost just yet! :)   
> Thank you so much for reading and your continued support with this fic xxx


	39. Only You Can Show Me Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary has been told he may not be able to sing again, so what now will he do. His friends rally around to help, but will that help spell an end to the love birds happiness?! I sense drama! ;)  
> *Apologies for the long wait*

## Only you can show me now

“Poor Gaz” Mark said, “How is he doing?” He asked Robbie.  
“How do you think he’s doing?” came Robbie’s rhetoric reply. After he and Marjorie had finally got Gary to sleep, albeit a restless sleep at best – Marjorie had asked Robbie to let the other band members know the far from good news regarding Gary’s vocal chords. Although hesitant to leave Gary’s side, Robbie eventually agreed and had arranged for the three other lads to join him for a coffee around Mark’s.  
He had began considering how best to tell them, knowing the consequences affected them, as well as Gary - but in the end there was no easy way to say it but to repeat just as the doctor had told him and Marjorie. At first, the three other lads had all fallen into a stunned silence. Shocked, dazed, overwhelmed. They proceeded to stay that way for quite some time before Mark had finally broken the silence with his question. Robbie surveyed the other two men the room, trying to read their minds but Howard simply remained quiet and contemplative, with his eyes directed downwards; while Jason just looked on sombrely.

“Can we see him?” Mark asked tentatively, unsure whether it was a good idea or not.  
“Of course you can see him, Mark – now he’s out of the ICU, you can go anytime”.  
“I know Rob, but I mean – is he ready to see us?” Mark asked meaningfully, as he looked up at Robbie with newly glistening eyes.  
Robbie knew why they glistened, for he too had tears in his own eyes. They were all heartbroken for Gary of course, but he knew what else they were all thinking about too. He just wondered who would be the first to voice it. Robbie understood that as a floating member it may seem like he wasn’t as invested in the band, as the others. But Take That was in his heart always, it had brought him all he had now, including the man of his dreams - literally! He owed that band everything. They all did.

After a moment's pause, Robbie remembered Mark's question and simply shrugged his shoulders, for he honestly had no idea if Gary was ready to see them, if in fact he’d ever be ready. Mark gave a small curt nod, his face pale and grave. He understood all too well.  
“I better go call Jonathan”, Howard suddenly piped up from nowhere. The other lads immediately looked at him with surprise and somewhat confusion, but he quickly explained; “We’ve got to cancel the album release, and thank god we hadn’t announced the tour yet!”  
“Why do we need to cancel the album?” Mark innocently asked.  
“Are you kiddin’ Mark?!” Howard scorned, “We can’t have our _potentially_ last album come out while this is all happening. It’s not right.”  
“But, who says it’ll be our last album?” Mark countered quite determinedly.  
“Did you not hear him Mark?! Gary can’t sing! If he can’t sing, Take That is over. There is no Take That without Gary Barlow!…and we certainly can’t go out on this album, especially with all baggage it has! I mean, for christ’s sake – we were making it when right under our noses Gary was going through hell, and we did nothing! And it ended in his attempted murder! What do you think the press and critics will be talking about – THAT, or our melodic harmonies?!”  
“I know that Howard!” Mark snapped, immediately irritated by Howard’s insinuation that he was somehow being insensitive, “but that’s not what I meant! Rob only said he MAY not sing again! We have to think positive! That’s what Gary would do!” He told them all sternly. Mark actually felt far from positive if truth be told, but he was determined to act so - for all their sakes.

“Mark, with all the positive will in the world, you have to realise it might not happen.” Robbie pragmatically told him, “We’re not spring chickens, and yes I did say _may_ , and I want to believe more than anything that Gaz will sing again – but the odds are against us, Mark”.  
“You mean, against _us_ ”, came Howard's pointed comment, referring to him, Jason and Mark, “Like you said, you’re a floating member!”  
“Howard, don’t be like that!” Jason then chipped in, concerned at how tense the room had suddenly become.  
“I’m not being like anything Jay, and I’m not being horrible Rob, but we all know this affects us three and Gaz, more than you, mate”.  
Robbie shook his head in the upmost disbelief that Howard could think that.  
“Are you serious?! The love of my life has just been told he may not be able to do the one thing he loves most in the world – do you honestly think I could go on singing if Gary can’t?!” Robbie flatly told them all.  
Mark looked staggered at Robbie’s admission, “you’d honestly give up singing too?” Mark asked him.  
“If Gary’s forced into retirement, then I will join him – I have no doubts or qualms about that. I’m just sorry it means the same for Take That – but maybe there’s a way the band can still go on without me and Gaz”.  
Jason looked at Mark and Howard and instantly knew what they were thinking too. The cold hard fact of it was there was no Take That without Gary Barlow, and none of them even wanted there to be one neither. Yes, Robbie may’ve been able to temporary step in, but without them both – it was useless. Gary either recovered, or the band was done. It was as simple as that.

“That’s not going to happen, mate”, Jason told him, knowing all three were in silent agreement about one thing at least. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, just yet" he added, "We need to support Gaz right now, and just be there to help however we can. There’s no good in thinking too much about the future right now. His recovery is the most important thing first and foremost, and that’s our only focus, for now....are we all agreed?" He asked sternly.  
Without hesitation, the other three gave small nods in turn, all in agreement, and knowing Jason was absolutely right. Mark turned back to Howard, “Call Jonathan, and cancel the album release then” Mark advised the oldest member, knowing it was just what had to be done.  
Howard gave a regretful knowing nod, “ok, it's just for time being, ey Mark. I’m not saying forever…not just yet, anyway.” he softly replied, and sombrely pulled out his mobile phone to indeed, call their manager. The others could do nothing more, but look on.

****************************************************************

 

Very unexpectedly, only a day went by before Gary told Robbie, he wanted to see the other lads; and diligently responding to the beckoning, albeit slightly nervously, they all turned up at the hospital the very next afternoon. Gary was due to be back in surgery the next day for the necessary operation to release the pressure on his vocal chords. If it were to go successfully, then it was hoped it wouldn’t be long before he could talk more comfortably, at least. For the meantime, however, a mate of Gary’s had set up a laptop computer with reader software, for him to use instead. That way he could be spared of the playful chiding his band mates gave his somewhat eligible and rather scribbly handwriting. The software would simply read out what Gary typed, and had predictive text for efficiency, although not always accurate – often frustrating for Gary, but hilarious for those around him.

The boys walked into the hospital room and were warmly welcomed by their band leader. On inspection, Gary seemed ok; he was smiling and silently laughing along with the lads' attempts to cheer him up. Yet, they all knew it was only the appearance of being ok. Robbie could tell Gary was still struggling with the recent news, and was only putting on a brave face for the sake of the lads. They had all in fact known Gary long enough to know he would try to silently burden it all on his own shoulders. They didn’t want him to do that, and yet it was so also much easier just not talking about it at all. Just pretending like the future of the band didn’t currently hang precariously in the balance. In fact ‘pretending’ suited them all fine, even though there was something that threatened to smash the thin glass roof of blissful denial and pretence, they all currently dwelled under – the need to tell Gary about the album being pulled.  
Gary needed to know, it just wasn’t right to not tell him. Robbie thought now was not the time, but had (by messaging) been outvoted by the other lads who felt it was imperative Gary heard it from them and not hearsay from someone else.  
Howard (as oldest) had drawn the short straw, and was tasked with actually telling Gary.  
....

“…..so Jonathan’s been in touch with the Labels. From the sounds of it, it wasn’t anything they weren’t already expecting given the circumstances, but Jonathan says we still need to release a statement since the media already had wind of a new album” Howard finished telling him.  
_“HOW LONG WILL WE DELAY IT FOR?”_ the robotic sound of Gary’s reader software filled the room with the question they'd all silently dreaded.  
“Ehmm…no date shift, just a delay until further notice.” Howard told him.  
_“IT’S A SHAME. IT’S A GOOD ALBUM.”_  
“You think?” Mark ventured, at Gary's surprise response.  
_”YOU DON’T? SURE, IT NEEDED SOME TWEAKS AND I’M NOT DENYING MY HEAD WASN'T 100% IN IT. I WASN’T IN A ~~HOME~~ GOOD PLACE FOR MOST OF IT BUT I CAN WORK ON THAT HERE WITH MY LAPTOP. ROBBIE CAN BRING IN A BIT MORE EQUIPMENT IN FOR ME TO WORK ON. IT JUST NEEDS A POLISH, AND A SPRINKLE OF SOMETHING. THEN IT’LL BE GREAT.”_  
The lads looked at each other....it was obvious, Gary was in denial.  
“Gaz – ”  
_“MOST IMPORTANTLY IT’LL REASSURE THE FANS. THEY’VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT WITH ALL THIS TOO. ALL THIS DOESN’T JUST AFFECT US. IT MAY BE A WHILE BEFORE I AM ABLE TO PERFORM AGAIN SO A NEW ALBUM WILL HELP FILL THE VOID”_  
“But Gaz…putting the album out will just make them think there will be a tour soon - we can’t give them hope –”  
_“WHY NOT?”_  
“The doctors said –“  
_“HAVE GIVEN ME THEIR OPINION, BUT I WILL SING AGAIN. BESIDES THEY ONLY SAID I PERHAPS SHOULDN’T SING AGAIN, NOT THAT I COULDN’T.”_  
Robbie sighed, “Gaz, that’s not what they meant and you know it”.  
_“ROBBIE, I KNOW MY BODY – I CAN DO THIS, I KNOW I CAN.”_  
“Gaz –” Robbie tried…  
_“I AM NOT GOING TO LET MY FOOLISHNESS BE THE END OF TAKE THAT! I CAN’T BE THE CAUSE OF TAKE THAT ENDING. I CAN’T RUIN YOUR LIVES TOO WITH THIS MESS THAT I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR. IN FACT AS SOON AS I’M BACK ON MY FEET, I’LL GET IN TOUCH WITH THE INSURANCE COMPANY AND FIGURE IT OUT. I DON’T WANT ANY OF YOU TO ~~SURFER~~ SUFFER BECAUSE OF ME. I’LL SORT IT OUT DON’T WORRY_ ” 

All of them knew, this was typical Gary Barlow - always trying to be the strong one, for their sakes. Forever the positive one. Looking out for them, all for them, all the time. But they couldn’t let him shoulder the burden he was placing on his own shoulders, not when he had such a long road to recovery before him. It wasn't fair or productive.  
They all looked at each other, knowing what needed to be said, but unsure as to who was going to say it. Mark and Howard, for their part looked at Robbie, but it was Jason that cleared his throat…  
“Gaz –”, Jason started, “None of this is your fault. You are not the cause of all this. We’re just trying to make things easier, and besides, the album is already postponed.” he told him squarely, “You take the time you need to recover, and we will sort out everything else after that. But I don’t want you thinking about us, we’re perfectly fine. We’ve other stuff to concentrate on outside Take That for the time being, so you can just concentrate on getting better”.  
“yeah, Gaz – and we are all here to support you with that” Mark added, “so don’t think you need to go through any of this alone – we are all here standing beside you, and will remain so”. 

Gary smiled at that, but as Mark and the other lads carefully observed, it was a smile full of a secret sadness.

 

*********************************************************

“Robbie, someone’s got to talk to him, he’s obviously in denial”, Jason said as they walked into the hospital café. The nurses had just shooed the lads out of Gary’s room to let him rest.  
“I know”, Robbie sighed, deeply troubled. He sounded depressed, but actually he was just so conflicted. He genuinely didn’t know what to do for the best.  
“It’ll just make it harder for him in the long run. I know he’s trying to be positive, but the way he’s talking...” Jason continued.  
“I know”, Robbie mumbled.  
“Well, I don’t!” Howard suddenly spoke up. The other two lads turned to look at him in surprise. Mark was still off getting the coffees.  
Howard starred them down, “I’m serious – Gaz is right! We need to stay positive, I trust his judgement. He wants to believe he’ll get through this, then who am I to stand in his way?!”  
“Wow, you’ve changed your mind!" Jason commented, "Besides – no one’s going to stand in his way, Doug – it’s not about being positive, it’s about being realistic” he told the older man.  
“Jay – you’re always the one who talks about the power of positivity!” Howard challenged, “I know I was all about cancelling the album potentially indefinitely – but Gaz is right, it is a good album. It deserves to be heard.”  
“We never said it didn’t”, Robbie said slightly defensively.  
“I know, but what I’m saying is, let’s release a statement just to say it’s delayed until Gary’s better. There’s no need for anyone else, particularly the press to know about the voice situation. Let’s just see how it works out!” Howard suggested.  
“And if it doesn’t work out?”  
“Then we release another statement at a later time”, Howard told them, “But let’s just see how it goes.”  
“I don’t get it Howard – a couple of days ago you were telling Mark, Take That were as good as over, and that this album can’t be the one it ends on!” Robbie said, “How comes you think so differently now? Is it just cos’ of what Gary said?” he asked his band mate, “Because you know Gaz was just saying all that to put on a brave face”.  
“I know, but Rob, he’s right!” Howard replied undeterred, “…and besides he’s not the only one to think so. Elliot Kennedy rang me this morning, and he’s apparently been talking to Jonathan about it all already, but he’s been looking into getting help for Gaz, and by all accounts it sounds really promising!”  
Robbie gave Howard a shrewd look, “What kind of help?" he asked, immediately feeling his back muscles tense for some reason, "And why hasn’t he spoken to me about it?” he demanded further, feeling irritated that _he_ \- Gary’s boyfriend, hadn't been involved, or even informed.  
“I don’t know, maybe he’s just putting the feelers out before he talks to you and Gaz about it.” Howard reasoned, with a shrug.  
Robbie audibly huffed, “Unlikely!” he spat, “He probably thinks I've no right to know or can’t look after Gaz right, so he's taking over! He’s never been that supportive of me and Gaz!” he recalled quite bitterly.  
“That’s nonsense Rob, he’s just trying to be a supportive mate” Howard reasoned.  
“Yeah, that’s why he’s trying to plan all this behind my back!” Robbie retorted, voice full of indignation.  
“Don’t be stupid – he’s just trying to make things easier for you both, besides nothings decided – it’s just an idea, that’s all.” Howard told him, this time failing to keep his voice low.  
“Guys – keep your voices down – otherwise it’ll be all over the six o’clock news!” Jason hastily hushed them.  
“Jay – don’t you agree Elliot should’ve spoken to me about it, first?” Rob questioned the willowy man.  
Jason put his hands up defensively as two flustered faces turned to him for an answer, “Hey, I’m just wondering how long it takes Mark Owen to get four coffees”, he said with a nervous laugh, and walked off in search of Mark, but mostly to escape the clouds of tension that had quickly gathered.

Both lads left at the table, watched the tall bearded man get up and walk away. Howard sighed, “Don’t take this personally, Rob. Gary has a lot of people that care about him, and want to help. That’s all this is. I’m sure Elliot will speak to you if anything comes of it. He just doesn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up!” He told him, evenly, his voice much softer now.  
“Yeah, I guess”, Robbie replied with a shrug, but in his head, he was less than sure.

 

*************************************************************

Three days after Gary’s operation to help his vocal chords, the doctors were pleased with the results and his progress. In fact, they even advised he would soon be ready to continue the rest of his recovery at home.

Robbie was ecstatic at the news. He couldn’t wait to have Gary home. However, he reckoned they would return to his place instead of Gary’s, fearing Gary wasn’t quite ready to be back where it had all happened. 

Gary himself was already doing superbly. He was still using the reader software to support him now and then, but was also starting to use his own very croaky voice. He just had to take it easy, and not rush things; but he was making good progress. Every day Robbie left him at the hospital, it was hard, but at least Gary was brighter and smiling a lot more, especially when Robbie then returned...usually carrying a small hoard of music equipment with him.

 

**********************************************************************

Few days later and Robbie was back at the hospital, the to-ing and fro-ing, now routine.  
It was early morning, and under his arm he carried yet another laptop to accompany the magnitude of technology he already brought to the hospital for Gary. In fact, Gary was slowly building himself a portable studio, making music to simply keep him busy. Robbie was happy to see Gary getting back to normal things. He loved watching Gary work, seeing the concentrated look on his face, but most of all knowing Gary enjoyed every minute he spent doing it.

Every now and then a chill would wind its snake-like way down Robbie’s back when he would suddenly recall the horrendous past events that landed Gary in hospital, but luckily Gary only had to turn to Robbie with his famous lopsided grin and the cold darkness that momentarily ensnared Robbie’s soul would dissipate in an instant. Robbie felt so lucky. 

Complete with the laptop, Robbie made his approach to Gary’s hospital wing, waving to the familiar faces of the staff there, when he saw Marjorie Barlow stood outside Gary’s room. The expression on her face led him to believe she was seemingly waiting for him.  
“Alrigh’ Marge?” Robbie asked warmly.  
“Mornin’ Darlin’,” Mrs Barlow smiled at him, but it seemed a little hesitant to Robbie, like there was an impatience there which wasn't up for small talk. Whatever it was, the feeling immediately had Robbie on edge, “Is everything ok?” he asked gingerly.  
“Eh, Gary’s fine” Mrs Barlow replied, “– we’ve just been sorting a few things out actually, and well…Robbie darling, I’m going to take Gary back home up to Cheshire when he gets released from the hospital.”  
Robbie was not expecting that.  
“What? I don’t understand”, he asked, dumbfounded.  
“I just think all things considered, it’s the best thing for him”, she told him, “I hope you can understand, sweetheart. It's nowt about you, we'd all just feel better if he was in Cheshire”.  
He didn’t understand. “But I was going to take him back to my place”, Robbie replied, “– he loves it there, and the dogs are there. He’s missed them so much!” Robbie had it all planned, he wanted his evenings with Gary back, he wanted his lazy mornings waking up in Gary’s arms, back. He wanted his happiness with Gary, back - he wanted it all back!  
“I know sweetheart,” she continued, “and although he would love to be there, even Gary agrees it’s for the best that he comes back with me”.  
Boy, did those words cut through Robbie like a serrated knife! Processing her exact words, Robbie felt a weight drop in his heart, and the images of waking up in Gary’s arms quickly began to fizzle away like rapidly deflating balloons.  
“He’s already agreed to this?!” he asked in disbelief.  
“Yes, Darling.” She said softly, with understanding eyes, “Listen – like I said, it’s nowt against you sweetheart, he just thinks –”  
“What? That I’m not able to look after him at home?” He questioned angrily, both his volume and tone increasing, “Does he think I can't look after him?!...Do you?! Because I can look after him! I saved his life! Why wouldn’t he want to come back with me?!” .  
“It’s not about that.” Marjorie tried to reassure him, “He just has to get this recovery right, and that’s going to take a lot of time and energy, and he simply doesn’t want to put too much pressure on you, s’all”.  
Robbie wasn’t buying it. “He thinks I can’t look after him!” he defensively spat, covering for the hurt he felt in his heart.  
“No! Not at all! He knows you can, he just also knows you’ve a lot on your plate with your own work too, and he says he doesn’t want to burden you too much, Darling – that’s all”, Mrs Barlow implored.  
“Burden me?” Robbie questioned bluntly, “Looking after the man I love, is NOT a burden! I want to do it!”  
“Yes, he said you’d say that, but he has to think about what’s best for you, both” she told him truthfully, “He doesn’t want to force you in a position that places too much on your shoulders. His coordination is still far from perfect, he’ll need to see the physiotherapist regularly as well as start vocal therapy, then there’s the check-ups".  
“So he thinks I can’t sort a few appointments?” Robbie laughed with disbelief, deeply offended by Gary's hurtful underestimation of the his caring capabilities.  
“He just doesn’t want to add to your work load” Marjorie tried.  
“He’s not!”  
“Darling...” Marjorie began more strongly, but with a soft hand placed on his shoulder, “please understand – he’s just doesn’t want to put added strain on your relationship – you’re still relatively newly back together and have already gone through a tremendous lot of pain, anguish and stress! He doesn’t want to put pressure on you to look after him on top of all that. You know Gaz; call it magnanimity, or call it pride – he just doesn’t want to be a burden to you. He wants to stay the ‘Gary’ you know, not the Gary that needs help to get dressed, or to get out the bath - even if it is only temporary”, she told Robbie earnestly.

Robbie considered her words carefully, but focused on what was unsaid, “Does he think I’ll resent him for needing to care for him, is that it?!" he probed, "Because I WANT to do all those things. I want to be there for him, for everything, for every minute of every day. Christ! I nearly lost him, Marj - I nearly lost him forever, I don’t want to lose another single moment with him!” he proudly told her, his voice as strong as his words. He felt the need to honestly prove he was both capable and willing.  
Marjorie Barlow sighed, and shook her head gently, “I know that sweetheart", she smiled sadly, "And he knows it too – honestly. But nevertheless, he’s got it in his head he doesn’t want to burden you and well, he’s made up his mind – it’s not forever, it’s just for now, until he’s back on his feet properly. Then he’ll be ready to come home to you, I’m sure of it.” Her eyes spoke the truth, Robbie knew it but at the same time, he knew she was also simply trying to put his mind at rest and dispel the relationship fears. But it was no good. He was pissed off, particularly at the insinuation that he was so shallow as to resent caring for his soul mate. Worst of all, it seemed like it was chiefly Gary who suggested it!

Fuelled with his rising anger, Robbie barged passed Gary’s mum and into his boyfriend’s hospital room.  
“Gary – is this true? You don’t want to come home with me?” he demanded to know, his face now livid.  
Gary’s instant smile at seeing Robbie, faltered and his brows furrowed as he saw Robbie's angry eyes bore deep into his, and they demanded an explanation. His mum quickly followed in, and suddenly it all made sense. Marjorie looked ready to respond on his behalf, but he couldn’t let her take the hit, he needed to explain, Robbie deserved that – “Mum, can you give us a moment?” he asked, his voice still course and sore-sounding.  
“Ok, lads – just take it easy, ok – especially you Gary, think of your voice”, she pointedly said, her eyes full of concern as she surveyed the frown on her son's face.  
“I know, I just need to explain to him properly”, Gary reassured her. The mother and son exchanged a knowing look, and she grudgingly left them to it.  
“Too bloody right you need to explain!” Robbie barked at him, but waited for Gary’s mum to close the door behind her before he continued, “What’s going on Gary? Don’t you want to come back with me?”  
Gary looked at Robbie and smiled sadly, “Baby, I would love to – I just don’t want to put you under so much pressure, I’m not completely myself yet”, Gary said, already feeling his voice strain.  
“I can look after you”, Robbie argued.  
“I know you can, I just don’t want you thinking you have to”.  
“What’s that supposed to mean?! You're my partner, I want to look after you!” Robbie began to raise his voice, not in anger but insistence; he needed to convince Gary his intentions were true. While also simultaneously disguising his hurt at the inferred insinuation that he was unable, or worse, couldn't be arsed to.  
“Rob –”  
“No, Gaz - after everything we’ve been through, I can’t believe you think I’d resent having to look after you! It’s my job!” Robbie implored.  
“I don’t want to feel like a job to you”, Gary said sadly.  
“That’s not what I meant”, Robbie said more softly, trying to understand what was going through Gary’s head.  
But Gary would not relent from his decision.  
“Rob, it’s pointless - my minds made up”, he told the dark brunette, “...Besides, it’s only for a short while” he smiled, hoping to alleviate Robbie's concerns.  
Robbie still couldn’t get it, “But I don’t understand” he retorted, literally voicing his mind. That was until, after a moment's pause, something in his mind suddenly clicked, “….unless….is this about you still not trusting me?!” he asked in a rather accusatory tone.  
“What?!”  
“Yeah, that's it, isn't it?! Do you think I’m going to find caring for you such a hassle that I’m going to go look for fun elsewhere?!” he harshly quizzed, the only smile on his face a hard one, carved out of disbelief.  
“No!” Gary yelled, his voice hoarse.  
“Ha! You always had a bad poker face Gaz!” Robbie harshly mocked, “Well, at least I now know. So not even saving your life, can make you trust me again!” he bitterly huffed. In all honesty it was all show, and merely disguising the hurt he felt in his heart.  
“Rob, that’s… – I don’t think… I thought you’d be ok....when I....ex-plained” Gary strained, both emotionally and physically, as his voice cracked.  
“I said I could look after you. I want to look after you! But the truth is you don’t want me to, because you don’t trust me to.” Robbie concluded.  
Gary’s brow furrowed, and he furiously shook his head, “Ju-st...be-cause my voice is fail...failing me, doesn’t mean y...you can put words in my mouth.” He whispered, his voice no longer strong.  
“I don't need to, I can always tell what you're thinking.” Robbie said bluntly, then recognised the stress Gary was causing on his larynx, “Look - you need to rest your voice. I’m just gonna go”.  
“Please don’t –”, Gary begged, his small voice cracking again.  
“Rest your voice, Gaz!” he told him with a note of finality. His voice sounded hard and unfriendly, but it was out of care. After a moment's pause of contemplative thought, and a heavy sigh, Robbie sadly looked upon the now silent Gary Barlow, and wondered how everything had changed so fast... “I need to go” Robbie told him. Gary made a sudden grab for his hand, but Robbie wouldn’t let him, ”No, don't, Gaz! I’m hurting. …I was here the whole time by your side, willing you to wake up, willing you to be alright. I went through hell with what the doctors were telling us. But I went through it all with the hope that we would come out the other side!” Robbie said glumly.  
“Rob, we - ”  
But it was too late, Robbie had already turned on his heel and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.  
“…will”, Gary croakily finished, feeling utterly miserable at being misunderstood. 

 

********************************************************************************

 

“Wow – that actually sounds like the dumbest argument in history, Gaz” Howard playfully chided his bed-ridden mate.  
“I know, I didn’t mean to hurt him.” Gary said glumly. Howard had come to visit him later that same day. On finding Gary in a less than stellar mood, the older man had gently probed Gary until he finally relinquished details of the fight he had with Robbie earlier on.  
“You’ve only hurt his ego Gaz.” Howard said with a dismissive shrug, “Its Rob. You know how he gets when things don’t go his way”.  
“That’s not fair Doug” Gary quickly rebuked, “I’ve really hurt him. I just honestly thought it’d be easier. I don’t like the thought of anyone having to look after me, I don’t want to be a burden, but Mum – she’s got the time. Rob hasn’t. I don’t want to steal his time."  
Howard sighed, and starred at Gary, knowingly. Although he really couldn’t understand why Robbie would make such a big deal of it, Howard also thought Gary had wildly underestimated Robbie, by a country mile in fact! “Gaz – you wouldn’t be _stealing_ his time. Regardless of the way he reacted, the sentiment behind it is true. He wants to look after you!”  
Gary cast his gaze downward, knowing Howard was right, but still not ready to concede.  
“That said -”, Howard continued, “you know all this is null void if you’ve considered Elliot’s offer.”  
Gary looked up, “The New York clinic? Yeah, I’ve had a look…”  
“And?” Howard pressed, eagerly.  
“It could be months Dougie, maybe longer!” Gary announced, his voice cracking a little. Gary grabbed his throat instinctively, and swallowed painfully, although he had rested his voice since speaking to Robbie, his throat was still inflamed and sore.  
“Gaz – take it easy”, Howard warned, on noticing Gary’s obvious discomfort, and the crack in his voice. “But that’s exactly what I’m talking about”, he continued pointedly, “New York will give you the best chance, Gaz, honestly! I’ve been looking into it…there’s a guy there who is a world leader in vocal rehabilitation, and specialises in your particular trauma to vocal cords. It’s the best option for you”.

Gary still felt unsure, and for one very particular dark haired and tattooed reason, “But I don’t know how long I’d be there for…what about –”  
“You don’t need to worry about a thing” Howard interrupted, “Look Elliot is coming over, he can talk you through it all. But I have to say Gaz; forget going back to your Mum’s or all this stuff with Robbie, it's New York you should be going, straightaway if you can. The sooner, the better. We’ll have you back to your singing self in no time, – I’m sure of it!” He told Gary encouragingly. Howard hoped to persuade him, but could tell Gary was still unsure, and so hoped Elliot would be better able to convince him that New York was the place to go!

******************************************************************************

Robbie was back at the hospital, it was half past five in the evening, which meant he had been sulking the best part of the day, but now he was ready to see Gary again. 

Well, he at least had all intentions of seeing Gary.  
He wanted to make up, of course he did, and he regretted storming out like he did, but he was upset, in fact he still was.  
Robbie arrived back in the familiar hospital wing, and saw Gary’s door. He felt blood rush to his heated face, as his head worked furiously going over the words he intended to say. But the more he thought about it, the more he worried whether he wanted to convince Gary to come home with him, because it was the best thing for Gary, or for himself…maybe he was being selfish, but in his heart he still believed it would be the best thing. But what would Gary say? _’Will he even listen?’_ Robbie inwardly fretted.  
He suddenly stopped still, just a few feet from Gary’s room, and call it cold feet, but Robbie couldn’t go an inch further. _’No, I can’t!’_ Robbie yelled internally, in his head being physically unable to put a single foot forward.  
After another moment's indecision, he very hastily decided to just turn back and runaway instead. 

Robbie having swiftly turned on his heal, began to pelt down the corridor and back to the elevator. Maybe it was fear or cowardly running away, but in all honesty it felt like he was about to have a panic attack. He immediately began to pummel the elevator request button with frantic insistence, he just needed to get out of there. He could feel the sound of blood rushing in his ears, and a sweat forming at his brow - it was as if all of the sudden he could feel all his social anxieties threatening to rise to the surface. Made infinitely worse by the very familiar hospital staff that now innocently watched his hasty retreat with much interest and confusion. He had no idea what he was doing, but he knew he was running away from the reality that was awaiting him in that hospital room, and right at that moment he was ok with that. He wasn’t ready to hear his boyfriend not choose HIM…not again. He just couldn’t take that kind of rejection another time.

The lift had stubbornly not yet arrived. Avoiding the watchful gazes of those around him, Robbie could only continue to repeatedly and compulsively pound the elevator button, in futile silent plead for the elevator’s speedy arrival. Finally it acquiesced and a little light pinged into life, while a gentle sound announced its arrival. Robbie breathed deeply with relief as the door slid open - he was finally going to escape. But as the doors fell open and revealed the only occupant within (now waiting to disembark), Robbie saw with a sharp intake of breath, the man who now surprisingly stood before him…  
Elliot Kennedy.

“Robbie – nice to see you.” Elliot said brightly, as he stepped out the elevator, and held out a hand.  
Robbie shook his hand but offered no reply. He moved aside to allow Elliot to pass, but unfortunately for Robbie, Elliot made no move to continue on his way. Behind him, Robbie saw with frustration, the elevator doors close once more, having already been called to another destination on another floor. His means of escape, gone.  
As if not noticing any standoffishness or urgency on Robbie’s part, Elliot casually asked, “You just been in with Gaz?”  
“Er…”  
“Is he up for seeing me?” Elliot swiftly continued, “I’m just here to talk to him about the New York clinic.”  
Robbie’s attention immediately changed from wanting to escape, to Elliot's last words instead. He rounded on the larger figure before him, placing all his focus on shooting absolute daggers at the man whom Robbie felt was trying to literally place an ocean between himself, and his boyfriend.  
“Ah yes, the same New York Clinic you’ve not said a word to me about it!” Robbie said with a snappish tone.  
“Sorry mate, but I thought Howard would’ve filled you in, like”.  
If Elliot was taken back by Robbie’s ill-concealed and obviously directed contempt for him, Elliot didn’t show it.  
Robbie didn’t care. He was angry at the whole situation, and Elliot was unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time.  
“I’m Gary’s partner, Elliot - you should’ve come to me!” Robbie challenged, refusing to lighten his tone. He wasn’t happy about a lot of things right now, and that included how much had been planned without his say, but most of all, how those plans involved placing him and his man on different continents for an undisclosed length of time.  
But Elliot remained calm and gentile, “I didn’t want to bother you, Robbie”.  
“No, you wanted to go behind my back, more like!”  
Elliot shook his head in disbelief, “What is your problem Robbie, I thought you’d be happy. It’s the best place for Gaz. It has World leading facilities and experts in Otorhinolaryngology; reconstruction, rehabilitation, some of the best speech therapists there are, will be there.” He explained, “It’s honestly his best chance at singing again. Or don’t you want him to sing?”  
he rashly retorted. And his words stung. The accusing question hung in the air, while Robbie was monetarily too shocked to answer. But only momentarily, for he soon found his voice...and his anger, “Of course, I want him to sing again!” he yelled, “what sort of question is that?!” he glared.  
Elliot simply sighed, he didn’t want to pick a fight with Robbie, no matter the reservations he still felt in his heart about it all, he respected the fact Robbie was Gary’s partner.  
“I apologise. You’re right I should’ve spoken to you directly, but please be happy for him…and support him with this”, Elliot insisted, “it is the best thing for him Robbie – besides, I will take care of him”.  
“Because, I obviously can’t?!” Robbie snapped back, thinking he was correctly reading between the lines.  
Elliot blinked.  
“Sorry?” Elliot said, innocently taken aback by the insinuation.  
“You obviously think I can’t look after him!” Robbie raged.  
“I think no such thing, Robbie!” Elliot sternly told him, losing his patience.  
Robbie didn’t believe him.  
“And how long?” Robbie demanded to know.  
“How long, what?”  
“How long will he need to be there?” Robbie ask, his voice becoming supremely irritated, as he glared at the man before him.  
“Could be a few months, I honestly don’t know, Robbie – it may even be closer to a year”, Elliot admitted sheepishly.  
“A year?!” Robbie choked with disbelief.  
Elliot shrugged his shoulders, wanting to avoid further quarrel. “Whatever it takes”, he told Robbie, “Surely the time is irrelevant if it does the job…and besides the time away will be good for him”.  
Robbie’s eyes narrowed, “You mean it will be good for him, being away from me”.  
“No, Robbie,” Elliot tiredly sighed, “I mean considering everything he has been through, it will be good to have a change of scenery. You really think I have it in for you, don’t you?”  
Robbie shrugged his shoulders, “All I know is, you’ve never really been that supportive of me and Gaz”.  
“I’ve not been supportive?! Excuse me but I’ve been supporting Gary A LOT longer than you”, Elliot answered back – his voice strong and damning, “I was there for him when no one else wanted nothing to do with him, and a lot of the reasons for that, were of your own making! So don’t even try to go there Rob! In fact, if you really want the honest truth – I do have a fair few reservations about your relationship with my best mate -” He admitted.  
“I bet you do! You’ve never really thought me good enough for Gaz, I doubt you’ve ever approved of our relationship – go on admit it!” Robbie challenged him.  
“I’ll admit that I think you’re too needy, I’ll admit that that it angered me when you made Gary feel so guilty about working – the thing he loves, the thing that makes him the Gary we love - only to then go on and cheat on him, having effectively destroyed all he treasured; including his trust in you!” Elliot spat.

A silence momentarily hung in the air, between the two men. Elliot hadn’t meant to sound so harsh, and with that charge now before him, Robbie instantly regretted sounding like an impertinent child.  
The fact was, Elliot was right. And arguing was pointless.  
Robbie sighed. He watched as Elliot’s own eyes soften before him. They looked at each other and finally understood, it was stupid - they both cared for Gary, and that was something they could both compromise on.  
An unsaid middle ground was silently found between the two men…Gary.

The men’s tempers’ retreated. Still standing by the hospital elevator, Elliot surveyed the man before him - “I do think you’re good enough, Robbie” he said quietly, “I never meant for you to think otherwise.” There he paused before continuing more contemplatively, “Yes, I admit at times I have been vocal about your relationship issues to Gary; because I was looking out for my best mate’s interests. But the thing is Robbie, it all means utter bollocks to be honest lad, because the fact is - I know how much Gary loves you, and how happy you make him. I’m in no position to take that away from him, and I wouldn’t want to. I’m sorry if you think I went behind your back and arranged this as that was not the intention. I was just looking out for my best mate, I love him dearly, I just want to help him get better”.

Robbie's eyes slowly began to sting with the emotion continuing to build up within, and he could only manage to nod slowly. But when finally he next spoke, it was through helpless, beseeching eyes;  
“I don’t want to lose him, Elliot”, he said solemnly.  
“You won’t”, Elliot reassured him, “But Robbie, I know this is the best way. He needs to go to New York, and I think he knows that too - yet he’s hesitant to go, in fact Howard told me Gaz thinks he shouldn’t go, and you know why?”  
“Why?” Robbie asked, even though he already felt a knot of guilt pull tighter inside him, for he had a good idea of what Elliot was about to say.  
Elliot looked on sadly, and confirmed Robbie’s guilty fears, “You. Because of you.” He said evenly, “Gaz doesn’t think he should leave you, to go to New York. He said it wasn’t a good time after all that’d happened, that he had to change his priorities. He said he needed to concentrate on his relationship with you. But Rob – this is HIS VOICE we’re talking about, and you know singing and working is everything to him. If he can’t do that he won’t be the same Gaz that you and I love, and he is jeopardising the chances of it all, and it’s all for YOU!”  
“I don’t want him to do that!” Robbie insisted, choking back the emotion. Yet, even as he said it he felt a darkness in his mind that was also glad to hear it, he was glad Gary was considering not going. The evident confliction and guilt weighed in his heart, and Elliot could only look on in pity.  
“Does he know that?!” Elliot asked, pensively.  
Robbie had no reply, and could give none. He was still conflicted in what he wanted Gary to do.  
Elliot could tell, and sighed heavily, “Look I’m gonna go – Tell him I’ll come back tomorrow instead. That’ll give you both some more time to talk, but I’d appreciate it if you could help me convince him to go, please. I need to start making arrangements as soon as possible."  
Rob looked at him blankly – not knowing what to do, or say, or think.  
Elliot could see the conflict still reside there in Robbie’s face, yet the fact he didn't have an outright objection, was promising all the same. Elliot knew Robbie could convince Gary, IF he chose to. “Rob – I’m gonna lay it on the line, if you love him, you’ll let him go. For his benefit. He needs to go to New York. The thing is, I honestly believe Gary’s decision ultimately lies in your hands, along with his heart. He will listen to you, only you – remember that. You have the power here, you are his partner – decide what’s truly best for him, and I now you’ll make the right decision”.  
Elliot left it at that, and called for the elevator once more. 

Robbie slowly nodded, as Elliot stepped back into the elevator from in which he had shortly arrived. They shared a knowing lingering look as the doors closed. Robbie knew Elliot was right, Gary would listen to him. Robbie could ultimately make Gary’s mind up for him.

He knew Elliot had expected him to turn back and go talk to Gary but he didn't. As soon as Elliot left, Robbie too walked out of the hospital; and for the time being had no intention of going back there and telling Gary to go to New York. 

Even after all that Elliot had said, he just couldn’t find it in himself to convince Gary to go to New York...or he just simply wouldn't.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks very much for reading, and the lovely comments left. Again, my apologies for the long wait. This was going to be a very long chapter - which is why it took so long to update, but I just couldn't make it work, and so I've had to separate it into two smaller chapters now and so there will now be an extra chapter, making three more in total, plus an epilogue. The good news is the next chapter is already written, it just needs editing and so I will update a lot sooner next time, as to not keep you waiting :)  
> Thanks xx


	40. What Is Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary has a decision to make - but will he make it, or will someone he loves make it for him? Robbie meanwhile, has some serious soul-searching to do.

## What is Love

“He’s just being off with me.” Gary moped.  
“In what way?” asked Gary’s shaggy-haired, bearded companion.  
“Basically completely ignoring me. Ever since I said about going to me mum’s to recover”, Gary told Howard.  
“That was this morning. So you're saying he’s been ignoring you since THIS morning.” Howard commented trying not that hard to not sound sarcastic. It was later that same evening, and although Robbie nor Elliot did visit the hospital earlier, neither had in actual fact showed up at Gary’s hospital room.  


Howard however, had returned. He and Gary had always been very close, and after receiving a call from Elliot in which the larger man had regaled the conversation he'd had earlier with Robbie, Howard suspected he needed to speak to Gary quick. He knew the right course of action in terms of Gary’s recover, and only hoped he could persuade his friend to take it.  
“But isn’t this all a mute point now?” Howard dryly commented.  
Gary blinked at him, confused.  
“I mean”, Howard continued, “If you decide to go to New York, the talk of you going to either Robbie’s or your mum’s is pretty redundant”, he flatly commented.  
Gary said nothing but looked uneasy. That consequently made Howard instantly on edge, it was almost like he could predict what Gary was about to-  
“I’m not sure I should go”, Gary blurted out. His admission interrupting Howard’s thoughts yet validating them all the same.  
Howard rolled his eyes, he had worried about this but still couldn’t believe Gary would risk so much, “Gaz, don’t be stupid! You’ve got to!” he said sternly, “You’re being released in less than two days, and Elliot can arrange for a transfer as early as the end of the week. Even earlier if we start the ball rolling now.”  
“But Rob –“  
“For fuck sake, Gaz! Rob will understand.”  
But Gary shook his head with a serious look, “He won’t – you should have heard him, he thinks I don’t trust him, still.”  
Howard was poised for retort but hesitated.  
“Gaz, do you? Be honest.” he quietly asked.  
Gary looked evidently shocked by the candidness of the question, yet without pause answered, “Of course”.  
“You sure?” he looked at Gary shrewdly.  
“Yes! Dougie, I trust him!” Gary said with a strong voice, and a hard face to match. Except after a moment’s reflection he unexpectedly added, “....I’m pretty sure I do”.  
Gary’s eyes went wide with a strange kind of shock, like he was surprised those words had even escaped his own mouth; involuntarily escaped, before he could stop them. Whatever it was, Gary certainly sounded less than sure to Howard’s ears. Howard hated himself for what he was about to say, but Gary’s indecision gave him little choice -  
“Do you truly trust Robbie has YOUR best interests at heart?”  
Gary’s jaw dropped at the insinuation; aghast, appalled even - “What kind of question is that!? Howard, HE saved my life!” he croaked with agitation.  
“Gaz, calm down – remember your voice!” Howard said defensively, “I was just checking s’all. Besides, this isn’t about him saving your life, or Mark – since he was there and saved you too. It’s about what’s in your best interests. And that’s New York, mate - you must see that, even if Robbie doesn’t, that’s all I mean”, he explained.  
Gary was sure about Robbie, yet something did niggle at him. With pensive eyes, he looked up at Howard questioningly, “Do you think he doesn’t?” he asked.

There was so much Howard could say. He’d returned to the hospital because he’d heard from Elliot about the run in with Robbie earlier, and the truth was Howard did have his concerns. Lord knows he loved Robbie to pieces and would defend him against the world, but he also knew what Robbie could be like – especially where love was concerned; it made him impetuous, stubborn and god-forgive him, selfish. Howard knew all these things, and knew they were the exact things that would stop Gary going to New York for the vital therapy he needed.  
He sighed. He didn’t want to place a wedge between the two lads. They’d been through so much, they didn’t deserve that…yet there was still the issue of Gary’s welfare to think of -  
“Look, I don’t know.” Howard finally said after careful consideration, “All I know is, he loves you, he’s missed you and he wants you home, but whether that’s entirely for your benefit or his, I’m not completely sure.”  
Howard didn’t want it to sound so disparaging, he knew Robbie’s heart was true, and yet… “I think his love for you blinds him sometimes,” he stated delicately, “he just wants to be with you so much, particularly after nearly losing you – he can’t bear to be apart”.  
But Gary immediately scoffed at that last part, “Well, I doubt he thinks that now. How comes if he can’t bear to be apart from me, is he avoiding me?” Gary’s voice gave way at the end there – but whether that was because of the injury to his throat or due to the hurt Gary felt, Howard couldn’t be sure.  
Gary cleared his throat and continued, “I usually can’t get rid of him, not even long enough for him to take a shower at home! Then I told him about going up to my mum’s, and I’ve heard nowt from him since…”  
Howard had no words for Gary, well, none that he’d like anyway.  
“– and that’s why I’m not sure I can go to New York” Gary bluntly said, “If he’s like this with me just going to Cheshire, what’ll he be like if I leave for another continent?!” he worried.  
Howard nodded solemnly, offering an understanding look, but no answers to give his companion. Only Robbie could do that.  
“I can’t lose him, Dougie…in fact I hope to god, I haven’t lost him already”, Gary pondered aloud, while his worried eyes glazed over with contemplation of where Robbie was and what he was doing at that precise moment.  


Howard looked on pitifully. He knew then, Gary wasn’t going anywhere.

************************************************************************

 

Howard just couldn’t take it. 

He knew he’d promised himself not to get involved in their relationship again, but he couldn’t help it. He definitely did not want to place a wedge between Robbie and Gary, but he also couldn’t stand back and watch Gary throw away his one real shot at a full recovery.  
And so his return journey back from the hospital that night, subsequently brought him to Robbie’s place. He hesitated, his finger paused above the buzzer, but he knew he could no longer sit idly by, hoping Gary would make the right call. He needed to convince Robbie, to convince Gary.

The pleasantries did not last long, in fact it was only a moment after Robbie had welcomed Howard in, that the older man immediately turned to him to state his case -  
“Bob – I love you dearly, but you have got to sort yourself out!”. His face set hard as stone, his tone commanding, “I honestly can’t believe how selfish you could be!” Howard knew it sounded harsh, but sometimes you had to be harsh with those you love.  
Robbie meanwhile, stood still; taken aback with shock, but also utter cluelessness, “What are you on about?” he asked, perplexed.  
Howard shook his head, “You know what I’m on about! Gary. He needs the best therapy possible!” he told him with unwavering seriousness, “– if he can’t sing again, you realise what that will do to him?! He needs support and for those that love him to do the best by HIM”, Howard said pointedly.  
Robbie immediately took offence to the accusation implied, “You think I don't support him?!”  
“Well, look at you right now! Have you even spoken to him properly today?!” Howard challenged, knowing full well Robbie hadn’t.  
Robbie's face flushed; overtly shame-faced but stubborn all the same, “Wait - so Gaz said he doesn’t want to come back with me, like he don’t trust me to look after him or nothin’…but of course, you come here and blame me, like it’s all down to me!” He sharply retorted, with eyes blazing, “Yes, I know I’ve not spoken to him but I was hurt – and I had a right to be hurt, god damn it!” Robbie continued, indignant and fed up. He was through with being painted as the one in the wrong all the time.  


Howard heaved a deep breath, he didn’t want to argue. He could see the obvious hurt in Robbie’s eyes – albeit masked with anger. He could see Robbie was feeling rejected, and knew it was rather needlessly, since he also knew Gary wasn’t doing anything of the sort. However, he did need to make Robbie see sense and convince Gary to go to New York.  
“First of all”, Howard spoke after a moment, “Gaz didn’t say he didn’t want to come back with you. He just doesn’t want to burden you, which is stupid because I also know you’d never see it like that – so neither of you is in the right, or wrong”, he took a breath, “– But Gaz felt it’d just be easier for his mum to look after him…at least until he’d be more able to do things himself, what with his coordination you see – it’s just a pride thing!”.  
“No, it’s not.” Robbie shot back, “You don’t get what’s going on here, Howard. It’s not about pride, it’s about trust!”  
Howard rolled his eyes. “Oh, really?” he said tiredly, “Well, you’re doing a fine job at showing he can trust you, aren’t you!”  
“I saved his life!” Robbie yelled.  
“And now you’re ignoring him, all because he wants to go home to his mum to rest, after a mad man attempted to murder him!” Howard roared back.  
“I…but…you don’t get it!” Robbie stuttered.  
“No, I don’t! Go speak to him – sort this out!” Howard told him, sternly. 

Robbie paused and took a step back, and turned away just enough so Howard couldn’t quite see his face. Raking a hand through his hair, he finally sighed, “I…I will ok, I’m just trying to deal with this my way, Howard.” His said, with mild restraint.  
“Yes you are, and that’s exactly what I mean!” Howard scoffed, having already lost patience with Robbie's 'special brand' of dealing with things, “You confess all this love for him, but when you don’t agree with him, you simply skip out! Again!” he raged on, “ – and how exactly did walking out on him, work out for you last time, huh? Because I recall, it gave Lucas just the opportunity to break in and try to murder the so-called love of your life!” Howard spat out harshly.  
Stunned silence. Howard’s hard words were met with a deafening silence that followed and lingered for an uncomfortable time.  
Although still turned away from him, the sting Robbie must’ve felt from that was obvious to Howard. He hadn’t meant to say it like that, and immediately regretted the unkind and incredibly unfair words. After all the sleepless nights Robbie had spent at the hospital, praying for Gary to wake up, Howard felt positively sick to the stomach for taking such a cheap shot like that. 

Robbie remained silent. Howard stepped forward and squeezed Robbie’s shoulder reassuringly, “Rob – I’m sorry, that was such a horrible thing to say, mate – I shouldn’t have -”  
“It’s true though”, Robbie quietly mumbled, “yeah, maybe you didn’t need to say it like that but it’s still true”.  
“No, Lucas was always going to –”  
“Howard – I don’t want to talk about THAT man! I don’t want to even hear his name, ok?” Robbie hotly demanded.  
Howard nodded silently, not that Robbie could see.  
“But, I’m not ‘skipping’ out on him", Robbie continued, "I want to be by his side, always! How could you think otherwise?”  
Howard sighed and surveyed a 'defeated Robbie', with his pitiful sagging shoulders and hunched over appearance, “I don’t, and I don’t doubt you”, he replied warmly, “But that’s part of the problem, as I can see you’re battling your own demons too.” Howard sympathised.  
Robbie wasn’t sure what Howard meant by that, and so remained silent.  
The prolonged silence impatiently niggled at Howard, he still needed to say what he’d come to say.  
“Rob - the thing is however, this is no longer about him going to Cheshire, and you know that”, Howard started carefully, “This is about him going to New York to recuperate his voice properly”.  
Robbie’s back suddenly straightened at the mere mention of New York, in such a way that told Howard he now had the younger man’s full and undivided attention.  
“I’ve been talking to Elliot”, Howard continued, “and I know he’s spoken to you about the clinic there – and what’s to be arranged”.  
“Yes, your _secret arrangements_! I never knew you and Elliot were such good friends!” Robbie spikily remarked, as he finally turned to face Howard.  
“We’re just trying to support him as best we can” Howard told him.  
“And you obviously think I’m not” Robbie surveyed him shrewdly, while his voice had grown suddenly cold.  
Howard inwardly sighed. “I didn’t say that, and I’m certainly not insinuating it even though I know that’s what you think I’m doing!” he said firmly, “I’m simply saying you’re not the only one that cares for Gaz – we all want to help him get back on his feet”.  
“Trying to secure the future of the band more like!” Robbie spat.  
“Wow. Unbelievable.” Howard mumbled in response. Deciding this was getting them nowhere, he swiftly picked up his jacket where he'd flung it on admittance, and made to leave.  
Robbie quickly clung on to Howard's retreating form, effectively preventing his leaving, “I’m sorry, I don’t even know why I said that”, he explained shame-faced.  
Howard looked back at him pitifully, and halted. “Look, Rob – this is getting out of hand, we’re both saying things we don’t mean; and it’s all because we both care, so why don’t we sit down and talk sensibly about this, yeah? – it’s important” Howard reasoned, his voice even and calm.  
Robbie nodded.

 

Five minutes later, and a hot mug of tea made. They were both sat at the breakfast bar in Robbie’s kitchen.  
“Why didn’t you go back to talk to Gary?” Howard asked Robbie, after a moment's quiet reflection.  
Robbie merely shrugged in response, before he took a sip of hot tea. It was far too hot but he strangely welcomed the searing pain to his tongue.  
“Rob – he’s been so worried, he just wants to put it right” Howard continued, “But with you avoiding him, he can’t do that. And you’re not really being fair to him – I mean, it’s not like he can just get up and follow you out the hospital, is it?!”  
Robbie raised his eyebrows and shrugged. “You’re right. I’m obviously being purposely mean to him, aren’t I?" the sarcasm in his voice was evident, "I mean, it couldn’t possibly be because, just perhaps, I’m still hurting too much to talk to him calmly, which would definitely be in HIS best interests!” He snidely replied, although the intent was honest and genuine; he didn’t trust himself to talk to Gary yet, what with the confliction he still felt in his heart - Robbie worried what he might say.  
Howard maturely ignored the sarcasm in order to avoid further bickering. “I get all that Rob. I really do, and I know you only want the best for him, but he needs you to convince him to go to New York. Right now, he's not sure what to do, and it's largely because of you”.  
Robbie considered Howard’s words, and inwardly smiled, “And if I don’t agree with that being the best thing for him?” He quietly speculated.  
“Are you serious?!” Howard looked aghast, “Elliot explained it all to you! It’s a state of the art clinic – we’ve spoken to the specialists there, they are in no doubt it’s the best place for him to be”, he reasoned, “Look, I know it’d mean he’d be away for a while, but –”  
“A while?!” Robbie rebuked, “Elliot said it could be closer to a year!”  
“Yes, it could be, or it may be just a few months – but what does it matter?”  
“It matters to me!”  
“So you’d stop him going, all because you’d miss him?” Howard remarked incredulously. His voice full of disbelief rather than anger.  
Robbie shook his head at the accusation, “No! I’m just…you don’t realise how hard it is!”  
“Then help me to understand”, Howard beseeched.  
Robbie looked at Howard desperately unsure, but told him straight, “I don’t want to say goodbye to him”.  
Howard blinked momentarily in confusion. “Well, ok”, he slowly replied, “maybe go for ‘Bon Voyage’ instead then!!” he lightly teased.  
He didn’t understand Robbie’s meaning.  
“No, Howard. I mean, say goodbye to mine and Gary’s relationship”, Robbie told him flatly.  
“What?!" Howard asked in shock,"Why would Gaz going to New York mean you would need to end it with him?” He was utterly dumbfounded.  
“I don’t want to! But what with our past, and what’s happened – it’s too much. The distance, it’d be the last straw to break the camel’s back, I’m sure of it. Well, the distance coupled with the trust issues – it would destroy us, I know it!” Robbie admitted with tears in his eyes. A painful lump had formed in his throat as he finally voiced the concerns that had been swimming around his head since he last spoke with Elliot. “You tell me New York’s for the best and yet I'm not sure I can let him go when it won't be best for our relationship… and before you say it, I know how horrible that sounds - it’s just not right. I shouldn’t feel like this!” Robbie desperately admitted, "so just say it - I'm not good enough for him, I know!"  
Feeling thoroughly miserable and full of self-pity, Robbie set his mug down and buried his face in his hands.

Howard looked on with utmost sympathy, "You ARE good enough, you're perfect for each other. I mean look to what lengths you've gone to protect him, and how much you've cared for him!” Howard reminded him.  
“And that’s precisely why you’ve been making plans with Elliot Kennedy that don’t include me right? And all behind my back!” Robbie countered in an accusatory tone.  
“New York is not about YOU, it’s about Gary.” Howard said defensively, “And you’d realise New York is no threat to your relationship if only you'd actually go and speak to him! So stop distancing yourself like this, and moping about what might happen! Just be a man and go sort this out!” Howard argued, having already grown weary of Robbie's irrationality.  
“I can't! New York WILL likely ruin any chance we have!”  
"You don't know that!"  
"I do! And Gary needs to know it too!" Robbie reasoned.  
Surveying Robbie with a careful eye, Howard was suddenly afraid he now understood all too well. “Robbie – don’t you dare! Don’t give him the ultimatum!”.  
“I’m not” Robbie innocently said.  
But alarmed of what he could read in Robbie’s eyes, Howard was in shocked disbelief, “You know he will choose you. If he thinks he’ll lose you, he’ll stay! It’s not fair , Rob.” he told him.  
“You don't know that! But he needs to know the consequences both ways!”  
“What fucking consequences?! Other than the ones in your head, and all because you won't get your way!” Howard demanded to know.  
“He won’t have enough trust in _us_!” Robbie admitted, finally voicing the demons in his head, “he won’t trust me to be here waiting for him, he won’t trust that I won’t get lonely, depressed or whatever, and sleep with someone else while he’s away".  
“Would you want to sleep around?!” Howard asked, not so delicately.  
“No! Of course not!” Robbie glared with annoyance, “I don’t want anyone else, the only person I want to share my bed with is Gary! But I just can’t keep going around in circles with him. If he stayed here, we’d have a chance, but with an ocean between us, I can’t see any hope of it happening”.  
A moment passed before Howard spoke again. “Mate, I honestly believe you're way overthinking this! Besides I know you don’t want to end it, after all you’ve been through - it’d be such a waste!”, he told him, “Christ’s sake, compared to everything else, it's nothing, Rob!”  
Robbie gave Howard a dismissive look and returned to attending his tea. It agitated Howard no end, but he knew better than be dragged into further argument with Robbie that would just enable the youngest member to dig his heals in.  
  
It was then Howard got an idea...  
“Look, why break both your hearts now?! Instead why not just say you understand…Cheshire, New York, whatever he decides – and just see how it goes, yeah? Fake a smile if you have to, but just hold off on making any rash decisions, until he's at least out there”, Howard reasoned, “You'll have a better idea on whether you can get through it and come out the other side then. Just give it a chance - I mean, after everything, how can you not?!"

The younger man looked at him severely unconvinced.  
"Just try, Rob" Howard implored, "I came over here to ask you to help convince him to go to New York, not to break up with him if he does! Please see sense. Think of how much he NEEDS you to be there for him – just like you were all those sleepless nights at the hospital, by his bedside! After all that, why throw it away like this?”  
Robbie still said nothing. He knew Howard didn’t understand, and he’d be right; Howard couldn’t understand how after everything Robbie had done to get Gary back, why he’d let some hissy fit destroy it, and all because they’d be apart a while.  
Robbie lightly shook his head, immediately frustrating the older member.  
“At least tell me this isn’t all just a ploy to make him stay!” Howard tentatively asked him.  
Robbie glowered at Howard, “You know nothing!” he seethed through gritted teeth and stern eyes.  
Howard shook his head with condemnation, because actually he felt like he knew Robbie all too well, “You’ll break his heart Rob, and make everything worse!”  
“He’s a grown man Howard, who can make up his own decisions, and if that’s New York – then fine, but he’ll need to understand what it’ll mean for us if he goes, that’s all”, Robbie remarked matter-of-factly.  
The older man shook his head with disappointment. “Do you honestly think messing him around like this, when he’s at his most vulnerable is going to help him ever trust you properly?!” he questioned, “Because I'll tell you right now, Rob - it’ll ruin any chance you have, trust me! It’ll be over FOREVER!” he warned.

Robbie said nothing, and simply threw Howard another somewhat dismissive look, before he went back to drinking his rapidly cooling tea. He knew in his heart it was still ultimately his and Gary’s decision, he was Gary’s partner, and whatever the others thought - he did have Gary’s best interests at heart. He genuinely believed it.

Howard on the other hand, knew only full well that all this meant Gary wouldn’t be going to the clinic in New York. He suspected Robbie wouldn’t even be able to see what he’d be doing, by forcing Gary to stay in the UK.  
But could only hope Robbie would see sense, eventually  
…he had to.

***************************************************************************

 

It looked like it was going to be such a beautiful day. The sort of day where you’d just go outside and amble around the shops or through the nearest park. The sun was shining gloriously through the tall windows of Gary’s hospital room, drenching the entire room in a bright warm glow.  
Gary wasn’t able to enjoy the fresh air outside just yet, however, with growing excitement, he realised in 24 hours he would be able to do just that. He could picture it in his head; soaking in the warm rays, while a cool breeze licked at his skin and ruffled through his hair. He’d hopefully see the dogs, and hopefully Robbie - depending on whether Robbie would still be avoiding him, which would of course make it slightly more difficult to spend time with him!

“Hi Gaz”, came a sudden but very sheepish voice from the direction of the hospital room door. As if connected by a psychic link, the dark haired man himself had in fact finally made it back to the hospital.  
On hearing the tentative words, Gary eyes had sprung straight up from the music magazine he’d been idly staring at without really reading. He instantly saw Robbie’s shy grin peeking through a crack in the door, with those dazzling cheeky green eyes just as he remembered, albeit for the uncertainty that currently swirled within them. Gary’s heart positively swelled with relief to see Robbie again.  
“Rob!” he beamed, as he sat bolt up straight to welcome his visitor. The music magazine long forgotten, had flittered down to the floor beside Gary’s bed.  
Robbie cautiously stepped into the room, and retrieved the fallen magazine from where it had dropped. “How you doing?” He gingerly asked, as he replaced the magazine on the night stand.  
“Eh…yeah, I’m good. You know I’m being discharged tomorrow?” Gary’s voice was bright and hopeful, but there was also an edge to it too; as he tried to decipher Robbie’s mood.  
“I know”, Robbie said with a warm smile. Gary smiled back, figuring Robbie must be over his anger from the other day. However, Gary knew one sure way to ensure that everything would be okay between them…  
“Rob, I’ve been thinking –”  
“Me too –”, Robbie interrupted.  
“The thing is…” Gary continued, ignoring the interruption (he needed to tell Robbie his news first), “I don’t need to go to Cheshire, I can come home with you.” he announced excitedly, and hoped he would see Robbie’s smile grow even more with the news.  
It did…kind of.  
There was a smile, it didn’t reach Robbie's eyes, but the shock did, “…and what about New York?” Robbie hesitantly inquired.  
“New York?” Gary feigned ignorance.  
“I know Elliot’s arranging for you to go to this clinic in New York”, Robbie said, “So, what about it?” He asked adamantly.  
Gary dropped the act...  
“Ah yeah…well, he mentioned it. But it was just an idea, I was never 100% sure. Nothing was settled, or for certain.” Gary responded quietly, and somewhat coyly.  
“So you’re not going?” Robbie asked, poised on tenterhooks. He needed the confirmation before he could allow himself to feel properly excited; knowing him and Gary could finally go home, just the two of them! It was everything he wanted, and how he'd pictured it for so long. It was just how it was all supposed to be, he was sure of it!  
“I’m not going”, Gary clarified, with a massive smile.  
Robbie felt his heart skip a beat, it was true, and it the best news ever!  
“Like I said", Gary continued, "- nothing was certain, anyway. Elliot really shouldn’t have gone to the trouble, I told him I’d much prefer to stay here with you!” he beamed.  
Robbie grinned back at his boyfriend, and yet he felt something strange curdle inside him at the same time.  
It was a weird queasy feeling…  
“But Gaz, Elliot said it’s got experts there, you’d be able to sing again”, Robbie said as he felt the muscles in his brow tense into an unexpected frown.  
Gary raised a surprised brow but shrugged dismissively, “There’s experts here, in London too”, he reassured, “I’ll work hard and give myself time but I’ll get there, I’ll sing again, I just know it!” He said brightly - his smile full of warmth and confidence.  
The confidence was convincing. Convincing enough to momentarily quash that strange curdling feeling that had curiously developed deep in Robbie's stomach somewhere.  
“So you’re absolutely staying, for sure?” Regardless of the strange stomach feeling, it was relief that filled Robbie's heart as he watched Gary nod a response...  
“I want to come home with you, silly!” Gary playfully chided.  
Robbie beamed and so did Gary. They looked deep into each other's eyes, and finally knew everything was going to be ok. Robbie was so happy, plus so relieved he hadn’t even needed to give Gary an ultimatum after all! That whole argument with Howard had come to nothing! New York was already out the window! Gary just said so. 

With that, Robbie bounced over to the bed and unceremoniously landed beside his boyfriend, where he engulfed the smaller man in a great big hug before landing a big sloppy kiss on the side temple of Gary's head. He just couldn’t wait to get Gary home, and get back to normal. That mental picture of cosy lie-ins and cuddles would all soon be real.  
Robbie was so very happy!  


…well, mostly.  
He felt elated…except for that strange unsettled feeling churning inside him again - more vigorously and uncomfortably. It almost felt like the sudden twinge of an old injury, and it was starting to make him feel uneasy, if not more than a little queasy!

A confliction of feelings, it wasn't until he looked deep into Gary’s loving eyes that with a sudden pang to his heart, he realised just what it was he was feeling -  
…guilt. 

Without even really saying much Robbie nevertheless had to admit he had still somehow coaxed Gary in to staying. He was sure if Gary were single, he would be going to New York. It was as if he was deciding Gary’s future, and that thought led to a sudden but very real dread filling Robbie’s head; ‘ _what if Gary can’t get better here…what if he does really need to be in New York to have the best chances….what if I’m standing in the way of him recovering fully?!_ ’  
he painfully worried. With a stinging squeeze to his heart, Robbie suddenly felt more than just guilt, he felt positively sick to the stomach. Faced with the realisation of just how selfish he was being, he knew he had to do something…he had to change Gary's mind.  
“Gaz –” Robbie began, his voice melancholy, albeit far too quiet for Gary to even notice.  
“I can’t wait to see the dogs!” Gary said, rubbing his hands together with glee. He was too preoccupied with thoughts about home, he hadn’t even noticed the smile had dropped from Robbie’s face.  
Robbie gently shook his head. This was really bad.  
“Gaz – I can’t let you do that”, he spoke a little louder.  
“I’ve missed them so much, and I’ve especially missed breakfast in bed with you, Mister!” Gary continued to grin, gently poking Robbie's ribs - far too excited to heed Robbie’s words.  
Gary just wasn’t listening.  
With no choice, and feeling absolute sick to the stomach, Robbie had to take action – action, which would change their lives…  
“No Gaz – I think you need to go to New York”, he bluntly told him, ensuring his voice was loud enough to drown out Gary’s musings.  
Gary suddenly went quiet and looked at Robbie in confusion.  
“Gaz, I’m sorry, I know it sounds strange me saying this but I can’t let you come home with me -” Robbie continued, “No matter how much I want you to, it’s not right.” He painfully explained.  
“What do you mean – of course it’s right! Baby, I know I underestimated you before with caring for me, but it was just my pride talking, I honestly want to come home with you!” Gary told him with such loving conviction that it managed to strain his already weak voice.  
Robbie starred into Gary’s eyes - they shone with such fierce determination and sincerity, it made Robbie’s heart ache; and yet he knew that would only be the beginning of his pain. He bowed his head, not even able to look at Gary as he quietly informed him, “But you can’t”.  
“I can!” Gary told him, more stubbornly.  
Robbie shook his head, “You’re not listening, Gaz! – you should go to New York”.  
“I don’t want to! I want to be where you are.” Gary insisted. He may’ve sounded stubborn, but more than that he was simply utterly confused. He’d thought this was what Robbie had wanted, and he’d been sure it was why Robbie had been ignoring him. And now he just wanted to make him happy – after all, Robbie deserved to be happy after all the heartache recent events had caused.  
“But I can’t let you do that”, Robbie said miserably, praying Gary would concede.  
Gary crossed his arms, “You’re not _‘letting me’_ do anything, I’ve decided! I want to stay here with you, you big idiot! – I’m choosing you. I want to go home to you and our dogs”, he sternly told the tall brunette, with what seemed like every last ounce of strength he could project into his voice. His voice was now completely spent. But still confused by Robbie's reaction, and slightly irritated by it too, he just hoped that would at least be an end to the matter.  
It would not.

Robbie had hoped Gary would see sense and concede, he needed to. He needed Gary to do exactly that…before Robbie ultimately did something stupid to convince him otherwise instead.  
“Gaz – I do honestly get all that, really I do. And you have to believe I would love that too, I truly would - but that’s not what’s right for you right now” Robbie firmly told him. “You know as well as I do, New York is your best chance. Why would you even give up your best chance at singing again?!” But as he asked the question, Robbie already knew the answer. Gary for his part had remained silent, yet his eyes already said it all; _'for you…'_ they simply and very silently confessed.  
Robbie felt sick – his worst suspicions as good as confirmed.  
“I’m not giving up my chances at singing again Rob", Gary broke his silence, "You think I can’t do the same thing here?! Well, I can!” He said with conviction, regardless of the meekness in his drained voice.  
“But you don’t honestly know that”, Robbie was still unconvinced.  
“No, I don’t,” Gary accepted, “But I know that if there is a way, I will do it, and if you doubt me on that, well, then – you don’t know me at all!” he irritably accused, tired of the obvious doubt in Robbie’s mind. Really tired.  
"Besides, it’s my decision Babe, and as far as I'm concerned, it’s already made”, Gary told him with obvious finality, “That’s all there is to it”. 

Gary was actually really quite irritated with Robbie's sudden attitude change. When he’d thought he’d finally worked things out to make Robbie happy – it was now not having the expected gleeful reception he had envisioned. He felt Robbie had made him feel so guilty for choosing Cheshire over him, that he'd consequently called his mum and explained he wouldn’t be staying with her after all. After nearly losing her son, she'd been really looking forward to having him home for a while, and Gary knew that full well. He felt bloody awful for disappointing his mum, but rest assured that it would at least make Robbie happy…or so he had thought!  
“I don’t get it Rob - I thought you’d be happy!” Gary spikily commented, providing a voice to his inner thoughts.  
Robbie sighed.  
He was 100% sure that just being at home with Gary and the dogs, was possibly the only thing that could make him truly happy right now. But he was also sure that’s not how it would stay – God forbid Gary might not regain his singing vocals; Robbie knew anger, blame and resentment would surely soon follow. They’d unlikely survive it…they’d grow to hate each other, and Robbie’s picturesque image of happiness would become all but ash and ruin. In fact the more he thought of it, the more he began to realise the real stakes involved, and what actions he’d perhaps need to take to ensure they still had any kind of future together.  
“Gaz, do you honestly think I could be happy that you’d be giving up your best chance at singing again?” Robbie asked him quietly.  
“I thought you’d be happy that I’m finally coming home with you!” Gary innocently explained, all the while his own confusion and irritation increased further.  
“But it’s not what I want!” Robbie blurted out.  
Gary’s eyes grew wide as his jaw dropped, “You don’t want me to come home with you?! But you said…I thought you –”  
“No,” Robbie shook his head, “You misunderstand - I don’t want you to come home with me, to make ME happy. That’s not right, Gaz – it has to be the best thing for both of us”.  
“But it can be! Like I said, I can find a way –” Gary started to explain, but Robbie wouldn’t hear it. He knew what had to happen, and he knew he had to say it before he lost the nerve (and more importantly, before that dark selfish part of him resurfaced and told Gary to stay).  
“Gaz – just stop!” Robbie looked at him with firm eyes, and Gary looked right back. He could see Gary’s eyes were still full of confusion, and in a moment Robbie feared they’d be full of hurt too…  
“You can’t get the help you need here”, Robbie said resolutely.  
“And I told you, I can!” Gary snapped back, just as determinedly as Robbie to get his way.  
But Robbie shook his head, “You need to listen to me - you should go to New York, Gaz”.  
“Well, I‘m not”, Gary was defiant.  
Robbie’s eyes pleaded with Gary’s. He didn’t want to be forced into doing something that’d indeed hurt them both, and just like Howard had worried. Gary however, was not making it easy -  
“I WANT you to go, Gaz.”  
Gary blinked with more confusion, “Why are you pushing this?!” Gary asked him, in honest bewilderment.  
“I just think it’s for the best”, Robbie responded somewhat evasively, and after a slight hesitation.  
Gary’s brow furrowed, he had noticed the hesitation. “What - best for me?” he asked.  
Robbie swallowed, feeling his throat suddenly tighten, “For both of us”, he lied.  
Gary’s mouth fell ajar once more, “What are you saying?!” his eyes now full of alarm, “Don’t you want me here?” he rasped.  
“It’s just…I just think the break will be good, for us both” Robbie elaborated, forcing false words from his mouth - painfully false words that stung his heart!

Gary looked at him startled, questioning whether he’d even heard that right; “ _break_? What does that mean?!” he asked with worried eyes.  
Even Robbie didn’t know what he was saying, he only knew he had to get Gary to go New York. Whether it was with a broken heart, or not.  
“...Well, its just, so much has happened. It’s so hard to process it all – you’ve been through so much, we both have…and I…” Robbie hesitated. It was a struggle to continue, and yet, one way or another, Robbie knew he had no choice; he just couldn’t be selfish anymore… “I just think, maybe New York’s an opportunity to hit ‘pause’ on us, just while you go to there for treatment”, Robbie explained, while not believing how these words rang clear out, and uttered by his own mouth.

Gary definitely couldn’t believe them, “You want to break up?!” his voice crumbled with emotion. He instinctively grabbed at his own throat to try and massaged it soothingly. And although it caused him increasing strain to speak, Gary needed to know the truth, “Is this all because I originally picked Cheshire over coming home with you – are you getting back at me?!” he asked with an accusatory tone.  
Robbie blinked in disbelief, “What?! No, of course not! Don’t be silly,” he told the man in the hospital bed.  
“Then I don’t understand!” Gary’s raspy voice cried out (with great effort), “Why break up?! Don’t you love me?!” he pleaded more softly, his distraught eyes full of hurt. They perfectly reflected the equal sadness in Robbie’s own eyes.  
“You know I do! Gaz - I love you more than anything!”, Robbie told him in honest truth, but little did Gary know it was also the only honest reason behind Robbie’s current actions. Instead, Gary could only struggle to understand why Robbie was very suddenly breaking his heart. “Besides, it’s NOT a break up, Gaz” Robbie continued, “like I said, it’s…just…a…a _pause_ you might say, that’s all. So you can go to New York and not worry about any pressure it puts on ‘us’, that’s all”, he lightly added, as he tried to smile convincingly.  
It was not.  
_“Any pressure it puts on us?!”_ Gary shrewdly repeated Robbie’s words to him questioningly. He tried to make sense of what the younger man was saying, but it was no good, because to Gary - it made no sense at all! “Why would it put pressure on our relationship?” he asked Robbie, “I mean, I’ve been away before and…” Gary suddenly stopped and straightened up, and through narrowed eyes he looked at Robbie a moment before something altered in his facial expression. Under Gary's intense gaze, Robbie remained sheepishly silent with confusion, which only helped Gary to reach completely the wrong conclusion, “Wait – is this about us being faithful to each other?! Do you want a _pause_ or however you put it, just so you can do what you like, and not have to worry about me?!” Gary accused him.  
Blinking with astonished eyes, Robbie was flabbergasted. To say he was slightly taken aback by that was a massive understatement.  
“You think I’d cheat on you, again?” he worriedly asked Gary, feeling a painful squeeze in his heart.  
“Well, I don’t understand Robert!” Gary angrily challenged him, ignoring the pain and strain of his vocal chords, “You wanted me home, you said you’d look after me, and I was supposed to believe that…I did believe that! And now, now you’re rejecting me and just ending it for no reason!”  
“I AM NOT ENDING IT!” Robbie yelled, “And I'm not rejecting you! I LOVE YOU!!”  
Gary shook his head but said nothing.  
“Gary…please understand”, Robbie continued, and in a small voice that took every morsel of his being he gently said, “I’m just…I’m letting you go”.  
“Letting me go?!”  
“To go to New York.” 

Gary starred at Robbie, but could no longer speak. He let those last words hang in the air as he contemplated them further. But he just didn’t understand it – sure, he’d caused a lot of trouble with the whole Lucas debacle but he thought they were through it.  
He tried to swallow pass the sudden pain looking at Robbie’s face brought him, as well as endure the fresh sting of tears forming from the anger and hurt he felt inside. When it all became too painful, he just simply had to turn away.  
“Gaz – please say something”, Robbie quietly pleaded.  
Gary remained silent, and since he literally couldn’t leave the room like he wished he could at that moment, he instead purposely kept his eyes averted from looking directly at Robbie.  
Robbie spotted Gary trying to avoid his gaze, “Gaz – please!”  
“Am I a burden? Is that why you’re doing this?!” Gary croaked, still unable to look at Robbie. Not that it mattered, Robbie could almost feel the hurt radiate from Gary intensely project across the room. Seeing Gary’s eyes would be a thousand times worse.  
“No, you could never be a burden” Robbie told the older man softly, “Never. You’re perfect!”  
“Then why –“  
“Because I’m selfish, Gaz!” Robbie blurted out. He sighed before continuing, “I mean, look how you were willing to stay here for me, and part of me would be very happy to let you! But that’s just it, Gaz - you saying you would stay here for me regardless of how detrimental it could be to your recovery, it finally made me realise how selfish I was being. I was going to give you an ultimatum today, the wrong ultimatum. Even after all this time, I’m still getting it wrong. But I can fix that, I see that now…I just have to let you go!” Robbie told him.  
“But a ‘break’ makes no sense! It’s just New York, I can get a flight back every now and then, every weekend if you want!”, Gary insisted, not caring if he sounded desperate, “Why punish us both like this?!”  
“Are you kiddin’ me? Did you not hear what I just said to you?!” Robbie firmly replied, “I’m no good for you right now, and I know you can’t see it but it’s the only way forward for us, I promise you. Just – please try to understand, it’s for both our sakes”, he softly pleaded, and reached a tentative hand out to gently stroke Gary’s face. However, Gary was too quick and far too hurt to let him; even with his eyes averted he still deftly avoided Robbie’s touch like a Stealth.  
“I won’t ever understand” Gary bitterly rebuked, “and you know why? – because It’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve said – and man, you’ve said some bloody stupid things in your time! I thought we were finally happy; back together. If you didn't want to be with me, why did you bother saving my life?!" Gary choked out, struggling to hold back the tears.  
Robbie's brow furrowed, "Don't you say that!" he admonished, "For fuck sake, just listen to what I'm telling you; It’s just not fair to keep you here when you should be in New York.” Robbie told him coolly, beginning to feel increasingly frustrated with Gary’s lack of understanding. “I keep telling you it’s not a break up, it’s just a ‘break’ – to give us both space and reflect on what we really want”, he reasoned. Gary merely fell back into silence, responding only with a dismissive huff.  
Robbie shook his head, “Look at me, Gaz. Look at me!” He demanded as he suddenly grabbed Gary’s briskly chin; and forcibly brought the older man’s face around to look him in the eye, “I love you, but we’ve been through a lot Gaz. There’s a lot to digest, so let’s just take a breath to give you space and the best resources to recover properly, ok - that’s all I’m saying. It’s NOT a break UP, I promise you! I don’t want to break up with you!”  
Now looking back into Robbie’s eyes, albeit forcibly, Gary was more confused than ever, “And when I get back from New York, what will happen then?” Gary doubtfully asked him  
Robbie released Gary’s chin. “We’ll talk it all over – we’re good at that” Robbie tried lightly.  
“Will you see other people?” Gary asked him.  
“I don’t want to”.  
“That’s not an answer!”  
“No, I will not see other people, Gaz!” Robbie stated, before a small niggle at the back of his mind made him ask, “Do you trust me on that?”  
Gary gave no response. He simply stared straight ahead, his eyes averted once again, his expression completely unreadable.  
Robbie huffed out a sigh, “Gary, I want us to have a future together, I honestly do, but right now you need to go to New York, and so I need to let you go. That’s all there is to it”, he said tiredly.

"Don't I get a say?" Gary asked.  
"No, not this time. I'm sorry."  
Gary shook his head, as a tear escaped down his cheek, "Please don't do this, Rob" came his quiet croaky plea, "You'll regret it! It took us so long to find our way back to each other last time, and this time, it will break us up for good!"  
"Maybe, maybe not...I guess I just have more faith in us" Robbie replied solemnly, "and besides, my mind's made up".

Once more Gary chose to fall back into silence. He honestly could say nothing to that, literally; between the already painful strain to his voice, as well as the anger and heart-breaking emotion whirling within him - he simply couldn’t physically speak any longer.  
Robbie for once, welcomed the renewed silence, and took the opportunity to take his leave, and give Gary some peace. He could see how it was all causing Gary such pain to talk.  
“I’m gonna go Gaz – give you time to think”, he quietly suggested, before he instinctively (as if by habit) reached over to kiss Gary on the cheek. Gary however, stealthily moved his head sharply away just in time to successfully evade both the kiss, and from seeing the hurt in Robbie’s eyes. The younger man quietly sighed - he had to have expected that reaction, but it was hurtful all the same. He paused to survey Gary’s face a moment, hoping to see some kind of reaction break free from behind that wall, but Gary was too strong; and so Robbie left his side, slinked quietly out the room, and turned his back on the love of his life. 

 

As the door closed, he immediately collapsed against it on the other side, barely believing what had just happened. _‘What the fuck have I done?’_ he inwardly screamed, _‘what the actual fuck am I playing at?’_ his own thoughts instantly tormented him, over and over again as the mass of unshed tears suddenly compromised his vision. He grabbed at his chest as his breathing dramatically hitched - he felt like he was going to break down in tears right there in the hospital corridor. He began to panic as his mind raced through the conversation, and as he relived every word spoken on the other side of the door, all he wanted to do was storm immediately back in the room, and take it all back – every word of it! .

At the same time, however, he knew that would mean he'd be taking the easier option again, but not the right one. He had to go through with this, for Gary’s sake. He knew that truth, and that was all that mattered.  
As he began to take an unsteady first step away from Gary’s hospital door, it ironically struck him just how much he was beginning to understand what love is, and what _he_ was capable of going through for the one he loved - what he’d do for love! He just never expected that realisation to have led to this.

He only hoped one day Gary would understand it all too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so don't hate me - please!  
> 1) I'm so sorry, after promising I'd update a lot sooner, I didn't manage to edit this chapter in time before my holiday. Be assured that I'm back now and furiously working on finishing this story by the end of the summer.  
> 2) and OK, Howard and Robbie had a fight and then I go and split R & G up again! I'm horrible, I can't help it; I love angst and drama - it's my bread and butter! And I know it doesn't look good for them right now but it's all going to my master plan, and remember - there's still a couple more chapters left! So you never know ;) xxx


	41. Playing All My Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Robbie told Gary they should take a break, but all it led to was a massive misunderstanding of questionable intentions and agonising hurt – will the lads sort it out? Concerned for their mates’ happiness, the other band members decide it’s time to intervene.

## Playing All My Cards

Robbie was in a frenzy…he couldn’t make sense of his own actions, let alone at the cost of them. But he couldn’t go back in and take it all back. He had to be strong….except he knew he really, really wasn’t even close to being strong. 

He hadn’t moved from the hospital.   
Time had passed, he knew that but he’d remained. He had eventually made it outside the actual building but that’s as far as he could go, and he only did it in order to avoid people’s looks. He had simply sat down on a bench outside in the hospital gardens, and stayed there. Trapped in his own mind, his head furiously tried to work out what the fuck he had done. 

That’s where Mark found him.   
“Aw, so it’s true! A homeless man that looks a bit like Robbie Williams has taken up residence here!” He said brightly, as he approached the bench and sat down next to his friend.  
Robbie gave no reply, he didn’t even raise his head to acknowledge the smaller man.  
Something Mark noticed. A concerned frown appeared on his face as he asked, “Rob – Why aren’t you in there with Gaz?”  
“I….I…can’t say….” Robbie quietly moped, “Something’s happened, I need to give him space.”  
“Well, something good, or bad?” Mark asked evenly, his face unreadable.  
“eh…I guess you could say I kinda cooled things off with him”.  
“I know, you moron! Gaz called me”, Mark told him sternly.  
Robbie immediately turned to meet Mark's angry eyes with his puffy ones, “what did he say? Is he ok?!” he desperately asked.  
“Of course he’s not ok”.  
“You should go up and speak to him then. He’s pretty upset with me” he pitifully moped.  
“Well, it’d be with a pretty good reason – don’t you think?” Mark commented dryly, “But as it is, I’m not here to talk to him. Gaz actually called me to ask if I could speak to you. He said you were sitting outside the hospital in need of someone to talk some bloody sense into you! And those were his exact words.”  
That had Robbie’s attention.  
His head shot up and he quickly glanced around him, as if suddenly realising where he was. He turned back to Mark with wide eyes, “How did he know I was outside?”  
Mark raised his brows, knowingly.  
“A Nurse told him she saw you out here, and that was an hour a go” Mark informed, “Why not just go in there and talk to him?” he implored.  
“Because he’ll expect me to take it back”, Robbie told him.  
“You won’t?” Mark asked.  
“I want to, and if I go in there, I’ll be weak enough to do it - but I can’t. It has to be this way!” He gallantly declared.  
“Do you even know what you’re playing at?!” Mark asked incredulously, “He’s supposed to be released tomorrow – what a fine welcome home this is!”  
“I didn’t intend to do this”, Robbie told him, “…I just did it instinctively, out of love. I had to. For him.”  
“Oh, Rob.” Mark sighed with sadness.  
“I know you don’t get it, but -”  
“No, you’re bloody right there!” Mark barked back at him.

Robbie could see Mark was upset with him, with every right to be, but he couldn’t be doing with it. None of them understood. “Oh, just go and speak to Gaz, Mark”, he retaliated, “– besides, I’d much appreciate it if you could just leave me here to wallow in this mess I’ve made for myself!”  
“No way – come on!” Mark demanded, “You can’t stay out here, people will start to spot it’s you, and if you’re not going to go back in to speak to Gaz, then you can at least come in with me to get a coffee.”  
“I can’t go back inside”, Robbie told him bluntly.

Mark sighed heavily as he surveyed Robbie through irritated eyes, and considered the mess the younger man had indeed made for himself. Most likely completely unnecessarily, of course.  
“Fine”, Mark replied after a moment’s thought, “Then I guess my place is the nearest.”  
“No, Mark – I just want to be alone”, Robbie woefully mumbled.  
“It’s not an offer Rob, it’s a request!” Mark glowered at him, “You say I don’t get it, well, then you’ll have to talk me through your insane logic that just caused you to throw away the best thing that’s ever happened to you!” All spoken with a savage shriek of sarcasm.   
Robbie moaned under his breath, but stood up and obediently followed Mark to the car park.

*************************************************************************************

 

“And he said that? Gary said he absolutely wouldn’t got to New York unless you broke up with him?” Mark asked, seeking strong clarification from Robbie.   
They were back at Marks, and after a silent car ride home, Robbie had finally opened up about his talk with Gary.   
For his part, Mark had actually listened to Robbie’s reasoning, albeit with a dumbfounded look on his face the whole time. It wasn’t until Robbie had finished relaying the whole conversation he’d shared with Gary, however, that Mark had probed him.

Robbie took a moment to give Mark's question thoughtful consideration.  
“Well, no”, he relented truthfully after a pause, “But it was implied! He’d basically told me he was staying in the UK, just to be with me. I couldn’t let him do that”.  
“So you broke up with him to what, make sure?” Mark mocked in disbelief.   
Robbie suddenly felt irritated, “Well, when you say it like that, I know it sounds stupid but -”  
“That’s because IT IS STUPID!” Mark yelled.  
“The break will do us good“.  
“Because him lying in a coma wasn’t enough of a break for you, was it?!” Mark ridiculed further.  
Robbie folded his arms, but remained silent. He felt like he was being interrogated, and it was really beginning to peeve him off.   
“He has to New York, Mark!” Robbie said in a stronger voice, “That’s what it comes down to, and I don’t need you to fully understand it, but I know I’ve done the right thing by him. I know that man better than anyone else, and so I know he would’ve convinced everyone that staying was for the best, and I would’ve gladly agreed just to have him home. But it wouldn’t have been right. I couldn’t let him throw away his one real chance of singing again!”

Mark looked on, and sighed. He saw the hopelessness in Robbie’s eyes, but the hidden determination too. The conviction too, was obvious in Robbie’s voice. All things considered, under any other circumstance, Mark would’ve admired him. But in that moment, Mark knew Robbie was being a complete and utter plonker!  
“He would’ve gone, Rob”. Mark told him, in a matter of fact tone.  
Robbie made no reply.  
“The funny thing is…” Mark continued regardless, “You’re not the only one to doubt that, which is odd because like you said – you know him best, and Howard and Gaz have always been close, too”.  
With his brow deeply furrowed, Robbie was now completely confused, “What do you mean?” he asked the smaller man before him.  
With a knowing look, Mark told him, “Howard called me this morning. Said he couldn’t sleep because he’d had words with you and felt bad about it. When he divulged the reasons, he said he was worried you were going to give Gary an ultimatum to make him stay, otherwise you’d end it with him. Ironic, don’t you think considering what you’ve now done?” Mark said with a sarcastic cocked brow. “I can’t believe Howard actually thought that.” He added.  
“Well, in all honesty I was actually planning to –”  
“No, Rob – you misunderstand, I mean I can’t believe both you and he thought you’d be _able_ to do that!” he almost laughed, “I know how you work in desperation Robbie, you’re impetuous and impulsive so of course you'd do something ridiculous like that but it wouldn't have mattered”.  
Robbie’s confusion deepened, “What are you saying, Mark?!” He said feeling hurt that Mark was seemingly making fun of his pain.  
Mark wasn’t making fun. “The truth is”, Mark began, as if stating the obvious, “and like I said to Howard, even if you’d given him that ultimatum, and he’d agreed to stay. I’m telling you now - he would still be going to New York!”.  
It wasn’t obvious to Robbie though. “How so?” he asked.  
“Because as soon as we’d have heard about it, we would’ve intervened and persuaded him”. Mark clarified.  
“You don’t know that, Mark!”   
“No, actually I do”, Mark said, “See, it may’ve taken a short while, but eventually he would’ve agreed to go, regardless of what you both wanted. You know why? Because it’s the best thing for him, and not only that but he has obligations to get the right treatment. Jonathan, the insurance companies, the record label – they would’ve all been on his back, not to mention, us – his band mates! The point being, Elliot had already floated the idea by ‘the powers that be’ – Gary would’ve soon been told he practically had no choice but to go.”

Robbie said nothing, he couldn’t. His heart was pounding as confusion gave way to shock and dread. He felt a massive lump suddenly form in his throat that he could barely painfully swallow past…  
“But no, you had to impulsively jump the gun, and do something so bloody typically you!” Mark scolded, “What you did was honourable, I get that but so completely unnecessary. Now all you’ve done is caused you both pain AGAIN!”

It was true – Robbie could see that now. Of course they would’ve made Gary go – those insurance companies are arseholes when it comes to covering their arses. He should’ve realised that. _‘Why didn’t I realise that?!’_ , he inwardly rebuked himself, knowing he’d indeed been a fool. This changed everything.  
…or did it?  
So it was true, he hadn’t needed to use the “Break” to convince Gary to go …and yet something told him he was still doing the right thing.  
“I don’t know, Mark” He finally said, “I mean I get what you’re saying, and you’re likely right, and I should’ve realised that”, he added in response to Mark’s questioning gaze, “…but maybe what I’ve done is still for the best anyway”.  
“How so?”  
“You won’t likely understand.”   
“Try me!” Mark challenged.  
“He’s a giver, I’m a taker!” Robbie flatly stated.  
“What?" Mark blurted in confusion, "You’re literally making no sense, do you realise that?!” he added, more puzzled than ever.  
“I was so ready to persuade him to stay, Mark. I honestly was going to tell him to do just that. Even after everything Elliot and Howard had said, in my head I still wanted to tell him to stay because I knew he would if I asked him – If I’m honest, I was fucking pleased with myself about it!”  
“Oh Rob –” Mark sighed.  
“But when I heard him actually say it, say he was staying; lying there with a massive grin on his face; smiling at choosing me over potentially singing again – I just couldn’t let that happen! I couldn’t!”  
“You felt guilty” Mark glibly stated.  
“It was more than that.” Robbie began, “I realised how awful it was. Honestly, who’d do that?! Who’d stand in the way of the one they love, from doing the one thing they love?! – a selfish prick, that’s who!”  
“Rob, you’re not –”  
“No, I am! …Well, I was. I thought I knew what love was, Mark – I loved Gary with all my heart; I’d wake up thinking about him, couldn’t wait to see him, and wanting to feel him beside me as I fell asleep each night. I wanted to always be with him, and I thought that was all love needed to be”, Robbie took in a shaky, stilted breath and sighed sadly, “But I was just being selfish. When we were together the first time around, I thought he was neglecting me; choosing work over me. But I didn’t see he was torn between the two, and I certainly didn’t validate all the times he was trying hard to please me.” 

Robbie paused there and looked away.  
A contemplative look fell across his face. “Work is what he loves doing”, he continued, “and I was trying to take that away from him, I berated him for doing what he loved! And you know why Mark?” Mark diligently shook his head, and Robbie smiled sadly, “It was all because I thought I was entitled to having him all to myself, when I needed him; when I was feeling low, and drowning in self-pity.” Robbie said, “I was just being selfish, the whole time; from trying to hide my mistake from him, to practically forcing him to come back to me too soon. I was just too fucking scared to cut the denial crap and admit I’d fucking screwed up, all because I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted him to forgive me, just so I could forgive myself – that’s not love!”

“Wait! Are you saying you don’t really love him?!” Mark asked with his face covered in shock, and very much trying to digest the revelations in their entity.  
Robbie shook his head vehemently, “No, I’m saying I didn’t love him like I was supposed to. Not like I promised to. Why did I always retreat from talk of marriage?” Robbie challenged (although the question was aimed at himself), “Maybe I just assumed he’d always be there anyway, or maybe deep down, I knew I didn’t deserve him. Or maybe I knew something wasn't right.  
“I’m confused Rob – do you, or do you not love Gary?!” Mark nervously asked, his heart full of pity and worry for them both.  
Robbie spun his head around in Mark’s direction, his eyes astonished, “What?!” his voice blazed, “NO! I love him more than my own life - have you not been listening to a word I’ve said?!”  
“Have you?” Mark asked sarcastically. He still couldn’t understand what Robbie was even saying.  
“I’m SAYING I didn’t deserve his love, because I was so fucking selfish!” Robbie told him, “And THAT’S why I also had let him go…because I love him too much to be selfish anymore. If he comes back to me, I’ll know then that I deserve his love.”   
“And how the hell is he supposed to know all that?!” Mark argued.  
“He doesn’t need to!” Robbie simply shrugged.  
“He deserves to know why you’re breaking his heart!” Mark furiously told him, “and I’ll be honest with you, I’m still not sure I entirely understand it myself!”  
Robbie shrugged again, “I’m not asking you too. I gave you my reasons, if you don’t understand it –”   
“Stephen Hawking couldn’t understand it, Rob!” Mark yelled, irritated no end - “Don't you get how upset Gary is?!” he continued, “He’s heart broken, because of you - AGAIN! And you’re still saying this is all for Gary’s sake?!”  
“It is!” Robbie retorted.

Mark looked at Robbie with suspicious narrowed eyes, “Please! You’re just worried of him rejecting you again, this is about you protecting yourself!” he snapped.  
The words cut deep, but Robbie concealed it by barking out a harsh laugh, “You’ve no idea, Mark!”  
“I know you’re still worried he doesn’t trust you, not fully.” Mark flatly said, “This is your way of not dealing it – but you’re a damn fool if you think this will help. It’ll just make it worse!”   
“Say what you like Mark”, Robbie countered, “But I know why I have to let Gary go for now, but as far as I am concerned this is NOT a break up, not to me! He will understand it in time. Being 3000 miles apart is going to be hard for us both as it is; I don’t want him to feel guilty and try to come back too early because he’s too worried about me. He needs to be there, he can’t be torn between the two, Mark. 

Mark looked at Robbie with complete disbelief, he couldn’t understand how Robbie could think having a break would make things better for either of them, and having been through it once with them, he wasn’t even sure the band could make it through a second time!   
“Well, I disagree” Mark shrugged with frustration, “but if you feel that way, you know there’s another solution to it, don’t you?!”   
“Oh, really?” Robbie inquired, unconvinced.   
“Isn’t it obvious?” Mark smiled.  
But before he could say more – his mobile phone rang and interrupted him. He glanced at the caller and breathed a sigh of relief, it was Howard!  
“Howard, thank goodness! You are not going to believe what Robbie’s done!” he declared to the person listening on the other end of the phone. Robbie rolled his eyes and meanwhile made himself busy with flicking though channels on Mark’s TV.  
From the conversation, Robbie could tell Howard was consequently planning to go see Gary. That came as a relief to Robbie, for it’d been killing him not knowing how Gary was doing. It was still taking every ounce of his will power to refrain from going himself. The instinct he felt in his heart told him to go, but the sense in his head held his feet still.

When Mark had finished relaying to Howard ‘what an idiot Robbie had been’, Mark decided he needed further advice and intervention on the matter, and so called Jason too.  
 _Jason: Where is he now?_ Jason asked Mark over the phone. Having just regaled the whole thing to Jason, Mark looked over at Robbie. Robbie was sat with his arms crossed and a face like thunder. He was not so subtly pretending, but failing to ignore the fact he was being talked about.  
 _Mark: He’s here on my sofa, pretending to watch TV._  
 _Jason: Take me over and put me on speaker, I wanna have a word, alrigh’ Mark?_.  
Mark sat himself down on the sofa next to Robbie and held the phone in front of them both, “Jason – he’s on speaker for you”.   
Robbie glanced at Mark through narrowed eyes – he had already surpassed the point of irritation, in terms of being lectured at.  
 _Jason: Rob – Mark told me what’s happened._  
“No, shit Sherlock” Robbie mumbled, which caused Mark to tut loudly at him.  
 _Jason: I’m not going to have a go, I know you must be hurting right now, and in some respects I do understand what you’ve done, and why you’ve done it._  
“Jason –” Mark interrupted irately.  
 _Jason: No, Mark – I honestly do. They’ve been through a lot, and Robbie’s trying to do the best by both of them, I get that. But Rob, that’s just it mate – have you even considered where this could lead? Breaks, are serious things -_  
“I know that Jay!” Robbie snapped, “If you think this was easy for me…”  
 _Jason: I know it’s not, but what you need to realise is, most ‘breaks’ end in full break ups…it’s often just too hard to find a way back!_  
“We did it before”, grumbled a defiant Robbie.  
 _Jason: Yeah, so a second time might be pushing it, don't you think? – besides that wasn’t a very easy way back together was it?_  
Robbie could hear the dry sarcasm in Jason’s voice.  
 _Jason: …And that brings us on to the other problem with taking a ‘break’; mate, like it or not, there are always other Lucas’ lurking around the corner!_  
At the mere utterance of that name, Robbie sharply shot his head around to face the phone in shock, “What’s that supposed to mean?” He demanded angrily.  
 _Jason: Calm down. I don’t mean in a psychopathic sense, Rob. I just mean, in the sense, that Gary might meet someone else – someone to talk to, provide comfort, rely on, and become close to... then how would you feel?_

Robbie felt his blood suddenly run cold as strange and unwelcoming visions began to rapidly flood his mind. He felt his breathing hitch as a wash of anxiety came over him, and a cascade of unwanted images firmly dug their way into his consciousness, refusing to budge. He gulped hard and instantly felt sick.   
“What Jason means is- ” Mark interjected, as he surveyed a pitiful Robbie Williams, “Even if Gary’s not looking for anyone else – it doesn’t mean he can’t meet someone that’s interested in him, and ditto with you. He’s a good looking lad, you both are – photos could be taken, misconstrued, given suggestable headlines in questionable tabloids; and we all know where that can lead!”  
Robbie starred at Mark, dumbstruck. He hadn’t considered that.

Mark saw a pensive look creep across Robbie’s face, and it looked almost painful. Jason’s input had definitely worked.  
“What do I do, Mark?! Should I go speak to him?” Robbie suddenly asked, almost pleading for someone else to tell him what to do. He was unsure.  
Mark looked at the strained look in Robbie’s eyes, and shook his head, “No, not yet. Let the dust settle a little, and let Howard go speak to him.” he told his distraught mate.  
“I don’t even know what to say to him!” Robbie feared.  
“All the better reason for not jumping in, in this state! Besides, Gary isn’t going anywhere” Mark reasoned, “– come ‘on, let’s just calm down and wait for Howard to call.

 

It was perhaps an hour later when Mark’s doorbell suddenly rang out, breaking through the confused reverie Robbie had been occupying for quite some time.   
Mark went to go answer the door, and no sooner had he opened it a crack, that Howard’s voice bellowed, "Where is he?!" - the words immediately carried all the way through to the lounge in which Robbie sat.   
“Rob!”, Howard roared as he burst through the door with a face like thunder.  
“I know!” Robbie stood up, his arms held up in defence.  
“What the fuck were you thinking?!” Howard continued to shout, “He’s devastated!”  
“So am I!” Robbie beseeched.  
“You ended it!”  
“As I keep saying; a ‘break’ is a break, not a break-up!” Robbie retorted defensively.  
“Are you for real?!” Howard let out a derisive laugh.   
“Look. I had to – he wasn’t going to go to New York, if I didn’t!”  
“Yet last night you were telling me you were gonna break up with him if he did! So why the sudden change in mind?” Howard challenged with anger evident in both his voice. and eyes.  
“I thought you’d be pleased!” Robbie countered, “I mean you’re always saying I’m selfish. Well, this is me not being selfish!”  
Howard huffed in frustration, “Rob – this is not what I meant! It’s not the way!”   
“He’ll be fine. Mark and Jason think he may even find someone else, someone better I should think!” Robbie astutely recalled, and not without sarcasm.  
Mark rolled his eyes, but refused to be dragged into an argument with Robbie.  
Howard shook his head, ignoring Robbie's defensive attitude. He couldn’t understand the logic. Gary was devastated, and this decision was obviously destroying Robbie too.  
“Better? What do you even mean, Rob?” Howard questioned, “You saved his life, for crying out loud!” he desperately reasoned.   
“Me AND Mark”, he said pointedly. “But that all happened BECAUSE I wasn’t there in the first place”, Robbie spoke strangely rationally, “You’ve even said it before, how I’m a self-gratifying, self-wallowing failure of a man – and when I should’ve been there - when he was fighting for his life, I wasn’t. Because I was here, at Mark’s being all dramatic and insecure! He needed me, and I wasn’t there because I placed more importance on working through my feelings than looking after Gary like I had promised him. He needed me, he needed me Howard – and I wasn’t there!” Robbie bowed his head dejectedly.  
"Rob, don't put yourself down like that!" Howard tried.  
"But you heard what the police and the doctors said - how he must’ve put up such a fight! Yet he shouldn’t’ve needed to. I should’ve been there. I said I would protect him, and I wouldn’t let Lucas touch him ever again!! But I did! How could he ever trust me on anything ever again, after that?! I’m just fooling myself!” Robbie moped.  
“Rob – it’s just pointless to think like that” Howard insisted, “– you didn’t know what Lucas was going to do. No one could’ve known that!”   
“And without trust, we have nothing but a doomed love, anyway”, Robbie continued having ignored Howard’s words. “He needs to go to New York, I know that,” he explained, “And I thought this way would be easier. He won’t need to worry or doubt me, and feel any let-down, again!”

Now thoroughly sick to the stomach, Robbie could only hold his face in to his hands, while Howard and Mark looked on perplexedly.   
“All I can think about", Robbie continued, " is what was going through Gary’s mind when he was fighting for his life. When that scum was trying to strangle the life out of him, what was going through his head?” Robbie confessed, as he finally gave way to the demons inside him, “Yet, I feel what he must’ve been thinking: Where was I? Why I wasn’t there for him? Oh, how he would’ve been silently pleading for me to burst through that door”.   
“You did!” Howard reminded him.  
“Too late!”  
“What are you talking about?!” Howard scolded, “He’s ALIVE you idiot! YOU SAVED HIM!!” 

At first Robbie gave no response. He just fell into a subdued state of silence, looking into the distance without really seeing. It worried Mark and Howard.   
Eventually, however – Robbie broke his silence…  
“Just for once he needed me, and I wasn’t there. I let him down, and yet even after all that he still wouldn’t go to New York, all because he felt he needed to stay here to look after ME. He didn’t say it, he didn’t need to but he knows I need him, and I wanted him to stay for my benefit, not his; and he was willing to sacrifice his voice for that. The worst of it is, that for a moment, I was very happy to let him, and that’s the honest truth to it”. Robbie admitted.  
The admission was met with silence.  
“I need him too much” Robbie’s confession continued (unhindered by interruption), “I depend on him for so much. Drawing my strength from him like a mosquito draws blood! He’d certainly be stronger without me, and don’t lie and pretend you think otherwise, for I know that’s what Elliot thinks”.  
“No it’s not, and none of us want to see you two split up over this, not after everything! Why can’t you see that Gaz going to New York doesn’t have to be an end to your relationship?!” Howard pleading hoping Robbie would see sense.   
But Robbie couldn’t see it.   
“I don’t want to put that all on Gary. I don’t want him to worry about me, to be consumed with doubt the whole time when he needs to concentrate on his therapy. The old ‘me’ would be gratified to know that I’d be on his mind the whole time, I’d even want him to think of nothing but me…but not now.” He then paused a moment to take a slow steadying breath, before he continued, “Gaz needs all his strength right now. He can’t have me hounding him for it, and stealing it for my own self-destructive ways. After everything he’s been through, I owe it to him to do right by him, just this once – even if that means taking myself out of the picture.”  
Mark shared a look with Howard, there was such an easy solution to it all, something Robbie obviously hadn’t considered. 

*************************************************************************************

 

Regardless of his realisation and acceptance, Robbie was depressed. On his way back from Mark’s he began to dwell more heavily on the consequences of his actions. It was true what Jason had said, there was no certainty that he and Gary would get back together and there was every possibility that someone might come along and try to take Gary away, again. Yet, the biggest things he dwelt on was not being able to physically see Gary, not being able to talk to him, to hold him, kiss him and make love to him. It didn’t bear thinking about.

He’d royally fucked things up. But he’d done it for Gary, he just wish he’d told him that, properly. He regretted the words he’d used so much. His mouth had just galloped ahead where his brain had faltered.

With his thoughts still heavily on Gary, and the hospital discharge the next day, he thought back to all those nights he’d spent by Gary’s bedside, only to now be going home, alone. He assumed Gary would now most likely be going up to Cheshire to stay before the arrangements for New York could be settled. Yet if Robbie had just kept his mouth shut, Gary would be coming home with him. A sick feeling settled in his stomach with that thought.   
In his dreams, he would be bringing Gary back with him, but in reality he was letting Gary be taken away from him. Furthermore, by his own making he’d now basically placed a wedge firmly between them both which was enough to make going to the hospital tomorrow, nigh impossible. He was certainly pretty damn sure Gary would not want to see him after the day’s events.  
He began to dwell once more on the last conversation with his boyfriend. Was he even his boyfriend anymore?! He had no clue. Had he fucked things up so severely that Gary himself believed him not? It was a good possibility, or so he figured. _That_ , of course, had not been Robbie’s intention. He hadn’t meant to say it so stupidly, he’d only meant for Gary to go to New York with his blessing. Why had he even used the word ‘break’?! he inwardly groaned _‘- when had that ever gone well?!’_ He asked himself, as he recollected his own stupidity.

It was then he realised however, that Gary may need more clothes and toiletries before being discharged tomorrow. If he was to go over to Gary’s and put together some things, it’d be a great excuse to go and see Gary before he went up to Cheshire. Maybe they could talk it through better, and clear things up. Maybe he could even make Gary understand, it is for the best. It was worth a try, after all it’d be harder when he’s in Cheshire, and Robbie definitely didn’t want to let Gary go to New York without trying to clear it up first.

Robbie checked he still had Gary’s key in his pocket, and swiftly told his driver to make a detour. 

*********************************************************************************************

 

As the driver pulled up on to the drive, Robbie was both surprised and confused to see another car already on the drive. He recognised it in an instant, as belonging to Gary’s mum.  
“Marjorie?” Robbie called into the house as he entered, “Are you here?” he asked.  
“Robbie, dear - is that you?” a small feminine voice called out from upstairs.  
“Yes, Marj.” He called back and walked through to meet her as she descended the staircase, “Wasn’t expecting to find you here!” He said brightly, with a kind smile.   
“Oh, I’ve just popped over to check on things; water the plants, collect the post, give the place a dust – that sort of thing” Marjorie told him, “Just every now and then. I didn’t want Gary to worry about missing anything important in the post”.  
Robbie smiled. Mums never stop being mums, even when their sons are in their forties.  
“I guess you’re over to pack up a few things to take back to yours”, she further commented.  
Robbie threw her a questioning look, before he realised Marjorie didn’t know. Gary obviously hadn’t spoken to her since his last visit.   
He swallowed dryly, feeling his face flush. After all those nights he and Marjorie had spent by Gary’s side, just with each other for company, they had grown close. How could he tell her what he’d done?!   
Marjorie however, being extremely wise and equipped with a very astute mother’s intuition immediately knew something was wrong.   
“What’s happened dear?” She asked, reading the look on Robbie’s face.  
“Gary hasn’t told you?” he sheepishly enquired, although he already knew the answer.  
Marjorie furrowed her brows, figuring something was amiss, “I’ve not spoken to him since yesterday, I was going to call him later on. Have I missed anything?”   
Rob shuffled awkwardly on his feet, he really didn’t want to tell her, “I well…no, not really”, he started, before realising he had no choice but to come clean, “Actually, well – I guess I should probably tell you, me and Gaz - we’ve decided to take a break …from our relationship.”  
Robbie watched as the older lady’s eyes grew wide with astonishment, “What?! Why?” she breathlessly questioned.  
“Because Gary needs to go to New York, Marjorie.” Robbie told her flatly, “It has the best treatment for him, and well…he gave me no choice; he wasn’t going to go, so I had to make him”.   
Marjorie observed him through shrewd eyes, “You ended it?”  
Robbie blinked. It was agonising, seemingly watching her love for him dim before his eyes, as he realised by losing Gary, he was losing them both. “I just think it’d make it easier to take a break, to allow him time to concentrate on his rehabilitation properly”, he reasoned.   
Marjorie looked thoroughly unconvinced. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, dear” she said, matter-of-factly.  
“It’ll be fine Marjorie, I promise – we’ll be ok, when he gets back”, Robbie said rather meekly.  
Marjorie raised her brow, “When he gets back?” she shook her head, “Oh no, that won’t do. That won’t do at all. He was complete mess last time, you both were”, she explained, “I still don’t even get why you need to separate?”   
Feeling his throat dry, he nervously cleared his throat before responding, “It’s like I said, Marj - he wasn’t going to go. I had to ensure he went, for his own good”.  
Marjorie gave him a doubtful look, “Robbie Darlin’, I can tell there’s more to it.” She wisely deduced.  
Robbie sighed, “Why does no one believe me?!” he beseeched.  
“It’s simply for the best. He deserves the best – and right now, and right here – I can’t give him that!” 

Marjorie surveyed him closely, before nodding her head ever so slowly, “I know what this is – you think you’re not good enough, don’t you?” she probed; and looked at him like you would a child who irrationally argued black was white.  
Robbie nodded. He couldn’t help it. Under her mature gaze, he completely faltered.   
She shook her head, and sighed, “Oh Robbie. How could you think that?!”  
But when he responded with only a sheepish shrug, she tutted, “Excuse me, but when that bullying monster of a man tried to kill my son, who stopped him?” she crossly demanded.   
“I did, but –”  
“And I thank the Lord you did, you were there for him.” Marjorie told him straight, “Why would you even think you’re not good enough for Gary? I know you love him”.  
Robbie looked into her kind eyes, but shook his head, “It doesn’t matter – I’ve too many demons, too many flaws to love your son how he deserves – that I do know.”  
With her hands on her hips, Marjorie looked up at the man before her and vehemently shook her head, “That is ridiculous! Regardless of what you’ve done in the past, what you’ve both done; you BOTH deserve the love you’ve built together.” She sternly him, “And when are you going to realise he needs you too, huh?”   
Robbie gave no reply.

“You have your faults, dear.” Marjorie continued, “I know that. You can be a lose wire at times, and you’re definitely the high maintenance sort”, she told him flatly. Robbie raised an eye brow but couldn’t help but smile and let her carry on. “But when did you get it into your head lad, that you’re the only one with faults, and the only one that needs someone?” she challenged, “Because I know my son, he has his own flaws, and he needs you. Gary is scared right now; he’s having to deal with his near fatal attack, the loss of his voice, and now apparently uprooting to New York too. And you’re saying it’ll be best for him, if he does all that alone?”  
Robbie couldn’t speak, he hadn’t thought about it that way. From the pensive look on his face, Marjorie could tell that too.   
“Personally”, she continued, “I think it’d be downright cruel to make someone you love go through all that alone, but I know you’re not cruel to do that, so there must be another reason too.”  
“I can be cruel Marj, we both know that!” Robbie said pointedly.  
“You have been cruel, but not now – that’s all in the past. Leave it there where it belongs!” The older woman firmly advised him.  
“You don’t understand how selfish I’ve been though”, Robbie replied, determined to be right on this, “I nearly made him stay here Marjorie. I knew it was in my power to, I knew he would if I told him to, and I nearly let him go through with it. And you know why?” Although he didn’t wait for an answer, “It was all because I didn’t want him to go – so don’t you see, that’s the real me, Marjorie – now do you still think I’m good enough for your son?” He mocked.  
If Marjorie was shocked by his admission, she didn’t show it. Instead he saw a new understanding emerge in her eyes, as she softly asked, “But why sweetheart? Why is Gary going to New York so bad?”  
Robbie looked her deep in the eyes and crumbled, “I just….I can’t handle it”, he quietly moped.  
“Handle him being away?”  
“yes …but mostly his face.”   
That had Marjorie stumped, “His face?” she asked, rather puzzled. 

“Seeing his face.” Robbie replied, “The face that tells me he still doesn’t fully trust me. Every time I ask him if he trusts me, he has this look on his face like he’s trying to lie for my sake but it’s so obvious he doesn’t. And when we’re 3000 miles apart, and using FaceTime or Skype, I can’t handle him asking me what I’ve been up to, and then seeing that look.” He explained l further, “It just kills me, Marj. I know it’s my own fault, but I just want his trust back. If he were to stay here, at least he wouldn’t have to doubt where I was or who I was with, but all that distance for all time, it’s not good for him, and me.”

“Oh Robbie.” Marjorie brought a comforting hard to Robbie’s cheek to wipe away a fallen tear. But Robbie couldn’t accept her comfort, or her kind gaze.  
“No. I’m sorry Marj, I’m just not strong enough – I can’t take him going. So yeah, go ahead, you can call me selfish now!” Robbie declared, his voice decadent with self-pity.  
With a penetrating stare, Mrs Barlow looked upon the pitiful creature stood before her, a moment. She lightly shook her head as a soft smirk began to play at her lips.  
“Robert, for goodness sake - you think I don’t know how selfish you are?” she retorted. With some surprise, Robbie’s eyes flicked up to meet hers. But Marjorie’s smile was full of warmth, “I was sat next to you all those bloody long nights at the hospital while you ate all the grapes! Talk about selfish!” she playfully mocked, with a giggle. Then her face turned serious again, “So you’re a bit selfish and insecure – so what? Gary knows it, and he doesn’t mind. I even think he likes it sometimes.” She reasoned, “You’re not perfect, but as I keep telling you - neither is Gary; you’re selfish, but he works too hard. And don’t you see how perfect that is, you being selfish is precisely what he needs to stop him working too hard! You’ve got flaws - but for pity sake Robbie, everyone has flaws! EVERYONE! Don’t take this the wrong way love, but you’re not special enough to be the only one!”  
Robbie couldn’t help but smile at that. “The thing is Marj, while that may be true - my flaws aren’t helping Gary right now, and that’s all I know!”   
The older woman rolled her eyes, “For crying out loud, your love – that helps him!” she told Robbie sternly, beginning to lose her patience, “But right now, after this he’ll likely be doubting your love. Especially if he thinks you can switch it off easily if you want to take a break from him like this. Do you want him to go to New York, thinking that? Is that what you want?” she glowered at him.  
“No! Of course not!” Robbie reassured her.  
“Then do something about it!” she implored, “Tell him what you’ve told me, otherwise how do you expect him to ever understand?! He needs to know!”  
“I can’t – he’ll hate me!”  
“He won’t! But he may grow to hate you, if you don’t. He has a right to know, and you keeping this from him isn’t going to help any trust issues.”  
Robbie looked at the older woman’s honest face, and knew she was right. However that didn’t make the prospect of coming clean to Gary any easie  
r.   
As if reading his mind she continued, “My dear boy, please remember - love isn’t about having or not having flaws, it’s not even about recognising flaws and trying to fix them for the one you love – although that’s nice to do, but love shouldn’t be that much hard work. Yes, there’s a compromise to reach in any relationship, but the love that lasts is knowing the flaws in each other, and them not mattering one iota! IF you work through your problems TOGETHER.” 

Robbie slowly nodded, knowing she was right – but that just made him more afraid he’d already royally screwed things up.  
With sympathy in her eyes, she smiled sadly, “Robbie, don’t worry – it’ll be ok”, she told him, with a comforting rub on the arm, “You sometimes need the bad times to make the good times shine that much brighter. It’s been a bit of a bad time for you both for quite some time, but you know what I think?” She smiled. Robbie silently nodded as he clung to her every word.  
“The good times are just around the corner, Robbie – but sometimes you need to chase them, fight for them, and above all don’t give up on love. It’s worth it, and take it from someone that had the love of her life cruelly taken away from her far too soon – don’t ever let it get away. You’ll regret it.”

Marjorie smiled warmly at Robbie, before she pulled him in for a hug, “Love is what you make it, Robbie dear”, she said as she patted his chest, “you don’t need to change, and neither does my Gary, because the love you build together shapes you in a way you don’t even see it happening, not by altering you per se, more like building you up, so the love is an extension of you both. The point being, I know with the love you and my boy have, you’re already building something beautiful together and I can’t wait to see where that takes you. Just remember to put the time and effort in to protecting it, and enjoy every minute of it, because as you’ve seen, it can be cruelly stolen from you so quickly.”

She released Robbie from their warm hug and looked straight into his eyes, “I trust you with Gary’s heart, and I know he will too, but you need to go to him, and show him he can”.  
Robbie nodded. He finally understood, and immediately knew what he needed to do, and where he needed to be. 

“I’ve got to see him!” He announced, just as Marjorie became distracted by her mobile phone ringing. As she picked it up, he gently kissed her goodbye on the check and wordlessly mouthed her his thanks as she greeted the caller on the phone   
It was Elliot Kennedy.  
At hearing the other man’s name, Robbie decided to immediately take his leave, not to go home, but back to the hospital. Just the thought was enough to make the biggest smile appear on his face. It was still going to be difficult talking to Gary about his fears, but just like Marjorie told him, it’d would be worth it!

**************************************************************************************

 

Arriving at the hospital, Robbie checked the time on his phone hoping he hasn’t missed visiting hours.   
He then noticed a missed call from Howard, but having figured Howard just called to have another go at him, he decided to ignore it. Once in the hospital walls, Robbie raced through the hospital, and up the stairwell, being too impatient to wait for the lift. Once he reached the correct floor, he briskly made his breathless way, dashing through corridors until Gary’s room came in sight…

“Back already?” A cheery voice suddenly called out to him. In surprise, he turned to see a familiar face smiling back at him. It was one of the nurses that frequently cared for Gary.   
“Sorry?” Robbie replied, a little dazed and confused by the nurse's comments; he hadn’t been there since early that morning and now it was nearly six-thirty in the evening. “Did he forget something?” She then asked, “– he left so quickly, but that large chap was quite insistent”, the nurse told him.  
Robbie was more confused, but it sounded like she was talking about Elliot, “Right, yeah. Well, I was just on my way to see him – is he up?” he asked.  
It was her turn to look confused, but Robbie couldn’t account for why. “Gary”, he clarified, “Is he up for a visitor?” he cheekily smiled.  
Her confusion however, simply further deepened, “I don’t understand what you mean”, she slowly said. Robbie felt a nervous flutter erupt somewhere inside him, something wasn’t right…”Where’s Gary?” he anxiously asked.  
The nurse looked at him somewhat sadly as she said, “Mr Barlow released himself from this hospital, about an hour ago”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with this fic - the next chapter is the final in this story, but there will be an additional chapter to come thereafter, which will be an epilogue to conclude this story. I have loved writing it, and am sorry to soon be finishing it, but after over a year and a half, it's time to say goodbye. Thank you for reading xx


	42. I Never Thought I'd Leave It All So Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> …and so it all ends here. Robbie loves Gary, Gary loves Robbie but now Robbie’s lost Gary (again!)…Will Robbie make it to Gary, in time? ...and the big question is will they make it? Can they finally find happiness together, or is it always going to be out of reach, literally?!

## I Never Thought I'd Leave It All So Late

Still in a stunned daze, Robbie stood stock still, in shock. He couldn’t believe it. It made no sense to him, _'why would Gary release himself a day early?'_ he worriedly wondered. He didn't really know how long he was stood there for but after a while he became conscious of people’s looks, and so began to slowly walk back down the hospital corridor, after realising there was no point to him really being there now. 

Once outside hospital, he collapsed on to that familiar bench he was in only earlier that day. At a complete loss, he wondered where Gary could be, but mostly how _he_ , Robbie FUCKING Williams, could’ve been such an idiot to royally fuck it up with his boyfriend, after everything they'd been through. Robbie knew he needed to fix it, but he needed to know where Gary was to have even the smallest of chances at doing just that. Wherever he was, he was at least reassured that Elliot was with him, or so Robbie figured from what the nurse had said; and thinking back, it was probably why Elliot had called Marjorie back at the house. Boy, did he regret leaving there so quickly now!

Completely perplexed on what to do to find Gary, it was then Robbie felt his phone begin to buzz. He checked who was calling him, and picked up immediately when he saw it was Howard calling again.  
_Howard: At bloody last! Where have you been I’ve been trying to get hold of you all afternoon!_  
From the loud humming in the background, Robbie could tell Howard was using hands-free, driving somewhere.  
_Robbie: Are you driving?_ he simply inquired, whilst contemplating on how to tell him about Gary, without the older man 'losing it'.  
_Howard: Yes. Where are you now?_  
Howard’s tone was curt and impatient, and it had Robbie immediately on guard. Maybe Howard knew something about Gary.  
_Robbie: I’m at the Hospital. Gary’s gone, Howard. He’s released himself!”_  
Just saying the words out loud made a lump of worry begin to stick in Robbie’s throat. He struggled to dryly swallow pass it, and failed.  
_Howard: I know! That’s why I was trying to reach you. Stay there, I’m not far away, I’m coming to pick you up!”_  
_Robbie: Why? What’s going on?! Do you know where Gary is? Is Elliot with him?_  
_Howard: Rob, he’s on his way to the airport – in fact he’s likely there by now!_  
_Robbie: WHAT?! NO!_  
Robbie felt a sickening wave flood through his body as a sense of deep panic quickly set in.  
_Howard: Elliot’s with him, he managed to arrange an early admission into the clinic, and Gary agreed to it. I’m guessing his talk with you was a factor in that. But the point is, he’s due to fly out to New York in less than two hours!_  
Robbie felt light headed, he couldn’t believe it! Gary was leaving. The sickening feeling inside him deepened until his entire body began to shake.  
_Robbie: Oh my god Howard! What do I do?! He can’t leave! I need to speak to him!_  
_Howard: I know! I’m gonna get you there! Be ready by the front entrance, I’ll be there in 5 minutes!_  
With that Howard ended the call. Robbie silently nodded, more to himself than anything. He was still in shock, but knew he needed to remain calm and think it through. All he needed to do was get to Gary, and clear everything up...except, Gary was already at the airport, and if Robbie misses seeing him now, he may not get another chance to speak to him. Gary might not give him that chance! _’Oh fuck, how do I fix this?!’_ he anxiously fretted, as he felt his life fall apart. He couldn't lose Gary, he just couldn't! He needed to fix this!

It was then an idea suddenly came to him, and it was strong enough to make a small smile curve at his lips in an instant. He turned back to his phone, and with a deep intake of breath he scrolled through it with intent; for he now knew all he needed to do, and so that’s when he made a call to his Personal Assistant. 

************************************************************************************* 

“How many bags are you checking in?” enquired the smiling lady, wearing a formal airline uniform.  
“Er…these four” Elliot Kennedy replied, and he began to shove the first case on to the scales to be weighed.  
The two men were at the airport check-in, and up until that point Gary had been in what can only be described as a daze. That was until he saw Elliot putting his large laptop bag on the scales next.  
“No, I’m not checking that in Elliot, it’s got all my equipment in”. Gary told him with a frown.  
“Fine,” Elliot sighed, “make that 3 bags” he told the Airline staff.  
“It’ll cost you extra to have –”  
“It’s fine”, Elliot cut off the lady. He didn’t mean to be grumpy, but he was exhausted. After landing only 4 hours ago, he was now blearily eyed and heading back to the States already, having successfully arranged the early admission into the New York clinic, and on top of that, persuaded Gary to take it.  
“It’ll also take you longer to get through security with that amount of electronics”, the Airport lady helpfully warned.  
“I know”, Elliot replied, “We’ve got a good couple of hours yet, though” he reasoned. 

All checked in, the pair made their way to security. Elliot however, was surveying Gary with concern.  
He didn’t seem himself.  
“Maybe, we should’ve kept the wheelchair, you still look a bit shaky on your legs”, Elliot suggested. But Gary shook his head.  
“Nah, I’m fine” Gary grumbled, “– I just haven’t been up walking this much for a while, that’s all. But I can do it”, he assured.  
Gary did feel unsteady on his feet, but how much of that was down to his physical ability, he wasn’t sure. He felt sick inside for leaving like this, without saying goodbye to anyone. He knew he had no choice, for Elliot told him the admission was time-dependent. Besides while Gary was being released from the hospital, Elliot had made some calls on his behalf - including that to his mum. But that didn’t make it any easier to deal with.  
Then of course, there was Robbie.  
His last conversation with Robbie, had been strained and confusing – mostly because Robbie had told him, he wanted a break! But no matter how angry he was with Robbie, he couldn’t switch his feelings off like that. Gary had no idea where he now stood with Robbie – but he still loved him.  
’Maybe it was all just too much for him, in the end’ he inwardly moped. It was hard to say goodbye to his lost love, but it seemed like that was exactly what he was going to have to do. 

******************************************************************************************** 

“Can’t you go any faster?!” Robbie impatiently demanded from the passenger seat.  
“I’m pushing the law as much as I can, Rob!” Howard told him sternly, “We’ll get there, you just be ready, ok? You’ve copied down the flight number, righ’?”  
“Yeah, I just hope I can find him.” Robbie quietly replied, somewhat subdued in his own thoughts, “It’s terminal 5, yeah? Because that’s where I told my PA to meet me.”  
“Why do you need to meet your PA?” Howard asked him, in confusion.  
But Robbie just smiled, “I’ll explain later, mate. Right now, all I can think about is finding Gaz”. 

****************************************************************************************** 

“Why is there such a queue?” Elliot tiredly asked as they stood in a queue to go through Airport Security.  
“I think there was a problem with the scanner or something, because both queues seem to be going into one lane now” Gary explained, yet not sounding really bothered about it. His mind was too preoccupied to care. He took his phone out, and stared at it pointlessly, for it had no charge.  
“I should’ve called Robbie” Gary said out loud, although it was more to himself than anyone in particular.  
Elliot understood, and just looked at his friend with caring sympathy. He and Robbie certainly had their differences, but he knew Robbie made Gary happy; and right now, Gary was anything but happy. He was downright miserable.  
“I’m sure everything will be ok”, Elliot voiced, after a moment had passed, “You can call him when we land, and like he said – a little space between you, it may even do you some good”, he reasoned.  
“He didn’t want just space though, did he?” Gary said slightly bitterly, “He said he wanted a ‘break’; a break from being with me”, he brooded. Elliot could only sigh and look on at his downhearted friend. He had no answers for him, for Robbie’s actions had genuinely confused him too. 

****************************************************************************************** 

“Fuck!”  
“I know, Rob”  
“Fucking hell – I can’t believe this!”  
“I know, but there’s nothing we can do!” Howard irritably snapped. He was frustrated at the traffic just as much as Robbie was.  
“We’re still 5 miles away!” Robbie yelled, feeling so sick with impatience he could barely stay still it he seat.  
“I know! The sat-nav says 9 minutes, if this traffic clears soon, we should make it in 15.” Howard reasoned, trying to keep them both calm.  
“His plane takes off in an hour and a half!” Robbie panicked.  
“I know, I know”, Howard mumbled, as he saw the cars merging into the outside lane just ahead of him , “I think there’s a broken down vehicle ahead – we’ll pass it soon”.  
But Robbie was too nauseated with nerves to reply. 

****************************************************************************************** 

“Finally!” Elliot declared with relief, as they left Airport security, “I know that lady said it’d take time to get the electronics through security , but that was ridiculous!”  
“I know, and they didn’t repack it right, neither” Gary complained.  
“Oh well, we’ve still got a little over an hour - you wanna get a coffee somewhere?” Elliot asked with a kind face, whilst trying to glaze over his immediate need for an injection of caffeine.  
Gary read the signs in Elliot’s face though, and nodded his consent, with a smile. 

****************************************************************************************** 

“Come on, com’ on, com’ on!” Robbie fidgeted as Howard looked for somewhere to pull up by the terminal entrance, “There’s less than an hour to his flight! Just pull up there, Howard!" pointing to the taxi rank, "I need to get out NOW!”  
“I know, I AM!”, Howard impatiently yelled him as struggled to find a spot just momentarily, before he cheekily dodged by another car and swerved straight into a space outside the terminal, just as a taxi departed from it.  
With a loud screech of the tyres, Howard slammed on the brakes and immediately stopped the car. He breathed a sigh of relief, just as Robbie struggled to undo the buckle of his seat belt. “Get going, Rob!” he breathlessly directed.  
Robbie nodded and was free, and out of the car in an instant – “thanks, love you!” he yelled as he slammed the door shut behind hm and pelted off into the airport terminal as fast as his feet would carry him, “Good luck!” Howard yelled after him, rather redundantly since Robbie’s figure was already retreating fast beyond the glass front of the airport terminal. All Howard could do now was hope Robbie made it to Gary, in time… Howard meanwhile needed to move his car – otherwise he was definitely going to get a ticket for being parked in the taxi rank!  
It was all down to Robbie now.  
******************************************************************************************* 

“They’re beginning boarding, Gaz – not us yet, but we can go through to the lounge at least, if we want anyway” Elliot suggested.  
They’d had a coffee, and now with less than 45 minutes to their flight, they’d arrived at the boarding gate, “Do you mind if we just wait out here by the desk?” Gary asked.  
“No problem, mate”, Elliot replied with a smile, “They’ll be letting us on soon, anyway”.  
Although he felt anything but smiling, Gary forced a smile out. The prospect of getting on the plane was obviously a relief to an exhausted Elliot, but Gary felt differently. He still wasn’t happy about going on such short notice, without saying goodbye to his loved ones, and still Robbie played on his mind. As Gary dwelled on sadness inside him, he looked around him. With what objective, he didn’t know. What was he looking for, he knew not. He figured he was looking for nothing in particular…and yet something at the same time. But _it_ wasn’t there, in either case.  
A loud voice rang out in the boarding lounge speakers, and it grabbed Gary’s attention back.  
“That’s us!” Elliot told him with a bright smile, and stood up, taking Gary's laptop bag in his own hands. Gary followed but faltered at smiling back. Whether he was happy about it or not, it was indeed time to go. 

******************************************************************************************* 

Robbie was running through the airport.  
People were staring at him, taking double looks when they realised who it was that was galloping past them, that was when he wasn’t having to traverse the obstacles people presented with their hand-luggage. At one point Robbie had to take a running leap of faith and jump over a camel coloured leather holdall sat in the middle of the floor. He had only just made it too, before he sprinted past the elderly male owner who looked gobsmacked.  
With his heart in his mouth, Robbie was panicking. He could tell by the screens around him that the flight was already boarding and so there was every likely chance Gary was already sat on the plane, with no idea Robbie was on his way to find him. He'd miss him, and Gary would never even know!  
“Oi! You Pillock!” Shouted an angry guy in an ill-fitting vest, shorts and flip-flops, just as Robbie suddenly bustled past him and accidently knocked a drink out of his hand in the process.  
“Sorry, I’m on a mission of love!” He shouted out over his shoulder without a backwards glance. He couldn't chance it, as he continued to race down in the direction of the boarding gates; if people weren’t looking before, they certainly were now.  
Robbie cared not.  
There was only one face he was interested in seeing, and now with some relief he could finally see the section of boarding gates up ahead. Gary’s flight was leaving from one of them, for sure.  
Out of breath, his lungs in pain and feeling like his heart was going to burst out of his ribcage, he saw the travellator leading to the gates and stepped on. Then whilst speedily walking twice as fast (thanks to the travellator) he scanned the gate numbers up ahead. Lined up like a row of numbered houses, he checked each gate, but looking from left to right he just couldn’t spot the one he was searching for…”FUCK!” he yelled in frustration, and received a loud tutting rebuke from the young mother walking in front of him with her toddler.  
“Sorry, I can’t find Gate 19! I need to get there before it’s too late!” Robbie said in near hysteria. The mother turned around fully ready to give him the death stare that equated to a ‘I-don’t-care’ look, when she suddenly recognised who it exactly was standing behind her, “Oh, hi! I didn’t know it was you”, she suddenly blushed. “Gate 19, you say?” she offered, while subtlety tidying her hair. It had been flaying in front of her face thanks to the air conditioning.  
Robbie noticed but didn't care. He only nodded, and she looked back at the gates, “There!” she helpfully pointed dead ahead, “it’s signed, but it's currently obscured by the toilet sign coming up, however the gate's directly in front".  
Robbie looked at her astonished. He followed her gaze, and bent down to see beyond the sign showing the direction of the toilets. It was attached to the ceiling up ahead, but she was right! He saw it, gate 19 – it was being hidden all along!  
“Thank you so much!” He beamed at the woman. She smiled back and moved to let him pass – “Hope you get there in time!” she cheerfully called after him. 

Running on the travellator, was so much speedier than normal walking, and with relief it wasn’t incredibly busy but still he had to dodge the odd bag or child. He couldn’t worry about it, for as he looked ahead and the gate came into full view he could see it was practically empty now.  
That was all except for…  
He suddenly felt his heart leap for joy! For in the shortening distance there he saw Gary. He was standing by a flight attendant at the gate’s desk, handing over his boarding pass to be checked.  
Robbie felt a renewed sense of panic, Gary was about to leave…  
“GARY!” He yelled before he even had time to think, “GARY BARLOW!” 

****************************************************************************************** 

“GARY BARLOW!”  
Hearing his name being called out was not an unusual occurrence, particularly in a public place. But it was the voice that stopped him in his tracks, that voice he recognised so well, it was the same voice that both simultaneously stilled his heart and made it leap, all at the same time.  
Gary turned to see the owner of that voice, one very visible Robbie Williams; who was strangely and slightly haphazardly galloping towards him on the travellator, his face flustered and yet beaming from ear to ear.  
Gary stood there not knowing what quite to do. He was completely shocked, and majorly bewildered as he watched Robbie rapidly approaching him; the man who had saved his life, yet continually caused him so much pain too. 

As he neared ever closer, Gary saw Robbie’s grin had faded to a strangely nervous, yet stoic expression. He was only walking now, but with such intent, Gary couldn’t help but feel a nervous flutter in his heart, and it was enough to cause him to gulp.  
Robbie was only metres away now, and Gary continued to swallow dryly as he readied himself for confrontation.  
“Rob, Why are you he –”  
But Gary’s question was instantly interrupted, and his every thought completely halted by Robbie’s unexpected lips immediately meeting his. Without a word, Robbie had quite simply walked right up to him, and kissed him like there was no tomorrow.  
Maybe it was shock that stopped Gary from automatically pushing Robbie away, or maybe it was the fact he didn’t want to do anything of the sort, but Gary kissed him right back. With their lips seemingly melting together, Robbie kissed him with such passion, he simply took Gary’s breath away, and with it any thought of their last conversation only that morning. The kiss was so intense, that the pressure was enough to nearly force Gary back but Robbie was of course there to catch him, and he did. He swiftly engulfed Gary’s entire body in his arms and continued to kiss him. He slid his arms down Gary's back before he lightly grabbed Gary’s arms just behind the elbows and pulled him closer still. He was holding Gary to him, firmly enough that Gary would have difficulty breaking away...if he should choose to. But he didn't, and so Robbie wrapped his arms around Gary’s smaller frame all the more. 

Robbie held him there, in a very unexpected and yet perfectly passionate, all-consuming kiss, and all in the middle of boarding gate 19’s departure lounge, while holiday makers and passing businessmen looked on. Some people pointed, gasping, and the odd camera flash dazzled from all directions, when those closest to the embrace suddenly recognised the parties involved – two VERY famous pop stars. 

But the two VERY famous pop stars knew not, and cared not. The kiss was too intoxicating, and ensnared the two men in a swirl of warmth, where only they existed, where only they belonged. It was incredibly overwhelming and Gary soon became lost in the powerful sensation, very contentedly so; and wished only to stay there for eternity.  
So he was immediately disappointed when at last, he began to feel the pressure on his lips lighten. Gary reluctantly opened his eyes, and watched as Robbie finally pulled away from him, and unwelcomingly released him from the firm hold. 

As if landing back on Earth, Gary looked at a sheepish Robbie Williams with full astonishment. He was still recovering from Robbie’s sudden arrival, let alone the unexpected kiss. Robbie backed away from him and suddenly grinned.  
The grin was enough to thoroughly shake Gary out of his trance, and in fact made him instantly irritated, “What was that?!” he demanded angrily. Although most the anger came from fear - fear for his heart, should it be broken once more.  
The grin and sheepish expression shinning on Robbie’s face didn’t help to abate those fears...  
“Was that a goodbye kiss?” Gary wondered aloud, giving his fears a voice.  
A serious look came over Robbie’s face, “If that’s what you want”, he said glumly.  
“If that’s what I WANT? Are you fucking serious?!” Gary suddenly exploded, “You come here, just as I’m getting on a plane – by the way, I don’t even know....I mean, how DID you get through Airport Security, exactly?”  
“Well –”  
“No! You know what, it doesn’t matter!” Gary immediately interrupted him, “What matters is you kissing me like that, like you just did, and making me feel so, you know… but then saying it can just be a fucking goodbye kiss, if I WANT IT TO BE! You are an arsehole, Williams! A complete arse…with stupid doofy hair…and a stupid annoying face!” he struggled, feeling so much anger and hurt he couldn’t express.  
Robbie always found Gary so adorable when he was outraged, particular when he was so enraged he couldn't quite find the words. However, he supressed a lovingly amused grin, fearing it would only antagonise Gary further.  
“I’m sorry, it was a bad choice of words”, Robbie offered with a kind smile, “It’s become a habit of mine lately”, he added.  
Gary was in no mood to humour Robbie, “Why are you here?” he curtly asked Robbie, “To stop me? Or to just say goodbye? – because if you’ve not noticed, I’m about to board a plane”, he told him dryly, allowing obvious irritation to spill from his mouth, regardless of how he felt in his heart. He wanted to be mad at Robbie, he was mad! But seeing Robbie’s goofy face, followed by that unbelievable kiss – it was making it really hard to stay mad. And THAT made him more annoyed than anything! 

“You need to go to New York Gaz, I’m not here to stop you, my darling”, Robbie smiled sadly. Gary frowned at him, feeling the hurt deepen inside him, cutting like another knife to the heart. He realised Robbie was just saying goodbye then. He tried to mask it, but the rejection Gary felt showed immediately on his face. Robbie recognised it, for he saw that same look at the hospital. “No Gaz”, he sighed with a shake of his head, wanting to avoid further miscommunications, “I’m here to say I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you!”  
“THEN DON’T!” Gary yelled at him. He was confused by Robbie, so confused and sod it, he was angry, _’And why shouldn’t I be angry?’_ , Gary inwardly reasoned with himself; he was angry at how, after everything they had been through, and all they’d promised each other, Robbie had still fucked them over, and threw it all away like he had at the hospital. “You broke my heart, Rob!” his voice cracked, “You promised you’d never do that again!”  
“I know –”  
“But you did!”  
“That was not my intention, Gaz – you have to believe me!” Robbie desperately implored.  
“Then why say that?!” Gary furrowed his brows, feeling even more annoyed, “Now you say you can’t lose me, yet at the hospital that’s exactly what you wanted”.  
“That’s not true –”  
“Then why say you want to break up with me, if that wasn’t your intention to break my heart and lose me, huh?”  
“I didn’t!” Robbie insisted.  
“But you –“  
“I said we should take a break.”  
“It’s the same thing!”  
“No, Gaz – it wasn’t meant to….I didn’t mean that!” Robbie beseeched. He then sighed, and paused one moment. He could still see Gary’s eyes swimming with confusion. He just needed to be straight with him; “Not that it matters what words I used, because it was just such a stupid thing for me to say. I don’t want to take a break.”  
Gary’s brow unfurrowed at Robbie’s words, yet he remained silent as he considered Robbie’s words. Robbie watched as Gary’s piercing eyes locked with his, and seemingly examined him like an x-ray. He could tell Gary was willing to listen, but impatiently so.  
“I don’t want to be without you.” Robbie continued without interruption, “That’s the honest truth, Gaz! But I was stupid. I guess I was just so afraid.”  
“Of what?” Gary broke his silence.  
“Of doing wrong by you, and you needed to go to New York.” Robbie told him earnestly, “I do realise that now, Elliot”, he pointedly added with a smile, as he looked past Gary to address the taller, larger gentleman still standing someway behind Gary.  
Elliot gave him a curt nod in acknowledgement, before he returned a warm smile.  
Gary, however, needed more convincing. Robbie could tell he still didn’t understand, and so knew it was time to be completely honest…  
“The problem was you decided against it, and all because of me. To make me happy, and I couldn’t let you do that”, Robbie reasoned.  
“It was my choice Rob!”  
“Yes, and you’d _choose_ to stay here, not for you, but for me”, Robbie continued, “…and honestly, for a moment I was going to let you! I was happy to let you”.  
Gary’s eyes widened at that.  
“I just freaked out, you see Gaz - I knew there'd be no troubles if you stayed but everyone was telling me that New York was your best option, but I didn’t want to be apart from you. All I wanted was for you to stay with me.” Robbie explained, “For us to be together – it was all I’d been waiting for, for so long, just you and me. But then I came to see you and you were saying you weren’t gonna go, and I knew it was for me, and for a moment I was so happy, but deep down I knew I couldn’t let you throw away your best chances of singing again, all because of my incapacity to be without you, coupled with my fear of losing you. The guilt, I couldn’t take it!”, Robbie quietly concluded, barely making eye contact, “So I told you to go”.  
“So let me get this right, You've a so-called ‘incapacity to be without me’, and yet you didn’t just tell me to go, you decided - all on your own, might I add, to break it off with me instead! Yeah, because that makes sense!” Gary mocked, unwilling to accept Robbie’s explanation.  
“I know, and when you say it like that, I know it’s ridiculous. I was an idiot, Gaz!” Robbie reasoned, “But I was distraught and hurt - I’m sorry Gaz, I thought I was doing the right thing”.  
Gary’s stern expression remained, although his eyes had softened. “So you still want to be with me?” he asked timidly.  
Robbie nodded and smiled at how cute Gary was when he was shy and unsure.  
“Even though I’m still going to New York?”  
Robbie’s smile faltered a little, but he nodded, “I still don’t want to go a single day without out you, Gaz!” Robbie brought his hands up to stroke Gary’s muscular arms, “But I can just about bear it, as long as I know you’ll be in my life, no matter, where you are”.  
At first Gary gave no answer, and Robbie felt his insides turn to jelly, “Gaz, please”.  
Gary raised a brow at him, but it only took a moment before his eyes smiled.  
Robbie breathed out the most agonising, yet sweetest sigh of his life. He removed a hand from its hold on Gary’s arm, and brought it up to caress Gary’s face. He watched as Gary paused and looked him deep in the eyes once more, before he gently pressed his face into Robbie’s awaiting warm palm. For a time, there they stayed; they just silently looked into each other’s eyes, hardly daring to speak.  
“Er, Sir” came an abrupt voice, as the flight attendant cleared her throat. She was still waiting by the boarding gate, “Sorry to interrupt”, she gently added, “but nearly all other passengers have already boarded, the plane is scheduled to take-off in twelve minutes”.  
Gary turned and nodded to the woman with understanding, yet remained fixed on the spot, hesitant to go anywhere in that very moment, except into Robbie’s waiting arms.  
“Gaz”, Elliot chimed in, “We gotta go” he said apologetically.  
“Can I just have five minutes, please?” Gary asked the flight attendant directly. She looked apprehensively as her watch, but agreed.  
“Gaz - ” Elliot began, unwilling to acquiesce to Gary’s wish as keenly as the flight attendant was.  
“It’s ok, Elliot”, Gary told him, “you go ahead, I’ll meet you on there, I won’t be long”.  
Elliot wasn’t convinced. He may’ve even suspected Gary might change his mind, again.  
Gary smiled, reading the look on Elliot’s face, “Honestly mate, I’ll be there. I just need to finish talking to Rob, first – I promise”.  
Reluctantly, Elliot agreed and shortly after went through the boarding gate with the laptop bag, leaving Gary and Robbie standing there, finally on their own. 

“You’re really ok with me going?” Gary asked Robbie, turning back to him once more with an unsure look on his face, "What did you even mean by 'you knew there'd be no troubles if I stayed'?" Gary questioned him, “Because we have got to be in this together one hundred percent, and we have to be honest with each other”.  
“Completely honest?” Robbie asked, rather sheepishly.  
“Yes” Gary said, slightly nervously.  
“Do you trust me?” he squarely asked the shorter man.  
Gary furrowed his brow, “Why do you always ask me that?”  
“Because THAT'S the 'troubles' Gaz! The very thought of losing you, because of my own stupid past mistake keeps me up most nights, and so maybe, just maybe – my worry about your lack of trust in me, was a major reason in my actions at the hospital”, Robbie said candidly.  
“What are you saying, exactly?”  
Robbie knew he needed to explain everything, completely everything -  
“See, I was speaking to your mum, and she’s a really wise woman, by the way. An amazing one,” Robbie told him, “she spoke a lot of sense, called me out on more than a few things, and helped me see what an idiot I’d been”, he continued unabashed. “But most of all, we talked through my fears, and I realised why I thought I had to let you go. It was because I was worried the distance would get to you, not me. You’d question my fidelity – just with your eyes, if not your voice. And that’s what I couldn’t bear. I didn’t want to see that look on your face, that look that tells me you still won’t trust me, and makes me worried if we'll ever be able to get past it and have a future”, Robbie finished slightly breathlessly and incredibly glumly, but equally inwardly relieved to finally be totally honest with himself, as well as with Gary. 

Gary for his part, could see just how vulnerable Robbie was in that moment, and his heart ached for him.  
“Oh, Rob”.  
“I get it, Gaz. It’s my fault your faith in me is rocked. I completely take responsibility for it. But I also know that if we are truly going to be able to go the long distance, I need to know you can learn to trust me again – truly trust me…with your whole heart”, Robbie told him with such tortured honesty he nearly couldn’t meet Gary’s eyes; he was that afraid of what he’d see in them.  
“Robbie…” Gary began, but then he stopped. It was as if what he was about to say, had got caught in his throat, and he simply let the moment pass instead.  
That far from reassured Robbie, who could feel his heart thumping heavily against his chest like it was trying to break free. Fresh tears were pushing against his eyes, threatening to erupt into a cascade he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop. Gary was about to break his heart, he could feel it, he could see it – Gary just couldn’t do it, he couldn’t ever trust him. He knew it! 

Robbie braced himself for the worst, just as he heard Gary finally clear his throat once more…  
“Ok…ok, “Gary quietly spoke, “here’s the truth –”, he finally conceded and took a deep breath, “I was afraid, Rob.” He finally said, “After what happened, I was afraid to completely ‘let go’, you could say".  
"Let go of what?" Robbie asked.  
"Let go of my heart - with you" Gary replied, "I said I needed time, and I did, but mostly because I was scared of you hurting me again. But I was also scared of getting it wrong again too. We’d BOTH made mistakes Rob, and I was scared that we weren’t going to learn from them”.  
“I will never make THAT mistake again, Gaz”.  
“I know that…but –“  
“No matter how many months you’re be gone, I WILL wait for you”.  
“It will likely be a long time though, Rob”, Gary warned him, his face almost testing him.  
But Robbie was adamant, and with his eyes full of conviction he told him, “Time is irrelevant. You’re my soul mate, Gaz - forever and always.”  
“I know – and you’re mine too. I honestly can’t live without you, Robbie!” Gary near wept.  
“You don’t ever have to. But you do have to let go of your heart baby, please”. Robbie begged with a soft tear now freely rolling down his cheek, “I promise you, I’ve got it, and will keep it safe – you can trust me, please”.  
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Robbie!” Gary beseeched, “…I already do” he quietly added. 

Robbie’s eyes grew wide in shock - “What?” he asked timidly.  
A beautiful smile then washed over Gary’s face, “I trust you, Rob. I truly do. But I admit, I was scared to let go, and I resisted, as I wanted to protect myself”, Gary truthfully told him, “Everything ending with you and then all that happened with Lucas, it was…difficult…it was hard to get over. But I wanted to be with you, I knew that. That I could trust, so I thought eventually it’d all be ok again, but until then I had to protect myself”, he continued, “See, the thing is, I thought I was doing the best thing by not worrying you with all the stuff going on in my head, I just thought it’d be easier to carry on as we were, having fun, getting to be with each other again. I should’ve realised you would see through it all, like you were always able to do.”  
“Not always” Robbie said knowingly.  
“You’re right, and that’s the thing - the honest shame is, I think we’ve been misunderstanding each other for quite some time, Rob” Gary told him thoughtfully. “We know we love each other, and need each other – but we’re both so damn scared of messing it up again, that we’ve hesitated from being truly honest with each other.”  
Robbie nodded in solemn agreement. It was true, and in him not wanting to fuck things royally up again and land them in more hurt, had caused him to act insane, and instead land them in even more misunderstanding. What he had done at the hospital was with good intentions, but insanely misguided. He’d thought Gary was the one that needed to understand, but actually they both did. They needed to understand each other, but both had been too scared to be honest enough to actually be understood in the first place!  
They looked at each other poignantly for a moment, both full of apology and regret for the wasted time. Yet, after a moment they couldn’t help but begin to smile – knowing that for the first time in a long time, they did now finally understand…  
“You really do trust me?” Robbie asked with a wishful grin.  
Gary’s eyes sparkled as a deep grin creeped up his face, “With all my heart. Maybe it was shortly after I awoke in hospital, I dunno, but I guess I just unknowingly let go of all my fears”, Gary told him, and then his grin faded a little as he continued, “That’s why what you said at the hospital hurt so much.”  
“I was hurting too, Gaz – I thought I was going to lose you again! Robbie implored, “It made me… react, but please just can we pretend it didn't happen? I take it all back - I'm sorry, so sorry -”.  
Gary smiled at the sheepish look on Robbie’s face, “I know Rob, I know”, and he reached forward and pressed his lips to Robbie’s once more, and gently caressed them in the sweetest of kisses. Robbie immediately responded to the kiss, and began to pull Gary closer into his body again, his hand moved up Gary’s chest, drawing a soft line with one finger up his throat before it found a place under Gary’s chin. There Robbie held his boyfriend, their lips locked in a soft gentle kiss, and not a care in the world as to what was going on around them. 

That was until a soft cough was heard behind them again.  
They parted, and turned to see the flight attendant looking pointedly at them, albeit apologetically. She gestured to the clock on the wall. The gate was closing.  
Gary sighed, “I gotta go Rob – the plane’s fully boarded”.  
“Well, nearly”, Robbie replied glumly.  
“Yeah. But I can’t leave you like this, not after everything. I don’t want to”. Gary worried, with knotted brows. He didn’t want to ever be parted from Robbie, and especially not right in that moment. Yet he knew he had to go now, or he’d lose his place at the clinic.  
Robbie smiled sadly, “It’s ok, Gaz. I know you gotta go”.  
Gary looked into Robbie’s eyes and trusted the understanding he saw there in those glistening emerald pools. He nodded sadly, and allowed the moment to linger before lightly adding, “And you better get out of here before you get in trouble! – in fact, I still don’t even know how you conned your way into the departure lounge, past security, anyhow! Did you play the celeb card?”  
Robbie feigned admonishment, “As if I would!” he said holding a smile back. Gary looked at him confused.  
“Nah, it was easy -” Robbie gingerly grinned, “See, I bought a ticket, so they let me pass”.  
“Oh my god – to where?” Gary laughed, imagining some strange obscure, random destination - anything to get him through to Departures.  
“to New York”, Robbie simply stated. 

That had Gary stunned, and Robbie’s face was set like stone. He couldn’t tell if Robbie was joking.  
“What?!” he managed to stutter, trying to swallow down the hope quickly forming inside him.  
However, Robbie’s face remained coolly still, and he began to explain, “Yeah, see it’s great that you trust me to stay here an ‘all Gaz, but do you honestly think I can go without seeing you every day?! After all, I once lost you through infidelity, I further lost you to Lucas, then I nearly lost you forever because of his cruelty…and finally again through my own stupid words at the hospital – I am done losing you Gary Barlow!” he reasoned, “In fact I’m determined to never lose you again. I want to be the one that gets to keep you forever, and that starts with today. I know you gotta go to New York, so that’s where I’m going too.”  
Gary was still stunned, “Are you serious?” he asked, his heart beating with excitement, but still not daring to allow himself to quite believe…  
“Absolutely! We’re going to New York Baby!” Robbie cheered.  
“But how?!” Gary grinned, allowing the happiness to fill him.  
“With great difficultly!” Robbie told him flatly, “I was ready to blow my top at the Airline Desk, the queues were ridiculous and I had to wait for my PA to arrive with my passport – I owe her a pay rise by the way, and I knew I was cutting it fine but….”  
“Rob – I can’t believe this, New York, with me!” Gary beamed with excitement, “For how long?”  
“I told you, I’m with you the whole way, babe – it’s a one way ticket, I’m staying as long as you are”, Robbie told him proudly.  
That had Gary completely floored! “But your work, the dogs, the band!”  
“Everything is in good hands, Howard’s just begrudgingly agreed to take the dogs for now at least, and frankly, everything else can just wait”.  
“But are you sure?” Gary worried, he didn’t want to hold Robbie back.  
“Are you kidding me?! I can’t believe it took me so long to figure it out! Honestly, it’s the perfect solution!” Robbie beamed convincingly.  
“But won’t your manager be mad –”  
“Gaz – I’m Robbie FUCKING Williams, I don’t give a rat’s arse what anyone else thinks – where I belong right now, is by your side; as your lover, partner and supporter”.  
It would’ve been impossible for Gary not to smile at that.  
“I love you Robbie Williams!” he suddenly declared, and threw his arms around him.  
“I love you too, baby.” Robbie beamed back. “There is just one problem though…well, actually two”.  
“Oh...what’s that?” Gary timidly inquired, feeling his smile falter as he released Robbie from his hug.  
“Well, firstly I’ve got no clothes or in actual fact, anything with me, so we’ll have to do some shopping at JFK.” Robbie admitted.  
With a soft chuckle of relief, Gary found his smile again, and nodded obligingly.  
“Secondly”, Robbie continued, “I got literally the last seat on the plane and it’s nowhere near you – I already checked. So we’ve got a slightly awkwardly separated flight before us”.  
“Oh really? Well, I guess we’ll have to come up with a solution to that!” Gary winked.  
“Oh really?” Robbie cocked his eyebrow, playfully.  
“Yeah, I’m sure they’ll be some movies to keep us occupied!” Gary teased.  
Robbie however, didn’t look impressed with that suggestion.  
“Or…” Gary continued, “There’s the option of meeting half way…say, in a toilet cubicle, perhaps?” Gary smirked.  
Slightly flustered by the mere suggestion, Robbie smiled with a mischievous look in his eyes, “see Barlow – I always knew you were a kinky bugger!”  
Gary raised his brow at that - “So the fact I previously covered myself in whipped cream, and was all laid out on the kitchen table waiting for you that time – that didn’t give you clue enough?” he playfully questioned.  
“Wow, Mr Barlow - now you’re just giving me ideas ready for when we get to New York! – Do you think they’ll have whipped cream in the airport shop at JFK? We’ll definitely have to get that too…  
“Hmmm…maybe some Chocolate sauce too”, Gary winked.  
“Now you’re talking!” Robbie agreed with a massive grin on his face.  
“In fact maybe we can ditch getting you any clothes at all, and you can be the one wearing the cream this time, Lad!” Gary cheekily added.  
“Now, hang on, Gaz – that might turn some heads at the clinic!”  
“I guess. Well, whatever they have there, we’ll find a way to make it work. I’m sure of it.” Gary said. There was a meaningful look in his eyes, which told Robbie Gary wasn’t just talking about the clothes or whipped cream anymore.  
Robbie immediately understood.  
“Always”, He simply replied.  
“Now, shall we go before they close the gate on us?” He winked, before he pulled an arm around Gary and guided him towards the gate. 

Together they approached the flight attendant, smiles shinning on both their faces as they surprisingly both handed over their prospective boarding passes. Then finally, they passed through the gate; their destination: New York City, for how long? - it mattered not. 

It may’ve taken them some time, and quite a few hurdles, but finally both Gary and Robbie were secure in knowing no matter where their lives took them, they’d find a way to be together; to be there for one another, to depend on, to cherish, and to love - always and forever. 

_....Epilogue to follow._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say? ...well, not much, as I'll save that for after the epilogue - which is the finally part to this story set a little in the future. It's been written since the beginning of this story, so I won't need to take so long to get it posted. And I will say more after that.  
> But I hope you've enjoyed reading, and are happy with that ending. I know I've put G & R through A LOT of angst and drama, but I can't help myself, and I always knew they'd be ok in the end ;)  
> Thank you so much for reading and commenting - it means so much to me. And I wonder if you can guess what will be in the epilogue! ;) xx


	43. An Epilogue – This Is Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The absolute end.  
> The last chapter saw Robbie finally see sense and accompany Gary to New York, and finally they were back together again.  
> The End.  
> Except, I couldn't just leave it there without glimpsing into the future, so this epilogue (which was the first chapter I wrote!) is set a year or so after then. Not that the timing is that relevant, but after 22-ish months (I think) of writing this monster of a drama-drenched tale, the important thing is this story is finally completed, and I hope you'll agree, has found it's natural end.  
> I hope you enjoy this last part to the story, and thank you so much for taking the time to read it. xx

## An Epilogue – This Is Love

Marjorie Barlow held up the photo of two smiling smartly dressed men under a flowery gazebo. Bringing the photo closer to her aging eyes, she carefully perused the photo of the two familiar gentlemen; dressed in fine suits with small white flowers sticking out of their suit lapels, and holding hands. Two glistening metal bands rested on those hands, and reflected the warm golden glow of sunshine. Tinged with a dash of bright orange, the vibrant glow in the photo indicated it was taken shortly before sunset, under an orangery-pink sky. The two main subjects of the photo, two grooms - were slightly squinting in the bright light, but their grins were bright and wide. They were incredibly happy, and Marjorie couldn’t help but lovingly smile right back at the two men in the photo.  
“This is a nice one”, she declared, aloud, “you’re not blinking in this one Gary, I can see your eyes”.

A man came up behind where she was sat at the table, and crouched over her shoulder to see the photo, before tutting rather loudly, “Mum, I told you I’d print you a photobook, you don’t need to get any more printed”, Gary tiredly told his mum as he saw a large pack of photos newly printed beside her. Marjorie however, simply returned the tutting, and batted away her son’s disapproval, “AND I told you, I wanted some for my OWN photo albums I keep, and have kept for the last 40 odd years, Gary!” and with that rebuke she deftly retrieved a photo album from on her lap, that had been obscured under the table. “Besides, I don’t want to trouble you – you’ve only been back from your honeymoon a short while, you don’t need to be troubling about me!” Marjorie strongly insisted, and went to stick the photo in question, on a new page in the photo album.  
“Mum – you are never any trouble!” Gary affectionately implored, as he knelt to leave a little kiss on the older woman’s head. It was then he looked passed her, to the photo album laid in front of her, and watched as she secured within it's pages, a photo from their wedding in Hawaii. He then looked to the opposite page and saw a newspaper cutting his mum has previously stuck in. The newspaper cutting was from five months ago, and showed Robbie on one knee in front of a huge crowd on stage; the headline read: _“Could it be Marriage? – Robbie proposes to life partner Gary Barlow during Take That gig”._  
However, suddenly looking up at the tabloid’s name, Gary immediately frowned.  
“Oh mum, I can definitely get you a better photo of Robbie’s proposal than on that scrap of a newspaper!” Gary remarked as he wrinkled his nose up in disgust at the page taken from The Daily Mail, of all papers.  
“Don’t worry Babe – I’m already on it!” Robbie called over from the small sofa in Marjorie’s humble lounge.  
“What you talking about?” Gary asked, rather puzzled as he left his mum at the table in the conservatory and ventured over to where his husband was relaxing on the sofa, looking very casual in just grey joggers and a T-shirt.  
“Oh, when I saw that news cutting, I thought I’d just take a look at the tour videos fans posted on You Tube, from that day”, Robbie recounted as Gary joined him and perched on the arm of the sofa. “I said to Marj, we can just take a still from one of them. There’s plenty of them in HD. See, Gaz – this one right here is a gem!” Robbie said enthusiastically, beckoning his husband to lean in closer. Gary obligingly wrapped an affectionate arm around Robbie’s shoulders, and leaned against his husband’s strong arm as he crutched over the small screen to get a better view of the video displayed on Robbie’s iPad.  
Robbie pressed the ‘play’ button, and the video began.

\----  
_…the band were on tour, and performing at a Manchester concert. Take That had all just performed an energetic athematic crowd pleaser, but then the rest of the lads had dashed off stage to get changed for the next set, but not Gary. At this part of the show he would take centre stage, and play a short medley from Take That’s back catalogue, just one man and his piano. After months and months of rehabilitation and vocal therapy, his singing voice was as velvety smooth and sublimely melodic as it had always been. But it had taken a lot of work, and even more patience. It was something Gary was never going to take for granted ever again, and consequently, this solo part of the tour had quickly become very poignant to him._  
_Gary first took the crowd through Nobody Else and Said It All, before he started the familiar opening chords of A Million Love Songs._  
_That was Robbie’s cue._

_For that night in Manchester, was no ordinary night. Robbie had thought about this night for so long, and in fact, he (in cahoots with the other three lads) had planned it since the first night on tour. But nothing could prepare him for the nerves he suddenly felt to finally bring the plan to fruition. Mark was busy backstage wrestling out of his shimmery trousers in the quick change, but paused to give Robbie a final thumbs up as the youngest member proceeded back towards the stage instead. Robbie managed to return a smile, albeit nervously, before he left Mark and the others behind and walked back out under the glaring lights of their main stage. He gulped as the crowd swiftly came back into view, and yet his eyes weren’t on them, for he only had eyes for the man on stage, still sat at his piano. A smile crept on to Robbie’s face at the sight that warmed his heart, and he realised he didn’t have to be afraid - for he was just about to have all his dreams come true! …if he did this right, that is._

_Gary was quickly approaching the end of the opening chords, and so Robbie knew he was against the clock. He made a comedic shushing gesture to the crowd urging them to be quiet and not give him away, all the while he crept up behind Gary in proper pantomime fashion - suddenly feeling his mischievous side get the better of him._  
_Perhaps already sensing something special was about to happen, the crowd just couldn’t be quiet and Gary immediately noticed something had rattled his audience. However, ever the professional, he continued without missing a note. That was right until the moment he felt a warm familiar hand on his shoulder._  
_Dropping a key, Gary immediately turned to find Robbie beaming at him, microphone in hand. It looked like he was going to start singing. Gary frowned with confusion. He knew Robbie was the more spontaneous one of them all, but even Robbie had never gone maverick on a set list. “What are you doing Rob?” He urgently whispered through a fixed smile._  
“Just keep playing and singing Gaz, I won’t interrupt, don’t worry”.  
_Still more than a little confused, Gary did however keep playing, and diligently began to sing…_  
_"Put your head against my life_  
_What do you hear_  
_A million words just trying to make_  
_The love song of the year_  
_Close your eyes but don't forget_  
_What you have heard_  
_A man who's trying to say three words_  
_The words that make me scared…"_  


__

__

___“OK, actually I kinda lied when I said I wouldn’t interrupt you Gaz!” Robbie suddenly spoke into the microphone, and it was projected across the entire crowd. Gary was now completely lost of words. Robbie looked very apologetic, but luckily for them both, he however wasn’t lost for words – for he’d been planning this for months!_  
_”See I’ve got not three words, but four that make me scared but I’m here to say them now Gaz…and I hope the audience here will help me as I waffle my way through this, but see, I’ve come here on stage in front of all these lovely people, to ask you a very important question._  
_The audience immediately squealed in delight, highly suspecting what was indeed about to happen._  
_Gary however, still completely overcome with surprise, just simply looked up at him, his lips slightly parted, and his hands still lightly resting on the keys. There was no sign on his face, that he knew what was about to happen._  
_Robbie gulped as more butterflies flooded his digestive system, but nothing would stop him in this endeavour._  
_“The thing is, I’ve asked you this question before, and quite rightly you turned me down”, Robbie began, and more than a few boos rang out around them, but it was all in playful banter. Gary played up to it, and finally cottoning on, he too joined in the booing, giving the audience a cheeky thumbs down, before he turned back to Robbie who now had an incredibly serious look on his face. It was a nervous-serious look, one Gary didn’t see that often. Gary felt his heart flutter with anticipation, but knew he mustn’t interrupt. So Robbie was allowed to continue…_  
_“But see Gaz”, Robbie said, “I really do need to ask you again now”. The crowd suddenly whooped, but neither Gary nor Robbie paid any attention to the noise, as Robbie continued, “Some may be sceptical of me asking you this in front of everyone here where you may find it difficult to turn me down, but that’s not why I’ve chosen now to ask you this,” Robbie told him earnestly, “I want to ask you this question, on this stage in front of all our fans, because ‘this’ place, right ‘here’ is our place – and I know how much this place means to you, so I can’t think of any better place in the world to ask for your hand in marriage”._  
_The crowd immediately erupted in audible gasps and elated whistles, but they silenced again immediately as Robbie bent down on one knee before Gary who was still sat at his beloved piano. Robbie then removed a small black box from his breast pocket, and opened it to reveal a thin, plain, white gold band._  
_“Gary, you’re my lover, my partner, my best friend, and my soul mate – and to put it quite simply, I will want for nothing in this life, if only you will agree to share it with me. My life is yours, my heart was always yours anyway, and all I ask is for your hand, my love. Your hand in mine, forevermore. Will you marry me Mr Barlow?”_  
\------ 

“Oh for fuck sake, some tall twat just stood right up in the way of the camera!” Robbie abruptly yelled at the screen, “Is he part of our stage crew? …Fuck sake! That was such a good shot then too!” he moaned as he paused the video and slide it back to a previous point.  
“Hang on, we didn’t hear my answer!” Gary playfully rebuked.  
“We know what your bloody answer was Gaz, you’ve got the bloody ring on your finger! Two of them to be exact!” he said slightly irritated.  
“Yeah, but I’d still like to have heard it again”, Gary coyly ventured.  
“Are you kidding me?!” Robbie turned to face his husband, “All you said was, ‘of course it’s a yes, you silly sod!’…pah!” Robbie remarked, still evidently slightly vexed by the unromantic response his very romantic act had received that night.  
“Ha, yeah but it was great” Gary chuckled. “Particularly the part where you put the ring on my finger and started blubbering like a cry baby!” He softly chided.  
“It was an emotional moment!” Robbie defended, “And it was only a teeny weeny tear that escaped, or more likely a bead of sweat resulting from the enormous pause you took before you answered me!”  
“It was like half a second, Rob!”  
“Still! It was nerve wracking for me! In front of that audience, you could’ve replied sooner s’all I’m saying!”  
Gary playfully shook his head and chuckled.  
“Anyway, thanks to the Giant blocking the view, I now need to find a new video of it all”. Robbie added grumpily and went back to select another video from the search list.  
“You know what you should’ve done Rob –”  
“Proposed on DVD night?” Robbie guessed, “Yeah, thought of that, even asked the other lads if I could but Mark said it would ruin the DVD and the ambience of the entire show! You know how he gets.”  
Gary responded with a swift nod.  
“In fact I had this whole sequence planned where I was going to propose before you guys sung Rule The World”, Robbie divulged, “I was gonna come on stage and say: ‘you may've noticed the stars have come out tonight Mr Barlow, and in fact they are lighting up the sky tonight’, at which point all the lights were going to go out but for a thousand little lights positioned in the rafters above, which would have spelt out the phrase, “please, marry me this time?” – and then from the scaffolding in the ceiling, on a long thin wire, the ring box was going to fly down in to my hands to present to you – just as if it were a gift from the stars themselves.” Robbie proudly declared. 

Gary looked at Robbie blankly. He had no words. But knew he needed to thank Mark when he next saw him.  
“Sod Mark, I should’ve done it anyway”, Robbie contemplatively grumbled to himself as he continued his search through the list of fan tour videos.  
“Aw, never mind baby –” a more than slightly relieved Gary consoled him, “and don’t worry about the video, Mum can keep her Daily Mail cutting” he reasoned, “along with the rest of random stuff she jams into that album of hers!”, he dryly commented, but loud enough for his mum to hear.  
“I heard that!” She firmly rebuked.  
“You were supposed to!” Gary laughed. He automatically kissed Robbie on the temple of his head, before he stood up from the sofa, to head back into the conservatory. 

Robbie quickly abandoned his search and the iPad, and very purposely followed Gary through to where Marjorie was still sat, “Actually Gaz, your mum might need the extra pages for something else.” Robbie said being pointedly cryptic.  
“What do you mean?” Gary asked rather bemusedly, as he leaned over the family table in the conservatory, and helped himself to one of his mum’s raisin and oatmeal cookies.  
“I mean, she might want to save some pages, for…baby photos” Robbie ventured, looking nervous but excited.  
“Huh?”  
“I’ve been making some enquiries into adoption, it’s early days but it’s a first step”, Robbie continued.  
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Gary asked wide eyed.  
“Gaz, I love you more than anything, and starting a family with you would make me the happiest man ever….as long as that is something you want too?” Robbie asked, sounding a little coy and unsure.  
“Are you kiddin’ me? You want me to have TWO kids to look after?!” Gary’s face looked astonished, but then it quickly melted into a massive warm smile, “I couldn’t think of anything better!” he remarked brightly. 

Thoroughly relieved, Robbie rushed forward to pull Gary into a massive bear hug.  
“Did you hear that mum?! Me and Rob are gonna adopt!” Gary announced excitedly.  
“I heard!” She beamed, “– I’m so proud of you, so proud of you both!”  
Robbie gave her a warm smile as he broke away from Gary to give Marjorie a quick peck on the cheek.  
“Just remember though”, Marjorie continued slightly more seriously, “I can’t babysit on Tuesdays, as that’s when I have line dancing class, and on Fridays, I have Bingo”.  
“I know mum!” Gary laughed. 

"Just think Gaz, we could have a Gary-Junior by Christmas if we’re lucky!” Robbie exclaimed, chuffed to bits.  
“Don’t get too excited, not just yet Rob”, Gary warned him, “It could take longer than that…and besides it might be a Roberta!” he winked.  
“Roberta?! That’s a horrible name!” Robbie screwed up his face in disgust.  
“Well, we could call her Bobbie for short, that’s cute!” Gary thoughtfully suggested.  
“Hmm, yeah I guess so…and it’d work for a boy too!” Robbie realised.  
“Hang on a minute, what happened to Gary-Junior?” Gary asked looking scandalised.  
“What and shorten it to ‘G-J’?! We can’t call a kid that Gaz, he’ll grow up with a complex!” Robbie reasoned with his irked husband, “but R-J – now that sounds cool!” he added with a knowing wink.  
“Robbie-Junior Barlow-Williams?” Gary considered with a raised brow, “If anything will give a kid a complex, it’s having that many hyphens in his name, Rob!” he laughed.  
“Fine. But Gaz, we’re really doing this, yes?” Robbie asked, with a hopeful face. 

Gary looked into his husband’s puppy dog eyes. The eyes that still gave him butterflies, even after all this time. He and Robbie had been through some tough times, and in all honesty it still wasn’t that long ago, and yet, looking at the two rings nestled together on his left hand; all those troubles now seemed like a distant dream away…or nightmare to be exact. Back then he wouldn’t have believed he could be this happy, and yet here he was, and with the added possibility of him and Robbie now starting their own little family. It made his heart swell with pure joy. "Yes, Rob – we are so doing this!” Gary said with utter delight in his face, voice and heart.  
“It’s gonna be amazing Gaz!” Robbie beamed as he approached Gary from behind, and lovingly wrapped his big tattooed arms tightly around his husband’s torso and left a sloppy wet kiss in the crook of Gary’s neck. Gary responded to the affection and let his weight fall against Robbie's chest, as he nestled deeper into Robbie’s hold.  
Marjorie smiled as she quietly observed them from the corner of her eye, before returning back to her photos.  
Robbie thoughtfully smiled as he rested his jaw on Gary’s shoulder, “Just picture it Gaz; you, me, the dogs …and little ‘Garyella’ – perfect!” 

Together, they laughed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know what to say, except - a massive thank you for reading my story. I loved every minute of writing it, even when some parts left me deeply frustrated whilst editing. I'm sorry that in the final few months, my updates got delayed and sporadic - life unfortunately got in the way, and I could never post a chapter until I was mostly happy with it, at least. I'm my own worst critic, after all.  
> I know I plagued this story with angst and drama, but that along with Creamcakes has always been my 'bread and butter'! I just hope you've continued to enjoy it, and thank you so much to those that have left comments through the chapters - it's always such a lovely thing to receive, and motivate me to continue. Now, I just hope I've not disappointed you with this finale. 
> 
> I hope to continue writing, as I have an idea for a fetus creamcakes story I've been working on - but I'm not now what will come of it, as I'm really busy and currently have some trouble with its plot, so we'll see where that goes but it may be some time, as I'd like to get some chapters done before I start posting.
> 
> Thanks again for reading and supporting me with this story - it has meant more than you'll ever know.  
> Much love xx


End file.
